Monday, 30 May 2016

DRUGS IN BRIDGE : LATEST SCANDAL 

An in-depth investigation by news reporter Anna Bollick-Steroyd has uncovered evidence of the shocking use of drugs throughout the world of bridge.
According to her main source , the infamous whistle blower Ivor Bigmouth, many top players have become totally dependent on drugs to improve their levels of concentration , memory , speed and depth of analysis along with mental stamina.
" It's very sad " , said Ivor , " but the nature of the modern game has become so competitive and results orientated , players are resorting to all manner of ways by which to cheat and seek an unfair advantage. Using drugs to enhance their memory and performance is much harder to detect.Moreover , staying alert , sharp and fully focused over long sessions at the tables is not easy unless drugs are used. Before all this cheating ,  players would often fall asleep towards the end of a lengthy tournament. Others would go on dream-like walkabouts. But now you see hyped-up players jumping about in their seats , making flamboyant gestures , eyes all lit up as their minds run wild with probability calculations to determine their best options and lines of play. In my opinion these brain enhancement drugs should be treated with the same contempt as LSD , speed , ecstasy and amphetamines. "
However , one brain food addict was suspiciously quick to defend the practice saying " nearly all players pump themselves up with caffeine-laced coffees and liquid pick-me-up tonics , so why condemn those who go that extra step. Since everyone is doing drugs I see no objection when it comes to using stronger stuff when competing at the highest levels. Moreover the WBF has opted to sit on the fence, refusing to address this issue for fear of rocking the boat , by having more cheating scandals hitting the press. "
Ironically, one infamous player , renown for his high profile cheating , said " using drugs to improve performance is not acceptable especially when there are far more effective ways to achieve glory and success. No one should risk their personal health and well being when there are so many less damaging ways to gain an unfair advantage over unsuspecting opponents. "

Sunday, 29 May 2016

NEWSFLASH : SCANDAL HITS ENGLISH BRIDGE ........

The genteel world of English bridge was rocked by allegations of match fixing in a regional qualifier for the prestigious national teams tournament to be held in London later on this year. 
Several team captains claimed that Bigot-Johnson's team deliberately threw their match against a team looking to secure selection for the international squad. 
The sequence of scores in a very one-sided match represented gross underbidding and overbidding on the part of his team members , not to mention their inept play in defence. Suspicions were aroused when the non-playing captain,  Bigot-Johnson ,  was spotted in the hotel car park receiving a large bulging brown envelop from the opposition captain prior to match , before skipping off to the bank just around the corner from the venue hotel. 
When questioned about his team's abject performance Bigot replied " it just one of those days when luck deserts you and nothing goes right ". He strenuously denied any impropriety, claiming that the team he brought to the event was " rubbish " , and that their inexperience of tournament events caused them to panic and make silly mistakes. When questioned about one board ,  where a team member in first position chose to pass on 16 points,  Bigot put it down to the player's tendency to indulge in trap passes. The fact that 3NT was rigid having been bid and made on every table with overtricks ( but not on his table ) caused Bigot no concern whatsoever. 
Nevertheless he did admit to being very disappointed by the results from this match , conceding that some arses needed to be kicked very hard indeed. 
The enquiry still continues following further further reports of Bigot taking his team for a very expensive slap up champagne meal immediately after the tournament was over , when it appears that he needed to borrow money on arrival to pay for the team's entrance fees.  

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

PARKING EYE  v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2016)   Case No.1

In an act of justified defiance Bigot-Johnson refused to pay the £70 PCN on the grounds he had paid the required parking fee for the time the vehicle had been left. Despite all his protests and appeals the company went straight to court to recover the £70 plus costs. Bigot-Johnson as usual chose to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

B-J : On what grounds was I issued a PCN ?
Counsel For Parking-Eye ( CPE ) : You broke one of the rules.
B-J : What particular rule are you referring to ?
CPE : The one that specifies that your car has to line up exactly in the middle of the parking bay
B-J : What !
CPE : Yes....there has to an equal room either side of the car to ensure doors can be opened well away from cars parking in adjoining bays . Your car was parked well over to the right.
B-J : I've never been aware of this rule
CPE : It's there alright.....buried in the terms and conditions on display by the ticket machines
B-J:  Just exactly where ?
CPE : Column 16 .....rule 637 ......one of hundreds listed in the small print
B-J :  What ! ....So tell me how many rules are up there on these notice boards
CPE : Around 800 with lots more to come
B-J : This is madness.......
CPE : No it's not......it's sound commercial practice. The more rules there are the more likely we are to catch motorists out. The greater the number of infringements the bigger our profits become. At present the company is unable to process parking charge notices fast enough...... such is the volume of parking transgressions
B-J : This racket of yours is nothing more than legalised extortion
CPE : No it's not .......we are simply insisting on our legal rights. Moreover the judges are on our side by agreeing that parking companies need to enforce parking rules...... otherwise their ability to regulate parking would be impossible.
B-J : But how can motorists be seen to agree to all the rules when they are given no chance or time to read them.....let alone understand what they mean
CPE : That's not Parking-Eye's problem.......though I must admit the company issued a PCN to one motorist for overstaying his allotted 2 hours free parking , because it took him over 150 minutes to read the company's rules and regulations through dirty , badly smeared glass
B-J : Your clients are without doubt evil money grabbing bastards
CPE : True......but very wealthy to boot.......with more than enough money to pay top barristers like me a small fortune to defeat awkward motorists like you with consummate ease
B-J : Someone please tell me what the hell has happened to courtroom justice ?   



Saturday, 21 May 2016

PROFILE OF A TRUE BRIDGE EXPERT...... ( Article by Carp )

Far too many bridge players claim to be an expert when in reality they are nothing more than competent. Even players who have attained high rankings fool themselves that they are experts, when these rankings are based more on numerous appearances at green pointed events rather than ever making a top ten finish. 
In my book experts.....I mean true experts.....are a rare breed , and only a very small number have the right and privilege to be classed as such. These highly gifted and talented players all possess the majority of attributes listed below :
1.  Depth of analysis
2.  Speed of analysis
3.  Table presence
4.  Alertness
5.  Reading of the cards
6.  Cunning
7.  Masters of deceptive play
8.  Imaginative and creative
9.  Always quick to Identify dangers and risks
10. Avoid where possible the need to guess
11. Ready and able to counter threats 
12. Never choose to rely on luck ( they simply make their own )
13. Snatch victory from the jaws of defeat
14. Adopt lines of play which maximise the winning odds
15. Never get ruffled or rattled
16. Faultless memory
17. Recognise partner's limitations and therefore bid/defend accordingly
18. Totally ethical 
19.  Always calm and assured
20.  Combine experience and skill to maximum effect

Indeed , I'm sure there are many other attributes which can be assigned to a true expert. So unless you can honestly say you possess many of the above specifications , just settle for being a competent bridge player......but nothing more.

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

NEWSFLASH : GOD BACKS THE " GET RID OF ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES CAMPAIGN "

In an amazing new twist , God , who has never previously made comments on internal bridge matters , has come off his cloud and declared his support for a member unjustly expelled for breaching ZT rules.
Following Bigot-Johnson's bold declaration that ZT policies are totally flawed, God has made it known that the shocking lack of mercy and forgiveness does not bode well for those wishing to enter the kingdom of heaven. He believes that sinners are there to be saved and not punished.
This is a massive blow to the power crazed zealots who have introduced ZT policies into their clubs with a view to cracking down on those who err and stray. These zealots ,  who pedal and pursue the " project fear " philosophy , just love the idea of inflicting excessive punishments on those who commit minor transgressions. As God's only son rightly pointed out " Let he who is without sin cast the first stone ". Clearly ,  a ZT approach has now been exposed as a little short of pure evil in that those who enforce such policies often do so with venomous glee and sadistic pleasure. 
However , sources close to the Almighty , say that the Supreme Being cannot recall any details regarding the alleged wrongdoing which led to the member's ruthless and instant expulsion. Nevertheless, the angel Gabriel said " That's God all over.....he moves in mysterious ways....and he only acted in response to the member's prayer.  He now feels morally obliged to get involved in the disciplinary proceedings taking place in bridge clubs across the world. " 
Moreover , according to Gabriel God does not intend to sit back and ignore the injustices which are likely to occur ,  which means divine intervention might well be necessary. He refuses to sit in silence while victims of extreme ZT injustices experience pain , suffering , fear and strife , when it is the very nature of the game which brings out the beast in man . Surely , if governing bodies want players to be passionate about bridge then it's only right and fair allow them to show their negative emotions when things go wrong. God also wants it to be known that He created man in his own image and is therefore responsible for all his shortcomings and failings.   


Monday, 16 May 2016

ATTENTION ALL BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES : CHAIRMAN BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE.....

" We all know that over the years the biggest problem has been the psychological bullying dished out by unforgiving members upon their weak and hapless partners. Anyone who tells you otherwise needs sorting out with knuckle dusters and baseball bats.
But today an even more disturbing problem has emerged , as a result of initiatives to curb the traditional bullying at the tables. This relates the development of the so called " culture of fear " which stems from zero tolerance policies , springing up all over the place.
For instance , at the Walnut Tree Allotment society BC the ZTP initiated there certainly brought about a successful crackdown on noisy and boisterous behaviour. The committee there kicked off by finding a suitable scapegoat to demonstrate their fierce intent to rid the club of loud and unruly members. This poor man , having accused his partner of being " a complete prune "  , had his head immediately flushed down the toilet before receiving a damn good thrashing. Days later a Spanish-style inquisition took place , which resulting in him admitting his guilt to many other allegations of bullying , dreamed up and invented by over zealous committee members gifted with incredible imagination , creativity and extreme bias. At the kangaroo court hearing he meekly accepted full responsibility for all his sins , stating that he thoroughly deserved every form of punishment which was about to come his way.
This sad wretch of a man , who was first in the firing line ,  confessed to making verbal remarks and theatrical gestures solely designed to intimidate and upset his partners. Onlooking club members were not surprised by this confession given the fact his mouth at the time was being pumped full of alcohol while tied to a chair. 
Nevertheless bullying in the club disappeared overnight once the fear factor was operating at full throttle. Members at risk  , being conscious of having a short fuse and acid wit along side a life-long habit to speak their minds ,  now opted instead to either sulk in silence or bury their heads in muffle cushions which are conveniently placed near to the tables.
But as always in life a solution to one problem merely creates another , and ZTP have replaced one form of bullying with another far more sinister and far more heinous. Committee members corrupted by power have seized the opportunity to rid the club of who they want , by waiting for the smallest transgressions to take place before initiating another ruthless and vindictive witch hunt. The culture of fear thrives upon those with big inflated egos picking on those who don't deserve it. Yes , without a shadow of doubt zealous ZTP enforcers really do give bullying a bad name. 
Finally,  I would like to add that ZT policies have no place whatsoever in The Slaughter House BC , because members are told that if you play bridge like a numpty expect to be called one : you either man up or give up the game. " 

Saturday, 14 May 2016

OTHER WONDERFUL BRIDGE BOOKS WRITTEN BY THE WORLD FAMOUS AUTHOR  I. ASKEW...........


  • The Cheating That Goes On At Bridge Tables
  • Players Who Defy The Odds And Get Away With It
  • What Possesses Clubs To Waste Money On Futile And Lost Causes ?
  • Bullying Behaviour Which Is Completely Out Of Order 
  • Why Do Slow Players Spend So Much Time Over The Obvious ?
  • I Once Bid A 6 Card Heart Suit Yet Declarer Still Went Up With Dummy's Ace To Drop My Partner's Singleton King
  • What Complete And Utter Birdbrain Thought Zero Tolerance Policies Would Improve The Bridge Experience ?
  • Committee Shenanigans Which Simply Beggar All Belief
  • How Come Every Player I've Ever Encountered Claims To Be An Expert ?
  • Why Does Bridge  Attract  Psychopaths ,  Self-Righteous Know-alls , Social Misfits And Oddballs ? 
  • What's So Wrong About Moving A Bridgemate Across A Table ? 

Friday, 13 May 2016

                                            ADVERTISEMENT


    SHOCKING REVELATIONS……….OUTRAGEOUS CARRY-ONS


    “ WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON
   INSIDE UNIT 373 ? ”

  IS THE TITLE OF A RIPPING BLOCKBUSTER BOOK 

                      BY            I. ASKEW

 

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

NORTHERN PRO'S INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT SYSTEM COMES UNDER FURTHER SCRUTINY.........



Monday, 9 May 2016

NORTHERN PRO'S PATIENCE IS SEVERELY TESTED.....



Sunday, 8 May 2016

Thursday, 5 May 2016

NEWSFLASH  :  IT'S TRUE....BIGOT-JOHNSON IS INDEED THE WORLD'S NUMBER ONE BIGOT

Forever wreaking havoc in the quiet and dignified world of bridge, Bigot-Johnson has become synonymous with extreme bigotry , reviled by all those who have crossed his path in clubs and bars across the world. What makes this man the epitome of bigotry can be answered by the comments made by ex-partners and club members, who have had the great misfortune to play at his table.
-  " I have never come across a person so riddled with prejudice , bias , hypocrisy and ill-feeling towards others as this dreadful , awful man "
-  " Blighted by irrational thoughts and beliefs Bigot-Johnson is unable to listen to or accept the opinions voiced by those blessed with wisdom and common sense "
-  " He has an unshakable belief that he can actually play the game despite his abysmally low ranking "
-  Always quick to malign and condemn all others as grossly inferior players or despicable cheats
-  " He will argue vehemently that all his poor scores are the product of bad luck , cheating dogs and inept partners "
-  " He will also argue that good results are all down to his talent and expertise , when in reality he has been gifted tops by fortuitous guesses and overly generous opponents "
-  " Bigot thrives on bullying and browbeating ineffective directors as to how the rules of the game are to be interpreted "
 -  " Bigot claims to know all the answers even though many of the questions have no definitive answers at all "
-  " The man is in complete denial of all his shortcomings and failings , which are considerable in both number and severity "
- " He claims to be a paragon of virtue and ethical correctness when in fact the opposite is true" -  " Bigot-Johnson insists on holding court to disaffected listeners and gullible newbies irrespective of their urgent desire to vacate the room "
- " This bombastic hypocrite holds the most outrageous and contentious opinions on matters which require carefully considered , non-judgemental points of view "
-  Bigot-Johnson is a loud , arrogant , egocentric , empty-headed numskull  who is nothing more than a bloated windbag full of hot air and pomposity "
- " His vanity and self-importance knows no bounds "
- "  He hates to be quizzed , questioned or criticised regarding any condemnation about his behaviour as unwarranted persecution "  
- " The man loves to wallow in his glory but steadfastly refuses to acknowledge or applaud the achievement of others "
-  " He is completely unable to see , perceive or recognise , let alone accept , the unreasonableness firmly entrenched in his unfounded beliefs and points of view "
- " The man's a tosser ! "

        

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

BRIDGE BOOKS BEST KEPT FOR A RAINY DAY.......


  • Partner What On Earth Are You Up To ?..............................Ima  P. King
  • My Lady Partner Is Young And Drop Dead Gorgeous............Q. T. Doll
  • Half The Players In My Club Are Cheating Dogs.....................R. U. Shaw
  • Partner Is There A Brain Inside Your Head Or What ?............M. T. Vessell
  • Bridge Players Never Form An Orderly Queue.......................Jocelyn Ann Pushin
  • Partner There's No Need For You And I To Fall Out...............Les Maycup
  • After Long Bridge Sessions I'm Mentally Exhausted..............Sue J. Didd
  • There Is Only One Thing To Say About ZT Policies................Sacha Loda Balls
  • Partner I'm Always Here For You If You Need Support...........Leon Mee
  • I Can't Stop Myself From Having Dreadful Tantrums  .............Paddy Thrower
  • I Really Do Prefer Playing Bridge During The Afternoon.........Matt Tinnay
  • Look I've No Time To Listen To Gossip And Tittle-Tattle........Candice Knott-Waite