Saturday, 19 July 2014
Friday, 18 July 2014
REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........
Dear Rebecca,
Every week I end up playing duplicate bridge with people who condemn me to endless run of below average scores , and a national ranking well below my status of a top class player.
It seems to me that I am the poor unfortunate victim of clueless partners , wretched bad luck and cheating opponents.
Am I cursed ? Persecuted ? Paranoid ? Or what ?
Yours in despair ,
Riley Downe
Dear Riley,
Your plight is no different from that of many other bridge players who have the misfortune to partner those who fall short of the grade. And yes , whenever you end up with a rabbit as a partner , your misery will be compounded by foul luck and unethical practices , which always come to the aid of undeserving opponents. That it is the way things work out. That's life !
Nevertheless , why allow bad results to ruin your game. The real joy and pleasure one gets from bridge is in the participation, never the outcome.
As it happens my father was a good bridge player and was quite at ease with the fact he rarely got above 40%. He always knew that his contribution was a score around 65% , while his partner's input rarely exceeded 20 %. Moreover , his real pleasure was in allocating and apportioning blame after the duplicate was over. In this respect he was a true expert.
So why not learn to accept the harsh realities of life at the bridge table , and always convert a poor partnership performance into a personal and magnificent triumph.
Yours grounded as ever,
Rebecca Rood
Dear Rebecca,
Every week I end up playing duplicate bridge with people who condemn me to endless run of below average scores , and a national ranking well below my status of a top class player.
It seems to me that I am the poor unfortunate victim of clueless partners , wretched bad luck and cheating opponents.
Am I cursed ? Persecuted ? Paranoid ? Or what ?
Yours in despair ,
Riley Downe
Dear Riley,
Your plight is no different from that of many other bridge players who have the misfortune to partner those who fall short of the grade. And yes , whenever you end up with a rabbit as a partner , your misery will be compounded by foul luck and unethical practices , which always come to the aid of undeserving opponents. That it is the way things work out. That's life !
Nevertheless , why allow bad results to ruin your game. The real joy and pleasure one gets from bridge is in the participation, never the outcome.
As it happens my father was a good bridge player and was quite at ease with the fact he rarely got above 40%. He always knew that his contribution was a score around 65% , while his partner's input rarely exceeded 20 %. Moreover , his real pleasure was in allocating and apportioning blame after the duplicate was over. In this respect he was a true expert.
So why not learn to accept the harsh realities of life at the bridge table , and always convert a poor partnership performance into a personal and magnificent triumph.
Yours grounded as ever,
Rebecca Rood
Thursday, 17 July 2014
REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..........
Dear Rebecca,
I'm sick and tired of people going on about how horrible it is play at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. Well, I'm a member there and it is bloody great.
Where else would I get to butcher rabbits by the dozen , lay into hapless and inept partners with utter loathing and contempt , swear like a trooper , cheat like a dog and behave in a thoroughly objectionable way......without so much as a whisper of disapproval , polite warning or risk of a reprimand.
This wonderful little haven is the only place I know where you can be who you really are.
Yours...... living is for those who really love life,
Evan Hisell
Dear Evan,
Yes , you do have a point. Most of us spend our lives trapped inside strait-jackets of conformity , forced to behave in accordance with regulated codes of conduct , and other people's rules about acceptable standards of behaviour. The alternative is chaos , bedlam and anarchy.
However , as much as the Slaughter House might be right up your street , I happen to have principles ( based on decency and respect ) which I would never compromise.
Yours quite willing to stand up for the helpless and weak,
Rebecca Rood
Dear Rebecca,
I'm sick and tired of people going on about how horrible it is play at the Slaughter House Bridge Club. Well, I'm a member there and it is bloody great.
Where else would I get to butcher rabbits by the dozen , lay into hapless and inept partners with utter loathing and contempt , swear like a trooper , cheat like a dog and behave in a thoroughly objectionable way......without so much as a whisper of disapproval , polite warning or risk of a reprimand.
This wonderful little haven is the only place I know where you can be who you really are.
Yours...... living is for those who really love life,
Evan Hisell
Dear Evan,
Yes , you do have a point. Most of us spend our lives trapped inside strait-jackets of conformity , forced to behave in accordance with regulated codes of conduct , and other people's rules about acceptable standards of behaviour. The alternative is chaos , bedlam and anarchy.
However , as much as the Slaughter House might be right up your street , I happen to have principles ( based on decency and respect ) which I would never compromise.
Yours quite willing to stand up for the helpless and weak,
Rebecca Rood
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........
- Ideal Partner : a person who dislikes the same club members as you do
- Patience : what players only seem to have when they don't know what card they should play next
- Gross ignorance : what your dreadful partners are guilty of being 144 times worst than the prevailing level of ignorance within the club membership
- Feedback : what you get from a critical partner who ate far too many red hot chili bake beans for his dinner
- Conscience : ( a ) what is severely lacking in the psychological make up of a cheat and (b) the inner voice which only speaks to a player when there's the likelihood of someone somewhere looking on
- Amnesia : a condition that enables a player who has endured an extremely severe bollocking to play again with the same foul-mouthed partner
- Partnership : a classic example of a paradox
- Table yawn : an honest opinion openly expressed
- Committee : an institution in which the whole is equal to the scum of its parts
- Hope : a disappointment deferred
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED.......
- Ace : in the context of flying bridgemates a crack pilot with a unrelenting passion for close encounters
- 2nd session : the latter part of a tournament where most players spend all their time wondering why they flunked so badly in the first
- Sell out : a decision by players to allow the opponents to play in 3 of a minor when game is on their way
- Depression : what many bridge players suffer from when expressing their anger with a total lack of enthusiasm
- Treasurer : a person voted into office to hoodwink members into thinking the club is in a better financial shape than it actually is
- Bridge bore : an extremely pompous player who is forever me-deep in conversation
- Justice : something that only takes place when the decision goes in the committee's favour at the end of a fiercely contested legal dispute
- Tomorrow : the day an average bridge player expects his/her game to improve
- Letter of apology : a written statement of regret , sorry and remorse which lays the foundation for re-offending
- Bridge prodigy : a child who can steer home extremely difficult contracts long after he/she ought to be in bed
Sunday, 13 July 2014
THE TELLING TELL-TALE SIGNS THAT SOMEONE IS A MEMBER OF THE INFAMOUS SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB........
1. An amazing ability through years of practice of ducking out of the way of low flying objects
2. An arthritic middle figure from years of over use
3. A big mouth , a sharp tongue and a disgusting vocabulary to complement both
4. An ever-growing appetite for sado-masochistic behaviour
5. A disfigured face with a nose having been knocked out of joint on numerous occasions
6. Several scars on the back from repeated stabbings , inflicted by so-called friends and allies
7. Complete lack of moral fibre , conscience and remorse
8. A distorted belief that table altercations and out-of-order disputes add a valuable dimension to the game
9. A misguided view that kowtowing to the club chairman is a mandatory requirement
10. An inability to smile with genuine warmth and affection
11. A reluctance to engage eye contact given that this kind of behaviour at the table is considered as an overt aggressive act
12. A constant and repetitive facial twitch resulting from years of using highly visual and effective communication methods with partners of long standing and little integrity
13. A passionate pursuit of oneupmanship at the expense of sportsmanship
14. An unshakable believe that results matter , and that the ends will always justify the means
15. A well developed instinct of keeping one's head below the parapet , born out of necessity and/or self-preservation
16. A deep dread , loathing and fear of those who keep secrets and , of course , a certain kind of dossier
1. An amazing ability through years of practice of ducking out of the way of low flying objects
2. An arthritic middle figure from years of over use
3. A big mouth , a sharp tongue and a disgusting vocabulary to complement both
4. An ever-growing appetite for sado-masochistic behaviour
5. A disfigured face with a nose having been knocked out of joint on numerous occasions
6. Several scars on the back from repeated stabbings , inflicted by so-called friends and allies
7. Complete lack of moral fibre , conscience and remorse
8. A distorted belief that table altercations and out-of-order disputes add a valuable dimension to the game
9. A misguided view that kowtowing to the club chairman is a mandatory requirement
10. An inability to smile with genuine warmth and affection
11. A reluctance to engage eye contact given that this kind of behaviour at the table is considered as an overt aggressive act
12. A constant and repetitive facial twitch resulting from years of using highly visual and effective communication methods with partners of long standing and little integrity
13. A passionate pursuit of oneupmanship at the expense of sportsmanship
14. An unshakable believe that results matter , and that the ends will always justify the means
15. A well developed instinct of keeping one's head below the parapet , born out of necessity and/or self-preservation
16. A deep dread , loathing and fear of those who keep secrets and , of course , a certain kind of dossier
Saturday, 12 July 2014
BIGOT-JOHNSON'S LATEST BATCH OF AWARDS FOR SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC MEMBERS TO GET REALLY SNIFFY ABOUT............
Bigot has always been an inquisitive sort of man , keen to poke his nose into the affairs of other bridge clubs and the kinds of awards they choose to give their members. With little to show for his research effects , he then miraculously had a flash of real inspiration. Why not have a whole load of NOSE AWARDS......to celebrate the shortcomings and failings of The Human Condition ......which of course are endemic within any bridge club membership !
1. Keep One's Nose Clean Awards.....for committee members most skilled in avoiding any suspicion of malpractice being directed at them
2. Turn Up One's Nose Award .....for the player who refuses point blank to partner anyone deemed to be inferior , usually by expressing sheer contempt for lowly status and ranking
3. See No Further Than The End Of One's Nose Awards.....for any member guilty of a frightening lack of foresight , perception and discernment
4. With One's Nose In The Air Award......for the most arrogant , pompous, bastard who comes to the table with that high and mighty , haughty, self-righteous , holier-than-thou attitude
5. Put Someone's Nose Out Of Joint Award.....for the rebel , dissenter and renegade who successfully rocks others' boats , scuppering and thwarting their best laid plans
6. Cut Off One's Nose To Spite One's Face Awards.....for players who commit extremely aggressive acts out of pique or spite , quite prepared to incur greater harm to themselves should things get out of control
7. Get Up Someone's Nose Award ....for the errant pilot of a bridgemate with a penchant for flying the craft right up close to an opponent's nose
8. Pay Through The Nose Award .....for the dodgy professional who overcharges sponsors to such an extent police have been called in to launch investigations into obtaining money by , or under , false pretences
9. Lead Someone By The Nose Awards....for committee members most adept at persuading ordinary members to do as they are told and to vote accordingly
10. Rub Someone's Nose In It Award .....for the most unforgiving member who specialises in exposing the mistakes of others , by recalling what happened at the table in front of willing listeners looking to have a laugh at someone else's expense
11. Under One's Award Award .....for the dimwit who regularly misses clear-cut signals , obvious plays and blatant clues at the table, for no other reason except crass stupidity
12. No Skin Of My Nose Award.....for the member who happily picks a fight with another being utterly convinced that he/she will suffer no adverse effect
Bigot has always been an inquisitive sort of man , keen to poke his nose into the affairs of other bridge clubs and the kinds of awards they choose to give their members. With little to show for his research effects , he then miraculously had a flash of real inspiration. Why not have a whole load of NOSE AWARDS......to celebrate the shortcomings and failings of The Human Condition ......which of course are endemic within any bridge club membership !
1. Keep One's Nose Clean Awards.....for committee members most skilled in avoiding any suspicion of malpractice being directed at them
2. Turn Up One's Nose Award .....for the player who refuses point blank to partner anyone deemed to be inferior , usually by expressing sheer contempt for lowly status and ranking
3. See No Further Than The End Of One's Nose Awards.....for any member guilty of a frightening lack of foresight , perception and discernment
4. With One's Nose In The Air Award......for the most arrogant , pompous, bastard who comes to the table with that high and mighty , haughty, self-righteous , holier-than-thou attitude
5. Put Someone's Nose Out Of Joint Award.....for the rebel , dissenter and renegade who successfully rocks others' boats , scuppering and thwarting their best laid plans
6. Cut Off One's Nose To Spite One's Face Awards.....for players who commit extremely aggressive acts out of pique or spite , quite prepared to incur greater harm to themselves should things get out of control
7. Get Up Someone's Nose Award ....for the errant pilot of a bridgemate with a penchant for flying the craft right up close to an opponent's nose
8. Pay Through The Nose Award .....for the dodgy professional who overcharges sponsors to such an extent police have been called in to launch investigations into obtaining money by , or under , false pretences
9. Lead Someone By The Nose Awards....for committee members most adept at persuading ordinary members to do as they are told and to vote accordingly
10. Rub Someone's Nose In It Award .....for the most unforgiving member who specialises in exposing the mistakes of others , by recalling what happened at the table in front of willing listeners looking to have a laugh at someone else's expense
11. Under One's Award Award .....for the dimwit who regularly misses clear-cut signals , obvious plays and blatant clues at the table, for no other reason except crass stupidity
12. No Skin Of My Nose Award.....for the member who happily picks a fight with another being utterly convinced that he/she will suffer no adverse effect
Friday, 11 July 2014
NEWSFLASH : BRIDGE INCIDENT INSPIRES A NEW IDIOM AT THE EXPENSE OF AN OLD ONE
The storm in a teacup idiom is now truly dead and buried, having been superseded by a much more colourful replacement " bridgemate across a table ".
This rather amusing use of hyperbole cleverly attempts to highlight the absurdity of people who over react. Originating from an incident at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society bridge club in 2012, the idiom made its debut appearance in the club's newsletter , which reported the events of what took place that particular night . At the risk of stating the obvious , the harmless movement of a bridgemate across a table could hardly be seen as being in the same league as one flung , with real force and venom , straight into an opponent's face.
However , the very circumstances in which bridgemates are moved across a table might well imply that slight deviations , or even different elevations , from an established code of practice or designated flight path , could cause ructions. Unfortunately for the alleged wrongdoer , his or her actions were interpreted completely out of proportion to the real nature of any " offence " which may have taken place ( or not ).
A bridgemate across a table idiom , just like its predecessor a storm in a teacup , depicts a sad and common truth, which reveals one of the great failings of The Human Condition : how petty minded people are often driven to make a great fuss about something of no or little consequence.
The storm in a teacup idiom is now truly dead and buried, having been superseded by a much more colourful replacement " bridgemate across a table ".
This rather amusing use of hyperbole cleverly attempts to highlight the absurdity of people who over react. Originating from an incident at the Walnut Tree Allotment Society bridge club in 2012, the idiom made its debut appearance in the club's newsletter , which reported the events of what took place that particular night . At the risk of stating the obvious , the harmless movement of a bridgemate across a table could hardly be seen as being in the same league as one flung , with real force and venom , straight into an opponent's face.
However , the very circumstances in which bridgemates are moved across a table might well imply that slight deviations , or even different elevations , from an established code of practice or designated flight path , could cause ructions. Unfortunately for the alleged wrongdoer , his or her actions were interpreted completely out of proportion to the real nature of any " offence " which may have taken place ( or not ).
A bridgemate across a table idiom , just like its predecessor a storm in a teacup , depicts a sad and common truth, which reveals one of the great failings of The Human Condition : how petty minded people are often driven to make a great fuss about something of no or little consequence.
Thursday, 10 July 2014
Tuesday, 8 July 2014
REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............
Dear Rebecca,
What really gets up my nose ( other than an unwarranted air strike by a low flying bridgemate ) is the grossly inappropriate , highly patronizing , compliment " well played partner ", when an extremely inept opponent has only brought home the contract by virtue of some dreadful and catastrophic defending.
The other night a totally useless pair overbid their way to a hopeless 4H contract destined to go off two on any bog standard defence. Despite declarer taking an inferior line for a possible minus 3 , my partner then endeavoured to gift him... not three.... but four bloody tricks . He did this by pulling out the wrong card , revoking on trick five , failing to remove dummy's last trump and failing to cash an established winner. Yet this patronising prat of an opponent had the gall to compliment his partner on his declarer play.
I ask you what is all this about ?
Yours Really Outraged from Oughtibridge
Dear ROFO,
I with you all the way on this one. This is Best Behaviour at bridge has without a shadow of doubt gone a step too far. Praising partner's declarer play for getting a miracle score like that has to be a joke . Why hide the bitter truth that the gift-wrapped result was handed to him on a silver plate ?
If dummy is to say anything at all then words like " you jammy arse-hole " , " you undeserving bastard ", or " you must be the luckiest man alive " would be far more appropriate and honest , and far less likely to upset sensitive people like yourself.
Yours candidly Rood as ever
Dear Rebecca,
What really gets up my nose ( other than an unwarranted air strike by a low flying bridgemate ) is the grossly inappropriate , highly patronizing , compliment " well played partner ", when an extremely inept opponent has only brought home the contract by virtue of some dreadful and catastrophic defending.
The other night a totally useless pair overbid their way to a hopeless 4H contract destined to go off two on any bog standard defence. Despite declarer taking an inferior line for a possible minus 3 , my partner then endeavoured to gift him... not three.... but four bloody tricks . He did this by pulling out the wrong card , revoking on trick five , failing to remove dummy's last trump and failing to cash an established winner. Yet this patronising prat of an opponent had the gall to compliment his partner on his declarer play.
I ask you what is all this about ?
Yours Really Outraged from Oughtibridge
Dear ROFO,
I with you all the way on this one. This is Best Behaviour at bridge has without a shadow of doubt gone a step too far. Praising partner's declarer play for getting a miracle score like that has to be a joke . Why hide the bitter truth that the gift-wrapped result was handed to him on a silver plate ?
If dummy is to say anything at all then words like " you jammy arse-hole " , " you undeserving bastard ", or " you must be the luckiest man alive " would be far more appropriate and honest , and far less likely to upset sensitive people like yourself.
Yours candidly Rood as ever
Monday, 7 July 2014
Saturday, 5 July 2014
BRIDGE BOOKS WRITTEN BY PLAYERS WHO WERE CLUELESS ABOUT THE GAME......
- Why Is It That I Always Seem Unable To Win ?.............................Bjorn Tafayle
- It's Not Much Fun Being The Weak Link In The Team.....................Liam Duck
- For God's Sake Don't Ask Me How I'm Doing !...............................Fay Lynn Badleigh
- What Makes You Think I've Got A Defeatist Attitude ?....................Gavin E. Selly
- I've Read Countless Bridge Books But To No Avail..........................Stella Dimwitt
- There's Only One Way To Describe A Player Like Me......................Bryn Les Moran
- Why Is It That My Partners Are Such Complete Asses ?...................Don Keys
- I Know My Partner's Upset With Me But Where Is He Now ? ............Ed N. Holme
- Whenever I Feel Pressure I Just Crack Up........................................Gunter Pieces
- Silly Things I Do At The Bridge Table...............................................Sacha Pratt
Friday, 4 July 2014
ANOTHER NEAR AS DAMN IT TRUE STORY......by Bridgemeister Gibson
The other day I bumped into of the club's most prolific players , who for some unknown reason had missed out on his Thursday night duplicate.
" Where on earth were you last night ? " I politely asked.
" I spent the evening in Rotherham with a bimbo of a partner "
" Doing what ? "
" Playing cards of course.......what else ? "
" Poker ? "
" I should say so.....and on several occasions .....between each set of boards "
" What ? "
" The silly bint needed constant reminding about our agreed system "
" What ? "
" Mind you I did find using sharp pencils far more effective than my stiff index finger ! "
The other day I bumped into of the club's most prolific players , who for some unknown reason had missed out on his Thursday night duplicate.
" Where on earth were you last night ? " I politely asked.
" I spent the evening in Rotherham with a bimbo of a partner "
" Doing what ? "
" Playing cards of course.......what else ? "
" Poker ? "
" I should say so.....and on several occasions .....between each set of boards "
" What ? "
" The silly bint needed constant reminding about our agreed system "
" What ? "
" Mind you I did find using sharp pencils far more effective than my stiff index finger ! "
Thursday, 3 July 2014
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
BIGOT-JOHNSON'S INVALUABLE GUIDE ON HOW TO BE THE PERFECT CLUB MEMBER ( or how to keep a hold on your membership )
1. Know your place in the pecking order ......and be happy to stay there
2. Never be seen or heard making critical remarks about committee members
3. Be fearful and reluctant to ask searching questions
4. Become a devoted disciple of the three monkeys
5. Possess an unshakable faith that those in authority and power know best
6. Keen to march in tune to the sound of a beating drum
7. Loyal and supportive to the committee to the bitter end
8. Quick to bury your head in the sand if awkward situations arise
9. When shenanigans are going on around you, happy to see it as the norm
10. Able to live in an environment where bedlam , chaos and lunacy rule
11. Sensible enough not to raise your head above the parapet , especially when bullets have
your name engraved upon them
12. Willing to place compliance and obedience above any notions of resistance and rebellion
13. Eager to develop the art of grovelling and all manner of sycophantic arse-licking behaviour
14. Always prepared to drown yourself in a cocktail of apathy , ignorance and inertia
15. In the event of ever being " shafted " , happy to give a warm smile and say " thank you "
16. Unperturbed and laid back about attending crowded, well orchestrated AGMs held in
pitch black rooms
17. Philosophical and understanding about the imposition of ultra-strict zero tolerancerules
and restrictions on free speech
18. Always keen to step forward and donate generously to any fund raising scams dreamt up
by the committee
19. A willingness to accept there's only ever one side to a story , namely the committee's
20. And when things go belly up , quick to take responsibility and shoulder the blame
( by claiming that the committee were nothing more than humble servants, acting on behalf
of those who voted them in )
1. Know your place in the pecking order ......and be happy to stay there
2. Never be seen or heard making critical remarks about committee members
3. Be fearful and reluctant to ask searching questions
4. Become a devoted disciple of the three monkeys
5. Possess an unshakable faith that those in authority and power know best
6. Keen to march in tune to the sound of a beating drum
7. Loyal and supportive to the committee to the bitter end
8. Quick to bury your head in the sand if awkward situations arise
9. When shenanigans are going on around you, happy to see it as the norm
10. Able to live in an environment where bedlam , chaos and lunacy rule
11. Sensible enough not to raise your head above the parapet , especially when bullets have
your name engraved upon them
12. Willing to place compliance and obedience above any notions of resistance and rebellion
13. Eager to develop the art of grovelling and all manner of sycophantic arse-licking behaviour
14. Always prepared to drown yourself in a cocktail of apathy , ignorance and inertia
15. In the event of ever being " shafted " , happy to give a warm smile and say " thank you "
16. Unperturbed and laid back about attending crowded, well orchestrated AGMs held in
pitch black rooms
17. Philosophical and understanding about the imposition of ultra-strict zero tolerancerules
and restrictions on free speech
18. Always keen to step forward and donate generously to any fund raising scams dreamt up
by the committee
19. A willingness to accept there's only ever one side to a story , namely the committee's
20. And when things go belly up , quick to take responsibility and shoulder the blame
( by claiming that the committee were nothing more than humble servants, acting on behalf
of those who voted them in )
BEST EVER BRIDGE BOOKS AS VOTED BY THE WORLD'S TOP PLAYERS......( Listed by Pun )
- My Partner Jumps Me At The First Opportunity..........................Earl E. Rizor
- I'm Resigning My Position As Bridge Club Chairman..................Annie Takers
- Is There Anyone Out There Who Can Make This Slam ?.............Ike Ken Duett
- One More Mistake Partner And You're A Dead Man...................Omar Godd
- Oops So Sorry Partner, I've Just Made Another Mistake.............Ima Gonah
- Make A Mistake With My Partner And He Would Kill You.............Cy Coe
- My Way For Relieving Stress During Play Really Works...............Ruben Yakoc
- Our Club Chairman Is A Total And Utter Tosspot..........................Kent A. Bydim
- Someone Should Put A Bullet In His Head...................................Ann Meah Gunn
- After Eight Straight Zeros I've Lost The Will To Live......................Carrie Mia Waye
- In The 1930's Professionals Charged A Flat Fee Rate.................Arthur Crown
- When You're A Gay Bridge Player Partners Just Come And Go.....Ivor Nugent
- My Partner Has Completely Lost All Self-control..........................Ron N. Wilde
- Opponents Kept Turning Us Over Board After Board....................L. Averday
- Oh Dear That's Another Slam I've Binned....................................Eva Sue Sorrey
Monday, 30 June 2014
Saturday, 28 June 2014
Friday, 27 June 2014
WHAT IS IT WITH CLUB COMMITTEES AND THEIR INABILITY TO CARRY DISCIPLINARY HEARINGS PROPERLY ?............ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
A very sad and appalling truth needs to be acknowledged. No matter where in the world you care to look , club committees get it all wrong when handling out disciplinary suspensions and expulsions to misbehaving members. Is it down to ignorance of the law ? Is it down to a blatant arrogance that somehow small clubs are exempt from the law....or maybe they stand above it ? Well , down under in Queensland Australia a court was quick to overturn the committee's decision to expel a member from their bowls club.
The incident which triggered a rather bitter and costly legal dispute was an altercation between the member and his sister. This resulted in several people sending in letters of complaint about the " language used to describe her " . One of the letters came from the victim and her husband. The others were sent in from witnesses friends keen to offer their support.
However , the committee then proceeded to make a series of mistakes , which led to the court to believe that several irregularities had taken place , along side the complete absence of natural justice.
1. The plaintiff's solicitor had made several requests to the committee for information and answers, all of which were ignored. One involved the important question of whether or not he was allowed to legally represent his client at the initial disciplinary hearing.
2. So when the solicitor turned up with his client to the disciplinary hearing , only then was he told " no ". The committee decided on the spot to put a motion forward to exclude him , which of course was carried successfully. At this point both the member and his solicitor walked away. This resulted in the remainder of the hearing taking place in their absence.
3. The secretary had failed throughout to notify the member ( and his solicitor ) in writing the exact nature of the charge(s) made against him , opting instead to show him the letters of complaint . By not knowing the true nature of the charges, the accused member was severely prejudiced.
4. Although the member was offered the right of appeal , procedural obstacles were then put in his way to make his life more difficult.
5. At the appeal the member's solicitor wanted to know if a proper assessment had been carried out as to whether or not the alleged conduct did indeed amount to conduct , which would be sufficient to warrant suspension or termination of membership. No adequate answer was offered or given.
6. At the appeal much store was placed on the letters of complaint which were read out by their authors. This was followed by a secret ballot which resulted in the original ban being upheld.
7. Fairness , which is clearly the touchstone of natural justice , might well be satisfied by different procedures even in the same association in different circumstances , but in the court's opinion the more serious the outcome then the greater degree of fairness required .
8. Certain requirements laid down in the club's constitution were not fully met.
9. The member , in the absence of not knowing what the charges against him were , was never in a position to prepare submissions on an appropriate penalty , and perhaps search the minutes for comparable instances.
10. Once the committee incurs upon itself a duty to investigate, hear , determine and impose a penalty , then it must be even more meticulous in following its rules.
11. There will always be the suspicion of bias and prejudice if the punishment was unlikely to be as severe if a similar incident had occurred in a similar club , or if correct procedures had been carried out.
One final observation is that prejudgement will always undermine any argument that a fair hearing took place . Members of a club committee should only make decisions about a accused member at the end of the hearing but not before . So imagine then how a court might react to the chairman of an appeal panel telling the member in writing , that he agreed with the committee's decision to ban him several weeks before the scheduled date of the appeal hearing ?
A very sad and appalling truth needs to be acknowledged. No matter where in the world you care to look , club committees get it all wrong when handling out disciplinary suspensions and expulsions to misbehaving members. Is it down to ignorance of the law ? Is it down to a blatant arrogance that somehow small clubs are exempt from the law....or maybe they stand above it ? Well , down under in Queensland Australia a court was quick to overturn the committee's decision to expel a member from their bowls club.
The incident which triggered a rather bitter and costly legal dispute was an altercation between the member and his sister. This resulted in several people sending in letters of complaint about the " language used to describe her " . One of the letters came from the victim and her husband. The others were sent in from witnesses friends keen to offer their support.
However , the committee then proceeded to make a series of mistakes , which led to the court to believe that several irregularities had taken place , along side the complete absence of natural justice.
1. The plaintiff's solicitor had made several requests to the committee for information and answers, all of which were ignored. One involved the important question of whether or not he was allowed to legally represent his client at the initial disciplinary hearing.
2. So when the solicitor turned up with his client to the disciplinary hearing , only then was he told " no ". The committee decided on the spot to put a motion forward to exclude him , which of course was carried successfully. At this point both the member and his solicitor walked away. This resulted in the remainder of the hearing taking place in their absence.
3. The secretary had failed throughout to notify the member ( and his solicitor ) in writing the exact nature of the charge(s) made against him , opting instead to show him the letters of complaint . By not knowing the true nature of the charges, the accused member was severely prejudiced.
4. Although the member was offered the right of appeal , procedural obstacles were then put in his way to make his life more difficult.
5. At the appeal the member's solicitor wanted to know if a proper assessment had been carried out as to whether or not the alleged conduct did indeed amount to conduct , which would be sufficient to warrant suspension or termination of membership. No adequate answer was offered or given.
6. At the appeal much store was placed on the letters of complaint which were read out by their authors. This was followed by a secret ballot which resulted in the original ban being upheld.
7. Fairness , which is clearly the touchstone of natural justice , might well be satisfied by different procedures even in the same association in different circumstances , but in the court's opinion the more serious the outcome then the greater degree of fairness required .
8. Certain requirements laid down in the club's constitution were not fully met.
9. The member , in the absence of not knowing what the charges against him were , was never in a position to prepare submissions on an appropriate penalty , and perhaps search the minutes for comparable instances.
10. Once the committee incurs upon itself a duty to investigate, hear , determine and impose a penalty , then it must be even more meticulous in following its rules.
11. There will always be the suspicion of bias and prejudice if the punishment was unlikely to be as severe if a similar incident had occurred in a similar club , or if correct procedures had been carried out.
One final observation is that prejudgement will always undermine any argument that a fair hearing took place . Members of a club committee should only make decisions about a accused member at the end of the hearing but not before . So imagine then how a court might react to the chairman of an appeal panel telling the member in writing , that he agreed with the committee's decision to ban him several weeks before the scheduled date of the appeal hearing ?
Thursday, 26 June 2014
Wednesday, 25 June 2014
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
Monday, 23 June 2014
Saturday, 21 June 2014
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED...........
- Disciplinary hearing : an alternative name to a rubber stamp job
- Rack : a contraption often used by committees to extract confessions from members prior to a disciplinary hearing
- Closed hand : a highly effective weapon attached to the end of an arm
- Heart : an organ that often stops beating when partner allows a cold grand slam to go down by failing to remove the opponent's last trump
- Bridge talk : a god sent opportunity to commit a variety of indiscretions without thought or concern for others , spreading false and malicious rumours full of prejudice and loathing
- Steal ( a trick ) : the act of winning a trick that really belonged to the opponents , by means of diversionary tactics, cunning , stealth and/or deception
- Bridge teacher : a second rate player often found with one hand in his students' pockets as the other tots up his gross earnings
- Partnership : the state or condition of a union consisting of two superiors and their two inferior halves, making in all three
- AGM : an awe-inspiring illustration of how to keep members completely in the dark , and dissenters at bay with their damn awkward questions
- Direction : what a player needs to decide upon before firing a bridgemate across the table
Friday, 20 June 2014
LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. EBU EDITORIAL STAFF
( Bigot was at war again, desperate to take the EBU editorial team to court over an alleged libel. One bulletin editor , on reviewing a prestigious national pairs event , described the winner Bigot-Johnson as " the luckiest player he had ever encountered .....someone who was able to walk on water , performing miracles at the table which had never been seen or witnessed before ". Clearly upset by the suggestion that his victory had nothing to do with natural skill and ability , Bigot was hell bent on suing the EBU for thousands. The following extract, taken from the trial's transcript , reveals a dramatic turning point in the case. Bigot of course represented himself. )
Counsel for the defendants ( CD ) : So is it true Bigot that you won this tournament with a score of 72.3 % ?
B-J : Too damn right I did....and what's more if I had been blessed with a half-decent partner it would have been much more
CD : Yet coming to this event.... not once did you ever manage to get over 45% in all previous competitions....... let alone your regular weekly club duplicates
B-J : No...as it happens
CD : And is it true that your EBU ranking is the eight of clubs , which puts you alongside beginners , rabbits and numpties ?
B-J : Yes.....but that ranking business is a complete and utter nonsense
CD : Moreover , we have witness statements from all your previous partners.....going back 20 years......who to a man and woman rate you as the worst partner they have ever played with
B-J : Oh....
CD : So let's gets back to the event in question which you won in a most spectacular way. Despite not knowing which suit is which...... you made wild leaps in every auction, only to find the perfect dummy on each occasion. You then managed with uncanny instinct to stay out of doomed games and slams , and every lead and switch you made in defence you miraculously found partner holding the exact layout.........and critical key cards........ needed to beat the seemingly rock solid contracts the opponents were in. It was almost as though you had seen all the hands before !
B-J : How dare you insinuate I cheated in some way. Why I owe my success to a pact I made with the devil..... who in return for my soul gave me a gift certain to guarantee me success at the card tables
CD : Well....this gift was certainly not one which involved mastery of a beautiful and exquisite bidding system designed to land players in excellent contracts , by being able to describe their hands with sublime precision and accuracy
B-J : No....
CD : Nor was this gift an ability to draw the correct inferences from the bidding ..... and play of the cards.....to determine the best line of play both as declarer play and defender
B-J : No......
CD : Indeed , no way do you have the skill of reading the cards....... which only top class experts can claim to possess
B-J : Ah...I do need to correct you there....for in a way I do read the cards exceedingly well..... by simply looking through the backs of them
CD ( holding up a card with its back towards Bigot ) : What card is this then ?
B-J : The jack of hearts
CD : Correct......so you do have this demonised power to make you invincible at bridge ?
B-J : Yes...yes....yes.......isn't it wonderful
CD : So let's recap then.....you have admitted that prior to your meeting with the devil you were a non-achieving, third-rate player........ who raw beginners looked forward to play against .......full of justified optimism and confidence
B-J : Yes...
CD : And that any objective onlooker..... unaware of your special gift ....... would automatically assume that you must be the jammiest player on earth
B-J : I guess so.....
Judge : Well , Bigot , I've heard enough. Since truth and fair comment are well established defences to claims of libel , I have no hesitation now in bringing this case to an end. There has been no libel whatsoever . The description of you being the luckiest player alive was in the circumstances a perfectly fair and reasonable comment.....and therefore you will be required to meet all the costs incurred by the defendants....... as well as your own
B-J : Bugger....
( Bigot was at war again, desperate to take the EBU editorial team to court over an alleged libel. One bulletin editor , on reviewing a prestigious national pairs event , described the winner Bigot-Johnson as " the luckiest player he had ever encountered .....someone who was able to walk on water , performing miracles at the table which had never been seen or witnessed before ". Clearly upset by the suggestion that his victory had nothing to do with natural skill and ability , Bigot was hell bent on suing the EBU for thousands. The following extract, taken from the trial's transcript , reveals a dramatic turning point in the case. Bigot of course represented himself. )
Counsel for the defendants ( CD ) : So is it true Bigot that you won this tournament with a score of 72.3 % ?
B-J : Too damn right I did....and what's more if I had been blessed with a half-decent partner it would have been much more
CD : Yet coming to this event.... not once did you ever manage to get over 45% in all previous competitions....... let alone your regular weekly club duplicates
B-J : No...as it happens
CD : And is it true that your EBU ranking is the eight of clubs , which puts you alongside beginners , rabbits and numpties ?
B-J : Yes.....but that ranking business is a complete and utter nonsense
CD : Moreover , we have witness statements from all your previous partners.....going back 20 years......who to a man and woman rate you as the worst partner they have ever played with
B-J : Oh....
CD : So let's gets back to the event in question which you won in a most spectacular way. Despite not knowing which suit is which...... you made wild leaps in every auction, only to find the perfect dummy on each occasion. You then managed with uncanny instinct to stay out of doomed games and slams , and every lead and switch you made in defence you miraculously found partner holding the exact layout.........and critical key cards........ needed to beat the seemingly rock solid contracts the opponents were in. It was almost as though you had seen all the hands before !
B-J : How dare you insinuate I cheated in some way. Why I owe my success to a pact I made with the devil..... who in return for my soul gave me a gift certain to guarantee me success at the card tables
CD : Well....this gift was certainly not one which involved mastery of a beautiful and exquisite bidding system designed to land players in excellent contracts , by being able to describe their hands with sublime precision and accuracy
B-J : No....
CD : Nor was this gift an ability to draw the correct inferences from the bidding ..... and play of the cards.....to determine the best line of play both as declarer play and defender
B-J : No......
CD : Indeed , no way do you have the skill of reading the cards....... which only top class experts can claim to possess
B-J : Ah...I do need to correct you there....for in a way I do read the cards exceedingly well..... by simply looking through the backs of them
CD ( holding up a card with its back towards Bigot ) : What card is this then ?
B-J : The jack of hearts
CD : Correct......so you do have this demonised power to make you invincible at bridge ?
B-J : Yes...yes....yes.......isn't it wonderful
CD : So let's recap then.....you have admitted that prior to your meeting with the devil you were a non-achieving, third-rate player........ who raw beginners looked forward to play against .......full of justified optimism and confidence
B-J : Yes...
CD : And that any objective onlooker..... unaware of your special gift ....... would automatically assume that you must be the jammiest player on earth
B-J : I guess so.....
Judge : Well , Bigot , I've heard enough. Since truth and fair comment are well established defences to claims of libel , I have no hesitation now in bringing this case to an end. There has been no libel whatsoever . The description of you being the luckiest player alive was in the circumstances a perfectly fair and reasonable comment.....and therefore you will be required to meet all the costs incurred by the defendants....... as well as your own
B-J : Bugger....
Thursday, 19 June 2014
THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED..........
- Club secretary : an appointed officer with a roving commission to lie
- Minutes : a piece of work based on fiction , half-truths and omissions
- Litigation : a process or machine which if you enter as a cow you exit as minced meat
- Misfortune : the only kind of fortune bridge players talk about
- Off-centre bids : lies which fall well short of psychs , often associated with poor bidders' appalling inability to describe their hands any degree of precision or honesty
- Zero tolerance : a god sent whipping stick providing those with axes to grind a plentiful supply of opportunities to rid the club of desirable members
- Bridge : a beautiful game designed to be played in a spirit of goodwill and great sportsmanship , but one which finds itself taken up by predatory sharks , bully boys , mean-hearted monsters and black-hearted villians
- Overbidding : a dangerous habit eagerly developed by both show-offs and hoggers, always insisting on winning competitive auctions with themselves as declarers
- Witticisms : sharp , clever remarks based on accurate observational skills and/or perceptive insight, which unfortunately are interpreted by the ZT enforcement officers as cruel , inappropriate , and offensive insults
- Scratch pair : another unfortunate habit adopted by most male players, keen to obtain immediate gratification to counter stressful situations at the bridge table
- Nose ( for the game ) : an essential part of a player's make up if wishing to sniff out the location of missing queens , cheats at the table and flying bridgemates
Wednesday, 18 June 2014
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
BRIDGE BULLIES : THEIR MODUS OPERANDI ........( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )
Any kind of psychological and emotional battering through verbal abuse kills the human spirit . It cripples the victim's self-esteem and sense of worth. In my opinion it is the major reason why so people who take up the game quickly leave it behind.
Bullies are usually masters of this evil art, and excellent actors. To those who are not witness to their despicable antics , a perpetrator often appears as " a wonderful person " or a " really friendly guy ". Little do they know how cruel and spiteful the bully can be when results do not go his way.
Indeed, bullies are highly skilled in brow beating errant and hapless partners , using a multitude of ways to show disapproval and to vent their anger , as the following list reveals :
1. Withholding : not speaking to partner when he is angry. Being snubbed or ignored by a wall of scornful silence speaks volumes about the extent of his contempt and displeasure
2. Countering : whatever view or opinion partner makes , the bully will reject it out of hand and make counterclaims of his own. Countering will often include condemnation and criticism of the victim's inadequate grasp and understanding of the game
3. Ridicule : a barrage of comments designed to make the victim feel extremely ashamed and embarrassed in front of stunned opponents and onlookers. If ever brought to task over his hurtful remarks, the stock reply is always the same : " I was only joking " . The truth, however , is that the intent was malicious.
4. Sidestepping : bullies are quick to change topics whenever their decisions are open to question or scrutiny
5. Accusing and blaming : the blame game is what bullies are expert at winning. No matter what mistakes they make at the table, partners mistakes were far worse , often being the reason behind theirs
6. Trivialising: here the bully cannot counter partner's observations or criticisms , and so therefore he feels compelled to trivialise them as being of no relevance or significance
7. Undermining : by constantly belittling partner's ability the bully uses statements like " You wouldn't understand " or " There's no point trying to explain to you..." . The object of this tactic is to sabotage the victim's integrity and status as a competent player
8. Threatening : this involves hinting that some kind of reprimand , punishment or unpleasant outcome is imminent , or using some form of psychological assault such as a clenched fist or dagger eyes. Once I heard a bully threaten his hapless partner by saying " I'm going to write up about this disaster hand and get it published for all to read "
9. Name calling : a bridge bully's vocabulary is very extensive with respect to derogatory words and savage insults. Worse of all are terms of endearment heavily loaded with intense sarcasm
10. Ordering : the bully has to be in control and to be the boss. He doesn't need to ask or seek permission to do things. Partner's role is to be both subservient and compliant and to obey his master's instructions
11. Judging and criticising : Nothing escapes criticism of the bully. Even the smallest faults at the table will be seized upon and condemned. Words like " you should have... " or " why didn't you do... " are dished out after each and every hand , irrespective of the result. Indeed, I was once bollocked for missing a chance of a third overtrick when just one had secured a global top
12. Denial : bullies don't make mistakes and are never in the wrong. Their role is to focus on partner's failings and shortcomings and never their own ( since these can't possibly exist )
13. Refusal to accept responsibility : partner is to blame for everything. And should the bully have made a mistake on board 14 , he will find a way to lay the blame on partner. " Your cock-up on board 13 caused me so much distress my brain was hurting, and I was unable to think straight ..."
14. Abusive anger : here the bully's histrionic outbursts are designed to harvest sympathy from others , and to publicity expose partner's failings. Attention must be drawn to the bully's plight , whereby his anger can then be looked upon as justified , a natural response to partner's ongoing provocation and incompetence
15. Symbolic gestures : these can involve walking off in a huff when partner's cocks up his declare play , stomping walks between tables, waving arms in a state of panic, acts of self-mutilation , ripping up his scorecard..... and so on
So yes.....bridge bullies are masters of psychological and emotional abuse. Yet all too often they belong in upper echelons of high ranking players , which somehow persuades their victims and club committees to turn the proverbial blind eye , as to what is really happening at the tables. Bridge bullies should be brought to task and FINED on every occasion , for it is amazing how the power of money can motivate people to change their behaviour overnight.
Any kind of psychological and emotional battering through verbal abuse kills the human spirit . It cripples the victim's self-esteem and sense of worth. In my opinion it is the major reason why so people who take up the game quickly leave it behind.
Bullies are usually masters of this evil art, and excellent actors. To those who are not witness to their despicable antics , a perpetrator often appears as " a wonderful person " or a " really friendly guy ". Little do they know how cruel and spiteful the bully can be when results do not go his way.
Indeed, bullies are highly skilled in brow beating errant and hapless partners , using a multitude of ways to show disapproval and to vent their anger , as the following list reveals :
1. Withholding : not speaking to partner when he is angry. Being snubbed or ignored by a wall of scornful silence speaks volumes about the extent of his contempt and displeasure
2. Countering : whatever view or opinion partner makes , the bully will reject it out of hand and make counterclaims of his own. Countering will often include condemnation and criticism of the victim's inadequate grasp and understanding of the game
3. Ridicule : a barrage of comments designed to make the victim feel extremely ashamed and embarrassed in front of stunned opponents and onlookers. If ever brought to task over his hurtful remarks, the stock reply is always the same : " I was only joking " . The truth, however , is that the intent was malicious.
4. Sidestepping : bullies are quick to change topics whenever their decisions are open to question or scrutiny
5. Accusing and blaming : the blame game is what bullies are expert at winning. No matter what mistakes they make at the table, partners mistakes were far worse , often being the reason behind theirs
6. Trivialising: here the bully cannot counter partner's observations or criticisms , and so therefore he feels compelled to trivialise them as being of no relevance or significance
7. Undermining : by constantly belittling partner's ability the bully uses statements like " You wouldn't understand " or " There's no point trying to explain to you..." . The object of this tactic is to sabotage the victim's integrity and status as a competent player
8. Threatening : this involves hinting that some kind of reprimand , punishment or unpleasant outcome is imminent , or using some form of psychological assault such as a clenched fist or dagger eyes. Once I heard a bully threaten his hapless partner by saying " I'm going to write up about this disaster hand and get it published for all to read "
9. Name calling : a bridge bully's vocabulary is very extensive with respect to derogatory words and savage insults. Worse of all are terms of endearment heavily loaded with intense sarcasm
10. Ordering : the bully has to be in control and to be the boss. He doesn't need to ask or seek permission to do things. Partner's role is to be both subservient and compliant and to obey his master's instructions
11. Judging and criticising : Nothing escapes criticism of the bully. Even the smallest faults at the table will be seized upon and condemned. Words like " you should have... " or " why didn't you do... " are dished out after each and every hand , irrespective of the result. Indeed, I was once bollocked for missing a chance of a third overtrick when just one had secured a global top
12. Denial : bullies don't make mistakes and are never in the wrong. Their role is to focus on partner's failings and shortcomings and never their own ( since these can't possibly exist )
13. Refusal to accept responsibility : partner is to blame for everything. And should the bully have made a mistake on board 14 , he will find a way to lay the blame on partner. " Your cock-up on board 13 caused me so much distress my brain was hurting, and I was unable to think straight ..."
14. Abusive anger : here the bully's histrionic outbursts are designed to harvest sympathy from others , and to publicity expose partner's failings. Attention must be drawn to the bully's plight , whereby his anger can then be looked upon as justified , a natural response to partner's ongoing provocation and incompetence
15. Symbolic gestures : these can involve walking off in a huff when partner's cocks up his declare play , stomping walks between tables, waving arms in a state of panic, acts of self-mutilation , ripping up his scorecard..... and so on
So yes.....bridge bullies are masters of psychological and emotional abuse. Yet all too often they belong in upper echelons of high ranking players , which somehow persuades their victims and club committees to turn the proverbial blind eye , as to what is really happening at the tables. Bridge bullies should be brought to task and FINED on every occasion , for it is amazing how the power of money can motivate people to change their behaviour overnight.
Monday, 16 June 2014
Sunday, 15 June 2014
A VERY NEARLY TRUE STORY ........ by Bridgemeister Gibson
Married couples falling out over bridge is one thing , but allowing bridge to destroy the marriage is another . The following extract from a recent divorce case reveals a cross no man should ever be asked to bear.
Judge : Is it true that you and your wife are both members of Chesterfield Bridge Club ?
George : Yes.....that's is where we first met almost 20 years ago
Judge : How long have you and Thelma been married ?
George : About 15 years.....
Judge : So what are you claiming as grounds for divorce ?
George : Unreasonable behaviour on her part
Judge : Please be more specific...
George : Shocking and outrageous abuse
Judge : And where did this alleged abuse take place ?
George : At the bridge club
Judge : What ! ....Did your wife ridicule and humiliate you in front of other members ?
George : No.....
Judge : Did she as your partner harass , berate and bully you at the table ?
George : Not at all...........not once did we ever partner each other
Judge : Well, what in heaven's name then did she do to you that was so despicable and abusive ?
George ( sobbing ) : Irrespective of who was present and looking on... she would beat me......beat me.....beat me
Judge : How often did she beat you ?
George : She beat me every time
Judge : My God.....no man should ever be made to suffer like that......divorce granted
Married couples falling out over bridge is one thing , but allowing bridge to destroy the marriage is another . The following extract from a recent divorce case reveals a cross no man should ever be asked to bear.
Judge : Is it true that you and your wife are both members of Chesterfield Bridge Club ?
George : Yes.....that's is where we first met almost 20 years ago
Judge : How long have you and Thelma been married ?
George : About 15 years.....
Judge : So what are you claiming as grounds for divorce ?
George : Unreasonable behaviour on her part
Judge : Please be more specific...
George : Shocking and outrageous abuse
Judge : And where did this alleged abuse take place ?
George : At the bridge club
Judge : What ! ....Did your wife ridicule and humiliate you in front of other members ?
George : No.....
Judge : Did she as your partner harass , berate and bully you at the table ?
George : Not at all...........not once did we ever partner each other
Judge : Well, what in heaven's name then did she do to you that was so despicable and abusive ?
George ( sobbing ) : Irrespective of who was present and looking on... she would beat me......beat me.....beat me
Judge : How often did she beat you ?
George : She beat me every time
Judge : My God.....no man should ever be made to suffer like that......divorce granted
Saturday, 14 June 2014
CONDUCT EXPECTED OF MEMBERS AT AGMs : A DEFINITIVE GUIDE BY BIGOT-JOHNSON
Manners are important. Members with no manners should be thrown into a big grinder and minced. Therefore it is now essential for members attending AGMs to be on their very best behaviour : polite , respectful , submissive and compliant. The rules to be followed are listed below.
1. Standing to attention when the chairman's presence is announced
2. No stepping onto, or dirtying , the red carpet laid down for the chairman's grand entrance
3. No heckling or shouting of abuse
4. No asking of awkward questions which might might cause committee members distress,
shame or embarrassment
5. Staying quiet whenever a committee member speaks, and then giving him/ her a warm
round of applause after he or she has finished
6. Giving up your seat to one of many of newly recruited members , called in of course as
gerrymandered voters to back all the committee proposals, resolutions and initiatives no
matter how absurd, insane or ludicrous they appear to be
7. Not interrupting any of the proceedings with irritating points of order and petty concerns
8. Refusing to vote against committee proposals, remembering that as a member your duty
of allegiance is to place the committee's needs over and above any personal objections
you have.... even if they are based on common sense , conscience and self-respect
9. If you feel compelled to speak then keep it short and complimentary
10. Taking every opportunity to thank committee members for their efforts , dedication and hard
work. Ignore the fact that they might well be a bunch of crooks or escapees from a local
lunatic asylum . It pays you to remember that without the committee your club would not be
the same talked-about place as it is today
11. No opting out from making a more than generous donation towards the chairman's
retirement fund, in recognition of the selfless, unpaid work he/she is carrying out on the
members' behalf
12. Turning a blind eye to any incident which would tarnish the good reputation of committee
members , or their supporters
Manners are important. Members with no manners should be thrown into a big grinder and minced. Therefore it is now essential for members attending AGMs to be on their very best behaviour : polite , respectful , submissive and compliant. The rules to be followed are listed below.
1. Standing to attention when the chairman's presence is announced
2. No stepping onto, or dirtying , the red carpet laid down for the chairman's grand entrance
3. No heckling or shouting of abuse
4. No asking of awkward questions which might might cause committee members distress,
shame or embarrassment
5. Staying quiet whenever a committee member speaks, and then giving him/ her a warm
round of applause after he or she has finished
6. Giving up your seat to one of many of newly recruited members , called in of course as
gerrymandered voters to back all the committee proposals, resolutions and initiatives no
matter how absurd, insane or ludicrous they appear to be
7. Not interrupting any of the proceedings with irritating points of order and petty concerns
8. Refusing to vote against committee proposals, remembering that as a member your duty
of allegiance is to place the committee's needs over and above any personal objections
you have.... even if they are based on common sense , conscience and self-respect
9. If you feel compelled to speak then keep it short and complimentary
10. Taking every opportunity to thank committee members for their efforts , dedication and hard
work. Ignore the fact that they might well be a bunch of crooks or escapees from a local
lunatic asylum . It pays you to remember that without the committee your club would not be
the same talked-about place as it is today
11. No opting out from making a more than generous donation towards the chairman's
retirement fund, in recognition of the selfless, unpaid work he/she is carrying out on the
members' behalf
12. Turning a blind eye to any incident which would tarnish the good reputation of committee
members , or their supporters
Thursday, 12 June 2014
Friday, 6 June 2014
DR. JOHN INVESTIGATES Part 3.........
Social norms, too , play an important role in the decision whether or not to cheat. If players perceive others as not abiding by the rules , then many forms of unethical behaviour must appear be acceptable, or subject to the proverbial blind eye. When the game has been corrupted by lax enforcement of the rules , then players are far more likely to be dishonest. Often the social norm within a bridge club is to harbour suspicions but to ignore them , and certainly not to voice them. The stigma of making false or high speculative allegations of cheating creates a fear factor , which the cheaters will exploit to the full. Given that many players subscribe to the old adage of " it's never right for the pot to call the kettle black ", there appears to be a perverse code of (dis)honour among cheats. If cheating is going on at other tables , then players will view their own behaviour as having very little impact.
Indeed, the incidence of cheating increases if players are placed in a position of power, either through age, seniority, rank , status , and in depth of knowledge of the rules. My research suggests that players who assume power are greatly tempted to abuse it. Indeed , society rewards and values power and achievement , encouraging the corrupt to cheat again and again.
Consequently, a mindset is created luring bridge players to engage in unethical self-promoting behaviour. Results of course represent that achievement , whereby the sole preoccupation is about getting tops. The enjoyment and experience of playing the game is of no significance. Cheats are not interested in " mastery " goals, only in notching up a large number of imps on each and every board.
Sadly , bridge is a game where referees and directors never observe play at the tables. They are so few of them. Sadly, they are called into action only after a table incident or an alleged breach of the rules has occurred. The real policing it seems has to be done by the players , on each other , at the table, but as mentioned before this rarely happens. There is always too much to think to consider wasting precious energy and concentration on what opponents may ( or may not ) be getting up to. Careful scrutiny of their behaviour is extremely difficult over 3 boards , if not impossible. When hard evidence is missing and only suspicions remain, then players will continue to feel safe in their own " anything goes " centre for approved cheating.
On a final note , pernicious cheating can become self-reinforcing. So when players cheat , they develop a tendency to rationalise their behaviour , which compounds their desire to carry on cheating. " I don't think I'm cheating " is one classic response. Another is " That's not cheating really " , or " It's the way I do things...... like every one else in this club ". Consequently , any one who is accused of cheating adopts an attitude , which fully justifies their actions. A classic case of self-delusion and/or denial. Either way , this line of reasoning , makes them feel better , but it also encourages them to cheat again. They rationalise unethical behaviour , they accept it , and they cheat once more. All I see are players becoming morally disengaged from their conscience , keen to forget moral codes of honesty and sportsmanship. Cheating , it seems , causes a self-justifying block on ethical considerations , especial those which would certainly undermine their chances of securing better scores , glory and fame.
Social norms, too , play an important role in the decision whether or not to cheat. If players perceive others as not abiding by the rules , then many forms of unethical behaviour must appear be acceptable, or subject to the proverbial blind eye. When the game has been corrupted by lax enforcement of the rules , then players are far more likely to be dishonest. Often the social norm within a bridge club is to harbour suspicions but to ignore them , and certainly not to voice them. The stigma of making false or high speculative allegations of cheating creates a fear factor , which the cheaters will exploit to the full. Given that many players subscribe to the old adage of " it's never right for the pot to call the kettle black ", there appears to be a perverse code of (dis)honour among cheats. If cheating is going on at other tables , then players will view their own behaviour as having very little impact.
Indeed, the incidence of cheating increases if players are placed in a position of power, either through age, seniority, rank , status , and in depth of knowledge of the rules. My research suggests that players who assume power are greatly tempted to abuse it. Indeed , society rewards and values power and achievement , encouraging the corrupt to cheat again and again.
Consequently, a mindset is created luring bridge players to engage in unethical self-promoting behaviour. Results of course represent that achievement , whereby the sole preoccupation is about getting tops. The enjoyment and experience of playing the game is of no significance. Cheats are not interested in " mastery " goals, only in notching up a large number of imps on each and every board.
Sadly , bridge is a game where referees and directors never observe play at the tables. They are so few of them. Sadly, they are called into action only after a table incident or an alleged breach of the rules has occurred. The real policing it seems has to be done by the players , on each other , at the table, but as mentioned before this rarely happens. There is always too much to think to consider wasting precious energy and concentration on what opponents may ( or may not ) be getting up to. Careful scrutiny of their behaviour is extremely difficult over 3 boards , if not impossible. When hard evidence is missing and only suspicions remain, then players will continue to feel safe in their own " anything goes " centre for approved cheating.
On a final note , pernicious cheating can become self-reinforcing. So when players cheat , they develop a tendency to rationalise their behaviour , which compounds their desire to carry on cheating. " I don't think I'm cheating " is one classic response. Another is " That's not cheating really " , or " It's the way I do things...... like every one else in this club ". Consequently , any one who is accused of cheating adopts an attitude , which fully justifies their actions. A classic case of self-delusion and/or denial. Either way , this line of reasoning , makes them feel better , but it also encourages them to cheat again. They rationalise unethical behaviour , they accept it , and they cheat once more. All I see are players becoming morally disengaged from their conscience , keen to forget moral codes of honesty and sportsmanship. Cheating , it seems , causes a self-justifying block on ethical considerations , especial those which would certainly undermine their chances of securing better scores , glory and fame.
DR. JOHN INVESTIGATES Part 2........
My latest research on cheating at bridge attempts to explore the environmental influences on players which create in their minds the perfect conditions to get away with unethical bahaviour. Crimes are more likely to be committed when detection is most unlikely. Ideal circumstances include busy noisy backgrounds, crowded dimly-lit rooms , lots of distractions going on , lack of policing , and unobservant victims. Take a crowded underground train for instance ( standing commuters packed in like sardines, unable to move, forced only to stare ahead ) where the conditions provide a paradise for pickpockets to go about their business. If cheats believe their actions will be unseen and anonymous, with very little chance of being caught, the temptation to cheat becomes all too great.
It is my contention that bridge rooms are like crowded underground trains : a background of noise from table conversations , arguments with raised voices , moving chairs, constant coughing and screaming calls for the director. So when players try to shut out this background noise they often shut out what is going on under their very own noses. Compelled by etiquette NOT TO STARE OR LOOK at opponents , the conditions are perfect for bridge cheats to apply their trade .
Moreover , players are also prone to cheat when they are feeling tired, either physically or mentally, and long sessions at the card tables do take their toll on players' mental stamina , which is often in short supply. The game of bridge by any standard requires high levels of focus and concentration : it is a very demanding and tiring game. Players will inevitably succumb to tiredness , and as a result the temptation to cheat becomes almost irresistible. Although players don't cheat spontaneously when sleepy or drained , their honesty and self-discipline are severely tested. Even more so in circumstances where their self-control is also badly depleted , and the pressure to get a really good board has reached crisis point.
My latest research on cheating at bridge attempts to explore the environmental influences on players which create in their minds the perfect conditions to get away with unethical bahaviour. Crimes are more likely to be committed when detection is most unlikely. Ideal circumstances include busy noisy backgrounds, crowded dimly-lit rooms , lots of distractions going on , lack of policing , and unobservant victims. Take a crowded underground train for instance ( standing commuters packed in like sardines, unable to move, forced only to stare ahead ) where the conditions provide a paradise for pickpockets to go about their business. If cheats believe their actions will be unseen and anonymous, with very little chance of being caught, the temptation to cheat becomes all too great.
It is my contention that bridge rooms are like crowded underground trains : a background of noise from table conversations , arguments with raised voices , moving chairs, constant coughing and screaming calls for the director. So when players try to shut out this background noise they often shut out what is going on under their very own noses. Compelled by etiquette NOT TO STARE OR LOOK at opponents , the conditions are perfect for bridge cheats to apply their trade .
Moreover , players are also prone to cheat when they are feeling tired, either physically or mentally, and long sessions at the card tables do take their toll on players' mental stamina , which is often in short supply. The game of bridge by any standard requires high levels of focus and concentration : it is a very demanding and tiring game. Players will inevitably succumb to tiredness , and as a result the temptation to cheat becomes almost irresistible. Although players don't cheat spontaneously when sleepy or drained , their honesty and self-discipline are severely tested. Even more so in circumstances where their self-control is also badly depleted , and the pressure to get a really good board has reached crisis point.
DR. JOHN LOOKS FOR ANSWERS AS TO WHY CHEATING IN BRIDGE IS SO ENDEMIC.... ( First instalment of a three-part article )
In all sports there are cheats but their opportunities to succeed are severely limited by the presence of camera technology, stern referees and eagle-eyed match officials. However in bridge the opportunities for cheating seem infinite. So much so that all manner of cheating strategies can be successfully employed , especially with regards to all the low level soft stuff.
Nevertheless, the opportunity factor does not fully explain why bridge players in particular succumb so easily to the temptation of cheating. It seems to me that some of the answers lie within the nature and make up of a typical bridge player.
Bridge players by definition are logical thinkers , adept at calculating the odds and taking calculated risks. If logic dictates that rules need to be circumvented to win , then surely all ways of doing just that need to be fully explored and exploited. Indeed , a cold rational formulae might well be applied : weigh up the benefits of the unethical action against the costs of committing it , and decide accordingly. One extra top might well turn a top ten finish into a championship winning score card.
Moreover , bridge players live in a world where moral standards in society are in perpetual decline. With each downward step in society's demise , with crooked politicians and businessmen leading the way , players simply follow suit succumbing to the temptations offered by cheating. In other words, cheating is the result of a lack of moral fortitude and self-discipline. Whenever a situation or opportunity arises to bend or break the rules they will attempt to exploit it . Examples include loose table talk or a sly peek at their opponents' cards.
Further research on bridge players have led me to believe that cheating is the result of a highly subjective reasoning process which includes three types of argument : how players perceive the world of bridge ( clubs being seen as centres for approved cheating ) , how they view their opponents ( low down cheating dogs ) , and how they think about themselves ( resistance fighters determined to do unto others what they have done to them ). All this reasoning seemingly occurs on a subconscious level , with choices and decisions being heavily influenced by situational factors, to be discussed in the next part of this article.
In all sports there are cheats but their opportunities to succeed are severely limited by the presence of camera technology, stern referees and eagle-eyed match officials. However in bridge the opportunities for cheating seem infinite. So much so that all manner of cheating strategies can be successfully employed , especially with regards to all the low level soft stuff.
Nevertheless, the opportunity factor does not fully explain why bridge players in particular succumb so easily to the temptation of cheating. It seems to me that some of the answers lie within the nature and make up of a typical bridge player.
Bridge players by definition are logical thinkers , adept at calculating the odds and taking calculated risks. If logic dictates that rules need to be circumvented to win , then surely all ways of doing just that need to be fully explored and exploited. Indeed , a cold rational formulae might well be applied : weigh up the benefits of the unethical action against the costs of committing it , and decide accordingly. One extra top might well turn a top ten finish into a championship winning score card.
Moreover , bridge players live in a world where moral standards in society are in perpetual decline. With each downward step in society's demise , with crooked politicians and businessmen leading the way , players simply follow suit succumbing to the temptations offered by cheating. In other words, cheating is the result of a lack of moral fortitude and self-discipline. Whenever a situation or opportunity arises to bend or break the rules they will attempt to exploit it . Examples include loose table talk or a sly peek at their opponents' cards.
Further research on bridge players have led me to believe that cheating is the result of a highly subjective reasoning process which includes three types of argument : how players perceive the world of bridge ( clubs being seen as centres for approved cheating ) , how they view their opponents ( low down cheating dogs ) , and how they think about themselves ( resistance fighters determined to do unto others what they have done to them ). All this reasoning seemingly occurs on a subconscious level , with choices and decisions being heavily influenced by situational factors, to be discussed in the next part of this article.
Thursday, 5 June 2014
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