SLOW PLAYERS DESERVE ALL THE SARCASM THEY GET........ ( Article by Carp )

A slow player can eat away at your patience and nerves like no one else . The waiting , the endless waiting , for a bid or a card to be played is no different to a death by a thousand cuts. You want to scream . You want to off load all your frustration and anger. You want to strike out. But how ?
Well , might I suggest the use of a few sarcastic put downs .......like these little treasures I have used over the years for dramatic and devastating effect.........before you start dreaming up some gems of your own. These put downs might not solve the problem , but as sure as God made little green apples ,  they really do help you feel so much better. 
- Don't rush mate....I wouldn't want you to overlook all the other possible permutations of what could happen next
- Excuse me , but I have a hospital appointment in 3 days time
- Director.... correct me if I'm wrong , but I  do believe this man's  brain has stopped working
- Sir , either you are a time traveller who has made time stand still for yourself....or  one who has propelled the rest of us 10 minutes into the future
- If it is true that time does fly by when you're really enjoying yourself , then you my friend must be experiencing absolute ecstasy 
- So tell me truthfully .....are you from another planet , where your " seconds " equate to our " minutes " ?
- I don't know it is possible for you to play a card any slower , but knowing your track record I'm sure you're going to give it a damn good try
- If my bridge brain can be likened to a computer, then yours sir would be best described as an abacus
- Don't tell me....you're finding it a problem following suit with a singleton ?
- Director...director....this man has gone into the tank...... and the poor sod's drowning in his own ineptitude and ignorance
- Excuse my partner ,  but he reckoned by the time you get round to making your next bid , he could use half of that to fully service my car 
- This table has 20 minutes to play these 3 boards.....so would 18 minutes be alright for your allocated time share.....or is that not enough ?
- How is it you're the only player in the room who has never heard of , or understood , the principle of preparedness ? 
- Oh, you 've finally made a decision.....but are you sure it's the right one......wouldn't it be a wise and prudent step to take another 10 minutes to re-evaluate it ?
- I wonder sir if your ability to masturbate your way to an orgasm takes as long as your last bid ? .......I  sincerely hope not....... for the sake  of your wrist