LAW REPORT : WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE TEAM v BIGOT-JOHNSON (2009) This civil action came up before the Sheffield and District County Court judge, the right honourable Sir Leon Stake. The plaintiffs were seeking compensation for being cheated out of a place in the semi-final of the national knock-out teams event. Bigot-Johnson was alleged to be the sole culprit, and not surprisingly he decided to conduct his own defence.

• Counsel (for the plaintiffs) : Your honour, the Walnut Tree Allotment team are seeking substantial damages for the pain and loss of having missed on a little piece of bridge history. This band of agricultural no-hopers were on the verge of something quite remarkable.......the semi-finals of the NIKKO at their first attempt..........
• B-J : Might I interject.......this rag-bag team of muddy-booted, filthy finger-nailed, country yokels.... two of which, I might add, have aussie accents.......are all trying to soil my good name and reputation.
• Counsel : But is it not true that during the match, the plaintiffs were beginning to get a little drunk.......not only from quite a few unexpected triumphs in doubled contracts making.......but also from a potent potato wine they brought with them ?
• B-J : Yes....because half the time they hadn't a clue about the bidding. Sometimes, they bid ludicrous game contracts that went off by 2 or 3 tricks......but then, they bid even more ludicrous game contracts that miraculously came home, through the fortunate lay out of the cards.
• Counsel : Those comments are irrelevant to this case.......for is it not true that you would have lost this match had it not been for the last board, where you perpetrated a distardly act which caught your opponents off guard.
• B-J; No comment .....
• Counsel : I'll refresh your memory.....on board 24 your opponents were clearly under the influence of alcohol. You had bid to 6S with one certain loser in clubs. The opening lead was a heart, and as it turned out the contract depended on you picking up the king of hearts. Unfortunately, with the Ace in dummy you could only finesse it one way....being through your LHO. Before you had time to make a decision, your RHO opponent who could hardly hold his cards by now, suddenly dropped two face-up on the table. These were the king and seven of hearts. In an instant, you knew the heart finesse would fail........unless of course you put this diabolical plan into operation. Although a card from dummy should have been played next ........you, with a total disregard for ethical protocol, immediately played your heart queen from hand ( from the South seat )......which your RHO opponent covered instinctively with his King......only for you to take the trick in dummy with the Ace. You had cleverly changed the rotation of the order in which the cards were to be played. As soon as you took this first trick, you claimed the contract before these two sozzled Aussies had realised what had actually happened.
• B-J ; Hmmm....I was ...perhaps.... guilty of a lapse in concentration ?
• Counsel : No.... it was a desperate, calculated and devious act of skulduggery.....
• Judge: I've heard enough....and I'm shocked and appalled at what depths you Bigot-Johnson are prepared to sink to in the quest for victory. .......So I find for the plaintiffs with damages to be awarded of £2000.
• B-J : Oh...Bugger