AN AMAZING BUT ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY....... as honestly told to Bridgemeister Gibson

I once met a chap who told me about his first and only experience of being on a bridge club committee. At the first meeting he attended,  he and a couple of other newcomers were cordially welcomed by the long standing and serving officers. Then immediately after these initial pleasantries were over, one of the senior grandees leaned forward, and to say a few words in a firm , authoratative manner........ with just a subtle hint of menace thrown in for good measure.
" You would all do well to remember that what goes on in this committee room stays in this committee room . "

So much for the openness and transparency in that particular club ! 

COMMITTEE MATTERS : OPENNESS v. SECRECY...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )


Openness and transparency are in my opinion two virtues which all club committees should strive to embody in both their work and decision making. Publishing minutes is all too often a token gesture that committees are obliged to make, failing to satisfy those who demand to know more. Such half-hearted gestures are a cop out. Minutes are no more than highly summarised and sanitised versions of what takes place at meetings, revealing only half-truths , one-sided perspectives, and non-incriminating facts about what is really going on behind the scenes. Minutes never include the reasons why decisions were made, or what the full ramifications and implications of those decisions might be.
The real benefit of openness  and transparency is that committee members become completely accountable for their actions and decisions. If they have been selected to represent the members, and to act as their servants, then the members are entitled to know about what is happening....and why. Committees have a primary duty to ensure the long term survival of the club, and this requires decisions to reflect that rationale. Members want to see a club that is thriving and successful , which means in effect that decisions should aim to achieve that goal.
Whenever secrecy raises its ugly head, there is good reason for one to be suspicious and concerned. Have committee members something to hide ? Are they fearful of revealing the truth about themselves,  or the true extent of the problems which could be engulfing the club ? When there is an absence of information , then rumours and malicious gossip abound. Ordinary members will question the motives and intentions of those determined to keep them in the dark. Has secrecy become an ill-chosen tactic,  purely designed to thwart those who are keen to expose the committee's failings and shortcomings ?
Although there are circumstances , in the interests of confidentiality, not to name names,  or cause undue panic and alarm, there is no justifiable argument to censor the truth in publicised material.  The reality is this : when hard truths are suppressed , the culture within the club changes towards the standard hierarchical one.  And should this occur then only those with the privilege of power end up acquiring the privilege of knowledge. The natural tendency is always for committee members to secretly look after their own , not to mention their most trusted supporters.  Not surprisingly, secrecy usually goes hand-in-hand with the twin evils of nepotism and despotism.
Secrecy therefore develops a culture where access to the deeper truth requires a higher status. Moreover, the privileged few soon come to believe they have the right to know, and therefore as the custodians of knowledge they are best placed to determine what others ought to know, or should be entitled to know. As a consequence, those outside the inner circle end up with limited rights of access, such as the minutes of meetings, posted notices and AGM reports. The perceptions now held are as follows : information should  be classified as a valuable asset, which should never be allowed to fall into the wrong hands, and if critics and adversaries get access to it , then the committee's power base ( and its reputation ) will be seriously under threat.
However, it is my contention that more benefits come from openness and transparency than secrecy. Members will feel reassured and valued for being included in the process , where they can have a say at the critical time , such as when tricky issues come up before a committee. Members have a right to attend and listen in on meetings, along with a right to be fully informed about the reasons behind difficult and controversial decisions. In such instances decisions  which might otherwise appear absurd or bad are more likely to be accepted as reasonable and sensible, especially when detailed explanations are given as to why those decisions had to be made. Indeed, when ever decisions are made with the long term interests of the club and/or the membership in mind, there is very little opportunity for the resident critics to voice their complaints.     
         

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH ONLY MADE IN BIG IN THE FENS..... Research by Pun

• Hopping From One Lady Partner To Another ...................Phil Anderer
• I Like Partners Who Know How To Party...........................Barnaby Wilde
• People Say I'm Clueless When It Comes To Bridge..........P. Brain 
• My Life Time Ban Was Wrong And Unjust.........................Lemmie Atom
• Knocking Down The Walls Of Self Doubt...........................Jerry Coe
• When It Comes To Bridge You're No Man.........................Senior Willey
• After That Defeat I Need A Good Whiskey.........................Jack Daniels
• Someone On High Really Had It In For Me........................Angela Deth
• That Woman's Game Has Gone Right Down The Pan.......Pastor Prime
• Let's Hang The Bugger Who Threw That Bridgemate........Lynn Chimm 
• Couldn't You Get Any Committee Member To Back Me ?....Drew A. Blanc
• Bigot's New Club Has Banned Over 40 Of Its Members.....Wanda Hughes-Nexed 

CARP WOULD LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS TO ALL THOSE  " WHAT-ME ? "   PLAYERS,  WHO INEVITABLY PLEAD NOT GUILTY WHEN ACCUSED OF ACTING SUSPICIOUSLY

".....CHEATING IS A DELIBERATE CHOICE......NOT AN INADVERTANT MISTAKE...." 

NEWSFLASH : NO ONE  IT SEEMS WAS ABLE TO SHED ANY LIGHT ABOUT THE STRANGE GOINGS ON AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB'S AGM

 

LATER ON THAT EVENING AT THE SHBC AGM......

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC
THE LATEST AGM WAS TAKING PLACE..........

NEWSFLASH : MORE VOTING SHENANIGANS AT SHENANIGANS....

At another not-too-well-advertised EGM at the 666 Shenanigans BC, cunningly convened by Bigot-Johnson's lackeys , a proposal was put forward to employ " bouncers "  to man the front door. Their job would be to refuse entry to anyone " who didn't fit the bill ". Such a proposal allowed the club committee in effect to exercise their right to bar entry to anyone they perceived as undesirable.
However, a sizeable group of members got wind of this development and they turned up in droves to attend this EGM, ready to scupper Bigot's plans. After fierce debate the proposal was put to the vote, and immediately after the counting the results were announced : those in favour 37 plus the 16 proxy votes , those against nil , and 3 abstentions.
" Hold on a mo..." screamed an irate member from the back of the room. " I voted against this proposal .....so how come it's not mentioned in the count ?  In fact there are 120 members present in this room tonight, and to my knowledge there was a large number who voted along with me. So what the hell have you done with the " no " votes.
Bigot stood up, smug faced and full of glee : " Eighty voting slips were spoilt and were therefore discounted.....or should I say discarded straight into the bin. They were all incorrectly filled out ...."
" What....I know I put my cross right in the middle of the box ! "
" Yes, and so did 79 others....but you suckers had not bothered to read the notice placed outside this room, which laid down the rules about how to fill in the voting slips. This notice clearly stated that crosses must be placed " on " the box to be valid , and so anyone putting them " in " the box would have spoilt their vote. "
" This is an outrage "
" Rules are rules .......and with great vision and forethought , I had already planned for this proposal to be implemented tonight.........and so would someone kindly send for the two bouncers, who I believe have just arrived.... to come in and have this obstreperous arsehole removed from the premises...."

JOHNNY SEES THE DANGER...........

The other night I witnessed a great mind at work ,  when Johnny Supremo set about defeating a 4S contract. South had opened the bidding 3S , doubled by Johnny sitting West, and then 4S from North which ended the auction. 
Holding Ax....AKQx.....QJ10.....Q109x ,  every West in the room kicked off with K of hearts, and with dummy ( North ) revealing Q9....J10xx.....xxxx.....AKx ,  there were still 5 outstanding hearts to be accounted for. When East revealed an odd number in the suit , it was fairly obvious that declarer was sitting there with a losing doubleton.
At trick 2 the Ace of hearts was played confirming the 4-4-3-2 distribution in that suit. At this point all the Wests decided against continuing hearts for fear of setting up dummy's jack, and so they all switched to queen of diamonds as the logical choice.....but now 4S tick for declarer appeared on every line of the score-sheet . For when the diamond Queen was taken by declarer with his Ace, it was time to set about clearing trumps in two rounds, putting West again on lead. A second diamond was routinely ruffed by South, who simply played out all the remaining spades. Every West was forced to squirm in his seat , squeezed to death , being unable to guard both hearts and clubs.
But not at Johnny's table. He could see the pending squeeze a mile off.   If Declarer held 3 clubs in the Jack ( which in fact  he had ), then his best line of defence was to simply remove the heart menace. At trick 3 he continued with the queen of hearts , which was gleefully ruffed by declarer. But as soon as spades were played, Johnny rose with the Ace to play a fourth heart. This was ruffed by partner with his remaining trump, and although the inevitable over-ruff took place, declarer was condemned to concede a losing club.
What vision...... what great defence..... what a player. And if Johnny Supremo isn't nominated for the Bridge Hall Of Fame , then all I can say is.... there ain't any justice left in this bizarre world of bridge !

( Declarer's hand was KJ10xxxx....xx....A....Jxx )

A DOUBLE DOSE FROM THE DEMON DOCTOR......

There was an old fool from Fife
Who had the misfortune to partner his wife
As her nagging got worse
Into a temper he burst
So he finished her off with a knife


There was a deluded young man from Crewe
Who thought bridge was a game that he knew
But with a brain like a brick
He lost trick after trick
It was obvious he hadn't a clue

YET ANOTHER BRIDGE RELATED LIMERICK ..... from the fluid pen of Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber

There was a cocky young player from Stoke
Whose partner he was desperate to poke
Though he played his cards right
There was no joy that night
As entry was stopped by a sudden revoke

NEWSFLASH : SHENANIGANS AT THE 666 SHENANIGANS BRIDGE CLUB

Within months of the club's inauguration many members were shocked to find rather unpleasant changes taking place to the Friday night duplicate bridge sessions.
Bigot-Johnson had previously convened an EGM which the majority of members had no knowledge about, having failed to see the posted details about it on the club's notice board. The one-inch-by one-inch poster was in a print so small , only those members in possession of powerful magnifying glasses had any chance of reading its content.
Nevertheless , rumours broke out about Bigot's sharp practice and several of his fiercest adversaries turned up to the meeting , ready to scupper any of his nefarious plans. First item up on the agenda was a Bigot-Johnson proposal to have a bondage bridge night on Fridays , which would involve errant and inept partners being subjected to all manner of punishments and tortures.
Despite having all his lackeys ready to vote the proposal  through , the voting on the floor appeared evenly divided : 16 for, 17 against. However , the proposal got the nod when the eighteen " yes " proxy votes had been taken into account , giving Bigot the two-thirds majority he needed to push through this enterprising and exciting initiative.
" We demand to see where these proxy votes came from ...." screamed one of the seventeen.
" Members who couldn't get to the club " , replied Bigot.
" Name one " said a doubting Thomas.
" Albert Childs "
" But he died .....just a few ago ago.....the poor sod "
" True "
" But dead men can't vote "
" Ah ....that is correct....but Albert was asked to vote on this issue just before he passed away.....and as far as the constitution goes......he still remains a paid up member until the end of the calendar year..."
" This is an outrage......dead men can't make proxy votes "
" May be so....but Albert was alive when he made it.....and we should all respect a dead man's wishes.....even heartless bastards like you ...."
And so the evening went on with committee backed proposals going through on the support of these 18 proxy voters. This of course turned out to real triumph for the chairman Bigot-Johnson , a self-proclaimed deviant, shyster and scoundrel. 

NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON TAKES OVER ANOTHER BRIDGE CLUB RENAMING IT  "THE 666 SHENANIGANS BC ".......  

( We ,  mentioning no names for fear of pending lawsuits ,  have uncovered the initial constitution of The 666 Shenanigans BC , which can be seen below. )

Article 1. Name
The name of this unincorporated association shall be The 666 Shenanigans Bridge Club , hereinafter referred to Shenanigans.
Article 2.  Mission
Shenanigans shall be compromised of society's misfits , odd bods,  undesirables , dodgy characters and reckless fun lovers with a warped desire and motivation to participate in a variety of covert , underhand and highly immoral activities including , but by no means limited to, the cheating, the bullying, and the coffee-housing that regularly goes on at the bridge tables.
Article 3. Membership
Shenanigans shall maintain a minimum of 12 members , of which one-third must have shady and rather dubious past lives. Membership however is therefore open to anyone, but those with credentials of dishonesty, deception and cunning are more than welcome. For a year's membership the cost is £30, but subsequent renewals will always be at the discretion of the executive committee. However,  membership rights can only be obtained by an upfront payment of £4030, of which £4000 will be returned at the end of the year, providing sufficient funds are still left in club's bank account. 
Article 4. Club rules 
Shenanigans acknowledges and will abide by its own constitution rules , which at this present moment of time are being mulled over by the President-For-Life,  Bigot-Johnson. Irrespective of what he posts on the notice board, the executive committee  under his astute stewardship and direct leadership will be fully empowered to change the rules , simply at the drop of a hat or the whim of its esteemed leader. 
Article 5 : Duties to be carried out by all executive members
( a )  to attend only the meetings they have been told to attend
( b ) to vote as instructed
( c ) to ratify retrospectively changes to rules introduced by the impetuous and power
       crazed President 
( d ) to honour the Oath of Allegiance  , and to keep quiet about all secret back-handers
( e ) to submit to the President all the names and addresses of family and friends
( f )  to pay lip service to the bogus constitution that will stay posted on the notice board
( g ) to assist in the compilation of sterile, highly sanitised minutes of the meetings , which will be either full of inventive crap of a bland , meaningless , and harmless nature , or non-incriminating facts and figures.
Article 6 : Duties of the President
( a ) to obtain and maintain total control of all the club's financial affairs
( b ) to further develop and enhance nepotism and despotism within the club 
( c ) to bring gambling and rubber bridge back to the forefront of card playing activities
( d ) to collaborate and link up with The Slaughter House BC for major functions , shindigs ,
       parties , orgies and satanic rituals
( e ) to organise expensive bridge holidays for himself, his family and selected members of  
       the executive committee
( f ) to install surveillance cameras and gadgets in all parts of the club premises
( g ) to be responsible for implementing all cover-ups , and for ensuring that all 
      incriminating evidence is destroyed before any law enforcement agencies starts asking
      awkward questions
( h ) to keep ordinary members , and all nosey, interferingy outsiders , completely in the dark
Article 7  : Executive elections  
Except for the President all executive positions will be up for re-election after each year in office. These elections will take place on an unadvertised day , when those expected to turn up will be invitees , family, friends and/or easily bribed voters. Proxy voting may be allowed in certain emergency situations to avoid the risk of an undesirable outcome.
Article 8 : Meetings
These will be held in secret , usually by the chosen few who happen to meet up in dark corridors and corners. A meeting quorum need only consist of two executive officers ,  one of which must be the President , or someone acting as his mule.
Article 9 : Amendments 
This constitution will make do as the loose operating basis of Shenanigans. No amendment can be carried out  , unless it has the President's approval. In cases where the President himself rings the changes, no initial reference to the executive committee or the membership is needed.
Article 10 : Dissolution
The Club automatically ceases to exist the moment the roof caves in , and the President is in flight , being compelled to change his identity and go underground. Members need not concern themselves about recovery of subscription money , or any proprietary financial interests they may have in the assets of the club , since these will have all been swiftly transferred into one of the President's many secret off-shore accounts.    

YET ANOTHER ORIGINAL LIMERICK....... ( By Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber ) 

There was a nasty mean player from Gloucester
Whose poor partner ,  oh how he bossed her
But nothing he said
Stayed in her head
So he called her " a  prat " , then tossed her

LAW REPORT  : PANTOPOD v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC & BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )

Lady Prunella Pantopod had sued the bridge club and the co-defendant for substantial damages , having been hit on the head by a weighty flying projectile. This injury caused partial but permanent hearing loss on her left side. The villain in this incident was none other than Bigot-Johnson , who was required to pay 70% of the £200,000 damages award , while the other 30% had to be met by the club. Both defendants appealed , denying liability and arguing contributory negligence due to Prunella's failure to duck. Furthermore , Bigot submitted that if both defendants were liable , then the club should bear a greater proportion of the liability. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below .  

Appeal Judge ( AP ) : Normally...this court would not interfere with the apportionment of damages awarded by the judge at first instance.....but in this case I'm prepared to do just that....
B-J : Praise be The Lord !
AP :  Yes....I am concerned about the correctness of the judge's apportionment , the basis of which he had not explained...
B-J : Yes....Yes...the man was a complete numpty
AP : In my opinion he had not taken into account the significant fact about the warlike practices which certain undesirable members of the club loved to engage in....
B-J : You mean throwing heavy objects at members who get up people's noses
AP : Indeed....for years this club has been blighted by thuggish members such as yourself....but has for far too long turned a blind eye to your outrageous tantrums and vicious attacks. Although the majority of law abiding members remained vigilant and alert at all times , new and inexperienced members were always likely to be caught unawares. Moreover, the risk of such an injury was always that much greater when these poor unsuspecting souls sat down at the table where you were playing. It seems clear to me that the club were fully aware of the potential danger you posed to others , especially when results weren't going your way...
B-J : Yes....yes....yes....that night opponents were turning me over board after board..... I was ticking time bomb ready to explode
AP : The fact that the club took no measures to warn unsuspecting players  was without doubt a significant oversight by them.....and this failing was of a different magnitude from your failing to control your temper
B-J : Absolutely.....I couldn't agree with you more...
AP : So while you , Bigot , such a vile , vulgar and violent man .....the likes I've have never come across before....was clearly in the wrong , the lion's share of the blame should rest with the club
B-J : Too bloody right....
AP :  I would say a revised ratio of about 80 % to  20%.... in your favour.... would be far more appropriate 
B-J : Hold on a mo .......can that 20% be reduced to zero on account of that Prunella's contributory negligence.....the stupid woman didn't even bother to duck
AP : NO .... because she was hit from behind....
B-J : So she was....
AP : And the message for all clubs is clear. If dangerous practices are allowed to continue, then warnings are essential, and that all players need to be made aware of the risks. Therefore, members of the managing committees need to carry out immediate and urgent risk assessments, together with the erection of warning signs, and the issuing of safety helmets. This way the future risks can be minimised..... 
B-J : Hold on a minute...such intrusions might cause members to panic unnecessarily,  or look insanely ridiculous
AP : No more ridiculous than you look wearing that silly mariner's outfit and sporting that grotesque black moustache
B-J : Oh......
AP : And on a final note ....what this case hopes to establish more than anything else is to broadcast the fact that the primary function of all clubs and their committees is to develop policies which sustain the long term future of the club . My decision follows a recent precedent set down in the case of Phee v. Gordon (2013). Clubs should not put at risk the club's future by recklessly disregarding their responsibilities , especially if six-figure claims can be envisaged. This might well result in them not being able to maintain their financial viability, which will in turn lead to their total collapse, or burdening all their members with sizeable liabilities......
B-J : Can we go home now.....you sanctimonious old git.....           

COULD I HAVE DONE BETTER ? ........( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

After a short bidding sequence of 1NT-3NT, I  received a passive opening 9D lead from a disconsolate looking East . Thankful that my one heart stopper was still intact  , I proceeded to rattle off seven more tricks in the minors. West soon started to look miffed when forced to make 3 discards, these being J109 of hearts. East parted with one one heart and a spade , while I also pitched a losing heart.
This left me with A75-Ax in dummy , opposite my Jxx...xx in the majors. Sensing that the heart situation was now a doubleton all round , I cashed my Ace and exited with a small heart taken by West. Calmly and without a flicker of emotion he played the Queen of spades , which I took in dummy with the Ace. At trick 12,  I played a small spade towards my J9 and yet again West smooth as you like played low. I unfortunately decided to play the 9 losing to East's 10. So with another spade loser to come , I ended up with 10 tricks for a flat board.
But could I have done better ? The answer must surely be " yes ". All the clues were there.
Why would West come down to the bare KQ of hearts unless he wasn't desperate to preserve his spade holding ?
No sensible East lead a passive diamond if he had 4 spades to an honour ?
Would West , an experienced grandmaster lead an unsupported queen of spades ? And knowing that he didn't possess the Jack , then surely there was a strong inference he must be holding the King ?
Moreover , if West did hold the KQ of spades then leading the King would be too much of a dead giveaway.......so unlikely given he is a canny player ?
When adding up all these factors, I should have risen with the Jack at trick 12 to secure 11 tricks and a galactic stop. By opening a frisky no trump I had created for myself a wonderful opportunity to beat the field , only to throw it away away....... and beat myself up instead.
Yes, welcome to the bizarre and cruel world of bridge..... 

 ( The full hand can be seen opposite )


     

A VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY......by Bridgemeister Gibson

The other day I had to enter a 2H+3 onto the score sheet for an absolute bottom. I held AK10xx....J9xxx......x.....Ax..... and so I opened 1S. 
Partner with his xx....AKQ10......xx....J109xx..... responded 2C , only to hear a 2H bid from me.
Without too much thought he decided to pass .
In the play both the hearts and spades behaved, and so making 11 tricks proved a mere formality. 
After the last trick had been taken , I asked him why he had decided to pass 2 hearts. " I thought you might only have a 4 card heart suit....and my 10 count was poor .... " came the limp reply.
" Oh ", I said " .....Perhaps you're right.....may be your heart suit wasn't quite good enough to show me support  ! " 

( Footnote : Despite that aberration we had an excellent night,  and our 64% score secured us a well deserved trophy-grabbing win. )  
   

BACK
TO
THE
SAME
CLUB
HOUSE
BAR
.......

DEFINING AN EXPERT........(  Reflections by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

What really separates expert bridge players from the triers, wannabes , charlatans , mediocrity and riff raff often comes down to just one thing. Experts don't always know what to do.... but you can bet your shirt on the fact that they know exactly what not to do.
Winning bridge is all about minimising your mistakes to such an extent that the opponents are never gifted a thing. World class experts are capable of avoiding even the smallest of errors, which in turn enhances their chances of securing a flat board at worse and an above average board at best. Indeed,  I once asked a supremely talented player what lead he would make against a small slam , based on the bidding and a hand containing a motley collection of HCP's. His answer started off with " Well, I wouldn't lead this suit " .....and he eventually finished with "...and I wouldn't lead that card either ".  
Naturally, I asked him " Well , what card would you lead ? " to which his reply was " the only card left from the twelve I have just discounted "
And what's more he was right. This was the only card that gave the defence any chance to defeat the contract, simply by creating an opportunity for declarer to go wrong.   

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......

• Table altercation : a bitter argument often ending with sweet revenge
• Know all : a player who has not read a single bridge book or played at the highest level , but who will nevertheless feel qualified to instruct and guide learners. In the event that the instruction or advice backfires , all blame will be attached to the learner's incompetence .
• Non-playing captain : someone full of tactical advice but quick to deny any responsibility for the team's poor performance 
• Lawyer : someone who tells each party to a dispute that he/she has a cast iron case
• Litigation : a lawyer-driven dispute initially brought on by the parties' mutual lack of common sense
• Justice : a perverse TD decision that happens to go in your favour 
• TD : a clever euphemism for the person who many players would otherwise describe as   " that officious , pro-elite , arse-licking sycophant "
•  Plan :   (a ) a carefully considered line of play which will be completely ignored or forgotten while attempting to make the contract, or ( b ) a brilliant and successful line of play which should have been adopted and followed , but for the fact it was only drawn up after the contract had gone down