( As more and more reports emerge from the bridge club from hell, Bigot Johnson soon found himself up before the Crown Court on several blasphemy charges. When the police raided the Slaughter House BC following complaints of loud noises, gut wrenching screams, lewd behaviour and table brawls , the chairman could be heard effing and blinding about his atrocious luck, and that God Himself had become the victim of his vitriolic abuse. A short extract from this amazing trial appears below, with Bigot as usual conducting his own defence .)
Prosecuting counsel (PC ) : Just look at that hideous, vile, depraved man sitting there in the dock.....not only is he a sinner but a blaspheming one at that !
B-J : I object.....these accusations are nonsense.....for Pete's sake, there's no such crime as blasphemy.....this now defunct law is consigned to the past....
PC : I beg to differ....
B-J : Listen .......years ago blasphemy was considered a crime because it was held to be a denial of Christianity.....Indeed, simple minded people took the view that blasphemy was going to shake the fabric of society, believing that Christian religion was the very thing that was holding it all in place. But look around us today.....society is going to the dogs.....it's not in danger .... because it's already in the gutter. The offence of blasphemy therefore is a dead letter.
PC : So what if Christianity is on the wane.... blasphemy applies to all religions....and in the hallowed arenas of bridge clubs around the world, players believe in God.....and worship the game He created. Whenever finesses, end plays, and squeezes come off, you can sense the rejoicing that takes place in the name of the Lord. Players whisper to themselves " There is a God...Thank you God....Thank you for your gift of wisdom and this unexpected top ".
B-J : Bollocks...
PC : Moreover....every bridge player I know looks to the heaven for inspiration......taking every opportunity to get the prayer mat out to ask God for just one more teeny weeny favour. To deny them the existence of their benevolent God would turn their world into one of eternal darkness, misery, chaos, confusion and despair.
B-J : But bridge players are all bloody heathens.......obsessed with cards, racked with superstitions, and plagued with heaven knows what mental illnesses....
PC : Might I point out that believing in God.....any God..... is the fundamental right of anyone to worship who he or she wants. Bridge players as a social group need to believe in a Greater Being, for their own sanity and well being. If God predetermines their destiny they feel so much better about losing and making crap decisions.
B-J : Well then , can it not be the case then that I too am allowed to exercise my right to freedom of speech.....and slag off God because he is never on my side and always does the dirty on me. If a finesse works for an opponent then that is always bad news for those it succeeds against.
PC : I've heard enough of this claptrap......for you need reminding that Lord Scarman upheld the crime of blasphemy in that....... any statement, spoken or written, which contains any contemptuous, reviling, scurrilous or ludicrous matter relating to God, Jesus Christ, or the Bible (in your case The Orange Book ) is blasphemous......especially if it couched in obscene and intemperate language. To put " Jesus Christ ! " next to " Fuck ME ! " in the same outburst is , in my opinion, going one step too far. To blame ..... or to assign blame....to those who revere His generosity and the miracles He performs......is a crime, especially when you are the one at fault.
B-J : Oh....
PC : Moreover, one could argue that since bridge has become a religion in its own right, it is abhorrently wrong to remark that " bridge is doing my bloody head in ".....especially when so many others see the game for its abstract beauty, and its never ending fascination and challenge.
Judge : Yes Bigot ...you have a foul and putrid mouth....and an unholy contempt for anything that is good and godly. Thankfully, we still have blasphemy laws to deal with the likes of you...
B-J : But hold on there...If I'm created in God's image, then He can't be that pure and good ?
Judge : You've got a point there...
B-J : And if God is such a caring individual, then how come their is so much misery in the world, and so many miserable sour-faced bridge players ?
Judge : You're beginning to win me over....
B-J : And if God preaches virtues like equality.....then how come He allowed his own Son to recruit all men as his disciples......doesn't that smack of a sexist attitude and discrimination against women ?
Judge : Well, I'll be damned....you're right. Hell's bells Bigot....I'm with you all the way on this one..
B-J : So is that it ? Am I free to go ?
Judge : Indeed you are.....
B-J : Thank The Lord God that's over.....now I can get back to what I love doing most...
Judge : And what's that ?
B-J : Blaming anyone .....real or imaginary......for my poor scores and table misfortunes......but never myself of course....
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