LAW REPORT : BAWTRY DISTRICT COUNCIL v. BIGOT-JOHNSON  ( 2013 )

Having dug a even bigger hole than before it came as no surprise when, after a vain attempt to refill it,  a huge mountain of soil was still left over. This monstrous and massive eyesore to the all those who lived nearby caused the council officers to investigate. Clearly, Bigot as chairman of the club had failed to apply for, and obtain, planning permission for this kind of excavation work. The council felt it had no option other than to bring charges against him for statutory offences listed under The Town and Country Planning Act. Bigot of course elected to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Judge ( J ) : Will someone tell me in a nutshell what this case is all about ? I'm in a bit of a rush today.....
Prosecutor ( P ) : All manner of charges really....... culminating from this madman's insane desire to dig a massive big hole outside his club
J : Why did he do that ?
P : I've no bloody idea....but it could be down to the fact his brain is so full of holes he doesn't understand what he is doing
J : Well, it does seem to me that Bigot-Johnson is in a right hole here with so much weight of evidence against him
P : Yes, getting all this soil in the courtroom required four lorries, six men and eighteen hours of labour intensive work. 
J : Yes...as evidence exhibit A it's quite impressive
B-J : I object to all this dirt being heaped on me ....the prosecution's tactics in my view have hit rock bottom.........it may seem to you that I've dug a hole for myself....but I do have one or two magical defences up my sleeve
J : I very much suspect Bigot whatever flimsy defence you come up with,  the prosecution will no doubt endeavour to pick holes in them 
B-J : Ah...but I still have my Ace in the hole...
P : Must we continue with all these silly " hole " references ? 
J : Excuse me.....but I'm having fun here......
B-J : Yes.....tell him to shut his cake-hole
J : Oh please tell the court what is this Ace in the hole ?
B-J : A card .....
J : Interesting....enlighten us more
B-J : Well, I picked it up down at my local watering hole when playing a game of monopoly
J : What card was it ?
B-J : A Get-Out-Of-Jail card......
J : Well, that carries no currency here.....I'm afraid
B-J : Bugger...
P : Excuse me.....but can we get on with the issues of law and establishing this defendant's guilt
J : You sir are beginning to annoy me........ you're like a square peg in a round hole
B-J : The man's an arsehole....
J : I agree.....case dismissed
P : You can't do that !
J : I just did......and before you go Bigot......... don't forget our little arrangement  
B-J : Oh yes.....I'll go straight to the hole-in-the-wall and bring you the dosh......which no doubt will burn a filthy big hole in your pocket...
J : Holy moly......that sounds wonderful

SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
LADIES
CELEBRATE
THEIR TEAMS
TROPHY WIN
WITH A
CRACKING
GOOD BREW
............
............
............
After much haggling Bigot-Johnson finally persuaded some of his senior hard nosed members to enter a team in a regional ladies-only event. By offering them, as a post-match reward, the finest brew at the Stickett Upham Inn near Bawtry, the ladies eventually agreed to play.
Bigot  the non-playing captain said afterwards " I decided fresh new faces were needed to pull off this blistering win......I needed players who were all capable of producing that little bit of table magic.... conjuring up tricks from nowhere.....and putting in spellbinding performances. They relied upon helluva lot of bidding, and most of their fancy concocted bids pulled in  tremendous scores. The fact that many of their opponents were incensed by their sinister looking apparel shows what bad losers they were. Black, of course,  has always been the club colour, and each team member is a strong believer " in keeping something under one's hat ".

BIGOT CALLS ON DR. JOHN...............

" Doctor......I've been having such terrible dreams again "
" Enlighten me......"
" Well, I find myself in a bridge room where players I've never seen before all seem very familiar to me.... "
" And what is this place ? "
" I don't know.....it is a figment of my over active imagination......but what is apparent is that they all seem to have little horns protruding from the tops of their heads ! "
" Hmm....interesting......and how did you get on with these strange but familiar people ? "
" Oh.....that just it......Everything they said or did infuriated and disgusted me .....their manners, their habits, their arrogance, their insincere way of speaking, their scowling, vengeful expressions......but what really concerned me most was my uncanny ability to read all their thoughts and feelings.... their shameful secrets......and countless guilt trips they were valiantly trying to avoid "
" Amazing......"
" So tell me Doctor.....what does it all mean ? "
" Well, Bigot.....it could be that you have had a dream-like vision of what hell means for you ...... which comes to us all when we accept that death may not be too far away....because only then do we allow our feelings of guilt and shame to overwhelm our subconscious thoughts "
" Oh....."
" In fact, this personal hell of yours....is like being in a room of walking talking mirrors, where every player simply reflects one of your many alter egos. Everyone in that room is  in fact a doppelganger of one of your inner selves......which means for the first time you have developed a sense of self-awareness as opposed to self-delusion.... " 
" Oh ...." 
" So Bigot.....this is your hell..........having to play with and against clones of yourself........not a pleasant prospect for anyone is it ? "
" Can things get any worse ? "
" Oh, indeed they can...... for a starters what's owing on your account with me now runs into five figures "
" Bugger....."

BRIDGE BOOKS EVERY DECENT PLAYER SHOULD OWN......( Says Pun )

• Our System Partner Needs To Be Simplified.......Baxter Basicks
• Yes I Do Belong To A Gay Bridge Club.................Ivor Brownring
• This Club Has A Strict Zero Tolerance Policy.......Bess B. Goode
• Bridge To Me Is Like A Drug...................................Marie Warner
• Partner, Am I Hallucinating Or What ?....................L. S. Dee
• Players Who Always Rise To The Occasion.........Percy Dickman & John Thomas
• I'm Sure Our Captain Will Save The Day...............Willy L. Aslike
• What Bridge Players Fear The Most......................Louise N. Streak
• Some Bottoms Are Too Horrible To Contemplate.....Dan Gleebits
• If Opponents Upset Me, I Say " Sod'em "..............Ann Gomorrah
• At Long Last He Got Her To Play Away.................Didi Screwer
• She Was Unaware Her Partner Was Gay..............Tilly Toldar 

PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS ON BRIDGE.......By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi

• Playing bridge is a clever man's instinct to stave off death
• What produces a good bridge player is simply the presence of a good mind
• Psychs are just a lot of lies, and players who regularly make psychs their business are nothing more than cheats
• It is always disappointing to see that what I have achieved in terms of mastering this damn game of bridge has boiled down to so little  
• The true value of bridge comes from the realisation it is the only game that comes anywhere close to divine perfection 
• Should one follow the advice and guidance of others ? Not necessarily so because when one looks at the greatest bridge players of all time one discovers that they all possessed individual minds of their own.  
• The ugliest aspect of this great game is when really good bridge players sell themselves. This makes them nothing more than a commodity, to be purchased by individuals who see money as the only means by which they can acquire success. 
• Bridge players often come across as a contradiction. One view is that " Oh, it is a great feeling to spend so much time playing such a wonderful and fascinating game ". And the other view is " I must be crazy to devote so much time to a game that causes me so much frustration and pain ".
• Bridge is a mystery wrapped up in enigmas and complex puzzles, which even for the most gifted players have yet to unravel
• Intuition and instinct are the indispensable qualities of an expert  bridge player, but sadly these are hard to come by. The hard truth is that either they are there......or not. Such qualities can never be developed : they are a gift from God.     

BIGOT-JOHNSON  v.  BROADMOOR HOSPITAL  ( MENTAL HEALTH REVIEW TRIBUNAL )  2013 

( Bigot-Johnson , having been forcibly detained under Section 2 of The Health Act for being  completely  " off his head ",  immediately initiated a challenge against the doctor's decision. Claiming his detention was both wrongful and unjustified, he set out to prove that he was a sane and sensible human being. Naturally, Bigot elected to represent himself despite alarmist advice to the contrary. ) 

Chairman of the panel ( CP) : Bigot, you have been sectioned.....quite rightly in our opinion  .....for being insane.......barking mad......out of your tree......off your trolley........totally deranged.
B-J : I object......I am as sane as the next man
Chairman : We disagree........why your behaviour as chairman of the Slaughter House BC beggars belief. Over these twelve months you have completely mismanaged the club's assets to such an extent........ that the club is on the verge of bankruptcy. One can only describe the financial decisions you made as " acts of sheer lunacy " 
B-J : Rubbish !
CP : Take for instance your decision to remove the club roof at a cost of £20,000......
B-J : Ah... that seemed at the time a sensible and rational thing to do. As you may well know....by taking a roof off a building this exempts the property from paying any council tax/rates whatsoever. This decision was going to save the club £2000 over the year.
CP : Yes....but then you had the roof replaced 6 months later........ at a cost of £45,000 !
B-J : But that was to stop the endless whinging and whining of those pathetic members who didn't like playing their bridge by moonlight.... or in the chill of the night air. 
Panelist : .....Or when they were drenched or snowed upon !
CP : But then of course you turned to log burning fires for heat, using sheet after sheet of paper money to set the logs alight.
B-J : Yes...the club had plenty of money to burn.....and so I thought why not . Banks charge you the earth for handling money.
CP : Well,  we know that £60,000 of club money disappeared up in smoke...... when fire-lighters would have seemed a much more cost-effective option at around £3.50 a packet.
B-J : Ah, but you're forgetting how much I managed to save the club on gas and electricity  bills.....around £150 a month....at least
CP : Bigot.....you are truly incorrigible.......so please explain to the panel why you decided to cancel the club's property and contents insurance ?
B-J : It was always money going out for no apparent benefit. In 20 years the club only once put in a claim......and that was rejected as falling outside the terms of the policy
CP : Yes....that was the case, but then one of your log fires got out of control and set the building alight. The fire was so intense it took three fire engines to get it under control. And with no insurance cover the club had to stump up £80,000 for rebuilding and restoration work.
B-J : That fire was just bad luck....nevertheless,  every decision I took was designed to save the club £'000s on its yearly operational costs
CP : Yet the flip-side to that of course were the massive and grotesque one-off payments of  £20,000, £45,000, £ 60,000  and £80,000. These figures demonstrate beyond all reasonable doubt that you are insane.
B-J : Not so.....you see, I cleverly persuaded all the club members to contribute generously to the club's new and exciting Restoration and Redevelopment Fund, on the pretext that this money would give them a share in the ownership of the property.....and any of its future profits.
CP : And did they fall for this scam ?
B-J : Indeed, they did.....hook,line and sinker ! Like shooting fish in a barrel...
CP : Then , it appears that it is they who are bonkers, and that you by comparison have retained quite a few of your marbles. Consequently, we feel obliged to allow your application for immediately release.....and you are therefore free to leave the premises.
B-J : Thank the Lord God for that....now I can get back to the club and implement a brilliant idea .......given to me by my best friend.......... for cutting back on yet another unnecessary club expense 
CP : And who is your best friend ?
B-J : The King of the Potato People of course !
CP : So please enlighten us.....what is the idea ?
B-J : To swop the club's newly purchased, highly valuable office equipment, furniture and fittings for utterly worthless tat......this way the club wont have too incur any annual depreciation charges at all......brilliant eh ?
CP : I think we may have made a mistake over you.....
B-J: Too late.....I'm off and away,  you buggers......byeee 
  


  

CHAUNCEY GARDINER'S SUPERB BRIDGE BOOKS FOR BUDDING BRIDGE PLAYERS....... ( Recommended reading by Pun )

This little known author wrote many books on bridge to give those with a passion for the game a chance to blossom and grow into quality players, and dedicated club members . Anyone who has just one of his books buried away in the loft will have a very rare and collectible item indeed, probably worth it's weight in gold. In all he wrote 16 books, but unfortunately all the titles had " gardening " connotations, and as a result far too many bridge players chose to overlook or ignore them.
However, the full list of his truly amazing and instructive books can be seen below :

• Weeding Out Bad Habits
• Shooting For Tops
• Branching Out Into The Big Arenas
• Shedding Useless Gadgets And Conventions
• Bidding On Filth
• Grassing Up Wrongdoers 
• Calling A Spade A Spade
• Morton's Fork And Other Coups
• Digging Out Results The Hard Way
• Hedging One's Bets
• Getting The Dirt On Troublesome Members
• Turfing Out Cheats And Coffee-housers
• Axing Your Way To Success
• How To Avoid Becoming A Cropper
• The Forbidden Art Of Fielding Psyches
• Rooting Out The Nasties     

CRITICS
SLAM
CAREER
PROSPECTS
OF
" BAD
BRIDGE "
EDITOR
AS BEING
DOWN
THE
TOILET
.......

ANOTHER
RECENT 
NOTICE
TO APPEAR
ON THE
SLAUGHTER 
HOUSE BC's
BULLETIN
BOARD
..........
..........

THE
LATEST
NOTICE
TO GO 
UP ON
THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BC'S
BULLETIN
BOARD
........

BOLSHY

BIGOT

DEFIES

BAN TO

BRING

BACK

" BAD

BRIDGE "

FOR

BRAINLESS

BEGINNERS

..........

THE HOLE

...............
YET
ANOTHER
RATHER
UNUSUAL
CONVER-
SATION
TOOK
PLACE
OUTSIDE
THE 
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
...........
...........
" Bigot......I thought the club members had persuaded you to stop digging this hole ! "
" Yes......they did.....the buggers......they even took it upon themselves to get a petition going to make me fill it in "
" So how come I find you digging yourself a hole that must be all of a mile deep ? "
" Well, when I managed to fill in the hole,  I then found myself with a mountain of dirt left over which I was unable to pack back in..........."
" So why start all over again digging another hole ? "
" Well, the same buggers got a second petition going, which forced me to dig an even deeper hole.... as the best way of getting rid of all the excess dirt from the first dig  "
" Bigot.....you really are in serious need of help......... "
" Any chance then of finding me a longer rope ladder ? "    

YESTERDAY A MOST UNUSUAL CONSERVATION TOOK PLACE OUTSIDE THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC.......a nearly true story Bridgemeister Gibson

(  Bigot-Johnson, for the fourth day running, was seen frantically digging a hole right next to the club house wall.  This time a very concerned and worried club member walked over to the madman, desperate to get some answers to satisfy her curiosity. )

" What on earth are you doing ? "
" Digging a hole ! "
" But why ? "
" Because some smart arse club member advised me not to...... "
" So why dig the hole anyway ? "
" Advising or telling me not to dig a hole simply fills me with the motivation and determination to get a spade and start digging....." 
" But you've made the hole so big you're in danger of seriously damaging the foundations of the club house " 
" Well, I never.....someone else warned me about that ...."
" So why don't you stop digging this hole.....and start filling it back up again "
" That would be capitulation on my part.....It would be ludicrous for me to stop now after all the time, effort and money I've put into this venture......because all of that would then be for nothing. Moreover, to waste even more time, effort and money into filling the hole would be an insane option "
" So why not stop..... leave the hole as it is..........and simply call it a day "
" I can't....heavens above woman....once I've started a job I have to see it through to the bitter end "
" And when will that be ? "
" When the hole has become an abyss.....all an consuming black hole..... which everyone , including myself, will be sucked into.....and consumed "
" Bigot..... I mean it.......you need serious help........"
" By Jove, you're right..........go fetch that other spade ,leaning up against my car.......... and start digging "

BRIDGE BOOKS DESTINED TO MAKE IT BIG IN 2013.........( Predictions by Pun )   

• After This Hand Partner, Go And See To The Baby..............Nappy Brown
• Good Grief Did I Just See You Throw A Bridgemate?...........Noah Stone
• Bridge In The Night Garden................................................Tom Lee Bews
• Partner, Now That's What I Call A Quality Suit !...................Erin Bone
• In Time That Lady Will Become A Top Class Player.............Sheila Spire
• Partner, We Need To Be Honest With Each Other................Les B. Frank  
• Under Attack From Flying Bridgemates ?............................Ariel A. Salt
• Partner, First Thing Tomorrow I Promise To Come Good......Dawn Sue Pryse
• Trust Me, That Member Will Never Return To This Club........Egon Foreshaw
• That Woman Never Lets Opponents Intimidate Her...............Frieda Note
• One Of My Team Members Is Off His Head.........................Ivor Madden  

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB : SUB ZERO TOLERANCE  POLICY DISCIPLINARY RULE 5324

" Members are forbidden to throw anything. Any breach of this rule will certainly lead to suspension, possibly expulsion. Since the liability is so strict, each member needs to be acutely aware that he/she MUST NOT :

- throw a tantrum
- throw a paddy, wobbly or fit
- throw up ( over another )
- throw a party
- throw dirt at committee members
- throw his/her money around
- throw opponents off balance
- throw his/her hands up in digust
- throw an insult
- throw a hand in
- throw a spanner into the works
- throw the book at someone
- throw his/her weight around
- throw a punch
- throw a bridgemate
- throw a game
- throw a match
- throw the towel in
- throw a baby out with the bathwater

If anyone is found guilty of committing one or more of the above acts, the committee will reserve its right TO THROW THAT MEMBER OUT BY HIS/HER EARS "

CHRISTMAS CAROL ...... ( Part 2 )

Back in bed again Bigot spent the next hour tossing.....and turning.....but to no avail. As hard as he tried he could not get to sleep.Then precisely at 4 o'clock another apparition appeared dressed up like the grim reaper. Bigot went stiff with fear.
" I have come for you Bigot-Johnson. I am the ghost of Christmas future.....and I am here to reveal what fate awaits you. "
" Oh no, does that mean I'm about to be caught out by the police over that consignment of viagra tablets I stole ? Well....I'm not that worried......I've got enough evidence that will surely stand up in court to prove my innocence "
" Or perhaps your guilt ? ....Anyway enough of this nonsense......you are about to see your end "
Bigot was devastated over such a prospect , but the ghost showed him no mercy as he took Bigot to a cemetery. He saw himself being thrown into a large eight foot hole to be buried alive under  tons of paper, which listed all the wrongdoings he committed at the bridge table, and terrible things he did to members of his own club. Box load after box load of papers rained on top of him : death at the hands of those who he had wrongfully expelled from the Slaughter House. Struggling to breathe, he was getting hot and agitated.  Sweat oozed from every pore in his body. 


Dr. John now looked looked very perturbed and concerned.
" Bigot ....when I count to 3 and click my fingers you will wake up and forget everything.....one....two....three....... ( click of fingers ) "
" Where am I.....who are you......what am I doing here ? "
" You are in my surgery......I'm Dr. John your psycho-therapist......and you are undergoing my radically new hypnosis therapy. I have been exploring the dark corners of your subconscious mind......finding burning issues you have left unresolved.......uncovering all those powerful emotions and feelings you have chosen to bury away.......my God man........you seem haunted by so many ghosts ? "
" Oh dear.....yet these ghosts you speak of mean something to me.....I have a sense of needing to be a better and more caring person "
" No chance of that.....for you Bigot are beyond help.....beyond redemption and beyond hope..........you are, and will continue to be.....a vile, nasty, amoral inhuman being.......and this session of course will knock you back £60 "
" What......you're nothing more than a thieving charlatan.....and I'll pay you £20 .....and not a penny more ! "
" But it's Christmas "
" Christmas... bah....humbug.....it means nothing to me.....so here's your money....I'm off you bugger .....there are pantopods out there that need stuffing...."
   

  

A CHRISTMAS CAROL THE LIKES YOU'VE NEVER COME ACROSS BEFORE........ ( An abridged version of a Dicken's classic as retold by Pun )

Just as Bigot reached his front door of his home he heard a clanging noise behind him. He quickly turned round and there standing before him, draped and manacled in chains,  was Pantopod, whose dead body should still be weighted down at the bottom of the lake. 
" I've been waiting for you Bigot.....where have you been this Christmas Eve night ? "
" I've spent whole night down at the Fawcett Inn, the house of ill repute " 
" Heavens above Bigot....what sort of place is that ? "
" Liquor in the front.....and poker in the rear ! "
" Well, enough of the pleasantries......I'm here on a mission.....and that is to give you a warning about what you are going to experience later......... when the bells toll for thee at midnight "
 But before Bigot could say " sod off ", the haunting apparition of his first ever victim suddenly evaporated  from view. 
Once inside his house he quickly jumped into bed to contemplate what to do with his huge collection of french letters. Despite having the central heating on at full blast, the air turned icy cold, and emerging from the vapours of a strange white mist appeared the ghost of Christmas past. The spectre reached out grabbed his hand,  transporting Bigot back to the days when he was an up and coming young bridge player, enjoying his time with lots of friends and admirers. They were laughing and joking at the numerous gifts the wooden tops kept showering upon them.
" I remember all that ..."
"Ah...but do you remember the day a young lady asked you to be her partner ? "
" Yes.......and I declined because she wasn't up to my standard "
" No....you are wrong....you turned her down her because of your sexist, anti-female attitudes. Well, guess what....she turned out to be Britain's finest player , and if you had partnered her you  would gone on to win every major tournament,  competing on the world's stage for years to come . "
" Bugger "
And on that bitter realization of what might have been, Bigot then found himself back in his bed racked with resentment and regret.
Then as the bell tolled 2 o'clock another ghost appeared. Bigot gave a little scream and a jerk, and so relieved himself. 
" Enough of that.......I am the ghost of Christmas present and I want to take you on a journey of self-discovery ....."
" Where are we going ? "
" To the Pantopod house to see how the wife is coping without a husband, and the children without their father "
Within seconds Bigot was inside their front room, a hovel of a place, with just a solitary present
at the base of a small limp, dying Christmas tree. A photograph of poor Percy hung from the wall taken days before he mysteriously disappeared. He couldn't help but notice the deep psychological scars on his tormented and tortured face. Here was a man he had mentally crippled by his relentless bullying and harassment at the table, before deciding to do him in. 
The place was full of sadness and sorrow with the children still grieving for their beloved father.
" I can take no more.....please get me away from here......I beg you "
Instantly , Bigot was transported to the house of the world finest lady player , who was having a high stakes rubber bridge party with some the best names known in the world of bridge today.
" I knew one chap " ,she said, " who turned down me as his partner. What a player he could have been if he hadn't chosen to team up with Freddy Flywheel. They resorted to underhand tactics and cheating to win low ranking competitions. From that point on he lost the ability to enjoy his bridge, and to develop his obvious talent. By allowing a " win-at-any-cost " mentality to take over....he allowed his game to suffer. "
Bigot sighed.

( Part 2 to follow tomorrow )
   
    

               

I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THERE ARE CHEATING DOGS OUT THERE WHO HAVE DOZENS OF DIFFERENT LOOKING "DOUBLE" CARDS IN THEIR BIDDING BOXES......... ( Article by Carp )

Oh yes, I'm at the end of my tether attending bridge clubs that are more in keeping with approved centers for cheating.
Time and time again I get completely stitched up by opponents who have in their bidding boxes a whole variety of " double " cards, each carrying a specific message,  which of course can only be deciphered by their partner.
You don't believe me ?  Well, allow me to convince you otherwise.
In my box I have an identical set of double cards but , strangely and bizarrely, in my opponents' bidding boxes there appears to be at least 6 different sets. For instance, their double cards can be :
- sharp edged
- crisp ( mint condition)
- flimsy, wafer thin
- thick and weighty
- faded in colour 
- dark crimson red
Obviously, each type of double card carries a clear and precise message with regards to :
- the purpose behind the bid,  be it take out or business
- the relative strength of the hand
- whether or not the bidder is well stacked in the suit doubled
- whether OR NOT that double can be pulled
So am I paranoid ?  Who knows......yet what I do know is this. Some pairs I have come across have an uncanny knack of knowing what to do after their partner doubles : when to pull it, what the best response bid should be, when to pass and convert the double into a penalty double, and what's the nature of the defensive tricks. 
In my view it had to come down to which particular double card they pulled out of the bidding box.....or may be my paranoia is causing me to miss the more obvious truth........the devious and subtle way in which the double card is placed on the table.   

BRIDGE BOOKS TO READ OVER CHRISTMAS.......
( Festive research by Pun )               
     

• Getting My Prayer Mat Out All The Time Is Killing Me ...........Denise R. Hurting 
• Captain, You Can Always Rely On Us........................................Paul R. Waite
• Partner, Duck Awkward Questions And Keep Your Mouth Shut......Bill Holding
• That Top He Stole From Us Was Highway Robbery....................Toby Mann
• I Want To Be Your Partner For Life............................................Marie Mee 
• I'm Neither A Thief Nor A Cheat.................................................Nora Beggarby
• My Partner Never Abides By The Rules.....................................Maive Rick
• She's Tuning In To Table Talk From The Next Room !..................Dora Jarr
• Heavens Above, There's A Bridgemate Heading Your Way..........Bess Duck
• Oh Dear, We're Up Against The Big Guns Next...........................Art Hillary

BIGOT-JOHNSON PULLS A FAST ONE OVER OLD NICK HIMSELF......( An unbelievable but true story by Bridgemeister Gibson ) 

Desperate to win a trophy....any trophy in fact....Bigot made the decision to sponsor the one professional who could guarantee him success. It was Old Nick, the devil himself. So without any hesitation or concern Bigot entered into a pact where he would gladly hand over his soul, providing the devil helped him to win the next big pairs event coming up at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society BC.
As it happened the field was a very weak one indeed. Nine pairs were made up of of little old ladies all suffering from short-term memory problems. Six pairs were scratch ones made up of  floaters who always found it difficult to keep regular partners. The other three pairs seemed the only ones capable of counting to 13 and following suit.
The competition was a walkover for Bigot. Forty-two boards were played over two sessions, and Old Nick was declarer in 27 of them, most of which were well bid games and slams effortlessly brought home by superior technique and ability. It was though the man of horns could read through the backs of the opponents' cards ( which obviously he could ! ). His doubles were devastating, and not surprisingly their final score was announced as " a record breaking 86.7 % ". This came about from registering 30 outright tops and 12 boards well above average. Bigot of course drooled with delight as he went up to receive the trophy he so desperately craved,  not to mention the £60 winners' cheque that came with it.
However, once outside the club house Old Nick approached Bigot to remind him of the agreement he had entered into.
" I've come to collect your soul, Bigot " 
" OK....a deal is a deal.....you can have it " replied the nonchalant and delirious trophy holder.
But when the devil peered into Bigot's twisted and demented psyche, all that could be seen was a corrupt, vain, dishonest, stupid, hypocritical, depraved, greedy, bad tempered, and utter self-centred person.
" Quite frankly..... ", said Old Nick, "....your soul is not worthy having. Somehow......... I get the feeling I've been duped "
" Indeed you have....", laughed Bigot, "......indeed you have "