MORE SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATION FROM THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC AS THE EBU'S BEST BEHAVIOUR AT BRIDGE INITIATIVE REALLY TAKES OFF........

Table 7 :( Friday ) 7.32 pm

South : That psyche of yours really undid us.....just like it did on the board before !

East : Oh.... I'm so sorry.....but it's a gadget I love to employ against players like you

South : That's nice

East : Yes...I am very careful to use psyches only against players I have utmost respect for

South : Thank you for being so complimentary

East : No......thank you for being so accommodating

Table 7 : 7.36 pm

South : Why....you've just gone and done it again. Another top through an outrageous psyche.

East : Yes....the best one ever

South : Well, it certainly bamboozled my partner and I

East : Indeed....in fact that one would have fooled even international grand masters

South : Thank God for that......I was beginning to think I was a numpy

East : No way.....you're a far better player than the average numpty

South : You're so kind....

Table 9 : 8.27 pm

North : Oh please forgive me....I think I may have revoked on trick 4

East : Well, since my partner and I didn't notice it....we'll pretend it didn't happen

North : That's very sporting of you, I must say

East : Well, it cancels out the deliberate revoke I made against you on an earlier board

North : Guess that evens things out then

East : It sure does....

Table 5 : 9.08 pm

South : Look what you have done....you've shot me in the leg

West : I'm so so sorry.....I did aim to miss

South : Well, I'm glad my leg took the bullet then ....otherwise there would have been a nasty hole in this lovely new carpet

West : My God....you're right....thanks for that

South : No problem....

Table 2 : 9.37 pm

East :...... DOUBLE

South : PASS

West : Now now partner.....that's not nice doubling their slam when I'm sitting here holding a fist full of trumps. I think you should take that bid back ........Is that alright with you North ?

North : Yes, absolutely

West : So that's it then.....6H is the contract....... undoubled

South : You're a saint

West : Yes....I do like to think so

Table 4 : 10.15 pm

East : Oh dear...I thought the TD would have given the decision our way

South : Sorry....that was never going to happen. He's a very good friend of ours

East : How nice.....it must be so useful to have friends in high places

South : Indeed it is

Table 6 : 10.17 pm

North : Well done you two..... such marvellous skill and ruthless efficiency shown there, in the way you capitalised on my partner's four unfortunate errors in his declarer play

East : Yes...we both feel really bad about it. Taking gifts without giving something back makes us feel cheap and nasty. Indeed, we are deeply embarrassed at having to take a top in such sad and tragic circumstances

North : You're so gracious...

Table 5 : 10.22 pm

West : Oh no partner....what can I say....I've gone off in grand slam simply because I took the finesse at trick 10 the wrong way

North : That must have hurt you a great deal

West : Yes....it jolly well did

North : Well....would you like to play the last 4 tricks again and this time guess right on the finesse

West : That would be mavellous....if that's alright with you

North : Of course it is.....I hate to see a grown man cry

NEWS FLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON IMPOSES THE EBU'S BEST BEHAVIOUR AT BRIDGE POLICY AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC

Contrary to all expectations shocked and stunned club members found themselves playing bridge under the EBU's recommended code of conduct. Bigot had insisted that civility, politeness and consideration for others was the only way forward to promote bridge as a no-fear, friendly, social game. So why not sit back and feast yourself on this random selection of conversation snippets recorded at club's most recent Thursday night duplicate.

Table 4 : 7.45 pm

East : Tell me , sir, what have you got in your hand ?

South : Oh .... you really want to know ?

East : Yes

South : Well....here....take a good look....I really wouldn't you want to strain your neck and injure yourself .

East : How thoughtful of you.....a true gentleman indeed

Table 7 : 8.05 pm

East : So North....what have you got to say now ?

North : I'm so sorry....I really am.....please accept my humble apologies....I had no right whatsoever to strike your iron fist with my delicate brittle-boned nose

Table 9 : 8.17 pm

South : That convention you used.......is it on your system card ?

West : No..

South : Oh ... well , please don't report me to the TD for causing you such embarrassment

West : Would dream of it.....

South : Thank you....thank you......I won't bother you again

Table 8 : 9.00 pm

West : How did you know to play the Ace dropping my singleton king ....with 7 cards missing in the suit ?

South : That decision was easy....I couldn't help but overhear the conversation about this hand when it was played earlier on the next table

West : Now that's what I call seizing an opportunity, staying focused and alert....the hallmarks of a truly great player

Table 6 : 9.47 pm

North : Sorry partner that double of theirs proved very costly indeed

South : Oh...you mustn't concern yourself one jot....minus 1100 is nothing....any other bid from you might well have cost us far more

North : Thank you ...you're so understanding

Table 11 : 9.55 pm

East : Did I hear correctly ? You called me a rabbit ?

West : Yes I did....but why do you ask ?

East : Well...I don't normally get compliments about my long slender years, and my ability to mimic small cuddly pets

West : Well, what else could I say ?

Table 3 : 10.15 pm

East : May I take my bid back ?

South : Of course....I have no problem with that

East : Oops....I think I've made another incorrect bid ......may I take this one back as well ?

South : By all means

East : Christ....I've done it again...oh dear.....I just don't know what bid to make ?

South : Allow me to have a look at your hand.... ah, I see your problem.....perhaps your best bid is to pass and await developments

East : Thank you...thank you..........PASS

South : No...thank you...this passed out hand has given us a complete top

East : Well, you clearly deserved it for being so forgiving and helpful

JUST IMAGINE IF THE EBU WAS ASKED TO DRAW UP A " BEST BEHAVIOUR AT FOOTBALL " CODE....... ( Article by Carp )

....

....

" Football is an extremely enjoyable game. Courteous behaviour is an exceptionally important part of that enjoyment even when crippled by a vicious opponent, booked or sent off by the referee, or given off-side when the goal scoring run was timed to perfection.

This guide serves as a brief reminder of how to behave on the football pitch. We are sure that all players naturally follow this code of conduct, but there are times when concentration and pressure can take their toll, and it is for these situations that we issue this as a reminder.

1. Greet all the opposition players in a friendly manner prior to start of each half .

2. Be a good host, helping opponents back onto their feet if they come off worse following their lunging two-footed tackles from behind.

3. Make up your mind which side of the goal you intend to shoot at and indicate to the opposition goal-keeper what decision you have come to.

4. Make football enjoyable for yourself, opponents and officials. Try to see the funny side of having a good goal disallowed, an unjust penalty awarded against you, or seeing team mates sent off for innocuous fouls.

5. Congratulate your opponents whenever they score a goal, earn a penalty, free-kick, corner or throw-in.

6. Take care to keep yourself clean at all times, ensuring that your shirt stays neatly tucked into your shorts, and socks regularly pulled up.

7. Ensure that you don't shout on the pitch, or get the crowd too excited, so that noise levels can be kept low.

8. Enjoy getting along with your opponents irrespective of their desire to trample all over you.

Remember that it is rude to criticise opponents even when they foul and cheat their way to victory. Moreover it is very ungentlemanly to be less than polite on the pitch, to indulge in any kind of goal-scoring celebrations, or to challenge the decisions of biased referees and linesmen.

As in all games that our governed by rules and regulations, bad behaviour will be penalized.....

If a player on the pitch behaves in an unacceptable manner, the Football Association Disciplinary Director needs to be notified immediately. Screaming out in pain from unfair challenges, making disparaging remarks about victimisation, and/or bullying by your opponents, not to mention any other conduct which might interfere with the other side's enjoyment of the game will violate the Law 74A. Law 91 A gives the referee the authority to make any award he likes to the opposition, and to impose the severest penalties on those who show dissent. These can include immediate yellow or red cards ( some of which may be marked with a large black spot ). These will then be followed up by lengthy bans, where one's future participation in any aspect of football may be put at risk. "

...

...

English Bridge Union in partnership with the Football Association 2011.

PROVOCATION IN BRIDGE : REBECCA SEES RED

Dear Readers,

In law when offenders say have been found guilty of domestic violence, the defence will appeal to the judge for a lenient sentence based on two key mitigating factors.

The first being that the defendant is a person of positive good character, and that his " bad behaviour " was completely out of character. The second factor ( which often links into the first ) is that the defendant was provoked to such an extent, a reasonable person would have responded and reacted in the same way.

Provocation is often used to incite others to lose control. In the context of a bridge club it appears in the guise of a repeated verbal assaults, a particular nasty form of psychological bullying. Players who set out to provoke others are in my view cowardly, nasty, sadistic and mean. Since many are extremely practiced in this dark art using clever, devious and subtle ways of inciting others to " go overboard ", their malicious intent is cannot be denied.

Rattling, goading, needling, baiting and unnerving players is often a tactic to unsettle vulnerable opponents. This can be very effective is establishing that all important competitive edge. For instance if an unscrupulous player sees his next opponent as one who loathes and objects to psyches, then this is the perfect opportunity to stick one in on the first board they play. Whatever the outcome the rattled opponent will not stay calm and collected for the remaining boards. Moreover, there is every likelihood when he/she gets angry, a complaint will go in about his/her behaviour, compounding their distress and inability to think straight.

When committees hear complaints about explosive outbursts, those charged with disciplinary breaches will often claim they were provoked. Yet I ask myself, how many of their claims are fully investigated and taken into account as mitigating factors ? Are those responsible for the provocation ever brought before the committee to face disciplinary charges ? I think not !

Players who indulge in clever, devious and subtle provocation are all to often allowed to get away with it. They rarely get into trouble, and if questioned deny all responsibility. Proving malicious intent is difficult. As a result the full force of zero tolerance sanctions are directed at those who responded badly to provocation, .......but never at the perpetrators. Such injustice.

Kahlil Gibran , a great poet, philosopher and prophet , made some very profound and revealing observations about human behaviour, which all of us should to take on board :

- " The guilty is oftentimes the victim of the injured "

- " And still more often the condemned (man) is the burden bearer for the guiltless and unblamed "

Indeed, what he is alluding to is the notion that the wrongdoer is in reality the victim of crimes committed by those who claim that an injustice has been done against them. If for instance a bridge player violently reacts to yet further cheating or slow play tactics by opponents , is he not the victim of two far greater crimes ? Has he not become the burden bearer for those who, in the minds of misguided onlookers, appear guiltless and unblamed ?

Therefore, it is my contention that many who fall foul of zero tolerance policies are victims of crimes committed against them. Victims of provocation. Victims of psychological bullying. And although two wrongs don't make a right, some tolerance and understanding needs to be applied when acknowledging the mitigating circumstances surrounding their alleged misconduct. However, what is far more important is that zero tolerance policies should target those who are the root cause of unpleasant incidents at the table.....players who, by inciting others to sin, commit a far greater one.

Yours fighting for justice, Rebecca

THE EBU'S BEST BEHAVIOUR AT BRIDGE CODE : REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS OUT AGAIN

Dear Readers,

While I'm at it....... I need to say a few words about the EBU's guide to making bridge a more friendlier and enjoyable experience.

The main objective of their BB@B initiative is to get rude, objectionable, highly critical, sharp-tongued players to change their ways. The code attempts to remind them that good behaviour should be based on civility , politeness and consideration towards others. It stresses the importance of friendly greetings, being a good host, smiling, congratulating others, turning out well groomed, switching off mobiles and engaging in social chi-chat. In contrast the code states that gloating, objecting, disputing and arguing are all forms of unacceptable behaviour.

BUT WHERE THE HELL IN THIS SO CALLED BEST BEHAVIOUR CODE ARE REFERENCES TO WHAT I CALL EVEN MORE APPALLING BEHAVIOUR IN BRIDGE ?

There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that these unmentioned kinds of appalling behaviour are the very triggers which cause the bad behaviour the EBU seeks only only to address. Indeed, bad behaviour as they define it wouldn't occur at all , if the real villains were cracked down upon first. These are ones who commit acts of the worst, most heinous kind, which no one but me seems bothered about. Outrageous behaviour like.....

- cheating

- unethical table antics

- coffee-housing

- making condescending and patronising remarks/gestures

- SLOW PLAY

- fidgeting, finger strumming, humming

- plus other irritating mannerisms/habits

- adopting an air of lordly superiority, self-importance and arrogance

- (partners) playing like complete lunatics or fools

- (partners) hogging the bidding and refusing to count/watch the cards played

These examples all represent forms of highly provocative behaviour, which by any definition is unforgivable. By triggering negative emotions and reactions in others, how can it be right to condemn these poor highly sensitive victims for responding in an instinctive and natural way. To target them as " the baddies " makes a mockery of the EBU code. The wrong people hare being targeted, allowing the real culprits of bad behaviour to continue their foul practices with impunity.

What a travesty ! So if the EBU really wants to see an improvement in behaviour at clubs and tournament venues, then they need to recognise the root cause of the problem ...... namely THE MASTERS OF PROVOCATION.

Yours forever blunt and forever Rood

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES : REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS HER MIND

Dear Readers,

Zero Tolerance ( Best Behaviour ) Policies should be scrapped. They're a load of bollocks. Ever since they've been introduced into bridge clubs , the previous high octane atmosphere and buzz one loved to experience in such places has gone. Everyone now goes around politely smiling and talking to one another, adopting false facades and banal platitudes.

So yes, zero tolerance policies have targeted intolerant players, who in their defence are innocent victims of their own impatience , impetuousness, sharp wit and blunt honesty. These initiatives have regrettably led to an avalanche of fines, temporary suspensions and expulsions. Colourful, witty, highly entertaining, larger-than-life characters have now been reduced to white, mouse-like, shadows of their former selves, unable to say boo to a goose. It's too horrible to see !

But what really sticks in my craw is the fact that " zero tolerance " is in itself the most blatant form of intolerance going. People who dreamt up and/or enforce thess policies are completely intolerant of those who they claim are intolerant of others. How can it be right to condemn intolerance with intolerance. If clubs want players to show more tolerance to those who play at the pace of a snail, make foolish and idiotic mistakes, and engage in a raft of unethical practices, then why not re-educate them to handle their frustration, anger and despair in a more civilised way.

Jesus, as I recall, one remarked " let he who is without sin cast the first stone ". Well, hard-nosed, unforgiving enforcers of zero tolerance clearly don't take this view on board. Neither do they take into account any mitigating circumstances for the player's Human Condition. The policy is extreme in that it is both unreasonable and cruel, which in turn makes it a sin in itself.

Indeed, I have real sympathy for someone who has been needled and provoked by others ( who I might add always escape scott free ) only to be singled out as the guilty transgressor. Slow players, for instance, who have an uncanny knack of causing other players to explode are far more guilty of " intolerance of others ". They don't give a damn about how they ruin the game for all concerned, how much time they steal from others , and how much all round frustration they cause. No....these soporific, thoughtful, quiet, harmless types get away with blue murder, while the player who gives them a right mouthful gets singled out as the wrongdoer.

And on a final point, I have never seen zero tolerance policies in operation in any other institution. Why just look at the Catholic church in Ireland which for years allowed paedophilia to run rampant behind closed doors, closed minds and closed ranks. If a church like that can tolerate that vile and disgusting criminal behaviour, then what's the big deal about a frustrated player calling his hopeless, mistake-ridden partner " a complete prat " .

Yours refreshingly Rood

...

(ps. would anyone care to comment for once ? )

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO GET YOU EXCITED...... ( Claims panting Pun )

• No Way Can He Make This Grand Slam........... Ivor Haart Wynner
• My Partner's A Saint........................................Avery Goodman
• My My That Was A Close Call...........................Cy A. Raleefe
• What Two Professionals Needing Sponsors?.....Hiram Quigley
• Some Players Can Be Really Prickly.................Rose Thorn
• I'm At The Top Of My Game.............................Luke Ken Sharpe
• We've Got A Lot Of Ground To Make Up...........Hilda Clyme
• Some Bastards Keep Pissing In My Pond..........Gordon Gnomes
• My Partner's Forever Day Dreaming................Edina Cloud
• Yes , You Pay To Play with Me.........................Ima Hoare

WHY ARE BRIDGE PLAYERS SO GRUMPY ?........ ( Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi investigates )

Some commentators say it is " an age thing ", in that the older we get the grumpier we seem to become. Bridge unfortunately happens to be a game which attracts and appeals to older players, and it is not surprising therefore to see grumpiness on an unprecedented scale inside bridge clubs the world over.

The theory is that by the age of 50, bridge players have already endured enough disappointments in their lives to last them a life-time. Their threshold limits have been reached. The next disappointment will the straw which breaks the camel's back. They allow subsequent disappointments, no matter how small or insignificant, to ignite explosive outbursts fuelled by irritation, frustration and anger. They become unable to handle the annoyances , absurdities, and bullshit that come their way when alleged misdemeanours are voiced at the table, or perhaps later on when the end-of-board post mortems get out of control. In truth they develop inability to cope with the bizarreness that defines the world of bridge .

Indeed, some researchers claim that grumpiness in bridge players is a clinical syndrome. They seem to possess a natural predisposition to be grumpy. This means that the constant exposure to others, who persistently moan about and berate everything and everybody, simply " triggers " this latent and dormant tendency into full blown whinging.

Another theory centres upon the idea that bridge players seem unable to suffer fools gladly. Fools who forget what's on their system card, fools who believe in magical thinking, fools to like to hand out gifts to undeserving opponents.........complete prats in fact, who have to be suffered but never with a smile. Moreover, when players have a burning desire to point out the nakedness of all those emperors , who parade around in large numbers in their bridge club sanctuaries, it is inevitable that grumpy, snide remarks come thick and fast, savage and sharp .

However my research has nailed the fundamental albeit underlying cause of grumpiness for once and for all. It is firmly based on the hypothesis that grumpiness in bridge players is in direct correlation with the degree of disappointment, despair and frustration they experience during play. These feelings are in turn based on the sense of " unmet expectations ". If any of their expectations are not met, the greater the need to express their negative feelings through biting criticism and verbal abuse......along side other acts of petulant and grumpy behaviour.

The sad fact is that bridge players, by and large, enter competitive arenas full of hope and expectation. They expect partners to play to their full potential. They expect of themselves to have an error free session and to play perfect bridge. They expect opponents to behave ethically , to be gracious in victory or defeat, to hand out a few gifts now and again, and not to benefit from crass mistakes they make in their bidding or play. They expect ( often foolishly ) the cards to be lying exactly where they want them , or need them, to be. Therefore, given there are so many unrealistic expectations, the likelihood of them all being met is zero. This in turn means that when 50% or more are unmet, the list of things to moan about becomes so overwhelming the recorded level of grumpiness goes completely off the Richter scale.

In extreme cases, hard-nosed grumpy bridge players fail to cope with even the smallest unfulfilled expectation. Each disappointment adds fuel to a fire already out of control. What others often see is the physical containment of a seething cauldron of irritation and frustration, which only requires just one more tiny bit of provocation to cause feelings to boil over into something very ugly indeed.

Can zero tolerance best behaviour policies suppress grumpiness , or even possibly eradicate it, from the bridge arenas, I just don't know ? But what I do know is that no one has ever been able to keep a lid on a boiling pot. The secret is to release the pressure that builds up in a careful and controlled manner. This is why I have always been a big advocate of supplying bridge players , especially those with grumpy dispositions, with muffle cushions. Players can be take them out into the corridors, and placed over their mouths the moment they need to scream out in pain.

BEHIND THE SCENES AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC AS PERCY PANTOPOD TRIES TO GET REINSTATED..........

At few months ago at the AGM, Percy had been kicked out of the club for good, but he refused to accept his expulsion lying down. Bigot was then mortified when he heard that Percy intended to appeal against the committee's decision , as was his right under the club's existing but flawed constitution. Unable to rig the ballot to get Ronnie and Reggie on board, Bigot realized that the five randomly selected panelists were in obvious need of expert guidance and advice to deal with this very difficult and onerous task .

So for their benefit and welfare, the kind and considerate chairman laid down the following rules, which he hoped of course would negate any chance of Percy being reinstated as a club member :

1. All panelists must take an oath of allegiance, which reads as follows : The committee's decisions are always right. Long live Bigot and his wonderful committee. Down with anyone who even dares to challenge any of its rulings.

2. You must pull out every stop to deny the appellant's right, or wish, to be legally represented, especially if he/she is looking to enlist the services of someone who knows the score.

3. You must also deny the appellant's right to have anyone else present, who might be able to offer assistance in terms of legal knowledge and moral support.

4. Even if the appellant is mentally retarded in any way, or has the intellectual capacity and wit of a child, rules 2 and 3 will still apply.

5. Once we get the errant member presenting his/her own case, you are duty bound to reach the conclusion that his/her bad behaviour will resurface again at the hearing. Any continued criticism and condemnation of the committee will be clear proof of their rebellious tendencies, which cannot help but undermine and invalidate arguments he/she is relying upon .

6. There will be no need to question any of the witnesses brought by the appellant, because you are under no duty whatsoever to take any of their submissions into account. Clearly, if they are on his/her side then they are all liars.

7. You must ignore all the arguments, contentions, opinions, and conclusions made by the appellant's witnesses. In an ideal set up, you must insist they make only statements of fact, which of course pose far less of a threat than any logical interpretation of them.

8. You must at all times replace any notion of fairness, impartiality, and objectivity with prejudice, bias and subjectivity ( in favour of the committee ).

9. You must always remember that in hearings of this kind, there is an irrefutable presumption that the appellant has no valid grounds on which to challenge the committee's rulings. However, you must do your utmost to give the impression that you have (a) listened attentively, and (b) given a decision based on careful consideration and analysis of the facts .

10. You must not permit any hearsay evidence whatsoever to be introduced by the appellant or his/her witnesses. The fact that the original complaint to the committee was based on hearsay evidence is completely irrelevant, and should therefore be ignored.

11. You must strive like crazy to end the hearing within 30 minutes, looking to adopt the same abruptness, ruthless efficiency, and " cut and dried " approach as the committee did at the original disciplinary hearing, when they without hesitation upheld the complaint and implemented an appropriate punishment.

12. You must adopt the position that the only rules that count are the ones written into the club's constitution and regulations. Strip from your mind the notion that rules of natural justice apply in situations like this. Its the machinery of process that matters, not the manner or way in which that process is carried out.

13. Under the club's about-to-be-revised constitution and regulations, " any actions " which undermine the good work put in by the chairman ( and his loyal committee ) shall be regarded as gross misconduct, subjecting all those responsible to instant reprisals and ultimate expulsion from the club. This essential change will also have retrospective effect.

14. Before taking up your posts on the panel, you are required to give Ronnie and Reggie your names and addresses, along with accurate details of the whereabouts and movements of your close family and friends.

A REALLY TRUE STORY.................... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

I hate cheats but sadly the game of bridge is plagued by them. Thankfully, only a few players set out with deliberate intent, but this simply means the large majority remain blissfully unaware that their unethical behaviour is tantamount to cheating. All these players need a salutary lesson or two in How To Become A Truly Ethical Player , and who better to demonstrate the true meaning of ethical play than Alvin Roth.

This particular bridge story, without doubt, provides a benchmark for all of us to judge ourselves by, and of course to judge others. Alvin found himself defending 7NT in a high stake money game. The hand focussed upon the heart suit in a 3 card ending, with declarer (South) holding AJ10 opposite dummy's Kxx. Alvin , who was sitting East, held the all important queen.

Declarer started by leading the jack from his own hand. West then went into an Oscar winning performance of tortured indecision in an attempt to make South think he had the critical card......before eventually playing low. South, taken in by this amazing theatrical performance, also played low................ AS DID ALVIN !

When Alvin's crestfallen partner realised that Alvin did have the queen after all, and that the grand slam could have been defeated, he rounded on him like a man ready to kill . " Why in God's name didn't you take the trick when you had a chance ? "

The ethical man thought for a moment before replying. His softly spoken words however still carried a polite hint of criticism. " Oh, I'm so sorry.....but you totally convinced me that you had the queen......so naturally I figured the one I was holding must have been a figment of my imagination ".

BIGOT-JOHNSON TURNS HIS HAND TO POETRY.........

....

Who Would Be A Blogger ?

....

God, I flabbergasted

Two years blogging

And still only a few

Bother to read my stuff

Yet....

Arn't my views

As interesting

And revealing

As the next man's

So what the hell is it

With bridge players ?

Too frightened

To emege from pits

Of self denial ?

To face the truth

About themselves

And the crazy

Bizarre world

They've created

So yes

I can live

With the fact

I have few followers

I get no comments

Being all alone

In cyberspace

Nevertheless

This nobody

Is still determined

To plough on

Regardless

Striving

To expose THE TRUTH

About this world of bridge

One that has always been

And always will be

Stranger than fiction

ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE ..... ( By Dr.Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

.....

Pain

....

Have you ever experienced pain

Pain that hurts

Really hurts

Pain that makes you want to scream

Out loud

Several times

Pain that rips you apart

Head splitting

Heart piercing

Because let me tell you

I had that experience

The other day

At the Corwen Pairs

When all I needed

To come in first

Was for my partner

To stay focussed

And to hold his nerve

But no

He decided to go walkabout

Butchering contracts

And in the process

Carved me up

Into tiny little pieces

LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BC ( 2011 )

( In this civil law case, Bigot sued for breach of an implied term, one which required the club to send him a membership renewal form before the start of the next calendar year. Claiming that the club never sent him this document , Bigot was unable to renew his membership in time . This resulted in the committee taking the view that he had resigned from the club by his own act of omission. Forced then to re-apply as a new member, Bigot was completely taken back when his application was rejected. Although the plaintiff on this occasion, Bigot decided as usual to represent himself. In the following extract from the trial's transcript, we see Bigot questioning the club's recently appointed chairman, arch-enemy Percy Pantopod . )

B-J : Percy........ is it true to say I have been an active member for over 20 years ?

Percy : Yes....more is the pity

B-J : And in all those years did I renew my membership always on time .....everytime ?

Percy : Yes... more is the pity.................except of course for this year

B-J : So what happened to my renewal letter.... which I might add......... I never received ?

Percy : How the hell do I know......it went out with all the others on the same day. And if by remote chance it failed to arrive on your doorstep, then you should have made immediate enquiries

B-J : Oh....but how was I to know it was never coming ? Anyway, did I not..... just before the closing date..... leave a cheque behind the bar for the correct subs amount

Percy : Yes....I do recall seeing that cheque, but without the renewal form it had no purpose or validity.....so we simply ripped it up

B-J : You lot must think I'm stupid...... I know damn well you've set me up, but the law is on my side. The club is clearly in breach of contract for denying me my right and opportunity to renew my membership on time. For in contract law, non-performance.......being the non-delivery of the renewal letter..... is a serious matter. Moreover, my subsequent silence can never be construed as (a) proof that I received the renewal letter, or (b) proof that I intended to resign. Acts of omission are by definition completely ambiguous. Moreover my cheque behind the bar was clear proof of my intent to remain a member for another year.

Percy : Rules are rules....and you didn't renew your membership in time.....so there !

Judge : I've heard enough to realize that Bigot, despite being a pariah in this very social and friendly club...... a villian with the most appalling disciplinary record on record......has , in my view, been the victim of a stitch up. The subsequent rejection of his application to join as a new member suggests that this is clearly the case. It seems to me that the club has cleverly used the membership renewal rules to get rid of Bigot, without ever having to go through a long protracted disciplinary process........... which can of course be extremely tortuous, difficult and painful for all those involved. Consequently, I have no choice but to accept his argument that the club acted wrongly, and was in breach of contract. This means he is entitled to an appropriate remedy, being a decree of specific performance. Therefore, he must be reinstated as a member ...... with nothing to pay..... since he has already paid his subs by cheque.

Percy : We will appeal !

Bigot : Hold on..... what about some damages ?

Judge : There are none for the likes of you ....

B-J : Bugger...... I was hoping to refurbish my own bridge club from the proceeds of this masterful coup ....which only a genius like me could pull off.......ah well, at least I can still go to the Walnut Tree for an odd night or two of mischief making

THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB IMPOSES A STRICT UNIFORM DRESS CODE ON ITS MEMBERS

( In a packed club house Bigot-Johnson, dressed in a white suit with a red tie, rose from his gilt-edged chair to address the membership about his latest initiative. A full transcript of the speech apears below. )

" Members......from this point on .....new club rules about dress will be strictly implemented. Uniforms are back in vogue. Every man will be required to wear a brown , dark blue or black jacket with a matching shirt or tie.......depending of course upon his status within the club. The jacket will display the club emblem ......... two cattle hanging upside down with their necks cut.......on the breast pocket.

Because let's face it...... does anyone here in this room think it's a good idea to turn up to the club wearing exactly what they please ? Just look at yourselves..........not only are you lot a joke.... like waifs and strays with no dress sense whatsoever.......but the general level of scruffiness has clearly sunk to the level of a common guttersnipe. This place looks more like a refuge for the homeless.

So let's now examine why uniforms are a damn good idea. They are symbolic of good breeding and class.........not to mention power and elitism. Just take the finest schools in our country today......Eton, Winchester, Harrow.....and see whether they wear a uniform or not. They do. And lots of it. And they represent the best talent this country can produce......people who go onto to become prominent politicians, high-fliers, business moguls, and captains of Gentlemen Club bridge teams.

Wearing club regalia will therefore turn this place into something special .........an institution you can brag and boast your membership of....... enabling you to go about your daily humdrum lives with a spring in your step. Naturally, if you walk around together sporting your club outfits. I would prefer you to walk in step with heads held high.

However, I do need to point out that only the punishment officers are allowed to wear black jackets.

Why is that you may ask? Well, how are the rest of us to know who they are if they do not stand out from the rest. Indeed how would they know, who they are and what role they have to undertake, if they can't distinguish themselves from the ordinary riff raff members. Uniforms help promote respect for authority, rules and one's superiors.

So finally let me give you 3 more good reasons why it becomes essential for you to accept and adopt this new uniform dress code.

One : It will promote within the club a sense of identity and team spirit.

Two : It prevents discrimination between members on the grounds of their class and economic differences. This means that the only permitted discrimination is limited to the status and roles you have within the club's hierarchy.

Three : Having already purchased batch consignments of these jackets and shirts from the far east I need to recoup my investment as soon as possible if I'm to make a killing. No one is allowed to leave this room without first placing an order over by the desk, where Ronnie and Reggie are seated .....both, I might add, looking a picture in their black jackets, dark shirts and white ties.

MORE CLASSIC BRIDGE BOOKS REVIEWED BY PUN.......

Now That Lady Really Can Play Bridge ..............by Sheila Mazeyer is a book full of wonderful hands, in which the author proves beyond doubt the peerless ability of Rixi Marcus. Every hand reveals her remarkable ability to the spot dangers that might exist , and the measures that must be taken to overcome them. Indeed, in some of the more exquisite hands, we see Rixi using counter-counter measures to combat the clever counter measures, which more able opponents employed to create even more threats . The fascination of these titanic cat-and-mouse battles makes this book a connoisseur's delight.

That Play Was Truly Spectacular ...................... by Major Luke Twice is one of the most readable bridge books I have ever come across. The hands which the author researched and selected are all truly outstanding. Each one involves players who opted to make very unusual bids, and bizarre plays, to cause bemused onlookers and kibitzers alike to lose their breath, and sigh in disbelief. Decisions taken at the table seemed both daring and imaginative, but reflective analysis showed they were logically sound and completely spot on. Clearly, the players involved possessed those rare qualities of vision, intuition, instinct, and speed of thought, which simply add up to one thing : sheer genius.

Things You Must Never Do At The Table .................... by Misty Meanor is an amusing collection of stories, where errant players were found guilty of all kinds of wrongdoing. Some of their errors were seemingly innocent, others negligent, with a fair number deservedly classified as darn right deliberate and mischievous. The author splits the book up into various sections, which look into mechanical errors, rule violations, and departures from convention card agreements. Culprits in each section not only include declarer and defenders but also dummy, who on numerous occasions forgets to play " dead ". All in all, the stories introduce and remind the reader about the ethics and etiquette of the game, providing so much food for thought. Whether one is amused or amazed by these strange and bizarre tales, this book guarantees a thoroughly entertaining read to both beginners and experts alike.

BIGOT-JOHNSON SURVIVES VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE : PUN SPEAKS UP ON HIS BEHALF

A week ago another attempt was made to unseat Bigot-Johnson from the post of chairman at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. It appeared that many of the rank and file members were alarmed and distressed, over the sudden and unexplained disappearance of the reverend Dr. Willoughby Shott.

An urgently convened EGM called for Bigot's resignation, if a vote of no confidence went their way. However, the anti-Bigot campaign was thwarted in its tracks, when Pun came to his defence. His stirring speech in suppport of his chairman won the day, and a crucial extract from it can be seen below.

" Bigot-Johnson has always been a man who rises to every occasion.......a fine upstanding member of this club and community. Granted.....he can give his partners a real hard time if they don't come up to scratch......because let's face it ........Bigot is a man who, in any bridge competition, loves to be in pole position.........yet conversely he always claims to derive more satisfaction and pleasure....... when coming from behind to win.

As chairman he is ...... I agree ......a stickler for getting his own way. His comings and goings have often been met with disapproval and objections.......but who can condemn a man who sticks rigidly to his principles and beliefs ?

And yes.......there have been several instances where has made some rather unfortunate cock ups, but let me remind you that running a club of this size can be very hard and time-consuming work. Some of the issues he has had to deal with have been bones of contention for all of us.

But do we ever see him down-hearted or dejected ? No....because whenever we see him he stands proud and erect....firmly in control of his feelings. He is not a man who buckles or goes limp. His resolve is as stiff and unbreakable as a pillar of stone. So I implore you....keep this man on as Chairman...... "

BIGOT-JOHNSON

HAS ALWAYS BEEN

MORE THAN

CAPABLE OF

HOLDING HIS OWN

IN THE WORLD

OF COMPETITIVE

BRIDGE

......

IN FACT HE HAS

BEEN MANAGING

TO HOLD HIS OWN

EVER SINCE HE

WAS ABANDONED

AS A 4 YEAR OLD

CHILD OUTSIDE

THE LOCAL COUNCIL

ORPHANAGE

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT CHANGED THE GAME FOREVER.....( Research by Pun )

• Placing The Blame On Others............................Xavier Onassis
• There's No Need To Tell Her Off........................Lee Verbee
• You Sir, Have Bid Out Of Turn Again...............Susan Orty-Boyden
• So What If I'm No Good At Bridge......................Iona Faskar
• One Day Victory Will Come............................Helen Highwater
• Partner, We Can Win This Competition...........Daryll Beaderday
• Look At What I've Got, Partner....................Ivor Wright-Stonker
• That Player Is A Cheating Dog.....................Ed Turner
• Partner, I Can't Keep My Eyes Open................Flo Tinaway
• Pleasing Partner Will Get Its Rewards.............Briony Points

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER DEDICATES ONE OF HIS FINEST POEMS TO BIGOT-JOHNSON......... and any other desperately sad, hard-done-to, bridge wannabe

..

Entitled " Longing "

..

I have always wanted to be a winner

Honest to God

What I would give

To see me and my partner

Floating down that holy aisle

Leading to the stage

Where we would collect our trophy

And loads of spondoolies

To loud and rapturous applause

Please God

Just For once

Let me be a winner

Because if you do

I would swear on my mother's grave

Not to shout out

" About fucking time "

Neither would I laugh

In the stricken faces

Of the runners up

But I would

As sure as hell

Snatch that trophy

With both hands

To stroke it

Caress it

And kiss it

A thousand times over

As if it was

Marilyn Monroe's

Very own

Furry cup

FIRST THERE

WAS " POOR

BRIDGE OF

THE WEEK "

...

BUT NOW

THERE'S BIGOT-

JOHNSON'S

EXCITING NEW BRIDGE

MAGAZINE

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

( For readers who enjoy reading bridge articles laced with great humour , poor bridge of the week and poorbridge.com are well worth checking out )