ENGLISH BRIDGE UNION REP MEETS BIGOT-JOHNSON.................( A short extract taken from a recent conversation between an EBU representative and man himself)

• R : " Well, what is your objection to the EBU master point promotions and ranking system?"
• B-J: " I wouldn't for a minute question the fact that those with grandmaster status certainly deserve their star billing as being some of the best players around."
• R: "I'm pleased to hear that."
• B-J: "But regarding promotions to regional masters ......now that is a different matter...... urgently needing review. There are players out there....complete bumbledogs....who struggle to get 40% on a normal duplicate night at their club......who low and behold ...in no time at all.... suddenly start poncing around with smug smiles and inflated egos......having just acquired the status of regional masters........it's a disgrace."
• R: "Hold on a minute....isn't this an extremely biassed and prejudiced point of view."
• B-J: "Not in the slightest. I know of dozens of losers who drive all over the country at weekends attending congresses happy to shell out a ton or more just for that half greenie........which they inevitably get when they play other equally hopeless players permanently occupying the bottom tables. One year on...and with fifty congresses under their belt these no-hopers, clueless clowns.......complete noddies.......... eventually accumulate the 25 greens needed for entry into that hall of regional master stardom. It's a ludicrous system.........this buy-your-way-to-success completely masks the fact that those half-way up the ladder may still useless at the game."
• R: " But we need to reward those ...in some way..... who win one or two of their round matches."
• B-J: " Rubbish...that's like the Olympics Body giving out medals to all those that get through the first round heats. Might I suggest instead........ that round match-winners in the bottom half receive a token towards a lucky dip from a giant bran-tub. This event could take place after the final session before the major prize giving. But back to the issue in question.....for me, the rationale for giving out green points should be based on sustained success. This surely establishes evidence of competence and ability. Green points should therefore only be handed out to those finishing in the top 10% of the competition field."
• R: "But that would mean some players would take years...perhaps a lifetime.....to acquire these 25 greenies..........and that might dissuade them from coming to congresses.......and that in turn has financial implications for EBU, surely?"
• B-J: "Yes,yes...but buying status and qualifications can't be right.......but hey, enough said on this topic.... let's get onto a much more important matter.......such as, do you accept that I am a first class, top-notch player..... despite not having any regional master credentials?"
• R: "Indeed, I do."
• B-J: " Do you also accept that some regional masters may have no bridge sense whatsoever?"
• R: " Yes...you could be correct with that assessment."
• B-J: "Well, surely then.... the EBU will allow me to enter this competition for regional masters and above."
• R: " Not a chance...the rules are quite clear."
• B-J: " Bugger..."