CRIMES COMMITTED AT THE BRIDGE TABLES by Bridgemeister GIbson As bridge players you may have been getting away with crimes for years........but a recent spate of Crown Court cases will now put a stop to all that ......... as you will be clearly discover after reading the following 2009 LAW REPORTS:

• R v. Esbedee : The accused was charged with "criminal nuisance" by reason of his relentless and persistent urge to trump at every given opportunity. The sensitivities of those adversely affected were deemed to be those of ordinary reasonable people, who could not (in the eyes of the jurors) be expected to survive such repeated acts of trumping and over-trumping.
• R v. Fox : The accused was charged with "obtaining a pecuniary advantage by deception", when he secured prize money by using an array of extremely clever, cunning and deceptive bids. These included psyches, deviations, super-light openers and overcalls, phantom cue bids and off-centre one notrumps. Many of these completely flummoxed, confused and stymied his opponents, causing them to make silly errors and costly blunders. The jury had no difficulty in returning a unanimous guilty verdict.
• R v. Chatterton & Chatterton : The two accused were charged with "unlawful social intercourse" having been caught on endless occasions gossiping to each during at the bridge tables........before, during and after each and every hand they played. Irated opponents and flabbergasted onlookers were appalled by their complete contempt for the club rules regarding acceptable behaviour. After a guilty verdict was recorded, the judge sentenced them to 180 hours of community service erecting fences and bedding plants in nearby National Trust gardens.
• R v. Pilfer : The accused was charged with "stealing contracts" through a combination of frivolous and daring bids when vulnerable little old ladies came to the table. Their frailness and timidity only compounded the situations which saw them time and time again opting out of the bidding too quickly, despite their far superior point count. The jury was dumbstruck by the audacious and outlandish nature of these smash and grab assaults. Having noted the arrogance and pride displayed by the accused on his admission of guilt, the judge had no hesitation in sending him down to serve 2 years in prison.

( So be warned, both the police and the CPS are now targeting every bridge club around. Be very aware that your cards might have been already marked..........and if they have, then sadly your game is up. )