LAW REPORTS:

• CARDINALS BC LADIES v CARDINALS BC (2009)
• MRS. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHERS ) v CARDINALS BC (2009)

These two unusual cases were brought before Sir Les B. Avenue in the High Court. In both actions the plaintiffs were seeking compensation for injured feelings and rejection, which stemmed from the club chairman's 2004 decision ( who at the time was the man himself Bigot-Johnson ) to run most of the cup competitions on bank holidays. However, each case was presented on a different point of law, as the two following judgements reveal.

" The first plaintiffs, the bridge club's ladies, rightly claimed that for several years they have been the victims of sex discrimination. By continuing to hold many of its competitions on bank holidays the club had clearly disadvantaged these ladies. An expert witness, none other than a dear old colleague and friend of mine......Dr. John .....who I might add is now one of the country's leading authorities on the male and female psyche, proved to this court that men have far fewer scruples than women. That said, it was no surprise to be told that men have fewer problems or qualms about going absent without leave to play bridge on these hallowed family occasions. Accepting the argument that the CBC ladies possessed a different set of priorities, which naturally placed family commitments first, then it was never possible for them to (a) even consider playing bridge on bank holidays, and (b) let alone do so. Therefore, I can only arrive at the inescapable conclusion that the club's unfair scheduling did indeed exclude women, more so than men, from participating in many of its competitions. Damages of £500 will be awarded to each of the plaintiffs."

"As for the second set of litigants, headed by the long-suffering wife of the club's immovable and intransigent chairman, I see yet another group who have suffered loss and pain from the club's insensitive policy of running competitions on bank holidays. The evidence clearly indicated that the club's male members were forever sloping off to play in these events, deserting and abandoning their wives, partners and families in the process. The chairman himself was a serial offender. Indeed, I was left speechless by the stories of his selfish and heartless behaviour. The plaintiffs' claim for compensation was sensibly based on neglect, for which the CBC must be held vicariously liable for the actions of these deserters, who were always likely to place bridge at the top of their priorities. Indeed, there appears to be a precedent to support this view : in a commonwealth case of Don Trodden v Flamingo BC (1976) the club was deemed vicariously liable to family members, when a player , who was mercilessly harangued by his partner, went home in a troubled state of mind. He then set fire not only to himself, but also the family home. The club was rightly held liable for failing to intervene and stop the haranguing, since it failed to discipline the perpetrator on that night in question despite the several opportunities that arose. Justice demands that bridge clubs must be accountable for the tortious actions of their members, especially if such actions fall within the definition of being within the control of the club. In my view, the club owed a duty of care to Mrs. Bigot-Johnson to enjoy her Bank holidays with all members of her family present......including the incorrigible Bigot himself. This duty was broken time and time again whenever a bank holiday competition inveigled her husband away. All the plaintiffs were victims of neglectful behaviour, which the club was responsible for. The duty of care could have been carried out so easily, if the club had chosen to keep club competitions and bank holidays apart. Therefore I award £500 to each of the plaintiffs.........................and as for that dreadful husband of hers........ who just shouted "bugger" from the galleries......please have him arrested for contempt of court."

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.......................................

• Dear Rebecca, If you had been dealt a 14 point 5-2-1-5 hand, where both black suits were headed by AK, which suit would you open first ? There doesn't seem to be a consensus of expert opinion on this question. Looking to you for divine guidance, Angel D. Light
• Dear Angel, Using the far superior Zar method for hand evaluation, you would have around 35 zars (21+10+4 ). This would be in my book a powerful reversing hand. Assuming partner has an equal share of the remaing 26 HCP's, his zar total ( even with a flatish hand ) could easily hit the 17 mark . And all you need for game is a combined total of 52 zars. So open 1C and be prepared to do a jump bid in spades. If partner comes up with something in his mitt, such as a couple of decent honour cards, plus 3 card spade support, there must be an excellent play for 4 spades. If other so-called experts say different, ignore them completely. Yours always in the know, Rebecca
• Dear Rebecca, Many of my bridge friends have waxed lyrical about your highly recommended bridge books. So would you please recommend one which might help me to develop a real competitive edge and killer instinct. Yours aiming to be one of the big boys, Ivor Biggen
• Dear Ivor, Yes, I have produced quite a few classics in my time, but there is a book which could be exactly what you are looking for. This has only just been in the shops for about a month, and it was written by a very obliging friend of mine, Roger Enstick. Entitled " Shafting Your Opponents Good And Proper ", you should find this book a real godsend. Yours always in the know, Rebecca

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...............................................

• Howell : a loud cry of anguish made by a player who after winning the toss for a sitting seat, then finds out the movement card makes his table an all-moving one
• Fit : something that players regularly throw ( alongwith their cards ) when either results go from bad to worse, or when partners' mistakes become unforgiveable
• Misfit : a situation where you have a super fit with one of your opponents! It was recently reported that a player from Bristol BC elected to play in 7S holding a rather tasty AKQJ1087 in that suit, only to find his LHO opponent holding the other six spades to the 9.
• Rabbit : an extremely apt name given to a player that displays the following characteristics: (a) freezes up with fear when put under the spot-light (b) forever jumps about in the bidding without purpose or direction (c) spends too much time rabbiting on instead of listening to sound advice
• Game : what sex-seeking players in particular strive for with regards to winning a rubber. Then, after getting a rubber, what characteristic they hope to find in one of their next few partners
• Take-out : an instruction you would give to a hit-man with regards to your partner, who has failed on several occasions to recognise your doubles were simply showing the other unbid suits.....and not penalty ones, which were foolishly left in
• Contract : (see take-out) a term given to arrangement between a highly disgruntled bridge player and a professional hit-man
• Open up a suit : a highly undesirable practice undertaken by male bridge players often during the play of a hand. This may involve undoing a few buttons or zips. It was once reported that an australian bridge player from Perth ( a cattle farmer by trade) opened up his suit, whereupon his female partner stood up and boldly claimed " when somebody has to take the initiative and get active, there are no flies on him".

JOHNNY SUPREMO'S MASTERCLASS.......... I am really that good...or is it that other players are really that poor? Why just the other day I brought home a slam expecting a 50% board when lo and behold it was a near top. Bridge scores never cease to amaze me. Partner and I bid to a comfortable 6 spades, and on the opening club queen lead, he displayed the following dummy hand: ...J10963....AJ109.....A74.....7 This was perfect opposite my 15 point and very pleasing: AKQ754......2......Q105......A53

• It seemed evident to me that most declarers had setted for 3 spades,1 club, 2 club ruffs, 1 Heart, and 3 heart ruffs, pinning all their hopes on making the right guess in diamonds to secure the 2 more tricks they required. The Ace of diamonds was played first in dummy, before the attempted finesse with the 10....which, in my view, deservedly lost to West's jack. East sat eagerly waiting the diamond return to his king. One off.
• Other declarers after drawing one round of trumps correctly eliminated both hearts and clubs before testing diamonds. But instead of playing the Ace of diamonds first, he confidently played across to the Q10, and when East played low, the 10 was called for. This could well have fetched the king, and if West held both diamond honours he was effectively end-played. No such luck. One off.
• As for me, I was looking at hearts as a potential source of tricks on which to ditch my diamonds. Given the fact that West had not led a heart, there was a strong inference he/she held one of the missing honours....but not both. Believing this, I drew the outstanding trump, played the heart Ace, followed by the jack. If East goes up with his heart honour, I ruff, and get back across to dummy with a club ruff. Now the 10 of hearts is played on which one diamond is discarded. It matters not if I lose this trick to the outstanding heart honour, the Ace of diamonds is still there to cope with the automatic diamond return.......leaving my 4th heart in dummy to provide a second diamond discard. Slam made. ( Even if East decides not to cover the jack of hearts, allowing West to win the trick, a diamond loser is immediately discarded, leaving a ruffing finesse position against East on the next two rounds of hearts.)

So 6 spades was made without ever being put to the test of guessing diamonds. My line of play even works if East holds both heart honours. Indeed, good declarer play is not about putting your faith in lady luck and inspired guesswork, it's much more to with finding better percentage lines of play that only back luck can defeat.

THE WORLD'S SHORTIST LISTS .....................................By Carp

( Applicable to any bridge club up and down the country )

• Members who do not suffer from rather disturbing psychological disorders
• Slow players who after repeated warnings have since moved up a gear
• Members under the age of 40
• Tournament Directors who have left a table with everyone happy
• Long standing members who with genuine modesty still see themselves as non-experts
• New members (2008-9)
• Members who regularly turn up to AGMs
• Memnbers who actually turned up to the last AGM
• Top players willing to play with ( and help bring on ) relative newcomers to the game
• Members who don't begrudge a 50p increase in table money
• Members who first acknowledge their mistakes before laying blame on partner
• Players whose goodwill ( and generous spirit ) matches their competitive zeal
• Members who are prepared to come out of self denial and acknowledge their psychological disorders
• Members who don't keep lists....... regarding other members' misdemeanours
• Players who as self-appointed experts actually practice what they preach
• Bridge bullies who have been properly brought to account and reprimanded
• Female members who have broken into the club's male-dominated elite of top team players

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES................................................................. In most bridge clubs the old adage that birds of a feather flock together certainly holds true. Players gravitate towards those they identify with most, usually people they feel most comfortable with.......people similar to themselves. However, there is one particular affliction that is only associated with the club's high profile celebrities, who belong to the upper echelons of top class players. KLEEKEEMIA is a rather disturbing condition in that every individual within this afflicted group develops a compulsive desire to seek out ( and form partnerships ) only with fellow suffers.It is exceedingly rare to see any player with kleekeemic symptoms looking to find a partner from the infinitely less able majority. Realising that good results continue to accummulate by sticking with the same people, the condition is exacerbated even more dramatically. This makes corrective therapy virtually impossible. Spotting victims of kleekeemia is all too easy, as they are often seen huddled together laughing and boasting about their tops, near tops and above average scores.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT REALLY TAKE SOME READING...........................( By Pun )

• Do Scots Take Their Bridge Seriously ?...................Fanny A. Boot
• Sucking Up To Bridge Celebrities............................R. Slicker
• Getting Close To Bidding Perfection........................Neil Lee Wright
• Pinpoint Precision Bidding..................................... Dudley Sharpe
• What...You Intend To Give Bridge Up ?....................Yul B. Back
• Mentoring System For Beginners............................Buddy Liszt
• Bridge Clubs Need To Advertise More......................Bill Posters
• Declarer Play At Its Best........................................Trixie Maid
• Leading Opponents Astray......................................Honey Trap
• Giving Opponents The Evil Eye................................Leah Ring

TABLE-SPEAK REVISITED................................................( By Carp) What is the true meaning hidden behind the smokescreen of softer comforting words? Bridge players by and large like to call a spade "a spade", but honesty has to make way for promoting harmony and respect of others. Indeed, blunt honesty might well breach club rules on acceptable, zero-tolerance behaviour. So naturally subtle sarcasm and euphemisms prevail, and therefore it comes as no surprise when hapless partners are on the receiving end of these comments. For behind these well chosen words, expect more sinister messages to be lurking...................

• " You nearly made it "......." Your inept play beggars belief "
• " Thanks partner, I enjoyed it "..... " I enjoyed it only because I'm a masochist "
• " You're not as bad as you think "...... " You are far far worse "
• " Well done ".........." Thank God for duff opponents "
• " Strange opening lead that ? "...." The only bloody lead to give them the contract "
• " I didn't expect a top here "...." Playing with you, any top is out of the question "
• " Nasty trump break you got "...." A simple safety play was all that was needed "
• " Generous of you to praise the defence "......" These defenders were jerks, but you made them look good "
• " Thanks for pointing out my one mistake "...." Why not focus instead on the 3 or 4 you make on each board "
• " Shame you didn't hold onto your clubs "......." They made that slam because you can't count "

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY................................................

• Partner : someone who took up bridge to make your life miserable
• Small Slam : the noise made by a player after a disastrous evening's bridge, as he/she leaves the club by the front door
• Grand Slam : this involves the front door thrown back with so much force, the noise is accompanied by the sound of shattering glass
• 'A' Team : the club's premier players, whose personalities and gung-ho bridge tactics resemble those of the characters in the TV series of the same name
• 'B' Team : players whose occasional flights of fancy cost them 'A' team status, but they still possess the ability to sting most opponents
• Vienna Coup : a term first coined in 1954 when the Austrian capital hosted the World Bridge Teams finals. Using an extremely clever ploy, a frisky young American player managed to get off with a well known lady international, from right under the nose of her husband and bridge partner.
• Elvis Presley Coup : this involves an unusual play of the cards, which requires a player to keep ' The King ' alive for as long as possible
• Patience : a quality that most bridge players have in short supply. The reason for this unfortunate shortcoming was explained very simply by Howard Bigot-Johnson : " Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last him all his life, how can he possibly afford to waste it on bridge partners ? ".

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE DOPELER EFFECT I have always been fascinating by players who tend to rush into things, whether it be in their bidding, opening leads or play of the cards. These instinctive, compulsive, speed merchant players are in my view all victims of the DOPELER EFFECT. The definition is quoted " as a tendency to make stupid mistakes, when rushing". However, with bridge players it is the tendency to believe that ideas that come to you rapidly must be smart, when in actual fact they are completely stupid. So by believing these absurd ideas to be "smart" immediately before they are said or put into practice, others feel compelled to brand such players as "complete idiots". Nothing seems to shake their belief that their gut instinct visions, and sudden flashes of inspiation, are nothing short of brilliant. Sadly, there are pressures put upon players to bid and play each set of boards within a certain time, and so the perfect conditions are created for the dopeler effect to take hold on these highly susceptible players. Victims prone to this condition quickly develop a habit of coming up with more and more instant smart ideas. However, as each successive one becomes even more ludicrous and costly, the dopeler effect rather perversely gets much stronger ! All victims, it seems, strongly believe in the law of averages, which suggest to them that the next batch of instinctive visionary ideas really will be smart..............and so the dopeler effect becomes an established vicious circle which can never be broken.

TABLE-SPEAK: THE TRUTH REVEALED....................( First of a series of articles by Carp ) The majority of bridge players are renown for two things. Firstly, their willingness to abide by the well established code of conduct which prohibits rudeness, unpleasant behaviour and foul-mouthed abusive comments. Secondly, their ability to scale the heights of sarcasm, which results in polite euphemisms cleverly masking the veiled insults that lurk beneath. Politeness it seems take precedence over honesty. Partners' mistakes, which clearly warrant some form of rebuke, will be either politely overlooked, or dismissed as minor aberrations. In some cases voiced criticisms are concealed within sarcastic compliments. This curious absurdity enables bridge evenings to run smoothly along without explosive incidents and verbal slanging matches. So let's look into the world of bridge euphemisms, which are part and parcel of good table manners and etiquette.............but at the same time expose the real meaning behind those well chosen words and cliches.

• What is said.......................................What is really meant
• " Perfect " (as dummy goes down)........." That's not what you promised "
• " Well played"........" At long last you have got us an average"
• " Good try, partner"....... " The contract was cold "
• " No need to apologise"........" This will be the last time you'll ever partner me"
• " A little timid there, partner "....." If you underbid like that again, you're a dead man "
• " Did you miss my heart bid "....." What on earth do I have to do to get you to lead my suit "
• " Unlucky to go off there, partner"......." Must you keep giving opponents gifts, you fool"
• " Cleverly executed end play, partner "....." Amazing how the defence managed to end play themselves "
• " You're always playing the contracts "....." I loathe people who hog the bidding "
• " Quite an imaginative bid there, partner "...." You are completely off your head "

JOHNNY SUPREMO'S MASTERCLASS............................................................. Declarers, who can steer home almost impossible contracts, tend to have that ability to envisage and engineer the play of those crucial last few tricks.....and how that all important and elusive trick may yet be won. Apart from myself only two other declarers steered home 3NT in a field of over one hundred pairs, many of whom also ended up in this rather pushy game. Eight tricks seemed the maximum, and with 3 tricks to play for, seven were in the bag with the opponents taking the other three. In dummy, I had the spade queen (opposite my 96), the heart 10 and the diamond 10. My other card was a losing 6 of clubs. West held 3 jacks in spades, hearts and diamonds, while East held the boss club and two spades to the 85. Things so far had all gone according to plan. All I had to do was engineer two tricks from the remaining three. The solution I had envisaged was an attempted squeeze on West, followed by an unblocking by me in dummy, and end playing East in the process. So I played my losing club for East to take. West was theroretically squeezed having to keep both red jacks, and so he naturally parted with his jack of spades. Now came the winning play when I unblocked the queen of spades from dummy. East was fixed having to play from the 85 of spades right underneath my 96. Game over.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THE CONNOISSEURS............. ( By Pun )

• If The TD Asks, Just Repeat My Story................................Lilac A. Trooper
• My View On Whether Bridge Is A Sport ?...........................Lou D. Cross
• Champagne Bridge...........................................................Jerry Boam
• Redoubles: Only Use Them As SOS..................................May Day
• The Joy Of Computer Hand Print-outs.................................Dot Matrix
• Dodgy Contracts That Need A Second Look.......................Hayden Claus
• Tate Gallery's Photo Collection Of Bridge Celebrities ..........Murial Hart
• Nasty Outcome As Bridge Titans Cross Swords.................Drew Blood
• Bitter Rivals Cross Swords Again.......................................Andrew Moore-Blood
• Thorny Bridge Problems.....................................................Rose Bush

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES........................................................................... Bridge players have provided psycho-analysts with an endless stream of material on which to write articles, research papers, and books. The countless disorders and afflictions that bridge players seemingly suffer from have provided so much work for these highly skilled head-shrinkers, not to mention a lucrative living from therapy sessions they offer this cursed and beleaguered group. When poor unfortunate bridge-playing clients walk into my therapy room, my heart is often overwhelmed with pity and sadness......but then stoical professionalism takes over. Where would my bank balance be without them. However, the most awkward cases involve those who have fallen prey to a psychological disorder known as MUTAS IGNORAMIA. In a non-bridge world, a person with a hearing loss, who elects to communicate by gestures and/or signing, would be cruelly labelled as deaf-mute. And because this handicap was real, criticisms about their inability to understand and receive mesages were both unfounded and out of order. However, in the cut and thrust environment of bridge clubs, victims of this particular disorder also display "uncommunicative traits"........despite having no hearing loss or speech problems whatsoever. No matter how hard other players ( usually their next opponents ) try to engage them in friendly conversation, their efforts are always in vain. Sufferers seem oblivious to the standards of politeness expected of them. Their display of sullen silences and dismissive grunts can only be classified as ignorant behaviour and unacceptable rudeness. This disorder often turns its victims into pariahs within their own club. Extensive research has been carried out linking the condition to a morbid reaction to incurring poor scores on successive boards, whereupon dark clouds of depression suddenly sweep down to completely overwhelm them. Some psycho-analysts believe that most victims are born with a genetic predisposition to behave this way, which is then nurtured and brought on by exposure to other forms of unpleasant behaviour displayed by others in this highly competitive world of bridge.

• ADVERTISING FEATURE .......Bridge Affective Disorder ( B.A.D. )
• Let's face it THIS IS your biggest problem......but help is at hand to solve it for once and for all
• Week after week, whatever you try at the table goes horribly wrong: your leads are a mess, finesses all go awry, trumps held by the defending opponents are 4-1 or worse, and towards the end of the session you are desperate to get away !
• Do you suspect that you have upset the Bridge Gods somehow, without intending to do so ? Do you feel persecuted by all the "slings and arrows" that come your way ? Are you gutted by the fact that Lady Luck has turned her back on you, being the capricious and unpredictable woman she is ? Do you believe that taking control of your bridge destiny is beyond your powers ? If the answers are "yes".....then don't despair. Now is the time for change......now is the time to bring about those changes you crave for at the bridge table. You have to believe in the power of positive thinking.....yes, it really is possible to avoid repeated failures through a change of mindset. So I suspect at this moment in time, you're wondering " how can this be achieved ?"
• Well I, Dr. Sigmund T. Shuckelgruber, have the answer: just sign up for my retro electrical stimulation therapy (REST).....which I can assure you will rescue and save your bridge. Using highly sophisticated stereotactic techniques at the cutting edge of 21st century psychotherapy, I am able to stimulate artificially the release of seratonin. This brings about a change in your mood hormones, making you feel good about yourself, confident, and in control. This works in the same way as sunlight helps to prevent SAD.
• As potential guinea-pigs for this ground breaking free-of-charge non-invasive treatment, all that is required is your signature on my indemnity form, which exempts me fully from any liability resulting from addiction, injuries received from being overly-cocky and arrogant ....not to mention the dangers you may pose to society having adopted a megalomaniac personality.
• If interested please contact me through this e-mail address: immadas ah @ ter. com

BRIDGING THAT GAP..............................................( Article by Pun ) Have you ever wondered why others get what they want out of bridge.....be it glory, fame, silverware, prize money, adrenalin rushes, county selection, opportunities to indulge in sadistic pleasures....while you remain just one of faceless majority who make up the numbers ? Well, stop wondering because it doesn't have to stay this way. That gap can be bridged. All you need to do is purchase and read this full set of my highly acclaimed, very instructive bridge books.......which I might add have already catapulted dozens of mediocre riff raff like yourselves into the upper echolons of your club's top ranking players. The total all-inclusive-cost plus packaging is a very modest.£100, and the titles include:

• Set your club alight by your striking match play
• Don't monkey around, get swinging, and send your opponents bananas
• Getting to the bottom of bidding theory is the only way to the top
• Wrong thinking can be right when opponents' cards are rightly in the wrong place
• Needle your opponents with pinpoint bidding and signalling
• Branch out, stick those bids in, and twig what your opponents are up to
• Socket to your opponents with light openers and clever switches
• Punitive doubles, and wild punts, to leave opponents punch-drunk and pundits raving
• Table success is down to smart cue-bidding, favourable breaks, and pot luck

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.........................One condition that has affected countless bridge players over time can only be described as a suicidal form of madness. Labelled the ANNE BOLEYN SYNDROME, it was first diagnosed in Tudor times, when bridge first surfaced as a game fit for kings and queens. Victims of this syndrome had a bizarre tendency to stick their necks out, despite the obvious risks involved.....such as "getting the chop". They would make such outrageous and ludicrous over-bids, the opponents were left with no other option but to weild the axe. Indeed, these ridiculous bids could only be attributed to madness. The minds of these poor afflicted souls had completely gone. In a nutshell, these lunatic bidders could be described as totally deranged, utterly insane, completely nuts, stark-raving bonkers, out-of-their-tree, off-their trolley, well and truly doo-lally.....living on another planet or gar-gar land. Anne Boleyn's bids bids had cost her partner, King Henry, several thousands in penalty points. Eventually, she had stuck her neck out once too often......and once too far. Tragically for her, the opponents had kept muttering under their breath "she's off her head"......."she's off her head"....... but Henry, who was hard of hearing, registered these words as " off with her head". Welcoming such advice, he rose from his chair to summon the guards to take his demented partner away for the axeman to do his work. Yet despite the well documented account of why poor Anne Boleyn was sentenced to death, bridge players even today continue to behave in the same appalling way. The syndrome it seems completely blinds them to the risks of incurring partners' wrath........replacing logic and reasoning with delusion and absurdity.

BIGOT-JOHNSON HERE: IS THE EBU PROMOTIONS LADDER A TOTAL NONSENSE OR WHAT ?.....................

As I have already said in one of my earlier posts, moving up through the EBU master point promotions means only one thing: putting your hands in your pocket and shelling out some serious money. Really good players have no such problem. By instinctively gravitating towards one another, they quickly form themselves into formidable pairs and teams. For them reaching the summit of grandmasterdom takes no time at all. But what about all the other good players who found themselves marooned with no-hopers ? Whatever rung they may be stuck on will certainly under-reflect the level of ability and skill they possess. The whole system is flawed for a multitude of reasons, but the fact that promotions are effectively achieved through high level attendance rather than top ten finishes ....for me....really takes the biscuit. So what is my solution to this thorny problem of player ratings? Self-assessment of course. We all know deep down how good or bad we are. We all know who we can beat and who we can't on a regular basis. We all know where are likely to come, in club or outside events, and whether we are carrying others, or whether others are carrying us. So let's be honest and attach a rating to ourselves, which should if accurate meet with the nodding approval of those around us. So allow me to put forward the following list of descriptors merely as suggestions. However, if you feel none of them seem apt or appropriate at defining your status as a player, then the onus is on you to find your own:

• Band 1: grand wizard, genius, wizard, magician, mega star, devil-to-play-against, giant, gifted and experienced
• Band 2: damn clever, too damn clever-by-half, annoyingly good, gifted but with a bit more to learn, nifty, slick, awkward customer, really good when sober
• Band 3: solid, wildly variable, flashy on occasions, not to be under-estimated, good on a good day, capable of bunny-bashing, fading star
• Band 4: variable, steady, could be good but lacking discipline, loose cannon, has potential but no ambition or commitment, on the way up
• Band 5: lunatic, complete lunatic, totally unconcerned, average isn't the word, wooden-top, far too erratic, error prone, limitations outweigh strengths
• Band 6: beginner, complete beginner, clueless, hopelesssly clueless bumbledogs, not wanting to learn, memory like a sieve, only there to make the numbers up

And which label would I attach to myself ?...............Possibly, too damn clever for my own good... with a touch of the loose cannon. For as you well know, I am one of those destined to be the victim of the dark forces that constantly conspire against me, where it has been decreed that clueless bumbledogs are to be my nemisis.

BRIDGE BOOKS AS RECOMMENDED BY THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE CLUB .........( Sent to Pun from the Man-down-under )

• Bridge Makes My head Spin..................................Dizzy Terns
• What Did We Score On Those Last Few Boards?... Zia Rose
• Bridge Will Be The Death Of Me.............................Paul Bearers
• Why Is My Bridge So Unreliable ?..........................Ricky Tee
• Bigot-Johnson At His Explosive Best......................Dinah Mite
• At The Table, Miracles Can Happen........................Lloyd D. Lord
• Roof Caves In On Tournament Favourites................Joyce Messin
• Why Playing Away Is Much More Fun....................Joe Lee Boyes-Outing
• Fireworks At The Bermuda Bowl............................Catherine Wheel
• How To Lead Your Opponents A Merry Dance.........Gay Gordon

WHAT DO BRIDGE COMMITTEE MEMBERS AND A PACK OF CARDS HAVE IN COMMON ? ............( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

• Aces : there are always a few who think they're number one
• Kings: those who hold court and occupy the important seats of office
• Queens : the token minority of gays, only there to back up their associates
• Jacks : the bolshy males who like to be known as "the lads"
• Tens : members with no position of power but still highly valued
• Nines : the best dressed individuals ( done up to the 9's....)
• Eights: those who believe it's right for everyone to pull together.....like oarsmen
• Sixes and Sevens : members who are out of their depth, hopelessly lost......at 6's and 7's
• Fives : those who find it hard to sustain concentration, prone to taking the occasional nap
• Fours : the grovellers, who tend to get down on all 4's
• Twos and Threes : members who make up the numbers but make no impact or contibution whatsoever