LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. EBU EDITORIAL STAFF
( Bigot was at war again, desperate to take the EBU editorial team to court over an alleged libel. One bulletin editor , on reviewing a prestigious national pairs event , described the winner Bigot-Johnson as " the luckiest player he had ever encountered .....someone who was able to walk on water , performing miracles at the table which had never been seen or witnessed before ". Clearly upset by the suggestion that his victory had nothing to do with natural skill and ability , Bigot was hell bent on suing the EBU for thousands. The following extract, taken from the trial's transcript , reveals a dramatic turning point in the case. Bigot of course represented himself. )
Counsel for the defendants ( CD ) : So is it true Bigot that you won this tournament with a score of 72.3 % ?
B-J : Too damn right I did....and what's more if I had been blessed with a half-decent partner it would have been much more
CD : Yet coming to this event.... not once did you ever manage to get over 45% in all previous competitions....... let alone your regular weekly club duplicates
B-J : No...as it happens
CD : And is it true that your EBU ranking is the eight of clubs , which puts you alongside beginners , rabbits and numpties ?
B-J : Yes.....but that ranking business is a complete and utter nonsense
CD : Moreover , we have witness statements from all your previous partners.....going back 20 years......who to a man and woman rate you as the worst partner they have ever played with
B-J : Oh....
CD : So let's gets back to the event in question which you won in a most spectacular way. Despite not knowing which suit is which...... you made wild leaps in every auction, only to find the perfect dummy on each occasion. You then managed with uncanny instinct to stay out of doomed games and slams , and every lead and switch you made in defence you miraculously found partner holding the exact layout.........and critical key cards........ needed to beat the seemingly rock solid contracts the opponents were in. It was almost as though you had seen all the hands before !
B-J : How dare you insinuate I cheated in some way. Why I owe my success to a pact I made with the devil..... who in return for my soul gave me a gift certain to guarantee me success at the card tables
CD : Well....this gift was certainly not one which involved mastery of a beautiful and exquisite bidding system designed to land players in excellent contracts , by being able to describe their hands with sublime precision and accuracy
B-J : No....
CD : Nor was this gift an ability to draw the correct inferences from the bidding ..... and play of the cards.....to determine the best line of play both as declarer play and defender
B-J : No......
CD : Indeed , no way do you have the skill of reading the cards....... which only top class experts can claim to possess
B-J : Ah...I do need to correct you there....for in a way I do read the cards exceedingly well..... by simply looking through the backs of them
CD ( holding up a card with its back towards Bigot ) : What card is this then ?
B-J : The jack of hearts
CD : Correct......so you do have this demonised power to make you invincible at bridge ?
B-J : Yes...yes....yes.......isn't it wonderful
CD : So let's recap then.....you have admitted that prior to your meeting with the devil you were a non-achieving, third-rate player........ who raw beginners looked forward to play against .......full of justified optimism and confidence
B-J : Yes...
CD : And that any objective onlooker..... unaware of your special gift ....... would automatically assume that you must be the jammiest player on earth
B-J : I guess so.....
Judge : Well , Bigot , I've heard enough. Since truth and fair comment are well established defences to claims of libel , I have no hesitation now in bringing this case to an end. There has been no libel whatsoever . The description of you being the luckiest player alive was in the circumstances a perfectly fair and reasonable comment.....and therefore you will be required to meet all the costs incurred by the defendants....... as well as your own
B-J : Bugger....