REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG......................................................................................... Dear Rebecca, The other evening after I stepped in as stand-by when your partner failed to turn up, you completely disappeared after the last hand. I was so desperate to get your opinion on how played? Yours still in the dark..........................Binky

Dear Binky,

Oh yes, I remember that evening's debacle very well indeed. Who need words to describe how bad you were. How could you not pick up on my body language? Allow me now to recap on all my signals:

• the slumped body in the chair directly opposite you
• the score card ripped up after hand 10
• the 3 trips to the toilet to "throw up"
• the 2 brief exits from the building ( to scream into the muffle-cushion kindly provided by the bar steward )
• my steadfast refusal to watch you play as declarer, preferring instead self-mutilation ( stabbing pen into flesh )
• the urgent visit to the bar ( to telephone hubby to bring over some anti-depressant tablets )
• the constant pulling out of my hair which was found under each and every table
• the rapid exit from the club in a desperate attempt to see a psycho-analyst friend of mine before he went to bed

Surely you've the message now................................Yours as ever incredibly Rood