YES..IT'S OUT

......BIGOT-

JOHNSON'S

3RD ISSUE

OF THE MOST

TALKED ABOUT

BRIDGE

MAGAZINE

EVER.....

THE ONE WHICH

MOST PLAYERS

CAN'T WAIT

TO GET

THEIR HANDS

ON........

( for a ripping good time )

BRIDGE BOOKS BIGOT-JOHNSON SWEARS BY....... ( Reports a shell shocked Pun )

• Sorry Partner, I'm Not feeling Too Good.............Ivan Ed Hake
• Oh No ! Here Comes Another Flying Bridgemate....Ima Ducking
• I Cheat Because Everyone Else Does...................A. Morrell
• Both Opponents Were Rude To My Partner.........Zoe Hittem
• Finally, My Wife Has Taken Up The Game............Jay Maiker
• Partner, You're Playing Like A Zombie................R. U. O'Kaye
• Cute Face, Cute Figure, But Clueless At Bridge......Bibi Dahl
• I Love The Way She Faces Up To Bridge Bullies....Alotta Bottle
• Someone Had To Be Dropped From The Team......Bert Y. Mee
• Our Team Has Lost Its Best Player.......................Saul E. Mist

INSIDE THE HEADS

OF EXPERTS : A

LESSON IN THE

ART OF THINKING

..............

( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Experts think about the hands : what is needed for a good match point score, what is needed to bring a contract home, or how to defend to beat it.

Take the above hand for instance.

Our first expert pair bid their way to a sensible 6H contract, which fortuitously came home given the availability of a spade ruff, and the favourable location of the club Ace.

Our second expert pair , who were looking for a bigger haul of the match points , went to 6NT, and initially there appears to be only 10 certain tricks ( 3D, 4H, and 3S ). Undaunted though, the expert looked for a way of making this ambitious contract. Magicians can conjure tricks out of nowhere and so did this declarer sitting South.

On the 8 of diamonds lead, declarer quickly went to work by cashing out the seven red suit winners, basing his plan on finding West with length in both black suits. Since neither of these suits had been considered safe for an opening lead, West felt obliged to make a passive diamond lead from his miserable 3 card suit . Inevitably, he had now come down to 4 spades and the AQ of clubs. So when declarer played a club up towards dummy's king, it was all over. No matter when the Ace was played, South would enjoy 2 club winners... to add to his 3 top spades..... for the contract to come rolling home.

However, we now come to a defender in the West seat of truly master class stature, who also saw the bidding stop at 6NT. He too chose a passive diamond lead, and declarer again took the first seven red suit tricks. But this West could see the pending squeeze in spades, along with fact his partner could well be holding onto at least one winner ( if not 2 ) in diamonds. By throwing away his Ace/ Queen of clubs, all he needed of partner was to have Jx in clubs.

His prayers were answered. Declarer can't make 4 spades, and neither can he enjoy clubs, because when East gets in he will cash his diamond winner to set the contract.

So who was this West ?...........well , if I told you initials were JS , then you have your answer !

BRIDGE PLAYERS FROM HELL : WHAT PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS MIGHT THEY POSSESS ? WHAT THESE DEFORMITIES REVEAL ABOUT THEIR LOATHSOME PERSONALITIES ?........ ( A shocking but revealing article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

• Brown nosed : arse-licking type looking to curry favour with anyone who can satisfy their desperate needs
• Big earred : forever listening into conversations which they are not supposed to, either to gain information for stirring up malicious gossip, or better still , information about hands yet to played by them
• Thick skinned : an innate ability to remain in permanent denial about their failings and shortcomings
• Sharp tongued : never having a kind word to say about anyone , least of all their partners
• Bare-faced : shameless sort, never manly enough to ever grow a moustache or beard
• Evil eyed : lacking in both warmth and humanity
• Big headed : an uncontrollable desire to brag and boast about any success at the table, no matter how insignificant or small
• Fleet-footed : always doing a runner, or making a fast escape when asked to face the consequences of their actions
• Pot bellied : over-weight, lazy by nature, relentless in their quest for sitting seats
• Bow legged : a condition of their weak bones, where buckling has taken place owing to the combined weight of a huge belly and an extremely large head
• Hairy arsed : when rattled displaying the manners of a wild, primitive, uncouth lout

Thankfully, very few bridge players from hell possess all the above characteristics.....but having just one is enough. The painful reality is that they are out there in large numbers .....therefore impossible to avoid.......obnoxious men, who will strive to spoil the wonderful experience this game has to offer .

LAW REPORT:

R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON

2002

( Several years ago Bigot appeared before Doncaster Crown after an incident at his local bridge club, which caused alarm and distress to those looking on. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecutor : Bigot.....you are charged with criminal damage in that you did deliberately, callously, and with beastliness aforethought smash into smithereens Percy Pantopod's most cherished lucky mascot.....a cute, little, bone china pig called Petunia

B-J : I did......but I can assure you it was an accident

Prosecutor : No it wasn't.....the witnesses have all confirmed that your actions were those of a cold blooded killer.....possessed with malice and evil intent

B-J : Hold on there.....am I the sort of man that turns up to friendly social bridge clubs, only to get embroiled in bitter altercations and arguments, causing unpleasantness and trouble all round ?

Prosecutor : Yes.....and I have a list here of all the occasions you have been brought to court on bridge related crimes...... plus every disciplinary hearing you've been summoned to attend as a result of your disgraceful and outrageous behaviour.

B-J ( Reading the list ) : My God......you can't rely on this.....the details are incorrect and full of inaccuracies.....why..... there are dozens of cases and disciplinary hearings you've failed to include.......

Prosecutor : To continue....... if I may......it was clearly apparent to those looking on, that during the 7 board round against Percy results were not going your way.....and you were becoming increasingly agitated and angry. You complained bitterly about your wretched luck........only to be informed by a rather smug Percy that this was all down to Petunia, his lucky mascot, sitting there on the corner of the table. At that point you clenched your fist, raised it high above your head....and then brought it down on top of poor Petunia's head........ it's too horrible too imagine.....

B-J : I Lifted my arm as a salute to the little character.....but unfortunately I had a sudden seizure....my arm went dead.....and gravity took over.... with my clenched fist..... unfortunately..... landing on the little pig.

Prosecutor : You sir are a liar...a bounder and a rotter......the fact remains the pig is in pieces...and as it happens.... so is poor Percy.

Percy ( Sobbing ) : Yes...I loved that little pig.....my Petunia......she meant everything to me. Without her...I have no friend....no soul mate....no one to turn to....and no luck to look forward to.....my life is ruined.

Judge : This is a shocking story, but correct me if I'm wrong ..... although bridge is supposedly a game of skill, luck still has a role to play. Moreover, it is a legal requirement ...if any conviction is to be secured,....that the accused had no lawful excuse to demolish the pig. However....if Bigot felt the pig was the instigator of his misfortune, then it might appear that Bigot did have lawful excuse.

B-J : Bravo ......

Judge : Bigot therefore destroyed the pig for his own protection.......

B-J : Yes...yes....I did it because I had to protect myself from its evil curse....the damn thing had cast an evil spell over me with its horrible googly eyes.....it made me play like a complete baboon. I had to destroy it....

Prosecutor : Your honour....he's just admitted now it wasn't an accident !

Judge : I know....I set a trap and he fell for it....

Prosecutor : Clever.......

Judge : Well, someone had to bring this trial to a speedy conclusion...the accused is as guilty as hell....it's all too evident that his poor results were simply a reflection of what a rubbish player he is....and what's more he's clearly suffering from a deep seated......you'll like this pun.... percy-cution complex...... 6 months in prison is what I'm proposing .....minimum

B-J : Bugger.....

PLACE YOUR

ORDERS NOW

FOR THE

LATEST

EDITION OF

BIGOT -

JOHNSON'S

NEW

SENSATIONAL

MAGAZINE

WHICH HAS

LEFT THE

BRIDGE WORLD

COMPLETELY

SPEECHLESS

.........

( e-mail ripoffmerchants

@ fraudmail.con )

QUOTES OF THE WEEK...........

( Following the sensational story of what took place in Bigot-Johnson's Bridge-Yoga-Meditation class, three more of his students came forward with recollections of their own. )

• " That man told us to meditate for at least 3o seconds if a big decision was called for during the bidding or play of the hand.........well, I tried it........but let me tell you......... meditation isn't what you think... "
• " Bigot reckoned that yoga would help us to become top class bridge players. But more than that ...he then claimed meditation was much better than sitting around doing nothing ..."
• " That man said the power of thought could make us believe we were capable of turning into whatever we wanted to be. In quick succession he asked us to see ourselves as an onion.....a beetroot....a top class bridge player....then an onion again......but I just got myself into a right pickle "

CARDINAL BRIDGE CLUB SUB-COMMITTEE DISCIPLINARY HEARING No.22

( Bigot-Johnson, the newly appointed bridge teacher at the club, once again tried out one of his unorthodox methods on a class of young female students. He firmly believed that it was essential to start the course by first introducing them to yoga, as part of their initial mental training. A short extract from the hearing's transcript appears below. )

Chairman : What the blue blazes has yoga got to do with teaching these young ladies the basics of bridge ?

B-J : Ah....I'm glad you asked me that....because as you know, the secret to playing bridge successfully, requires a mind to be fully focused and concentrating on the game. This of course requires students to learn the art of clearing their minds of useless clutter. Once that has happened, they can then channel all their mental energy into what to bid, and what cards to play.

Chairman : All very well and good.....but we have received a very serious complaint about your behaviour. You told one of your students, as you rushed by her for a speedy exit , how physically attractive she was.

B-J : Yes.....that's correct....but so what !

Chairman : Well, you clearly left her in a very awkward position.....

B-J : Oh....

Chairman : Behaviour like that is a disgrace......you've clearly brought this club into disrepute, and now something needs to be done to restore its good name and reputation........So tell me Bigot....what steps do you intend to take.

B-J : Effing big ones !

( And on that rather abrupt and unsavoury reply, Bigot-Johnson rose from his seat, headed straight for the door, and with giant strides disappeared down the road into the setting sun. )

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.....................

• Hog : a player remarkable for the catholicity of his appetite and desire to play all the hands. Never one to trust his partner to be declarer, the hog will endeavour to play in inferior contracts at the risk of obtaining inferior scores.
• Card : a player who strives to be the joker of the pack. Often an amusing, eccentric person who quickly becomes an infuriating and tedious bore.
• Eavesdropping : a well honed practice of those blessed with acute hearing but cursed with a lack of moral and ethical values. An uncanny ability to unobtrusively and secretly listen in to hand details being discussed on nearby tables.
• Best Behaviour at bridge : a misguided notion that bridge players are capable of changing their sinful ways, and adopting the characteristics of a saint.
• Zero tolerance : a totally flawed policy which many bridge clubs foolishly sign up to, unable to recognise its failure to apply compassion to those provoked by others into acts of wrongdoing .
• Committee members : a group of people who step forward to run the club, either gaining selection on a wave of widespread apathy affecting the absent majority, or on a wave of gerrymandering antics used by a narrow but determined minority, who bothered to vote .
• Bridge meeting minutes : a incredibly brief but sanitised record of what when on behind closed doors, where every single bit of incriminating detail is carefully and methodically edited out
• Prize giving : an end of year ritual tagged onto an AGM, where the club's prolific trophy hunters come to collect their spoils. Often these players are seen huddled together en masse in the bar afterwards laughing and guffawing , in what can only be described as a Mutual Admiration Society.
• MUD : what many less fortunate players would like to throw at these smug we've got more trophies than we know what to do with members of the Mutual Admiration Society

BIGOT-JOHNSON REVEALS HIS TRUE CREDENTIALS AS THE NEW INQUISITIVE BRIDGE CORRESPONDENT FOR THE BAWTRY GAZETTE.........

B-J : Well Larry ....talk to me about me a hand....any hand in fact.....which my readers might find interesting

Larry : Well, it was only last week when I found myself in a bloody hopeless heart slam with losers all over the place.....but would you believe it ...my LHO kicked off by leading his unprotected king of spades straight into my Ace-Queen !

B-J : NO....

Larry : Yes he did.....and was his partner miffed ? I should say so. A right grumpy sod. Reeked of soiled underpants and appalling body odour.

B-J : NO....

Larry : He sure did.....anyway, after I opened every window in the room, I then looked at my Qx of clubs opposite dummy's Ax......and in a bold daring play I volunteered the queen from from my hand. My LHO .....convinced I had the jack behind it, he decided not to cover it.....so the queen held.

B-J : NO

Larry : Oh yes it did.... no losers there in that suit. By now I was on cloud nine. Not surprisingly ...when I cashed the Ace of clubs to eliminate the suit, pongo on my right plonked his jack onto the table in utter disgust. Mind you ....my LHO looked none too pleased either. In fact he was beside himself with rage , starting to jerk forward and back like a man possessed.

B-J : NO

Larry : Without a doubt....this jerking went on for so long clouds of dandruff started falling down onto the green baize like a scene from a Christmas wonderland story

B-J : NO

Larry : Well there were a few flakes.....but he was spitting feathers alright. Big time. So when I ran off all my trumps, he began to squirm even more. He had to decide whether to hold onto spades or diamonds. As it happened he chose spades, lobbing away potential diamond winners.

B-J : NO

Larry : He did....and when he realised I was about to make all my diamonds....and the contract......he went ballistic. Naturally, I turned towards him and said " You sir need to settle down....or I'll be obliged to have you sanctioned under the club's new zero tolerance regime "

B-J : NO ...

Larry : Well, he then looked at me like a man about to commit murder .........so quick as a flash I whipped out a big spliff from my inside pocket.........lit it.....and shoved it right under his nose....in a vain attempt to calm him down.

B-J : NO ...

Larry : Sure did.....but did he take it in the spirit of goodwill and bonhomie ? No bloody chance. He simply called the TD over and stuck me right in it.

B-J : NO....

Larry : Absolutely....before I knew it I was up before the club's disciplinary The Spanish Inquisition Has Got Nothing On Us committee..... on trumped up charges of assault, arson and possession and distribution of drugs

B-J : NO....

Larry : Yes...it was set up alright because the chairman happened to be my LHO. I pleaded mitigating circumstances and a right to a fair hearing. I even went down on my knees and begged for justice.

B-J : NO...

Larry : Oh yes I did......and was I ever likely to get justice ? No way. They fined me £200 and suspended me for 6 months

B-J : NO

Larry : They did ...the bastards......I was gutted....I was really gutted....... so I bided my time....and on a late foggy night wearing a balaclava helmet, I waited for this toe rag outside his house.....only to set about him with a weighty baseball bat

B-J : NO

Larry : And if you don't stop persistently disbelieving everything I say...... I'll be doing the same to you !

B-J : Oh...well in that case....... this interview is terminated.

Larry : Bye

B-J : Bye

BRIDGE BOOKS TO BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES......... ( Research by Pun )

• Looking Aggrieved He Picked Up A Bridgemate......Ann Didwatt
• Result Merchants Are The Ultimate Scavengers.....Carrie Ann Crose
• Kick'em Where It Hurts, Partner ! ..........................Dan Glebitz
• Are You Calling Me A Cheat ?.................................Joanna Fite
• Of Course I Understand Lebensohl.........................Claire Asa Belle
• Bid Boldly And Show A Bit Of Bottle........................Don Beshie
• Her New Partner Will Have To Prove His Worth......Arden Long
• Bridge Clubs With " Men Only " Members................Gay Fellows
• Learn To Play Fast.................................................Ann Loose
• It's Always Best To Come From Behind..................Ria Dorman

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED..................

• Bridge bore : what a player becomes when regaling stories about his triumphs, coups and successes to a tired, dispirited, "we've heard-them-all-before " audience
• Partner : a person we like well enough to play with, but not well enough to be excused from severe bollockings
• Score card : a record of your results, mostly embarrassing, which provides an explanation regarding your position in the bottom 10%, along with the big-eared rabbits and brainless woodentops
• Trophy : usually a silver shaped cup with stand, which is handed out as a reward to those who are experts in carving up rabbits and butchering lambs
• Lawful : the label given to a TD's decision, which succumbed to the will of the defaulting party to the dispute, who clearly benifitted from his/her position of power and status within the club
• Table laughter : interior convulsions which rarely happen during play, given the huge numbers of participating players renown for their grumpiness, sullen behaviour and negative attitudes
• Auction : something you get actively involved in at the start of each hand, being fully prepared to make that one last final bid, which often leads to the ultimate price being paid

MORE SNIPPETS OF CONVERSATION FROM THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC AS THE EBU'S BEST BEHAVIOUR AT BRIDGE INITIATIVE REALLY TAKES OFF........

Table 7 :( Friday ) 7.32 pm

South : That psyche of yours really undid us.....just like it did on the board before !

East : Oh.... I'm so sorry.....but it's a gadget I love to employ against players like you

South : That's nice

East : Yes...I am very careful to use psyches only against players I have utmost respect for

South : Thank you for being so complimentary

East : No......thank you for being so accommodating

Table 7 : 7.36 pm

South : Why....you've just gone and done it again. Another top through an outrageous psyche.

East : Yes....the best one ever

South : Well, it certainly bamboozled my partner and I

East : Indeed....in fact that one would have fooled even international grand masters

South : Thank God for that......I was beginning to think I was a numpy

East : No way.....you're a far better player than the average numpty

South : You're so kind....

Table 9 : 8.27 pm

North : Oh please forgive me....I think I may have revoked on trick 4

East : Well, since my partner and I didn't notice it....we'll pretend it didn't happen

North : That's very sporting of you, I must say

East : Well, it cancels out the deliberate revoke I made against you on an earlier board

North : Guess that evens things out then

East : It sure does....

Table 5 : 9.08 pm

South : Look what you have done....you've shot me in the leg

West : I'm so so sorry.....I did aim to miss

South : Well, I'm glad my leg took the bullet then ....otherwise there would have been a nasty hole in this lovely new carpet

West : My God....you're right....thanks for that

South : No problem....

Table 2 : 9.37 pm

East :...... DOUBLE

South : PASS

West : Now now partner.....that's not nice doubling their slam when I'm sitting here holding a fist full of trumps. I think you should take that bid back ........Is that alright with you North ?

North : Yes, absolutely

West : So that's it then.....6H is the contract....... undoubled

South : You're a saint

West : Yes....I do like to think so

Table 4 : 10.15 pm

East : Oh dear...I thought the TD would have given the decision our way

South : Sorry....that was never going to happen. He's a very good friend of ours

East : How nice.....it must be so useful to have friends in high places

South : Indeed it is

Table 6 : 10.17 pm

North : Well done you two..... such marvellous skill and ruthless efficiency shown there, in the way you capitalised on my partner's four unfortunate errors in his declarer play

East : Yes...we both feel really bad about it. Taking gifts without giving something back makes us feel cheap and nasty. Indeed, we are deeply embarrassed at having to take a top in such sad and tragic circumstances

North : You're so gracious...

Table 5 : 10.22 pm

West : Oh no partner....what can I say....I've gone off in grand slam simply because I took the finesse at trick 10 the wrong way

North : That must have hurt you a great deal

West : Yes....it jolly well did

North : Well....would you like to play the last 4 tricks again and this time guess right on the finesse

West : That would be mavellous....if that's alright with you

North : Of course it is.....I hate to see a grown man cry

NEWS FLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON IMPOSES THE EBU'S BEST BEHAVIOUR AT BRIDGE POLICY AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC

Contrary to all expectations shocked and stunned club members found themselves playing bridge under the EBU's recommended code of conduct. Bigot had insisted that civility, politeness and consideration for others was the only way forward to promote bridge as a no-fear, friendly, social game. So why not sit back and feast yourself on this random selection of conversation snippets recorded at club's most recent Thursday night duplicate.

Table 4 : 7.45 pm

East : Tell me , sir, what have you got in your hand ?

South : Oh .... you really want to know ?

East : Yes

South : Well....here....take a good look....I really wouldn't you want to strain your neck and injure yourself .

East : How thoughtful of you.....a true gentleman indeed

Table 7 : 8.05 pm

East : So North....what have you got to say now ?

North : I'm so sorry....I really am.....please accept my humble apologies....I had no right whatsoever to strike your iron fist with my delicate brittle-boned nose

Table 9 : 8.17 pm

South : That convention you used.......is it on your system card ?

West : No..

South : Oh ... well , please don't report me to the TD for causing you such embarrassment

West : Would dream of it.....

South : Thank you....thank you......I won't bother you again

Table 8 : 9.00 pm

West : How did you know to play the Ace dropping my singleton king ....with 7 cards missing in the suit ?

South : That decision was easy....I couldn't help but overhear the conversation about this hand when it was played earlier on the next table

West : Now that's what I call seizing an opportunity, staying focused and alert....the hallmarks of a truly great player

Table 6 : 9.47 pm

North : Sorry partner that double of theirs proved very costly indeed

South : Oh...you mustn't concern yourself one jot....minus 1100 is nothing....any other bid from you might well have cost us far more

North : Thank you ...you're so understanding

Table 11 : 9.55 pm

East : Did I hear correctly ? You called me a rabbit ?

West : Yes I did....but why do you ask ?

East : Well...I don't normally get compliments about my long slender years, and my ability to mimic small cuddly pets

West : Well, what else could I say ?

Table 3 : 10.15 pm

East : May I take my bid back ?

South : Of course....I have no problem with that

East : Oops....I think I've made another incorrect bid ......may I take this one back as well ?

South : By all means

East : Christ....I've done it again...oh dear.....I just don't know what bid to make ?

South : Allow me to have a look at your hand.... ah, I see your problem.....perhaps your best bid is to pass and await developments

East : Thank you...thank you..........PASS

South : No...thank you...this passed out hand has given us a complete top

East : Well, you clearly deserved it for being so forgiving and helpful

JUST IMAGINE IF THE EBU WAS ASKED TO DRAW UP A " BEST BEHAVIOUR AT FOOTBALL " CODE....... ( Article by Carp )

....

....

" Football is an extremely enjoyable game. Courteous behaviour is an exceptionally important part of that enjoyment even when crippled by a vicious opponent, booked or sent off by the referee, or given off-side when the goal scoring run was timed to perfection.

This guide serves as a brief reminder of how to behave on the football pitch. We are sure that all players naturally follow this code of conduct, but there are times when concentration and pressure can take their toll, and it is for these situations that we issue this as a reminder.

1. Greet all the opposition players in a friendly manner prior to start of each half .

2. Be a good host, helping opponents back onto their feet if they come off worse following their lunging two-footed tackles from behind.

3. Make up your mind which side of the goal you intend to shoot at and indicate to the opposition goal-keeper what decision you have come to.

4. Make football enjoyable for yourself, opponents and officials. Try to see the funny side of having a good goal disallowed, an unjust penalty awarded against you, or seeing team mates sent off for innocuous fouls.

5. Congratulate your opponents whenever they score a goal, earn a penalty, free-kick, corner or throw-in.

6. Take care to keep yourself clean at all times, ensuring that your shirt stays neatly tucked into your shorts, and socks regularly pulled up.

7. Ensure that you don't shout on the pitch, or get the crowd too excited, so that noise levels can be kept low.

8. Enjoy getting along with your opponents irrespective of their desire to trample all over you.

Remember that it is rude to criticise opponents even when they foul and cheat their way to victory. Moreover it is very ungentlemanly to be less than polite on the pitch, to indulge in any kind of goal-scoring celebrations, or to challenge the decisions of biased referees and linesmen.

As in all games that our governed by rules and regulations, bad behaviour will be penalized.....

If a player on the pitch behaves in an unacceptable manner, the Football Association Disciplinary Director needs to be notified immediately. Screaming out in pain from unfair challenges, making disparaging remarks about victimisation, and/or bullying by your opponents, not to mention any other conduct which might interfere with the other side's enjoyment of the game will violate the Law 74A. Law 91 A gives the referee the authority to make any award he likes to the opposition, and to impose the severest penalties on those who show dissent. These can include immediate yellow or red cards ( some of which may be marked with a large black spot ). These will then be followed up by lengthy bans, where one's future participation in any aspect of football may be put at risk. "

...

...

English Bridge Union in partnership with the Football Association 2011.

PROVOCATION IN BRIDGE : REBECCA SEES RED

Dear Readers,

In law when offenders say have been found guilty of domestic violence, the defence will appeal to the judge for a lenient sentence based on two key mitigating factors.

The first being that the defendant is a person of positive good character, and that his " bad behaviour " was completely out of character. The second factor ( which often links into the first ) is that the defendant was provoked to such an extent, a reasonable person would have responded and reacted in the same way.

Provocation is often used to incite others to lose control. In the context of a bridge club it appears in the guise of a repeated verbal assaults, a particular nasty form of psychological bullying. Players who set out to provoke others are in my view cowardly, nasty, sadistic and mean. Since many are extremely practiced in this dark art using clever, devious and subtle ways of inciting others to " go overboard ", their malicious intent is cannot be denied.

Rattling, goading, needling, baiting and unnerving players is often a tactic to unsettle vulnerable opponents. This can be very effective is establishing that all important competitive edge. For instance if an unscrupulous player sees his next opponent as one who loathes and objects to psyches, then this is the perfect opportunity to stick one in on the first board they play. Whatever the outcome the rattled opponent will not stay calm and collected for the remaining boards. Moreover, there is every likelihood when he/she gets angry, a complaint will go in about his/her behaviour, compounding their distress and inability to think straight.

When committees hear complaints about explosive outbursts, those charged with disciplinary breaches will often claim they were provoked. Yet I ask myself, how many of their claims are fully investigated and taken into account as mitigating factors ? Are those responsible for the provocation ever brought before the committee to face disciplinary charges ? I think not !

Players who indulge in clever, devious and subtle provocation are all to often allowed to get away with it. They rarely get into trouble, and if questioned deny all responsibility. Proving malicious intent is difficult. As a result the full force of zero tolerance sanctions are directed at those who responded badly to provocation, .......but never at the perpetrators. Such injustice.

Kahlil Gibran , a great poet, philosopher and prophet , made some very profound and revealing observations about human behaviour, which all of us should to take on board :

- " The guilty is oftentimes the victim of the injured "

- " And still more often the condemned (man) is the burden bearer for the guiltless and unblamed "

Indeed, what he is alluding to is the notion that the wrongdoer is in reality the victim of crimes committed by those who claim that an injustice has been done against them. If for instance a bridge player violently reacts to yet further cheating or slow play tactics by opponents , is he not the victim of two far greater crimes ? Has he not become the burden bearer for those who, in the minds of misguided onlookers, appear guiltless and unblamed ?

Therefore, it is my contention that many who fall foul of zero tolerance policies are victims of crimes committed against them. Victims of provocation. Victims of psychological bullying. And although two wrongs don't make a right, some tolerance and understanding needs to be applied when acknowledging the mitigating circumstances surrounding their alleged misconduct. However, what is far more important is that zero tolerance policies should target those who are the root cause of unpleasant incidents at the table.....players who, by inciting others to sin, commit a far greater one.

Yours fighting for justice, Rebecca

THE EBU'S BEST BEHAVIOUR AT BRIDGE CODE : REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS OUT AGAIN

Dear Readers,

While I'm at it....... I need to say a few words about the EBU's guide to making bridge a more friendlier and enjoyable experience.

The main objective of their BB@B initiative is to get rude, objectionable, highly critical, sharp-tongued players to change their ways. The code attempts to remind them that good behaviour should be based on civility , politeness and consideration towards others. It stresses the importance of friendly greetings, being a good host, smiling, congratulating others, turning out well groomed, switching off mobiles and engaging in social chi-chat. In contrast the code states that gloating, objecting, disputing and arguing are all forms of unacceptable behaviour.

BUT WHERE THE HELL IN THIS SO CALLED BEST BEHAVIOUR CODE ARE REFERENCES TO WHAT I CALL EVEN MORE APPALLING BEHAVIOUR IN BRIDGE ?

There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that these unmentioned kinds of appalling behaviour are the very triggers which cause the bad behaviour the EBU seeks only only to address. Indeed, bad behaviour as they define it wouldn't occur at all , if the real villains were cracked down upon first. These are ones who commit acts of the worst, most heinous kind, which no one but me seems bothered about. Outrageous behaviour like.....

- cheating

- unethical table antics

- coffee-housing

- making condescending and patronising remarks/gestures

- SLOW PLAY

- fidgeting, finger strumming, humming

- plus other irritating mannerisms/habits

- adopting an air of lordly superiority, self-importance and arrogance

- (partners) playing like complete lunatics or fools

- (partners) hogging the bidding and refusing to count/watch the cards played

These examples all represent forms of highly provocative behaviour, which by any definition is unforgivable. By triggering negative emotions and reactions in others, how can it be right to condemn these poor highly sensitive victims for responding in an instinctive and natural way. To target them as " the baddies " makes a mockery of the EBU code. The wrong people hare being targeted, allowing the real culprits of bad behaviour to continue their foul practices with impunity.

What a travesty ! So if the EBU really wants to see an improvement in behaviour at clubs and tournament venues, then they need to recognise the root cause of the problem ...... namely THE MASTERS OF PROVOCATION.

Yours forever blunt and forever Rood

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES : REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS HER MIND

Dear Readers,

Zero Tolerance ( Best Behaviour ) Policies should be scrapped. They're a load of bollocks. Ever since they've been introduced into bridge clubs , the previous high octane atmosphere and buzz one loved to experience in such places has gone. Everyone now goes around politely smiling and talking to one another, adopting false facades and banal platitudes.

So yes, zero tolerance policies have targeted intolerant players, who in their defence are innocent victims of their own impatience , impetuousness, sharp wit and blunt honesty. These initiatives have regrettably led to an avalanche of fines, temporary suspensions and expulsions. Colourful, witty, highly entertaining, larger-than-life characters have now been reduced to white, mouse-like, shadows of their former selves, unable to say boo to a goose. It's too horrible to see !

But what really sticks in my craw is the fact that " zero tolerance " is in itself the most blatant form of intolerance going. People who dreamt up and/or enforce thess policies are completely intolerant of those who they claim are intolerant of others. How can it be right to condemn intolerance with intolerance. If clubs want players to show more tolerance to those who play at the pace of a snail, make foolish and idiotic mistakes, and engage in a raft of unethical practices, then why not re-educate them to handle their frustration, anger and despair in a more civilised way.

Jesus, as I recall, one remarked " let he who is without sin cast the first stone ". Well, hard-nosed, unforgiving enforcers of zero tolerance clearly don't take this view on board. Neither do they take into account any mitigating circumstances for the player's Human Condition. The policy is extreme in that it is both unreasonable and cruel, which in turn makes it a sin in itself.

Indeed, I have real sympathy for someone who has been needled and provoked by others ( who I might add always escape scott free ) only to be singled out as the guilty transgressor. Slow players, for instance, who have an uncanny knack of causing other players to explode are far more guilty of " intolerance of others ". They don't give a damn about how they ruin the game for all concerned, how much time they steal from others , and how much all round frustration they cause. No....these soporific, thoughtful, quiet, harmless types get away with blue murder, while the player who gives them a right mouthful gets singled out as the wrongdoer.

And on a final point, I have never seen zero tolerance policies in operation in any other institution. Why just look at the Catholic church in Ireland which for years allowed paedophilia to run rampant behind closed doors, closed minds and closed ranks. If a church like that can tolerate that vile and disgusting criminal behaviour, then what's the big deal about a frustrated player calling his hopeless, mistake-ridden partner " a complete prat " .

Yours refreshingly Rood

...

(ps. would anyone care to comment for once ? )

BRIDGE BOOKS GUARANTEED TO GET YOU EXCITED...... ( Claims panting Pun )

• No Way Can He Make This Grand Slam........... Ivor Haart Wynner
• My Partner's A Saint........................................Avery Goodman
• My My That Was A Close Call...........................Cy A. Raleefe
• What Two Professionals Needing Sponsors?.....Hiram Quigley
• Some Players Can Be Really Prickly.................Rose Thorn
• I'm At The Top Of My Game.............................Luke Ken Sharpe
• We've Got A Lot Of Ground To Make Up...........Hilda Clyme
• Some Bastards Keep Pissing In My Pond..........Gordon Gnomes
• My Partner's Forever Day Dreaming................Edina Cloud
• Yes , You Pay To Play with Me.........................Ima Hoare

WHY ARE BRIDGE PLAYERS SO GRUMPY ?........ ( Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi investigates )

Some commentators say it is " an age thing ", in that the older we get the grumpier we seem to become. Bridge unfortunately happens to be a game which attracts and appeals to older players, and it is not surprising therefore to see grumpiness on an unprecedented scale inside bridge clubs the world over.

The theory is that by the age of 50, bridge players have already endured enough disappointments in their lives to last them a life-time. Their threshold limits have been reached. The next disappointment will the straw which breaks the camel's back. They allow subsequent disappointments, no matter how small or insignificant, to ignite explosive outbursts fuelled by irritation, frustration and anger. They become unable to handle the annoyances , absurdities, and bullshit that come their way when alleged misdemeanours are voiced at the table, or perhaps later on when the end-of-board post mortems get out of control. In truth they develop inability to cope with the bizarreness that defines the world of bridge .

Indeed, some researchers claim that grumpiness in bridge players is a clinical syndrome. They seem to possess a natural predisposition to be grumpy. This means that the constant exposure to others, who persistently moan about and berate everything and everybody, simply " triggers " this latent and dormant tendency into full blown whinging.

Another theory centres upon the idea that bridge players seem unable to suffer fools gladly. Fools who forget what's on their system card, fools who believe in magical thinking, fools to like to hand out gifts to undeserving opponents.........complete prats in fact, who have to be suffered but never with a smile. Moreover, when players have a burning desire to point out the nakedness of all those emperors , who parade around in large numbers in their bridge club sanctuaries, it is inevitable that grumpy, snide remarks come thick and fast, savage and sharp .

However my research has nailed the fundamental albeit underlying cause of grumpiness for once and for all. It is firmly based on the hypothesis that grumpiness in bridge players is in direct correlation with the degree of disappointment, despair and frustration they experience during play. These feelings are in turn based on the sense of " unmet expectations ". If any of their expectations are not met, the greater the need to express their negative feelings through biting criticism and verbal abuse......along side other acts of petulant and grumpy behaviour.

The sad fact is that bridge players, by and large, enter competitive arenas full of hope and expectation. They expect partners to play to their full potential. They expect of themselves to have an error free session and to play perfect bridge. They expect opponents to behave ethically , to be gracious in victory or defeat, to hand out a few gifts now and again, and not to benefit from crass mistakes they make in their bidding or play. They expect ( often foolishly ) the cards to be lying exactly where they want them , or need them, to be. Therefore, given there are so many unrealistic expectations, the likelihood of them all being met is zero. This in turn means that when 50% or more are unmet, the list of things to moan about becomes so overwhelming the recorded level of grumpiness goes completely off the Richter scale.

In extreme cases, hard-nosed grumpy bridge players fail to cope with even the smallest unfulfilled expectation. Each disappointment adds fuel to a fire already out of control. What others often see is the physical containment of a seething cauldron of irritation and frustration, which only requires just one more tiny bit of provocation to cause feelings to boil over into something very ugly indeed.

Can zero tolerance best behaviour policies suppress grumpiness , or even possibly eradicate it, from the bridge arenas, I just don't know ? But what I do know is that no one has ever been able to keep a lid on a boiling pot. The secret is to release the pressure that builds up in a careful and controlled manner. This is why I have always been a big advocate of supplying bridge players , especially those with grumpy dispositions, with muffle cushions. Players can be take them out into the corridors, and placed over their mouths the moment they need to scream out in pain.

BEHIND THE SCENES AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC AS PERCY PANTOPOD TRIES TO GET REINSTATED..........

At few months ago at the AGM, Percy had been kicked out of the club for good, but he refused to accept his expulsion lying down. Bigot was then mortified when he heard that Percy intended to appeal against the committee's decision , as was his right under the club's existing but flawed constitution. Unable to rig the ballot to get Ronnie and Reggie on board, Bigot realized that the five randomly selected panelists were in obvious need of expert guidance and advice to deal with this very difficult and onerous task .

So for their benefit and welfare, the kind and considerate chairman laid down the following rules, which he hoped of course would negate any chance of Percy being reinstated as a club member :

1. All panelists must take an oath of allegiance, which reads as follows : The committee's decisions are always right. Long live Bigot and his wonderful committee. Down with anyone who even dares to challenge any of its rulings.

2. You must pull out every stop to deny the appellant's right, or wish, to be legally represented, especially if he/she is looking to enlist the services of someone who knows the score.

3. You must also deny the appellant's right to have anyone else present, who might be able to offer assistance in terms of legal knowledge and moral support.

4. Even if the appellant is mentally retarded in any way, or has the intellectual capacity and wit of a child, rules 2 and 3 will still apply.

5. Once we get the errant member presenting his/her own case, you are duty bound to reach the conclusion that his/her bad behaviour will resurface again at the hearing. Any continued criticism and condemnation of the committee will be clear proof of their rebellious tendencies, which cannot help but undermine and invalidate arguments he/she is relying upon .

6. There will be no need to question any of the witnesses brought by the appellant, because you are under no duty whatsoever to take any of their submissions into account. Clearly, if they are on his/her side then they are all liars.

7. You must ignore all the arguments, contentions, opinions, and conclusions made by the appellant's witnesses. In an ideal set up, you must insist they make only statements of fact, which of course pose far less of a threat than any logical interpretation of them.

8. You must at all times replace any notion of fairness, impartiality, and objectivity with prejudice, bias and subjectivity ( in favour of the committee ).

9. You must always remember that in hearings of this kind, there is an irrefutable presumption that the appellant has no valid grounds on which to challenge the committee's rulings. However, you must do your utmost to give the impression that you have (a) listened attentively, and (b) given a decision based on careful consideration and analysis of the facts .

10. You must not permit any hearsay evidence whatsoever to be introduced by the appellant or his/her witnesses. The fact that the original complaint to the committee was based on hearsay evidence is completely irrelevant, and should therefore be ignored.

11. You must strive like crazy to end the hearing within 30 minutes, looking to adopt the same abruptness, ruthless efficiency, and " cut and dried " approach as the committee did at the original disciplinary hearing, when they without hesitation upheld the complaint and implemented an appropriate punishment.

12. You must adopt the position that the only rules that count are the ones written into the club's constitution and regulations. Strip from your mind the notion that rules of natural justice apply in situations like this. Its the machinery of process that matters, not the manner or way in which that process is carried out.

13. Under the club's about-to-be-revised constitution and regulations, " any actions " which undermine the good work put in by the chairman ( and his loyal committee ) shall be regarded as gross misconduct, subjecting all those responsible to instant reprisals and ultimate expulsion from the club. This essential change will also have retrospective effect.

14. Before taking up your posts on the panel, you are required to give Ronnie and Reggie your names and addresses, along with accurate details of the whereabouts and movements of your close family and friends.

A REALLY TRUE STORY.................... ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

I hate cheats but sadly the game of bridge is plagued by them. Thankfully, only a few players set out with deliberate intent, but this simply means the large majority remain blissfully unaware that their unethical behaviour is tantamount to cheating. All these players need a salutary lesson or two in How To Become A Truly Ethical Player , and who better to demonstrate the true meaning of ethical play than Alvin Roth.

This particular bridge story, without doubt, provides a benchmark for all of us to judge ourselves by, and of course to judge others. Alvin found himself defending 7NT in a high stake money game. The hand focussed upon the heart suit in a 3 card ending, with declarer (South) holding AJ10 opposite dummy's Kxx. Alvin , who was sitting East, held the all important queen.

Declarer started by leading the jack from his own hand. West then went into an Oscar winning performance of tortured indecision in an attempt to make South think he had the critical card......before eventually playing low. South, taken in by this amazing theatrical performance, also played low................ AS DID ALVIN !

When Alvin's crestfallen partner realised that Alvin did have the queen after all, and that the grand slam could have been defeated, he rounded on him like a man ready to kill . " Why in God's name didn't you take the trick when you had a chance ? "

The ethical man thought for a moment before replying. His softly spoken words however still carried a polite hint of criticism. " Oh, I'm so sorry.....but you totally convinced me that you had the queen......so naturally I figured the one I was holding must have been a figment of my imagination ".