DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES......................................................................... Bridge players can develop syndromes like no other group of individuals. The list is endless. One that seems to affect thousands across the world is called STENDAL'S SYNDROME. This condition triggers increased heartbeats, palpitations and dizziness. These symptoms are usually experienced by less experienced players, such as beginners who have stepped up ......for the first time....... into the competitive arenas of duplicate bridge. When the victim finds him/herself as declarer, faced with a tricky hand, aware of his partner's high expectations, and needing a cool head and the calm approach to steer the contract home......the syndrome locks in. Victims, go into a near epileptic state whereupon they completely fall to pieces. This syndrome was named after the 19th century French novelist who wrote of his experiences, when introduced to the woman of his dreams. He became so flustured and over-excited he completely fluffed his words, and wet himself. The opportunity to make a score was lost forever.

OPENING YOUR MOUTH AND PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN IT.......................(Article by Pun )

Bridge players tend to be so focussed on the game, they tend to say things without ever realising what faux pas they have just committed. Without intent or malice, they constantly blurt out insensitive and hurtful remarks about others...almost as a matter of habit. It would not be surprising therefore for a bridge player while in conversation with another club member, who only has one leg, to quite innocently make a stack of inappropriate references such as: Long John Silver, Peg-leg Pete, Hopalong Cassidy, the Hokey Cokey......and so on. Indeed, not so long ago I overheard a conversation betwen two such members, where the two-legged one really excelled at the art of making faux pas. In the space of 5 minutes he came out with the following remarks:

• No need to get hopping mad.....
• There's just one more leg to go in this competition....
• It's your turn to foot the bill.....
• If you have another drink, you'll end up legless....
• I'm sorry if my bidding put you out on a limb.....
• I don't want our partnership to get off on the wrong foot....
• We both need to put our best foot forward.....
• So you much prefer weak jump overcalls...
• If you appeal against this TD's ruling, you won't have a leg to stand on.....
• When you get to my age, you know you've got one foot in the grave..

Some clinical psycholgists believe that the ability to make faux pas stems from the fact that players' brains become fully absorbed with bridge-related matters......to the exclusion of everything else. Therefore the part of the brain, which is responsible for the functioning of empathy, social etiquette and awareness, is temporarily disabled. Inevitably, the all consuming passion for bridge compells players to continually drop these verbal clangers......to the dismay and disbelief of those adversely affected. Mind you, I did hear of one enterprising bridge club that sold from behind the bar a licenced drug called "inhibitron" . This achieved a fair degree of success in that users began to speak very slowly, but more importantly to mumble and slur their words. Even if anyone had the patience to listen, it was impossible to grasp what was being said.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............................FREGOLI'S DELUSION : This is another variant of the Capgras Delusion which sadly affects a large number of bridge players. Here the victims, so often the harassed and harangued weaker players, develop a rare disorder, whereby they hold the delusional belief that their tormentors are always sitting directly opposite them at the table. Despite having different partners of a much more caring and friendly disposition, the sufferer can only see his tormentor ready to strike. Attempts to convince victims otherwise fall on feaf ears and closed minds. They remain totally convinced that their tormentors just change their appearance, being supreme masters of disguise. This disorder was first reported in 1939 by two psychiatrists, who were both asked to see a mentally ill female player. It soon came to light that her long-term partner had subjected her to years of constant bullying. So much so, she was utterly convinced that this was the norm for all partnerships. The painful memories were so distressing, the face of her tormentor became firmed etched and embedded in her mind. Therefore, every new partner she tried out...... always ( in her now twisted and damaged mind ) possessed the same characteristics and malevolent intent as her former one. Modern day psycho-analysts compare this disorder to an extreme ,but frightening, type of persecution complex. However, unlike a persecution complex where everyone is out to get you, fregoli's delusion is where one individual pretending to be others certainly is.

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT PUN HAS YET TO COME ACROSS................

• Bridge Talk Over Breakfast.................Hammond Eggs
• Giving Advice To Partner....................Casey Needzit
• Going All Out For Tops......................Hedda Steam
• Avoiding Trouble On Misfits................Vera Whey
• Drug Scandals In Bridge....................Dee Spenser
• I Love This Game..............................Alma Hart
• I Heard You First Time, Partner..........Louden Clear
• My Partner's Gone Walkabout. ......... Izzy Backyette

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES............................. Bridge players never fail to amaze me, such is their capacity to encounter a multitude of rare and unusual disorders. Not so long ago I had a client who suffered from CAPGRAS DELUSION. This particular disorder affects only inferior players. After a prolonged period of poor scores and a rapidly growing inferiority complexes, they suddenly take on a delusional belief that they are in fact technically more skilled and gifted at the game than their more illustrious partners. The delusion involves victims projecting all their failings onto partners, but taking in return all their expertise and know-how. Some psychoanalysts have queried whether this disoreder is no more than a peculiar form of schizophrenia. However, what we do know is that the victim's true-self simply crosses over the table to be temporarily relocated in the body of their partner.......and the void that was left behind is quickly filled by inventing a new-self, often in the likeness of their partner, with all his/her strengths and abilities. But one disturbing factor of this delusion is that nothing seems to stop them entering this fantasy world of escape and role-reversal. The pain and suffering, that once stemmed from the guilt and shame of their incompetence, are feelings well and truly confined to the past. This disorder is simply a defensive mechanism that enables them to transfer blame far more effectively than any other known strategy. However, there is still some debate on whether the disorder is real, being no more than a calculated ploy to avoid ever being named, blamed and shamed again. Whatever the outcome of this debate, it's nice to know that this rather strange disorder was, according to the script writers, the inspiration behind that marvellous comic movie " Trading Places".

EIGHT EVER , NINE NEVER: YES,YES....BUT THAT MANTRA IS FOR BEGINNERS......( Article Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Much has been written about what to do when you and your partner have a 9 card fit (usually 5 opposite 4 ) and all that is missing is the elusive queen. Do you play for the drop relying on a 2-2 split, or do you finesse against the first opponent who has followed again on the second round of the suit ? Well, according to the age-old maxim you play for the drop.........unless of course you have gathered evidence and/or inferences from the bidding and/or play that the finesse offers better chances of capturing the queen. If, for instance, during a competitive auction your RHO has made a take-out cue bid in your suit, then surely that suggests he holds the singleton, placing his partner with the other three. Again, if competent opponents have bid to a high level on thin values, then this surely suggests that one of them does not envisage having more than one loser in your suit ! So what if your opponents have remained silent, and the early play of the hand reveals nothing. Do you stick with the old maxim ? Well, NOT if you are believer in the Law of Symmetry. This states that if you and your partner have in your short suit holding an even split........then, a reciprical 2-2 split will also show up in the opponents' short suit holding. So the odds are more in favour for the drop. However, if you and your partner show up with a singleton in your short suit holding, then the Law of Symmetry suggests that your opponents' 4 card holding will also reveal a singleton , by virtue of a 3-1 split. So now the fineese improves your odds for picking up that elusive queen. Indeed, statistical studies of 10oo's of computer dealt hands have clearly shown that by applying the Law of Symmetry, your chances of making the right call are greatly improved. Yet perversely, there is one final point that needs to be considered.......and this involves the need to deliberately go anti-system. Imagine being in 5 spades, and as dummy comes down you sense that most of the field will be in 6 spades. The contract is there only if the queen can be picked up. If the pairs in slam have nothing at all to go on ( and the Law of Symmetry favours a 2-2 split) , then most declarers will play to drop the queen. But you mustn't. There's no point in doing the same, because if the queen falls then 5S+1 scores very few match points. However, by going anti-system and opting to finesse, you have a chance of making a few match points. So say it fails..... what have you lost ? It is obvious that 5S tick is no more wretched than 5S+1, when slams elsewhere in the room are being brought in. However, should the finesse be the masterly play, then your wonderful 5S+1 will certainly outscore all those making either 5S tick or 6S-1.

LAW REPORT : WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE TEAM v BIGOT-JOHNSON (2009) This civil action came up before the Sheffield and District County Court judge, the right honourable Sir Leon Stake. The plaintiffs were seeking compensation for being cheated out of a place in the semi-final of the national knock-out teams event. Bigot-Johnson was alleged to be the sole culprit, and not surprisingly he decided to conduct his own defence.

• Counsel (for the plaintiffs) : Your honour, the Walnut Tree Allotment team are seeking substantial damages for the pain and loss of having missed on a little piece of bridge history. This band of agricultural no-hopers were on the verge of something quite remarkable.......the semi-finals of the NIKKO at their first attempt..........
• B-J : Might I interject.......this rag-bag team of muddy-booted, filthy finger-nailed, country yokels.... two of which, I might add, have aussie accents.......are all trying to soil my good name and reputation.
• Counsel : But is it not true that during the match, the plaintiffs were beginning to get a little drunk.......not only from quite a few unexpected triumphs in doubled contracts making.......but also from a potent potato wine they brought with them ?
• B-J : Yes....because half the time they hadn't a clue about the bidding. Sometimes, they bid ludicrous game contracts that went off by 2 or 3 tricks......but then, they bid even more ludicrous game contracts that miraculously came home, through the fortunate lay out of the cards.
• Counsel : Those comments are irrelevant to this case.......for is it not true that you would have lost this match had it not been for the last board, where you perpetrated a distardly act which caught your opponents off guard.
• B-J; No comment .....
• Counsel : I'll refresh your memory.....on board 24 your opponents were clearly under the influence of alcohol. You had bid to 6S with one certain loser in clubs. The opening lead was a heart, and as it turned out the contract depended on you picking up the king of hearts. Unfortunately, with the Ace in dummy you could only finesse it one way....being through your LHO. Before you had time to make a decision, your RHO opponent who could hardly hold his cards by now, suddenly dropped two face-up on the table. These were the king and seven of hearts. In an instant, you knew the heart finesse would fail........unless of course you put this diabolical plan into operation. Although a card from dummy should have been played next ........you, with a total disregard for ethical protocol, immediately played your heart queen from hand ( from the South seat )......which your RHO opponent covered instinctively with his King......only for you to take the trick in dummy with the Ace. You had cleverly changed the rotation of the order in which the cards were to be played. As soon as you took this first trick, you claimed the contract before these two sozzled Aussies had realised what had actually happened.
• B-J ; Hmmm....I was ...perhaps.... guilty of a lapse in concentration ?
• Counsel : No.... it was a desperate, calculated and devious act of skulduggery.....
• Judge: I've heard enough....and I'm shocked and appalled at what depths you Bigot-Johnson are prepared to sink to in the quest for victory. .......So I find for the plaintiffs with damages to be awarded of £2000.
• B-J : Oh...Bugger

BRIDGE BOOKS QUICKLY READ BEST FORGOTTEN.......( By Pun )

• Partnering Grandmasters Makes Me So Nervous....Wilma Hart-Makett
• Matches I Lost That Made Me Feel Sick...............Philippa Bucket
• We Lost Again Partner, And I'm Gutted............Heywood U. Cuddle-Mee
• Conventions So Easy To Cotton Onto..................Fred D. Needle
• Basic Principles Of Bidding.................................Rudi Mentry
• Hitch-hikers Guide To Playing Bridge.................Juan Nalift
• The Argy-Bargy Of Competitive Bidding.............Jocelyn Ann Pushin

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES.......................... Over the past few years, I have unearthed many distressing psychological conditions and afflictions that bridge players ultimately develop over time. This particular condition is one that has disturbed me the most. It quickly develops into a behavioural trait that is so awful, many on-lookers have turned to God, pleading and begging that He ....... with his infinite power........... can compell the sufferers to carry out their own suicide ,or sign up to a voluntary euthansia clinic. INFLA TEDEGO: The latin name for this condition derives from a form of mental blindness, whereby sufferers display a disturbing inability to see themselves as they really are. Once this affliction gets well established, these poor but over-bearing victims begin to believe their status and ability as a bridge player is way beyond the reality of the situation. Despite failing to win any trophy or event of any kind, promotion up the EBU rankings tends to be the triggering factor. Each successive promotion is translated by them as evidence of improved ability. The status of becoming even a regional master goes straight to their head. The self-delusion becomes irreversible should such any of the sufferers fluke a success somewhere......or be asked to play in a team of higher ranking players. When the affliction becomes extremely acute, victims develop a level of vanity which manifests itself into extreme distorted thinking. For instance, they adopt the blinkered view that if anything has gone wrong at the table, it was clearly down to their partners' lack of ability and experience. They firmly believe only they can detect the errors made.....and which only they can correct........ with their expert on-the-spot analysis and coaching. Their egos become so immense, every statement they made begins with the word "I". As their heads grow, so does their ability to transfer blame onto others, when they themselves were clearly at fault. Moreover, victims of infla tedego remain utterly oblivious to the nausea, sickness and pain others will inevitable experience in their presence.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............................................................

• Dear Rebecca, I don't know what to do to get my partner to play "proper" bridge. I've tried all sorts of things........repeated ear-bashings, giving him written reminders to attach to his convention cards, T-shirts with key bits of advice printed on the front, private lessons ( at a reasonable price , I might add ), dressing-downs you've never heard the like of, not to mention insults that would make even dead men squirm.......and all to no avail. I'm beginning to wonder whether I have psychologically damaged him in some way. Would " tough love " be a more effective approach ? Yours Howard Bigot-Johnson
• Dear Bigot, From my reading of your letter, you seem worried that you might well inflict even more psychological damage on your partner, if you continue with your current motivational methods. You query whether or not a new slightly softer approach might do the trick ? Well, try to see the situation in this way. Can you chop down a tree that's already keeled over in the wind ? Can you kill a horse that is already dead ? Can you prick a balloon that is already deflated ? Can you contaminate an apple that is already rotten ? I think not.
• The sad fact is your partner is well and truly beyond recovery. Psychologically, you have already destroyed him, and since he is now bereft of any self-confidence or self-belief.......poor bridge will follow him wherever he goes to play. Ironically, the good news for you is that he is now incapable of coming to any further psychological harm. Indeed, he is in effect completely immune to any further treatment you might have in store for him. And so to answer your question, there seems no point whatsoever for you to change your ways.......because firstly, your partner cannot change.....and secondly, the motives behind your methods are clearly designed to satisfy your highly inflated ego and sadistic tendencies. Praying I never come across anyone like you at the bridge tables............... yours almost lost for words, Rood

THE MOST DISGUSTING BRIDGE BOOKS EVER WRITTEN....................( As discredited by Pun )

• Everything You Need To Know About Bridge.....Allan Sundry
• Partner, I Have What You Need In My Hand..... Joy Stick
• For Many Players, Bridge Is A Religion............Evan Jellist
• Partner, Will You Stop Pissing About...............Jack Eatin
• The Bizarre World Of Bridge............................Alison Wonderland
• Whenever I Play, Shit Always Hits The Fan......Hu Flung Dung
• Light Openers And Mischeivous Overcalls.........Upton O. Goode
• Sorry Partner, I've A Real Bad Hand.................Abner Mallety
• That's It....Kick Me Where It Hurts Most !.........Mike Rotch
• Don't Let Bridge Stress You Out......................E. C. Duzzit

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.....................................................................

• Jump bid : direct request for bed-time frolics
• Rule of 11: no substitutes allowed
• Laydown : what one needs to do to calm down after witnessing partner go off in one
• Protection : as aspect of the game some players tend to ignore
• Rubber : players' preferred choice, especially if concerned about protection
• Entry problem : a serious condition affecting only male members who engage in binge drinking
• MUD : a glorious signalling method ( nothing quite like it, infact ) that tells partner that you have "sod" all in that suit
• End play : opposite of foreplay
• Rank : (Adjective) used to describle the smell than emanates from the seat vacated by a elderly player with a weak bladder
• Throw-in : a term which originated in the late 1930's when a hapless player ( an ex-boxer ) found himself well and truly end-played. He decided at that point to throw-in the proverbial towel, and quit the game for good
• 4th highest : the smallest player at the table

JOHNNY SUPREMO: THINKING STRAIGHT AGAIN.............................. I have never claimed to be a superb technician in terms of bidding and play..............the secret of my success is to keep my thinking staight, never allowing myself to fall victim to reckless or frivolous flights of fancy. The skills I have developed to be a winner are logic and reasoning, complemented by a dollop of flair, vision, and an ability to improvise when no sensible alternatives seem available.

• Well, here is a hand which very few players reached a rigid 25 point grand slam, except for just two pairs, which included my partner and I. Sitting North, partner held: A10xxxxx......Axx......Qx.....K.......all of which went very well opposite my: void.....xx.......AKJ98xx.......Axxx
• The uninterrupted bidding sequence went as follows: 1S - 2D - 2S - 3D - 4D - 5C - 6C- 6D - 7D

So what went through my mind when partner opened one spade? " Hmmm....not surprised to hear that bid......anyway, here goes, I'll start off with two diamonds....... Oh no, partner has rebid 2 spades, suggesting extra length but a relatively weak hand......and now I'm at the cross-roads. What to do for the best? My options are 3D, 3C, and 4D, but I need to review the merits and drawbacks of each. 3 diamonds will be interpreted as non-forcing and partner could pass.....but thereagain we could have a massive misfit and 3D could be our best spot..... 3 clubs will be certainly treated as on-going alright, but that bid mis-describes the shapely nature of my hand. Moreover, the misfit in spades requires me to be more circumspect. I need to tread carefully until a fit is found. 4 diamonds is a real alternative, but this takes up too much bidding space, and a club fit might go undetected. Sod it, I'll have to settle on 3D and hope my partner can keep the auction going. .........Wow, partner's finally shown me some diamond support.....either three small or a doubleton queen/jack? So far I have bid quietly....but now I must come to life. To bid 5D would be a cop out....so I must bid 5C to show some interest in a slam, and a first round control. Partner can always close the auction with 5D himself .......But what's this.....6C from partner.....this is music to my years. Surely, this infers he's not worried by 2 quick losers in hearts or spades? It's too much to expect him holding both the major aces so I'll best settle for 6D. .....Good grief he's gone to seven.....now he does hold both the outstanding aces ....plus of course the king of clubs. Nice one....partner."

The play went very sweetly. The Ace of spades dealt with my losing heart. The third round of clubs held up allowing me to ruff small. The fourth club was ruffed with the queen, and even with diamonds breaking 3-0 the contract rolled home.

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SOLUTION TO................ KILLING TIME Owww.....the other day the play was so slow it was a triumph for the snails alright......especially when the TD himself happens to be one of them. So there I was with oceans of time to spare ( on almost each and every round ) pulling out my hair in an attempt to relieve my utter frustration and boredom. So......... determined that none of us quickies should ever fall victim again to these numerous long bouts of inactivity, I have come up with the perfect solution to kill time. Yes, it's my very own " Bigot-Johnson's Activity Box Set " , which we should all carry around with us for such contingencies. Inside this box ( a snip at £40 ) you will find the following items:

• copy of " War and Peace "
• crochet kit
• pack of cards.... alongwith book on patience games
• painting-by-numbers set
• numerous sudoku and crossword puzzles
• bag of meccano pieces
• Rubik's cube
• Connect 4
• sculpturing knife...... plus block of wood
• personal manicure set

So never let these slow coaches drive you into a state of despondency and despair..............get buying, get busy, and really utilise all that spare time. First off perhaps, you could try crocheting a life-like voodoo doll of the snail-incarnate...........because plenty of pins are also included in the kit.

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR CONNOISSEURS......( As recommended by Pun )

• Thorny Problems In Declarer Play....................Rose Bush
• Pull Yourself Together, Partner........................Annette Curtain
• Play Bridge Like Luke Skywalker.....................Jed I. Knight
• Bridge Earnings Keep Me Going......................Emile Ticket
• What Signalling System Do You Play?.............Chris Cross
• They Trumped Your Trick Partner !...................Wendy Dothat

LAW REPORT: BIGOT-JOHNSON v BOZO THE CLOWN (1999) This rather unusual case involved the resurrection of an ancient old common law crime long thought defunct and obsolete. In a private prosection Bigot-Johnson took his own partner to court in an action that shocked the bridge world to the core. Below is a short extract from the transcripts of the Old Bailey trial, where Bozo The Clown was indicted for preserving his honour......in circumstances that bordered on gross negligence and serious misconduct. The incident took place on December 13th 1998 at the Cardinal Bridge Club.

• B-J: The prosection alleges .....being me of course.... that the idiot sitting in the dock ......that bozo of a clown .....that ex-partner of mine....that useless dopey-eyed rabbit .....is guilty of the most heinous crime ever to be perpetrated at the bridge tables......being the most outrageous act of preserving of his honour. During one crucial team match, the accused had a golden chance to save our first division status , if only he had managed to defeat the opposition's 3NT contract. Because of his failure to do what any decent, sane , sensible bridge player would have done with his cards, we cruelly lost the match by a cat's whisker....... to be ridiculed and shamed by the ignominy of relegation.
• Judge: Please explain to the court Bigot exactly what Bozo did?
• B-J: Indeed I will your Lordship......indeed I will..................South was in 3NT with the followings cards in dummy: 963.......A632............874............AKJ.................opposite his: QJ10....... K10.........KQ1096.........Q109
• I, sitting left of declarer held : A7542......J73......J32......75, whilst bozo the clown came up with: K8.....Q984......A5......86432
• Judge: Well tell the court what happened?
• B-J: At trick one I led my 4th highest spade (standard lead) which my partner took with the king. Back came a spade to my Ace and a third round of spades put declarer in with the queen. At this point my chances of getting back in depended on me winning with one of my jacks. But this was possible, if Bozo over there had sufficient wit and foresight to jettison his Ace of diamonds under declarer's queen of spades! However, because he didn't declarer went twice over to dummy with clubs, to lead diamonds up to his own king/queen . Bozo had to take his Ace at the second time of asking, and so declarer made the contract plus one with 3 clubs, 4 diamonds, 2 hearts and 1 spade. If Bozo had jettisoned the Ace of diamonds on the third round of spades, declarer was restricted to eight tricks only, because I would get in with the jack of diamonds to enjoy two more spade winners.
• Judge: But how was Bozo to know that was what he had to do?
• B-J: Because no other line of defence was available . His duty was to try to create a possible entry for me. This is failed to do. Preserving his honour was a dispicable act of misconduct which needs to be punished.
• Judge: Well, I was always told Aces were for biffing kings.....not to randomly lob away
• B-J: Upon my soul.....you're a bad as him......
• Judge: I've heard enough......this action is a frivolous waste of the court's time and is born out of sour grapes. I recommend to the jury that Bozo....the clown that he may be.....is innocent of any criminal charges.
• B-J: Bugger

BRIDGE BOOKS: THE BEST BARGAIN BUYS............................( Research by Pun )

• Achieving Perfect Partnership Understanding....Toby Aswan
• Bridge Players Are A Dying Breed.......................Jerry Attric
• Bigot-Johnson Talks Rubbish..............................Tommy Rott
• Playing Bridge Without Thinking.........................Otto Pilot
• Is Interest In Bridge On The Wane......................Peter Howt
• If Opponents Upset you......................................Callum Burkes
• No More Mistakes Partner, I Promise..................Will B. Goode
• Shooting For Tops In All Directions....................Tommy Gunn
• Bridge Can Be Deadly..........................................Anne Thrax
• Yesterday's Bridge..............................................Tom Orrow

HOW FICTION OWES ITS ORIGIN TO REALITY......................( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

• Not so long ago my great grand-father told me about his university days when he shared digs with two fellow medical students. One of them, after several career changes, went on to be a writer of classic horror stories. He remembered how both of them were shocked by their other flatmate's occasional bouts of abnormal behaviour, because to the world at large he came across as a very mild mannered man. These strange aberrations occured whenever he returned late from an evening out. He would storm into the flat, slamming doors and banging his hands on the walls in total frustration. His face became grotesquely twisted and distorted, like a man engulfed by torment and pain. What on earth had brought about this frightening change of character?
• Determined to find out the answer, the two of them decided to follow him the next time he ventured out into the night. What ale-house of ill-reput was this strange flatmate going to that served up the devil's own potent brew? What hell-hole could he be entering that destroys both the minds and souls of innocents? So when their colleague walked through the front door of the local bridge club, they both seemed totally dumbstruck and perplexed. Nevertheless, after electing to wait outside for 3 hours, they saw their friend emerge with that same demonic and vengeful look.....ready to maim ...ready to kill. Yet he was not on his own in that respect. There were others storming out of the premises looking like wild rampaging savages, as if possessed by some evil omnipotent force.
• So there we have it......the truth behind the inspiration and idea for that well-known but rather disturbing tale of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde..........a story that later on saw my grandfather's flatmate achieve the status as a great horror-fiction writer. To the immense relief of the bridge playing community, he attributed the cause of Dr. Jekyll's transmation purely down to drinking an experimental laboratory potion.
• However, the reality is still with us. In almost every club, certain members arrive....warm, friendly people.....that is until they start playing bridge. And once they embark on that journey, the transformation begins. Nothing can stop them changing into creatures of the most unsavoury kind. The power of bridge to alter people's characters and personalities beyond recognition clearly stunned my great grand-father, and several generations of psycho-analysts. Indeed, the most eminent one in the world today, Dr. John , has done much research on this dangerous and pathological disorder. For him the fictional concept is far less scary the reality that inspired it.

JOHNNY SUPREMO: HOW BAD CAN ANYONE'S DEFENCE GET?..............

• As much as I welcome gifts, earning tops through skill and technical ability will always give me far more pleasure. However, there are occasions when a gift does prove most welcome. In a recent congress, I wasn't quite on top of my game, and I knew that if I was to be in with a shout for a top place, I needed a good board to ensure this penultimate round turned into 20-0 victory. My opponents were a surprise pair of LOLs, one of which was a very able player......but obviously suffering from poor eyesight.
• So there I was in 4S after the bidding went 2S from me (weak), 3D overcall, and 4S from my over-ambitious, or should I say, reckless partner. As he tabled his hand: .....xx.....AQxx.....xxx......KQxx...... my jaw nearly fell to the floor, as it offered little help to me with my: J109xxx...Kxx....xxx.....A...........
• I was looking at three off for minus 300......until divine intervention stepped in. My RHO opponent took the opening king of diamonds lead with her stiff Ace, only to lead back a club. Gratefully seizing this trick with my Ace, I hopped over to dummy via the Ace of hearts to pitch my two diamond losers on the king/queen of clubs. One off now....and I was reasonably happy.
• But happiness turned into sheer joy when the fourth club was ruffed by my RHO opponent with the 3 of spades .....only to be over-ruffed by me. So if the remaining spades were breaking 2-2 the impossible contract was coming home. Next came the jack of spades, taken on my left with the queen, with my RHO opponent playing the 8. On recapturing the heart return with my king, I then volunteered the 10 of spades, taken on my left with the Ace.......but with my RHO discarding the 3 of clubs !!!
• So when the King of spades did appear to set the contract one off.....remarkably it turned up on my right, and so two revokes could now be established. Obviously, the blind old biddy had suited the two black threes incorrectly. With uncharacteristic meanness, I asked for and obtained a two trick adjustment, which meant I recorded a score of +650. This surely raised a few eyebrows for all the other North/Souths who saw the scorecards later.....only to wonder how was it possible for any defence to be that bad ?

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG............................................................

• Dear Rebecca, I'm at my wits end......for as you know I'm a good solid pairs player, but just lately weak opponents seem to be saving their only good boards against me. In recent duplicates, these rabbits are lobbing gifts to all and sundry until they come to my table. Then miraculously they take on both the table presence and ability of international grandmasters. Am I the victim of an evil conspiracy, or an irrational persecution complex. This disturbing state of affairs is causing me endless sleepless nights. What's your view on this? Yours in desperation, Lou Singit
• Dear Lou, You do seem to be cracking up, but please try to look at your poor results from another angle. It's not the opposition doing good things......it's more than likely that you are trying too hard to get results against these irritating bunnies. As a consequence of trying to create tops, you are probably doing things that give you outright bottoms. Against weak players you don't have to do a thing.....they will always hang themselves providing you give them enough rope. Get real and treat these weaker opponents as though they are fish in a barrel waiting to be shot. There's no need for you to get stressed by thinking hard and long.......just relax and spice up your game with a few devious bids which create simple but effective traps. Adopt the instinct of a lazy hunter by luring them onto the paths of self-destruction. Every time the trap is sprung, an effortless top will be gifted to you. Yours faithfully,Rood
• PS. If the above advice doesn't quite do the trick, then I suggest you read the following books on the subject. These come recommended by my old friend and colleague.....the one and only Pun. I feel very confident indeed that these books will really help you out:
• Bunnies May Have Big Ears, But They Never Listen To The Bidding
• How To Use Dazzling And Blinding Bids To Paralyse Bunnies With Fear
• Ferret Out The Rabbits In Your Club And Go For The Kill
• How To Inflict Huge Bottoms On Rabbits ( And Send Them Hopping Mad )
• How To Fix Bunnies With Highly Unusual And Hare-Raising Bids
• 22 Carrot Gold Tips On Bunny Bashing