BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.37 (August 2009) Yet again Bigot-Johnson was called to account: this was deemed necessary after he signed a statement which corroborated the alleged misconduct complained of at the bridge table. This complaint came from Dr. Sigmend T. Schukelgruber, who awaits an apology from the truculent and belligerent Bigot-Johnson. This is a transcript from that hearing.

• "Do you Bigot-Johnson plead guilty to pulling cards out of your hand before it's your turn to play?"
• "Yes, I have submitted a written statement to that effect."
• "And what explanations do you have for this unacceptable behaviour?"
• "Well, being an impetuous and impatient man, I like to crack on with the bidding and play of the cards. But all too often after having seen what card my partner has played, I find myself detaching one from my hand I feel obliged to play...... even before dummy's card has been called for !"
• "Surely, this behaviour.....apart from being highly unethical......doesn't make good bridge sense?"
• "True......but I tend to do this when (a) I can predict what card declarer is going to play from dummy, or (b) I know I have no other meaningful alternative."
• "So what effect do you think your actions might have had on Dr. Schukelgruber's mind.......... with you waiting there.....ready to pounce with your pre-selected card?"
• "Yes, I can now see and appreciate his predicament......possibly.... being compromised, pressured, intimidated, or unnerved by such actions."
• "So have you anything more to say on this matter?"
• "No....but might I be allowed to make a belated apology for this transgression....and for all the others like it. Furthermore, I solemnly swear to make an all out effort to restrain my impetuous urges, reaching for cards .....before........ it's my turn to play."
• "We are all very pleased to hear this. However, despite the fact that you came clean about your misconduct, and have offered an unreserved apology, we cannot ignore the gravity of this complaint. As a result, this committee will publish your name on the club's newly conceived NAME AND SHAME NOTICE BOARD...."
• "Fair enough......so I'm free to go now? I really can't hang around here for any longer."
• "Regretfully, no......it appears you are also down for today's last hearing (case hearing No.40), concerning your ultra-quick passes over opponents' opening one-level suit bids. Dr. Schukelgruber views these as unethical, especially if they can be proved to convey possible unauthorised information to your partners...."
• "Oh, bugger....."