B-J : Well Larry ....talk to me about me a hand....any hand in fact.....which my readers might find interesting
Larry : Well, it was only last week when I found myself in a bloody hopeless heart slam with losers all over the place.....but would you believe it ...my LHO kicked off by leading his unprotected king of spades straight into my Ace-Queen !
B-J : NO....
Larry : Yes he did.....and was his partner miffed ? I should say so. A right grumpy sod. Reeked of soiled underpants and appalling body odour.
B-J : NO....
Larry : He sure did.....anyway, after I opened every window in the room, I then looked at my Qx of clubs opposite dummy's Ax......and in a bold daring play I volunteered the queen from from my hand. My LHO .....convinced I had the jack behind it, he decided not to cover it.....so the queen held.
B-J : NO
Larry : Oh yes it did.... no losers there in that suit. By now I was on cloud nine. Not surprisingly ...when I cashed the Ace of clubs to eliminate the suit, pongo on my right plonked his jack onto the table in utter disgust. Mind you ....my LHO looked none too pleased either. In fact he was beside himself with rage , starting to jerk forward and back like a man possessed.
B-J : NO
Larry : Without a doubt....this jerking went on for so long clouds of dandruff started falling down onto the green baize like a scene from a Christmas wonderland story
B-J : NO
Larry : Well there were a few flakes.....but he was spitting feathers alright. Big time. So when I ran off all my trumps, he began to squirm even more. He had to decide whether to hold onto spades or diamonds. As it happened he chose spades, lobbing away potential diamond winners.
B-J : NO
Larry : He did....and when he realised I was about to make all my diamonds....and the contract......he went ballistic. Naturally, I turned towards him and said " You sir need to settle down....or I'll be obliged to have you sanctioned under the club's new zero tolerance regime "
B-J : NO ...
Larry : Well, he then looked at me like a man about to commit murder .........so quick as a flash I whipped out a big spliff from my inside pocket.........lit it.....and shoved it right under his nose....in a vain attempt to calm him down.
B-J : NO ...
Larry : Sure did.....but did he take it in the spirit of goodwill and bonhomie ? No bloody chance. He simply called the TD over and stuck me right in it.
B-J : NO....
Larry : Absolutely....before I knew it I was up before the club's disciplinary The Spanish Inquisition Has Got Nothing On Us committee..... on trumped up charges of assault, arson and possession and distribution of drugs
B-J : NO....
Larry : Yes...it was set up alright because the chairman happened to be my LHO. I pleaded mitigating circumstances and a right to a fair hearing. I even went down on my knees and begged for justice.
B-J : NO...
Larry : Oh yes I did......and was I ever likely to get justice ? No way. They fined me £200 and suspended me for 6 months
B-J : NO
Larry : They did ...the bastards......I was gutted....I was really gutted....... so I bided my time....and on a late foggy night wearing a balaclava helmet, I waited for this toe rag outside his house.....only to set about him with a weighty baseball bat
B-J : NO
Larry : And if you don't stop persistently disbelieving everything I say...... I'll be doing the same to you !
B-J : Oh...well in that case....... this interview is terminated.
Larry : Bye
B-J : Bye
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