WHY SOFT CHEATING SHOULD BE OFFICIALLY ALLOWED AND APPROVED ?.......( Article by Carp )
It's all too easy , isn't it , to turn a blind eye to a problem you are a part of , and think " Oh stuff it.... trying to stay ethical , honest and fair is just too hard....when the choice is between allowing the human condition to prevail , or attempting to discipline yourself by selflessly adopting a strict moral and ethical attitude ( which will more than likely likely to impair your results ) . Surely , one's natural inclination is to achieve the best results possible ".
And why not , I ask myself ? If everyone is up to no good , with their dodgy practices and coffee-housing tactics , then keeping par with them requires me to follow suit, so to speak. Recent surveys , carried out by The Institute of Pointless Studies, reveal that most players subscribe to the same mantra of " if you can't beat them then join them " and " isn't life a rat race after all ? ".
So unfortunately , there really isn't an alternative. Why ? Because the sad truth is the game of bridge would die a sudden death if players were made to behave in a completely honest and ethical way. The large majority would rather give up the game than change habits of a lifetime , and sacrifice of what limited chances they had to achieve even a modicum of success.
Just think about it for a minute. A bridge event where all the participants bid and play the cards in tempo , never passing on even a smidgen of unauthorised information across to their partners. Total honesty. Total integrity. Total trust. A perfectly level playing field. No cheating of any kind whatsoever. Now tell me that isn't wishful thinking ? A pie-in-the-sky dream ? An amazing Utopian world of bridge ?
Well, because the reality of the game today is the total opposite of the above , I feel it is a necessity for all bridge clubs ( including Bob MacKinnon's ) to accept the inevitable , and declare categorically to all their members " ANYTHING GOES " and " DO UNTO OTHERS WHAT THEY DO UNTO YOU ". This official sanctioning and approval of soft cheating will mean players are no longer under any pressure to conform , or go through the pretence of conforming , to those burdensome ethical standards and rules. Now they are in a position to really enjoy their bridge , giving free reign to their human condition to push their moral consciences aside. Moreover , if everyone comes to accept soft cheating as a legitimate aspect of the game , then the world of bridge might not seem too bad a place after all.
Saturday, 14 February 2015
NEWSFLASH : SOMEONE ON COMMITTEE ACTUALLY TOLD THE TRUTH SHOCK........
One member of The Slaughter House Bridge Club committee passed on information to a group of ordinary members what appeared to be the truth.
This sensational departure from custom and tradition had all the senior committee members spitting feathers and planning severe retribution. This inadvertent act of whistle blowing has resulted in a major cover up and damage limitation response.
The errant now ex-committee member immediately apologised, telling reporters " I don't know what came over me. I guess my moral conscience got the better of my commitment to honouring the sacred oath what's said in committee stays in committee. I just blurted it out without realising I was in breach of my duty to keep all committee shenanigans absolutely secret and confidential ".
Asked if he was going to resign his club membership on the grounds that he was unfit member, he said " You're right. I have let everyone down. The chairman , the committee, my colleagues and the membership as a whole. It's was clear that club members weren't interested in the truth, let alone have the mental resolve to handle and cope with it. Even my long standing partners have treated me like a pariah at this difficult time, and I deserve everything that happens to me. Being dubbed as the committee man who told the truth is something I've got to live with , and regret , for the rest of my life. "
At present secret discussions are taking place within committee as to what steps need to be taken to ensure that this kind of whistle blowing outrage never occurs again.
One member of The Slaughter House Bridge Club committee passed on information to a group of ordinary members what appeared to be the truth.
This sensational departure from custom and tradition had all the senior committee members spitting feathers and planning severe retribution. This inadvertent act of whistle blowing has resulted in a major cover up and damage limitation response.
The errant now ex-committee member immediately apologised, telling reporters " I don't know what came over me. I guess my moral conscience got the better of my commitment to honouring the sacred oath what's said in committee stays in committee. I just blurted it out without realising I was in breach of my duty to keep all committee shenanigans absolutely secret and confidential ".
Asked if he was going to resign his club membership on the grounds that he was unfit member, he said " You're right. I have let everyone down. The chairman , the committee, my colleagues and the membership as a whole. It's was clear that club members weren't interested in the truth, let alone have the mental resolve to handle and cope with it. Even my long standing partners have treated me like a pariah at this difficult time, and I deserve everything that happens to me. Being dubbed as the committee man who told the truth is something I've got to live with , and regret , for the rest of my life. "
At present secret discussions are taking place within committee as to what steps need to be taken to ensure that this kind of whistle blowing outrage never occurs again.
Thursday, 12 February 2015
JUDICIAL WORDS OF WISDOM FOR COMMITTEES WHO SET OUT ON THAT ROCKY LEGAL PATH OF DISCIPLINING ERRANT MEMBERS...... ( By McGarry J )
" The path of the law is strewn with examples of open and shut cases which , somehow, were not : of unanswered charges , which , in the event, were completely answered : of inexplicable conduct which was fully explained : of fixed and unalterable determinants that , by discussion , suffered a change . "
Yes , far too many club committees foolishly fall into the trap of treating complaints about members' misconduct as nothing more than simple , open and shut cases. Yet the road they embark upon is a quasi-judicial one with potentially dangerous legal consequences and law suits. This means that each step of the process has to be made with open eyes and minds, exercising extreme caution at all times to find that essential solid ground on which to move confidently and safely forward.
" The path of the law is strewn with examples of open and shut cases which , somehow, were not : of unanswered charges , which , in the event, were completely answered : of inexplicable conduct which was fully explained : of fixed and unalterable determinants that , by discussion , suffered a change . "
Yes , far too many club committees foolishly fall into the trap of treating complaints about members' misconduct as nothing more than simple , open and shut cases. Yet the road they embark upon is a quasi-judicial one with potentially dangerous legal consequences and law suits. This means that each step of the process has to be made with open eyes and minds, exercising extreme caution at all times to find that essential solid ground on which to move confidently and safely forward.
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
CULTURE CORNER....... ( With yet another stunning example of the Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber's poetic genius )
Entitled " NIghtmare Blues "
Saw a grown man crying
It wasn't a pretty sight
Oppo could do no wrong
On that cruel and fateful night
Slams went down on 5-0 breaks
Penalty doubles cost him dear
All that early confidence
Quickly turned to fear
As tears rolled down his face
He just couldn't take the strain
Each and every small mistake
Doubled him up in pain
One rank bottom followed another
But not from want for trying
Bridge gods were against him
And now the man was dying
His will to live was ebbing away
Lady Luck had left his side
There was no one he to turn to
Nowhere to go , nowhere to hide
By the time the session ended
His mood was very black
He said farewell to his partner
And placed his head upon the track
Entitled " NIghtmare Blues "
Saw a grown man crying
It wasn't a pretty sight
Oppo could do no wrong
On that cruel and fateful night
Slams went down on 5-0 breaks
Penalty doubles cost him dear
All that early confidence
Quickly turned to fear
As tears rolled down his face
He just couldn't take the strain
Each and every small mistake
Doubled him up in pain
One rank bottom followed another
But not from want for trying
Bridge gods were against him
And now the man was dying
His will to live was ebbing away
Lady Luck had left his side
There was no one he to turn to
Nowhere to go , nowhere to hide
By the time the session ended
His mood was very black
He said farewell to his partner
And placed his head upon the track
Monday, 9 February 2015
Sunday, 8 February 2015
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT CONSTITUTES UNFRIENDLY AND ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR........AND IT ISN'T FOUL-MOUTHED CRITICISM AND RUDENESS !!
It is my most considered view that bridge clubs are nothing more than centres of approved cheating. What has reached epidemic proportions is the low-level soft cheating that goes on , whether it be deliberate or done in bloody-minded ignorance. It is there for all to see if people are prepared to open their eyes and acknowledge the reality of what is going on in front of them......and perhaps the truth about themselves.
Cheating is without doubt the most unfriendly and anti-social act you can commit against others. When a player verbally attacks another , there is one victim. Cheating on the other hands adversely affects and damages everybody participating in the event. The consequence of cheating is that it invalidates the final scoring , the final placings and the event as a whole. To sabotage, degrade and ruin an event is a both selfish and evil act , which defiles the purity and abstract beauty of the most wonderful game in the world.
And what do the club committees and bridge governing bodies do about this problem ?
The answer is nothing. Often it is lack of proof , corroborating evidence and the reluctance to investigate , but the most likely reason why cheating of this type is allowed to continue is the irrational and cowardly decision to turn a blind eye and let it happen. At best , alleged culprits are politely asked to play more in tempo , to refrain from asking oh-so-cunning questions , and to desist from making comments , body gestures and facial expressions which partner can glean unauthorised information from. Reporting is never encouraged , rarely takes place and more often than not conveniently forgotten.
But what really takes the biscuit is when cheats , who have been hit with a volley of accusations and insults from irate and frustrated victims , have the brass-neck audacity to put in a complaint about their offensive loud-mouth behaviour. A clear case of the pot calling the kettle black. Inevitably , the cheat's misdemeanors are conveniently brushed aside as the committee throw the rule book at the member clearly found guilty of loud and boisterous criticism. No friendly or honest acknowledgement from the cheats that they were guilty of unethical acts : just more unfriendly and anti-social behaviour in the form of blatant hypocrisy , and lies by denial or omission.
It needs to be pointed out that cheats have neither a legal nor moral right to do what they do. Not so with a member choosing to be loud and boisterous in criticising an opponent of cheating. As it happens he does a legal right to use speech to deride or expose a player's ethical shortcomings. I agree that the victim is under a duty to help make the club a pleasant and congenial place for others to enjoy their game , and the right to call a TD when seeking redress for any damage to the score the cheating may have brought about. But freedom of speech is right firmly enshrined in English law , which can be exercised in nearly all public and private places. Providing the comments reflect the truth and/or represent fair opinion , the victim of cheating is entitled to have his/her say.
Cheats commit highly provocative and unfriendly acts. But for the provocation the victim would not have responded or over-reacted in the way he did. At what point then do " sharp and pointed " remarks overstep the boundaries of " acceptable behaviour " , moving into the realms of venomous abuse possibly bordering on defamation ? Not an easy call.
However , what really matters is that the game needs to be cleaned up. One starting point is to get rid of serial, persistent soft cheaters ( along with the annoyingly provocative slow players ) , and many of those prone to emotional outbursts will revert back to being quiet, pleasant and harmless pussy cats. I would rather be the victim of an unforgiving partner who called me a " useless prat " for missing his suit-preference signal , than the victim of opponents using unauthorised signalling systems. But that's me.
It is my most considered view that bridge clubs are nothing more than centres of approved cheating. What has reached epidemic proportions is the low-level soft cheating that goes on , whether it be deliberate or done in bloody-minded ignorance. It is there for all to see if people are prepared to open their eyes and acknowledge the reality of what is going on in front of them......and perhaps the truth about themselves.
Cheating is without doubt the most unfriendly and anti-social act you can commit against others. When a player verbally attacks another , there is one victim. Cheating on the other hands adversely affects and damages everybody participating in the event. The consequence of cheating is that it invalidates the final scoring , the final placings and the event as a whole. To sabotage, degrade and ruin an event is a both selfish and evil act , which defiles the purity and abstract beauty of the most wonderful game in the world.
And what do the club committees and bridge governing bodies do about this problem ?
The answer is nothing. Often it is lack of proof , corroborating evidence and the reluctance to investigate , but the most likely reason why cheating of this type is allowed to continue is the irrational and cowardly decision to turn a blind eye and let it happen. At best , alleged culprits are politely asked to play more in tempo , to refrain from asking oh-so-cunning questions , and to desist from making comments , body gestures and facial expressions which partner can glean unauthorised information from. Reporting is never encouraged , rarely takes place and more often than not conveniently forgotten.
But what really takes the biscuit is when cheats , who have been hit with a volley of accusations and insults from irate and frustrated victims , have the brass-neck audacity to put in a complaint about their offensive loud-mouth behaviour. A clear case of the pot calling the kettle black. Inevitably , the cheat's misdemeanors are conveniently brushed aside as the committee throw the rule book at the member clearly found guilty of loud and boisterous criticism. No friendly or honest acknowledgement from the cheats that they were guilty of unethical acts : just more unfriendly and anti-social behaviour in the form of blatant hypocrisy , and lies by denial or omission.
It needs to be pointed out that cheats have neither a legal nor moral right to do what they do. Not so with a member choosing to be loud and boisterous in criticising an opponent of cheating. As it happens he does a legal right to use speech to deride or expose a player's ethical shortcomings. I agree that the victim is under a duty to help make the club a pleasant and congenial place for others to enjoy their game , and the right to call a TD when seeking redress for any damage to the score the cheating may have brought about. But freedom of speech is right firmly enshrined in English law , which can be exercised in nearly all public and private places. Providing the comments reflect the truth and/or represent fair opinion , the victim of cheating is entitled to have his/her say.
Cheats commit highly provocative and unfriendly acts. But for the provocation the victim would not have responded or over-reacted in the way he did. At what point then do " sharp and pointed " remarks overstep the boundaries of " acceptable behaviour " , moving into the realms of venomous abuse possibly bordering on defamation ? Not an easy call.
However , what really matters is that the game needs to be cleaned up. One starting point is to get rid of serial, persistent soft cheaters ( along with the annoyingly provocative slow players ) , and many of those prone to emotional outbursts will revert back to being quiet, pleasant and harmless pussy cats. I would rather be the victim of an unforgiving partner who called me a " useless prat " for missing his suit-preference signal , than the victim of opponents using unauthorised signalling systems. But that's me.
IS THERE ANY POINT AT ALL TO HAVING A DISCIPLINARY HEARING ?................ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
Not when the committee believe the outcome is a foregone conclusion , it seems.
If say a person viciously attacks and injuries another member in front of dozens of witnesses , it would seem that under any rules of unacceptable conduct , this one-off unprovoked violent act warrants immediate expulsion and permanent loss of membership. So why afford the member the right to a hearing, when the obvious outcome is going to be a life ban ?
Yet the answer is this : a hearing is an absolute requirement given that the committee is under a legal obligation to do so under its own regulations and/or the law of the land. To say " we didn't hold a hearing because there was no point " contradicts logic , commonsense , fairness, equity and justice , which all subscribe to the creed there is always a point to having a hearing. Justice in order to be done has to be seen to be done.
In one highly instructive case from America , La Gorce County Club v. Cerami , the judges were appalled to discover that the expelled member was denied a hearing : to present his version of events, raise counter-arguments , challenge his accusers , and/or make pleas in mitigation.
The following pronouncements reflected the judges' determination to restrain club committees from subjecting members to disciplinary proceedings more in keeping with a kangaroo court .
" From the authorities before us , it appears to be the majority , and we think the better reasoned view , that if expulsion of a club member is accomplished without notice and hearing , the denial of these minimum safeguards is violative of the principles of natural justice , and judicial intervention is indicated. "
" To accept this ingenious argument would result in usurpation of the prerogatives which the club by-laws , and legal precedents , have delegated to its own governing body. And since this body is the final arbiter of the sufficiency of causes for expulsion , we cannot presume , under any circumstances which we are able to foresee at this moment , that a hearing before it would be vain and useless ."
Moreover , these appeal court judges were quick to support the trial judge's ruling that Cerami was entitled to an opportunity to be heard , in order to give the hearing both credibility and value. Cerami should have been given notice of all the charges laid against him. This procedure need not have been formal, or in any way ponderous , but it was INDISPENSABLE as a matter of law.
Although the club tried to argue that Cerami's petition was defective for failure to allege a demand for hearing , the court held the onus fell upon the committee to schedule a hearing date and give notice to Cerami of his right to attend. The club's responsibility-shirking argument was of course rejected out of hand in that the duty rests with the committee " to afford the member an opportunity to be heard , of which he may or may not avail himself , and to impose no requirement that the member must demand a hearing ".
And so for all club committees desperate to conduct disciplinary hearings within the law , I have one piece of advice. Make sure you go to great lengths to be over-accommodating , providing the member perhaps with more rights , benefits of doubt , and concessions that he/she is entitled to . That way , should the outcome be a decision to expel the member, he or she will have no justifiable grounds whatsoever to challenge that decision , or the manner and way in which it came about.
Rules on natural justice apply worldwide.
Not when the committee believe the outcome is a foregone conclusion , it seems.
If say a person viciously attacks and injuries another member in front of dozens of witnesses , it would seem that under any rules of unacceptable conduct , this one-off unprovoked violent act warrants immediate expulsion and permanent loss of membership. So why afford the member the right to a hearing, when the obvious outcome is going to be a life ban ?
Yet the answer is this : a hearing is an absolute requirement given that the committee is under a legal obligation to do so under its own regulations and/or the law of the land. To say " we didn't hold a hearing because there was no point " contradicts logic , commonsense , fairness, equity and justice , which all subscribe to the creed there is always a point to having a hearing. Justice in order to be done has to be seen to be done.
In one highly instructive case from America , La Gorce County Club v. Cerami , the judges were appalled to discover that the expelled member was denied a hearing : to present his version of events, raise counter-arguments , challenge his accusers , and/or make pleas in mitigation.
The following pronouncements reflected the judges' determination to restrain club committees from subjecting members to disciplinary proceedings more in keeping with a kangaroo court .
" From the authorities before us , it appears to be the majority , and we think the better reasoned view , that if expulsion of a club member is accomplished without notice and hearing , the denial of these minimum safeguards is violative of the principles of natural justice , and judicial intervention is indicated. "
" To accept this ingenious argument would result in usurpation of the prerogatives which the club by-laws , and legal precedents , have delegated to its own governing body. And since this body is the final arbiter of the sufficiency of causes for expulsion , we cannot presume , under any circumstances which we are able to foresee at this moment , that a hearing before it would be vain and useless ."
Moreover , these appeal court judges were quick to support the trial judge's ruling that Cerami was entitled to an opportunity to be heard , in order to give the hearing both credibility and value. Cerami should have been given notice of all the charges laid against him. This procedure need not have been formal, or in any way ponderous , but it was INDISPENSABLE as a matter of law.
Although the club tried to argue that Cerami's petition was defective for failure to allege a demand for hearing , the court held the onus fell upon the committee to schedule a hearing date and give notice to Cerami of his right to attend. The club's responsibility-shirking argument was of course rejected out of hand in that the duty rests with the committee " to afford the member an opportunity to be heard , of which he may or may not avail himself , and to impose no requirement that the member must demand a hearing ".
And so for all club committees desperate to conduct disciplinary hearings within the law , I have one piece of advice. Make sure you go to great lengths to be over-accommodating , providing the member perhaps with more rights , benefits of doubt , and concessions that he/she is entitled to . That way , should the outcome be a decision to expel the member, he or she will have no justifiable grounds whatsoever to challenge that decision , or the manner and way in which it came about.
Rules on natural justice apply worldwide.
Friday, 6 February 2015
LAW REPORT : SOOTHSAYER v. SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC COMMITTEE ( 2015 )
Yet another ruthlessly executed expulsion ended up in court for a judicial resolution , with the plaintiff demanding reinstatement and damages.Bigot-Johnson , club chairman and owner , was once again forced to defend his position claiming that the expulsion was fair and correct. As usual he elected to conduct the club's defence , and a short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below.
Counsel for the plaintiff ( CP ) : My client has been the victim of a real injustice
B-J : Like hell he has !
CP : Many of the issues involved in this case have entered the realms of equity law
B-J : Well , I never .....
CP : Indeed , it needs to be noted that one of the fundamental failings of this committee is that they failed to treat my client the same way as they would another member who had committed a similar transgression. Equity requires all members to be treated the same , irrespective of how liked or disliked they are.
B-J : Listen muppethead .....what do you know.....this man is a serial loud-mouthed troublemaker , whose final straw act broke the camel's back. He deserved special treatment given all the grief and misery he has inflicted upon the club over many many years.
CP : Yes , his past history of misconduct may be relevant to the business of determining an appropriate sanction , but with regards to the actual complaint made he was entitled to be treated the same as any other member up before the committee on a similar charge of misconduct.
B-J : Exactly...
CP : However , where you and your committee failed was in the manner and way you set about dealing with my client's alleged misconduct of slamming a door in the face of a member following close behind.
B-J : That behaviour was disgraceful !
CP : So if other members had behaved like that ..... would they too face similar disciplinary proceedings ?
B-J : I've no bloody idea
CP : Well , like me remind you of what did actually take place. The committee member who made the complaint , on behalf of the alleged victim , admitted he had chosen to take this course of action because he knew " it would carry more weight if it came from him ". Clearly his intent was to ensure that the committee would respond differently....albeit in a stricter and unforgiving way......... towards my client , as a consequence of his committee status. This represents a clear breach of the equal treatment rule.
B-J : Which committee member said that......I'll have his guts for garters
CP : Moreover , the same committee member also admitted that " if anyone else had done the same thing , he or she would have been treated differently ......and by that we can assume ...... .....more leniently. So yet again another breach of the equal treatment rule.
B-J : I'll have him.....I'll have him
CP : It is my contention that your committee would be more inclined to regard the slamming of a door as a thoughtless, inconsiderate , innocent perhaps wind-assisted act in most instances.....but in the case of my client you all decided to treat the same act as a violent assault...... using a door as a deadly weapon......just because he was on your hit list .
B-J : How in the blue blazes did you get to know about that ?
CP : In terms of natural justice and equity my client was treated unfairly..... in a disturbingly robust and adverse way ,
Judge : I agree.....but I do believe the plaintiff is requires a lesson or two in shutting doors
B-J : I've heard enough of all this bloody nonsense ( and at that point in the trial Bigot stormed out of the courtroom slamming of course all the doors behind him )
( Author's note : This spoof law report , like many others before , is based on a real life case , where the plaintiff successfully obtained a judgement for reinstatement as a member of his local yacht club. Having been expelled from the club following an altercation on a towpath with a son of a committee member , the judges ruled by a majority that the expulsion was wrongful , since the misconduct of the other party was completely overlooked.
This contrast of outcomes clearly represented an invincible bias in favour of the committee member's son , condemning the plaintiff to be treated in a different , adverse and unjust way.
As for the incident itself , the plaintiff found his way on the towpath blocked by the son's car , who was still occupying the driver's seat. Refusing to move the vehicle , the plaintiff elected to climb on the bonnet and walk across the car roof in order to continue his journey. Although the dents to the vehicle were paid for by the plaintiff , the committee still decided to discipline him , but in the process exonerated the driver's spiteful and provocative behaviour. )
Yet another ruthlessly executed expulsion ended up in court for a judicial resolution , with the plaintiff demanding reinstatement and damages.Bigot-Johnson , club chairman and owner , was once again forced to defend his position claiming that the expulsion was fair and correct. As usual he elected to conduct the club's defence , and a short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below.
Counsel for the plaintiff ( CP ) : My client has been the victim of a real injustice
B-J : Like hell he has !
CP : Many of the issues involved in this case have entered the realms of equity law
B-J : Well , I never .....
CP : Indeed , it needs to be noted that one of the fundamental failings of this committee is that they failed to treat my client the same way as they would another member who had committed a similar transgression. Equity requires all members to be treated the same , irrespective of how liked or disliked they are.
B-J : Listen muppethead .....what do you know.....this man is a serial loud-mouthed troublemaker , whose final straw act broke the camel's back. He deserved special treatment given all the grief and misery he has inflicted upon the club over many many years.
CP : Yes , his past history of misconduct may be relevant to the business of determining an appropriate sanction , but with regards to the actual complaint made he was entitled to be treated the same as any other member up before the committee on a similar charge of misconduct.
B-J : Exactly...
CP : However , where you and your committee failed was in the manner and way you set about dealing with my client's alleged misconduct of slamming a door in the face of a member following close behind.
B-J : That behaviour was disgraceful !
CP : So if other members had behaved like that ..... would they too face similar disciplinary proceedings ?
B-J : I've no bloody idea
CP : Well , like me remind you of what did actually take place. The committee member who made the complaint , on behalf of the alleged victim , admitted he had chosen to take this course of action because he knew " it would carry more weight if it came from him ". Clearly his intent was to ensure that the committee would respond differently....albeit in a stricter and unforgiving way......... towards my client , as a consequence of his committee status. This represents a clear breach of the equal treatment rule.
B-J : Which committee member said that......I'll have his guts for garters
CP : Moreover , the same committee member also admitted that " if anyone else had done the same thing , he or she would have been treated differently ......and by that we can assume ...... .....more leniently. So yet again another breach of the equal treatment rule.
B-J : I'll have him.....I'll have him
CP : It is my contention that your committee would be more inclined to regard the slamming of a door as a thoughtless, inconsiderate , innocent perhaps wind-assisted act in most instances.....but in the case of my client you all decided to treat the same act as a violent assault...... using a door as a deadly weapon......just because he was on your hit list .
B-J : How in the blue blazes did you get to know about that ?
CP : In terms of natural justice and equity my client was treated unfairly..... in a disturbingly robust and adverse way ,
Judge : I agree.....but I do believe the plaintiff is requires a lesson or two in shutting doors
B-J : I've heard enough of all this bloody nonsense ( and at that point in the trial Bigot stormed out of the courtroom slamming of course all the doors behind him )
( Author's note : This spoof law report , like many others before , is based on a real life case , where the plaintiff successfully obtained a judgement for reinstatement as a member of his local yacht club. Having been expelled from the club following an altercation on a towpath with a son of a committee member , the judges ruled by a majority that the expulsion was wrongful , since the misconduct of the other party was completely overlooked.
This contrast of outcomes clearly represented an invincible bias in favour of the committee member's son , condemning the plaintiff to be treated in a different , adverse and unjust way.
As for the incident itself , the plaintiff found his way on the towpath blocked by the son's car , who was still occupying the driver's seat. Refusing to move the vehicle , the plaintiff elected to climb on the bonnet and walk across the car roof in order to continue his journey. Although the dents to the vehicle were paid for by the plaintiff , the committee still decided to discipline him , but in the process exonerated the driver's spiteful and provocative behaviour. )
Thursday, 5 February 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS FOR UNETHICAL PLAYERS..... ( Suggestions by Pun )
- How To Read What The Opponents Are Holding........................Lena Cross
- What Is It About My Partner That Makes Her So Special ? .......Janice Saikwar
- A Winning Strategy For Intermediate Players............................P. K. Lott
- He Always Rushing Off To Partner Other Women.......................Fanny Hunter
- Bridge Club Committees Are Usually Full Of Them....................Des Potts
- My Partner's Cancelled Again With Another Lame Excuse.........Ivan Hedake
- To Win At Bridge You Need To Be Resolute And Bold................R. D. Ness
- Anything Goes At The Slaughter House Bridge Club..................Anna Kay Reines
- The Only Guaranteed Way To Win At Bridge.............................Mark Dacardes
- Mastering The Art Of Deception And Cunning.............................Bess T. B. Sligh
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON EXPOSES HIMSELF AS A DESPICABLE SEXIST
According to the highly controversial bridge blogger , Bigot-Johnson , women are not up to the standard of men and should therefore more segregation is needed.
After years of studying club duplicate results and prestigious open tournaments , The Slaughter House BC chairman has produced a dossier of evidence to prove that performance women players generally was well below that of the men. Consequently , it appeared that women were simply there to make up the numbers , and to offer themselves up as sitting ducks or fish in a barrel.
" Women are , by and large , a lot of hassle in many other ways " , he added. They clutter up the kitchen , get over-emotional even over the smallest incidents , and forever want to talk about their feelings , holidays , and families , instead of much needed changes to their system card, bridge technique , and important/interesting hands.
" I'm not saying that segregation needs to be permanent and final , or anything like that , it's more in keeping with what is happening at top level competitions. Governing bodies both sides of the Atlantic put on special ladies pairs and teams events , but men of course are restricted to enter just the open events ( alongside the women ). If segregation like this occurs in favour of women then why can't the same be rolled out into club duplicates and competitions as well.
Not surprisingly, one lady member of the SHBC was incensed by such a proposal. " This man is nothing more that an ignorant male chauvinist pig , a sexist of the worst kind. To suggest that women are in some way not up to the standard of men beggars belief., when half the women in this club have a higher national grade ranking than this buffoon of a man. He sees us no doubt as a highly desirable source of club income , but completely undesirable as possible partners or team mates. To him lady players are just succubi. "
On hearing this Bigot -Johnson was flabbergasted . So much so , he was determined to have the final word. " Men need to play in an all-male field , where they can be free to enjoy themselves swearing , farting , ribbing each other , and throwing major tantrums .....without fear of being reported or complained about. And what's more the games will involve numerous bitter rivalries , vendettas , and arguments , adding of course a real sharp competitive edge to the proceedings. Men like to engage in vicious bloody battles , and not in namby-pamby zero-tolerance stuff , typical of a day out at a Sunday church garden party. "
According to the highly controversial bridge blogger , Bigot-Johnson , women are not up to the standard of men and should therefore more segregation is needed.
After years of studying club duplicate results and prestigious open tournaments , The Slaughter House BC chairman has produced a dossier of evidence to prove that performance women players generally was well below that of the men. Consequently , it appeared that women were simply there to make up the numbers , and to offer themselves up as sitting ducks or fish in a barrel.
" Women are , by and large , a lot of hassle in many other ways " , he added. They clutter up the kitchen , get over-emotional even over the smallest incidents , and forever want to talk about their feelings , holidays , and families , instead of much needed changes to their system card, bridge technique , and important/interesting hands.
" I'm not saying that segregation needs to be permanent and final , or anything like that , it's more in keeping with what is happening at top level competitions. Governing bodies both sides of the Atlantic put on special ladies pairs and teams events , but men of course are restricted to enter just the open events ( alongside the women ). If segregation like this occurs in favour of women then why can't the same be rolled out into club duplicates and competitions as well.
Not surprisingly, one lady member of the SHBC was incensed by such a proposal. " This man is nothing more that an ignorant male chauvinist pig , a sexist of the worst kind. To suggest that women are in some way not up to the standard of men beggars belief., when half the women in this club have a higher national grade ranking than this buffoon of a man. He sees us no doubt as a highly desirable source of club income , but completely undesirable as possible partners or team mates. To him lady players are just succubi. "
On hearing this Bigot -Johnson was flabbergasted . So much so , he was determined to have the final word. " Men need to play in an all-male field , where they can be free to enjoy themselves swearing , farting , ribbing each other , and throwing major tantrums .....without fear of being reported or complained about. And what's more the games will involve numerous bitter rivalries , vendettas , and arguments , adding of course a real sharp competitive edge to the proceedings. Men like to engage in vicious bloody battles , and not in namby-pamby zero-tolerance stuff , typical of a day out at a Sunday church garden party. "
Sunday, 1 February 2015
NEWSFLASH : RESEARCH SHOWS THAT MALE BRIDGE PLAYERS STRUGGLE WITH LIFE OUTSIDE THE HALLOWED SANCTUARIES OF THEIR BELOVED CLUBS
Male bridge players in particular experience real difficulties in adapting to social situations away from their local bridge clubs. They struggle to communicate and converse with non-bridge players when invited to a social get-together or party.
The big problem for them is their inability to talk on subjects that are not related to bridge. Apart of making the odd glib statement here and there , they quickly run out of conversation . This clearly reflected both a general lack of interest or boredom on issues which have no relevance or meaning in their bridge-dominated lives.
Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found that men , well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , were hard-wired to only focus on ( and be obsessed about ) the bidding and play of problem bridge hands. In some social situations most men appeared quietly confident to be part of , and mix in with , a large group. They would seem happy to be involved in group photos , asking the odd questions , nodding in agreement when required , but always looking to excuse themselves at the first opportunity. However , beneath the veneer of fake bon hommie , they were clearly experiencing both pain and despair . Not surprisingly , all those surveyed admitted to being ill at ease when conversation drifted into the world of art , culture , politics and economics.
Bridge players , programmed to spend all their time waxing lyrical about aspects of the game they love and cherish , are therefore compelled to find ways to steer conversations back into their comfort zone. If unsuccessful , they quietly drift into a comatose state , lost for words , and staring blankly into space. Not surprisingly , they will suddenly switch themselves back on the moment they are asked an open question as to what been happening in their lives. Having previously nothing to say , they would now jump in all guns blazing on a personal bridge-related matter of concern . In other situations , conversations would be steered back towards bridge , by strategically butting in with topic changing bits of gossip.
On rare occasions , one or two of bridge players were actually seen initiating an intellectual non-bridge conversation , in which they volunteered opinions and exchanged views on a subject for up to 3 minutes , before smartly twisting the conversation round to their chosen area of expertise. Others who lacked this particular skill spent most of their time in social groups with an apparent anti-social attitude, by religiously adopting a non-communicative state of mind.
Researchers concluded that male bridge players who found themselves marooned from their clubs floundered helplessly in all other social situations. To suggest they were like fish out of water was by all accounts a gross understatement , given their appalling inability to adapt to different almost alien surroundings.
Male bridge players in particular experience real difficulties in adapting to social situations away from their local bridge clubs. They struggle to communicate and converse with non-bridge players when invited to a social get-together or party.
The big problem for them is their inability to talk on subjects that are not related to bridge. Apart of making the odd glib statement here and there , they quickly run out of conversation . This clearly reflected both a general lack of interest or boredom on issues which have no relevance or meaning in their bridge-dominated lives.
Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found that men , well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , were hard-wired to only focus on ( and be obsessed about ) the bidding and play of problem bridge hands. In some social situations most men appeared quietly confident to be part of , and mix in with , a large group. They would seem happy to be involved in group photos , asking the odd questions , nodding in agreement when required , but always looking to excuse themselves at the first opportunity. However , beneath the veneer of fake bon hommie , they were clearly experiencing both pain and despair . Not surprisingly , all those surveyed admitted to being ill at ease when conversation drifted into the world of art , culture , politics and economics.
Bridge players , programmed to spend all their time waxing lyrical about aspects of the game they love and cherish , are therefore compelled to find ways to steer conversations back into their comfort zone. If unsuccessful , they quietly drift into a comatose state , lost for words , and staring blankly into space. Not surprisingly , they will suddenly switch themselves back on the moment they are asked an open question as to what been happening in their lives. Having previously nothing to say , they would now jump in all guns blazing on a personal bridge-related matter of concern . In other situations , conversations would be steered back towards bridge , by strategically butting in with topic changing bits of gossip.
On rare occasions , one or two of bridge players were actually seen initiating an intellectual non-bridge conversation , in which they volunteered opinions and exchanged views on a subject for up to 3 minutes , before smartly twisting the conversation round to their chosen area of expertise. Others who lacked this particular skill spent most of their time in social groups with an apparent anti-social attitude, by religiously adopting a non-communicative state of mind.
Researchers concluded that male bridge players who found themselves marooned from their clubs floundered helplessly in all other social situations. To suggest they were like fish out of water was by all accounts a gross understatement , given their appalling inability to adapt to different almost alien surroundings.
Thursday, 29 January 2015
THE INVINCIBILITY AND INEVITABILITY OF BIAS IN DECISION MAKING... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )
When club committees embark on the difficult task of disciplining alleged wrongdoers , the spectre of bias looms long and large. Personal agendas , emotions , motives and vendettas can quickly replace objectivity , impartiality and fairness.
Can disciplinary committees ever be free from bias ? The answer I'm afraid is an emphatic " No ". Bias is the natural result of every person's self-centrism . Unless a committee member is completely incapacitated by self-doubt , then all those in attendance will be utterly convinced that their beliefs, actions and opinions are absolutely correct at the time.
The caveat " at the time " is an essential part , because all the committee members ( except for those who are pathologically incapable of acknowledging error ) may well come to realise that they have made a mistake , and that their beliefs , actions and/or opinions were wrong. For instance , is sneezing in front of another member a deliberate biological assault or is it an unfortunate instinctive consequence of having a cold ?
What is certain is that our human tendency is to believe the other person is biased , but not to believe that we ourselves are biased. With regards to disciplinary matters , it comes as no surprise to see committee members failing to perceive their own biases , and this regrettably warps their perceptions , judgements and decisions. If the member who sneezed has a track record of being rude and ill-mannered , then his action must be deliberate.
Bias is a sort of " blind spot " in a peoples' thinking : a place where their assurance of being right makes them vulnerable to imagining the world to be different from how it it truly is. As truth has it the sneeze was a reflex response to the cat hair /dust on the victim's clothing. But the thing about blind spots is that we are not aware of them. Our reality is made up of our thinking, assumed beliefs , our own self-awareness and introspection. If a committee member sees things in a jaundiced and particular way , then he/she might well form the view that the alleged member's explanation was without any validity or substance whatsoever , or was nothing more than a woefully limp , insufficient excuse. And should another committee member take a minority view of believing the accused , then he/she " can't see straight " or is just plain unintelligent. By denying our bias we delude ourselves and fail to recognise our susceptibility to deception and self-deception.
It was Mark twain who once said : " It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. " And so it is those cursed blind spots of bias which get people into trouble. Ignorance is merely a need for information or education : error , especially when it is believed wholeheartedly , is a calamity waiting to happen.
Even when evidence of an allergy to cats is presented , which suggests the accused's explanation has both validity and merit , committee members might already have deluded themselves by crediting their motives , intentions , feelings and emotions to fully justify their decision to treat the incident as a biological assault. " We meant well.....our motives were good , and so arrived at a good decision to suspend the member so often guilty of gross misconduct ".
In any disciplinary hearing when contradictory evidence is presented , committee members have a choice to either consider it or ignore it. If the evidence is ignored simply because it conflicts with their pre-formed ( and self-corroborated ) view , then the spectre of bias is clearly present for all objective onlookers to see. Indeed , it is laughable in the extreme to hear people state that they are " not biased " when they clearly are. Yes, everyone is biased to some extent , but when the boundaries have been pushed out by personal prejudices , their particular view of reality will be severely distorted. It's obvious the accused deliberately set out to transfer his snivelling cold onto the person he/she was known to dislike .
Bias influences , shades and slants conscious decisions in ways that we are not aware of at the time. Looking back , some of us can be made aware of how our assurance of correctness can lead to a disaster , but we didn't , or couldn't , see it . Biased thinking , even when others have given out warnings of impending trouble , cannot be altered. Bias tends to be permanently ingrained. Many commentators have talked about " normalcy bias " which causes people to underestimate the possibility of decision leading to a disaster or catastrophe. The consequence of not heeding warnings is of course the failure to prepare for worst case scenarios. The threat of legal action being taken against us ? It wont happen. It'll all blow over " is a classic response , yet again illustrating yet another blind spot. The consequence of underestimating is of course the failure to prepare any contingency plans , or to re-examine their decisions.
Such is the invincibility and inevitability of bias , it never goes away and can never be removed.
Such is the invincibility of bias , ignorance of it and denial become inevitable. And even when people are confronted and made aware of their bias , they inevitably pull out all the stops to rationalize their actions and decisions................
" We were not biased against the member who sneezed but we were biased towards the complainant who was sneezed upon "
"The sneeze may have been innocent but the suspension was justified based on the member's appalling track record of rudeness and inappropriate behaviour. "
" We invested so much time, effort and energy on this matter to admit we were wrong."
"The majority of members backed our decision , which clearly shows we made the right decision."
" I voted for suspension along with committee members who I really trust. They can't all be wrong."
" For the sake of the club , drastic action was called for. Members would have been upset if we had done nothing."
Dreaming up these counter-reality thoughts is without doubt hard work. Consequently, critics who challenge these rationalisations are not appreciated or liked. If one is allowed to trash this counter-reality , the likelihood of destroying their snug, safe sanctuary becomes becomes ever more apparent . Biased people will therefore lash out at those who have the temerity to disagree with them. The Human Condition demands it.
When club committees embark on the difficult task of disciplining alleged wrongdoers , the spectre of bias looms long and large. Personal agendas , emotions , motives and vendettas can quickly replace objectivity , impartiality and fairness.
Can disciplinary committees ever be free from bias ? The answer I'm afraid is an emphatic " No ". Bias is the natural result of every person's self-centrism . Unless a committee member is completely incapacitated by self-doubt , then all those in attendance will be utterly convinced that their beliefs, actions and opinions are absolutely correct at the time.
The caveat " at the time " is an essential part , because all the committee members ( except for those who are pathologically incapable of acknowledging error ) may well come to realise that they have made a mistake , and that their beliefs , actions and/or opinions were wrong. For instance , is sneezing in front of another member a deliberate biological assault or is it an unfortunate instinctive consequence of having a cold ?
What is certain is that our human tendency is to believe the other person is biased , but not to believe that we ourselves are biased. With regards to disciplinary matters , it comes as no surprise to see committee members failing to perceive their own biases , and this regrettably warps their perceptions , judgements and decisions. If the member who sneezed has a track record of being rude and ill-mannered , then his action must be deliberate.
Bias is a sort of " blind spot " in a peoples' thinking : a place where their assurance of being right makes them vulnerable to imagining the world to be different from how it it truly is. As truth has it the sneeze was a reflex response to the cat hair /dust on the victim's clothing. But the thing about blind spots is that we are not aware of them. Our reality is made up of our thinking, assumed beliefs , our own self-awareness and introspection. If a committee member sees things in a jaundiced and particular way , then he/she might well form the view that the alleged member's explanation was without any validity or substance whatsoever , or was nothing more than a woefully limp , insufficient excuse. And should another committee member take a minority view of believing the accused , then he/she " can't see straight " or is just plain unintelligent. By denying our bias we delude ourselves and fail to recognise our susceptibility to deception and self-deception.
It was Mark twain who once said : " It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. " And so it is those cursed blind spots of bias which get people into trouble. Ignorance is merely a need for information or education : error , especially when it is believed wholeheartedly , is a calamity waiting to happen.
Even when evidence of an allergy to cats is presented , which suggests the accused's explanation has both validity and merit , committee members might already have deluded themselves by crediting their motives , intentions , feelings and emotions to fully justify their decision to treat the incident as a biological assault. " We meant well.....our motives were good , and so arrived at a good decision to suspend the member so often guilty of gross misconduct ".
In any disciplinary hearing when contradictory evidence is presented , committee members have a choice to either consider it or ignore it. If the evidence is ignored simply because it conflicts with their pre-formed ( and self-corroborated ) view , then the spectre of bias is clearly present for all objective onlookers to see. Indeed , it is laughable in the extreme to hear people state that they are " not biased " when they clearly are. Yes, everyone is biased to some extent , but when the boundaries have been pushed out by personal prejudices , their particular view of reality will be severely distorted. It's obvious the accused deliberately set out to transfer his snivelling cold onto the person he/she was known to dislike .
Bias influences , shades and slants conscious decisions in ways that we are not aware of at the time. Looking back , some of us can be made aware of how our assurance of correctness can lead to a disaster , but we didn't , or couldn't , see it . Biased thinking , even when others have given out warnings of impending trouble , cannot be altered. Bias tends to be permanently ingrained. Many commentators have talked about " normalcy bias " which causes people to underestimate the possibility of decision leading to a disaster or catastrophe. The consequence of not heeding warnings is of course the failure to prepare for worst case scenarios. The threat of legal action being taken against us ? It wont happen. It'll all blow over " is a classic response , yet again illustrating yet another blind spot. The consequence of underestimating is of course the failure to prepare any contingency plans , or to re-examine their decisions.
Such is the invincibility and inevitability of bias , it never goes away and can never be removed.
Such is the invincibility of bias , ignorance of it and denial become inevitable. And even when people are confronted and made aware of their bias , they inevitably pull out all the stops to rationalize their actions and decisions................
" We were not biased against the member who sneezed but we were biased towards the complainant who was sneezed upon "
"The sneeze may have been innocent but the suspension was justified based on the member's appalling track record of rudeness and inappropriate behaviour. "
" We invested so much time, effort and energy on this matter to admit we were wrong."
"The majority of members backed our decision , which clearly shows we made the right decision."
" I voted for suspension along with committee members who I really trust. They can't all be wrong."
" For the sake of the club , drastic action was called for. Members would have been upset if we had done nothing."
Dreaming up these counter-reality thoughts is without doubt hard work. Consequently, critics who challenge these rationalisations are not appreciated or liked. If one is allowed to trash this counter-reality , the likelihood of destroying their snug, safe sanctuary becomes becomes ever more apparent . Biased people will therefore lash out at those who have the temerity to disagree with them. The Human Condition demands it.
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Sunday, 25 January 2015
ANOTHER POETIC MASTERPIECE FROM THE PEN OF DR. SIGMUND T. SHUKELGRUBER....
( Entitled the " Here Comes The Preacher Man " in dedication to all those I-know-best-love-my own-voice self-proclaimed experts who terrorise members in every bridge club you care to name )
Here comes the preacher man
He's always here
He's always there
He's always bloody everywhere
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
He gets through the gears
To hammer your ears
To heighten your fears
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He sees bridge as a sport
Where nous can be taught
Where he can hold court
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He's ready to tail you
He's looking to nail you
Then publicly flail you
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
Words loaded with spite
Pushing wisdom that's shite
He tells what's right
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
No where to hide
Hope's all but died
I'm gonna get fried
By this man in the long dark coat
( Entitled the " Here Comes The Preacher Man " in dedication to all those I-know-best-love-my own-voice self-proclaimed experts who terrorise members in every bridge club you care to name )
Here comes the preacher man
He's always here
He's always there
He's always bloody everywhere
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
He gets through the gears
To hammer your ears
To heighten your fears
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He sees bridge as a sport
Where nous can be taught
Where he can hold court
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
He's ready to tail you
He's looking to nail you
Then publicly flail you
This man in the long dark coat
He comes the preacher man
Words loaded with spite
Pushing wisdom that's shite
He tells what's right
This man in the long dark coat
Here comes the preacher man
No where to hide
Hope's all but died
I'm gonna get fried
By this man in the long dark coat
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Thursday, 22 January 2015
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............
Dear Rebecca ,
I was partnering the Northern Pro , when he picked up AQ7654.....AK4.....Q.....843. Not surprisingly he opened 1S , which was followed by a pass from my RHO.
I held 32....QJ1052....J94....K95 and under our system I was obliged to bid 1NT denying a 10+ HCP hand. However my LHO vulnerable overcalled 3D which ended the auction.
The Northern Pro then turned on me to ask why I didn't come in with 3H , seemingly laying the blame on me for missing a rigid game in hearts with 10 easy tricks there for the taking. Opponents were at best restricted to just 3 winners , with the Ace of clubs ,Ace of Diamonds along with a safety play first round duck in spades.
The King of spades was onside , and both major suits were breaking 3-2. The club king was sitting over the Ace , and consequently a losing club was going away either on an established diamond or spade trick.
So was the Northern Pro right in his assessment as to where the blame lay.
Yours feeling particularly unconvinced ,
Dan Virdcross
Dear Dan ,
I believe the Northern Pro was at fault for not reopening with a double. This way he could show more than a minimum opening hand , and a willingness to play in spades with little help from yourself.
If of course you bid hearts showing five , he will have no problem bidding four. On reflection you had nothing more than what your 1NT bid suggested , but The Northern Pro's extra points and 6 card spade suit certainly demanded another bid from him.
Yours clearly on your side ,
Rebecca Rood
Dear Rebecca ,
I was partnering the Northern Pro , when he picked up AQ7654.....AK4.....Q.....843. Not surprisingly he opened 1S , which was followed by a pass from my RHO.
I held 32....QJ1052....J94....K95 and under our system I was obliged to bid 1NT denying a 10+ HCP hand. However my LHO vulnerable overcalled 3D which ended the auction.
The Northern Pro then turned on me to ask why I didn't come in with 3H , seemingly laying the blame on me for missing a rigid game in hearts with 10 easy tricks there for the taking. Opponents were at best restricted to just 3 winners , with the Ace of clubs ,Ace of Diamonds along with a safety play first round duck in spades.
The King of spades was onside , and both major suits were breaking 3-2. The club king was sitting over the Ace , and consequently a losing club was going away either on an established diamond or spade trick.
So was the Northern Pro right in his assessment as to where the blame lay.
Yours feeling particularly unconvinced ,
Dan Virdcross
Dear Dan ,
I believe the Northern Pro was at fault for not reopening with a double. This way he could show more than a minimum opening hand , and a willingness to play in spades with little help from yourself.
If of course you bid hearts showing five , he will have no problem bidding four. On reflection you had nothing more than what your 1NT bid suggested , but The Northern Pro's extra points and 6 card spade suit certainly demanded another bid from him.
Yours clearly on your side ,
Rebecca Rood
Tuesday, 20 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : APPLICATIONS FOR MEMBERSHIP AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB TRIPLE OVERNIGHT........
Bigot-Johnson's new
compulsory dress code
for ladies under 40 years
of age immediately led to
an enormous increase in
male members. This is in
sharp contrast to the
declining membership
as experienced by the
nearby B-9 Bridge Club ,
renown for its zero
tolerance fun destroying
policies.
compulsory dress code
for ladies under 40 years
of age immediately led to
an enormous increase in
male members. This is in
sharp contrast to the
declining membership
as experienced by the
nearby B-9 Bridge Club ,
renown for its zero
tolerance fun destroying
policies.
Friday, 16 January 2015
LAW REPORT ( "X" rated material not suitable for adults with sensitive dispositions ) : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON 2015
In this landmark case Bigot-Johnson was brought before the Crown Court charged with the crime of bestiality. Not surprisingly he venomously denied the charge , and was so confident about his innocence he decided to conduct his own defence. The following extract has been taken from the trial's transcript , which for many proved to be too shocking and harrowing to read in full.
Prosecuting counsel ( PC ) : Bestiality is defined as sexual relations between a human being and an animal. In fact many devout Christians regard this heinous act as a crime against nature
B-J : I'm innocent....
PC : I put it to this court that Bigot is guilty of this crime......a most despicable , depraved , perverted act........one so often associated with inbred Welsh mountain sheep farmers....
B-J : I'm innocent.....why I'm a respectable married man with a devoted and loving wife , two well grounded children and three adorable grand-children. I'm a blogger of distinction, a former law lecturer, carer and pinball enthusiast.
PC : Well, let me ask you this Bigot .....have you ever engaged in extra-marital affairs with lady members of your club
B-J : I can't say "no" to that question....
PC : I'm not surprised given the thirteen witness statements I have in front of me
B-J : Tip of the iceberg.....
PC : So you admit to bit of sporran dabbling here and there with ladies ....who obviously have poor judgement and an obliging nature
B-J : Mmm....yes.....I do recall a little bit of hanky panky on several occasions....and of course
happy moments of lustful play and indulgence
PC : But is it also true that you.... constantly and repeatedly ...... refer to the female members in your club as " cheating dogs "
B-J : Yes
PC : And on many others occasions as " clueless rabbits "
B-J : Yes..
PC : Several times as " chimps "
B-J : Yes...
PC : Other times as " timid mice "
B-J : Yes..
PC : And on occasions as " sly old foxes "
B-J : Yes...yes...yes
PC : So I take it then you perceive and define all lady members......even your partners.......as animals of one kind or another
B-J : I guess so
PC : Therefore.....on those occasions you were engaged in extra-marital activities , you had it your mind you were performing sex with an animal of one shape or form
B-J : You could say that.....especially when they turn into tigers
PC : Well that to me establishes the mens rea of the crime.....and so with the sexual act itself ...the actus rear....oops sorry....the actus reus....all this adds up to one inescapaable conclusion.....Bigot you're as guilty as hell
Judge : I'm shocked.....your sexist attitudes have so corrupted your mind , you have clearly sunk to an appalling degenerate level......the courtroom has been stunned into silence. What should have been a loving .....albeit adulterous.....acts between two human beings was sadly converted into acts of bestiality. What pray God do you have to say for yourself ?
B-J : Well , your Honour... since I am happy to acknowledge and accept my intentions as " beastly aforethought ", which along with my odious reputation as " a loathsome beast who bull shits his way through life " ..... I cannot therefore be guilty of this crime
Judge : How come ?
B-J : Because.....by ceasing to be a decent human being .....a person of any worth or standing....I have become a beast. Consequently , the human requirement for this crime is clearly missing. And if you consider the ladies as fulfilling the human requirement and me being the beast, then it is they who should be on trial.....and not me
Judge : My God....you're right....case dismissed
In this landmark case Bigot-Johnson was brought before the Crown Court charged with the crime of bestiality. Not surprisingly he venomously denied the charge , and was so confident about his innocence he decided to conduct his own defence. The following extract has been taken from the trial's transcript , which for many proved to be too shocking and harrowing to read in full.
Prosecuting counsel ( PC ) : Bestiality is defined as sexual relations between a human being and an animal. In fact many devout Christians regard this heinous act as a crime against nature
B-J : I'm innocent....
PC : I put it to this court that Bigot is guilty of this crime......a most despicable , depraved , perverted act........one so often associated with inbred Welsh mountain sheep farmers....
B-J : I'm innocent.....why I'm a respectable married man with a devoted and loving wife , two well grounded children and three adorable grand-children. I'm a blogger of distinction, a former law lecturer, carer and pinball enthusiast.
PC : Well, let me ask you this Bigot .....have you ever engaged in extra-marital affairs with lady members of your club
B-J : I can't say "no" to that question....
PC : I'm not surprised given the thirteen witness statements I have in front of me
B-J : Tip of the iceberg.....
PC : So you admit to bit of sporran dabbling here and there with ladies ....who obviously have poor judgement and an obliging nature
B-J : Mmm....yes.....I do recall a little bit of hanky panky on several occasions....and of course
happy moments of lustful play and indulgence
PC : But is it also true that you.... constantly and repeatedly ...... refer to the female members in your club as " cheating dogs "
B-J : Yes
PC : And on many others occasions as " clueless rabbits "
B-J : Yes..
PC : Several times as " chimps "
B-J : Yes...
PC : Other times as " timid mice "
B-J : Yes..
PC : And on occasions as " sly old foxes "
B-J : Yes...yes...yes
PC : So I take it then you perceive and define all lady members......even your partners.......as animals of one kind or another
B-J : I guess so
PC : Therefore.....on those occasions you were engaged in extra-marital activities , you had it your mind you were performing sex with an animal of one shape or form
B-J : You could say that.....especially when they turn into tigers
PC : Well that to me establishes the mens rea of the crime.....and so with the sexual act itself ...the actus rear....oops sorry....the actus reus....all this adds up to one inescapaable conclusion.....Bigot you're as guilty as hell
Judge : I'm shocked.....your sexist attitudes have so corrupted your mind , you have clearly sunk to an appalling degenerate level......the courtroom has been stunned into silence. What should have been a loving .....albeit adulterous.....acts between two human beings was sadly converted into acts of bestiality. What pray God do you have to say for yourself ?
B-J : Well , your Honour... since I am happy to acknowledge and accept my intentions as " beastly aforethought ", which along with my odious reputation as " a loathsome beast who bull shits his way through life " ..... I cannot therefore be guilty of this crime
Judge : How come ?
B-J : Because.....by ceasing to be a decent human being .....a person of any worth or standing....I have become a beast. Consequently , the human requirement for this crime is clearly missing. And if you consider the ladies as fulfilling the human requirement and me being the beast, then it is they who should be on trial.....and not me
Judge : My God....you're right....case dismissed
Thursday, 15 January 2015
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH MIGHT TICKLE YOUR FANCY.....
( Research by Pun )
( Research by Pun )
- Why's Your Partner Always Rushing Off To The Loo ?.............Kent E. Waite
- I'm So Sorry But I Can't Play Bridge Tonight............................Ivan Ed Hake
- Certain Aspect Of Bridge Completely Baffle Me.......................Janice Saiquar
- I Think Bridge Is On Its Way Back..........................................Renee Sance
- Make A Mistake Partner And Pay The Price.............................Tanya Hyde
- Make Another Mistake And Guess What Happens...................Tanya Hydigan
- I Lost Out On A Trophy In The Worst Possible Way...................T.D. Rouling
- As Gay Bridge Players Go He's One To Watch Out For...........Dick Fondler
- Let Me Tell You My Partner Is Utterly Clueless.........................M.T. Hedded
- Partner I Always Get Nervous Playing Against These Two.......Denise R. Nockin
- After Twenty Long Years I've Finally Won A Duplicate..............Phil Len Goode
- Partner , Just For Once Play The Cards Quickly......................Ann May Kaleed
Monday, 12 January 2015
Sunday, 11 January 2015
IN DEFENCE OF SATIRE........
As a blog writer and wannabe satirist , I feel obliged to come up with a particular take on the unpleasant aspects of life in the world of bridge , which continue to corrupt this beautiful beautiful game loved and cherished by so many of us.
Writing spoof articles is for me a real cathartic experience . The process provides me with an outlet for my anger. In fact it is anger which drives me to carry on . Anger which has been fuelled by dishonesty , disrespect , snobbery , elitism , hypocrisy , prejudice, ignorance and injustice.
I regard satire as a non-ranting form of criticism and condemnation. It is a civilised way of mocking either those who deserve to be scorned , or those who have behaved like clowns by making complete fools of themselves. There's is nothing morally wrong with offending people who have offended or harmed others , by their cruel , reckless and unjust acts. Indeed , one effective way to highlight wrongdoings is to ridicule those responsible by means of lampoonery , ridicule and politically incorrect cartoons. Satire is without doubt the art of getting people to see the truth by means of comic exaggeration and hyperbole.
In practice I am exercising my right to free speech . If I get people to think about things the way I think , then perhaps I can get them to see that so much of the dark reality , lurking inside the world of bridge , tragically belongs in the theatre of the absurd. In time I hope that bridge players will view my blog not as insane drivel or vindictive ( even toxic ) material , but as a testament to the truth about the Human Condition : the tragic limitations , shortcomings and failings of the human species of which , regretfully , I am also a member.
Satire is therefore a genuine and well-meaning attempt to make the pills of hard bitter truths easier to swallow and digest.
As a blog writer and wannabe satirist , I feel obliged to come up with a particular take on the unpleasant aspects of life in the world of bridge , which continue to corrupt this beautiful beautiful game loved and cherished by so many of us.
Writing spoof articles is for me a real cathartic experience . The process provides me with an outlet for my anger. In fact it is anger which drives me to carry on . Anger which has been fuelled by dishonesty , disrespect , snobbery , elitism , hypocrisy , prejudice, ignorance and injustice.
I regard satire as a non-ranting form of criticism and condemnation. It is a civilised way of mocking either those who deserve to be scorned , or those who have behaved like clowns by making complete fools of themselves. There's is nothing morally wrong with offending people who have offended or harmed others , by their cruel , reckless and unjust acts. Indeed , one effective way to highlight wrongdoings is to ridicule those responsible by means of lampoonery , ridicule and politically incorrect cartoons. Satire is without doubt the art of getting people to see the truth by means of comic exaggeration and hyperbole.
In practice I am exercising my right to free speech . If I get people to think about things the way I think , then perhaps I can get them to see that so much of the dark reality , lurking inside the world of bridge , tragically belongs in the theatre of the absurd. In time I hope that bridge players will view my blog not as insane drivel or vindictive ( even toxic ) material , but as a testament to the truth about the Human Condition : the tragic limitations , shortcomings and failings of the human species of which , regretfully , I am also a member.
Satire is therefore a genuine and well-meaning attempt to make the pills of hard bitter truths easier to swallow and digest.
Saturday, 10 January 2015
Friday, 9 January 2015
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : 80% OF MALE BRIDGE PLAYERS ARE SHAMELESS SEXIST TOSSERS
In a recent survey the majority of male bridge players revealed themselves to either mean and nasty racists, or vain , self-absorbed sexists. Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found over three quarters of male players were prejudiced on issues of class , race and gender.
This made very difficult for lady players to get on with them in the boiler room atmosphere of a highly competitive bridge arena. The head of the research team ,Tanya Hydigan, said " playing with or against men is a very difficult situation to handle. They either want to show off or blow off. Indeed , their complete lack of social awareness beggars belief. I genuinely believe that men are well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , completely unaware of the social norms , etiquette, manners and protocol that women believe are so important in life.
May be it is not their fault but rather they are the hapless victims of nature's cruel tricks , which have certainly inflicted upon them unpleasant obsessive compulsive disorders and introverted personalities. Bridge is a world where they can mix with the opposite sex , but have nothing to do with them. Male bridge players only have one objective in mind , and that is to win at all costs. "
However , the survey's findings did not go down at all well with a rather irate Bigot-Johnson. In fact he was incensed. " No way do I believe any of this drivel. As an intelligent man , who craves for challenge and excitement , I'm torn between my instinctive passion for bridge, and my overwhelming desire to do the things that please me most All this of course without interfering women saying otherwise. To say I'm a sexist , male chauvinistic pig , is an outrage. I can't help it if I only love bridge. And yes I have been known to take a few minutes out here and there to enjoy a bit sex, but thankfully all that takes place when bridge clubs are closed up for the night.
What one must recognise is that bridge is both a civilised and ritualised form of non-physical combat ( although I must admit to giving inept lady partners a right good shaking every now and again ) . Moreover , bridge is all about participating in a psychological and intellectual battle against all manner of opponents. One makes no exception if the opponents happen to be women. For me the game is about establishing my superiority over women , which of course I do with effortless and ruthless regularity. "
In a recent survey the majority of male bridge players revealed themselves to either mean and nasty racists, or vain , self-absorbed sexists. Researchers at the Institute of Pointless Studies found over three quarters of male players were prejudiced on issues of class , race and gender.
This made very difficult for lady players to get on with them in the boiler room atmosphere of a highly competitive bridge arena. The head of the research team ,Tanya Hydigan, said " playing with or against men is a very difficult situation to handle. They either want to show off or blow off. Indeed , their complete lack of social awareness beggars belief. I genuinely believe that men are well over to the right on the autistic spectrum , completely unaware of the social norms , etiquette, manners and protocol that women believe are so important in life.
May be it is not their fault but rather they are the hapless victims of nature's cruel tricks , which have certainly inflicted upon them unpleasant obsessive compulsive disorders and introverted personalities. Bridge is a world where they can mix with the opposite sex , but have nothing to do with them. Male bridge players only have one objective in mind , and that is to win at all costs. "
However , the survey's findings did not go down at all well with a rather irate Bigot-Johnson. In fact he was incensed. " No way do I believe any of this drivel. As an intelligent man , who craves for challenge and excitement , I'm torn between my instinctive passion for bridge, and my overwhelming desire to do the things that please me most All this of course without interfering women saying otherwise. To say I'm a sexist , male chauvinistic pig , is an outrage. I can't help it if I only love bridge. And yes I have been known to take a few minutes out here and there to enjoy a bit sex, but thankfully all that takes place when bridge clubs are closed up for the night.
What one must recognise is that bridge is both a civilised and ritualised form of non-physical combat ( although I must admit to giving inept lady partners a right good shaking every now and again ) . Moreover , bridge is all about participating in a psychological and intellectual battle against all manner of opponents. One makes no exception if the opponents happen to be women. For me the game is about establishing my superiority over women , which of course I do with effortless and ruthless regularity. "
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Saturday, 3 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : SHORT BRIDGE PLAYERS REALLY ARE INFERIOR SAYS A RECENT SURVEY REPORT
In a startling and devastating report , commissioned by The Institute Of Pointless Studies , bridge players of restricted height were shocked to learn their taller counterparts possessed superior skills to them , in every aspect of the game.
The report , entitled " It helps to be tall " clearly established beyond all reasonable doubt , that men were definitely superior to women , and that taller players outplayed and outranked their smaller partners and/or opponents. Part of the explanation stems from the psychological stigma which short players experience : the shameful embarrassment of having to sit on chairs stacked high with cushions.
Bigot-Johnson , the six foot two chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club, claims his height has helped him immensely to become a successful player. He emphatically agreed that every one of the report's negative assumptions about short players turned out to be true.
" I have noticed that all my height-deprived partners are short in so many other ways : short-sighted , short on ideas , short of breath , short on patience , and short of common sense. In short , they are useless. Being tall certainly enables me to undertake information gathering techniques my stunted partners can't : the ability to look over the shoulders of players sitting on nearby tables , and to lean sideways in a casual unnoticeable manner so as to obtain a better view of things. "
The report goes on to suggest that short players should be restricted from attending top grade events , if only to avoid the problem of tall players tripping up over them when rushing to the bar.
Yet the most shocking finding was that for every inch a player is under the 5 foot eight benchmark , he or she loses another 10% in terms of talent and ability. Conversely , for every inch over this figure players can add another 10% to their ability quotient. So the reality turns out to be a simple one : if you want to achieve a higher position in the final placings , you must find yourself a tall partner and pray that you meet a succession of dwarfs and short-arsed opponents.
In a startling and devastating report , commissioned by The Institute Of Pointless Studies , bridge players of restricted height were shocked to learn their taller counterparts possessed superior skills to them , in every aspect of the game.
The report , entitled " It helps to be tall " clearly established beyond all reasonable doubt , that men were definitely superior to women , and that taller players outplayed and outranked their smaller partners and/or opponents. Part of the explanation stems from the psychological stigma which short players experience : the shameful embarrassment of having to sit on chairs stacked high with cushions.
Bigot-Johnson , the six foot two chairman of the infamous Slaughter House Bridge Club, claims his height has helped him immensely to become a successful player. He emphatically agreed that every one of the report's negative assumptions about short players turned out to be true.
" I have noticed that all my height-deprived partners are short in so many other ways : short-sighted , short on ideas , short of breath , short on patience , and short of common sense. In short , they are useless. Being tall certainly enables me to undertake information gathering techniques my stunted partners can't : the ability to look over the shoulders of players sitting on nearby tables , and to lean sideways in a casual unnoticeable manner so as to obtain a better view of things. "
The report goes on to suggest that short players should be restricted from attending top grade events , if only to avoid the problem of tall players tripping up over them when rushing to the bar.
Yet the most shocking finding was that for every inch a player is under the 5 foot eight benchmark , he or she loses another 10% in terms of talent and ability. Conversely , for every inch over this figure players can add another 10% to their ability quotient. So the reality turns out to be a simple one : if you want to achieve a higher position in the final placings , you must find yourself a tall partner and pray that you meet a succession of dwarfs and short-arsed opponents.
Friday, 2 January 2015
NEWSFLASH : SOARING MEMBERSHIP NUMBERS AT SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC COMES DOWN TO THE FACT PLAYERS CAN SMOKE WEED WHILE THEY PLAY
The Slaughter House is now the most popular bridge club in the whole of the UK , simply because cannabis smoking has been encouraged and endorsed by Bigot-Johnson and his cronies on the committee.
Following a survey by the Doncaster Gazette , the club was described as a financial success, over-flowing with liquid assets : a little pot of gold in fact. Its Amsterdam-like tolerance to marijuana has brought bridge a much needed and revived popularity , with membership applications out-stripping available seats. However, despite the club's huge success , news of it has yet to appear in the EBU's website , newsletters and monthly magazines.
Mustapha Drag , who recently moved to the area from Pakistan , said " I first came to the club to learn the game in order to be in a position to attend private bridge parties with my rotary club friends. Not surprisingly I couldn't help but notice the rich aromatic smell that drifted through the building. From that moment on I was hooked onto duplicate bridge. Although the committee members and TDs did a lot of stalking around , they clearly didn't give a toss.Since then I , like so many others, turn up to play bridge every night of the week. The bidding of course is hellishly random , and the play of the cards is all over the place. But no one cares about the damn scores , except for the one which is being lit up next.
The whole bridge experience is mind-blowingly beautiful. There's never any altercations or temper tantrums , with everyone deliriously happy and full of joy. Whenever I look my cute-arsed female partner I see her beam with delight."
The Gazette reporter himself found the atmosphere totally intoxicating and blissful. So even though there was a huge mix of people of different ages , race and class , the only segregation he noticed was based on perceived levels of psychosis affecting the members. This phenomenon has now provided local university students with valuable research material for their essays on the " The short and long term consequences of excessive smoking and/or exposure to skunk ".
On a final note , when the chairman Bigot-Johnson was asked if he could accommodate more members , he admitted with deep regret that he was " completely spaced out ".
The Slaughter House is now the most popular bridge club in the whole of the UK , simply because cannabis smoking has been encouraged and endorsed by Bigot-Johnson and his cronies on the committee.
Following a survey by the Doncaster Gazette , the club was described as a financial success, over-flowing with liquid assets : a little pot of gold in fact. Its Amsterdam-like tolerance to marijuana has brought bridge a much needed and revived popularity , with membership applications out-stripping available seats. However, despite the club's huge success , news of it has yet to appear in the EBU's website , newsletters and monthly magazines.
Mustapha Drag , who recently moved to the area from Pakistan , said " I first came to the club to learn the game in order to be in a position to attend private bridge parties with my rotary club friends. Not surprisingly I couldn't help but notice the rich aromatic smell that drifted through the building. From that moment on I was hooked onto duplicate bridge. Although the committee members and TDs did a lot of stalking around , they clearly didn't give a toss.Since then I , like so many others, turn up to play bridge every night of the week. The bidding of course is hellishly random , and the play of the cards is all over the place. But no one cares about the damn scores , except for the one which is being lit up next.
The whole bridge experience is mind-blowingly beautiful. There's never any altercations or temper tantrums , with everyone deliriously happy and full of joy. Whenever I look my cute-arsed female partner I see her beam with delight."
The Gazette reporter himself found the atmosphere totally intoxicating and blissful. So even though there was a huge mix of people of different ages , race and class , the only segregation he noticed was based on perceived levels of psychosis affecting the members. This phenomenon has now provided local university students with valuable research material for their essays on the " The short and long term consequences of excessive smoking and/or exposure to skunk ".
On a final note , when the chairman Bigot-Johnson was asked if he could accommodate more members , he admitted with deep regret that he was " completely spaced out ".
Thursday, 1 January 2015
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)