( The courtroom was deathly quiet as Bigot-Johnson strode in to take his place in the dock. The world's press were all in attendance to witness the biggest case ever to come to the Old Bailey in years. Bigot, as usual, decided to defend himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )
Prosecuting Counsel (PC) : The accused, Bigot-Johnson, is an evil monster whose evil and wickedness is beyond all imagination
B-J : I object to these defamatory remarks
PC : M'Lud, the facts, as your Lordship will come to appreciate, are not in dispute in this case...
B-J : Yes, they bloody well are....
PC : This low-life apology for a human being has...... ever since he took over the running of the Slaughter House Bridge Club....made 43 attempts to take away the poor Percy Pantopod's life.......43 attempted murders....so I ask you....how can any one like that be allowed to run and manage a respectable bridge club ?
B-J : Excuse me.... but the Slaughter House isn't respectable !
Judge : What....43 attempts ?......Is the man a psychopath or a first rate bungler ?
PC : Both
Judge : And are these 43 attempts all similar in their modus operandi?
PC : They are exactly the same M'Lud in that Bigot knew that Percy had a very weak heart, which could fail at any time if he was agitated, over-excited, or rattled in any way..... any kind antagonistic behaviour , which would cause him to blow his stack, to make his blood race....even boil or explode ! Therefore, the accused set about insulting Percy with the most provocative, defamatory..... or dare I say....inflammatory.....abuse, which his sadistic, bitter and twisted mind was more than capable of dreaming up
Judge : Did no one question Bigot's intentions at the time ?
PC : Oh yes...very much so....but they always received the same stock answer...." I was only joking "
B-J : I was....I was
PC : Well, if you were only joking....Percy Pantopod never got the joke...
B-J : Too right he didn't...the man's a moron
Judge : Well...Bigot...if you failed to get him to appreciate the joke behind all this vitriolic and vile abuse you heaped upon him.....on each of 42 previous occasions.... then why persist with a 43rd attempt ?
B-J : I'm not one for quitting.....
Judge : An admirable quality.....but it seems to me your intent may have been far more sinister given Percy's delicate heart condition
PC : Yes....these devastating psychological and verbal attacks.....were never intended as jokes..... Bigot wanted this man dead.....it's his mission in life....his overwhelming obsession
B-J : Might I be allowed to point out... that if you were to read the things I've said over the years to Percy....you would surely see that not only are my observations about him colourful and witty......they are so gross that the presence of sarcasm is patently obvious, which suggests that even an imbecile would interpret a meaning completely opposite to the literal meaning of the words used.......hence it can be proved I was only seeking to compliment this man, who is too much of a buffoon to appreciate the subtle joke in the absurdity of my phrasing, clever choice of antonyms and sharp irony
Judge : A rather obscure and unusual approach to show respect for someone......
PC : What on earth are you saying M'Lud ?
Judge : Well, it seems to me....there is no evidence of criminal intent......only an illogical, if not pathetic and warped, intent to use sarcasm to praise a fool, who happens to have a weak heart....and one who clearly doesn't know what sarcasm is.....and on that basis I am bringing this case to a close.....
B-J : Hoorah....does this mean I'm a free to continue with my quest.....
Judge : Oh if you must..... since I cannot allow a person's freedom of speech to be undermined by sentiment....
B-J : Thank you your honour..... and oh yes.....a cheque is already on its way
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