Friday, 9 December 2011

( In this historic landmark case Bigot-Johnson stepped up to the plate to challenge the decision by the Club's disciplinary committee to expel Nicholas Auld, for his soul destroying shenanigans, fiery temper and other nefarious antics. Claiming that the expulsion was wrongful, Bigot was seeking reinstatement for his client. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below .)
Defence Counsel (DC ): Your client... Bigot...... was banned because he intimidated and terrorised many of the club's more fragile, sensitive, and delicate members. Whenever he arrived at their table , these poor souls cringed with fear and acute anxiety.
B-J : My client may have his faults, but he is nothing more than a grumpy old man with attitude..... in fact most bridge clubs are full of his sort....
DC : No.....he is far worse than that....
B-J : Are you suggesting that he is a demon ? .........A devil ?
DC : No....I am not suggesting he is a devil....simply that he is The Devil !
B-J : mean that Auld Nick here is the Devil Incarnate.......Old Lucifer the flesh......Are you stark raving mad ?
DC : Yes....that is my claim
B-J : Well, where the hell is your evidence ?
DC : Can't you see those two horns protruding from his head ?
B-J : Oh those....they're nothing but a couple of overgrown skin tags which have hardened off in the sun....
DC : And what about the fact that there is this number 666 found on his scalp ?
B-J : I'm sorry.... but that is nothing more than a 999 tattoo in dedication and respect of the emergency services
DC : So please explain to me..... his red slit eyes ?
B-J : Firstly, my client hasn't been able to sleep for ages, hence the bloodshot nature of his eyes.....and secondly, one of his parents was obviously of Chinese stock
DC : And the pointed ears ?
B-J : He's a big fan of Star Trek, who has tried to model his facial features on Spock, the Vulcan
DC : Well, let's get down to the fact that he appears to have goat's hooves !
B-J : Ah...I knew you would come to that......Well, poor Auld Nick was born with deformed club feet, and a weird passion to wear furry boots no matter what the weather .....or what the occasion
DC : So please explain to the court why there is no record of his birth
B-J : He was abandoned as a child because of his deformity....
DC : But there is still the matter of why your client constantly witters on about his encounter with Jesus Christ on Mount Sinae ....
B-J : Oh....I'm not aware of that.....
DC : Any one with half a brain can see that this man must be The Devil
B-J : Well, you've had your say...and now it's mine. Expelling my client from his beloved club is not only a breach of contract..... but it is also a breach of his Human Rights
Judge : But we've just established he isn't human !
B-J : Oh dear.......The Human Rights Act was the main platform on which I was planning to build my case
Judge : Not any more it isn' therefore I conclude this trial is at an dismissed
B-J : Bugger......

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