BEAVIS AND BIGOT-JOHNSON DISCUSS THE SUPREME COURT DECISION

- So the Supreme Court judges shafted us good and proper
- Yes they sure did
- Well it seems to me that the commercial justification argument for a deterrent fine should 
   have only applied to serial over-stayers and those who overstay out of a blatant disregard 
   for other motorists ,  who....when car parks are very busy.....are desperately looking for
   available spaces. Overstaying by a few minutes hardly undermines the effective 
   traffic space management of the car park , which aims to benefit all motorists 
   hoping to use its facilities.
- I agree
- So why didn't our lawyers set out to make this distinction ?
- God knows 
- The notion of a flat-rate lump sum fine for any overstay.....be it 5 minutes or 5 hours must 
   surely in some instances to be regarded as an unenforceable penalty .....because it fails 
   to separate and distinguish petty breaches from far more serious ones
- I agree
- A fairer system...... so easy to administer.......is to fine offending motorists 50p for each  
  minute overstay ,  in keeping with the way magistrates vary the fines on motorists in 
  accordance with the actual speed they were clocked at......
- So why didn't our lawyers raise this particular argument ?
- God knows
- Well let me tell you that most private car parking companies rely on four things in order to 
  secure evidence on which to levy a legally enforceable fine
- And what are those Bigot ?
- A camera that works with a clean, clear lens......a ticket machine with unclogged coin slots
  which accepts the coins and issues a valid ticket.......a signboard which highlights in big 
  bold lettering all the onerous terms , easily legible.... not covered by graffiti......and 
  registration plates which are both readable and genuine
- Yes.....so what's the point you are trying to make ?
-  Well , if these requirements are compromised in any way......other motorists would have a 
  cast-iron get-out-of-jail card to thwart all these vindictive and mercenary parking 
  companies  
- Are you suggesting foul play on the part of the motorist ?
- Not exactly ..... but how does one combat scamming ....not to mention obtaining money by 
  threats and intimidation ........crimes which are far worse ?
- I agree
- Nice talking to you
- It's been a pleasure and an education

PARKING COWBOYS v. BIGOT-JOHNSON  ( 2016 ) CASE No.2 

For a second time this infamous money grabbing company issued a £70 PCN against Bigot-Johnson who for a second time refused to pay. Determined to crush and punish those who defy their threatening demands for money,  the company hired yet another crack lawyer to take on a doggedly determined Bigot . The following extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

Counsel for the plaintiff :  You cannot deny Bigot that your car was parked at a time when you had no valid ticket 
B-J : What.....I recall the 2 hour ticket purchased allowed me to park up to 4.30 pm.....and I left the car park at exactly 4.13pm
CP : Correct....... but the ticket was purchased at 2.30......and our cameras registered your entry into the car park at 2.05 pm. So by the terms of the contract you entered into you were required to exit the car park by 4.05 pm
B-J : What.......it took me 5 minutes to find a vacant bay......then another 20 minutes to read your umpteenth version of revised terms and conditions in order to fully understand the basis of what contract I was entering into
CP: The rules are strict......your ticket only covered you for 2 hours ....but your car was on our premises for 2 hours 8 minutes ......a clear and blatant overstay which warrants a punitive PCN  
B-J : Hold on......but every motorist has to park up first before making his/her way to the ticket machine, which automatically means there will be a few minutes of parking before the contract is made at the ticket machine
CP : Correct .....but the starting time is always calculated back to the time of entry as recorded by the camera........it's the way the cookie crumbles
B-J : So that means hundreds of motorists could easily be caught out this way
CP :  Without a doubt.....in fact Parking Cowboys have used this ingenious  trap to stitch up motorists good and proper , such is the extent of their unending greed and hell bent desire to maximise profits 
B-J : You mean profiting by means of deception and extortion
CP : That's one way of putting it......but the company regards these practices as being commercially justified in a corporate world where consumer exploitation is legitimate and rife

PARKING COWBOYS  v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2016)   Case No.1

In an act of justified defiance Bigot-Johnson refused to pay the £70 PCN on the grounds he had paid the required parking fee for the time the vehicle had been left. Despite all his protests and appeals the company went straight to court to recover the £70 plus costs. Bigot-Johnson as usual chose to defend himself. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

B-J : On what grounds was I issued a PCN ?
Counsel For Parking-Eye ( CPE ) : You broke one of the rules.
B-J : What particular rule are you referring to ?
CPE : The one that specifies that your car has to line up exactly in the middle of the parking bay
B-J : What !
CPE : Yes....there has to an equal room either side of the car to ensure doors can be opened well away from cars parking in adjoining bays . Your car was parked well over to the right.
B-J : I've never been aware of this rule
CPE : It's there alright.....buried in the terms and conditions on display by the ticket machines
B-J:  Just exactly where ?
CPE : Column 16 .....rule 637 ......one of hundreds listed in the small print
B-J :  What ! ....So tell me how many rules are up there on these notice boards
CPE : Around 800 with lots more to come
B-J : This is madness.......
CPE : No it's not......it's sound commercial practice. The more rules there are the more likely we are to catch motorists out. The greater the number of infringements the bigger our profits become. At present the company is unable to process parking charge notices fast enough...... such is the volume of parking transgressions
B-J : This racket of yours is nothing more than legalised extortion
CPE : No it's not .......we are simply insisting on our legal rights. Moreover the judges are on our side by agreeing that parking companies need to enforce parking rules...... otherwise their ability to regulate parking would be impossible.
B-J : But how can motorists be seen to agree to all the rules when they are given no chance or time to read them.....let alone understand what they mean
CPE : That's not Parking Cowboys problem.......though I must admit the company issued a PCN to one motorist for overstaying his allotted 2 hours free parking , because it took him over 150 minutes to read the company's rules and regulations through dirty , badly smeared glass
B-J : Your clients are without doubt evil money grabbing bastards
CPE : True......but very wealthy to boot.......with more than enough money to pay top barristers like me a small fortune to defeat awkward motorists like you with consummate ease
B-J : Someone please tell me what the hell has happened to courtroom justice ?   

THINGS THAT REALLY MATTER TO EXECUTIVE OFFICERS OF BRIDGE GOVERNING BODIES....( Article by Carp )


Listed of course in rank order of importance :

1.  Conducting their meetings and all other business behind closed doors to guarantee absolute privacy and secrecy 
2. Creating an ever stronger power base capable of suppressing all forms of dissent and criticism
3. Abusing their power in a multitude of novel and exciting ways in order to achieve personal objectives and ambitions
4. To pump up their already inflated egos even more
5. Helping themselves to some extra income and financial benefits , under the pretext reimbursement of expenses and administrative salaries
6. To win major favours and privileges from those to whom smaller favours and privileges have been handed out 
7. Revelling in the kudos and prestige of undertaking vitally important roles and functions in the running of the club
8. To distance themselves at all costs from the rank and file ordinary members , commonly referred to as riff raff
9. Actively seeking and quickly seizing any other opportunities to gain profit , advantage and benefit to enhance their status and positions within the organisation
10. To protect the own , to watch out for each other , and to do what is necessary to facilitate effective cover-ups and/or excuses 
11.  Quick to transfer blame and/or responsibility for any cock-ups , by back-stabbing those deemed as expendable
12. To spend vast sums of money on the buildings , computers and equipment at the expense of promoting the game to a wider audience and market
13.  Forever seeing themselves as masters rather than the humble servants of those they are meant to represent
14. Making decisions based on needs rather than common sense , honesty and integrity
15. Feigning to take on board the wishes and concerns of the wider membership 

BRIDGE BOOKS WORTH HAVING A PEEK AT.......( Says Pun )

• When As Stand By You Are To Partner A New Female Member...........Greta Warmley
• I Play Bridge Like A Ruthless Psychopathic Highly Advanced Robot.....Cy Borgman
• I've Just Discovered My Regular Female Partner Is A Lesbian.............Dick D. Kliner
• I Don't Give A Damn About Our Dreadful Overbearing Chairman.........May E. Rotinelle
• I'll Tell You Why I Can't Come Out To Play Bridge Tonight.................    Erin Dawes
• Having Done A Stretch In Prison No Bridge Club Wants Me.................Jay L. Byrd
• If Someone Catches You Cheating Smile And Plead Innocence...........Fay Kitt
• She Always Causes A Stir When She Struts Into The Club...................Ed Turner
• That Man Can't Take His Eyes Of My Lady Partner's Bust.....................C. D. Auldman
• How Did He Pull Off Making That Seemingly Impossible Slam...............Jimmy Devell 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED .......

• Average - the term which perfectly describes up to 95% of all people who purport to play bridge :  their ability to improve is severely restricted by their inability to think and/or count
• Expert - the grossly absurd and delusional belief an average player has of himself/herself
• MUD - what usually gets slung around at committee meetings when members start falling out with each other
• Field - a place where seeded players rise above the riff raff to reap and harvest the spoils 
• Ladders - ranking lists which aspiring players like to climb in order to look down on those less gifted themselves with joyous contempt
• Good raise - the essential attribute a needy lady player expects of her male partner before play commences
• Pack - what any devious chairman aims to do at important AGMs by filling every single seat with committee supporters : a tactic more commonly known as gerrymandering
• Suit - the practice sheep-like members adopt at AGMs when following the lead of their highly controlling and manipulative chairman
• Spot - the awkward and embarrassing position a less than ethical player finds him/herself in when accused and exposed as a cheat
• Rank - a term which appropriately describes the smell which emanates from the seat recently vacated by an elderly player not well versed in personal hygiene matters  

MORE EXCITING BRIDGE BOOKS UNEARTHED ........
( by gardening guru Pun )

• I'll Give You One Good Reason Why You Need Me As A Partner.........Ima Weiner
• To Say I'm Upset Partner Is A Gross Understatement !....... .................Fuller Roth
• This Sort Of Thing Will Not Be Tolerated In Our Club....................Annie R. G. Bargie
• My Tactics Are To Lull My Opponents Into A Soporific State.................Sarah Nade
• After Coming Out On Top I Just Want To Get Up And Dance................Tina C. Walls
• Now That's A Bidding System I Could Really Take To............................Mortimer Likin
• That Opponent Is So Uncouth He's Worse Than A Heathen..................Phil S, Stein
• Did I Lose My Rag When I Noticed Our Opponents Cheating !...............Kirsten Sworr
• Sorry Partner, I Find Your Beauty So Alluring And Appealing.................Dick Stillard
• For Pity's Sake Partner Will You Please Stop Getting At Me..................Lee Vitoff

THE LATEST CROP OF BEST SELLING BRIDGE BOOKS..................... ( Information harvested by Pun ) 

• Partner What Was Your Reasoning For Bidding That Slam ?...........Justin Hope
• I'll Tell You What's Happening To This Great Game Of Ours.............Di N. Fershaw
• For Crying Out Loud Why Does No One Listen To Me ?...................Pete Sake
• Her Speciality Is Carving Up Weak And Helpless Opponents............Angela Deth
• This Is The Saddest Bridge Story You'll Ever Come Across..............T. R. Jerker
• Committee Members Here Run This Club With An Iron Fist .... ........Gus Tarpeau 
• What Would Be An Appropriate Message To Send Our Chairman?...Aretha Flowers 
• Heavens above If You Ever Get Our Chairman Into Your Sights.......Ava Pott
• And Should You Get The Club Secretary Into Your Sights................Phil R. Withe-Ledd
• I Know What I'm Gonna Do To Raise Money For This Club...............Selma Bodie

WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT SOCIETY BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING   ( No. 642 )

The club was forced to introduce in 2015 much stricter rules requiring players to treat one another with utmost respect and politeness.  However despite chairman Bigot-Johnson's bold initiative ,  Neil Peck found himself before the committee following a complaint by a member , who was sitting at the table when the alleged incident occurred. 

Chairman : As the main complainant and key witness.......please tell the committee what took place at the table that gave rise to your concern ?
Complainant : Neil called his partner " a prune ".......
( Gasps of horror and revulsion filled the room from all committee members and onlookers keeled over in shock )
Chairman : That's terrible.......calling someone " a prune " in front of others amounts to a wicked and wilful breach of our newly imposed best behaviour rules. If some arsehole like Neil said that to me I'd kill the foul-mouthed bastard there and then.
Neil : Excuse me ......I would like to say something
Chairman : If you must.....you uncaring , uncouth , obnoxious toe-rag
Neil : My partner played bridge all night like " a prune " and therefore deserved such a label
Chairman : No one deserves to be insulted like that.....you're both vicious and vindictive
Neil : It wasn't an insult. It was a statement of fact based on hard evidence of his play at the table. The truth needed to come out........
Chairman : So what had this numbskull of a partner done to be condemned and reviled like that ?
Neil : Well, as I said earlier he had been playing all evening like a complete arse-hole
( More loud gasps from around the jam-packed committee room , which included Neil's partner and others desperate for juicy gossip and cheap entertainment.) 
Chairman : That's still no excuse for calling him a prune
Neil : So what would you do... or say...... to your partner if he failed to make a single heart trick when holding J108 in one hand and K96 in the other ?
Chairman : I would call him " a tosser "
Neil : And then fail to cash an established winner ?
Chairman : Christ amighty ...the man must be a complete moron
Neil : Not to mention marooning himself from dummy where he had two other established winners
Chairman : I cannot believe any man could be so INEPT ,CLUELESS, STUPID, OFF-HIS-HEAD , AND BRAIN -DEAD ...... my God.....what a  COMPLETE TWAT he must be
Neil : Exactly
Chairman : But having said all that....... your behaviour at the table leaves us with no choice but to ban you from this club
Neil : Hold on a mo......what you just said about him was far far worse
Chairman : Ah... that may be true.......However ,what is said by committee members during committee work is exempt from rules which only apply to behaviour at the table. By having double standards like this we can get rid of foul-mouthed scumbags like you ,  whilst making most of this heaven sent opportunity to slag you off without fear or recrimination.
( Applause echoes all around the room as Neil is shown the door by two burly stewards )

   

BRIDGE BOOKS SOLD TO ME IN BROWN PAPER BAGS FROM UNDER THE COUNTER....... ( Pun incognito )

• What I Always Say To Cheats Who Arrive At My Table...................F. Hoff
• My Game Of Bridge Is Slightly Better Than Average.......................Maura Liss
• I Can't Play Today , I Really Overdid Last Night ..............................Dick Aiken
• The List Of Complaints Against Me Goes On Forever......................Miles Long
• Partner What On Earth Are You Doing With Your Hand ? ..............Holden McGroin
• Any Excuses Our Chairman Makes Are A Pack Of Lies..................Bill Loney
• Losing To Weak Opponents Makes Me Feel Wretched...................Lois Mee
• I'll Tell You What She Enjoys , More Than Playing The Cards........ Amanda Naggatt
• I'm Sorry I Can't Sit Still , I've Got A Problem Down Below..............Jenny Tillitch 
• Yes There Is Something I Prefer More Than Bridge........................Nicholas R. Lotts 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.............

Spade : 

1.  The boss suit
2.  A club member of afro-caribbean origion  ( a rare spectacle indeed )
3.  A handy item to have in the boot of your car when wishing to bury the charred remains of your ex-partner before a missing persons report is filed , or an item which is sorely needed when digging up the dirt on club members you have come to dislike 
4.  The surname of a  seedy-looking player you once knew called Sam 

Club :

1. The place where most male members go to escape their wives 
2.  A highly useful item to have on your person when seeking to end an altercation with a troublesome opponent in a robust and triumphant manner 
3. What you are likely to put your female partner in when playing away , perhaps succumbing to temptation and/or premature outbursts
4. An inferior suit which experts like to put to better use by employing a whole raft of artificial bids ( see the prepared club , two-club openers, stayman , gerber , landy )
5. Capable of having magical properties when opened at the one level by the Northern Pro

CHEATING ON ANOTHER LEVEL.............. ( Article by Carp )

In the bizarre world of bridge a curious and absurd situation has arisen now that duplimated boards have appeared on the scene.. This computorised process eliminates the need for hand shuffling , providing print outs of all the hands for players to read and analyse after the bridge session is over. With bridge clubs eager to embrace this wonderful computer technology , duplimated boards have rapidly become the norm in England for most tournaments , competition matches and duplicate sessions. 
When match boards are prepared in this automated way the only requirement is that procedure involved is subject to "satisfactory " security arrangements being in place. This choice of word in my view is a cop out. 
What is of fundamental importance is the need for tight control. This in turn necessitates " best " practice in establishing and setting up foolproof security arrangements, along with thorough and rigorous monitoring.
So what would constitute the very best security safeguards ?
Firstly , given the club and its appointed individuals might well receive ( via the computer ) hand data to program the duplimator , then this information itself must be kept in secure files with highly restricted access. So secure it is capable of thwarting even the most competent hackers. Moreover, these individuals should not be involved in any of the matches where these boards are going to be played. 
Secondly, these same individuals need to be above all suspicion , men/ women renown for the complete honesty, ethical behaviour , praised for their unwavering impartiality and integrity. People.... who would declare their allegiance towards and/or membership of other clubs where these duplimated boards might also be played. 
Thirdly, once the boards have been made up along with the printed hand-outs , they need to be immediately placed in a locked box inside a locked cupboard. Keys themselves should be limited to just two individuals who themselves can guarantee their safe keeping.
Finally , if prior to the match there is the slightest suspicion of foul play , the captain of the aggrieved team may exercise his/her right to replace the duplimated boards with hand shuffled ones , done there and then at the table with all four players in attendance. If suspicions arise during the match that certain players seem to possess an insight which amounts to detailed knowledge ( no matter how small ) about the hand , then these must be recorded in writing and thoroughly investigated. Indeed,  rumours have circulated around Yorkshire of a player involved in an inter-city match , who having some involvement in the preparation of the boards and print-outs , become the only player to bid and make a  grand slam in diamonds , which only made because of the fortunate layout of the cards.  
So yes , cheating can appear in many shapes and forms but prior knowledge of the hands is I believe on another much higher and more sinister level. Matches can be won or lost on two or three crucial boards where on some boards players would have done well to keep out of a doomed slam , while in other instances slams are bid , despite their poor odds , only to come rolling in. Once is good fortune. twice is co-incidence but three times there has to be something suspicious going on. Even if prior knowledge,  no matter how small or insignificant , arrives say by virtue of pre-match loose gossip, there is without doubt a serious breach of security. Any even when an eavesdropper doesn't have the opportunity to act upon it to his/her benefit that is no excuse to the justified accusation of a security breach.
Security must focus on the elimination of opportunities for cheating to occur. Those who act upon unauthorised information of this kind are the real cheats , but those who responsible for any lapse of security are equally at fault , aiding and abetting such a crime. The pursuit for a level playing field along side the crack down on cheating must be relentless. Security measures currently in place may appear to be good enough , but are they ? Vigilance is needed at all times, and players who regularly appear to have something more than just the gift on insight need to be carefully and discreetly investigated. Always get the evidence first before making any charges.   
   

DON'T PLAY BRIDGE ON THE INTERNET : GO TO A CLUB INSTEAD

Recent research from the UNIVERSITY OF THE BLOODY OBVIOUS ( an institution that should replace all other universities ) has warned that internet bridge is guaranteed to make us feel lonely and morose.

Social contact is what makes us human and behave like humans. Nothing beats face-to-face dialogue, group discussion and social banter. Staring at a screen , with eyes solely fixed on a virtual reality bridge table, playing with faceless partners against faceless opponents is no substitute for the real thing. Real interaction is what makes us happy. Social media generally is full of sad and lonely people claiming everything is OK and perfectly fine, when clearly the opposite is true.

Being a member of a warm welcoming bridge club is like being part of a wonderful family who all share the shame passion and interest in the game as you do. Jovial conversation , and real laughter is both infectious and uplifting. The flat and meaningless quickly typed comment followed by a LOL text reply offers no comparison whatsoever.. 

It's bloody obvious that internet bridge will become the final nail which seals the coffin on club bridge.  As old members and new enthusiasts turn into internet converts , they will remain blind to the fact that while technology seems to present opportunities to fill a social void, it creates in the long term a far greater one of hideous and frightening proportions. 

CALLING ALL BRIDGE CHEATS ( OF WHICH THERE ARE MANY ) .....IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT THEN YOU NEED TO DEVELOP THE FOLLOWING SKILLS

1. A healthy disrespect for the integrity of the game and the rules designed to stop such an evil practice
2. Razor sharp rabbit-like hearing with the ability to tune into any table discussion anywhere in the room
3. An expertise in creating and combining a vast array of coded signals and gestures
4. A grossly misleading and/or incomplete system card
5. A complete mastery of giving out misinformation and incomplete explanations
6. Total control over your compliant partner-in-crime
7. The ability to play the innocent party appearing to be deeply shocked and horrified should anyone dare to suggest foul play at the table
8. Superb wide-angled long range vision 
9. An highly elastic, supple crane-like neck
10. An ability to take deviousness and cunning to unprecedented levels
11. To rid your conscience of all honesty , decency,  morals , and ethical principles
12. A ruthlessness a hardened psychopath would be proud of
13. To focus solely and absolutely on the results with a total disregard for the spirit and enjoyment of the game
14. An unrivalled ability to lie your way out of any situation
15. Staying firm and resolute , never succumbing to any feelings of shame , guilt or remorse

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME OF BRIDGE SO UNAPPEALING ?............... ( Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poem offers one possible answer )

I go to my club
And who do I see
Off putting players
As mean as can be
Those who sneer
Those who peer
Those who moan
Those who groan
The big-headed
The pig-headed
The reckless
The feckless
Those who bleat
Those who cheat
Those who lurk
Those who smirk
The officious
The malicious
The moody
The broody
Those who ponder
Those who squander
Those who brag
Those who nag
The elitist
The defeatist
The humpy
The grumpy


Such a great shame
They spoil this game

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH PUN RECKONS ARE ABSOLUTE CRACKERS...........

• If He Makes This Slam The Match Is Lost.........................O. P. Fayles
• That Gift Of A Top Handed Us The Trophy.........................Evan Scent
• Yes I Admit That Every Seat I Vacate Is Always Wet..........I. P. Hallot
• I Can't Stand The Way He Looks At My Lady Partner........C. D. Auldman
• Many Bridge Players Cheat To A Lesser Extent..................Eve N. Mee 
• That Was The Only Decent Thing Our Ex-chairman Did....Stan Downe 
• We Need To Rid This Club Of Cheats Permanantly............Ann Mia Gunn
• He's Always Peeking At The Opponents' Cards................. B. D. Hyde
• You Need To Shout Out Loud To Call Over A Director .......Jess Holler
• If He Claims To Have Won Trophies Then He's Lying.........Fuller Bluster
• There's Something He Likes Doing More Than Bridge.......Roger Ringbuoys
• Anyone Guilty Of Cheating Deserves A Good Whipping.... A. T. Lashes

THE NORTHERN PRO TELLS HIS PARTNER THE HUGELY SIGNIFICANT FERTS PRINCIPLE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM......

WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYING CARDS AND MAKING LOVE......BIGOT IS ALWAYS IN A RUSH

THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS THE RATIONALE BEHIND HIS INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT BIDDING SYSTEM.......

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE BRIDGE CLUB BAR ROOM

.......BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FRUITINESS COMES TO THE FORE 

THE 10 WORST CRIMES YOU CAN COMMIT AT THE BRIDGE TABLE.......( in rank bad order of heinous and outrageous behaviour )

1. Murder 
2. Plonking a bridgemate down underneath an opponent's nose
3. Assaulting an opponent 
4. Setting fire to or ripping up your scorecard
5. Smirking with glee at an opponent's mistake
6. Vacating your seat in a very damp state
7. Cheating of any kind in any form
8. Farting with gay abandon
9. Shouting obscenities at your hapless partner
10. Picking one's nose or sneezing out loudly