BRIDGE BOOKS TO MAKE YOUR HAIR STAND ON END..... ( or so says a frazzled Pun )

• I Owe My Bridge Success To One Essential Skill.................I. P. Callotte
• Playing Tournament Bridge Without Breaking The Bank.......Honor Shoestring
• Purging The Club Of Undesirables Has Only Just Started.....Darrell B. Moore
• So At Long Last You've Finally Nailed Puppet Stayman........Penny Dropt 
• My Partner Has Completely Lost His Staying Power...........Drew Peacock
• I Need To Speak To You Partner On An Urgent Matter.......Candice Knott-Waite
• One Of The Greatest Bridge Stories Ever.............................Peter Andy Wolfe 
• What Are Those Two Idiots Doing In Our Team ?.................Laura Lynn Hardy
• There's No Justice In This Game Of Bridge...........................Nadia Seymour
• Watch It You Riff Raff I'm An Officer In This Club....................Lou Tennant
• Don't Let Your Committee Bully You Into Submission...........Stan Yerground 
• Wrongfully Expelled ? You Need A Good Lawyer..................Anna Turney

BIGOT-JOHNSON ....NEVER A MAN TO BE PUT DOWN OR PUT OFF

THE NORTHERN PRO REVEALS HIS SHOCKING SEXIST ATTITUDES......

BIGOT FIGHTS ON.............

( Desperate to avoid expulsion at his disciplinary hearing , Bigot introduces another philosophical argument to help win the day...... ) 


B-J : This hearing is rigged against me ......none of you are listening to what I have to say
C : Not so.....we see ourselves as attentive ,  open-minded and impartial individuals ...keen to see justice done
B-J : Like hell you are.......you are all damn disciples of fallibilism !
C : What's that ?
B-J : Don't you numpties know anything about philosophy ? Fallibilism is a theory presented by Pierce describing enquiry ......such as the work undertaken by the Initial Investigation Committee......as an activity generated by a state of unease, aiming of course to attain a state of rest through finding the right answer to a question. 
C : And what question was that ?
B-J : How to fit me up ! .....Something which they successfully achieved in their report, which described my utterances as " threatening behaviour "......" defamatory " .... " and totally offensive "
C : Oh....
B-J : But....might I add....that rest is never assured , since no one can know ( a ) what fresh evidence might present itself to necessitate a change in position ....and ( b) what consequences might follow from arriving at a false set of conclusions about my so called inappropriate utterances
C : Oh dear....you may have a point here
B-J : Oh dear indeed !

BIGOT PUTS THE DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE FIRMLY IN THE PICTURE......

( At a recent disciplinary hearing at the Walnut tree Allotment Society BC headquarters , Bigot found himself at risk of being kicked out of the club , because of his ill-advised , abusive remarks to a rather officious TD . A short extract from the hearing's transcript can be seen below . )


Chairman : Bigot....we on committee have had enough of your foul-mouthed utterances , which continue to upset TDs and other members in this club. What do you have to say for yourself ?
B-J : Why don't you ignorant numpties wise up a bit.....have you never read Ayer's Language, Truth and Logic......written in 1936 ?
C : No...... I haven't,,,,,,,,but what has this piece of work to do with your case ?
B-J : Well , it might help explain and justify my alleged misconduct. You see.... it's all to do with the boo-hooray theory , which is the apt and widely employed nickname given to the view that any utterance..... which can be described as evaluative......is morally justified.
C : I don't understand......
B-J : That's because you're a numpty.....so allow me to lay it on the line. All my utterances..... I agree.....do tend to use colourful and explicit terms.....but they do not set out out to state facts. Instead they contain only evaluative elements . These utterances therefore cannot be defined as defamatory or malicious......because like ejaculations they simply express the reactions of the person at that precise moment in time. So when this toe-rag of a TD refuses to reprimand an opponent .....who was clearly guilty of cheating by his timed hesitations.......then my immediate reaction was to call him a...."  sycophantic nonce "......" despicable creep "..... and " arse-licking pervert " .......all evaluative comments which were nothing more than knee-jerk responses of a man in a highly distressed state. No harm was ever meant or intended.
C : Oh.....that's a very interesting way of looking at things....
B-J : Indeed it is....

( Later on at the same hearing )

C : I still can't get it out of my mind that you were bang out of order making those abusive remarks......shocking ,outrageous opinions which you should have kept to yourself......not to be broadcasted in a loud, offensive way so that the whole world could hear them as well.
B-J : But I believe in being honest.....and open... not to suppress my true emotions and feelings. Unfortunately , I am a slave to my conscience.....and when my conscience tells me to do or say things , I respond accordingly...
C : I don't understand why.....
B-J : Yet again....you show yourself to be a complete numpty. So it seems I must now explain to you what having a conscience is all about. It is the holding of a firm conviction that some action.....such as telling TDs  that they are failing to do their jobs properly.....is morally obligatory. Whenever a wrongdoing has been committed  I , like many other good people , believe that all moral beliefs and arguments provide powerful,  over-riding reasons for taking a stand against all perceived forms of injustice. To challenge the wrongdoer and to condemn his/her actions is a matter of conscience. Indeed , my conscience compelled me to expose the TD's ineffective control of cheating within the club, and biased favouritism towards certain individuals. 
C : So what you are saying then is that conscience represents the voice of God ?
B-J : Yes....at last you're beginning to see the light
C : But how can you know what morality God preaches ......say in bridge-related matters.... to act as spokesman for the Lord's opinions ?
B-J : Some of us are blessed with finding ways in which to receive God's wisdom, advice and guidance.....and I can tell you..... LSD is one of them ! Anyway , what God has told me is this ......" Man should be excused from blame for following his conscience , for even if it has erred , then by definition he was still trying to do his best " . And believe you me I really went out of way to do my best.....and to make all my utterances truly evaluative ! 
C : Hold on there....surely the social consequences of your beliefs , and these awful abusive utterances , might somewhat be limited by the equally controversial claim that the extended boundaries of free speech are too extreme to be conscienciously held ?
B-J : Oops......I think you've got me there....bugger....bugger.....bugger

BIGOT'S MEMORY  IS PUT TO THE TEST.......

AN UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING NEARLY TRUE STORY....by Bridgemeister Gibson

On night , as I was on the way to my local bridge club , a small invisible leprechaun dropped from an overhanging branch onto my shoulder. This magical creature then told me that anyone who told me a lie tonight would be punched in the face and sent sprawling.
Believing all this to be a figment of my imagination, I dismissed this creature from my mind as I sat down to play bridge with my partner.However , on board 4 my left-hand opponent opened one spade, and in a flash my new found acquaintace jumped off my shoulder onto the table to throw a punch, which sent the psycher crashing the floor. 
After the commotion subsided with no one ( least of all me ) able to explain what happened, no further incidents occurred until board 19. During the auction I inquired as to what an " alerted " bid meant. The answer I was given was clearly incorrect, and so the leprechaun was at it again , knocking this particular liar out of his seat with a thunderous uppercut. For a second time onlookers were shocked and perplexed as to what was happening and why. 
Then came the last board of the evening, when my hapless and hopeless partner made an appalling lead of a heart against the opponents' 3NT contract. So when this contract made with an overtrick , I asked my partner what on earth possessed him to make such a dreadful lead. Eventually , he muttered two words......" I thought....." but before he could say anything more the leprechaun jumped down onto the table for a third time to land yet another fearsome punch. 

Truly a man of his word.   

THE NORTHERN PRO TRIES TO EXPLAIN THE ART OF GOOD DEFENCE......

WHAT EVERY CLUB NEEDS IN THEIR CONSTITUTION : AN ARBITRATION CLAUSE TO RESOLVE INTERNAL DISPUTES.................... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Voluntary associations often draft inadequate Constitutions, oblivious to the possibility they could become embroiled in bitter internal disputes , which then lead onto litigation and court hearings running into six figure sums. However , if an arbitration clause was present, being an essential part of the agreement between all members , then any unresolved dispute between a member and the committee would automatically go to arbitration. With both sides having agreed to accept the arbitrator's ruling , the specter of a prolonged , costly and unnecessary litigation process can be banished for good.
The obvious problem that an arbitration clause solves is one of ignorance on the part of the committee , whose members are likely to know very little about the rules of natural justice , let alone the precise legal requirements , which guarantee that the procedures laid down in the Constitution are correctly and properly followed. Paying lip service to laid down procedures is not the same as implementing them with integrity and good faith. Therefore , if mistakes are made then qualified , completely impartial arbitrators are more than likely to pick them up and correct any wrongful decisions made : all at a minimal cost, and within a very short time-frame.
Also , whenever there are highly charged emotions , the chance of rationally and soundly resolving disputes under the existing methods of dispute resolution are both unrealistic and unlikely. Adding to this improbability is the robust position of the association’s management committee. The management committee here is at the forefront of disputes and their position is supported by their qualified power and control over and in handling all disputes within a private and protected sphere. This private sphere provides the opportunity for dominant individuals to project their personal agenda and to protect their self-interests, which is not always altruistic. This private sphere coupled along with the power and control also offers the opportunity for the dominate committee members to hold meetings outside official meetings to decide the fate of a member by influencing others. Such conduct within a voluntary association does falls outside the spirit of the association’s purpose and is unacceptable. A member would feel powerless in this situation and to bring some fairness to the situation there needs to be a check point where management’s powers are not exceeded. 
Whenever both parties elect to go down the road to a courtroom resolution , costs just escalate far beyond the damages one party may be seeking from the other. Moreover , the litigation process is emotionally crippling , causing deep concern and stress to all those involved. There will be no winners except the lawyers. Clearly , the arbitration option saves both sides from financial ruin and nervous breakdowns. Indeed , all voluntary clubs should dwell upon the succinct observations expressed by Lord Woolf :  “....our present system ..... is too expensive in that the costs often exceed the value of the claim; too slow in bringing cases to a conclusion and too unequal; there is a lack of equality between the powerful, wealthy litigant and the under resourced litigant. It is too uncertain: the difficulty of forecasting what litigation will cost and how long it will last induces the  fear of the unknown.” Moreover , Walker J had this to say about why clubs should ever allow themselves to get sidetracked into pursuing courtroom resolutions:    “Charities  solicit donations from the public ... in the expectations that donations will be well spent on furtherance of the charity’s purposes. Even for a lawyer it is a difficult mental feat to recognise this very expensive litigation as helping the diabetics whose subscriptions and gifts will be the ultimate source for payment of the lawyers’ bills.” The same argument applies equally to say bridge club members , regarding what priorities their subscriptions and table monies should be put towards.
Reading the case law regarding the expulsion of members one can clearly see how individuals end up painfully investing so much of their emotions, their energy and their time to achieve an end to the dispute through litigation , none of which can ever be recovered. Therefore all voluntary associations would be well advised to take more care and attention to managing and resolving internal disputes without seeking recourse to the courts.
Prevention makes far better sense than pursuing a pipe-dream cure , and ADR is the perfect way to prevent both parties from acting like fools , willing to take lemming-like leaps of faith in a dark financial abyss.  

( The following suggestion for an arbitration clause reads as follows :

All unresolved disputes arising out of , or in connection with , a member’s legal challenge to decisions made by the Club committee and/or the Club's internal appeal panel shall be finally settled under the Rules of Arbitration ( see appendix ) , by one or more arbitrators appointed in accordance with the said Rules.

This clause has been said to contain the three “key expressions” for an arbitral clause – “All disputes”. . . “in connection with”. . . “finally settled”. The term “all disputes” encompasses all types of controversies, without exception. The language, “in connection with”, creates a broad form clause that will cover non-contractual claims such as tort and fraud , while “finally settled” indicates the parties intend the arbitrator’s ruling to be final so a court will not try the case de novo. )

THE NORTHERN PRO ANSWERS A TRICKY QUESTION....

NEWSFLASH : SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB FACE EXIT FROM DIVISION ONE OF THE INTERCITIES

THE NORTHERN PRO IS HOISTED ON THE HORNS OF HIS OWN PETARD 

The bidding :       W           N           E            S 
            2H       P       4H    4NT
                      5C   Double     5D     6D
                      6H      P       P       6S !
                      7H      7S   Double    P
                       P        P      P


 ( Result :  Nowhere to go down 12  vulnerable )

BIGOT DWELLS UPON PARTNER'S PROMISE WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS.......

NEWS FLASH : THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEE ENCOUNTERS ANOTHER CRISIS 

" Which bloody idiot forgot to bring along the elephant pooper scooper !  "  

BIGOT REVEALS HIS TRUE COLOURS...... namely black and shocking red

JUSTICE ....CAN IT EVER BE ACHIEVED ? 
( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

As with any abstract concept definitions are numerous and varied. Generally terms of reference are needed , but the words used in any such terms are themselves open to alternative interpretations and differences in meaning.
In all aspects of life when wrongs have been committed corrective and/or retributive justice is called for, demanding both reparation and punishment proportionate to the damage inflicted. Clearly , a fixed penalty approach ( as in zero tolerance policies ) can never fulfil the requirements of justice, since one needs to take into account all the background circumstances, as well as the intentions and motives of the accused. If identical scenarios rarely exist then why have identical penalties and outcomes. Each case has to be judged on its merits no matter how time consuming that might be. For instance , unlawful killing of a person should never give rise to a murder charge , when the accused was only acting in self-defence. 
When punitive justice is handed out the differences in opinion as to its appropriateness depends of course from whose perspective is involved. Society's as a whole ? The victim's  ? The offender's  ?  Whose views should take priority , and can these views ever be reconciled ?
As Gibran once pointed out we are jointly guilty of another's person's crime in that we are all members of a society that helped determine and shape the accused personality and behaviour. A heartless society breeds heartless people. So as a consequence society is responsible for the crimes committed by bitter, poisoned and desperate victims of that society. Therefore the actual victim of a robbery say, who is also a member of that society ,  must take on board some responsibility for his own misfortune and pain.  
For me justice requires the equal treatment of equals , and campaigns for justice should be campaigns for equality for previously disadvantaged groups. Since all individuals are not relevantly equal, attempts must be made to discriminate one group from another , so that compassionate justice can prevail. However, within that group the only distinctions which can take place must be based on the particular circumstances of the case....but not on who that person happens to be.
Not so long ago a former long serving member was permanently excluded from the club for making joking remarks about the application process.  But this was not justice when one considers the temporary ban handed out to a member who committed a serious assault on another. The reality appears to be that when personal prejudice and bias enter the room , justice simply flies out the window.   

ANOTHER SKETCH FROM THE THEATRE OF THE ABSURD................

( The scene is the club bar room after the duplicate session is over . Two distraught and dejected members exchange their innermost feelings about their appalling night at the tables. )

John : That's it......I've had enough.....so I'm sorry to say partner ...... I'm finished with this bloody infuriating game for once and for all
Paul : I know exactly how you feel . I don't know why we waste our time playing a game that serves up so much injustice. Every week we come back with a wretched score card which pushes over national grade rankings down even further 
John : Well, I'm definitely calling it day....so it's best if you find yourself another partner
Paul : I'm not bothering.....my game is never likely to improve....and what's more I'm dead certain that no other member will want to partner me 
( At this point Paul walks out of the club , but not before ripping up his score card and throwing his membership card into the waste bin . Seconds later another club member walks into the bar room. )
Rex : What's up with him ?
John : He's giving up the game.....he's done with bridge and looking to take up line dancing
Rex : So does that mean you have no partner for next week
John : You could say that....
Rex : Well, I'm looking for a partner for tomorrow night....I don't suppose you're available ?
John : Oh....well as it happens I am free....so yes....I would love to partner you for a game

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY ....... ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

• Whoever said all men and women are created equal never joined a bridge club 

•  You can always recognise a bridge player, for only he or she can turn a minor  disappointment into a catastrophe and a small mishap into a crisis 

•  All too often lady bridge players end up with self-proclaimed Mr. Rights only to  discover  that they share the same first name.... " Always " .    

THE ELEPHANT HAS HIS DAY IN COURT......


Lawyer : So let me get this straight......you attended the club's AGM with over a 100 members present.... but no one saw you ?
Elephant : That is correct
Lawyer : And you sat in the middle of the room and made several trumpeting noises which no one heard ?
Elephant : Correct.....
Lawyer :  That is truly remarkable ! 
Elephant : Well, it's happened many times before
Lawyer : I'm completely lost for words
Elephant : Me too......

LAW REPORT : LADY PANTOPOD  v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2014 )

( As the purge in the Slaughter House BC gathers more momentum ,  even those with landed titles are now victims of Bigot's anti-pantopod crusade. Having sneezed out loud, in front of an opponent with an acute germ phobia , Lady Pantopod was dragged before a disciplinary to face her fate. A life ban. Not surprising she decided to sue the chairman, Bigot -Johnson , for wrongful expulsion, demanding reinstatement and damages. Bigot as usual decided to conduct his own defence , relying on a philosophical argument to win the day. )  

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP ) : Bigot I ACCUSE YOU of acting as accuser , judge and jury in what can only be described as the most shameful and scandalous episode in the club's infamous history....
B-J : Her aristocratic face didn't fit. Nobody liked the self-righteous, up-her-own-arse, sanctimonious, nit-picking , snotty nosed , germ ridden snob 
Judge : Do I take it the Lady was not present at her disciplinary hearing ? 
B-J : Too damn right......she wasn't......hells bells.....there's was no point. Christ almighty no one at the club wanted her around. She had the looks and charisma of a sewer rat 
Judge : But every member, irrespective of age, gender , background , class, and race, has basic rights to attend an unbiased hearing...... as laid down by the club's constitution and/or the law of the land  
B-J : Well, let me tell you your Honour that real justice is that preached by those who believe in utilitarianism. In other words any decision .....no matter how it is reached.....is fully justified and vindicated if it enables the majority to benefit , whilst at the same time minimised the pain experienced by the few. Indeed , all the club members rejoiced at the prospect of never having to see that posh, pompous  bitch again.  
Judge : Ah...I see that you have read J.S. Mills great work on this topic. Moreover , I noticed that in your evidence how you obtained a near 100% approval of your decision at an AGM to establish some justification for your utilitarian-based decision to expel the good Lady......but unfortunately for you the whole concept is flawed.
B-J : What......it can't be....it makes perfect sense. Actions are judged by their consequences , and the amount of pleasure all the club members derived from her expulsion was immense. Our aim has always been to maximise the greatest happiness for our members , and this was achieved when she was booted out. The utilitarian creed is widely accepted as the foundation rock on which all rational and moral judgements can be made. 
Judge : But as I said before.....the creed is flawed. Firstly , how can you claim happiness as an outcome given the fact that most bridge players are , and always will be , apathetic ,  morose , miserable , grumpy , cantankerous anti-social misfits..... at the best of times.....who don't give a hoot about anything other than the next hand of cards coming up. Secondly , there is still the issue of unfairness in that ruthlessly carving up an innocent member just to appease a small baying lynch mob doesn't make your action fair. For instance , slavery was an unjust, cruel and evil institution , which by all accounts didn't worry or concern the ruling white majority at the time a single jot. But the most damning argument against utilitarianism is the creed's one-sidedness., which suggests that morality is best analysed entirely by people's actions and their consequences. This approach , of course , completely overlooks the more important elements of motives and intentions. These I believe.....in your case....were malicious and self-serving......and it is on those grounds I find for the plaintiff.
PC :  Hoo-rah for the judge
B-J : Bugger.....bugger.....bugger