Dear Bigot, I have heard so much about your self-proclaimed prowess at the game, I felt compelled to contact you immediately. As a newcomer to bridge, I am looking for someone like you to be my mentor, as well as my partner. Should you be interested in helping me out in this way, I am more than willing to cover all your expenses. Please get back to me as soon as possible with your answer. Yours respectfully, Authur Brane
Dear Arthur, Yes, I am a man who prides himself at bringing on new players to develop their game to a competent level. Therefore, I am more than willing to take your money in return for being both your mentor and partner. However, this will only be possible if you are prepared to abide by the following terms and conditions, which are set out below:
1. You must on all occasions ( and there will be plenty ) to take all manner of criticism and abuse with good humour and grace. Sullen and sulky responses will not be tolerated, and any incidence of such will result in your name going into my little black book.
2. You must appear to be enjoying the experience of playing with me, even though the opposite may be true. Any whinges, whines, moans and groans must be suppressed and silenced. In the event of my hearing even the merest hint of any vocal dissent and/or dissatisfaction, then I'm afraid it is back to the little black book again.
3. You must always endeavour to let me play the contracts. In no circumstances must you ever introduce no trumps into the bidding first. Moreover, if you pick up a hand loaded with spades, you are to bid clubs first. Then, by failing to rebid clubs ( because this is your suit ) I can then summise that your hand does indeed hold spades . This will enable me to mention the suit first, irrespective of what my holding is, and thereby get to play the contract. Failure to follow these anti-hog bidding manoeuvres will certainly mean your name going into the book.
4. On the few occasions you do find yourself as declarer, you must set about the play of the contract with due care and attention. Should you commit what in my eyes are mistakes that are solely attributable to either (a) blind recklessless, or (b) crass stupidity, then retribution will be swift. Please remember that in the boot of my car I always carry a spade, a shot-gun, and detailed maps of all the local woodland areas.
5. You must completely ignore all the foul and ugly rumours that circulate around the club about my personality and behaviour. And especially ignore the malicious gossip about the whereabouts of my previous partners. Anything you hear will be nothing more than a pack of lies. Obviously, you are free to locate and chat to any ex-partners of mine, but this might prove to be a pointless exercise in that all of them left the club in strange and mysterious circumstances ( never to be seen again ).
6. As your sponsor, I shall give you my weighty expenses claim form on each thursday. Payment must be made in cash, and discretely handed over to me in a brown paper envelope by the following week. Failure to do so will of course incur punitive interest charges and/or fines, not to mention other opportunities for your name to go into that little black book of mine.
Anyway, I am really looking forward to taking you on board, confident in the knowledge that we can start off our partnership on a solid foundation of genuine understanding and respect. Yours the one and only, Bigot-Johnson
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