( Yet again Bigot-Johnson was ordered to attend a disciplinary hearing to answer serious complaints about his cheating behaviour. Several allegations had been made about his ability to read his partner's tells, gaining unauthorised information about his hands. )
Chairman (C) : Bigot.... can you tell what partner has got in his hand from his giveaway tells ?
B-J : Of course I can....he is complete tosser.......but I'm not the only one who can tell what's in his hand..... the opponents are often on the ball as well !
C : Well, what about the opponents who aren't in the know......those poor sods are damaged by unauthorised information that only you get ?
B-J : Yes....but I didn't ask for this unauthorised information.....it's thrown at me......it's hard to ignore.....in fact it's impossible to ignore
C : Well ...unsolicited or not...it's still bloody cheating
B-J: Excuse me.....you tell me of any established partnership in this club where reading tells doesn't go on ? Many players acquire this amazing gift based on their ability to form patterns of hand shapes based upon past experiences of partner's awkward bidding .
C : Please explain....
B-J : Well...take board 17 that I played against you and Pantopod last night...... remember I use to partner that egit so many times I always knew what he'd got even before the bids hit the table. Why....the longer he stayed in the tank the more I gleaned from the time delays prior to his bids.
C : Yes....
B-J : You had opened 1H and I made a weak 2S overcall.....Pantoprat took an age before bidding 3H ! If the bid was made instantly, it would show no spades, with all his values in a decent 4 card heart suit. Slight delay indicates values elsewhere with 4 poor hearts....moderate delay would mean mediocre 3 card heart support , no biddable minor suit, and possibly a small double honour in spades....... a long delay flashes up decent 3 card heart support but with a weak 5/6 minor not worthy of mention.....super long delay suggests 3 miserable hearts, which offer ruffing values because of a shortage in one of the minors, plus 3 or 4 small spades.....and a super super long delay flags up 3 small spades, a stiff KQ or KJ of hearts, and two 4 card minors.....and oh yes, since Pantopod's delay was moderate I read him for having Qx....xxx....Axxxx.....Axx
C : By George.....you're right....that exactly what he had. Why, even I damn well knew he had a problem hand ..... certainly one with with 3 hearts, no spade stopper and a ragged long minor !
B-J : Well, that proves my point.....
C : Oh my God so it does.....I'm so gutted now..... I feel I owe you an apology....
B-J : Indeed you do
C : But you're still not getting one.....and that's because you've just exposed me as a cheating dog like yourself.....you bastard
B-J : You bugger....