ESSENTIAL BRIDGE BOOK READING FROM DOWN UNDER.......( As recommended To Pun by his Aussie friend Scott )

• Polish Up Your Declarer Play...........................Lynn C. Doyle
• Bigot Johnson: The Best Bridge Player Ever.......Poppy Cox
• Amusing Bridge Stories...................................Beryl O'Laffs
• Putting The Wind Up Your Opponents..............Gail Force
• What Matters To Me Is Winning........................Helen Hywater
• The Great Bridge Matches Of The 1930's...........Hal C. N. Daze
• Name A Game That's Better Than Bridge?.........Dom N. Knows
• What To Take On A Bridge Holiday...................Kit Ann Caboodle
• What To Get Up To On A Bridge Holiday...........Hank E. Panky
• Spice Up Your Game..................Rosemary Fennel & Marge Oram

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........................................................

• Dear Rebecca, The other day I was completely undone by a psyche ! Not surprisingly, my partner and I missed our best contract and recorded a bottom. Surely, this sort of bid is not right, and should be banned? Yours, looking for sympathy Henry Hubble.
• Dear H, Psyches as you well know are a legitimate part of the game, alongside many other useful but deceptive ploys. Good players need to develop that art of deception if they seek to gain an edge on their rivals. As for me I think that most psyche bids are easy to spot. Believe in the cards you see in front of you and, of course, your partner's bids. If you want to play bridge in the big pool, then expect to meet to a few sharks. So either wise up on your game, or go looking for ponds where only the little minnows swim. Yours unsympathetically Rood.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............AND BACK TO THOSE TERRIBLE AFFLICTIONS Yes, folks, I've been busy again rooting through my old medical records to unearth even more startling afflictions, which seem only to affect bridge players. So brace yourself before you read on.....in case you recognise ownership of such symptoms, thereby compelling you to seek out your nearest psycho-analyst for urgently needed help.

• DYSFUNCTIONAL TIME AWARENESS SYNDROME: This condition has been linked to those poor unfortunate players who have a rare and unusual brain abnormality. Often, and wrongly, diagnosed as slow thinkers, most sufferers of this syndrome have been found to have a malfunctioning section of the brain, which is used to register and record the passage of time. As a result, the minutes that elapse ........each time the sufferer ponders over what bid to make, or which card to play.......will only be perceived by him/her as seconds. In some cases, it has been shown that the longer the time- intervals involved, the perception for them is that the intervals are much much shorter. Nothing seems to prompt sufferers to play in tempo, not even the loud snoring sounds emanating from the other players at the table. Imposing fines and penalties have failed to provide an effective remedy. However, some psycho-analysts believe that the decriminalisation and use of the banned drug called "speed" could offer some hope of a cure.
• ANALYTICOCOMPLEXITUSADINFINITUM: This affliction still carries its latin name from when it was first diagnosed in roman times. What medical practioners had noticed was that senate leaders would endlessly debate all the possible permutations and outcomes of their war games. However in bridge circles, sufferers are often found huddled together discussing hands for several hours, debating and arguing the pros and cons of alternative bidding sequences, layouts, defence, and declarer plays. Individuals' mistakes are examined rigorously, and opinions offered by others are ruthlessly scrutinised and challenged. Those blighted with this affliction can continue the discussions weeks....even months.....later, if nothing was resolved first time around. Sufferers are easily recognised by their repetitive use of the following words:
• but............assuming.......alternatively.......... better to ..... there again ....... give partner the ...............however .............that depends entirely on ...........providing that.....if.... .....what if.............to name but a few.

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE MEETING No.47............................. It had been observed that a certain bridge club member had perpetrated the infamous Alcatraz Coup upon another member, who was renown for his unethical hesitations. These were solely designed to misguide declarers into thinking they possessed an honour card when the opposite was true. Bigot-Johnson was the man in the dock, adamantly believing he had a right to do exactly what he did. An extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below:

• B-J: " You've got the wrong man...you should be after that other cheating dog.....why pick on me?"
• Com: " Correct us if we are wrong, but are these the facts of the case. You were in 6S with one certain loser in clubs. To make this contract you needed to find the diamond queen with A987 in dummy opposite your KJ106. Aware of your LHO's track record for questionable hesitations, you volunteered the jack of spades towards dummy's K876 like a man who was missing the queen. This cunning and careful play seduced your LHO to get up to his old tricks. With the bait set....he responded in his usual way.....fumbling the cards as though he held the queen. And so you, sitting with this card all the time, now had a read on his "tell". So after pulling trumps, you then ran the jack of diamonds, and surreptitiously observed his behaviour. Not surprisingly on this occasions, your LHO..... who did indeed hold the queen.....smoothly played a low card in tempo. Accordingly, you took the finesse which worked, clearly based on your LHO's new demeanor....being of course the inverted tell. With the slam duly making, you then decided to pour salt into his wounds by going on on about your wonderful intuition and table presence."
• B-J: " Yes, those are the facts.......but surely, I cannot be crimed for exposing an unethical behaviour at the bridge table.....and for just having acute observational skills? "
• Com: " His unethical behaviour provides no excuse for yours. You set out to trap a victim into revealing a tell, and that in itself is another example of unethical behaviour. It is the equivalent of leaving money around in order to tempt someone into committing theft. Two wrongs do not make a right....and you Bigot-Johnson were the instigator and perpetrator of this whole shameful incident. The proper procedure for you was to call the TD regarding your opponent's attempted deceit.....not to exploit it. The Alcatraz Coup has no place whatsoever within this bridge club. And because of your appalling disciplinary record we have decided to suspend you for a period of 2 weeks. Anything you wish to say other than...bugger ?"
• B-J: "I guess not...............other than bollocks."

EVEN MORE RARE BRIDGE BOOKS TURN UP AT AUCTION.................( As seen by Pun )

• Bad Boys Of Bridge.........................Rene Gades
• Pardon Me, Partner..........................Grant Head
• Bridge Is Music To My Ears..............Amanda Lynn & R. Monniker
• I've Just Played 64 Boards !..............Gladys Over
• My First Congress Success.............Hal E. Luya
• My Thoughts On Bigot-Johnson........Wayne Kerr
• Bridge Table Antics..........................Bea Gorra
• DIY Bridge Lessons.........................Andy Mann

JOHNNY SUPREMO STEPS UP TO THE PLATE............................................

• The other day I was involved in a knockout teams event and the opposition were taking us to the wire. On the penultimate board my partner and I bid up to a small slam in spades on our combined 19 count.
• Partner held:...........................A108x....... AQJxxx....xx......x
• Opposite my:.........................KJ9xxxx.........x............x......Axxx
• The opening lead was the 7 of hearts. My initial plan was to take the two outside Aces, ruff three clubs, and then harvest 7 spades....using the Ace and the King later on to pull the two outstanding trumps. But that meant ruffing hearts to get back into my own hand to lead clubs. The heart lead made me deeply suspicious. What if my RHO is short in hearts and has both the outstanding trumps? Yet if I take two rounds of trumps early, might this restrict my ability to ruff three clubs?
• Then in a flash, the solution came to me. The correct and best line, which guarantees the contract whatever the lay of the cards, simply involves taking trick one with the Ace of hearts.......followed immediately by two rounds of trumps ending in dummy. At trick four all I needed to do I was play the queen of hearts and discard my diamond, irrespective of who came in with the King. Now, I could ruff two losing clubs with dummy's two remaining trumps, pitching my third losing club on the established jack of hearts. Slam made.

The match was won......and logical thinking had triumphed again.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............................................... The other day I was browsing through some old case notes, when I came across a disorder which seems to affect certain members within my club on a seemingly random basis. I recall at the time not being able to put a label on this disorder.............but then the penny dropped. It was all too obvious....these people suffered from IRRITABLE HOWELL SYNDROME. This only affects players who have serious problems with movements, and who would prefer to remain seated throughout the whole session. When they are not in a position to qualify for a sitting seat on medical grounds, they tend to plead with their first round opponents not to be the moving pair......usually with a degree of success. However, if they lose the cut and are compelled to move, the victims irritation soon becomes apparent ,but is usually manageable and kept under control. But what causes them to really lose control is when they hear the TD announcing an Howell movement. Because this automatically forces nearly every pair in the room to move, and the chances of anyone getting a sitting seat become very remote indeed. It is in these circumstances that the syndrome really locks in. Victims are then seen moving from table to table, moaning and groaning as they do so. This intensifies as the session wears on. Inevitably, their outbursts become more vociferous and louder when stairs are involved. Sadly, nothing can be done for these cantankerous sufferers. Hypnosis, which attempted to promote the idea that exercise might be good for them, was one of many therapies tried....but without any success whatsoever.

LOST TREASURES RE-SURFACE AS RARE BRIDGE BOOKS TURN UP AT AUCTION ............... ( Spotted of course by Pun )

• Bridge Out In The Open..........................Al Fresco
• Picking Up Those Signals.......................Ray Darman
• The Secret To Sweet Success................Sherry Trifle
• Pot Hunting...........................................Terry Cotter
• USA Inter-state Teams Final 2009...........Mary Land & Ken Tucky
• Spring Congress Pairs...........................April May Tyme
• Getting Away With Murder.....................Scott Free
• What Became Of Bigot-Johnson ?..........Evan Knowes & Hugh Kerrs
• You're Over-reacting Partner...................Mel O'Drama
• Don't Let Bad Scores Get You Down.......Maud Lynn

JOHNNY SUPREMO AT YOUR SERVICE.............................................................

• I just want to report on a hand where many players failed to make the small slam in hearts......but I wasn't one of them.
• Dummy had come down with:....................... K10.......Kx..........AJxx......Qxxxx
• opposite my:..................................................AQ.....AQJ109x.....Kx........Axx
• Eleven tricks were on top, and if the diamond finesse worked......one losing club could be easily jettisoned. Alternatively, if the diamond queen was offside-to-three, the third round of diamonds could then be ducked with one small club thrown away, leaving the established jack of diamonds to deal with the other losing club.
• If either of these options have been attempted it was doom and gloom all round. So what line did I take? One consideration was to play a low club from both hands first. This caters for either a stiff king, or a king doubleton in either hand. And if, after playing the Ace of clubs next, the king still hasn't appeared, then it's time to fall back on the diamond finesse. But I wasn't happy with this, despite the fact that a defender on my left would have to be helluva brave person not to play king from Kxx......in the belief that I had planned to play low.
• I felt it was technically correct to try the clubs first, by leading low up to the queen. If the club king was on my left, then all my problems were over, whether it is played or not. If however, the queen loses (to the king on my right), then again it's back again to the diamond finesse. This line of play gave me about 75% chance of making.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY..................................................................

• void: what many players seem to have between their ears
• unbalanced: (adjective) to describe a player who is completely "off his head"
• loser: a term applied to both a card or a player destined never to win
• discard: lobbing away a card in another suit. The term originated in 1793 when during a game of rubber bridge, a rather loud German was heard to say " Vot to throw away....dis card....or dat card? "
• improper call: an inappropriate remark made at the bridge table such as: "cocked that up"....."I don't think I should have come tonight, partner"......."There's nothing wrong with the odd bottom now and then."
• attitude signal: a clear warning one player might give to his partner, which clearly states that any mistakes on his/her part will give rise to the most severe reprisals.

BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMMITTEE HEARING No.43...... It came as no surprise to the panel to see the disgruntled Bigot-Johnson storm into the committee room. This particular hearing had been urgently convened, following the deluge of complaint letters being sent in about his recent article in the club's newsletter. Somehow this had slipped through the censorship net and vetting procedures that had only been put in place, to guard against this type of material. This was in response to an utterly outrageous article of his months earlier. The latest complaints centred on his claims that the club membership was full of "oldies.......who were well past it" .....and in most cases "over the hill". This is a short extract from the transcript of the hearing.

• B-J: " Well, what is it this time......to be dragged in here like this....when I could be playing golf ..."
• Com: " You know very well why you've been called in. We've already told you about the letters of complaint we have received....and we now want some answers."
• B-J: " So be it... well, first off, I would like to say that you lot must also be over the hill....if you can't see what's going on around you."
• Com: " Now, enough of that.........We need to know on what grounds you are able to come out with such ludicrous statements about the members ? "
• B-J: " I pride myself on astute observation, logical and clinical analysis of the facts, being able to draw correct conclusions based on the weight of evidence and the balance of statistical probabilities. Let me explain.....Over the past three months I've witnessed numerous incidents which stack up as irrefutable evidence to support my views. For instance, only yesterday I came across a player who brought with him a custom made abucus, which had 13 beads on each row...... to aid him with his counting. Oh yes, then theres was a LOL who opened a pre-emptive 3 spades on her 7-3-3-0 distribution, only to then realise that 3 of the diggers were actually blackberries. To top that, a few weeks ago when the bell went, two members actually got up from their tables to line up outside for the school morning assembly. You want more examples.....? Well, the best one involved a member who .....on hearing his partner say "wow, you're really on fire, tonight".....rushed to the toilet to douse himself with cold water. But the ultimate has to be another LOL who , after playing a spade on the first round of clubs, called the TD over alleging that the other three were all guilty of having revoked.........The list is endless."
• Com: " Yes...yes...we get your drift....but now it's time you got ours. Members of this club do not come here to be offended. Their momentary aberrations are not to criticised....they are to be excused. Members expect their feelings to be respected. They don't expect to be hurt by cruel, vitriolic, gross exagerrations and distortions of the facts. There is no justification or need to make pointless and unnecessary remarks just for your amusement, and that of others who might share your particular prejudices and jaundiced views. There are things that are better left unsaid. So on that note, we have decided to issue you with a ban. You are forbidden to voice any controversial or confrontational views on issues, which might cause alarm or concern to other members. You are to keep your conversation extremely civil, polite and friendly at all times....or else ,we will have no other option but to terminate your membership from this club. Do you have anything to say...?
• B-J: " Bugger......"

JOHNNY SUPREMO SPOTS THE DANGER.......................................

• Is it me being brilliant......or others just being plain stupid. There I was the other night routinely making a standard four hearts tick, only to see the scoresheet littered with 4H -1 all over the place. What is up with these people ? Dummy had come down with what I had hoped for: a very useful:......Kxx .......98xx.........KJxxx.....x..................opposite my tasty..........AJ109....QJ10x.....AQxx.......x
• MY LHO had entered the bidding with a vulnerable 2 club overcall, supported by his partner on the basis of shape. His opening lead of all cards was the queen of spades........straight into the jaws of death ! But was he insane ?......I think not.....It was the great man himself.....Bigot-Johnson .....a player we have come to revere and fear.
• What then was his game plan? He was obviously after a spade ruff, envisaging the play to go as follows. I win the first trick and play a heart, losing say to Bigot's King. Then with the opponents back on lead comes a second spade, which I take in order to play another round of trumps . But now Bigot-Johnson swoops in with the Ace of hearts, ready for the kill. A simple low club switch puts his partner in to lead back a third spade, for him to ruff with his third heart, and defeat the contract. Surely this was the way it must have gone elsewhere in the room?
• So what was my game plan? The answer is at trick two I elected to play a club ! Whoever takes this trick can indeed play back a second spade, but the danger of a ruff is over if Bigot holds the two top hearts. Because now, he is unable to put his partner in for that crucial ruff. Yet another classic example of the scissors coup aimed at cutting the opponents' communications.

LATEST BRIDGE BOOKS TO HIT THE STORES.....................( Research by Pun)

• Playing Too Much Bridge Can Send You Mental........Hugo Craise
• Hogh Voltage Bridge................................................Meg A. Watts
• The Orange Book Explained......................................Clement Tyne
• It's Scary Playing Bigot-Johnson..............................Petra Fyde
• Best Let Me Play The Contracts................................ Ima Hogg
• Why Are All My Cards Full Of Spots?........................Lucy Nating
• Bidding Games On Thin Values.................................Mustapha Punt
• Who The Hell Called Me A "Spade"?.......................... Rachel Slurr
• Team Selection: The Way Forward...........................Cherry Picking
• Suicide Declarer Play...............................................Harry Carry

RECOMMENDED ALBUM TRACKS FOR LATE NIGHT LISTENING AFTER A BAD NIGHT'S BRIDGE........( Courtesy of Pun )

• The Crying Game........................Boy George
• Bridge of Sighs............................Palomar
• Meet Me At The Bottom...........John Lee Hooker with Canned Heat
• Cold As Ice..................................Foreigner
• I'm Losing Tonight.......................A Passing Fancy
• Going Down................................Bruce Springstein
• I'm Down....................................The Beatles
• Slowhand....................................Eric Clapton
• ( I'm ) Guilty Partner...................New Order
• Bridge Over Troubled Waters......Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

CURMUDGEONS ( Part 2 ).........................................................( By Carp ) As I pointed out in part one, a curmudgeon cannot help but vent his spleen at partner, especially when blame can be firmly directed his way. So let's look at a few more carefully worded statements that skillfully mix sarcasm with despair.

• " what's wrong with bidding ........ first ? "
• " it's the wrong sort of hand to make that bid "
• " some overcall.... "
• " with a hand like that pass was the only sane bid "
• " this is what comes from a deviation "
• " did notrumps ever occur to you as a bid ? "
• " bid up partner "
• " not what you promised partner "
• " not what I expected "
• " this contract would have played better from your side "
• " what have you done to me ? "
• " why didn't you put me back into my suit ? "
• " why put me back into my suit ? "

However, not all curmudgeons are result merchants, destined to be dissatisfied with boards that fail to score 100%. The focus for this group is to embark upon a quest to achieve the ultimate level in bidding precision and perfection. For instance, if the curmudgeon here crimes you for not reaching slam, only to discover that every other pair that bid it, then failed to make 12 tricks.....as a result of a wicked trump break...... he is not bothered a jot about the fortuitous top. Why? Well, the fact remains the slam bid was mandatory with that type of hand.....and therefore, partner's negative and defeatist approach to bidding needs to be chastised. It will will pointed out, no doubt with a big dollop of sarcasm, that timid bidding generates far more bottoms than tops. Nevertheless, one must never be put off by playing with a curmudgeon, because most are good players who are keen to improve their partner's game. In any sport or competitive game, coaches are always looking to raise the bar, no matter how good the player's current level of performance. I just wish that curmudgeons partnering me could balance their destructive comments with a few positive ones of praise and encouragement............ where they are clearly warranted.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...........................................................

• shape : something you once had before you took up bridge
• bottom: part of your partner's anatomy which you often kick when he is responsible for a zero score
• control : players tend to lose this, when results start going from bad to worse
• card : a player who sees himself as a joker, looking to play tricks....but never capable of making any
• negative response : what a frisky player gets when his bold and amorous bid is rejected out of hand
• ditch : usually associated with an unwanted card, but it applies more to an unwanted partner and where best to dump his body
• losing trick count : an estimate made during an auction of what tricks you think might be lost, but if as declarer you end up losing more ....and it was partner's bids that were in error ...let him know it's time for him to do his losing teeth count
• relay bid : one that passes the buck ( or is it baton? ) onto the other player to actually bid a proper suit

CURMEDGEONS:Part 1............( Article by Carp) Bridge players by and large are a rum lot of individuals, often developing into a rare breed of curmudgeons. They are hard to please, never completely satisfied with their (or partner's) performance, too quick to criticise, and prone to periodic bouts of despair and depression at the table. Sounds familiar...doesn't it? Indeed, curmudgeons are renown for never being pleased when dummy's hand goes down. On the one hand it may be too good....and the painful realisation of a missed game or slam sets in. But then, on the other hand, it is usually lacking in some respect.....be it points, shape or trump holding. At the table the curmudgeon will always offer a courteous "thank you", but underneath the veneer of gratitude there lurks gross disapproval and content. However "restraint" is not a word in the curmudgeon's vocabulary, and all too often sarcastic one-liners emerge from their mouths. So let's look at a few of the classic comments that poor unfortunate dummies have had to put up with over the years:

• " that's the worst 23 points I've ever seen "
• " not much help there partner "
• " I've seen better "
• " so much for your bidding "
• " all your points are in the wrong places "
• " you supported me on that garbage "
• " you cannot pass on that......"
• " if I'm not mistaken, you did bid a.....? "
• " what sort of a raise was that ? "
• " must you open on rubbish ? "
• " I can only see..........points, partner "
• " you're off your head "
• " you forgot the system....didn't you ? "
• " why not double them instead ? "
• " lurking again ? "

So partnering a curmudgeon partner is no joy ride. In part 2, published tomorrow, we shall look at more of these cutting jibes and classic put-downs...... which will firmly fix in your mind that whatever you bid at the table, you are destined never to get it right.

DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER SPEAKING: EVEN MORE BRIDGE TABLE ANTICS TO REPORT.....................

• Well, there I was at the club the other night, with Bigot Johnson of all people stepping in as my partner. What a nightmare. Nevertheless, two of his histrionic outbursts,........I did have some sympathy for .....given the nature of the opponents' quite outrageous bridge table antics .
• One particular shenanigan involved my right-hand opponent (RHO) who, after two passes, made a super light opening bid of one diamond in 3rd position. Bigot-Johnson overcalled one heart, and now my LHO stepped in with one spade. I passed this bid having modest values and a 3-2-5-3 shape. Now came the "fast pass", given that my RHO's pass card hit the table nano-seconds after mine. Well, I ask you.....the speed of this call surely carried one message only......and that was the obvious "I don't want us to compete anymore partner.....not red against green". Bigot went ballistic, screaming : "can't you buggers bid in tempo?" However, the TD failed to see my partner's point of view, and with the LHO opponent finding a nice safe diamond lead at trick one, we were condemned to a below average board.
• The second incident that got to Bigot-Johnson was towards the end of the session....but by then I was a mental wreck....... and two rather fat LOLs came to our table. My partner opened one notrump to which I responded two clubs, alerted as a stayman enquiry. My LHO then asked Bigot-Johnson....a fatal mistake....as to what the bid said about my hand: " Does it promise both majors or one........or perhaps none?" Viewing her with both suspicion and loathing, he eventually grunted out a reply: " Non-promissory". Then, after we settled for game in 3 notrumps.... low and behold.... my RHO makes an opening lead from her small doubleton heart. Despite partner having the Ace in this suit, it was my LHO who eventually cashed out four heart winners, alongwith her outside Ace. One off was a bottom for us, and Bigot completely freaked out. He loudly appealed to God to bring forward the day, when decent, upright citizens like himself could take the law into their own hands and bring back "lynchings" and "floggings". When the rant was over, with the TD now in attendance , both these slippery eels denied any wrongdoing....and the score was allowed to stand. At this point, Bigot stood up to make his final parting shot. Staring directly at them he bellowed out: "these two have given the acronym LOL a whole new meaning....namely... LUMPS OF LARD". For first time I was in complete agreement with him.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT EVEN BIGOT-JOHNSON CONDEMNED AS RUBBISH....( By Pun )

• Bridge Is For Sad Old Gits................................Josh Kidding
• Love Across The Bridge table............................Bill N. Coo
• Is Bridge Going To The Dogs?...........................Jack Russell
• Getting Your Own Back....................................Eve N. Stevens
• Going Nuts Over Bridge....................................Al Monz
• Players' Most Irritating Habits...........................Constance Cratching
• Making Up To Partner......................................Sarah Nade
• What....Call Me A Cheat?................................Lee Vitout
• Officious TDs..................................................Des Potts
• Squeeze Your Opponents................................Tilly T. Hertz

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................................................................................... ( The letter below has been redrafted in order not to offend the sensitivities of delicate law abiding readers.)

• Dear Rebecca, Several members at my club have sent in letters of complaint about my alleged rudeness and offensive behaviour at the tables. Well, being a rough diamond I suppose, I was brought up to call a spade a spade, and to tell people straight what was on my mind. I'm not one who suffers fools gladly ....and this club of mine believe you me is full to the rafters with such people! It's not in my nature to sweep things under the carpet, to overlook burning issues, to turn a blind eye and avoid confrontation. What am I to do when faced with stupidity, petty mindedness, and bridge-table gaffes, that would make any sane man pull out his hair in sheer frustration. Am I to smile.....or hand over bunch of roses?
• And what if I encounter dopey, hesitant, revoking and revolting opponents? Do I just sit there like a pudding and allow their misdemeanours to go unchallenged? I think not. So what advice could you give me now that the club committee is currently reviewing 356 totally unwarranted letters of complaint besmearing my good name.Yours totally misunderstood......Howard Bigot-Johnson
• Dear Bigot, Not only are you barking up the wrong tree, I would say you are barking mad. It sems to me you're damn lucky to still be a member of your club. One complaint is one too many. Two is pushing your luck. But 356 can only mean three things..........you are a hypocrite...........a fool........and a thoroughly unpleasant person. ( Incidentally, I've written my own letter of complaint to your club committee ...numbered 357 .....because of the huge number of defamatory remarks and vulgar expletives I found in your correspondence. )
• It is imperative that you recognise that most club members are victims of countless psychological disorders and afflictions..............and you are no exception. As you well know, a close friend and associate of mine, Dr. John, is writing extensively on this very subject. So just accept the reality of this prevailing state of affairs: in bridge clubs abnormal behaviour is the norm. If you cannot tolerate others without exposing your own disorders, then I suggest you carry with you at all times a muffle cushion. Now... you can bury your face in it, whenever the urge to shout and scream becomes overwhelming. By being able to stiffle and silence yourself in this way, no one at all will be able to hear you.......whilst you, of course, will be able to release all that pent-up anger and frustration. Yours Rebecca "don't ever contact me again you obnoxios little man" Rood