THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED..........

• Club secretary : an appointed officer with a roving commission to lie
• Minutes : a piece of work based on fiction , half-truths and omissions
• Litigation : a process or machine which if you enter as a cow you exit as minced meat 
• Misfortune : the only kind of fortune bridge players talk about 
• Off-centre bids : lies which fall well short of psychs , often associated with poor bidders' appalling inability to describe their hands any degree of precision or honesty 
• Zero tolerance : a god sent whipping stick providing those with axes to grind a plentiful supply of opportunities to rid the club of desirable members 
• Bridge : a beautiful game designed to be played in a spirit of goodwill and great sportsmanship ,  but  one which finds itself taken up by predatory sharks , bully boys , mean-hearted monsters and black-hearted villians 
• Overbidding : a dangerous habit eagerly developed by both show-offs and hoggers, always insisting on winning competitive auctions with themselves as declarers
• Witticisms : sharp , clever remarks based on accurate observational skills and/or perceptive insight, which unfortunately are interpreted by the ZT enforcement officers as cruel , inappropriate , and offensive insults 
• Scratch pair : another unfortunate habit adopted by most male players,  keen to obtain immediate gratification to counter stressful situations at the bridge table
• Nose ( for the game ) : an essential part of a player's make up if wishing to sniff out the location of missing queens , cheats at the table and flying bridgemates