YET ANOTHER AMAZING BUT TRUE STORY.....( By Bridgemeister Gibson ) 


A psychology professor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving out an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression , he asked " How would you diagnose a person who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute , then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next ? A geeky looking young man on the edge of the front row raised his hand and answered " someone who plays bridge ".                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ( USA ) CLAIM THAT THEIR NEW POLICING INITIATIVE HAS BEEN A RESOUNDING SUCCESS 

Under the revamped terms of their sub-zero tolerance policy , uniformed bridge police have been introduced into the club to help the beleaguered directors sort out unruly , foul-mouthed , disrespectful members.
By patrolling the aisles during play , these enforcement officers have proceeded to crack down hard on any member guilty of even whispering an insult , derogatory remark or out-of-order comment at another person in the room. Without any hesitation the bridge police  have frog-marched the culprits away from the playing area only to be given ultimatums : pay an on-the-spot £50 fine , or be unceremoniously chucked out of the club.
If an offender ,  who has already paid one fine, then foolishly repeats the error of his ways later on , the ultimatum now becomes " pay an on-the-spot £100 fine , or be ejected from the club out of a second floor window " .  
Not surprisingly this bold new initiative has been a resounding success. Bridge at the club is currently being played in an atmosphere of total quietness , in which members now behave like pious monks , as though they have been sworn to vows of absolute silence. Moreover , the club has increased its weekly revenue by well over 700% . Indeed , many of the persistent loud-mouthed , nasty-minded reprobates have left the club unable to pay the ever-increasing fines. In one case a particularly gobby member had been ordered to pay £1600 for his sixth offence.  So when he declined to do so ,  the bridge police had no qualms about slinging him off the roof of the building.
As a consequence of this initiative the club is looking into two more money-making initiatives, such as offering insurance for injuries incurred by those who have been slung out ( or off ) the building , along with specialist legal advice on wills.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THE GAME....... ( Like Pun )

• Rudeness At The Tables ?  Call In The Bridge Police................L. O. Hellow
• I'm Going To Report Your Rudeness To The Committee............C. F. I. Kair
• If He Gets Half A Chance He'll Peek At Your Cards..................B. D. Hyde
• Appealing Against The Committee's Decision Is Pointless........Y. B. Bothard
• What !  You Expect The Committee To Reinstate You ?............U. R. Kidding
• You Want Me To Help You Get Back Into This Club ?.................F. N. L. Mann
• As Chairman I've Received Dozens Of Poison Pen Letters.........M. T. Thretts
• What Goes On In This Club I Always Get To Know About.............I. C. Hall
• Many Will Turn Up To The EGM With Only One Objective.............Ray Sinell 
• How Do I Feel When An Expert Outbids And Outplays Me ?........N. V. Forshaw

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

• Ace  :   the name given to a crack flying bridgemate pilot
• Fog of uncertainty : what the average bridge player finds himself in at the table
• Psyche : a bid born out of boredom and/or mischief , which is a complete lie
• Post mortem : a wonderful opportunity to transfer the blame for a wretched board onto your innocent partner
• Partner : one of the three opponents you are up against , always the most formidable and unpredictable
• Claim : a time saving device by which declarer can win all the remaining tricks purely on his/her say so 
• No trump sign off : a fall back denomination when two squabbling players can't agree on a suit contract 
• Mistake : a concept which never applies to experts , who of course can only succumb to minor errors of judgement 
• Flair : a term to describe the pure logic experts employ to successfully play out a hand , which is way beyond the comprehension of the amateurs looking on
• TNT : ( i ) an acronym for the total number of tricks ( ii ) what you would like to ignite under the chair of your inept and hapless partner

FAILING PARTNERSHIPS : KNOWING WHEN TO CALL IT A DAY............. ( Article by Carp )

Many partnerships just like marriages end in divorce on the grounds of an irretrievable breakdown. In some cases players can get through partners on a yearly basis , in the hope and belief that the perfect one will come along tomorrow. Indeed , some short-lived partnerships don't even make it beyond the initial honeymoon period , such is the acute impatience of players who possess huge egos and unrealistic expectations.
However , what is an irrefutable truth is that every partnership has its up and downs.  The majority of players ( thank God ) sensibly realise that these oscillations are inevitable given the way in which the fickle finger of fate can operate. Results at bridge depend far more at what has gone on at other tables rather than what has happened at yours. 
Nevertheless , when results go against you the partnership does come under pressure , and relationships can suffer as a consequence. So is it possible for relationships to sink to such depths where the prospect of recovery is nil ?  Sadly , the answer is yes. This scenario occurs when the relationship is tainted by the foul whiff of contempt. Whether it comes from you , or at you , that is the moment when the partnership is in doomed . This is the moment to call it a day and move on to pastures new.
Contempt is the most corrosive of all emotions. It transcends sarcastic jibes , or cutting remarks such as " partner....you played that hand like a moron " . Moreover , there is no disguising the contempt which is always etched into player's facial expression. Often , this look is accompanied by a brief sneer , followed by an eye roll to complement a tiny almost imperceptible lift of the top lip on the left side of the mouth . The contemptuous sneer therefore is a dead giveaway that the partnership is in its death throes and can never recover. 
Contempt might well manifest itself in thinly disguised albeit witty put downs or acidic humour. At the other extreme ,  contempt will be the bitter icing on a cake laced apocalyptic criticism . Such an attack will be made against the person rather than the ineptness of a particular bid or play of the cards. In each case at its root there is unbridled anger and disdain , where one player attempts to pronounce superiority over the other through actions designed to be mocking and divisive.
Whether a player is dishing it out or is on the receiving end , contempt is a killer. There is nothing else quite so destructive to partnership harmony and mutual respect. It is without doubt an extreme form of verbal and psychological abuse , both belittling and demeaning in every way.
So my advice is this. If you are in a partnership which is already showing signs of negative behaviour  patterns , bail out before contempt sets in. So what if you say goodbye to a cracking good player , your self confidence and sanity must surely come first. Look for a partner who is far more forgiving and accepting of who you are and how you play the game.

EVEN MORE BRIDGE BOOKS FOR OBESE PLAYERS TO FEAST AND GORGE UPON.......( As recommended by Pun )

• My Club Spent A Fortune Just To Get Rid Of Member...................Sacha Horfall-Waist
• My Partner Seems To Drop One Clanger After Another.................Belle Ringer
• I'll Show You How To Make All Thirteen Tricks On This Hand.........Lowen  B. Holde
• What To Do If Someone Accuses You Of Cheating ........................Lyle Ike Adog
• The Day Bigot-Johnson Turned Up To The Club Stark Naked..........Noah Parell
• Before The Start Of Play Everyone Must Recite The ZT Creed.........Dewey Hafter
• Winning At Bridge Requires Going In For The Kill.............................Drew Blood 
• To Stay A Winner Simply Means Going On A Killing Spree.............Andrew Moreblood 
• There's One Player Who I Find Most Intimidating And Scary............Denise Arnocken
• Partner , If You Must Insult Me Then Please Do So Quietly................Danielle Soloud
• ZT Policies Need To Be Robustly And Religiously Enforced.............Bess B. Haver 
• What's Needed To Insult Partner And Amuse All Bystanders............Ray P. R. Whit

MORE OF BIGOT'S DARK AND SINFUL PAST COMES TO LIGHT..........

CAN WE KEEP THE TROPHY PLEASE ?...... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Imagine this scenario : a team representing their country qualify in a regional event for the world championship finals , which as it happens they go on to win. Then it transpires that in the qualifying round one pair had now been exposed as cheats , although they didn't take part in the finals. The team which did take part played with great skill , honesty and integrity and were worthy winners. Should this team be stripped of their title and be forced to return the trophy ?
The answer must be a resounding YES.
No matter how hard it appears to be for the members of the winning team to forfeit their title, imagine how hard it is for the runners up in the qualifier to know that cheating had robbed them of a place in the finals. But the harsh reality is this. If the cheating incidents had come to light before the final , the team would have been disqualified straightaway with the runners up taking their place. Indeed the discredited team  had no legitimate right to participate , because there has to be a fundamental requirement that participation for the finals was honestly earned. So even if the cheating incidents came to light after the finals , then disqualification can and must be RETROSPECTIVELY implemented. In these circumstances all the results involving the discredited team should automatically be made null and void , with new winners duly declared. 
So yes , this particular history book has to be rewritten with the trophy handed back. 
    

BRIDGE BOOKS SO FEW PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ABOUT..... ( Except for Pun of course )

• I Would Never Dare Cheat In Big Tournaments.............................Freida B. N. Court
• Why Do I Always Find Myself In Sticky Situations ?.... ................Mabel Sirrup
• If You Call Me A Cheat Then Suffer The Consequences...............Sue U. Forshore
• Don't Let Countless Bottoms Get You Down................................Troy Ardour 
• Thank God The Club Is Being Run By Sensible People................Lester Worryabout
• What Makes A Partner So Wonderfully Compatible ?...................Dick Fitzwell 
• This Is The Second Time He's Denied Being A Cheat..................Eli Dagane
• Why Is It That Members Call Me A Snivelling Wretch ?..................Ron . E. Nose
• What Does It Matter If You Keep On Losing ?................................Carrie Henri-Gardless
• Partnering Top Class Players Is So Rewarding.............................Benny Fishall
• OK Then  Partner I'll Tell You What's On My Mind !.........................Barry McCokinue 
• Yes Director He Did Insult The Oppo But Then He Scarpered........Sawyer Cummin 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED......................

• Calamity :  a painful reminder that incurring 800+ penalty doubles are far more costly than letting the opponents quietly make their vulnerable games
• Bore : a player who loves the sound of his/her voice
• Congratulations : hollow and insincere words of praise offered to the winners by the grief stricken desperately unlucky runners up
• Chairman : a ingenious devil who covers secretly made decisions with the pretence of arriving at them through open discussion and debate during a full committee meeting
• Letter of complaint : an opportunity to knife someone in the back by alleging a wrongdoing which was in fact engineered by the complainant him/herself : an outpouring of venom and hate in writing 
• Accountability : an admirable but missing requirement for those who take up key posts in committee
• Partner : a term associated with being an accomplice to a crime, which usually relates to cheating at the table ( or backing up false allegations outlined in letters of complaint ) 
• Diplomacy : the art of lying to save one's skin by casting the blame elsewhere
• Eavesdropping : an intelligence gathering exercise commonly used by unscrupulous bridge players who seek to profit from any loose table gossip about hands just played
• Folly : turning a resolvable dispute into years of protracted litigation , bitter recriminations and crippling unrecoverable costs , leaving the lawyers as the only beneficiaries of such reckless spending 
• Insult : a cutting remark next in degree of enormity to a slight 
• Experience : the wisdom that enables a player to repeat the same mistake again in the belief that this time the anti-percentage odds will be in his/her favour 
• Applause : stage managed responses to grand announcements made by committee officers at AGMs 
• Defamation : what happens when a member seizes an opportunity to lie about another before issuing an apology , which of course has no chance at all of restoring the victim's reputation
• Consultation : an irritating requirement to include the ordinary members in the decision making process. This involves listening to members' disapproval and concerns before adopting a course of action which has already been decided upon months before 

NEWSFLASH :  THIS WEEK'S DISCIPLINARY  HEARING AT THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC HEADQUARTERS SEES BIGOT-JOHNSON BEING TRIED FOR CHEATING

(  The following extract from the hearing's transcript involves the chairman and Bigot-Johnson almost coming to blows in a bitter and acrimonious exchange )

Chairman (C) : Bigot....you're nothing but a despicable cheat !
B-J : Why don't you step outside and repeat that remark
C : No.... I'll stay inside if you don't mind....it's raining
B-J :  You sir are a coward and a tosser , who knows nothing about the game.... having little or no evidence at all to back up these false and scurrilous accusations about my unholy table tactics
C : Oh..... but we do have evidence of your underhand tactics.... because we've got a hand that clearly exposes your cheating shenanigans
B-J : WHAT hand was this ?
C :  Board 13
B-J : Ah yes.....that was the one which effectively won me the trophy. Indeed , I was the only one who managed to take the 6S contract off 
C : Exactly ! And that was all down to the fact that you and your partner were secretly exchanging information about the length of your shortest suits .....especially in relation to having a singleton or void
B-J : Absolute rubbish
C : You were dealt :  A.....AKQxxx....xxxx...xx
B-J : That is correct...
C : And your RHO opened 1D to which you overcalled 2H. Then your LHO doubled , showing the two other suits ,  and although your partner jumped to 4H .... your RHO with a slam in mind bid 4NT. So the moment he discovered that partner held two key cards in the black suits he went straight to 6S  
B-J : Yes...a contract which I promptly DOUBLED !
C : So how come you lead a diamond .....which happened to be the only way this contract could be beat .....by finding partner with a stiff ?
B-J : Yes ....that's what happens when he gets excited...but you do have to admit that lead was purely inspirational 
C : No .....it wasn't inspirational......it was based on unauthorised information passed over to you during the auction . Any sane player would have put the Ace of hearts down if only to get a look a dummy.....and to avoid any risk of partner's honour holding in the minors being swallowed up.
B-J : I didn't like the idea of leading a top heart......especially since I knew declarer would be ruffing it......so the choice was a club or a diamond
C : Then why a diamond......and not a club
B-J : Didn't fancy a club
C : Why was that ?
B-J : Instinct 
C : And why the double ?
B-J : Because 6S wasn't making
C: But how did you know ?
B-J : Instinct
C: Instinct ?
B-J : I can always tell .....or should I say smell......a singleton when it's lurking about
C : Explain
B-J : Well, whenever an opponent bids a suit in which my partner holds a singleton his little pinkie immediately stands upright
C : I've heard enough......you Bigot are banned for cheating.....and partner will also get banned for his outrageous finger signalling  

NEWSFLASH : IN A BOLD ATTEMPT TO NAME AND SHAME LOW DOWN FILTHY CHEATING DOGS , CARP IS ASKING ALL CLUB COMMITTEES AND GOVERNING BODIES TO HAND OUT THESE BLACK EBONY AWARDS TO THOSE DESERVING OF THE FOLLOWING ACHIEVEMENTS :

• The Most Ingenious Signalling Method Ever Devised
• Getting Away With It For So Long
• Die-hard Refusal To Own Up
• Excessive Number Of Trophies Won On The Back Of Unauthorised Information
• Brazen Belligerence In The Face Of Irrefutable Accusations
• Pin Point  Precision Tuning In With Antennae Like Ears
• No One Ever Knowing The Full extent Of Our Nefarious Practices
• Eagle-eyed Long Distance Observations
• Repeated Refusals To Hand Back Ill-gotten Trophies
• Walkabout Surveillance And Information Gathering
• Self Delusion Leading To Perpetual Denial
• Outrageous Contempt For Ethical Rules And Fair Play
• Complete Lack Of Remorse And Repentence
• Dirtiest Cheating Dog Of Them All
• Do I Give A Damn About Any Of This

NEWSFLASH : USING A CLEVER PSEUDONYM THE DESPICABLE BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS BEEN PUBLISHING BOOKS ON HOW TO CHEAT AT BRIDGE FOR YEARS

Even some of the world's best players have used and adopted the infamous cheating methods outlined in careful detail in all of Bigot-Johnson's bridge book publications , categorised and listed as  " under-the-counter non-registered sales ". Indeed this dreadful man has accumulated a vast , tax free fortune from the contents of thousands of brown paper envelopes which came his way. The Sue Denim book titles accredited to this vile and despicable rogue are listed as follows :

• Cheats Never Prosper Except When It Comes To Bridge
• I've Been Cheating For Years And Still Club Members Are None The Wiser
• The Last Person Who Accused Me Of Cheating Got Sued For Millions
• In A Game Where Victory Is Achieved By Small Margins , Cheating Your Way To Three Big Tops Guarantees Success 
• Coughing And Throat Clearing Is A Sickening Good Way To Success
• Cheating Techniques Which Are Impossible To Prove
• How To Overcome The Close Scrutiny Of Video Cameras
• Communicating With Partner Above And Below The Table
• Don't Let Screens Put You Off : Use them To Your Advantage
• Using Your Eyes And Ears To Maximum Effect
• Lip Reading Loose Table Talk Can Reap Great Rewards
• Don't Let Conscience Undermine Your Quest For Success
• If The World's Best Are Using My Methods Then Why Don't You
• Finger Signalling Is A Such A Fun Way To Cheat
• It's Not What You Bid But The Manner And Way In Which You Do it
• Pencil Pointing Your Exact Point Count To Partner
• Timing Is Everything When It Comes To Stand-up Comedy And Bridge
• Avoiding Detection : Alternate Your Cheating Methods Regularly
• Easy To Master Cheating Techniques For Perfect Bidding
• Easy To Master Cheating Techniques For Finding That Devastating Opening Lead
• What's More Satisfying Than Out-Cheating The Cheats 

      

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ( DEDICATED TO THE FOLLY OF LITIGATION )

• Kangaroo court :  a custom and practice adopted and revered by bridge club disciplinary committees
• Justice : an elusive outcome when disciplinary hearings take place
• Internal appeal : a second stab at denying an accused member any semblance of justice
• Mediation : an extremely sensible option in resolving a dispute but one which is viewed by committees with suspicion and mistrust
• Hands down : an offer to end a dispute which proves costly to both parties.  Meanwhile the lawyers get extremely well paid for stringing along their clients with false hopes of success
• Victory : a hollow celebration of success when in reality it is Pyrrhic in nature , given the colossal pain , financial loss and suffering incurred in a long and protracted legal battle
• Obscene : a term used to describe the ridiculously large sums of money paid out to lawyers , who then advise their respective clients to make and accept a hands down offer
• Opportunity cost : the sensible , worthwhile and positive things which could have achieved if the money shelled out on legal fees had been spent more wisely, such is the folly of pursuing litigation
• Look before you leap : a well known proverb which parties to a legal dispute have clearly (a) never heard of , or (b) chosen to ignore
• Flying bridgemate : an electronic scoring device which like a flying albatross is an omen of forthcoming misery and doom
• Foresight : it's what we wished we had in hindsight

BRIDGE BOOKS IN REMEMBRANCE OF A TRIAL THAT NEVER TOOK PLACE....... ( Research by Pun )

•  If You're Happy To End This Dispute , Then So Are We....................Les Shay Connett
• Members Speak Out On This Decision To Cut Losses And Run......Otis Horfall
• How One Member Described This Unexpected Outcome..................Des Asterman
• How Another Member Described This Sad And Sorry Affair.............Dee Backell
• Thank God This Long And Protracted Dispute Is At An End..............Gladys Hallover
•  This Dispute Has Caused Me To Frequently Wet My Pants..............I. P. Hallott
•  We Tried Before To Reach A Pay-Our-Own-Costs Settlement............Noah Vale
•  So What Was This Offer That The Committee Accepted...................Hanz Downe
•  Let's Call An EGM And Declare Ourselves As Winners.....................Victor E. Raleigh
•  Going To Trial Is Like Sailing Blind Into Dangerous Waters..............Di R. Straits
•  No Way Were We Ever Going To Admit Our Mistakes......................Honor B. Blode
•  Let's Look Upon This Dispute With A Smile And A Laugh................May Kay Jokovit
•  Pursuing Litigation Is Nothing More Than A High Stakes Lottery .......Bjorn Toulouse
• As Committee Members There Is Only One Decent Thing To Do........Stan Downe

BACK IN THE BAR ROOM OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC , BIGOT IS GRILLED BY A RATHER ATTRACTIVE LADY.........

Lady : Bigot.....is it true that you gone all out to bed each and every one of your female bridge partners ?
B-J : Indeed Madam that is the case......
Lady : And how successful were you in this quest ?
B-J : Sadly in this game of sport I scored very badly......although I must say that my latest partner was far more obliging than the others
Lady : Well I never.....so please tell me was she interested in having sex with you ?
B-J : Hmm....let me think long and hard about this question...................yes, I would have to say she liked to have it....... infrequently 
Lady : Oh.....I'm puzzled......was that one word or two ? 

A SHORT PLAY ESPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR THE THEATRE OF THE ABSURD

( Inside a packed courtroom a perplexed judge questions the main defendant )

Judge : I take it the plaintiff is suing the bridge club committee for reinstatement and/or damages ?
Chairman : Well , that is absolutely right. The fool can't sue the club but it is not a legal entity ....being an unincorporated  association of bridge lovers and devotees. The plaintiff therefore can only sue the committee members , who he alleges wrongfully expelled him from the club
Judge : Yes....that makes good sense , but can I assume  that if he is successful , then you and the other committee members will all be personally liable to pay all his costs and any damages awarded ?
Chairman : Good Lord no.......that would be terrible. The club would have to find the money to pay all the legal costs 
Judge : But you said the club isn't a legal entity ....and that only the members are in a position to sue or be sued. This means it is the members' responsibility to meet any financial obligations imposed upon the unincorporated association they belong to..... which of course goes under the name of a bridge club
Chairman : That's right....it will be the ordinary members who are obliged pick up the legal bill.......not the chosen few who sit on the committee
Judge :That's a neatest arrangement I've ever come across. You foul up but it's others who will have to pay.
Chairman : No....no....you've got it all wrong. Any money which has to be paid will be taken from club funds. The members themselves don't actually have to dig into their wallets and purses. They just sit back and watch the club's assets wither away to nothing
Judge : Like seeing their investments losing money in a stock market crash ?
Chairman : Correct.....and yes....real cash for sure will disappear from from the club's accounts but for each and every member their individual loss is purely a paper one
Judge : I'm amazed....
Chairman : But at least you're getting the picture now. The plaintiff....the silly bugger ....has to suffer real financial pain to meet his excruciatingly high legal costs.........while our personal liability is nil..... all because of the absurdity of belonging to a club which in law doesn't exist , which then exposes all the members as guarantors of any debts which we the committee may have negligently incurred
Judge : Yes.....a very neat and concise summing up of the law

PLEASE TELL ME WHO THE HELL IS THE MAN IN THE LONG BLACK COAT ?

(  Well, according to Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber he is that an unforgiving , over-demanding , brutally cruel player ,   who unfortunately turns out to be your partner in a nightmare reality of an extremely tense , heated , emotionally charged,  competitive bridge arena. Inspired by Bob Dylan's classic song , the lyrics have been altered somewhat in order to profile and highlight the essential characteristics of " the man in the long black coat ". 

  

                                        "Man In The Long Black Coat"

Gossip mongers chirpin', the backstabbing’s high
There's a some poor bridge player hangin' dry
Window wide open whispering trees
Bent slightly forward from a soft gentle breeze
Not a word of warmth not even a note
Such was the coldness of the man in the long black coat.

Somebody seen him hangin' around
At other bridge clubs on the outskirts of town
              He looks so evil eyed , not one for foolin'       

        Should anyone challenge him over a ruling
Somebody said he often loved to gloat
   Such was the smugness of the man in the long black coat.

Preaching was his talking, the endless sermons he gave
                            Not to mention his passion to rant and to rave                                      All must heed his advice when he is their guide 

             They must never whinge or look dissatisfied            
It ain't easy to swallow , it sticks in the throat
Such was the blasphemous man in the long black coat.

           " There are no mistakes in my game " he would always say 
" It's an irrefutable truth ....people must see it that way
While other players simply fade and die , I just float
For the symbol of my greatness is my long black coat "   
                                                 

There's smoke on the horizon it's been there since June
Club members howling beneath the high crescent moon
Feel the pulse and vibration and the rumbling force
 As one after one tried to beat the dead horse
For when his insults were challenged they were always a joke
Such was the cunning of the man in the long black coat.

BIGOT DROPS A BOLLOCK…….

( Having just been suspended from the Slaughter House BC in what could only be described as a disciplinary hearing akin to a kangaroo court, a very disgruntled Pantopod decided to sue Bigot-Johnson and others for damages. With both parties called up before at judge at a pre-trial review , Bigot was in no mood to take any prisoners , as the following question and answer exchange revealed )

Judge :  What pray is your defence ?

B-J : We haven’t bothered to provide one

Judge : And why is that ?

B-J : There’s no need for one ? The man was a dog

Judge : But the plaintiff’s lawyers need to know what defence you intending to rely on with respect to the allegations of an improperly conducted disciplinary hearing

B-J : We did nothing wrong

Judge : But what if that isn’t the case ?

B-J : Well ….your honour….if we have cocked up then it’s no big deal…..the man was a dog

Judge : Why isn’t it a big deal ?

B-J : Because disputes like this…..involving dogs…..in small non-profit making , tiny little social clubs , such as ours , fall well outside the jurisdiction of the courts

Judge : Is that so ?

B-J : Yes….

Judge : And you’re suitably well informed to make such an assertion ?

B-J : Indeed I am

Judge : So please enlighten me as to your legal qualifications ?

B-J : I’ll have you know…. I’ve got 4 o’levels to my name….. one of which is LAW

Judge : And on the back of that knowledge, you assume I have no say on this matter

B-J :  Apparently not….

Judge : Well, I’m afraid I do…and it appears to me that this day has been a complete waste of everybody’s time

B-J : Too damn right it has…..a complete and utter waste of time……I could be at home pickling my onions

Judge : A state of affairs of which you are to blame

B-J : What !

Judge : And according to the rules relating to  “ wasted costs ” , you are required to pay for the plaintiff’s legal costs for this day , your own and the court’s …..payment in full within 14 days

B-J : I flabbergasted…. I can’t even draw my breath

Judge : If only that was true….