DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............AND BACK TO THOSE TERRIBLE AFFLICTIONS Yes, folks, I've been busy again rooting through my old medical records to unearth even more startling afflictions, which seem only to affect bridge players. So brace yourself before you read on.....in case you recognise ownership of such symptoms, thereby compelling you to seek out your nearest psycho-analyst for urgently needed help.

• DYSFUNCTIONAL TIME AWARENESS SYNDROME: This condition has been linked to those poor unfortunate players who have a rare and unusual brain abnormality. Often, and wrongly, diagnosed as slow thinkers, most sufferers of this syndrome have been found to have a malfunctioning section of the brain, which is used to register and record the passage of time. As a result, the minutes that elapse ........each time the sufferer ponders over what bid to make, or which card to play.......will only be perceived by him/her as seconds. In some cases, it has been shown that the longer the time- intervals involved, the perception for them is that the intervals are much much shorter. Nothing seems to prompt sufferers to play in tempo, not even the loud snoring sounds emanating from the other players at the table. Imposing fines and penalties have failed to provide an effective remedy. However, some psycho-analysts believe that the decriminalisation and use of the banned drug called "speed" could offer some hope of a cure.
• ANALYTICOCOMPLEXITUSADINFINITUM: This affliction still carries its latin name from when it was first diagnosed in roman times. What medical practioners had noticed was that senate leaders would endlessly debate all the possible permutations and outcomes of their war games. However in bridge circles, sufferers are often found huddled together discussing hands for several hours, debating and arguing the pros and cons of alternative bidding sequences, layouts, defence, and declarer plays. Individuals' mistakes are examined rigorously, and opinions offered by others are ruthlessly scrutinised and challenged. Those blighted with this affliction can continue the discussions weeks....even months.....later, if nothing was resolved first time around. Sufferers are easily recognised by their repetitive use of the following words:
• but............assuming.......alternatively.......... better to ..... there again ....... give partner the ...............however .............that depends entirely on ...........providing that.....if.... .....what if.............to name but a few.