REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........................................................................................... ( The letter below has been redrafted in order not to offend the sensitivities of delicate law abiding readers.)

• Dear Rebecca, Several members at my club have sent in letters of complaint about my alleged rudeness and offensive behaviour at the tables. Well, being a rough diamond I suppose, I was brought up to call a spade a spade, and to tell people straight what was on my mind. I'm not one who suffers fools gladly ....and this club of mine believe you me is full to the rafters with such people! It's not in my nature to sweep things under the carpet, to overlook burning issues, to turn a blind eye and avoid confrontation. What am I to do when faced with stupidity, petty mindedness, and bridge-table gaffes, that would make any sane man pull out his hair in sheer frustration. Am I to smile.....or hand over bunch of roses?
• And what if I encounter dopey, hesitant, revoking and revolting opponents? Do I just sit there like a pudding and allow their misdemeanours to go unchallenged? I think not. So what advice could you give me now that the club committee is currently reviewing 356 totally unwarranted letters of complaint besmearing my good name.Yours totally misunderstood......Howard Bigot-Johnson
• Dear Bigot, Not only are you barking up the wrong tree, I would say you are barking mad. It sems to me you're damn lucky to still be a member of your club. One complaint is one too many. Two is pushing your luck. But 356 can only mean three things..........you are a hypocrite...........a fool........and a thoroughly unpleasant person. ( Incidentally, I've written my own letter of complaint to your club committee ...numbered 357 .....because of the huge number of defamatory remarks and vulgar expletives I found in your correspondence. )
• It is imperative that you recognise that most club members are victims of countless psychological disorders and afflictions..............and you are no exception. As you well know, a close friend and associate of mine, Dr. John, is writing extensively on this very subject. So just accept the reality of this prevailing state of affairs: in bridge clubs abnormal behaviour is the norm. If you cannot tolerate others without exposing your own disorders, then I suggest you carry with you at all times a muffle cushion. Now... you can bury your face in it, whenever the urge to shout and scream becomes overwhelming. By being able to stiffle and silence yourself in this way, no one at all will be able to hear you.......whilst you, of course, will be able to release all that pent-up anger and frustration. Yours Rebecca "don't ever contact me again you obnoxios little man" Rood