HOW TO MAKE BRIDGE SOUND MORE EXCITING......... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Let's get real. The reason why bridge appears to ordinary folk as a staid, sombre and serious affair is simply this: it is talked about by players in such a way as to bore most outsiders rigid. Not so with poker players who can make their game sound extremely exciting and hugely appealing. Of course, in poker the characters are intriguing, the stakes are high, the tension unbearable...and the drama spell-binding.....but its the language they use in their conversations, which helps make the game sound really good. The terms they use to describe each other are both colourful and imaginative.....terms which bring conversations alive.........terms which add imagery, humour and excitement to the stories. So until bridge players invent a vocabulary of their own, then nothing will change the drab and dreary image of bridge. So I appeal to everyone, who wants to remove that label of " boring bridge raconteur", to adopt and use the following vocabulary :

Angle shooter - one who takes unfair advantage of another

Goose - a silly player

Blind robber - someone with a weak hand who forces his opponents out of the bidding

Good man - skilled cheat

Elephant - player who plays too many hands

Heavy - a big time player

Greenhorn - a new player

Guppy - a little fish

Hustler - a player who takes advantage of fooling opponents into believing he's weak

Jesse James - a bluffer

Grinder - someone who plays a slow, careful and extremely tight game

Needle artist - one who verbally angers another, often through sarcasm

School buddies - a group of players who always play together

Zombie - a player who seems to have no emotions

Shark - a ruthless, high proficient player

Automatic - someone who automatically raises the bidding every game, irrespective of his holding

Bear - an extremely tight player...never known to offer gifts of any kind

Bulldozer - player who raises too often

Jonah - player cursed with bad luck

Low man on the totem pole - player destined to lose

Bumble puppy - a clueless novice

Flat - a crooked player

Chump - a sucker

Dog - an underdog, someone favoured to lose

Clown - a dreadful player

Jackal - crazy, illogical and unpredictable player

Circus tent - a bunch of clowns at the same table

Squawker -one who complains about losing

Maniac - loose aggressive player who bids far too much

Horse - prone to make silly plays

Cowboy - a fast and reckless bidder

Hardrock - extremely difficult player to beat

Crier - one who complains a lot while playing

Mouse - someone who bids too conservatively

Culbertson - a bridge player who plays poker

Shirley - a timid player

Ear bender - an excessively talkative player

Quack - a noisy complaining player when losing

SFB - someone who has shit for brains

Speedbump - who who slows the game down

Table captain - a control freak at the table

Stiff - someone other players leave for dead

Retarded pit bull - won't stop bidding once he's got the bit between his teeth

Sheriff - someone who calls the TD to ensure the rules are adhered to

Coffeehouser - one who attempts to mislead opponents by table antics

Hollywood - a player whose acting skills can fool opponents as to what they hold