BRIDGE AUTHORS NEED TO WISE UP......SAYS PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI

( Yes, I am still on the topic of how to make bridge sound more exciting. Well, colourful vocabulary is one thing.....context is another.......especially when it involves write-ups about bridge hands. Such stories should be done in the style of "Dark Noir" thrillers as illustrated below. )

Johnny smiled as two unsuspecting guppies arrived at his table. The room was littered with circus tents, with bozos in abundance. His long and bony jaw jutted out from his pitted and acne-ravaged face. His nostrils quivered in anticipation. But now, his piercing blue eyes turned towards his cards. Johnny was a hardrock and was about to inflict his favourite coffeehousing trick upon this pair of chumps. He knew that Hollywood sitting opposite would as always play a great acting role in the unfolding theatre of the auction . After some deliberation, a monotone bid of "three hearts " broke the silence.

Hollywood was a lanky sun-tanned women in her late twenties, whose skimpy dress clung to her slender body with an effect of dampness. Her bright blue eyes and boyish face suited her frisky and playful demeanor. Just as she was absorbing the richness of her hand, the bumble-puppy on her right doubled. She then leaned so far forward her delicate breasts brushed against the top of the table. "Redouble" she said, so softly that only the purest articulation made the words intelligible. Now she slowly turned towards her LHO, but her cobalt blue eyes had narrowed to produce a probing and penetrating look. Her deep red moistened lips parted a fraction, which meant her glistening white teeth contrasted greatly with the murky backdrop of a dimly lit room.

To her left, Coco the clown had sunk deep into his chair. His tortured face was like that of a condemned man about to receive a death sentence. Lines on his face revealed a worried and panic-stricken soul. The smell of fear and dread oozed from his sweaty pores. With no four card suit ( other than hearts ) to bid, a limp and wimpish "pass" spluttered out from the back of his parched and burning throat.

Johnny, with a zombie-like movement, rocked violently back in his chair. He had been a good man in his early days, but how he relished his new role as an angle shooting shark. Viewing his opponents as a couple of stiffs, he smoothly passed. On hearing an ill-fated " four spades " from the Jonah to her right, Hollywood shifted her tall and pliantly slender frame into an upright and erect position. For anyone with vampire blood in their veins , it was the time to go for the jugular . " Double " she purred, with the teasing softness of a cat, whose victim had had nowhere to run.

Three more passes ended this one-sided bidding encounter. Hollywood led a telling low heart to Johnny's Ace, but angle shooters don't need Aces to win tricks. Being void in the suit and ruffing it instead is always easier. That look of sharp attentiveness meant no trouble for Johnny to switch to clubs, with Hollywood quickly in to devour declarer's king with her ace. A strong scent of blood quickly filled the air. Back came another low heart. Ruffed. A club return to Hollywood's queen. Yet another heart ruff to inflict further carnage upon the hapless greenhorns. And with a spade and two diamond tricks still to come, the devastation was complete. Five off doubled for a savage 1400 penalty.

Johnny winked at his partner. Psyching a pre-empt on a void had brought about a satisfying result. With a coy and sheepish look, Hollywood pursed her ruby red lips in her usual aching and longing way. But for "The Man" a few more rounds of bridge had to come first...................................

HOW TO MAKE BRIDGE SOUND MORE EXCITING......... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Let's get real. The reason why bridge appears to ordinary folk as a staid, sombre and serious affair is simply this: it is talked about by players in such a way as to bore most outsiders rigid. Not so with poker players who can make their game sound extremely exciting and hugely appealing. Of course, in poker the characters are intriguing, the stakes are high, the tension unbearable...and the drama spell-binding.....but its the language they use in their conversations, which helps make the game sound really good. The terms they use to describe each other are both colourful and imaginative.....terms which bring conversations alive.........terms which add imagery, humour and excitement to the stories. So until bridge players invent a vocabulary of their own, then nothing will change the drab and dreary image of bridge. So I appeal to everyone, who wants to remove that label of " boring bridge raconteur", to adopt and use the following vocabulary :

Angle shooter - one who takes unfair advantage of another

Goose - a silly player

Blind robber - someone with a weak hand who forces his opponents out of the bidding

Good man - skilled cheat

Elephant - player who plays too many hands

Heavy - a big time player

Greenhorn - a new player

Guppy - a little fish

Hustler - a player who takes advantage of fooling opponents into believing he's weak

Jesse James - a bluffer

Grinder - someone who plays a slow, careful and extremely tight game

Needle artist - one who verbally angers another, often through sarcasm

School buddies - a group of players who always play together

Zombie - a player who seems to have no emotions

Shark - a ruthless, high proficient player

Automatic - someone who automatically raises the bidding every game, irrespective of his holding

Bear - an extremely tight player...never known to offer gifts of any kind

Bulldozer - player who raises too often

Jonah - player cursed with bad luck

Low man on the totem pole - player destined to lose

Bumble puppy - a clueless novice

Flat - a crooked player

Chump - a sucker

Dog - an underdog, someone favoured to lose

Clown - a dreadful player

Jackal - crazy, illogical and unpredictable player

Circus tent - a bunch of clowns at the same table

Squawker -one who complains about losing

Maniac - loose aggressive player who bids far too much

Horse - prone to make silly plays

Cowboy - a fast and reckless bidder

Hardrock - extremely difficult player to beat

Crier - one who complains a lot while playing

Mouse - someone who bids too conservatively

Culbertson - a bridge player who plays poker

Shirley - a timid player

Ear bender - an excessively talkative player

Quack - a noisy complaining player when losing

SFB - someone who has shit for brains

Speedbump - who who slows the game down

Table captain - a control freak at the table

Stiff - someone other players leave for dead

Retarded pit bull - won't stop bidding once he's got the bit between his teeth

Sheriff - someone who calls the TD to ensure the rules are adhered to

Coffeehouser - one who attempts to mislead opponents by table antics

Hollywood - a player whose acting skills can fool opponents as to what they hold

BRIDGE BOOKS LITTLE KNOWN BUT LITTLE GEMS..........( Says Pun )

• The Secret To My Understanding With Partner......Nona Furr-Yeres
• Conjuring Up That Extra Trick..............................Madge Ishen
• Changes I Need To Make, Partner........................Nappy Brown
• If I'm In A Bad Contract, I Always Panic................Al R. Mist
• Calculating The Odds..........................................Anna Lising
• Too Soon To Say We're Out Of The Running.........Earl E. Dawes
• Anyone Fancy A Rubber.....................................Johnny Forsayle
• I Need Points To Bid, Partner...............................Ivor Smallholding
• Stop Me If I Preach Too Much..............................Di A. Tribe
• A Life Ban's Looming, And There's No Way Back......Noah Peel
• Some Men Play Like Women.............................. Nancy Boyes

BIGOT IS LOST FOR WORDS AS AN 8 AND 9 COMPLETELY STITCH HIM UP....( As did Johnny Supremo )

This hand more than any other illustrates the importance of those intermediate cards, especially in a 7H grand slam contract which involved a squeeze coupled with a trump coup. The critical cards that enabled Johnny to pull off this contract were the 9 of spades and the 8 of diamonds. Dummy turned up with K9xx....x.....K8xx....Kxxx, opposite Johnny's Axx....AKQJ93...Ax.....Ax.

Bigot confidently kicked off with the Q of spades from his holding of QJ10...x....QJ109...Jxxxx ( his partner of course holding a troublesome trump suit in his 3-5-3-2 distribution ). Johnny took the opening lead in hand with the Ace. Next came the Ace/King of trumps, which revealed the bad trump split......and a possible heart loser. With nothing better to do at this stage, declarer played out the two minor suit Aces. Bigot who already under pressure was now down to J10 of spades, QJ10 of diamonds and 3 clubs to the jack.

At trick 6 , Johnny played the queen of hearts.....and Bigot was decidedly uncomfortable. A spade discard was out of the question since dummy's K9 looked good for 2 tricks. Throwing a club would enable declarer to play a club, ruff a club and establish a club winner in dummy. The 10 of diamonds was the lesser of all evils ( and so a club was thrown from dummy ). So at trick 7, it was a diamond that was played to dummy's King, with a diamond ruff back to hand......which of course set up the 8 of diamonds as a winner in dummy.

At trick 9 a club went to the King , with the 8 of diamonds coming next.......for either a spade discard.....or an over-ruff should East elect to play a trump. East did dive in with a low trump taken by Johnny's 9.

By this time the following 3 card ending appeared : Bigot J10 of spades J of clubs, while dummy held K9 of spades, and the 6 of clubs. So when El Supremo played the Jack of hearts felling East's 10, Bigot was well and truly stitched up.

Whatever he threw set up two winners in dummy to see the contract home. Never before have a seen a grown man wail.

A DEVIL OF A HAND................. ( A fantasy story as told to Bridgemeister Gibson )

South opened 1C on his 0-4-3-6 distribution. West with his 0-4-2-7 distribution now waited in both hope and anticipation that South would keep repeating clubs.......which meant for the time being he would elect to pass. North who was staring down at his 13 spades had no intention of giving the game away about this devilish distribution. So out popped a bid of 5S. West who was also staring down at his 13 spades could not believe his ears. This bid must surely be the most audacious and most outrageous psyche he had ever witnessed. Either that or North had completely lost his marbles. However.....there was just one other possibility......yes, there is as he recalled the very unusual, rarely used Dinkydonk convention. This allows North to make an immediate slam try by bidding the one suit he hasn't got, providing of course the other three are very strong indeed. Therefore, North must be agreeing clubs, asking South to bid 6C/7C dependent on whether he holds one or both top honours. East fearful of forcing North/South into bidding a saving ( and makeable ) 7NT decided on bidding a quiet 6S. Indeed, this bid could put the cat amongst the pigeons. However, everyone around the table , especially North, thought East had gone stark raving mad, and was in serious need of psychiatric help. A bemused South passed, but West was still thinking. He too had a dim and distant memory of the Dinkydonk convention. Yes, his partner cannot have a single spade in his hand, having a massive 3 suiter.............. which he's prepared to play in one of them at the 7 level ( despite South's opening 1C, which could be a prepared bid ). Best then to bid 7C and await developments. North, who had heard enough of all this nonsense bidding, decided the time had come to bid 7S. A flabbergasted but wary East passed in the certainty of collecting mega penalty points. And as soon as both South and West passed, East was scoring up his + 1300, while North was scoring up his + 1460.

And so to conclude this rather bizarre story, both North and East then claimed simultaneously " All the tricks are mine "........whereupon the argument immediately descended into an all-out brawl. With each going for the other's throat, it took all the efforts of 12 sturdy and concerned club members to keep them apart. Who the hell rigged this board no-one knows, but this devil of a hand certainly brought this night's duplicate bridge to a fiery and sensational end.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG............................

Dear Rebecca, I am thinking about producing a book based upon the stuff that has appeared on the blog bizarrebridgeworld. It would be a compilation of all my articles, along with Dr. John's case notes and Pun's frivolous fantasies. Please find enclosed a draft copy for you to read, and I would welcome your opinions and views as to its literary merit and market appeal. Yours a living legend, Howard Bigot-Johnson

Dear Bigot, I was quite flattered to be asked, but the book did not impress. It did very little for me. I can see you have tested the waters with your off-the-wall mad-cap blog, but you are fooling yourself if you expect the wider bridge community to ever consider adding such an abomination to their library collection. It would be an embarrassment to them. So allow me to make these observations.

The gruesomeness of Dr. John's case notes on bridge playing stereo-types ( with their appalling disorders and afflictions ) beggars belief. Far too many people will choose to view his material as complete psycho-mumbo-jumbo. Many will engage their self-denial defensive mechanisms to avoid seeing themselves in his diagnostic dialogue. Those that do recognise themselves will not be pleased or amused. Dr. John's articles represent the horror of all horror shows, and I can assure you that bridge players in general are a cowardly and squeamish lot. I ask you would a condemned man really want to know the precise details of what he will experience, when the trap-door opens, the rope tightens, only to find himself thrashing around in the air for just a few remaining seconds of his life. I think not.

As for Pun and his fantasy bridge stories, involving fictional and historical characters, there is far too much emphasis on lewd double entendres. The man must be depraved in some way, if not childish, and I can tell you that bridge players have no desire whatever to sit down with a book full of gutter humour. They are far more refined. And even when his puns are clean, they are usually predictable and limp.

So what can I say about your articles. Well, occasionally you do touch upon interesting and controversial issues, but the reader has a right to expect a balanced debate within the discussions, along with accurate and relevant observations. Your distorted and extremely prejudiced view of the game reveals a mind which is both dangerous and insane. You are the master of clap-trap, nonsense and lies. Most of your material is in bad taste, and people will not pay good money to buy a book contaminated by the rants and thoughts of a lunatic.

If such a book was ever made available in the shops for general consumption, it would ridicule the game of bridge beyond repair. I would doubt very much anyone buying such a book which clearly is the product of a warped and twisted mind. However, if you can find a publisher, who specialises in books on revolution, rebellion, anarchy and nihilism......you might have half a chance. Yours Rood as ever Rood

ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BRIDGE JOKES..........( Unearthed by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Frank, a rather dominating sort of bridge player, took his shell-shocked partner to the doctors. However, after his partner came back into the waiting room, Frank was completely bowled over when he was asked to go in and see the very same doctor .

" Your partner is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions to the letter, he will surely die :

1. Never point out any of his mistakes
2. Be pleased with him at all times
3. Don't burden him with conventions and bidding systems he can't understand
4. Always praise him at every opportunity he gets something right
5. Always give him words of encouragement whenever he falls down
6. Never in the discussion of hands lay the blame on his doorstep

If you can do this for the next few months, I think your partner will regain his health completely."

As Frank meets up with his partner outside, he is immediately asked " What did the doctor say ? "

With a mournful look in his eye, Frank repled : " He said you're going to die ."

ANOTHER NERVOUS BREAKDOWN........... ( A sad song adapted by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber........ from the lyrics of The Rolling Stones' classic number 19th Nervous Breakdown )

You're the kind of person

Who attends local bridge affairs

A sad and lonely loser

Seen crying on the stairs

Well, the sad fact is

You've never won in years

And though you try to hide the pain

Your eyes are edged with tears

So it's best you give up playing

If you know what's about to happen

Yes...here it comes, here it comes, here it comes, here it comes

Yet another nervous breakdown

When you were a mere beginner

You were in fact treated kind

But nothing you learned ever registered

Such was your hopeless mind

And though you tried to play the game

No partners ever stayed the same

No one could stand your lack of skill

And those who did were ready to kill

So for pity's sake stop.....and look around

For here it comes again...... yes another nervous breakdown

But I sense it's not you who should take the blame

You look like a man condemned by a curse

Nothing you did ever improved your game

The changes you tried your results got worse

'Cus I remember you in bridge school

Clueless and useless.....a total fool

You clearly had a messed up mind

But the teachers there treated you kind

And around that time I came along

To try and sort out your brain

But I never made any progress

You were driving me insane

So why torture yourself and others

You're destined to be a bridge clown

And with another score well below par

Here it comes ....here it comes.....here it comes

Your umpteenth nervous breakdown

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE COTARD DELUSION

The Cotard Delusion ( or more commonly known as negation delusion) is a disorder in which a person believes that he/she is dead, or does not exist for real or has lost his body parts or organs. This peculiar disorder is very prevalent amongst bridge players, who encounter traumatic experiences in the form of disastrous results and/or episodes of play. The trauma usually causes the brain to switch off for just a few seconds.....before they suddenly wake up believing they are dead........which is not surprising if they had been crucified by partner prior to the neurological blip. Victims of this disorder can not recognise the club as their club anymore, because they now believe they have been transported to another world. This of course is Satan's den.....Hades itself. Nothing can convince them otherwise. As more miserable and wretched scores are recorded, partners' ongoing tirades of abuse convince them even more of their plight. Comments like..." You headless chicken "........" You spineless wimp "......" You've got no balls "........" You're gutless "........" You're not all there, are you ? "......." You brainless moron "........" What's happened to the hand you were supposed to have "......... " Are you for real ? ".......... "I'm flogging a dead horse here" ......only reinforce their delusions. Often an sufferer will leave the club, whimpering under their breath " I 've had hell of a night " , totally convinced that he has been condemned to return to this fiery pit of duplicate bridge for the rest of his eternal life......such is the punishment imposed on any player who is extremely bad.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..................................................

Dear Rebecca, The recent articles by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber on cheating were a breath of fresh air. Far too little is said about a subject which remains a serious problem within the game of bridge. Thankfully however, cheats eventually get caught out and exposed, and in my view cheats never prosper. That fact I know to my detriment. Years ago my partner and I devised an illegal bidding system based entirely on body-functioning noises, so that by coughing, sneezing, clearing my throat, nose blowing,etc, I could provide him useful information regarding particular features about my hand ( and vice versa ). For instance a psychic spade was always accompanied by a throat clearing cough. We thought it was foolproof until that fatal day when we took part in a big competition. It was then my partner got a bad cold with uncontrollable symptoms. Needless to say, my head was put into a complete spin, and nearly every board we competed on resulted in a galactic bottom. Yours full of remorse, Shamus Tadeth

Dear Shamus, This letter came as a real shock, but thanks for being so honest.... and as it appears.... repentant. However, as illegal bidding systems go it was both dreadful... and doomed to fail. Cheating if it is be successful requires subtlety, inventiveness, variation, and finesse. Since most bridge players lack these particular skills, the risk of sophisticated, foolproof cheating systems ever being developed is almost down to zero percent. Yours rudely awakened by your revelations, Rood

IS THERE A NAME FOR THIS TYPE OF SQUEEZE, I MISSED ?........ ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

A few years back I was declarer in 4S. Partner's hand was Axx....x.....AJx.......AQJ109x, opposite my shapely but modest collection of KQJxx.......xxxx......xxxx.....(void). The opening lead was the King of diamonds, which was certainly from a KQ holding. But after stumbling my way to making 11 tricks ( the clubs breaking 4-3 with my RHO holding four to the king , and the spades breaking 3-2 ) , my partner who was a class or two above me in ability immmediately rounded upon me in no uncertain terms. Firstly, he pointed out we should have bid 6S, and secondly on the actual layout of the cards 12 tricks were cold.

Here was his play analysis. Take the opening diamond King with the Ace in dummy. At trick two attempt the running club finesse by playing the queen, pitching a heart if it is not covered. Then play the jack and 10 of clubs, pitching hearts while the king fails to appear. Should it appear at trick 3 or 4, ruff with the jack of spades. Now is the time to play 3 rounds of spades ending in dummy, whereupon the remaining clubs can be played off allowing all the losing hearts to disappear, plus one losing diamond.

So the 3 card ending is as follows: ( still in dummy ) with Jx of diamonds and one small heart, declarer is now down to one small trump and two small diamonds. But his RHO is the one who is in real trouble? If he has kept two hearts and the now stiff queen of diamonds, then a low diamond from dummy throws him in, allowing the last two tricks to be made by a heart ruff and the established jack of diamonds. If however he elects to keep two diamonds and one heart, all declarer has to do is play a heart from dummy and ruff.........leaving him to play diamonds towards dummy with absolute confidence , knowing the jack with either make at trick 12 ,or trick 13.

But is there a name for this type of squeeeze, where one opponent is fixed by virtue of whatever he does declarer can counter it, providing he/she can read the situation correctly. Something I had clearly failed to do that day......

CHEATING DOGS..........( part 3 )

In my final article I want to explore two or three areas of table behaviour, which is my view represents soft cheating.....but bizarrely regarded as "permissible".

The biggest issue by far involves partnership familiarity. If one player over time begins to develop an ability ( at the subconscious level ) to interpret every nuance and detailed mannerism of hisher partner, then that level of acute awareness can translate itself into knowledge.....and understanding of what to do. Successful decisions, when questioned by others, might well receive replies such as " I figured...", " I sensed...." and " something told me to...". Perpetrators with this gift of insight tend to equate this talent with table presence, years of experience and acquired wisdom, but in reality it is an ability to read partner like a book.

Indeed, it may be the case that some players have developed a 6th sense when it comes to always doing the right thing. Subconsciously aided by their partner's aura and behaviour, they certainly know when partner has a problem....and what type of hand causes such a problem. As an acol player I will always open 1H on a 4 card suit. Typically, after partner responds 1S my next bid is 2NT ( showing 17-18 ). But when partner now stops to think, I know he has a 3 card suit holding and is unsure of what game to be in. For those who have regular partners, there must be thousands of examples like this. Moreover, in any situation where feelings are communicated, there is always a great deal of information which is communicated with them.

So now let's move onto to unsportsmanlike behaviour. Surely, if this upsets or distracts the opponents to play their normal game, or not focus fully on what they are doing, then such behaviour secures an unfair advantage. Subtle forms of this unacceptable practice include players who set out to control the tempo of the bidding and play, in such a way as to unsettle their opponents. One motive behind "quick" play is to deflect defenders from thinking declarer has a problem. For less experienced defenders being psychologically pressured into playing at the same quick tempo denies them the essential time they might need to determine their best options. And what about slow play ? Whether it is intentional or not, stealing time is a blatant form of cheating. Often opponents are put under pressure to make up for time lost by making their bids, and carding decisions quickly.....denying them opportunities to make the best choices. Moreover slow players can frustrate their opponents to the point of utter frustration and annoyance. This certainly undermines their ability to really focus on the game itself. In fact any kind of unsportsmanlike behaviour can be viewed as diversionary tactics designed to unsettle the opponents, and disrupt their train of thought. In football there are many players to set out to get opponents sent off. This is done by "winding them up" at every opportunity, hoping their retaliation is an over-the-top sending off offence. Even if this tactic fails the wind ups may be sufficient to put them off their normal game.

So as I said at the very beginning of these short articles, cheating and cards have always been uncomfortable bed-fellows. Bridge remains the most beautiful and wonderful game in the world, but sadly one which is so exposed and vulnerable to cheating. To those who do it deliberately and knowingly, shame upon them. But similarly, to those who cheat without being aware they do so.....or if challenged remain firmly in denial.....then shame upon them too. So is table presence a gift ....or is it an ability to spot "a tell". And as for extreme forms of table behaviour, are they reflections of larger than life characters....... or ones who possess a few ulterior motives ? Who can really tell.......

( If anyone would like to air their views or opinions please to do so. I would very much like to hear them. )

CHEATING DOGS ARE OUT THERE....SOMEWHERE ( part 2 )

In my previous article the focus was on hard cheating, but now is the time to address the issue of soft cheating at bridge. Although this is far more common than the hard stuff ( which is good news), the fact it goes on all the time in every club the world over is I'm afraid bad news. The softer forms of cheating tend to be either unplanned and opportunistic acts, or ones which are seemingly innocent and inadvertent........but acts which nevertheless provide players with unauthorised information they are clearly not entitled to. Perpetrators here take advantage of fortuitous situations that occasionally crop up during the course of bidding and play. Similarly, perpetrators take advantage of reading the tell-tale signs that their unwitting partners give away ( albeit unintentionally) with their facial expressions, sighs and hesitations. On occasions we see unscrupulous players using their knowledge about the laws of the game to an unfair advantage against unsuspecting beginners. Choosing to capitalise on an opponents ignorance, and unfortunate mistakes, can only be viewed by anyone looking on as taking an unfair advantage. However, the forms of soft cheating which seem to cause the greatest concern are :

• allowing the opposition to score an incorrect result which is clearly not in their favour
• inadvertantly overhearing discussions and about a board but not disclosing this fact to your opponents
• " sandbagging " where an unnecessary pause before playing a card is done purely to persuade the opponent that you hold a particular card
• " coffee housing " opponents, using improper remarks, gestures, hesitations and the like to confuse or mislead them........such as hesitating with a singleton
• " fielding " bids when partner is known to psyche
• asking questions during the auction purely to alert partner as to your holding, or to provide clues as to a possible defence
• using extraneous or overt actions designed to frustrate or distract an opponent, often involving long stares, card snapping, finger drumming and feigned prolonged indecision over which card to play
• modifying or with-holding information given to opponents when asked to explain any system bid
• using your experience and knowledge of partner's mannerisms ( and habits ) to glean unauthorised information

Not all forms of soft cheating have been identified above, and in some cases the definitions provided may not be strictly correct, while others lack fuller explanations. However, the purpose of this second article was to stress the problems this form of cheating brings to the game. Not only is it a major headache for the adminisrators and tournament directors ( to detect and prove ), but it is a major irritant to all those players who play the game with honest intent. In my third and final article I shall attempt to explore the murky boundaries between soft cheating, an acquired 6th sense, and unsportmanslike behaviour.

" CHEATING DOGS ARE OUT THERE....SOMEWHERE ? ".... ( First of a series of articles by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Sadly, cards and cheating go hand in hand. This probably stems from the fact that the spoils of card games are wealth and fame, which many are prepared to sell their soul for. With much to be gained from winning at cards, certain win-at-all-cost players will resort to desperate and underhand tactics to turn the tide of results their way. Sadly, the opportunities for cheating at bridge are endless, which means the authorities in charge of the game have got to be viligant at all times, and committed to cracking down hard on those who are found to be guilty.

Cheating in bridge is defined as any behaviour outside those Laws, which are aimed to ensure players do not gain an unfair advantage over others. This may involve the actions of a sole player ( say, peeking at an opponent's cards ), partnerships, and even teams, Indeed, the gravest offence is for a partnership to exchange information through pre-arranged methods of communication other than those sanctioned by such Laws.

Linda Lee in one of her recent blogs ( Jan 14th) made a passing reference to players who have been known to signal by means of a pencil, hand and foot movements. Two days earlier Judy Kay-Wolff made two observations about crimes committed at the bridge table; (1) blatant pre-arranged cheating, (2) frequent unethical conduct via tell-tale hesitations, intonations or latent body movements. Well, I have looked long and hard into how cheating manifests itself in the world of bridge. And in this first article I shall be focussing on "hard" cheating, before moving onto the more subtle and perhaps inadvertant forms of soft cheating.

Hard cheating is clearly a direct and most obnoxious form of cheating in that it is blatant, unscruplous, and outrageous by any measure or application of ethical standards. One thing is for certain : the behaviour is both intentional and deliberate. Often planned from the outset, the perpetrators seek to create a permanent flow of opportunities, maximising their chances to secure an unfair advantage on each and every hand. Usually, the focus centres upon pre-arranged signalling methods and undisclosed bidding systems. These secret-coded messages and signals can be sent by a multitude of subtle facial/body language movements, which may involve highly significant time-delays, finger movements and/or positions, foot-touching, pencil and/or bidding card placements.......... to name but a few of the methods used. Developing a system where bids have a hidden but different meaning enables only one half of the table to obtain information, which should be made available to all. That degree of unfair knowledge can lead to significant unfair advantages, where winning becomesfar more likely given the reduced need to guess or play blind.

Other blatant forms of hard cheating include players deliberately peeking at opponents' cards, and eavesdropping on discussions elsewhere about hands just played. I can't help recall the time when an honest team-mate of mine jokingly said during an intercity match, that he was seriously disadvantaged when asked to play in the room with just a solitary table in play: he commented on the fact that he had no opportunity to hear what was being said about the boards on other tables. Peeking at the opponents' scorecards for earlier board results, or the way they sort their hand and the precise position of a card withdrawn from it, both add up to the same thing.........dishonest attempts to obtain information they are not entitled to, which of course provides them with an unfair advantage in relation to the rest of the field. Moreover, body language can easily be employed by defenders to signal for a particular lead or switch, which might not otherwise be made.

Some cruder forms of hard cheating involve score-keepers deliberately entering incorrect scores in the hope that unsuspecting opponents fail to notice. Similarily, if the opposition believe they have taken less tricks then they have, and this error was deliberately not pointed out to them, then dishonesty by omission can be established. Token shuffles can be a dishonest attempt to generate flat boards by a team, who by being well up at half-time are desperately seek to minimise the risk of big-swinging boards. But what is for sure is that man's ingenuity for cheating knows no bounds, and the determined cheat will always find new ways if old ones become too obvious or risky. One can only marvel ( in a perverse way ) at the cunning and inventiveness of the professional cheat.

BIGOT-JOHNSON : THE BRUTAL TRUTH

Have you ever wondered why others get what they want out of bridge.......be it glory, fame, status, money, successful careers, wisdom of the gods.........while you get nothing........destined to remain a no-hoper, a miserable failure, a regular no-goodnik ? Have you ?

Well, thousands upon thousands of you miserable no-goodniks have written to this blog's editorial team begging for help.......beseeching us to provide them with an endless supply of informative articles which offer guidance, instruction, and hundreds of helpful suggestions........but to what meaningful purpose ? Phrases like "pissing against the wind" and " flogging a dead horse " immediately come to mind. Yes, Rebecca and Johnny know that even as gifted teachers they can not convert numbskulls with cows' ears into silk purse players. Miracle makers they are not. So get real and face the facts. We have all been selected to play certain roles in this world of bridge, and your destiny was perhaps to remain faceless, anonymous non-entities........like the extras needed in a Ben Hur movie.

But please don't despair. You are valued. The game needs you as much as it needs the big celebrities. Remember it's you who help make up the numbers......it's you who provide the funds for big money prizes......and it's you who like fish in the barrel are there to be shot at. So forget any notions of getting more out of bridge. Just simply rejoice in what you have actually contributed to the game . Be happy in the knowledge that others welcome your presence. Wanting more out of the game is an impossible quest, which can only lead to heart-ache and pain. I and many others want you to stay as you are.......because for us there are huge benefits to be gained from preserving the status quo.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.............................................

• Escape suit : an item of clothing which enables you avoid the wrath of your team-mates, by means of a clever and cunning disguise. Now you can easily escape ( unnoticed) from the scene of your appalling crimes.
• Crack : what you would like to do to your partner's skull prior to him finding an escape suit
• EHAA : an acronym for Every Hand An Adventure, given the risk of really getting partner's dander up with your super light opening bids, thread-bare overcalls, and undisciplined weak-twos
• Closed room : a place where two team members sneak off to have an adulterous affair......or to practice their skill at making quick tricks
• Cold : the feeling you get after going off in a rigid contract
• Fast arrival : something that often happens in a closed room, when over-excitement build up
• Splinter bid : the only known method to become declarer with a singleton trump in each hand
• Rule of eleven : the inevitable trick total when you bid a small slam
• Reverse bid : a clever bidding technique where opening "one club" promises something completely different from " club one". Should you be using bidding boxes, the requirement here is to place the 1C card the reverse (opposite) way round to show a club one bid.
• Principle of co-incidence : if you have a tendency to over-or-under bid, but then end up with a partner who is completely opposite to you, the inevitable co-incidence of compensating errors might well provide you both with success

BRIDGE BOOKS ONCE READ NEVER FORGOTTEN...( By Pun )

• Bidding Without Fear And Inhibition........................Gay A. Bandon
• Bridge : Moving Forward The Old Fashioned Way......Orson Cart
• The Ultimate Bridge Gospel.........................................Evan Gellick
• How To Win By A Massive Margin............................... Alan Slyde
• Why I Didn't Play The Ace, Partner..............................Dinah Avitt
• If I'm Going Down For Cheating, Then So Are You...C. U. N. L. Foreshaw
• Killing Leads and Killing Defence..................................Eve L. Myndid
• To Get God On Your Side..............................................Neil Downe / Ann Prey
• Going For Glory....Or Bust............................................Orla Noffin
• Why I'm So Useless At This Game.................................Lois S. Team

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............................................

Dear Rebecca, I am writing to you because you are known to have a powerful voice within the ranks of those who run the EBU. It has occurred to me, for quite some time now, that the game is indeed controlled by men for the benefit and advantage of men. The degree of male chauvinism, which seems so endemic within the regulatory bodies worldwide, is best illustrated by the fact that all categories of masterpoint rankings all end in "master". This is a clear gender specific word, which suggests to the world at large that the notion of progression has only men in mind....not women. Could you please use your weight and influence to tell the EBU that all this club master, advanced master, regional master, premier life master and grandmaster gender-bias crap has to be scrapped immediately. Perhaps, as an alternative they could introduce non-specific, genderless categories based on (coloured) stars: white, yellow....through to black. This would be very much in keeping with the coloured belt rankings adopted in karate/judo. Yours, speaking on behalf of the new suffragette movement in bridge, Miss. T. Windows

Dear T, You have certainly raised an interesting point, which has certainly hit a chord with me. I too have felt very uncomfortable with the idea of having a ranking title with the word "master" in it. Therefore, it seems to me that the EBU could be running the risk of being charged with either sexist attitudes, or sexual discrimination against women ( for their continual non-recognition of the female gender in their masterpoint rankings. So yes, I will raise this issue with the EBU bigwigs, but in the meantime I suggest you obtain legal advice from the Equal Opportunities Commission.

Yours feeling quite forceful and masterly, Rebecca

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............................

Dear Rebecca, I am a transsexual. Or should I say, I'm midway through a series of operations to complete my change from a woman to a man. The reason behind this gender-change decision is purely down to one overwhelming desire of mine. And that is to break into the male-dominated elite of top class bridge players. It was obvious to me that as a woman the path that would get me into the top flight was strewn with numerous man-made obstacles. By becoming a man, I am convinced that I have a much better chance of gaining the recognition and acceptance I thoroughly deserve. Do you think I am doing the right thing ?.

Yours, not now a woman, Nora Mann

Dear Nora, In many ways I agree with your view of a male-dominated bridge world, and I also empathise with your frustration at being ignored and/or spurned by the closed ranks of top flight men. However, to undergo a sex change seems to me a rather drastic and extreme step to take. So do I think you're doing the right thing ?.....To be honest. I would say "no". I have for many years held the view that " I am so glad to be born a woman.....because if I were a man I would have to marry one ! ". Yours admiring your balls, Rebecca

FORESIGHT IS WHAT MAKES JOHNNY SUPREME..................................

The other day I watched Johnny play a few boards. Nothing spectacular...but Johnny is not that type of player. But he does have foresight. The hand he played to defeat 6H illustrates his ability superbly. ( Other declarers in the room had much easier times against weak and wooden defenders. ) But Mr. Foresight was on lead, and so he naturally kicked off with the king of diamonds from: (void)...K974....KQJ1083....K86.

In dummy he saw the following : J10753...Q52...(void)....AQJ104. Declarer took the first trick by ruffing in dummy. then came the queen of hearts, which was allowed to hold. Over to the ace of hearts, followed up by the jack, which Johnny was obliged to take. Based on the bidding ( and the play ) he knew declarer was also out of diamonds, and certainly held the Ace of spades. But what if declarer was holding 9x of clubs....and was allowed to get in with a diamond ruff to draw the outstanding trump......surely, it would be all over for the defence ( 5H, 5C, Diamond ruff, and1S ). Moreover, exiting with a low club was also futile if it allowed declarer to win with the nine. So what card did Johnny play ?......the King of Clubs of course ! He knew that declarer could not enjoy 5 club winners, unless he had 3 to the 9. So declarer would be forced to return to hand with a spade.....ooops.....slam is one-off.......because declarer did indeed have that 9x doubleton in clubs, in a 4-6-1-2 distribution.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...............................................................

• CHO : a slang term used for a partner who seems solely intent on aiding and abetting the opponents rather than you. So if you are up against 3 players, your partner becomes the Centre Hand Opponent.
• Closed Hand : a fist
• Deck : what you inevitably do to a CHO with a closed hand
• Echo : the sound which rings around your partner's head after he's hit the deck
• Cross : something one has to bear when required to play with a clueless partner (bumbledog)

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE DIOGENES SYNDROME

To fully understand this syndrome, I need to provide a bit of background about this particular man. Diagones was an ancient Greek philosopher, who lived in a wine barrel and promoted weird ideas of nihilism and animalism. Famously, when he was asked by Alexander The Great what he wanted most in the world, he replied : " For you to get out of my sunlight ! ".

This syndrome is a condition characterised by bouts of self-neglect, reclusive tendencies, and irrational hoarding of things. It is most common in old people, and is therefore associated with senile breakdown. Within the world of bridge there is, as we all well know, an acute problem of an ageing membership. Therefore, it is not surprising to see more and more instances of this syndrome cropping up, especially within the male half of this card-obsessed fraternity.

Far too many bridge playing men choose to arrive at the club in scruffy clothes, inevitably grubby and rarely ironed. They arrive early....and always un-noticed.....to take up the same table seats with their regular partners, who in most cases are fellow victims of this unusual syndrome. They rarely interact and engage with other club members, always making sure they leave the club as soon as the session has ended. They just simply disappear into their reclusive almost secret lives, until the following week when they spookily reappear at the club. Some sufferers have been known to buy countless bridge books over the years, which they hoard away never choosing to read them or pass them on. Bridge it seems is the only activity which takes them out of their homes, other than essential shopping and trips to the post-office ( to pick up their pension ). When I approached a sufferer at my local club and asked what I could do to help him, he simply replied : " For you to get out of my way....you're blocking my path to the door ".

WHERE DOES BEASTLY BEHAVIOUR IN BRIDGE COME FROM ?..................... ( Article by none other than the Professor himself..... the one and only Hu Chi Ku Chi man )

As an academic and avid researcher, I have pondered long and hard over this question, but all too often failing to reach any plausible conclusion. However, thanks to a learned colleague of mine ( who lent me a wonderful book on Pseudo science ) I am now convinced I have the answer. Although Victor Mollo and David Bird may have observed that many bridge players display animal characteristics, both had remained unbelievably oblivious to the connection with LYCANTHROPY. This is defined as "the act of transformation from a human into an animal". The term Lycanthropy comes from the Greek words for wolf (lukos) and human (anthropos). The Greeks had noticed that those participating in highly competitive events metamorphosed into hissing, cackling, howling, snarling, grunting, bellowing, shrieking, yelping, baying, snapping animals.......all known for their predatory instincts, aggressive behaviour, and an ability to instil both fear and terror upon their intended victims.

Indeed, Lycanthropy has been described in many historical writings, including the Greek classic Satyricon, Saint Augustine's 4th century work The city of God, not to mention numerous medieval accounts. Last minute research by myself has revealed that the best examples of recent lycanthropic incidents have all come from the competitive and claustrophobic arenas of the bridge world.

Early beliefs suggest that lycanthrops can wilfully and magically transform themselves into animals. But these were proved wrong when it was medically established that bridge competitors turned into animals involuntarily.........when exp[osed to cometitive arenas where colossal amounts of "collective" testosterone was in the air, fuelled by dangerously high expectations, and fierce determination to win. So when large numbers of players enter the cramped accommodation of bridge venues, driven by a combination of competitive zeal and superiority complexes, then it comes as no surprise that many will succumb involuntarily to such transformations. As soon as the animal personae takes over, feelings of animousity towards both partners and opponents quickly follow.

But why is the presence of lycanthropy so prevalent in the world of bridge? Well, for some players who regard themseves as superior, they quickly recognise that operating as a pack ( ie. in a team) hunting becomes not only easier, but far more enjoyable. By perceiving less able players as "rabbits" their predatory animal instincts become so overwhelming, the transformation is both immediate and unavoidable. Jungian psychology has always claimed that lycanthropy represents the emergence of the archetypal carnivorous beast, which manifests itself in sadistic behaviour. Every single human being has been found to have this archetypal beast lurking within his/her psyche, but as my research shows it is playing bridge that so easily brings out this predatory beast in man.

However, there is one theory that suggests that lycanthropy stems from mental illness. If that is the case then, it is no coincidence that bridge players with all their appalling and tragic psychological disorders, afflictions and conditions succumb to such transformations. Although Dr. John has identified countless disorders affecting bridge players in their thousands, he too has also failed to make the connection with this strange and disturbing phenomenon.

So is it possible for bridge players to develop symptoms well short of any full-blown transformation ? Well, there was a reported case at Wolverhampton BC where a 60 year-old member started barking, grimacing, and growling at partners and opponents alike, whilst vehemently denying that he had turned into an animal. But the consensus of opinion clearly favoured the view that lycanthrops do not have any awareness of self-change, or their newly acquire animalistic traits.

Hopefully, this article will help every bridge player who falls victim to such transformations to console themselves that their beastly behaviour is not their fault. It's the game of bridge which is responsible. More importantly, it might help others to accept and forgive those who are driven to behave aggressively and petulantly. The sad truth is beastly behaviour in bridge can never be eliminated because bridge clubs provide the perfect environment , or should I say den, for lycanthropy to rear its ugly head.

( For any readers who doubt the authenticity and accuracy of my findings, then I suggest they read the " Review on Lycanthropy" as published in the Jan 1989 edition of the Journal Of The Royal Society Of Medicine, written by T.A. Fahy of Bethlem Royal and Maudsley Hospital London.)

A WORD FROM THE MAN HIMSELF......................................................... ( Me, the Bigot ) This blog has now clocked up its 300th post, and I must say I am more than pleased with the interest shown in it to date. What with 2100 profiles views in just over 5 months, it just goes to show that quite a few blog-reading bridge enthusiasts who are at least prepared to see the world of bridge from another point of view...........and marvel at its limitless capacity to be both bizarre and absurd. For instance, the cluster map shows I have aroused quite a bit of interest in Venezuala, which in itself is rather strange.......but very heartwarming nevertheless. Anyway, to all those you have continued to check this site out and enjoy reading some of the stuff that appears, I thank you all. So coming up over the next few months will be another veritable motherlode of gut wrenching nonsense to turn your previously active, supple smooth bridge minds into something resembling compost heaps. Indeed, there is nothing on God's earth quite like Carp, Rebecca Rood, Pun, Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber and Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi.....gifted in their ability to produce insulting guilt-ridden drivel.... to render their readers completely speechless.

BRIDGE BOOKS : THE LATEST "MUST HAVE" RELEASES FOR 2010......... ( By Pun )

• Why Is It I Never Get To Play Cold Contracts ?............................Luke Worme
• Bridge Scandals : The Fishy Goings-On .....................................Ann Chovis
• Gorge Yourself On Bridge..........................................................Laurel Canyon
• Play Bridge................................................................................Ann N. Joy
• Bridge Celebrity Receives The Ultimate Accolade........................Oscar A. Ward
• The ABC Of Bridge................................................................... I. J. Kay
• Passive Bidding Is Losing Bridge................................................Mark Mywords
• When You're Really Up Against It..............................................Baxter Thewalls
• Painting Over The Cracks In Your Game.....................................Matt Finnish
• Here's A Few Bedtime Bridge Stories.........................................R. U. Reddy

REBECCA ROOD SPEAKS OUT...................................................................

Not so long ago I noticed an article on this blog where Bigot-Johnson for once made a valid point. This concerned the ludicrous way the EBU has set up a masterpoint ranking system. The absurdity of only moving players up an endless multi-rung ladder, basing their progress on how many green pointed events they attended, rather than on their final positions, beggars belief. Moreover, none of the ranks below grand master give, in my view, any true and accurate indication about the current ability levels of the players involved.

Well, the less said on that topic the better. However, this does lead me onto another major bone of contention I have with the EBU. Why, oh why, in God's name haven't the EBU shown any foresight, courage and wisdom to rank players instead in accordance with their psychopathic tendencies. Why this idea has never crossed their minds is completely beyond me, when they seem hell-bent to clean up the tarnished image of the game. Most ordinary players of a quiet, gentle, sensitive, warm and welcoming disposition have no interest whatsoever in knowing where their opponents are up the EBU ranking ladder.......but what they would like to know is whether or not they are in the presence of bridge psychopaths.....big and small.

So this is what I suggest. The EBU must devise a system of collating all club incidents of reported bad behaviour, along with their own reports from events run by themselves . This will enable a profiling data base to be set up where serial offenders begin to clock up a large number of penalty points. Points can be awarded for all manner of histrionics at the table......not to mention tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, rudeness, unpleasant behaviour, and other minutiae of weirdness, regularly exhibited by such anti-social and dangerous people.

Therefore, within months, the EBU can then impose on certain offenders the requirement to wear a BPR ( Bridge Psychopathic Rating ) badge, which initially will identify and certify all those with unpleasant psychopathic tendencies. But the best bit is that all badges will carry a number from 1-100 which represents in essence the severity of their condition. In fact the number might well correlate to the level of loathing and disgust that a badge-carrier could easily generate in others. Players would be obliged to wear their current ( up-dated) badges as a pre-condition of playing in any competitive event. Failure to wear a badge would, of course, invalidate their scores, and possibly their EBU membership. So whenever a BPR badge-holder comes to a table, the opponents will have a pre-warning of the potential risks of doing or saying anything untoward. This advance knowledge may help them to get through the set of boards unscathed.

Hopefully, these badges of shame will quickly bring about a complete culture change within this offending community. Moreover, the badge system could be extended to players of a delicate, fragile, and sensitive nature, who would wear their own TR ( Tolerance Rating ) badges. On these they could put their own number from 1-100 which reflects their tolerance level. As a result, high score BPR badge-holders will have to be on their best behaviour if they come across low score TR badge-holders. If any incident were to happen, tournament directors would quickly realise the seriousness of the situation: being the extent of one player's psychological vulnerability, as opposed to the extent of the psychological threat posed by the other. Indeed, the discrepancy between the two values will flag up and possibly expose the SC ( Shocking Conduct ) risk, which exists at that table. Quiet words by an observant TD passing by, before play begins, could nip any potential incidents in the bud.

Is anyone out there from the EBU listening......?

BIGOT-JOHNSON IN TROUBLE AGAIN : BC DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No.78...............................................Following a recent intercity match Bigot-Johnson was ordered to attend a hurriedly convened hearing to explain his outburst as the non-playing captain. With the match result in the balance, the penultimate board 31 proved a disaster for the team. Both the N/S pairs came back with -600 on their card after the opposition on both their tables bid and made 3NT. Then, when the two E/W pairs returned they too had -600 on their cards having suffered the same result. Bigot could not contain himself, and accused them all of being complete idiots for collectively allowing 3NT to be made on every table....... by all of their opponents. A transcript of the short hearing was as follows.

Committe chairman (CC) : " Do you accept Bigot you were a little rash with your conclusions, and that your outrageous histrionics were out of order ? "

B-J : " Yes, of course I lost it.....but wouldn't you. How on earth was it possible that on 4 tables, the opponents bid and made 3NT on this same hand...... in every direction...N,S,E and W. It had to be impossible....unless idiots were defending."

CC : But it happened.....and there is no defence available whatsover to defeat 3NT, irrespective of who is on lead and what card is led at trick one. If you had bothered to look at the hand instead of sounding off, you would have seen that for yourself."

B-J : " I don't believe you...... I need to see this hand ? " ( At this point Bigot is shown the hand which revealed the following layout:

• North: Q109.....A8765432....KJ.....(void)
• East: KJ....(void)....A876542....Q109
• South: A8765432...Q109...(void)....KJ
• West: (void)....KJ...Q109....A8765432 )

CC : " So given the perfect symmetry, we only need to analyse one declarer, to see how 3NT makes on any lead. Take South for instance. On a club lead from West, declarer will take the trick pitching a spade from dummy ( North) to unblock the suit. And with the club suit blocked South can now turn to spades by playing low from both hands. Once in, East can switch to clubs but only two tricks are possible in this suit for the defence. Again with East back on lead, he can only lead a diamond back. This allows entry to the North hand, and now the spade can be overtaken by South to rattle off 7 winners in this suit to make the contract. And should West lead a heart...or a diamond.......well, if it's the latter then declarer is able to unblock the hearts, and with both diamonds and hearts blocked for the defence, declarer has time to set up hearts and harvest 9 tricks. On a heart lead, declarer rattles off 3 hearts, before playing the Ace of spades and another. Now with a third spade as entry, he cannot be stopped from gaining access to all those lovely hearts in dummy. "

B-J: " Well, I never....so If any one of my players had got in a no trump bid ....and be allowed to play there..... then 9 tricks were always there for the taking."

CC : " Yes..."

BJ: " Well, all I can say is that my team of bumbledogs should have sacrificed in 4NT for a cheap -200 save."

CC : " Good point....but that observation doesn't alter the fact that your dreadful behaviour requires us to strip you of your captaincy, and impose a one year ban on you with respect to having any involvement in intercity matches. "

BJ: " Bugger......."

E-MAIL TO DR. JOHN FROM THE WALNUT TREE ALLOTMENT BRIDGE CLUB.....

• Dear Dr. John, I was really fascinated by your recent blog on the Scatalogica Turdis affliction. Boy, did it ring a bell. Why, even within our own club which has a very small membership indeed, we have someone who has this affliction big time. For instance, every time he enters the club on a Thursday night he asks the same question : " I've no partner.....are there are floaters standing by ? " We have never known this man to make a statement without some word or phrase of a scatalogical nature being present. So thank you very much at putting our minds to rest, as to why he behaves this way. Yours Ivor Rumpole

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SCATALOGICA TURDIS This strange unfortunate affliction is mercifully rare but tragically untreatable. Bridge players, who are predisposed to becoming victims of this disorder, all possess a tendency to be verbally volatile whenever aroused, or annoyed in any way. This distressing disorder makes them prone to using toilet language, without ever realising that they are doing so. They seem to go into an auto-pilot mode, where the sub-conscious takes over. And now quite bizarrely, every single negative remark they make is completely in keeping with someone with a cess-pit of a mind. Comments seem only to contain expletives that have a reference, association or pre-occupation with faeces. As yet no medical reasons can be put forward as to the reason why expletives have only this one common link, especially when the victims seem unaware of the language they are using. Explained by them as unintentional and coincidental faux pas, they seem surprised and horrified as everyone else by this discovery. But nothing seems to stop from spewing out statements of frustration and exasperation, such as:

• Shit...I really balls-ed that hand up
• All I keep picking up is crap
• This is a bum deal
• I hate bottoms
• Don't arse around against these two, partner
• I think I'll poo poo that idea
• That was a completely potty thing to do
• You need to push harder, partner
• It's easy to say with hindsight
• I want you to do two things: No.1.............No.2
• Oh yes, remember to log on....
• Please do...do as I tell you
• No, I'll remained seated here....I prefer stools
• I'm so fed up with my partner, I'm gonna dump him
• We're just behind the leaders

WHAT A MUPPET JOHNNY IS............................................( Article by Bigot-Johnson ) Joy upon joy....Bigot 1 Johnny Supremo O.....yes, finally I've managed to stick one on him.....or should I say my novice partner did. The crucial board that won us the club championship pairs was when my partner played in 4H against Johnny. As dummy, my hand was xx....AQJ....AKxx....A108x, opposite my partner's xx....Kxxxx....J109x...Q9. Normally, novice partners like him see 10 tricks by way of 1C, 5H, and 4D, should either the diamond finesse work or there's a stiff queen around. But no he didn't go straight for the finesse, because he had been reading Johnny's blogs on how to look for extra chances before resorting to such a speculative option. The opponents kicked off by taking the first two spade tricks, before switching to a heart which was taken in dummy. So partner decided to clear hearts first ending up in hand. Unbelievably, he had spotted a superior line of play, by electing to go for clubs. If West held the king, he would be obliged to cover the queen ( Ace from dummy ), leaving the nine to force out the jack. Then dummy's two established clubs would neatly get rid of two diamonds, for no losers in that suit. If the queen of clubs lost to the king in the East hand, then there's still a remote chance the jack might fall under the Ace ( if it started out as a doubleton ). Since the king of clubs was with West, the doomed diamond finesse was never taken, and partner rolled in 10 tricks by way of 5H, 2D, and 3C. Johnny had been hoisted on his own petard. What a muppet..........

MOMENTS IN BRIDGE WHEN YOU WANT TO CRAWL AWAY AND DIE.....( By Carp )

• Partner pre-empts (vulnerable) on a poor suit opposite your void
• You double a part-score only to see dummy ruffing your opening lead of an Ace
• Your opponents display far more knowledge about your hand than your empty-headed partner
• Partner removes your juicy penalty double, convinced it was for take out
• Partner passes your rescue " for mercy's sake please find another bid" redouble
• You end up in part-score contract after an uncontested auction.... only to see your opponents awarding themselves a top even before a single card has been played
• Having just replied to a 5NT bid to inform partner about your king holding, it suddenly dawns on you that bid was meant as a sign off
• By failing to play trumps when you had the chance, you allow the opponent with the singleton 2 of trumps to score an unexpected ruff
• Partner passes your splinter bid
• Your futile psyche has only encouraged partner to leap to slam.......only to see the opponents gleefully double.....but then a bigger disaster awaits you when your moron-of-a-partner redoubles !!

IT'S A HARD LIFE AS A BEGINNER.....................( Says Bridgemeister Gibson ) Countless amusing stories emerge from the bizarre world of bridge, but that's not surprising given the fact that millions of people play the game week in week out. So if all these people get through tens of thousands of hands in their lifetime, there are bound to be some comic tragedies played out that make for great story telling. One of my all time favourites involved a club expert instructing his pupil about a particular type of cue-bid: if the opponents open one of a major, then a cue bid over-call in that suit at the 3 level says: " I have a long solid minor, so if you partner have a stopper in this major.....bid 3NT ". When paired together a few weeks later, the pupil initiated that same bidding sequence, when he duly bid 3S over his opponent's 1S opener. The club expert with his spade stop bid a confident 3NT, only to find himself doubled and vulnerable..................going 6 off for minus 1700. He turned to his pupil querying the fact that all he had for his bid was the Ace of spades. " Oh, did I get it wrong. I thought you told me that 3S meant that if I had a stopper, you were to bid 3NT if you had a long solid minor ."

BIGOT-JOHNSON .......POETIC GENIUS.......OR WHAT ? Many bloggers include snippets from the world of poetry and literature to input a bit of style, culture and class to their otherwise predictable blogs. And I feel exactly the same....this blog needs to include material that will enable readers to appreciate and admire my poetic genius. So this is my debut poem.........a masterpiece by any criteria.......which I have entitled " This time I really had to put partner down for good ".

The bidding had stuttered to 4H

After much huff and puff

Then came a fatuous double

From a total and utter chuff

The man was off his head

His brains were made of fluff

My hand was bloody mega

And I knew I had enough

To redouble this foolish bid

Which surely was a bluff

But partner's face has lost its colour

Making 4H was way beyond tough

For he had opened ridiculously light

A psyche so useless so utterly duff

What minus 2200 ......I was ready to kill

I had to get vicious....I had to get rough

So first I gave him a thrashing

Before dishing out THE SNUFF