I have always thought how much bridge partnerships should model themselves on tennis "doubles " players. Clearly both partnerships can only succeed when they have developed a superb understanding between each other, where both players work as a team, operating on the same wave length and backing each other up to the hilt.
Somehow tennis duos have recognised the benefit and advantages of geeing up one another, offering mutual support and positive encouragement after each and every point........irrespective of whether it is won or lost. But for bridge partnerships, it seems the opposite is true. Whenever they make the required number of tricks, it is always taken for granted that should happen. If on the other hand the trick count is less than it should have been, then it is time for accusations and serious recriminations.
So for all you nasty sorts out there who adamantly refuse to give up bollocking partners, here are some the best tips going on how to give your partner a right good bollocking :
- Always work yourself up into a complete frenzy first
- Never allow things to lie
- Use a tone of voice laced with anger, rage, disbelief and despair
- Make dramatic symbolic gestures, such as ripping up your scorecard or kicking your foot against the wall
- Always use your loudest voice when other people are gathered around
- And if others are present then try to look particularly cut up, aggrieved, and distraught, especially if you are seeking their sympathy and support
- Be relentless in your pursuit of getting partner to improve his/her game
- Recall all the other occasions the same errors were made
- Refer to the " Little Black Book " you keep to record all his/her misdemeanors , but pointing out it has now become a much larger one
- use imaginative and highly original insults, which are as biting as they are amusing to those listening in
- Keep on repeating any condemnation or criticism in order to hammer home the message
- Better still, always carry a hammer on your person because this can add real impact should you feel impact is warranted
- Never fire off one barrel if two can be fired off simultaneously in a simulated shotgun attack
So yes, never do things by half measures. If partner deserves a bollocking then give him or her one to remember, because in life you have to do things right.....right?