DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : SCATALOGICA TURDIS This strange unfortunate affliction is mercifully rare but tragically untreatable. Bridge players, who are predisposed to becoming victims of this disorder, all possess a tendency to be verbally volatile whenever aroused, or annoyed in any way. This distressing disorder makes them prone to using toilet language, without ever realising that they are doing so. They seem to go into an auto-pilot mode, where the sub-conscious takes over. And now quite bizarrely, every single negative remark they make is completely in keeping with someone with a cess-pit of a mind. Comments seem only to contain expletives that have a reference, association or pre-occupation with faeces. As yet no medical reasons can be put forward as to the reason why expletives have only this one common link, especially when the victims seem unaware of the language they are using. Explained by them as unintentional and coincidental faux pas, they seem surprised and horrified as everyone else by this discovery. But nothing seems to stop from spewing out statements of frustration and exasperation, such as:

• Shit...I really balls-ed that hand up
• All I keep picking up is crap
• This is a bum deal
• I hate bottoms
• Don't arse around against these two, partner
• I think I'll poo poo that idea
• That was a completely potty thing to do
• You need to push harder, partner
• It's easy to say with hindsight
• I want you to do two things: No.1.............No.2
• Oh yes, remember to log on....
• Please do...do as I tell you
• No, I'll remained seated here....I prefer stools
• I'm so fed up with my partner, I'm gonna dump him
• We're just behind the leaders