BIGOT-JOHNSON IMPOSES NEW RULES UPON THE UNSUSPECTING MEMBERS OF THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRUDGE CLUB..............
1. No whistleblowing
2. No blowing coke
3. No major blow outs except in the toilet
4. No blowing one's top
5. No blowing hot and cold
6. No blow-up dolls to be brought onto the premises
7. No blowing up the premises
8. No blowing your own trumpet
9. No blow jobs on members
10. No blowing in the wind ( for answers )
11. No full-blown rows 
12. No blowing raspberries
13. No blowing hot air
14. No coming to blows
15. No blowing one's brains out
16. No blowing things out of proportion
17. No blowing anyone down with a feather
18. No huffs no puffs to blow the house down 
19. No blowing off steam
20. No blowing an ill wind THAT MIGHT SCREW US ALL UP

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S GUIDE ON WORMING YOUR WAY INTO THE CLUB'S FIRST TEAM.......
All too often you find yourself on the threshold of breaking into the club's first team, but as an outsider the door is locked. You are not one of the chosen few, because let's face it well established friendships and loyalties run deep. But there is a way in ......and this guide ( full of key advice ) will enable you to unlock that door. Indeed, your moment of destiny may be just around the corner, providing of course you follow my instructions to the letter....
1. Start the process off by only partnering good players who are well capable of lifting your average
2. Ditch these players as soon as possible for better players, claiming the previous lot were holding back your progress
3. Unearth all the dirty washing you possible can regarding the lives of those who are heavily involved in the selection process
4. Make these people aware of your inside knowledge but make it  also known that you are very trustworthy and discrete
5. Never suck down : only suck up
6. Believe in the power of bluff and master the art of faking sincerity
7. Lie whenever you have a good chance of getting away with it
8. Expose, frame, and eliminate those players who are just ahead of you in the selection queue
9. Sponsor lesser known but cracking good players whenever, and wherever, possible
10. Select Congress venues where the fields are likely to be weak, therefore guaranteeing you loads of easy greenies
11. When rubbing shoulders with the club's elite, join in with their laughing and joking , and win their affections, but remember to choose the right moment for a bit of impresive name dropping  
12. Write a bridge blog, to sit along side those of the world class experts, aiming to set up a meaningful dialogue with them
13. If necessary, write up imaginary interviews with some of the world's most revered most  bridge celebrities in order to consolidate your global reputation 
14. Get yourself voted onto the club's committee, taking up a key post or position which allows to influence ( and change ) the way the selection process is carried out
15. Take up ( and practise ) the dark art of hypnotism
16. Constantly make connections, and open up channels of communications, with people who are (a) really important and (b) unbelievably gullible 
17. Always make your yourself heard and highly visible  
18. Use your increasing power base on the committee to appoint new " sensible, open minded " people " onto the panel of selectors
19. Volunteer yourself ( or one of your minions) to chair this revised panel
20. Once  your selection to the first team is made and confirmed,  you must then maintain that high profile,  by standing tall at all times,  and walking around the club full of self-importance, arrogance and conceit    

EUPHEMISMS COMMONLY USED AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB.........
- The club is moving forward :  accelerating downhill towards oblivion
- Members must pull together : put up and shut up
- Thought leadership : brainwashing
- Very approachable : one has to grovel
- Team player : compliant and obedient
- Not a team player : arrogant, unpredictable maverick
- Proactive : interfering busy body
- Reactive : quick-tempered, easily provoked
- New dynamic team : as useless as all those they replaced
- On our radar : we know all about you
- It's come to our attention : our spies have told us
- Club faces big challenges : we're doomed
- Committee gives 110% : works its socks off to cover its tracks
- Disciplinary hearing : Spanish inquistion
- We welcome your views : hearing is one thing, listening is another
- Best practice : strict, inflexible, uncompromising requirements
- Robust committee members : likely to crack under pressure
- Ordinary club members : irrelevant riff raff
- That 2% : the proportion of the membership who can't be duped, bought or bullied
- Club has ambitious goals : its mission statement is embodied in its name
- Our revered chairman : the devil himself ( Bigot-Johnson )
- Student members : potential block voters

BRIDGE BOOKS TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR NEW YEAR..... ( Recommendations by Pun )

• How Come You've Stopped Playing Bridge ?...........Benjamin Knightley
• Cheaters Never Get Anything Past Me.......................I.C. Hall
• Most Members Like To Come In The Back Way.......Ria N. Trance
• My Bridge Success Is Down To One Thing................Jean E. Lamp
• Putting Him Into The First Team Is A Risk..................Willie Copewell
• We're Well Ahead Of Our Nearest Rivals...................Clair Bluewater
• Continuous Improvement In Bridge..............................Kay Zenn
• Who The Hell Has Taken My Sitting Seat ? ...............Goldie Locks
• How I Made It To The Banbury Cross Congress .......Rhoda Whitehorse
• The Bridge World Is Full Of Thieving Cheats..............Ali Barber  

PARTNER STRESSING YOU OUT ? : BIGOT HAS A CALMING SOLUTION......
No matter how well you are playing,  your idiot partner just sits there converting potential tops into galactic bottoms. You are at the end of your tether. Frustrated to the point of going insane,  you are ready to explode. Your stress levels are off the graph. However, your immediate concern is that this kind of acute stress will activate your ulcers, possibly forcing you to give up the game which has become your life.
Clearly, the risk of developing a serious mental problem becomes all too apparent. You're well on the way to having a serious nervous breakdown. Yet, something can be done to settle your nerves,  and to deal with all that mental anguish and pain. Indeed, I have nicked a superb stress-management technique that will remove all those negative emotions.....and return you back to a state of  tranquillity, calmness, contentment and bliss. By following the 4 steps listed below,  you can be absolutely certain that partner-induced stress can be eliminated on the spot, enabling you to play out the remainder of the session in a positive frame of mind.......
1. Picture yourself beside a stream on a beautiful sunny day
2. Listen to the birds twittering in the trees, and the soft whisper of a warm and pleasant breeze. Nobody knows of this secret place, this perfect retreat, this wonderful sanctuary......a  paradise created and designed in accordance with all your hopes dreams, and wishes.
3. You are in total seclusion, away from the insanity and chaos of the bridge tables.
4.  But now listen to the gentle sound of the stream, filling the air with its soothing babble. Cast your eyes down at the nearby rock pool..... so clear and blue....so pure and clean.... you can not help but see the bulging eyes of your bastard partner you're steadfastly holding down under the water....... as he fights in vain for breath
And once you sense that total stillness ......a new stress-free person can now return to the reality of the world of bridge    

MORE CLASSIC EUPHEMISMS FROM THE WORLD OF BRIDGE : WHAT THEY SAY BUT WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN.... ( Article by Carp )
- An resolute chairman : a little Hitler
- A thoughtful player : a procrastinating bastard
- A versatile player : resorts to cheating when necessary
- Been playing for years : well past his sell-by date
- An ideal player for your  team : certainly not good enough for ours 
- A visionary player : takes wild punts
- An ideal candidate for the committee : can be trusted to turn a blind eye
- The teachers here are not that bad : a case of the blind leading the blind 
- Not a bad loser : resentful and peevish
- A temperamental and unforgiving player : will kill you at the drop of a hat
- A succcessful AGM : dissent replaced by dejection and apathy
- An encouraging turnout : nearly two full tables

BIGOT'S CONSCIENCE GETS PRICKED BY GUILT AND SHAME........ ( Another nearly true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bigot had always thought that Edith had a reasonably contented life as his stay-at-home wife. However, soon after she died he began to question whether or not he had been a decent and caring husband, given the colossal  amount of time he spent playing bridge down at his local club. 
Worried that the answer might possibly be " no" , he set off to visit a well known psychic to see if he could contact her. The psychic went into a trance, and a strange breeze wafted through the darkened room. Then Bigot heard the unmistakeable voice of his dearly departed wife.
" Dearest Edith ", he cried,  " Is that you ? "
" Yes......my husband it is ", she replied.
" Are you happy ? "
" Yes....surprisingly so. "
" Happier than you were with me ? "
" Oh yes....my husband........without doubt. "
" Thank God for that ..." cried Bigot, " ....so heaven must be an amazing place after all ? "
" Oh no.....", said his wife , " I'm not in heaven......"

BRIDGE ADDICTION : ANOTHER AMAZING NEARLY TRUE STORY ABOUT BIGOT-JOHNSON.............. ( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

For someone nudging 64 , Bigot-Johnson had the image and appearance of a fit and healthy young man. He always walked with a spring in his step,  looking full of energy and vitality. One night, when Bigot was propping up the club bar, one member was so taken back by his youthful countenance, he felt obliged to ask Bigot about his secret to eternal youth.
" Bigot .....I find it hard to believe you are 63. From the shape you are in I would have said you were nearer 35. How do you do it ? "
" Simple...it's all down to lack of rumpy pumpy....and a healthy living style. You see early on our marriage my wife and I argued bitterly, each and every night  I told her I was off to the bridge club. Inevitably, the argument came to an abrupt end when I was thrown out of the door, only to hear the sound of a turning key and sliding bolts........"
" I see " said the bewildered member, " but how does that explain your good health and Peter Pan looks ? "
" Well...for the past 40 years........I've never had the chance to overdo things physically......but the main reason.... of course... is that I've spent most of my life permanently outside in the fresh air "         

BRIDGE v. CHESS : SO WHICH IS THE MORE CHALLENGING GAME ?........ ( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Many people would say chess offers the greatest challenge in a world of so many excellent mind sports. Certainly, it is a purer game than bridge in that it that the loser only has himself to blame. Defeat has nothing to do with luck, or any other outside random factor : defeat is the direct result of being out-thought and out-manoeuvred by a more skillful opponent.
However, there is no disputing the fact that bridge players face far greater challenges, having  so many more obstacles to overcome before victory can be assured. By having these additional challenges the game becomes a more demanding mind sport, which is turn makes it the hardest and best game in the world. Indeed, the obstacles listed below require bridge players to possess far more than superb technical card skills, if they are to succeed at the highest level.....
1. Developing a perfect partnership understanding where it is essential that both players are  thinking and on operating on the same wavelength 
2. As declarer having to overcome the combined brainpower of two opponents ( not just one )
3. Utilising an ever growing body of past information and inferences about the bidding, and play of the cards, to re-evaluate your very next move
4. Being a victim of undetectable cheating,  both of the soft and hard variety
5. Being a victim of the random injustice when a TD's discretionary rulings going against you
6. Playing like a true champion but getting  poor results simply because of the insanity of what is happening elsewhere in the room
7. Being undone by players who are far inferior, as for instance when they secure an undeserved top by their gross under-bidding
8. Never being able to build or capitalise on an early success,  in that the opponents are always back in the hunt with everything to play for on the very next board
9. Having to cope with a greater level of background noise and distractions
10. Having to overcome and deal with partner's mistakes along with your own
So, in my opinion, any one who wins at bridge, playing fairly and honestly, have done so by not only being good technically adept players,  but as heroes who have overcome all other challenges. Bridge, unlike chess, is a like huge battlefield, where there are so many things that can  (and will ) go wrong,  and where there are so many  factors and/or circumstances  beyond one's control. In chess a player can see everything that is going on right there infront of his eyes..... all the remaining pieces.....  and where each could possibly  be moved. In contrast, a bridge player needs to working out how results might unfold elsewhere in the room, and  always having to make decisions when never quite certain of what is still  lurking in an opponent's armory, or what their next play will be. Indeed, it is the expectation of the unexpected that makes bridge the best and most challenging game in the world today.

BIGOT-

JOHNSON

PLEADS

WITH

PUN

TO

COME

UP 

WITH

MORE

BIG

IMPACT
HEADLINES
.........

SURVEY

REVEALS

" BAD

BRIDGE "

READERS

HAVEN'T

GOT A

CLUE

ABOUT

THE GAME

...BUT THEY

WHOLE -

HEARTEDLY
AGREE THAT

THE MAGAZINE

SURE MAKES

THEM LOOK

GOOD !

DRINKING SONG - A FESTIVE FAVOURITE AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( to the tune and rhythm of The 12 Days of Christmas )
                  .............................
               On the night of the Christmas party
                            it was  all too plain to see:
                                
                            Twelve Members Fiddling
                            Eleven Rent Boys Blowing
                              Ten Gaylords Grooming
                                Nine Ladies Trumping
                                  Eight Maids Alluring
                                 Seven Poodles Panting
                                 Six Ganders Squawking
                                     Five Brown Rings
                                     Four Rough Shags
                                     Three Quick Terns
                                        Two Great Tits
                          and a Partridge Up A Bum Tree
                                         
                                                
                                            
                                          
                                         

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND THUNDERING BIG WHOPPERS........ ( Article by Carp )

Bridge players are renown for their exaggerations. hyperboles, little white lies, and the occasional fibs, but some go all the way with outrageous whopping big lies. Euphemism has its place in attempting to soften the blow of harsh and uncomfortable truths, but when an absolute falsehood is being made they can be no justification for it whatsoever. So here is my list of the 20 biggest porkies ever to come from the mouths of truly accomplished liars.....
1. It's always a pleasure to partner you......
2. Take this as a mild criticism....
3. Of course, I respect your judgement...
4. I promise not to get onto you....
5. I'm glad you rang, I was just going to call you....
6. I'd love to buy you a drink, but I haven't any money on me....
7. It doesn't matter if you make a mistake....
8. I'll not mention this " cock-up" of yours to anybody....
9. You can trust me....
10. I was magnificent.....
11. Listen partner, I know what I'm doing.....
12. I'm so sorry....I've double-booked......
13. I always have what my bids promise....
14. I swear to God I'll stick to the system....
15. I'm not one for bearing grudges....
16. It's not my fault....
17. No way did I hesitate then....
18. I didn't hear a thing said on the next table....
19. It's not me who's slow....

20. That wasn't meant as an insult...  

LAW REPORT  : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON (2012 )

( The courtroom was deathly quiet as Bigot-Johnson strode in to take his place in the dock. The world's press were all in attendance to witness the biggest case ever to come to the Old Bailey in years. Bigot, as usual, decided to defend himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Prosecuting Counsel (PC) : The accused, Bigot-Johnson, is an evil monster whose evil and wickedness is beyond all imagination

B-J : I object to these defamatory remarks 

PC : M'Lud, the facts, as your Lordship will come to appreciate, are not in dispute in this case...

B-J : Yes, they bloody well are....

PC : This low-life apology for a human being has...... ever since he took over the running of the Slaughter House Bridge Club....made 43 attempts to take away the poor Percy Pantopod's life.......43 attempted murders....so I ask you....how can any one like that be allowed to run and manage a respectable bridge club ?

B-J : Excuse me.... but the Slaughter House isn't respectable !

Judge : What....43 attempts ?......Is the man a psychopath or a first rate bungler ?

PC : Both

Judge : And are these 43 attempts all similar in their modus operandi?

PC : They are exactly the same M'Lud in that Bigot knew that Percy had a very weak heart,  which could fail at any time if he was agitated, over-excited, or rattled in any way..... any kind antagonistic behaviour , which would cause him to blow his stack, to make his blood race....even  boil or explode ! Therefore,  the accused set about insulting Percy with the most provocative, defamatory..... or dare I say....inflammatory.....abuse, which  his sadistic, bitter and twisted mind was more than capable of dreaming up 

Judge : Did no one question Bigot's intentions at the time ?

PC : Oh yes...very much so....but they always received the same stock answer...." I was only joking "

B-J : I was....I was

PC : Well, if you were only joking....Percy Pantopod never got the joke...

B-J : Too right he didn't...the man's a moron

Judge : Well...Bigot...if you failed to get him to appreciate the joke behind all this vitriolic and vile abuse you heaped upon him.....on  each of 42 previous occasions.... then why persist with a 43rd attempt ?

B-J :  I'm not one for quitting.....

Judge : An admirable quality.....but it seems to me your intent may have been far more sinister given Percy's delicate heart condition

PC : Yes....these devastating psychological and verbal attacks.....were never intended as jokes..... Bigot wanted this man dead.....it's his mission in life....his overwhelming obsession

B-J : Might I be allowed to point out... that if you were to read the things I've said over the years to Percy....you would surely see that not only are my observations about him colourful and witty......they are so gross that the presence of sarcasm is patently obvious, which suggests that even an imbecile  would interpret a meaning completely opposite to the literal meaning of the words used.......hence it can be proved I was only seeking  to compliment this man, who is too much of a buffoon to appreciate the subtle joke in the absurdity of my phrasing, clever choice of antonyms and sharp irony 

Judge : A rather obscure and unusual approach to show respect for someone......

PC : What on earth are you saying M'Lud ?

Judge : Well, it seems to me....there is no evidence of criminal intent......only an illogical, if not pathetic and warped,  intent to use sarcasm to praise a fool, who happens to have a weak heart....and one who clearly doesn't know what sarcasm is.....and on that basis I am bringing this case to a close.....

B-J : Hoorah....does this mean I'm a free to continue with my quest.....

Judge : Oh if you must..... since I cannot allow a person's freedom of speech to be undermined by sentiment....

B-J : Thank you your honour..... and oh yes.....a cheque is already on its way

PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI EXPLORES HOW A BRIDGE PLAYER'S ATTITUDE CHANGES OVER TIME........

When people first take up bridge they arrive at the club with enthusiasm, open minds and a honest desire never to judge others unfairly,  simply by focusing on their own mistakes . But as the years pass by their attitudes change, and eventually they start to display all the characteristics associated with grumpy old people : bitter, twisted, intolerant, impatient, cynical, complaining, cantankerous, awkward and unforgiving.

Indeed, my detailed research breaks down these attitude changes into 7 sequential stages, as listed below :

1. Uncritical acceptance of others

2. Wild enthusiasm to learn more

3. Dejected disillusionment over lack of progress

4. Total confusion over analysis of any problem hand

5. Transference of blame onto others ( as self-denial sets in )

6. Manic desire to punish all those declared guilty

7. Gradual withdrawal from the game before complete abandonment

BIGOT- JOHNSON

STICKS TWO

FINGERS

UP AT THE

ESTABLISH-

-MENT BY

TAKING

BRIDGE

INTO

THE

REALMS

OF

DARKNESS,

DEPRAVITY

AND

DEMONOLOGY

..........

" BAD

BRIDGE "

CELEBRATES

ITS

25th

EDITION

DESPITE

CRITICS

TEARING

THE

MAGAZINE

INTO

SHREDS

.........

.......

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : INREVOCATUS CONSOLIO

The time has come for me to talk about a condition so terrible, I simply refuse to treat any clients who have been diagnosed with it. Although this psychological disorder will affect only a few players , every bridge club will encounter this problem. For anyone cursed with inrevocatus consolio, he or she is compelled to heap untold misery, irritation and annoyance on those they choose to target.

Once the symptoms really take hold, nothing stops them dishing out unwanted advice. Sufferers completely delude themselves that the advice is of great value, and will be most appreciated. As a result they lavish great dollops of it on all those they feel will surely benefit from such pearls of wisdom. Strangely, there is never any intent to earn praise or reward, because it is the thought of being considered wiser than anybody else that drives them on.

Without exception, victims of this disorder end up receiving nothing but derision and ingratitude. They are unable perceive or recognise any negative response ! No matter how many attempts are made to impart wisdom onto others, their observations are repeatedly slagged off as irrelevant and insupportable.

However, nothing can stop them in their quest to enlighten those who seemingly play the game in abject ignorance with total lack of foresight. Their interjections are therefore seen as both necessary and vital, and any protestations about their irritating and annoying opinions are simply dismissed as " misplaced and misguided ". Indeed, a battery of " intro's " have been used as a means of worming their way into other players' private bridge discussions. Classic " butt- ins " such as :

- Excuse me ......

- Sorry to say, but you are wrong.....

- might I be allowed to make an observation.....

- I think my opinion could shed some light on this matter....

- if my experience counts for anything.....

- although I'm a little long in the tooth, I do know something about bridge....

- take a friendly hint from me.....

- I feel I need to correct you on this particular point....

- I couldn't help overhearing, but....

- however averse I am to offering advice, I consider it my duty to comment here....

- it is certainly not my right to comment, yet at the same time, there is a need to correct a wrong...

- how on earth did you manage to overlook this ?......

-oh dear, you have clearly neglected caution here ......

- you ought not to have done that.....

- I think my opinion is needed here

The list of unwelcome interjections seems endless, but since these poor afflicted souls perceive themselves as know- it- all gurus, it has become impossible to bring them down to earth as grounded people. As clients, they are hell to work with, as they constantly bombard me with advice on how to do my job properly ! The idea that they have a problem, or that their advice is flawed by a shocking combination of appalling ignorance and breath-taking arrogance, is completely alien to them. So not only will these delusional predators remain in constant self-denial, but they will always be there, waiting to pounce, the next time you go to the club.

EVEN MORE BRIDGE BOOKS FOR ROY TO RAVE ABOUT........ ( Says Pun after his visit to Newcastle-under-Lyme & District BC)

• The Committee It Seems Dislikes Him Intensely............John Diss
• I've Never Seen Two Players Argue Like That......Barney Allwright
• Hurling Bridgemates: Now That's A Hanging Offence ! .....Sue Watt
• In The Meantime You Are Suspended.........................Seth Who
• Listen, I'm Going Where No One Can Find Me..............Heidi Hole
• That Kibitzer's Always Looking Over Her Shoulder...Seymore Brest
• Why's That Woman Looking For A New Partner ? .....Herman Lefter
• They're After You Partner, Tell Me What To Do ?.........Ward M. Hoff
• How To Play Tricks On Unsuspecting Opponents........Dick Puller
• I'm After A Partner To Go All The Way With..Linda May/ Sally Forshaw

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SHOCKING REVELATION....... ( A secretly recorded conversation set up by the devious and cunning Percy Pantopod )

Percy : Bigot....it does seem odd ....almost incongruous in fact..... that you .....a nasty, hard-nosed, ultra-aggressive, mean spirited bridge player...... have taken up a job as a senior nurse in charge of an intensive care unit at Bawtry Hospital

Bigot : Hmm...now you've brought that fact to my attention......it does seem odd

Percy : So what on earth possessed you to become a nurse when you know yourself to be a cruel, heartless, sadistic bastard......who sets out to make every one's life a misery......especially those who happen to be sitting at the same bridge table as you

Bigot : I must admit I do get a perverted kick out of seeing people suffer........but that's all down to the abuse I received as an incarcerated child at the orphanage

Percy : Well, let's not delve into that.....I want to know if there are other ....more positive.....reasons why you took up nursing ?

Bigot : Well....think of the opportunities I have.....each and every day..... to flirt with young, fresh-faced, highly susceptible, incredibly vulnerable, female nurses

Percy : Yes....but please jesting aside.....I want to know the real reasons for taking up this very rewarding job, where patients are brought back from the brink of death to be re-united with their families and friends ?

Bigot : Yes....you're right......the job offers me so many good things.....the challenge, the teamwork, the sense of responsibility.......erm....helping people get better, and the job satisfaction that comes with that.....the benefit from building up great nurse-patient relationships......and owww.....the drugs I get free access to..... those wonderful, uplifting, mind blowing drugs.......owww, there is nothing quite like the euphoric experience I get from these multi-coloured magical pellets......each one a tiny pharmaceutical miracle....... and owww.......the sheer intoxicating bliss......of being able to float...... to fly through the air.....such indulgence....and all on a chemical diet.....made in heaven.... there on hand...... to fulfil all my pleasure and enlightenment needs

Percy : I've think I've got enough......

Bigot : Enough of what...

Percy : Evidence....to get you into some very serious trouble......

Bigot : You bugger....