BRIDGE CLUBS : THE THORNY PROBLEM OF DISCIPLINING MEMBERS REVISITED............... ( Article by professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Disciplining members is an issue that every bridge faces from time to time. It is the nature of the game and the tragedy of the human condition. But even when  clubs have formal disciplinary procedures in place , as drawn up in their constitutions , massive problems can still arise. These usually involve situations where there has been a lamentable failure to comply with all the requirements of natural justice.

Problems tend to surface when no officer on the committee has the appropriate legal knowledge or training ,  with a firm grasp of what lawyers call  " due process ". Ignorance of these matters usually means only one thing : they get overlooked. Moreover , it's often the case that  the wider membership remains blissfully ignorant of whether their organisation  even has a written constitution , or if it does , what its contents might be. Assuming then the committee members are aware of the club's constitution , it's not guaranteed that they know the precise meaning , and legal implications , of the words used in the document , and how exactly the rules , regarding disciplinary procedures ,  should be interpreted and implemented  if they are to comply with rules of natural justice.

Paying lip service compliance to the procedural steps laid in the disciplinary process does not necessarily add up to compliance with rules of natural justice. Here the decision makers need to do more than go through the procedural motions : they must set out and embrace fully a spirit of fairness , impartiality , objectivity and open-mindedness. But this of course is easier said than done.

Far too many committee members, when dealing with unpopular troublemakers , enter discussions  with  closed minds ,  and a fierce determination not to be persuaded  or distracted  from " taking appropriate action ". The idea that anyone  can become an impartial , objective , and unbiased person ,  completely open to persuasion at the drop of a hat ,  is pure fantasy. The human condition does not allow it , but the courts will look to see if club management teams have set out to achieve such noble ideals. 

Freedom from bias perhaps is the hardest thing to achieve in small bridge clubs, where close, cosy relationships are common place ,  and everyone has " an opinion " on everybody else. This main risk of course is that committee members may base their decisions on a negative experience or encounter with the accused , which is bound to prejudice their judgement. In such circumstances it would be both prudent and wise for any jaundiced committee member to own up to  his/her personal animosity towards the accused ,  thereby abstaining from any discussion , or voting , on the matter in question.

In a recent Scottish case involving a golfer , challenging his expulsion from his club , a judicial review was called for.  With so many mistakes made ,  the club was rounded upon  by the judge for operating its disciplinary process  ( and AGMs ) in a manner and way that resembled a kangaroo court .

So where did this golf committee go wrong ?

Firstly , the petitioner was not invited to attend the disciplinary hearing  which sealed his fate . Indeed, he was never informed , or forewarned , that his membership was at risk, and possibly up for termination . He was not made aware of the other charges that were made against him at this meeting , denying him the opportunity to state his case or offer a defence.  The committee had acted in an  ultra vires way when using AGMs to secure endorsements from the wider membership for its questionable decisions. Indeed , the club had breached rules of natural justice on numerous occasions. It was also held that the petitioner had a right to be present to see that rules of natural justice were being observed ,  but since he was denied this right , decisions leading to both suspension and expulsion were therefore declared null and void .  This oversight by the committee proved to be the final nail in the club's financial coffin. 

Not surprisingly , the upshot of this case was that the expelled golfer secured a  judicial ruling for reinstatement ,  with his costs and expenses to be met by the club.

So important lessons need to be taken on board by all bridge club committees.  For if they take on quasi-judicial proceedings then additional  legal obligations fall upon them . The notion of  giving the accused a fair summary of the reasons for the decision to expel him may be a discretionary right , but one which should be given him anyway when considering the degree of  seriousness attached to cases involving expulsions.  Similarly ,  giving the accused the opportunity beforehand to see the evidence put forward by the committee to support their decisions is also a wise and prudent move. But more importantly , no member should ever be expelled without his/her presence at the disciplinary hearing.  And to justify not allowing the accused to attend a hearing simply  " because there seemed no point in him/her having one " is a damning indictment of bias and prejudgement. Failing to seek legal advice at crucial times is also another colossal oversight. Failing to allow the accused legal representation at an internal appeal hearing might well be viewed by any court as " a little naive " , if the committee wishes to demonstrate its fair and impartial attitude and approach. 

When the remote possibility of a court action suddenly changes to one of a racing certainty , club committees must hope that within their constitution rules and regulations  they have the power to refer the dispute to mediation or arbitration. In the absence of such a flexible option , then such a move should be sought anyway with the cooperation of the petitioner.  It is far better to act in a prudent and wise way at the outset ,  rather than adopting a confrontational stance.  Common sense dictates that both sides are far better off seeking and negotiating a compromise position,  because otherwise the legal bills will start to rocket. Sensible choices in life usually involve picking the lesser of two evils. So unless a club is 100% confident it has  scrupulously followed its own disciplinary procedures without any hint of bias ,  or acting in bad faith , and any breaches of natural justice rules, then the only other sensible option to follow up is this :  seek agreement to organise a rehearing of the case by a completely outside , totally impartial , independent    body , where legal expertise is not in short supply .......with both sides fully prepared to accept and uphold its decision .     

JOHNNY

SHOWS

THE

NUMPTIES

HOW

TO
DO
IT
...
...
The hand above saw 3NT bid at most tables , but strangely this contract was going off all over the place. Clearly there were numpties out there who think they can play bridge but can't. So let's look at a couple of the horror stories.
The jack of hearts was the opening lead almost on every table.
Numpty 1 won the lead , cashed the king of clubs and then finessed the club 10 . If this worked ten tricks were there....but it didn't. East pounced with the queen , returned a heart , and in the fullness of time , South ended two light.
Numpty 2 did a little better . On winning the heart , he played the jack of diamonds pinning his hopes on making 4D,2C, 2H and 1S to bring home the bacon. This required the diamonds honours to be split with West holding the Kx or Qx doubleton. Moreover, this line of play still left him with the option of falling back on clubs should East win with his doubleton Kx or Qx. As it happened East did win the trick but now whatever declarer did , his goose was well and truly cooked. 
Thankfully , there were one or two declarers who knew how to play the cards....and Johnny was one of them. He also appreciated that chances in both minor suits needed to be combined . So after taking the opening heart , he led the four of clubs to the jack . Had he been up against a poor defender, this line would have worked , if East jumped in with the queen.  Johnny of course would be thrown back in with a heart ,  but now the king of clubs can be overtaken by dummy's Ace to harvest the 9 tricks required ( 5C,2H,1D and 1S ). 
But this East was up to Johnny's standards in defence and wisely held off . However , Johnny was now in dummy, and in position to take the first of two diamond finesses, making sure he kept the 10 for the second finesse . Whether East rose with the King or not , Johnny could not be stopped from harvesting  4 diamond tricks  , being quite prepared to overtake his club king if a second entry to dummy was needed. 

( Footnote : the decision to play the 10 of diamonds on the second finesse covered the possibility of West having a stiff honour ,  leaving declarer with no problem at all in  successfully finessing East next time round )
  

THE

WONDER
OF
SYMMETRY
.........
( Article by Johnny Supremo )

The other day I entered into an argument about whether it was possible for 3NT to make by any declarer on the same deal , against any defence. Surely it was impossible for such a deal to exist ?  It would be far easier to construct a hand where 2 opposing declarers to make 9 tricks , but for all four players to succeed....now that requires a miracle.

Well, it seems the wonder of symmetry settles this argument for once and for all. Indeed, the hand above does produce this most amazing outcome .

Given the perfect symmetry of the deal , we only need to analyse one declarer , so let's go for South.

On a club lead , declarer will take the trick pitching a spade from dummy to unblock the suit. And with the club suit blocked he/she has the luxury to play a low spade from both hands. Once in East can of course play a club to partner's Ace , but what now for the defence ?  A diamond puts East in to take the Ace and 10 of clubs , but now declarer is home making 1D, 1C, 1H and 6 spades ....when the Ace of course brings down the King.  If  however West starts off with a diamond , declarer simply covers, and lobs away a heart to unblock that suit...... and similar situation repeats itself.

Should West instead foolishly lead a heart, declarer will rattle off 3 quick hearts tricks, before crossing over to the spade Ace to gain access to the other 5 established heart winners. Game, set and match .

    

BRIDGE BLOGS :  JUST TWO OF MY FAVOURITES  ....... ( Review by Bridgemeister Gibson )

There are many bridge blogs which I thoroughly love and regularly read . One of them is Toy Bridge , created by a New Zealander who clearly has a great love for the game. He chooses to focus nearly all his articles on hands ,  which clearly raised a few smiles....plus many  awkward and interesting questions at the relevant time . The content , layout , and literary style stick to  a particular format , but it's one that works for me. Indeed, I find all his stuff very  easy read , not to mention entertaining and thoroughly enjoyable.

However , while surfing on the net for new stuff ,  I came across another blog , presumably from the USA, which I regarded as a hidden treasure ......an undiscovered golden nugget in fact. This blog , which goes under the title of LOL Bridge ,  is defined by the author as " making the game of contract bridge fun again ". And believe you me it is fun to read. The content is varied , incredibly quirky and at times very funny . Yet , there is a real underpinning honesty , where the send up satire and irony  exposes the failings and shortcomings....... that all of us as bridge players unfortunately possess .

For instance , he offers a definition of a cold contract as being " what your side had before you blew it " , whereas the definition of an ice cold contract is " what your side had before your partner blew it ".

The blog' s first entry it seems was in July 2008 , but sadly the last posting was in February 2011. So despite the limited number of posts, there is still 2 to 3 good hours of excellent reading there to browse through. Clearly, the author decided that quality should take preference over quantity. So why not take a brief excursion to the world of LOL Bridge and Toy bridge , if only to start or end your day with a smile.        

PUN REVIEWS THE GREATEST BRIDGE BOOK EVER WRITTEN........

Nothing on God's earth will ever surpass Sue Keeper's literary masterpiece  " The Animal House Bridge Club ". This book appears , at first sight , to be an hilarious send up of every stereotype player we are likely to encounter week, week out , at our local bridge club. The author has certainly taken over where Victor Mollo left off. Each chapter introduces the reader to a whole lost of ludicrous characters, who all seem to possess behavioural  traits , which   are far more in keeping with animals than humans. So when they all come together as performing actors in the theatre of the absurd , we have the making of a truly marvellous pantomime.

Also inspired by the Desmond Morris book , The Human Zoo ,   Sue portrays bridge players as wild animals, with all their basic instincts , primitive urges , and behavioural idiosyncrasies, ready to surface at every opportunity .  These animistic responses completely over-ride all their human conditioning. The bridge club it seems becomes a zoo , where deviant and abnormal behaviour is the norm . This perverse phenomenon has been proved  by Desmond's long term studies of caged animals , but now Sue Keeper has linked her  ground breaking research to areas of abnormal psychology , and weird personality disorders .

This gifted author sees the typical bridge club resembling a lion's den , where many unsuspecting players enter at their peril. With sharp-toothed predators lying in wait ,  tasty lambs and tender rabbits provide easy pickings .  Often served up on a plate , they are usually swallowed whole  or eaten alive. The laws that  operate in the animal house are not from the Orange Book : they are the laws of the jungle. It's dog eat dog.  With top flight players forming packs to make hunting easier , even elephants with their superb memories are at risk . So when you  add to that....  the snakes , foxes and rats which slither and scurry around in the shadows , then danger lurks at every turn .

Nevertheless, one of the more amusing stereotypes, is the skunk. This is a player who leaves a bad smell wherever he goes. His odious and disturbing presence tends to create a foul atmosphere at the table. Inevitably , opponents are so overcome by his antics, they find themselves feeling nauseous and unwell , long after he has departed.

This book without a shadow of doubt sets out to be the ultimate lampoon, but one cannot help but feel that reading between the lines , the author is trying to  expose a startling and shocking reality......that members' clubs are not what they appear to be. If  lunatics have  taken over the  asylums ....then animals are firmly in charge here....in the bizarre world of bridge.      

   

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.4125 ......

( At  long last the Cardinals Bridge Club committee were given a  golden opportunity to get rid of Bigot-Johnson for once and for all . Over 24 separate complaints came in against him regarding the same incident, which had rocked the club to its core.  A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below ).

Chairman : Bigot.....there's no comeback for you this time....we've got you on a disciplinary charge that's so serious , it's curtains for you.....

B-J : How come ?

Chairman : We've received letters of complaint from every member who witnessed your appalling behaviour last Thursday night .... midway through the duplicate

B-J : I wasn't quite myself that night...

Chairman : Be that as it may , but when you let rip at all and sundry , who were only trying to calm you down , the language you used was certainly more than blue !

B-J : Yes , I admit there was the odd " F" word  in amongst my rants and insults.....but I can't stand interfering , meddling do-gooders.....

Chairman : Well, firstly I need to point out there were 47 " F" words used...........to be exact  ....  alongside some other appalling expletives....all horribly vulgar and offensive. 

Indeed some of words used were so obscene they would have shocked even ladyboy sailors who regularly read " Viz"......and secondly , these so called do-gooders were only trying to stop you committing acts of extreme physical violence , and criminal damage to property

B-J : I was a tad upset....in fact East started me off on a blow out when he accused me of not bidding in tempo

Chairman : Upset .....you were monstrous , murderous and maniacal. Whatever happened to tact and diplomacy , where just a quiet word in someone's ear about your distress and concern would have been sufficient ?

B-J : But once my gander was up I felt an overwhelming compulsion to voice my angst and annoyance in a way that my doctor recommends as self-therapeutic....

Chairman : Might I remind you that many of the members present were obliged to seek therapy, after being at the receiving end of your sharp and vulgar tongue

B-J : Well.....it's all spilt milk now....and so what are you big cry-babies going to do about it ?

Chairman : Ban you.......

B-J : You can't......it's against the law .....such an action would be in breach of my human rights

Chairman : But you're not human....you're a monster

B-J : Not so.....because clearly you perceive me as a troublesome member when in fact I am nothing more than a " troubled " member......a man who is troubled and cursed with a terrible medical...or should I say...mental disorder

Chaiman : What's that ?

B-J : Tourette's Syndrome....and that qualifies me as a disabled person....one who is covered by The Disability Discrimination Act of 2005. This says I have a right not to be discriminated against on the basis of my unfortunate affliction. Why ..here you are....a load of pompous , self-righteous hypocrites....condemning and using my disability as an excuse to get rid of me. Any court would see this discrimination as shameful and wrongful 

Chairman : This is preposterous......you've not got Tourette's....

B-J : Now....in the words of Bruce Banner....please don't get me mad , because....oops....too late.....I'm turning green.....and now you  arse-licking mother-f....ers.....you're in for a right f....ing good hiding....

Chairman : Please no...it's ok....we'll not ban you.... that's a promise ......but please put down Mrs Frobisher ...........she's far too fragile to be thrown across the room like you've just done with Mr. Vickers.....   

  

AGEING MEMBERSHIPS AND FALLING NUMBERS.... ( Part 2 ) 

Losing members through natural wastage is inevitable : age , infirmity and relocation all take their toll on membership numbers. But this should pose no problem for clubs if they can recruit larger numbers of new members. Here both committees and ordinary members have a big part to play. New members first have to be brought in by the front door , but the experience they get needs to be a positive one if they are be encouraged to stay long term.
The secret to recruitment is setting up and running successful bridge classes. People who might be "thinking " about taking up bridge are highly unlikely to turn up at a club " on spec " , but in a class of beginners many will be comforted by the fact that there will be others sitting in the same boat . Ideally , introductory classes should be free ( no off-putting price deterrent )  , and subsequent intermediate classes ought to be on offer with a generous refund discount on completion.
The next goal is of course to integrate these novice players into safe and friendly duplicate events , where a mentoring system is in operation. here all long standing members have a crucial part to play. Every effort must be made to make newcomers feel welcome , to be forgiven when nervous hesitation leads them into error , and to review the hands in a spirit of friendly advice , with an over-riding sense of humour and perspective.
Given that most players develop a tendency to partner people of similar ability, beginners are often left playing with each other. This may well cause them to be constantly demoralised when racking up one poor result after another , week in week out. So building up their confidence and self-belief is the key to developing their long term commitment to playing the game.  This may require more and more events to be handicapped , in order to level out the playing field. Moreover , on any occasion when a mean spirited experienced player turns to the rule book to benefit from an alleged transgression , TDs need to make far more discretionary decisions in favour of those , who are only guilty of innocent or inadvantant mistakes. There is nothing more off-putting when seeing a top player psych , and then look to the rule book to further punish his /her hapless opponents. This happens when the gross deviation confuses them so much , they often make a stab-in-the-dark bid , which their partner ends up offering an improper or incorrect description , when asked by this oh-so-cunning adversary. 
Bridge clubs can only survive if revenue streams are maximised . Clubs cannot afford to lose members unnecessarily . New blood may be the lifeblood of a bridge club , but not at the expense of old blood. However , it is my contention that membership numbers can be maximised if everyone adopts an attitude that the hustle and bustle that goes on inside a bridge club , is no different to the hustle and bustle of life.  As bridge players we all need a good sense of humour , a great deal of patience and tolerance .....alongside a fearless and philosophical approach towards the game.    

  

AGEING MEMBERSHIPS AND FALLING NUMBERS : CAN BRIDGE CLUBS SURVIVE ?................ ( Article by Carp )

There is a stark reality out there that is very disturbing for the future of bridge clubs , especially those which already have small numbers . Yesterday I spoke to a player from the Wakefield area who was bemoaning the fact that as members drifted off , no new ones were coming in to replace them. The future of his club looked very bleak indeed.

Bridge clubs not only need take responsibility to actively recruit members , but also to  encourage existing ones to stay. This means clubs need to promote bridge as a wonderful pastime and pursuit in order  to draw in interested parties , whilst at the same time guarantee an ongoing social experience that remains  highly stimulating and rewarding.

For clubs to drive away new members ( who would have otherwise stayed ) by being too snooty, cliquish , unwelcoming , and cold ,  is nothing more than scandalous . For clubs to drive away long standing members by allowing petty politics to get out of control beggars belief.  Conflicts and divisions  will always have repercussions , both short and long term , but the never ending domino  " cause and effect "  of internal disputes can only lead to dozens of adverse outcomes and negative implications .   

The role of committees should be to resolve differences and disputes within the club in a sensible and amicable way , not to create or exacerbate conflict . The future well being and success of the club is of paramount importance , which should always take precedence over the aims and aspirations of those cursed with personal agendas and big egos. For instance , if there is a situation where two members cause trouble ever time they meet at the table , then banning one or both of them might well be seen as a naive , possibly controversial, decision.  Surely ,  a simple resolution to the problem would be to say  " Well, unless you two resolve your differences ,  and agree to be mutually respectful and polite, then you will be barred from playing from playing on the same night ". In my view every member of the club is an important revenue source, who the club cannot afford to discard. Even when his/her behaviour is so bad , the decision to expel must undergo an appropriate cost/benefit analysis
by the ciommittee , such that the punishment meets both the requirements of economic and common sense.

                                                                                                       .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

   

SLOW PLAYERS DESERVE ALL THE SARCASM THEY GET........ ( Article by Carp )

A slow player can eat away at your patience and nerves like no one else . The waiting , the endless waiting , for a bid or a card to be played is no different to a death by a thousand cuts. You want to scream . You want to off load all your frustration and anger. You want to strike out. But how ?
Well , might I suggest the use of a few sarcastic put downs .......like these little treasures I have used over the years for dramatic and devastating effect.........before you start dreaming up some gems of your own. These put downs might not solve the problem , but as sure as God made little green apples ,  they really do help you feel so much better. 
- Don't rush mate....I wouldn't want you to overlook all the other possible permutations of what could happen next
- Excuse me , but I have a hospital appointment in 3 days time
- Director.... correct me if I'm wrong , but I  do believe this man's  brain has stopped working
- Sir , either you are a time traveller who has made time stand still for yourself....or  one who has propelled the rest of us 10 minutes into the future
- If it is true that time does fly by when you're really enjoying yourself , then you my friend must be experiencing absolute ecstasy 
- So tell me truthfully .....are you from another planet , where your " seconds " equate to our " minutes " ?
- I don't know it is possible for you to play a card any slower , but knowing your track record I'm sure you're going to give it a damn good try
- If my bridge brain can be likened to a computer, then yours sir would be best described as an abacus
- Don't tell me....you're finding it a problem following suit with a singleton ?
- Director...director....this man has gone into the tank...... and the poor sod's drowning in his own ineptitude and ignorance
- Excuse my partner ,  but he reckoned by the time you get round to making your next bid , he could use half of that to fully service my car 
- This table has 20 minutes to play these 3 boards.....so would 18 minutes be alright for your allocated time share.....or is that not enough ?
- How is it you're the only player in the room who has never heard of , or understood , the principle of preparedness ? 
- Oh, you 've finally made a decision.....but are you sure it's the right one......wouldn't it be a wise and prudent step to take another 10 minutes to re-evaluate it ?
- I wonder sir if your ability to masturbate your way to an orgasm takes as long as your last bid ? .......I  sincerely hope not....... for the sake  of your wrist

THE LATEST HOT GOSSIP BRIDGE BOOKS....... ( Research by Pun )

• No Need For Us To Fall Out , Partner......................Les Makepeace
• Surely You Can Make This Simple Slam ?..............Noah Kant
• He's A Top Player But He Never Gets Selected......Sasha Waist
• Players Who Aren't Even Up To Wiping My Arse......Lou Roll
• Problem Hands Tackled By An Expert....................Eve N. E. Wentoff
• Partner, Have You Seen My Hot Dog Stand ?........Percy Steep
• If You See A Bridgemate Flying Your Way..............Bess Duck
• Partner , I'm Always Open To Persuasion.............. Hugh Turner
• There's A Grand Slam On Here ...............................Will E. Biddett
• Disputes With Your Club Can Make You Unwell.......Sue E. Syddall  

JOHNNY

LOOKS

AHEAD

AND

AVOIDS

THE

LOOMING

SMOTHER

PLAY........

In a top class competition Johnny Supremo demonstrated his defensive prowess on the hand above. South plays in 6 spades and Johhnny is sitting East. The contract appears doomed , for declarer must lose a diamond trick ,  and West's trump king appears to be sufficiently protected to elude capture by normal finessing.

However , in this field declarers were red hot , and nearly all received an opening 4 of diamonds lead. After winning with the Ace,  the 10 and 9 of spades were immediately finessed , with West declining to cover. Then came three top clubs, followed by two top hearts and a heart ruff by declarer. At trick 10 the ace of diamonds is played and the trap was now set for a well executed smother play.

When East is thrown in with the queen of diamonds , he is obliged to lead a heart . This will be ruffed by South with the jack of spades and West is powerless to stop declarer making the last two tricks. If he covers declarer is straight in which the Ace, and the queen is good : if he under-ruffs his King falls under dummy's Ace next trick .

So what then happened on Johnny's table ? At trick 3 on the second round of spades Johnny jettisoned his quuen of diamonds , therefore avoiding the throw-in at trick 11. Now when the diamond trick is conceded ,  it is West who wins it with the 9 , enabling him to play a low spade to dummy's Ace to establish his trump king for the setting trick.

Such great defence......foresight and genius combined.   

REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS OUT IN DEFENCE OF BIGOT-JOHNSON........

Many people were overjoyed when they heard the news that Bigot-Johnson had been suspended for 2 years from the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC. The committee there felt enough was enough , and that his bluntness amounted to extreme rudeness. Tactful behaviour to Bigot has been a "no-no ". Does he feel guilty for being so blunt , and speaking his mind with such commendable precision of thought and clarity of expression , that cheaters, slow players, idiots, irritants , and pompous show-offs  should all get their comeuppance ?  Not one bit.

Nevertheless, the key question remains : should he have been less straight ? Most the committee said yes , but on reflection his blunt speaking, unrestrained no-holds-barred  behaviour could be viewed as the height of honesty , and the most effective way to confront these other undesirable members.

Why do so many of us think the best way to deal with an awkward situation at the bridge table is to avoid plain speaking ? To brush aside these annoying transgressions , or to cause an even bigger fuss and delay by calling over the TD ? Why do even those of us who cherish simple meaningful language tie ourselves in knots to avoid offending people. Turning one's cheek to these wrongdoers will only encourage them to slap you on the other, and exacerbate their problem behaviour even more.

When Bigot is offended , quite understandably he feels  the need to mitigate the pain , to ease the tension , and to apply the biblical teaching of an eye for an eye. In his world , and especially in his club, players have no time whatsoever for specious and silly pretences. In fact , by shrouding words in a cloak of non-rudeness only adds to an already controversial element exposed at the tables : dishonesty.

As Bernard Levin once said " truth is the only antidote to the poison of euphemism.....and that all euphemisms are lies ". These lies are told with a particular purpose, and that purpose is to change reality. So why not then accept the fact there is not a bridge player alive today  , who is ever likely to commit a table transgression which would test the patience of a saint ?  This is a false reality which the committee chose to believe. Furthermore,  Bigot's reality reflects only the flawed  perceptions of  a bitter and twisted man . 

But no man can change reality , and moreover why should anyone be obliged to live out such a ludicrous pretence. Reality is of course very painful. The truth often hurts. Yet reality and truth , in Bigot's mind , is the very bedrock and foundation on which he has created the Slaughter House BC. 

For him , it is morally inconsistent to uphold the virtues of honesty and plain speaking , if one then chooses to respond to an awkward situation at the bridge table with verbiage and euphemism. 

  

BIGOT-

JOHNSON

RECRUITS

"TOXIC " 

TED

BATEMAN

TO GIVE

THE

MAGAZINE

A BIT

MORE

BITE

........

TYPICAL                                                                        BRIDGE

PLAYERS

FROM A

BYGONE

AGE

.......

WHEN

THERE

REALLY

WAS A

MAJESTY

AND

MAGIC
ABOUT

THE GAME

( Article by Carp )

When I look at this photo I am hit by all the positive characteristics that so vividly come across by these very distinguished-looking gentlemen. I see the game being played by people who knew how to dress , because they all had a sense of occasion which prioritised bridge as an important event in their weekly calendar.......one which warranted both time and effort to look   good and to look smart .

But what strikes me most of all is their demeanour , which I firmly believe would be ever present at the table :  dignity , composure , calmness ,  and  respectful appreciation of partners and opponents alike . Yet beneath their refined , educated , outward appearance , they all give the impression of possessing a very careful and clinical approach to their bidding and play the cards ,  bringing out in the process ,  all the joy and exhilaration that only this wonderful game can provide . 

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER....... ( A snippet from a newspaper article by a bridge correspondent , who had the misfortune to turn up as a visitor for a Saturday night duplicate , at the Slaughter House BC )  

" ........This club was hell on earth......with a room heaving with hard-nosed men , and rather robust women , who would have made a troop of war veterans from Afghanistan look like a bunch of brownies on a Sunday school outing. The duplicate there was an intense and bitter war of attrition , a dog-eat-dog debacle, where bridgemates, fists and insults were constantly flying everywhere.

I have seen ruthless gold-diggers play nap in the Australian outback , twenty stone bruisers   holding blackjack banks on a South Sea pirate ships, and sharp-eyed   mavericks take on mean spirited ex-cons  in big money games of poker ,  with everyone keeping a magnum point 45 very close to hand.......but I've never met a more scary bunch of card sharps as I did that night at the Slaughter House Bridge Club.

Indeed , I felt an extremely lucky man to survive the evening with my body and head intact  , since it was obvious from the start that my presence there was not welcome. Most of the players set out to bait me ,  hoping to seize upon my instinct to respond in order to channel their pent up ferocity into full scale attack. But I was wise ,  and kept my head safely below the parapet.

But if this is what a duplicate night in the 21st century is all about then I would rather spend a day locked up in a cage with a giant over-sexed gay gorilla high on viagra......than go back to a  place where Armageddon and bridge had collided..... "

    

OH PARTNER ! ........ ( Another classic poem from the fertile mind and gifted pen of Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber ) 
.....
.....

My God, what on earth are you doing ?

Are you trying to make me feel ill ?

Your errors just tear me asunder

Like a blow torch cuts through steel

Having just butchered a simple slam

The one that was colder than ice
Forget about me being forgiving
No more can I be " Mr. Nice "

And as for apologies don't bother

Because none can ease my pain

As a player I now rate as " zero "

Or one who's completely insane

.....
.....

SURVEY
REVEALS

MAGAZINE

READERS
TO BE

SICK

DEPRAVED

LOW LIFE

MISFITS

OF THE

BRIDGE

WORLD

...........

AN INCIDENT WHICH RECENTLY TOOK PLACE INSIDE THE WORLD'S FRIENDLIEST BRIDGE CLUB...... ( A truly unbelievable story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Committee member ( CM ) : Excuse me sir....but I do not like the look of your face

Visitor ( V ) : But.....but.....I've only just arrived........and this is the first time I 've ever played here

CM : That's irrelevant.....I don't like the cut of your jib......and I certainly don't like the smart-arse way you've been answering my questions.....in fact you're not welcome in the club at all !

V : What do you mean ?

CM : Oh....so you want me to spell it out in crystal clear terms ....right then.....here goes.... why don't you get lost , bog off , take a hike , sling yer hook , get on yer bike , sod off..... or in other words take a run and jump

V : I  don't understand...

CM :  My God ...you just don't get it ....you thick , dim witted , garbage-for-brains illiterate .....I'm telling you to PISS OFF......and never come back here again 

V : Does this mean then.....I'm.....?

CM: Yes it does....you're barred,  blackballed , excluded , boycotted, banished, expelled, which all adds up to the same thing.....

V :  What's that ?
CM : You're banned....                                                               

V :  So will I get my table money back ?

CM : Over my dead body........ Hey Ronnie.....go and get Reggie..... and escort this person off the premises.....in any way you boys see fit  

" BAD

BRIDGE "
REACHES

THE
NADIR
IN CRASS

JOURN-

ALISM

AND

APPALLING

TASTE

...........

PRIVATE MEMBERS CLUBS AND PENDING LAW SUITS....... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi ) 

If a private members club gets embroiled into a lawsuit in order to resolve an internal dispute , that journey inevitably places immense stress and worry on all parties concerned. This of course begs the question of whether " going to court "  was the right decision or not ?

Wise men will always point out that it is better to reach a compromise before the litigation process starts rather than later.  The further down the line they travel  , the more difficult it is to stop.......but waiting for them at the end could well be the spectre of bankruptcy. Indeed , litigation is like being on a slippery slope ,  accelerating headlong towards  financial oblivion and long term illness . Unfortunately , once  lawyers get heavily involved in the process ,  the likelihood of one side backing down or conceding becomes a fast fading hope.

The problem of going all the way with a seemingly unresolvable dispute is that neither party ever comes away unscathed. Apart from the financial damage , there are other consequences such as the devastating emotional, physical and psychological damage , which they heap upon themselves and each other..... not to mention dozens of others caught up in the cross-fire.

In all scenarios like this each party has his/her own group of supporters. Consequently . irreparable schisms will appear that can split clubs apart. Sides will be taken , battle lines will be drawn up and hostilities between the two camps will start to escalate. 

However , what is worse..... and should never must ignored...... is the ongoing emotional , physical and psychological damage ,  which impacts not only the the two parties involved , but also their families as well. The threat , the fear , the anxiety of " going to court " with  "  costs esculating by the day " all intensify as time moves on. Moreover , since the law is such a blunt and imprecise instrument predicting outcomes can never be predicted , and so  the nagging uncertainty just adds to the  stress . Often one party pins his/her hopes on a very powerful and supportive legal precedent,  but there is always the danger that a judge might create a precedent of his own , which becomes an exception to the rule. This can be done by distinguishing the case on the facts , where one or two new material facts  can make that significant difference. In situations where there are conflicting precedents , a judge will then decide which one has the more influential bearing.  In other words , going to court is like taking part in a lottery , with no guarantee whatsoever of winning.

Often, the litigation process can run into months if not years. This means that justice may be denied or diluted because of the lengthy time delay. Effective justice needs to be immediate , for when it is delayed the victory can become very hollow indeed. 

However, the real agony comes at the court hearing itself ,  when both parties and witnesses will encounter the most harrowing experience of their lives .  Lawyers rarely  take prisoners. They of course are the only true winners, who paradoxically tell their respective clients " you appear to have a strong case ".  How can that be I ask myself ? Once inside the court room ,  under cross-examination,  optimism quickly turns into  an ordeal, where no one escapes unscathed. The parties and witnesses alike are often   " ripped apart " by these highly trained, extremely skillful , silver-tongued  assassins.

Frustration , anxiety and pressure will certainly engulf both parties , should a civil dispute goes all the way to a court hearing. So the key question now becomes whether or not the judge's decision was worth all that pain and suffering ?.

Financial costs can be economically crippling , and the psychological damage also knows no boundaries. Complex cases are of course the ultimate nightmare , especially when the dispute involves uncharted areas of the law. To embark on a legal journey where there is just a slightest whiff of pending doom has to be viewed as " utter madness ".

Even if a compromise resolution could not be sought at the beginning , then such a goal must become the priority midway through the process ,  by looking for and agreeing to ADR ( alternative dispute resolution ). To argue that mediation or arbitration is not an appropriate option flies in the face of good old common sense. What can possibly be gained from remaining stubborn or stupid.  Accepting a compromise is not  capitulation : it is making the best of a bad situation. Moreover , both parties should not be thinking about themselves , their pride and egos , but recognising the fact that a protracted law suit will severely impact on many other club and family members too. Rejecting ADR is often a choice one or both parties will inevitably come to regret.

 Indeed , with so many wise, old proverbs to fall back on ,  I would implore any party to a dispute to consider and digest the following : 

- two wrongs never make a right

- pick the lesser of two evils

- fools rush in where angels fear to tread

- cut one's coat according to one's cloth

- fool and his money are soon parted

- better to lose a saddle than a horse

  

ETHICS IN BRIDGE............ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

The word  " ethics " comes from the Greek word  " ethikos " , meaning character. Indeed , ethics have everything to do with what's " right " and " wrong ". Furthermore , ethics require  individuals to make certain choices with only their conscience to be accountable to. As bridge players we all need to refer to standards of conduct ,  which guide our decisions and behaviour towards constraining the pursuit of self-interest, especially when our actions are likely affect others in an adverse way.

However , my definition of ethics in the context of bridge is simply means  " playing  fair " and not resorting to dubious tactics , which set out to achieve an unfair or unjustified advantage over your opponents.

Therefore , to a very large extent being ethical means being honest , which in turn can be broken down into the following components :

- playing to the rules but never using or exploiting the rules to secure a favourable score

- playing to your agreed system card, never resorting to bluff bids in the form of opening psychs and  wildly off-centre deviations

- owning up to transgressions , even when opponents have nort spotted or perceived them

- switching off to comments made about hands on nearby tables , or alerting opponents to fact you have obtained unauthorized information , albeit in an innocent and inadvertant way

- having a system where all bids can be thoroughly and easily understood by your opponents

- when asked about bids always giving correct and full explanations

- refusing to take advantage of any mechanical errors made by opponents in circumstances where no damage has beeen incurred

- looking to forgive and overlook innocent transgressions committed by nervous and inexperienced opponents , again where no loss is likely to result

- playing the game in a spirit of openness and equality , always putting " sportsmanship " ahead of self-interest

Bridge , as most players would agree , is a most beautiful game , which should never be sullied by result merchants who resort to unehical tactics and behaviour in the pursuit of tops. In my view , far too many players claim to be ethical, when it is blatantly obvious they are not. This conflict of opinion simply stems from their definition of ethics falling well short of mine , which will always embrace every aspect of " honesty at the table ".  

ARE THERE PRIMA DONNAS IN YOUR CLUB ?  DR. JOHN REVEALS WHAT CHARACTER TRAITS TO LOOK OUT FOR.......

Every bridge club will have its small quota of fully blown prima donnas , plus others in the making . The reality of this scenario is that these self-appointed messiahs are destined to irritate and annoy the majority of the members , who are unable to deal with their lordly behaviour and histrionics . But what galls most people is that prima donnas have an uncanny knack of insulating themselves from any form of criticism ,  by over-reacting to even the slightest whiff of it , alleging that they are the innocent victims of inconsiderate and inappropriate threats. By cleverly courting those with power and influence within the club , they are able to obtain all the necessary protection they so desperately need. 

So what are giveaway characteristics and traits of budding prima donnas ? The following list will either confirm your own opinions or provide other invaluable insights into these ego-driven individuals.....

- prone to exaggerated self-consideration, being players who demand to be treated with special deference

- often snooty and fussy , resorting to histrionics  whenever they fail to get their own way

- temperamental and highly conceited ,  considering  themselves as virtuosos at bridge , claiming their skills and abilities are too deep, superior and special to be wasted on partnering riff-raff 

- clearly aware of their own abilities , but always making damn sure everyone else knows too

- whenever confronted by a critical observation , even when it is a generalisation , they will take it as a personal affront

- always on the lookout to make suggestions - solicited or not ( but usually the latter ) - on how to bid and play the cards

- full of dogmatic opinions on all matters relating to bridge , irrespective of the fact that their knowledge in a particular subject area may be severely limited

- even when they are forced to acknowledge a relevant point or worthy argument , they will always start the second half their response with the word " BUT... " 

- prone to leave the table (  and possibly the premises ) overs incidents perceived as unwarranted and unprovoked assaults , hoping that others will heap loads of sympathy upon them in a desperate attempt to coax them back

- demand perks and privileges beyond those of ordinary members , expecting at all times to get preferential treatment

- treat everyone in the club with contempt , as well as in contempt , save for the chosen few who they consider to be " enlightened "

- regard themselves as indispensable 

- love to rub shoulders with the club's elite, engaging in loud conversations littered with bouts of laughter and celebrity name dropping

- usually smart, but never as smart as they think they are -  clearly buried in self-delusion and denial over all their failings and shortcomings

- but too dense to register , show or display empathic feelings for others 

- prone to make life miserable for all their partners, never recognising that their style of " pointing out mistakes " is uniformly confrontational, as opposed to constructive and supportive

- display behavioural symptoms consistent with a diagnosis of either paranoia or a persecution complex

- strong tendency to ally themselves to people in the club who have both influence and power ,  but who are gullible or stupid enough to respond to their beck and call 

- possess obsessive  compulsive disorders that compels them to write in letters of complaints on every occasion , when other members have even dared to disturb , even slightly , their delicate , oh-so-fragile , highly sensitive , and grossly over-inflated egos 

    

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT DEFY DESCRIPTION..... ( Research by the now completely-lost-for-words Pun )

• That Cheating Dog Can Tune Into Anything .......Yves Dropper
• Getting Tops Gives Me So Such Pleasure.........Joy Anna D'Lyte 
• Partner , No More Limp Efforts Please...............Drew Peacock 
• Bridge Over Christmas Is My Idea Of Heaven ....Yul Tidings
• Sometimes You Just Have To Punt Slams.........Honor Whym
• He Only Partners Women Who Play Like Men....Tom Buoys
• I Can't Stand Players Who Fart At The Table......Gus O'Wynd
• Selecting Those Numpties Will Cause A Storm...Gail Warning 
• Flying Bridgemates : What On Earth Are They ?....U . F. Hose
• I Hate Players Who Give You The Hard Stare.......Eve L. Hyde