DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER SPEAKING: EVEN MORE BRIDGE TABLE ANTICS TO REPORT.....................

• Well, there I was at the club the other night, with Bigot Johnson of all people stepping in as my partner. What a nightmare. Nevertheless, two of his histrionic outbursts,........I did have some sympathy for .....given the nature of the opponents' quite outrageous bridge table antics .
• One particular shenanigan involved my right-hand opponent (RHO) who, after two passes, made a super light opening bid of one diamond in 3rd position. Bigot-Johnson overcalled one heart, and now my LHO stepped in with one spade. I passed this bid having modest values and a 3-2-5-3 shape. Now came the "fast pass", given that my RHO's pass card hit the table nano-seconds after mine. Well, I ask you.....the speed of this call surely carried one message only......and that was the obvious "I don't want us to compete anymore partner.....not red against green". Bigot went ballistic, screaming : "can't you buggers bid in tempo?" However, the TD failed to see my partner's point of view, and with the LHO opponent finding a nice safe diamond lead at trick one, we were condemned to a below average board.
• The second incident that got to Bigot-Johnson was towards the end of the session....but by then I was a mental wreck....... and two rather fat LOLs came to our table. My partner opened one notrump to which I responded two clubs, alerted as a stayman enquiry. My LHO then asked Bigot-Johnson....a fatal mistake....as to what the bid said about my hand: " Does it promise both majors or one........or perhaps none?" Viewing her with both suspicion and loathing, he eventually grunted out a reply: " Non-promissory". Then, after we settled for game in 3 notrumps.... low and behold.... my RHO makes an opening lead from her small doubleton heart. Despite partner having the Ace in this suit, it was my LHO who eventually cashed out four heart winners, alongwith her outside Ace. One off was a bottom for us, and Bigot completely freaked out. He loudly appealed to God to bring forward the day, when decent, upright citizens like himself could take the law into their own hands and bring back "lynchings" and "floggings". When the rant was over, with the TD now in attendance , both these slippery eels denied any wrongdoing....and the score was allowed to stand. At this point, Bigot stood up to make his final parting shot. Staring directly at them he bellowed out: "these two have given the acronym LOL a whole new meaning....namely... LUMPS OF LARD". For first time I was in complete agreement with him.