BRIDGE CLUB DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMMITTEE HEARING No.43...... It came as no surprise to the panel to see the disgruntled Bigot-Johnson storm into the committee room. This particular hearing had been urgently convened, following the deluge of complaint letters being sent in about his recent article in the club's newsletter. Somehow this had slipped through the censorship net and vetting procedures that had only been put in place, to guard against this type of material. This was in response to an utterly outrageous article of his months earlier. The latest complaints centred on his claims that the club membership was full of "oldies.......who were well past it" .....and in most cases "over the hill". This is a short extract from the transcript of the hearing.

• B-J: " Well, what is it this time......to be dragged in here like this....when I could be playing golf ..."
• Com: " You know very well why you've been called in. We've already told you about the letters of complaint we have received....and we now want some answers."
• B-J: " So be it... well, first off, I would like to say that you lot must also be over the hill....if you can't see what's going on around you."
• Com: " Now, enough of that.........We need to know on what grounds you are able to come out with such ludicrous statements about the members ? "
• B-J: " I pride myself on astute observation, logical and clinical analysis of the facts, being able to draw correct conclusions based on the weight of evidence and the balance of statistical probabilities. Let me explain.....Over the past three months I've witnessed numerous incidents which stack up as irrefutable evidence to support my views. For instance, only yesterday I came across a player who brought with him a custom made abucus, which had 13 beads on each row...... to aid him with his counting. Oh yes, then theres was a LOL who opened a pre-emptive 3 spades on her 7-3-3-0 distribution, only to then realise that 3 of the diggers were actually blackberries. To top that, a few weeks ago when the bell went, two members actually got up from their tables to line up outside for the school morning assembly. You want more examples.....? Well, the best one involved a member who .....on hearing his partner say "wow, you're really on fire, tonight".....rushed to the toilet to douse himself with cold water. But the ultimate has to be another LOL who , after playing a spade on the first round of clubs, called the TD over alleging that the other three were all guilty of having revoked.........The list is endless."
• Com: " Yes...yes...we get your drift....but now it's time you got ours. Members of this club do not come here to be offended. Their momentary aberrations are not to criticised....they are to be excused. Members expect their feelings to be respected. They don't expect to be hurt by cruel, vitriolic, gross exagerrations and distortions of the facts. There is no justification or need to make pointless and unnecessary remarks just for your amusement, and that of others who might share your particular prejudices and jaundiced views. There are things that are better left unsaid. So on that note, we have decided to issue you with a ban. You are forbidden to voice any controversial or confrontational views on issues, which might cause alarm or concern to other members. You are to keep your conversation extremely civil, polite and friendly at all times....or else ,we will have no other option but to terminate your membership from this club. Do you have anything to say...?
• B-J: " Bugger......"