FANTASY BRIDGE................................( Article by Pun)

• "Anyone for bridge?" asked Dracula. Both Errol Flynn and Mae West stepped forward.
• "Nice pairing" said the Count looking directly towards the volumtuous Mae.
• "I'll make up the four" replied Sweeny Todd, his eyes ablaze with sadistic delight and threatening barbarism.
• And so it was that this unlikely foursome sat down for the first time together to play a big money game of rubber bridge. "We need to cut.....for partners," said Sweeny, as he sat there sharpening his pencil. As luck would have it Errol was to partner Mae where Sweeny drew the Count.
• Errol soon found Dracula's random overcalls a little batty to say the least, not to mention his doubles that seemed to go for the jugular. The play of the cards also showed the Count to be in a rich vein of form. Sweeny's defence was also razor sharp, and despite numerous close shaves the murderous pair managed to pull off some remarkable contracts.
• "Anyone fancy a beer....or some vino?" queried Errol. THe Count was first to reply: " I don't mind a nip of the red stuff to start me off." So drinks were served mid-way through the third rubber. Mae decided she needed a tactical talk with Errol. " Listen, forget about ponderous approach bidding. Get your oar in, and jump me whenever you can. Once you know we are in a good fit go to the limit. We mustn't stick our necks out too far against these two, and neither must we make unnecessary phantom sacrifices. I'm only intersted in easy lay downs. And oh yes....I don't want to play McKenny discards. I much prefer Held with its clear come-on signals.
• The refreshment break and team talk certainly appeared to change their luck. Both the third and fourth rubber went their way to the fury and frustration of Dracula, who was now spluttering and choking after each bad score. " Your coughing needs to be seen to..." suggested Sweeny. The Count, by not picking up on the true context of the remark, quickly snapped back: "How inconsiderate of you to mention the word coffin......hasn't it dawned on you yet, my night is still young." Sweeny, sensing an opportunity to rattle the Count again, then quipped: " Should we play the last rubber for bigger stakes?" For a second time Dracula seethed at his mischievous and provocative partner.
• The fifth and deciding rubber got underway, and with one game up, and in pole position, Errol opened 2 spades. Mae, blessed with a decend hand herself, had waited all night for partner to come up with the really big one. " If this turns out to be a cock up I don't give damn".....she thought....."I'm going to punt 7 notrumps". But as she was about to bid Sweeny came in with a fatuous question as to what two clubs meant. Mae politely replied: "He's loaded with points and has length...of course.....in that suit". A few minutes later, a carefully executed endplay brought home the grand slam. The money was theirs. The Count felt like someone who had just had his heart pierced. Sweeny too was extremely cut up. And as Errol was about to down a stiff drink, Mae ( with a late-night disco in mind) whispered to him....."Hey, big boy.....why not finish the night off in style..........and come dancing?"