DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES....................................................................................

• The other day when I was clearing out a few old files, I came across the medical records of my very first patient from the bridge playing fraternity. This rather obnoxious character.....I really did struggle to display any shred of professional empathy..........came to me with a quite unnerving personality disorder. Hard as I tried I was completely unable to help this man, who was displaying acute symptoms of the condition known as URIA HEPITITUS.
• This affliction, loosely named after a Shakespearean character, is one which causes far more distress to those looking on.......as opposed to the sufferers themselves. Although it can take the form of "hero worship", it is far more likely to manifest itself as creepy, sycophantic behaviour designed to get into someone's good books ( usually a top class player who has an approachable nature ). The sycophants' objectives may range from making very noticeable social contact, seeking positive recognition through regular association........or better still, gaining the envy of others by achieving the status of being the celebrity's partner. Unfortunately, a severe symptom of this condition is the partial blindness which quickly overtakes all sufferers, resulting in their failure to see the widespread contempt that is building up against them. This of course is in response to their endless gloating and smug posturing. Clubs, which have shown real concern over the nauseous and queasy feelings experienced by distressed onlookers, have quite sensibly left strategically-placed buckets all over their premises. These avoid the necessity for members to make mad dashes to the toilets, whilst at the same time reducing the risk of expensive carpet clean-ups. Confrontation and aversion therapies have, to a limited extent, made some inroads into tackling this unpalatable form of arse-licking behaviour, but the odds of success for a permanent cure have continued to remain very high indeed.