IF EVER
A GAME
WAS
INVENTED
BY THE
DEVIL
THEN 
BRIDGE
IS SURELY
IT........

( As seen
opposite  
in H.T.
Webster's
wonderful 
1930 cartoon 
depiction of
its true 
origins )

NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON AVOIDS TRIAL AND ESCAPES HEFTY DAMAGES AWARD

A group action by ex-members of the infamous Slaughter House BC stopped dead in its tracks , allowing the mightily relieved defendant , Bigot-Johnson ,  to walk away from the court exempt from paying any legal costs and damages. Apparently , when none of the plaintiffs turned up to direct and instruct their lawyers, the judge had no option but to find in Bigot's favour. Indeed , as the big man walked away a huge smile, ridden with smugness and offensive satisfaction , filled his face. 
Why these determined and vengeful plaintiffs failed to appear in court has now become a major concern to all their friends and family. Overnight they disappeared off the face of the earth. Rumours as to their current whereabouts are rife . One theory is that they have all gone into hiding , fearful that Bigot might yet again triumph in court at their expense. Others believe that if Bigot lost in court then he would make sure there would be hell to pay, and the thought of being hounded for life by this man was too much to bear. However, a small group of conspiracy theorists believe that their sudden and unexplained absence has more to do with the fact that somewhere in the grounds of the SHBC several new mounds of soil have been spotted , all having the appearance of hastily dug makeshift graves. Either that or the invasion of a family of nomadic moles.
       

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BC MEMBERSHIP FINALLY BEGINS TO GROW

For the first time in months new members brought in exceeded old members booted out. The list of last month's applicants accepted by the committee as "suitable " are shown below :

Mr & Mrs Boring                    Sir Ian Lee
Ellie Gantt                             Amy Abel
Sue Goode                            Ann Nice
Fuller Love                             Len Suffering
Mr & Mrs St.Leigh                  Sue Pine
Biddy Bull                              Ima Darling
Jen E. Hall                             Bess Manners
Noah Greeson                        Reverend N. Godley
Mr & Mrs Caring                     N. Dearing

NEWSFLASH : BENIGN BC ( USA ) TAKE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ONTO A NEW SEMANTIC LEVEL

A few days ago the committee decided upon initiating a major cull to remove all unruly and undesirable members from the club. Top of the list were those renown for their awkwardness and vocal opposition with regards to the implementation of the best behaviour zero tolerance policy. 
The committee of course felt the need to relabel the cull as " a targeted membership restructuring , realignment , and reduction strategy for the spiritual well being and integrity of the club ". 
Semantics aside , members who believed they too might be under threat were naturally horrified at the implications of such a program being undertaken. However, the moment they voiced their opposition to this latest initiative , they unfortunately found themselves to be in the first wave to be thrown out on their ears.       

THE BENIGN BC ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY RULES 727-32

727. Under no circumstances whatsoever must a player call an opponent " a filthy low down cheating dog " , even though he/she just happens to be a filthy low down cheating dog.

728 . In the event a player breaks the above rule , requiring a TD to be called over to admonish
his/her most unwelcome slur on a fellow club member , that person must refrain from slagging off the official for failing to deal with the real villain of the piece , namely the cheating opponent.

729. If both the above two rules have been broken , the player concerned must not be seen or heard ranting and raving about the committee after receiving a summons to attend a disciplinary hearing, even though no action at all has been taken against the cheating dog who he felt obliged to chastise and expose. 

730. Should the unfortunate player find himself in breach of the above 3 rules , he must not challenge or contest the severe punishment metered out by the committee , having shown him/herself to be nothing more than a thoroughly foul-mouthed, objectionable psychological bully. 

731. If this obnoxious irritant insists on his/her right to an internal appeal , the blackguard must not berate , criticise or condemn the appeal panel " as useless tossers " especially when they are hand picked to endorse the committee's original decision, keen to deny that the player was a victim of extreme provocation perpetrated by the cheating antics of a rather unsavoury opponent.

732. In effect the club is more than willing to condone the widespread cheating that goes on in the interests of keeping its members happy , but it will not tolerate loud mouthed gits who get so pissed off with it all they fail to keep their emotions in check , or their thoughts strictly private.    

           

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........

Dear Rebecca ,
What on earth is the blog Bizarrebridgeworld all about ? In my opinion it's the insane ravings of a man, who has massive hangups and an extremely warped multiple-personality disorder . Not only that he is crude , bigoted , and an all round nasty piece of work,  his blog is a sham having nothing to do with the game itself.
Do you agree ?

Yours utterly gutted by it all ,  Ima Herring 

Dear Ima,
Unlike you I find this blog both revealing and enlightening. If you care to read the blog title it should be obvious , even to a simpleton , that its content is about the " world " of bridge, focusing far more on the administration of the game , the way clubs are run , the types of people the game attracts , their psychological profiles , their petty politics , dealing with many of the contentious issues that forever blight this beautiful game. 
Moreover , the blog exposes and ridicules our human frailties and shortcomings. The author's observations are nothing more than a genuine attempt to prove that the world of bridge is truly bizarre. For beneath all the satire , lampooning , sarcasm , and crudity there lies unpalatable truths that very few of us are prepared to acknowledge and accept. And if bridge clubs are depicted as " asylums "  then this simply reflects the madness that goes on inside them. 
So my advice is this : if you only want to read about bridge hands then explore the many excellent blogs which are out there in abundance on the internet. Otherwise , take off your rose-tinted glasses and see the bridge world as Howard Bigot Johnson does.


Yours another realist and a hard nosed critic , Rebecca Rood
  
  

MORE GREAT WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE POETIC GENIUS DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER

Good golly
Miss Molly
What a wally
Off her trolley
Wasting lolly
On such folly
As sponsoring over-charging, parasitic professionals who treat you with disdainful contempt

BRIDGE BOOKS ANY UP AND COMING PLAYER SHOULD READ..... ( Recommendations by Pun )

• That Nasty Officious TD Really Laid Down The Law..............Didi Harpon
• I'm Really Struggling To Find A Decent Partner....................May I. Askew
• How The Hell Are We Going To Beat This Crack Team ?.........Annie I. Deers
• Either You Do As I Bloody Say Or Else...............................Heidi Manditt
• There's Nothing That Man Can't Turn His Hand To................D. I. Wyman
• I've Got Some Unfinished Business With That Bigot-Johnson....Noah Hitman
• What Happened To You On Those Exciting Hands ?...............I .Camalott
• Losing Out To A Pair Of Cheats Is Really Hard To Take...........Art Hake
• He Only Likes To Play If There's An Edge...........................Cliff Walker
• My Club Is Run By A Load Of Power Crazed Individuals...........Des Potts

CATEGORISING BRIDGE PLAYERS........ ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Bridge players can be categorised in many different ways , but for me there is only one way that makes any sense.
In both their hearts and minds , a large number of players have a strong desire and  inclination to behave unethically ,  in the hope that this level of dishonesty will get them further down the road to glory than doing things the right way. 
The next category of players , which account for nearly all the rest , are those who choose to behave ethically , either because  ( a ) they are too frightened of getting caught , or ( b ) they are incapable of developing the dark art of effective cheating.
Finally, we are left with a minority of gifted players , who are so talented at the game they are more than able to get good results without ever resorting to underhand tactics and unethical behaviour. 

BIGOT-JOHNSON FORMS THE  NEW CO-INCIDENCE CLUB WITHIN THE SHENANIGANS APPROVED CENTRE FOR CHEATING 

Yes the man has done it again with yet another stunning bold initiative. Certain members have been invited to join a club within a club , having been party to some amazing and spectacular co-incidences at the table. 
The latest pairings to join were..........

Flinch & Fox.....who on every occasion they quizzed their opponents about the meaning of an artificial suit bid always sat over the bidder with a huge holding in that particular suit

Coxcomb & Smug....who always managed to lead out an Ace whenever partner held a singleton in that suit , immediately setting up a ruffling position on the play of the next trick

Shyster & Flywheel ......who never failed to know the exact point count of partner's immediate double of an opponent's opening suit bid , given the precise lapse of time between the two bids

Little & Large.......who despite proving themselves to be completely useless at the game when partnering others , always managed as a pair to do extremely well in big money competitions and tournaments

Bluster & Bragg......who perfected the art of indecision and hesitation whenever they held a singleton in the suit being played , or a holding without the queen

Payne  &  Gripe .....who without exception psyched whenever the following circumstances presented themselves ( a ) two opening passes , ( b) favourable vulnerability , ( c ) weak opponents ,  ( d ) two good boards already bagged in a round of 3 , ( e ) player to bid in third position held a singleton spade or less but instead a long weak minor , (  f ) compulsory pre-empt bid of 3 spades

ARE BRIDGE PLAYERS INSANE ?............. (  Short article by Carp ) 

Albert Einstein once said " The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results ".
Well, I have witnessed many bridge players who habitually wander into the realms of magical thinking. Time and time again they believe that this time their deceptive , off-centre bids,  or their anti-percentage play of  the cards will create a difference ,  and earn them a great result . Inevitably their results are always the same : complete disasters. Bidding outside the system and playing against the odds are ploys destined never to succeed : ploys which define these players as complete lunatics.
So if clubs are overrun with crazies then surely they should be classified as asylums, where magical thinkers can safely lock horns with one another to turn this bizarre world of bridge into the theatre of the absurd .   

IN THE
SURREAL
WORLD
OF THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
COMMITTEE
MEETING
BIGOT-JOHNSON
MAKES A
DESPERATE
PLEA
........

" I need you bloody lot to change tack and face up to the gravity of the situation , by fighting tooth and nail to get me out trouble...."

DEFINING JUSTICE................... ( A short article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Justice has many components but some are more important than others. Aristotle , one of the greatest philosophers of all time , believed that the key element of justice is treating like cases alike. This idea however set later thinkers the problem of working out which similarities were most relevant. For Aristotle a parking offence warrants the same £50 fine, whoever the offender might be . Even if the offence was committed by someone for a second or third time , the fine should be the same. The whole notion of eventually hanging someone for a repeated offence would be a totally disproportionate punishment in relation to such a petty crime.
Similarly , Aristotle remarked that it is unjust to treat unequal things equally. Punishment and reward have to be in proportion to the offence committed or the act undertaken. Therefore , it would be totally wrong for a committee to impose a life ban on a member for an act which by any stretch of the imagination could only be defined or established as petty. Even if this petty misdemeanour was one of several complained about over the years, should that person's previous history now elevate it this latest incident into one of gross misconduct ? No, it should not , in that a parking offence still remains a parking offence , and not one which suddenly equates to murder. Moreover , if a person has been punished once for a crime it would be unjust to include that crime again in determining a more severe punishment for a similar offence.     
In work related situations , however ,  the law sees fit to regard repeated petty acts of misconduct , in spite of numerous oral and written warnings , as solid grounds for establishing gross misconduct, for which the dismissal becomes a justified option. But the situation here is fundamentally different in that every previous incident of petty misconduct complained of ,  no punishment had been handed out at all . The process here is to consider the whole episode of misconduct in just one single hearing to arrive at a fair and proportional punishment. 
On a final note, does justice permit mercy and magnanimity ? In my opinion , yes. Where wrongs were committed unintentionally , or with innocent intent , leniency should be applied. Moreover,  only he who is without sin should cast the first stone. No one should be judged against standards the rest of us fail to achieve. Justice and hypocrisy should never be allowed to walk hand-in-hand.  
    
    

BACK TO THAT 
SURREALISTIC
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
COMMITTEE
MEETING
AND ITS
LUNATIC
CHAIRMAN
......


" The club's in real trouble.........and I think Bigot-Johnson is about to nail our colours to his bloody mast !  " 

SURREAL
MOMENTS OF 
UNBEARABLE
TENSION
EXPERIENCED
BY ALL THOSE
ATTENDING
THE LATEST
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
COMMITTEE
MEETING
........


" Bigot-Johnson means business......he's gonna hammer away at us until we all toe the line....."

 BRIDGE BOOKS LOVED AND REVERED BY GAY PLAYERS........ ( Research by Pun )

• Have I Got A Bridge Story To Tell You..........................................Ariel Belta
• Against These Boys It's A Rear Guard Action.............................Baxter Thirwall
• If You Haven't Got A Partner There's Always A Stand-by............Ann Jobb
• Being A Member Of A Gay BC Does Have Its Advantages..........Seymore Butts
• I've Been Watching You For Quite Some Time............................Onya Case
• What Do You Do After The Bridge Session Is Finished ?..........Humphrey Knightley 
• My God He Never Keeps His Hands To Himself..........................Randy Aldman
• Tell Me Partner Do You Have You Any Preferences ?.................Dougie Stiles
• Partner's Sexual Orientation Is A Mystery To Me..........................Ann E. Nigmar
• That Young Bridge Protege Is Just Like His Father..................... Ria Henderson

JUSTICE AND TD RULINGS.............. ( Article by Carp )

Many TD rulings require the use of both discretion and judgement. Either the incident is not adequately covered by Book rulings , or that Book rulings fail to provide an adequate resolution to the problem. The sole objective of a TD should be to administer justice, which in essence is giving to each side what they are due.  The problem is knowing what is due ?
Indeed , an understanding of justice should be a prerequisite in any training programmes for TDs. For instance , justice requires that within the basic structure of fair play , benefit  ( or the benefit of doubt ) should go to least advantaged. Experts can expect , and therefore see through , incorrect explanations of bids nervously stuttered out by inexperienced novices. In the same way they can spot a psych , they can always tell when a mis-description has taken place. Similarly , justice requires a balanced overview of the infraction incident , and subsequent dispute , free from bias and prejudice. Moreover , justice requires a certain rectitude of mind , whereby the TD does what ought to be done as opposed to what he feels should be done, given the particular set of circumstances confronting him. 
Knowing what is due certainly involves administering either a deserved reward or punishment , and in some circumstances both. So when an infraction occurs it is vital to assess the degree of damage suffered by the injured pair. But this is no easy task. Damage may be impossible to quantify and decide upon , and if cannot  be determined then how does one know what should be done to address the wrong to meet the deserving needs of the victims.
In the case of failing give a proper explanation to a bid, surely no reward should be given to the injured pair if it can be established that the infraction did not affect the result . In such circumstances no damage has been done. Often the victims know that the description is wrong or incomplete , and as a result they are not steered into making wrong assessments about the layout of the cards. Again , because no damage has been caused to them , it is far more likely that they will benefit from playing a pair who are bidding on different wavelengths.
Nevertheless justice does require imposing some form of punishment on those who break the rules, and even although victims should not be allowed to profit from an infraction which caused them no loss , the perpetrators need to be dealt with in an appropriate way. This course of action may be necessary if only to serve as a deterrent against repeated misdemeanours. Depending on their degree of experience , the extent of how the bid was incorrectly explained, previous history ( if any ),  and whether or not they were a scratch or regular partnership, punishments should vary between a verbal reprimand and the forfeiting of imps or a percentage from their final score.

            

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED......

• Pack : the prevalent mentality of those hell bent on taking control of bridge club affairs
• Deck : the usual place an opponent gets laid on ,  after a table tiff turns nasty
• Eavesdropping : a widespread activity carried out by those determined to gain an unfair advantage , by secretly tuning in to overhear the catalogue of mistakes owned up to by others on nearby or adjoining tables 
• Prune : a highly descriptive term used to describe a wizened old player with a brain of a similar size 
• Bridge convention : devised by players in the hope that their names will live on long after they have departed  
• Friendliness : a concept or character trait alien to players sitting around a bridge table
• Committee : a body of elected individuals charged with high duties and misdemeanours
• Rumour : the perfect device so often employed with a high degree of success by unscrupulous club members ,  who wish to assassinate the good character of another 
• Bridge bore : an extremely annoying and irritating person , who never stops talking to those who never stop wishing that he would drop dead 
• Holding court : the popular pastime of a bridge bore 
• Insult : a derogatory remark next up in degree of enormity to a unwelcome snub or slight
• Discrimination : what takes place inside a bridge club when the particulars noted in one member are declared more objectionable than the same particulars observed in another

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........

• Defence:    what timid players tend to fall back on when unwilling or unable to launch a bidding attack
• Blind faith :  having a firm but misguided belief that a 7S contract can be made when missing the ace of trumps
• Bridge magic : the amazing ability of bringing home a 7S contract when missing the ace of trumps
• Nepotism : the common practice of recruiting family and friends onto a committee in order to consolidate power and eliminate resistance  
• Bridge club : a social and friendly setting which strangely appeals to both anti-social people and social misfits 
• Chairman : a power crazed individual who believes the pestilence of despotism is far far better than the plague of anarchy
• Indecision : the character trait you wish upon your opponents as the key to your success
• Serial psycher : a maverick bidder with a roving commission to do as he/she sees fit 
• Partnership harmony : a phenomenon rarely seen or achieved in the bizarre world of bridge
• Absurdity : a declared line of play which is manifestly inconsistent with one that uses elementary logic and basic counting to achieve success
• Self abasement : a decent and customary practice adopted by most inferior bridge players when apologising to their expert, extremely talented partners
• Social bridge player : a person whose vices and follies make him/her extremely unsociable   

MEANWHILE
BACK AT
THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BRIDGE
CLUB
........

BIGOT-JOHNSON PULLS OFF AN AMAZING COUP AT THE SHENANIGANS CENTER OF APPROVED CHEATING......

It was committee time and a crucial vote was about to be taken on an amendment to The Constitution , which would give even more power to the chairman " to do as he sees fit ". Bigot knew well in advance that quite a few of the committee members had grave reservations about this proposal, and might well vote against it. And so slyness and deception was needed.
Not surprisingly a fierce debate took place between Bigot and his main adversaries , which as planned gave no opportunity or scope for the silent majority to have their say or voice their opinions. Many of them just simply looked on in sheer disbelief.
As soon as tempers settled down the voting forms were handed out with a yes/no box to be ticked ( in secret ). The folded forms were collected in,  and carefully scrutinised, before being separated into two piles. As planned the larger pile represented the " yes " votes , and a declaration was made stating the 8 members voted in favour of the proposed amendment for change. With only 4 voting against, this meant that the 2/3 majority requirement had been met to give Bigot his hard earned victory. 
After the meeting had ended , all the disgruntled committee members headed off into the night to drown their sorrows. Shyster , the Center's exceedingly sly and shadowy secretary , approached Bigot to query how the vote went 8-4 in his favour  " when the secret surveillance cameras revealed that 6 had definitely voted against the proposed amendment ".
" Ah " said Bigot , " I anticipated this scenario ......and with slight of hand any magician would have been proud of........ I switched a doctored set of voting returns for the set that was done in the room. Relying on the fact that some of the objectors would not know about others , no one would suspect any foul play on my part. And that's why..........of course....... this place is called Shenanigans ! "
   

NEWSFLASH : ALARMING DEVELOPMENTS AT SHENANIGANS BC CAUSE  THE EBU TO GET EXTREMELY WORRIED............

It was bound to happen with Bigot-Johnson in charge. The ultimate chairman is on the verge of changing the name of the club to Shenanigans Center of Approved Cheating , such is the widespread practice of peeking , eavesdropping , walkabouts , expressive body language , coded card placements and gestures , loaded questions , hesitations and cunning use of TDs.
When questioned the chairman firmly believed that the best way to create a level playing field    " was to provide everyone with the same opportunities to develop and harness their cheating methods to the same universal standard ".
As a result of this bold brave initiative, special classes are being planned by the Bigot to educate those not yet familiar with the dark arts. Students will be taught and encouraged to use all the techniques so successfully employed by him over the years.
Indeed, the potential take up for these classes seems to be massive, with non-members from far and wide expected to join up. These are likely to include keen tournament players yet to achieve any level success , given their modest ability at the game.
Even the £100 session fee is not expected to curb demand as everyone seems utterly fascinated by the abstract beauty and subtlety of Bigot's dark and dastardly table antics, so full of invention , creativity and cunning. 
        

VOTED THE MOST SENSATIONAL BRIDGE  BOOKS EVER WRITTEN....... ( Survey results by Pun )

• I'm Almost Certain I've Got A 70% Scorecard Here.........................Shirley Isa Winner 
• She Doesn't Give A Damn About Over Bidding.............................Blythe Lee Gunn-Hoe
• Changing The Constitution To Give The Committee More Power....Ivan I. Deer
• This Legal Dispute Is Going To Set A Landmark Precedent............Tess Case
• As For Court Costs Whatever Will Be Will Be.................................Kay Sarah Serrah
• As Chairman I Never Let Anything Get Pass Me..............................I. C.Hall
• That Troublemaker Is Wasting His Time Seeking Readmission.....Enid Knott-Bother
• How Come That Flying Bridgemate Sent Him To Hospital ? ...........Ed N. Jurie 
• Did The Bridgemate Tosser Have A Target In Mind ?......................Hugh Noes
• She's Renown For Lambasting  Her Partners.................................Ruth Leslie Krule
• I'll Tell You Why I Passed Your  2 No Trump Rebid..........................Ivor Porrand
• Couldn't Help Overhearing Your Disagreement Over The Bidding....May I. N. Trude
• Our Exit From The NICKO Was In Round Two................................Earl E. Dawes
• Please Tell Your Players Not To Form A Disorderly Queue..............Stan N. Lyne
• Be Warned Partner , I'm Renown For My Explosive Temper.............T. N. Tee
• Don't Ever Let Opponents Bully Or Intimidate You.............................Mo M. Downe
• What Would You Have Done If Accused Of Cheating ?.....................Ida Dide
• It's Win Or Bust Time , Partner............................................................Orla Nuthin
• Please Don't Drop Me From The Team...............................................Ava Haart 
• If I'm Dropped From This Team I'll Top Myself...................................Harry Carrie