DOSSIERS FOR DISCIPLINARY HEARINGS : BIGOT-JOHNSON REVEALS THE SECRET TO SUCCESS

In many bridge clubs there will be committees with blacklists of members they would love to see the back of. Unfortunately getting rid of these undesirables is no easy task when these buggers rarely , if ever , step out of line. Therefore , a well orchestrated and coordinated plan needs to be put into place , awaiting some pretext on which to charge the member with a disciplinary offence. This of course can come about the moment a written complaint is sent in to the committee , irrespective of its spurious and frivolous allegations.  
If the alleged offence happens to be slight or insignificant , warranting only a slap on the wrist , then compiling a dossier on the member's dark and sinful past becomes a must. This document will serve and justify the committee's decision to implement a life ban.
The dossier is key. It is of paramount importance. It needs to reflect detailed and meticulous research , dedication to the cause , creativity and invention , pure venom and complete mastery of the hyperbole.
Indeed , the perfect dossier must fulfil the following 10 requirements :
1. It must be presented in a black cover , as this symbolic colour enhances its sinister and evil   
    content
2. Make it a heavy object , such that when it is slammed down on the table the loud noise gives
    the impression that its weight of content is both substantial and overwhelming
3. The dossier must contain all the possible dirt that there is too find on the member concerned
    which  stretches right back to his/her infant days , when nappy soiling was a daily occurrence
4. Dig deep , and make sure each bit of unearthed dirt is skillfully  enhanced by exaggeration 
    and hyperbole in order to maximise its shock value. 
5. No stone must be left unturned by those engaged in background research , who must be
    willing and able to go to great lengths to discover all the run-ins the member has had with
    the police , government officials and authority figures 
6. If real dirt is short on the ground then the dossier must be packed with hearsay, outrageous
    speculations , ugly rumours , tittle-tattle gossip and all manner of unfounded accusations
7. Details of broken relationships , failed marriages , family bust-ups , spats with traffic
    wardens , work-colleagues , bridge partners , TDs , and overly officious types often provide 
    a rich source of content
8. In the rare case that the member has a clean past , then base the dossier on covert
    surveillance information gleaned from round-the-clock spying operations. These might pick
    up instances of litter dropping , alcohol drinking , car speeding , illegal parking , swearing in
    public , plus many other forms of deviant behaviour. These lapses will all help to blacken the
    member's character beyond forgiveness and redemption
9. Any information , however , which tends to put the member in a " good light " must be 
    both ignored and destroyed
10. The dossier needs to be a work of art in portraying the member as evil , because  
    otherwise all that time , energy and effort in fitting-up the accused will be wasted