THE SAVAGE WORLD OF BIG BRIDGE............... ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Sometime back in January I wrote a research paper entitled " Where does beastly behaviour in bridge come from ?". The gist of my report was to establish a causal connection between the behavioural characteristics of bridge players and lycanthropy. The theory that was put forward was that as soon as bridge players picked up their first hand, the process of transforming into beasts had already begun.

Well, the headline I used above was "lifted" from the very same one Marshall Smith used in his published 1957 article, when he first observed how the big league bridge players behaved at top ranking tournaments. He too noticed their savage, unforgiving, beastly behaviour, but he never make the lycanthropic connection. Neverthelesss, Marshall did manage to list the beastly characteristics often associated with the big tournament players of that era ( as listed below ):

- the all round conceit of a peacock

- the night habits of an owl

- the rapacity of a crocodile

- the sly inscrutability of a snake

- the memory of an elephant

- the wildness of a lion

- the endurance of a bull

- the killer instinct of a wolf

So as far as Marshall was concerned, the big tournaments were places where mere mortals and ordinary bridge players were well advised to stay away from. These deadly arenas were " inhabited by a handful of conceited, ruthless but gifted players ", who regarded the weak, meek and mild as "dog-meat ". Indeed, even the average plus players were nothing more than " kibitzing monkeys " to such stalking predators.

Maybe, I had overlooked an important correlation possibility, which might well link the severity of the beastly transformation with the high status ranking of the player. Clearly, more research into this topic is needed .......

WHAT ANOTHER 3 SPADES TICK BOTH DIRECTIONS !...... ( Bridgemeister Gibson reports )

Not so long ago I published a hand where 3S was bid and made in both directions, with little assistance from the defence. The gist of story was that a such an outcome was an absolute rarity......one which was more likely to be the product of a dream fantasy hand, rather than an actual deal. Well, let me tell you the very same experience happened to Bigot-Johnson, but only after falling victim to a cleverly rigged hand. In a local teams match against the Walnut Tre Allotment BC, the oppostion South opened a pre-emtive 3S on J10765432.....65432.....(void).....(void). His partner came down with a decent dummy hand of 9....J109.....Aq432....AKQx.

Bigot-Johnson sitting East doubled on his AKQ8....AKQ87....K....J109, which brought an end to the bidding. Sadly for Bigot, West could only lead a minor suit card, having a 0-0-7-6 distribution. This allowed dummy to play off 3 top clubs and the Ace of diamonds, providing South the opportunity to jettison 4 losing hearts. With the King of diamonds falling under the Ace, South played the established Queen of diamonds for Bigot to ruff, but the last losing heart disappeared. Now declarer could claim 5 spade winners, giving Bigot the other three. Contract made.....with one extremely unhappy bunny sulking profusely in the East corner.

On the other table Bigot's team-mates were involved in a completely different auction, with North the first to open with 1D. East bid 2 hearts (strong), which went round to North to make a re-opening double. East redoubled ......... only for West to panic and come to life with 3C. North walloped this, only for East to show his strength again by bidding 3S. Now South came to life by weilding his axe, and, as destiny would have it, 3S doubled also became the final contract.

The opening lead was a low spade, which East took dummy's 9 with the queen. Five heart tricks were played out in which South had to follow to all. Then Bigot's poor team-mate was forced to ruff the each of the minor suit cards led out by East. Effectively, he was end played in spades by having to lead away from J107 into East's AK8. Contract made.

So when Bigot-Johnson saw the double game swing going in favour of the opponents, players and spectators stood in awe at the screaming histrionics that immediately followed...........

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT TOOK SOME BEATING......... ( Claims Pun )

• Your Mistakes Partner Will Be The Death of Me.......Di Laffing
• Bridge Professionals Are On A Cushy Number.........Leif O'Riley
• When Does The Round End, Partner ?......................Wendy Bell-Goes
• My Bidding Was Perfect...........................................Shona Meehan
• What Is Your Partner Like ?....................................Ariel Pratt
• Gorge Yourself On Bridge........................................Laurel Kenyon
• Collecting Big Name Scalps Is Easy..........................Sean Head
• Partner, This Is My Final Bit Of Advice....................Bea A. Goodboy
• There's Too Much Of This Going On In Bridge..........Constance Sniping
• Partner, It's wrong To Bully.....................................Howard U. Lyket

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : JOKUS PATHETICA

This condition is so prevalent, it is a near certainty that there are victims with this disorder in each and every bridge club worldwide. What is worse is that the rest of bridge playing community has to suffer their pathetic attempts to be funny. Much of their banter involves " sniping " and "insulting " all and sundry, using sarcastic quips and questions to belittle and berate those targeted as soft listeners, or cannon fodder. This affliction, which is both an alarming and disturbing form of OCD, drives them relentlessly on to become jokers in the pack. They foolishly, and mistakenly, see themselves as witty and amusing, but to all those who know them, they are regarded as annoying prats......whose comments are tasteless, tactless, very often rude....but always incredibly unfunny.

The failure of others to point out that their crass, insensitive, and inappropriate remarks are not wanted or well received, only exacerbates their condition, and their determination to try harder. However, victims remain oblivious to the fact that they have become pariahs within their own clubs. Nothing seems to stop them, even when they receive threats of having of " having their words shoved right back down their miserable throats ". Even when comments are made about their rude remarks, they quickly defend themselves by saying " I only meant it as a joke ". For them to describe their banter as "humorous" is the joke, in that victims of jokus pathetica have no comic talent whatsoever. Sadly, nothing can be done for them to either alleviate their symptoms, or find a cure. Isolating such menaces is the only way club members can hope to obtain any respite from such irritating banter. Indeed, many clubs have invested large sums of money in converting cellars into short-stay detention cells.

BRIDGE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE......... ( A true story as told to Bridgemeister Gibson )

We have all encountered incidents at the bridge tables, which can only be described as bizarre. This story was given to me by Ian Grant, where he had the rare privilege of witnessing the following auction :

E...... S..... W...... N

1C..... p.... 1S..... 2H

1NT... p..... p....... p

No one at the table batted an eyelid, and play continued as normal. When North came to score the hand ( 1NT - 1 ) she said " You know...I think I might have made two hearts ...." No other comments were made. Now is that surreal or what ?

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY....................

• Congress : an act of union between two romantically inclined partners
• Top : a term usually referring to what you would like to do to a player who gets on your nerves
• Bottom : a synonym for "arse", being that useless and annoying type of member, who always ends up sitting on bridge club committees
• Nasty split : what a sponsor deservedly gets from the spoils of a prize-winning team performance. For instance, three hired professionals might walk away with say $4980 of the $5000 prize money, leaving the fat cat sponsor with $20 to pay for their taxi back to the hotel.
• Love all : an attitude never to be seen in any bridge club, anywhere in the world. This is the result of warring factions within the club memberships, where jealousy, resentment,and loathing of others constantly undermine all attempts to bring about a positive culture change.
• Bridgemate : another non-existent concept in that no such thing could ever materialize between two players, who hope to become "best friends "......... but make the fatal mistake of partnering each other
• Jargon : a term often used by bridge player, when euphemistically referring to a "thieving bastard", who has walked off with his pint of beer

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG......................

Dear Rebecca,

Is it good for my mental state of health reading this utterly insane blog called Howard Bigot-Johnson's Bizarrebridgeworld.

Yours teetering on the edge, Cliff

Dear Cliff,

The blog that you refer to does the same thing in a literary ( or illiterary ) form, as Dr. John does, for example, in his truly wonderful Case Notes..........and that is to point up some of the absurdities of bridge players through the medium of satire. In this bizarre bridge world of ours, where things get truly ridiculous at times, enjoying satire becomes an essential requirement for our mental health. It takes a little of the air out of the people we dislike, who with their big inflated egos take themselves far too seriously. Obviously, people like that deserve to be brought back down to earth. It also gives the rest of us a jolly good laugh at their expense.

HBJ's blog is an example of pure and honest satire, written brilliantly by a team of frustrated authors, who want their names to be known and mentioned by millions. They crave for fame and recognition of their talents ........as do I.......and so I cannot praise their combined efforts enough.

In closing, let us all remember that someone once said " Laughter is the best medicine. " As bridge players, we have to endure week after week, the overwhelming misery of poor results and sitting down with players that make our skin crawl. So please regard this blog as a life-saver, which will restore your sanity and personal well-being.

Yours reassuringly Rood

BRIDGE BOOKS FROM UP AND COMING NEW AUTHORS................... ( Research by Pun )

• Impulsive Bidding..................................................Ed Strong
• I'm An Irish International, You Know.......................Toby Shaw
• Partner Says He's Really Out To Kill Me................Willie Makepeace
• Your Bidding System Has A Minor Flaw.................Bess Patchett
• Why Do Players Think I'm A Woman......................Ray Chell
• I Can't Hold Up Any Longer, Partner.......................Issac Cumming
• Bridge Scandals : All Is Revealed...........................Ula Larr
• I Much Prefer Playing Bridge On The Net................Ima Holme-Byrd
• Glossing Over Mistakes.........................................Alec A. Paint
• I Can Only Think Clearly 50% Of The Time..............Arthur Brane

LAW REPORT : RE BIGOT-JOHNSON ( SHEFFIELD MENTAL HEALTH TRIBUNAL ) 2010

In this landmark case, which had serious implications for all bridge players worldwide, Bigot-Johnson had to establish that just because he played bridge that this alone was insufficient evidence to label him as insane. Having already been sectioned under the Mental Health Act, he had taken his final appeal to the High Court to secure his release from detention. A transcript of the trial appears below, with Bigot of course conducting his own defence.

Counsel ( For MH Authority ) : I put it to you your honour that this man.....Howard Bigot-Johnson.....is insane. His behaviour at the bridge table is far outside the norms of sane, rational and responsible behaviour. Therefore, only one conclusion can be drawn....he's completely " off his head ".....a term which is not uncommon when it comes to describing bridge players in general.

B-J : I refute that accusation.....Of course, bridge is a game that drives me mad.....but I am not insane. And if any Tom, Dick or Harry accuses me of such, I have an army of potato people who will coming knocking on their door at night...... to seek revenge on my behalf.

Counsel : Please....can we get down to the facts of this case. You Bigot have been sectioned because three independent psychiatric doctors believed the game had completely altered your mind.

B-J : Hold on a minute.....insanity is a relative thing........why I bet you eat from the same hand you use for wiping your bottom. How insane is that ? And what about all those people who believe that because they vote in politicians, they therefore live in a democracy. That's not ignorance.... that's insanity !

Counsel : I will ignore those remarks with the contempt they deserve.....you, Bigot, have all the classic symptoms of an insane person. So please allow me to outline them in detail for the your benefit...and the court's.

1. Outside bridge you cannot cope or function in the real world. You have lost all interest and awareness of your surroundings. You have become totally incapable of performing the simplest routine tasks, because your mind is so full of bridge-related thoughts. Indeed, it is only when you hear the noise of cards being shuffled that to come back to life as a functioning human being.

2. You spend all your active hours in club houses, which are full of people similar to yourself. Such places, with all the screaming and yelling that goes on, the antics, the pantomime, the histrionics and Alice-in-Wonderland carry-ons, are nothing more than unregistered mad houses or lunatic asylums. Indeed, from my prospective, they come across as holding centres for society's misfits, and people with acute mental disorders, not to mention a large body of elderly people suffering from all kinds of dementia. You Bigot , once inside these places, behave in such an animated way, you perceive yourself to be a predatory beast .....one of your more extreme and disturbing delusions. Moreover, when things go wrong at the table, you completely " lose it "......and by that..... we mean your mind and, of course, your sanity.

3. You have on countless occasions screamed hysterically at partners, opponents and TDs alike, often frothing at the mouth and gesticulating in a random and odd-ball way. Your paranoia causes you to rant on like someone cursed with acute persecution complexes, claiming dark forces are working against you.....and that you are the repeated victim of wicked and evil conspiracies.

4. You have without doubt completely lost your sense of self, along with your true identity. Is not the case that you believe yourself to be a top class bridge player, an unrecognised genius, the creator of a blog that people like....possibly want to read ? How misguided is that ! You dress up like an ancient french mariner sporting that ludicrous moustache... yet you claim to be sane.....heavens above, your mind is as scrambled as the eggs I have for breakfast each morning. And oh yes...that annoying intermittent twitch of yours really says it all.

5. Moreover, in the company of others outside these clubs, your conversation only involves reciting endless monologues in a language that barely resembles English.....meaningless, convoluted, technical analysis stuff that is riddled with bridge gobbledigook.

So, I put it to Bigot that the evidence is both overwhelming and irrefutable. You are insane, and so are all the others who have allowed bridge to take over their lives and destroy their minds....... Do you not agree that view, your Honour.

Judge : Indeed, I do......Bigot-Johnson, your appeal has failed. Clearly, you are in need of some urgent and extreme treatment, before we can consider any subsequent appeal to let you back into society. Now, is there anything you now wish to say ?

B-J : Bugger.....

BIZARRE BRIDGE WORLD REACHES ANOTHER MILESTONE... ( A few words from Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Yes folks, this is our 400th post as we approach the 8th month mark. And as bridge blogs go we, the editorial team, are flabbergasted at our initial success. Every day several new locations sites are being registered, with people's curiosity no doubt getting the better of them. However, we still haven't got a bloody clue just how many of our first-time visitors stay on to become regular readers.

One of our major gripes is that many of our articles are designed to provoke responses, even if there are only from shocked and outraged readers. But hey ho, we figure that very few people want to converse with a bunch of complete non-entities and mentally disturbed misfits.

Anyway, the team intends to plough on determined to win over the hearts and minds of the growing bridge blog reading community. We aim to make this blog the most popular one going, despite our lack of celebrity status. Yes, the team accepts we can't compete with some truly great bloggers, who produce excellent stuff on news items about the real bridge world, its big players, its big stage events, not to mention those big interest hands that offer so much in terms of fascinating analysis and debate. No, we are here to look at the bridge world from another perspective.....to expose its bizarre side with a dollop of dark humour mixed and a bit of the light-hearted stuff. We are in essence here for the rank and file bridge players......... people who are not really interested in technical stuff and up-to-date news, but people who have an unusual passion for something completely different. The fact that they enjoy reading the drivel churned out in abundance in Howard Bigot-Johnson's " Bizarre World of Bridge " must surely be down to one thing. There's something wrong with them.

THE FLYING BRIDGEMATE SAGA.....BIGOT RECALLS HIS STORY

Having just read Carp's story of the errant pilot who got expelled from his club, I can only reflect back on my own experience when I found myself "jettisoned" in the same way......but as luck with have it, I did manage to get re-instated on a wing and a prayer......as the following transcript my court appeal will explain.

BIGOT-JOHNSON v. OFFICERS OF THE BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEE (2001)

Judge : Now let me get this straight....You were dismissed from your club because you took off one of your socks and wafted it under the nose of Percy Pantopod ?

B-J : Yes....

Judge : And this, I believe, was in response to an earlier remark you made to this person, that if he didn't stop his sniping you would "put a sock in it "......which presume was his offending mouth ?

B-J : Correct...

Judge : At this point Percy stood up alleging all sorts of things, which ultimately led him and his partner to submit written complaints that your behaviour was tantamount to an assault.....being an offensive and aggressive act.

B-J : That's about the gist of it....But what's worse..... is that they confiscated my sock as evidence !

Judge : And having a rather dubious reputation, the club committee, or should I say its officers, seized upon this god sent opportunity to sock it to you good and proper by issuing a life-long ban.

B-J : ( sobbing )...Yes...your honour....they stitched me up alright.....but darn it, I know my rights. Those joeys over there jumped to so many incorrect conclusions.......such was blatant nature of their kangaroo court !

Judge : So what you are saying.....please correct me if I'm wrong ........ is that not only were there insufficient grounds on which to impose the ultimate punishment, but the process by which they arrived at their decision was flawed.

B-J : Exactly

Judge : But you don't deny your actions did amount to inappropriate behaviour, possibly misconduct, that was petty, childish and petulant.

B-J : A tad over-the-top perhaps....a little rash,maybe.......but hey it achieved the desired effect

Judge : Well, it's not the sort of thing I would do......

B-J : But you have never come across the likes of Percy....

Judge : How smelly was the sock ?

B-J : Possibly the item in question was a tad offensive.....well, I do have problems with my feet

Judge : Did you intend to use it as a lethal weapon to inflict actual bodily harm ?

B-J : Absolutely not....

Judge : So I presume you wafted this sock under his nose purely as a theatrical statement to tell this Percy to button his mouth.

B-J : Yes...

Judge : Well, if that is the case, I cannot come to any other conclusion that the committee officers have failed to deliver an appropriate punishment to a rather petty and inappropriate act. As I result I am going to issue a mandatory order to have you re-instated as a member, along with damages of £3.70 to purchase a replacement pair of socks.

B-J : I love you, your honour. For once in my life I've actually won something...and I can't wait to hear what Percy will say........when he hears about this...

Judge : Well, what will he say ?

B-J : " Bugger "

BRIDGE BOOKS FOR THE BIG BOYS.......... ( Or so says Pun )

• If Your Team Is Crap, Sign Up For The Opponents......Rene Gade
• My Partner Claims I Do Too Much Jumping................Jack Flash
• Some Men Find Better Things To Do Than Bridge.......Fanny Hunting
• I Was Once A Big Name In Bridge................................Fallon Idle
• So Who's Been Sitting In My Seat ?...............................Goldie Locks
• I'm Best Qualified To Take Over As Captain..................Lou Tennant
• I Hate Players Who Like To Crow.................................Jack Dawes
• I'm A Bridge Nobody...................................................John Doe
• I Like To Come From Behind.......................................Anna Lee Driven
• Hitting Your Opponents Broadside On.........................Rev. Canon Ball

THE FLYING BRIDGEMATE............( Following-up article by Carp )

A short while ago I posted an article ( March 1st ) entitled " So what gets under your nose then ? ", which told the story of " a flying bridgemate ". The pilot in control unfortunately swept it right under the nose of a player who was never going to be amused by such theatre. These two characters had, as it turns out, a long history of encounters which often led onto complaints and counter-complaints about each other. Not surprisingly, the aeronautical demonstration was interpreted as a threatening and intimidating act, and consequently a formal complaint was lodged.

Well, the outcome of all this.....would you believe.....was the that pilot received a life ban from the club ! Despite the complete lack of evidence that the flight path was intended to commit an assault, it was regarded within the context of the kangaroo court as " offensive and aggressive " behaviour. However, the reality behind the flight path chosen ( a crucial piece of evidence that was never sought after or investigated ) was.... to show the keeper of the bridgemate that if others were to see the score, then the object in question needed to be moved into a more accessible position. Sadly, for the errant pilot, who had a habit of causing alarm by flying into all sorts of forbidden zones, this was going to be his last skirmish.

So my advice to all you budding pilots of the bridge world is as follows:

1. Never take control of a bridgemate if you are not the registered keeper

2. If you do feel compelled to move the bridgemate ( because the keeper insists on keeping it close to his/her chest ) then you must only move it across the surface of the table very slowly, gently turning it around for you or your partner to read the display

3. At no point must you lift the bridgemate off the table pretending that the object is an aircraft, which can swoop and dive as it arcs round the table for all to get a close up view

Because remember, should you fail to heed this advice, then not only will your pilot's licence be taken away from you, but you might end up being jet-tisoned from your club.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : MYOPIC ASPOTMATISM

This disorder is most unusual in that it owes its existence to damage or defects in area of the brain, which processes the images our vision records. Neurological abnormalities cause victims of this disorder not to spot the things they ought to be registering, almost as if they have blind spots within their range of vision. In the case of bridge players, who represent a disproportionately high frequency group within the population of sufferers, they experience a great difficulty and/or inability to spot the spots on the spot cards. Not only do they mix up clubs with spades, and hearts with diamonds, they fail to distinguish high spot cards from a low ones. For them all spot cards might as well be blank.

Acute sufferers have been known to make an opening 3 level pre-empt in spades say, when holding only 4 cards in that suit. Inevitably, they failed to spot that the three other spot cards in amongst their spade holding were, in actual fact, clubs. Their inability to separate from one black suit from another has nothing to do with poor or blurred vision. It is just a simple case of the brain failing to register and locate these cards properly as they are being sorted. These blind spots are a classic symptom of myopic aspotmatism. Revokes are also commonplace, with victims failing to follow suit even when they have 3 or4 cards in that suit to pick from. They can see these cards, but the brain does not record or register the visual information that comes its way. One client of mine complained of making 4 revokes in the same hand giving her opponents an eight trick adjustment, on top of their two hearts tick part-score !!

However sufferers, who fail to register the precise number of spots on their spot-cards, have be known to develop the very embarrassing tendency to play for example their 4's and 2's, under the opponents' 5's and 3's ........despite having the 7's, 8's and 9's in their hand. Indeed, this incurable affliction causes the unfortunate victims to record scores rarely exceeding 35%. Thankfully, mild symptoms only result in players failing to realize their one remaining spot card is higher than any held by their opponents .......... and in cases where they are being squeezed they are utterly unaware of what spot cards have been played, or which are still outstanding. People with this disorder should, in all fairness to other players, never be allowed to play bridge.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY............................

• Blank : what a player's mind usually becomes, prior to a decision over a critical bid, or play of a card
• Equals : a concept that is never applied to a bridge partnership, especially when each player believes that he/she is by far the better or stronger half
• DEPO : an acronym which stands for " Don't Ever Push Opponents " out of a doomed contract, or into one which is a makeable game
• Bermuda bowl: like the Bermuda Triangle, this relates to a phenomenon which causes a player's logic and reasoning to completely disappear off the face of the earth. Indeed , the skull which once served as a container for an active brain has suddenly become an empty bowl..............and no one as yet has provided any plausible explanation as to why this has happened
• Extra trick : the term given to an "add on" bonus a wealthy male sponsor might expect to get from a pro, who has received a rather large up-front payment for her services
• Crack : this has two possible meanings : (i) a substance cheating players resort to using when desperate to move up to a higher position , or (ii) the piercing and ear-splitting sound that comes from hitting your brittle-boned partner with excessive force
• Exit : the name given to the glass door your irate team captain throws you through head first, after handing over the most horrendous score-card ever

CAN WOMEN PLAY BRIDGE ? : MORE INSIGHTS FROM PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI

Not so long ago I wrote an article which listed possible reasons why women failed to achieve the same as men. In other words, when it comes any profiling of the upper echelons of top class players, one can only find a small minority of women. But does this statistic provide enough evidence to support the generalised view that women are not as good at bridge as men ?

Some researchers started out on the assumption that there are innate differences between men and women with respect to the various skills needed to play bridge at the highest levels. Indeed, they expected to find the intelligence distribution curves of men to have a bigger variance, especially at the top end. This might help to explain why men have that crucial edge to go that extra distance to be world class players . But remarkably, it was the women who had the higher variances at the top end !

Then researchers turned to theories concerning participation and drop-out rates, expecting to find that more men participated in the game of bridge than women, and that a greater proportion of women dropped out, rather than continuing with their development towards grand master status. However, findings not only showed that men and women play the game in equal numbers, but the drop-out rates are almost identical. Indeed, what came across as even more surprising was the fact that where the participation rates of men and women were the same , the disparity in ability was non-existent.

So what theories are left to help explain why women fail to achieve the same level of success as men ? Well, here are a few more suggestions that have been tentatively put forward :

1. Men are more naturally inclined to have that essential ability to focus on a single task at any given moment in time, while women are more naturally inclined to multi-task. This makes it easier for men to achieve the level of intense concentration required to excel at the highest levels at the game. In contrast, it is claimed that women have to use up a great deal of effort, merely to drive other thoughts out of their minds, before settling down to focus on the task in hand.

2. Any development of a potentially good player into a top class one requires team support. This means being groomed by experts who can help a person master every aspect of the game. These experts are usually teams.....teams of grandmasters......who of course are nearly all men. Sadly, very few women are afforded these opportunities, which is why some researchers claim results from sexism within the system early on. An obvious parallel can be seen in schools, where only the boys are advised, encouraged and invited to pursue maths and the sciences at post 16+ levels.

3. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The differences are huge, and therefore it is no surprise to see men taking to bridge in a passionate and obsessive way, while women use the game for social contact and afternoon relaxation. Clearly, women are influenced by a different set of social pressures, biological drives, and emotional needs. Men, right from being boys, have a greater sense of competitiveness, and a fierce desire to win. Blue-printed into them from birth are macho-male psyches, superiority complexes, and male chauvinistic attitudes.

4. Some researchers have proved that women don't expect to be as proficient as men at sport, whether they be physical activities or mind games. This of course becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, which perpetuates this negative and collective belief. Once this expectation becomes deeply ingrained into the woman's psyche, then there is little hope for any grass roots female bridge player to believe in herself as being able to " match men ". Women it seems put up their own mental barriers, which undermine their determination and belief to succeed. Many feel they "it's their place " to be excluded from the male dominated elites that exist in every bridge club across the world. It is therefore not surprising that where barriers are perceived, the continued status quo of a male dominated bridge world remains intact. This of course only serves to propagate the gender separation for the next wave of young female players coming through.

5. As for myself, I believe that men like war but women don't. Men see bridge as a battlefield, a combat zone where no prisoners are taken. They get a real adrenalin fix and buzz from crushing and humiliating opponents.There is the hunting and predatory beast in man, which women find hard to understand let alone emulate. In top class bridge the intensity of the battle is both gruelling and demanding, where mistakes can lead to court- martials and firing squads. Very sensibly, most women would not willingly choose to enter this type of bloody conflict, leaving it just for the men to fight amongst themselves.

Will things ever be different in the world of bridge. I don't think so....

BIGOT INVOKES WRATH OF COMMITTEE : BC DISCIPLINARY SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING No. 86

( Following Bigot-Johnson's surprise win in the Chairman's Pairs, it came to the committee's attention of a carding irregularity on his last board. Apparently, Bigot was the only one in the room to defeat to defeat a grand slam in spades, and it was this unbelievable result which edged him into top spot. The unfortunate declarer allowed Bigot to make a trick with the 7 of hearts courtesy of an invoke.....which was not detected at the time. )

Chairman : I'm afraid Bigot you've got some explaining to do.....

B-J : How come ?

Chairman : According to the hand records, it was not possible for you to take a trick in hearts with the 7 , thereby defeating the grand slam in spades, because.....

B-J : But I did...

Chairman : Please allow me to finish......because dummy was correctly dealt with the 7 of hearts. Your 7 did not belong to that board, being 14th card to be played in that suit. In other words you won a trick by virtue of an invoke. Unlike a revoke, this kind of irregularity involves following a suit when supposedly it is impossible to do so.

B-J : Ah...ah.....well, even if that is the case there are no prescribed penalties....so the result must still stand. Anyway. if an idiot of a declarer cannot be bothered to count the cards, then he deserves to go down !

Chairman : But he did.....but then he doubted his own memory, after watching you following suit to each round of hearts played. So what we want to know Bigot is firstly, how come you didn't notice that two sevens were in play......and secondly, where did your seven come from ?

B-J : Of course I spotted the duplication, but I had no idea at that time there was an extra heart floating around in this pack. Why should I ? And as to where it came from ...well, it turned up with the other 12.

Chairman : I'm not convinced. You Bigot have a track record of selling your soul to the devil, if it means securing some prized or coveted silverware. You are an unscrupulous rogue. But on this occasion, your highly dubious and unethical practices have not succeeded. The revised score on this board is 7S tick, which means you and your partner must hand over the trophy to the newly declared winners, Percy Pantopod and Ivor Inky Pinky............and to add insult to injury, you are barred from entering this event for the next five years. Have you anything to say ?

B-J : Bugger...........

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.............

Dear Rebecca,

Am I pissed off......all my best efforts to get my novel system bids licensed, and permitted for general use, seem to have fallen on deaf ears. I wanted to introduce a 3 card major bidding system ( using the magic 1C bid to show a hand which could contain a 4 card holding in one, or both majors )..... but no ! Then I asked the ruling bodies to consider my 2 card major opening bid ( again using the magic 1C to possibly show a 4 card holding, and the sparkling diamond to show a 5 card holding, in one or both majors ) .....but yet again the answer was no. So finally, in an act of sheer desperation I asked the powers that be to consider my latest initiative. A bid that could revolutionise bidding like no other .....the pre-emptive splinter bid !

This bid is in effect an advanced splinter where you open 1H/1S, with just a losing singleton in that suit, anticipating of course that you and your partner will find a superb fit later on.....elsewhere. Partner uses 2C as an enquiry as to your shape, requiring you to bid 2 of the other major if you have 3 or fewer in that suit. With majors in your mitt then it's back to opening 1C. This is bridge at the cutting edge. Do you agree ?

Yours out to impress Joe Kerr

Dear Joe,

I must admit that to some extent I can see the logic behind the pre-emptive splinter bid. By bidding the major suits to show shortage, you can of course find your minor suit fits by simple deduction. Moreover, you may also be able to stifle weak opponents, who will no doubt be thrown into confusion by your suit denial ( and enquiry ) bids. However, I do think your madcap bidding ideas live far more up to your name, than any beginnings to a new revolutionary bidding system.

Yours regretfully Rood

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT REALLY TOOK THE BISCUIT...... ( By Gary Baldie aka Pun )

• We Were Beaten On Every Board.................................Hanz Downe
• Should I Bid Or Not ? Yes...No...Yes ?..........................Ima Wavering
• That TD Was On Their Side Alright................................Judas Badley
• Playing Bridge Gives Me Such Relief..............................I. P. Daley
• Partner, I Can't Take Anymore Criticism, So Go Away.....Buzz Hoffman
• I Was So Shocked At Winning Crockfords......................Neil Lee Dyde
• Bridge Success Only Comes In Dribs.............................Ann Drabs
• Bridge Turns Me Into A Hideous Monster........................Jacqueline Hyde
• We Really Need To Stitch These Opponents Up .............Fred Cotton
• What On Earth Possessed You To Make That Bid...........Hugh R. A. Pratt

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.......................................

Dear Rebecca,

The other day I was asked to stand in as an emergency TD, and do the best I could. So there I was minding my own business and thinking I'm about to get through the whole evening without incident........ when lo and behold on the very last round, I was called over to a table. On arrival I was greeted by at least three highly respected and experienced players with slightly sheepish looks on their faces. I wondered what the problem could possibly be that had caused them such embarrassment - surely it would be an easy matter for me to flick through the Red Book and resolve matters......or would it ?

It was an unusual problem to say the least. Picture this - the game was half-played and it appeared that North, East, South and West had the same coloured cards from the same board. However, somehow South had managed to have in his possession cards from a completely different board. Either he was the playing a hand from the wrong board ( or perhaps North, East and West were playing with cards from the wrong board, implying South was correct .....! ) Thankfully, this problem came to the surface, when halfway through this bizarre sequence, the players noticed that a particular card had appeared twice.

Firstly, I took great credit in not having laughed out too loud, and for maintaining a professional composure. Convinced that this unusual scenario was unlikely to be covered in the Red Book ( other than under the provisions of " boards that could not be played for whatever reason " ) I decided to adopt a common sense approach. Therefore, I pronounced that the 2 boards affected were now unplayable, and that I intended to award averages to both sides.

This obviously didn't go down well with one of the players, who quietly pointed out " Two averages may be bad for us ? ". Naturally, I pointed out to him that " they might also be good for you ! " An observation to which all three other players nodded in submission.

Had I done the right thing ? Yours not so sure, Gloria Stitz

Dear Gloria,

First off, it seems to me that the mis-boarding of cards must have taken place earlier on, perhaps on the table where the boards last came from. If that was the case those negligent and dopey sods responsible should have been fined. If it turns out that the mis-boarding had taken place several rounds earlier ( suggesting that several tables had failed to notice two or more cards appearing twice ), then the two boards in question should have been totally scrapped from the scoring. Hell fire, what kind of members do you have at your club ?

As for your ruling, I believe that the Red Book....or any other book for that matter....should be ignored whenever possible, especially when incidents cry out for common sense rulings that provide equity all round. You madam can TD at our club any time. The ones who we have to suffer are mean, unsympathetic, nit-picking, bolshy, up-their-own-arses, we-know-best, never argue against the written word, officious, power crazy despots.

Best regards Rebecca

BRIDGE SPEAK GOBBLEDIGOOK.... ( A very short article By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Gobbledigook refers to words that are nonsense, or put together in a meaningless or encrypted language. Something , more often than not, described in an overly complex, incoherent, or incomprehensible manner. The best examples of course are found in statute books, which call upon judges time and time again to provide some meaningful interpretation. However, on a few occasions gobbledigook can crop up in bridge text books, which are written by experts for the benefit of experts. Why just the other day I was reading a hand from Hugh Kelsey's " Bridge for the Connoisseurs ", when I came across this analysis of how an awkward 3NT could be made:

" What sort of an ending was that ? Technically it can be described as a compound guard squeeze incorporating a losing squeeze card. East is subjected to a strip-squeeze in clubs and hearts, and the moment of the throw-in operates the guard squeeze against West ".

Confused ? You bet I was.....even though the hand, and a full explanation of the play, had already been provided. Because let's be honest here, how many bridge players do you know who could make any sense of that incomprehensible summary.........where so many squeezes were squeezed into so few words ?

DR. JOHN I'VE HAD YET ANOTHER STRANGE DREAM......

- Good grief man....this is getting serious...

- I know....and what's more, it's another dream which involves me dying .......but thankfully the ending is not so bad

- So please tell me about it ........

- Well, I'm at the club playing another mundane session of duplicate bridge. However, unbeknown to us all, a gas leak in the cellar had gone undetected for over 4 hours. Then at 8-30 pm, when the central heating boiler switched itself on, the ignition light caused a massive explosion. This brought the building down with no one coming out alive.

But contrary to what atheists believe, we all got to meet our maker. He was incredibly concerned and sympathetic, and as a result he offered to grant each one of us a single wish....before entering paradise. When all the deceased players lined up, everyone who stepped forward made the one same wish : " I want to be a much better bridge player than I was during my time on earth ". So God, being true to his word, granted these wishes on the snap of his fingers. This went on until he came to me.....the last in line.......the one and only Howard Bigot Johnson.

God could not help noticing the huge grin on my face, as he asked me what wish I wanted. In a flash I replied : " Turn all those sods back to the useless bumbledogs they once were......"

- Hmmm....it seems to me Bigot that your persecution complex causes you to resent and dread the notion that others ....should they became as good as you at bridge...... would then undermine your ability to remain top dog. Mentally speaking..... you are an incurable mess !

- Bugger....

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY...........................

• Scratch player : a restless and fidgety male, who has develop an unpleasant habit of rubbing his balls whenever he feels uncomfortable or anxious
• Rabbit : a novice player who immediately freezes whenever star-rated opponents enter the bidding with super light openings, overcalls and pre-empts
• Bad break : an occupational hazard for someone with brittle bones, who is partnering a highly volatile player renown for using excessive physical force to vent his frustration and displeasure
• Spread : what most travelling players wish for ( but never get ), when the tea interval comes along at an away Sunday league match venue
• Yarborough : a term which is incorrectly linked to a so called English Lord. But the truth behind its origin can be traced to an incident at Stourbridge BC, when in 1934 an inarticulate player picked up a totally useless and worthless hand. In a pique of rage, he bellowed out " Yah boo....rough bloody justice this is ! " A hard of hearing journalist misreported this outburst as " Yar-bo-rough.....", which for no apparent reason became a term synonymous with hands that are totally devoid of HCPs.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT............. ( Article br Carp )

PHRASES YOU DREAD YOUR PARTNER SAYING AFTER YOU'VE FOULED UP YET AGAIN

• " You're off you head "
• " God...you need a brain transplant "
• " What was that all about ? "
• " Hadn't we agreed to.......? "
• " You moron...."
• " Can I be frank with you... ? "
• " Were you listening to the bidding ? "
• " You've just turned a complete top into....."
• " Is there something else troubling you ....? "
• " I don't want to harp on..."
• " I have nothing to say to you...."
• " Don't speak to me....."
• " Don't take this the wrong way...."
• " We might as well go home...."
• " What on earth possessed you to......"
• " You've forgotten the system again...haven't you ? "
• " You're doing my head in..."
• " How long have you been playing bridge ? "
• " Whose side are you on ? "
• " That contract was cold....."

DR. JOHN .....I'VE HAD ANOTHER STRANGE DREAM........

- Make yourself comfortable Bigot....... on the couch over there.......and tell me all about it

- Well, in this dream I am competing in the Walnut Tree Allotment BC Swiss Teams Congress, against a load of top class teams from all the nearby villages and hamlets. And as destiny would have it....my team won the event by a country mile.......but tragically, and unbelievably, we were all dead before the evening had ended.

All four dead bodies turned up at the local mortuary in the early hours of the morning.......yet on each face there was a huge smile. The police, coroner and the press were desperate to know how this very bizarre and strange co-incidence had come about. The answers that came back were as comical as they were shocking.

The first victim, namely Curly Coxcomb, died of a heart attack. He was so overcome with joy as he laid his hands on his first ever trophy, his weak and fragile heart just simply conked out.

The second body was that of Melvin Mundungus. He foolishly celebrated to excess, and when he threw the trophy high into the air, he forget to look up to see where it went. Being quite a weighty object, it came whistling down to land straight on top of his head, cutting into it like a axe.

The third one , who was that uncouth Aussie Willie Whangdoodle, also died in high spirits when he walked home flashing his winnings to all and sundry. A swift knife attack from an opportunistic mugger completely stopped him in his tracks.

And as for the last one....well that corpse was me..... Bigot-Johnson......but my death was the most bizarre of all. I was struck by lightning just as I left the venue, but I never suspected.......... Well, some bloody idiot told me local photographers were lined up outside, all ready to take a few flash photos........

- Hmmm...... all that tells me Bigot is that you are a manic depressive, who even in your moment of glory allows the dark clouds of torture and despair to come down and engulf you. Happiness has never been a part of your life, and in your warped and twisted mind.... happiness is something that never will. Your early childhood has simply programmed you to thrive on rejection, failure and disapppointment.....

- Oh bugger

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........

Dear Becky, Could you do me a real favour by responding to this anonymous guy, The enclosed letter is one he sent begging me ( bad choice on his part ) to offer some bridge-related advice ! Clearly, you are much better placed to do this given your bridge expertise and counselling skills. Remember, you owe me a favour......Best regards, Dr. John.

............( The enclosed letter )...................

Dear Dr. John, I need your advice on two matters.

I am widely regarded in my own household as being the most sartorially elegant and best player in the northern hemisphere. This is a cause of some matrimonial arguments, because I want to know why not the southern hemisphere as well ? However, that's not the point.

1. The fact that I have not won anything of significance other than the occasional Swiss teams event can only be the fault of incompetent partners and team mates that I have. What I want to know is this. At what point in the proceedings should I make them aware of their shortcomings:

- before we sit down to play ?

- immediately after they have failed to understand one of my clever bids ?

- at the end of the hand ?

- when speaking loudly to other people ( after inhaling some dangerous substances ) ?

- when the world at large is present in the club bar ?

2. Clearly, the laws of the game are there to be exploited to the advantage of those, who take both the time and effort to know them. At what point should I use the said laws :

- when opponents have inadvertently and innocently failed to comply with them, perhaps because they have been distracted when I knocked over one of their drinks ?

- when they announce that they are beginners, and are only out to have an enjoyable evening ? ( Is such a thing allowed ? )

- when through serendipity they land on their feet and get a god score against me ?

I do not feel I am getting all that is due to me, and I need your help. Yours extremely Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I hope you don't mind but Dr. John passed your letter on to me, because he felt you needed to get advice from someone who was best equipped to give it. And that's me.....Rebecca Rood.....the bridge players' very own world famous Agony Aunt. So please allow me to address and answer the questions you posed.

1. Whoever your marital partner is, it is better to share her ludicrous delusion rather than form an even more ludicrous one of your own.

2. Blaming others for your misfortunes at bridge is very understandable......the bridge world is full of players who think they can play the game, when in reality the opposite is true. However, by failing to find players who are up to your standard is either a case of irrational complacency on your part, or an inability to tell a silk purse from a sow's ear.

3. As to the most appropriate time and place to inform your partners and team mates of your shortcomings, the options you listed all have their merits. However, much depends on what your motives are ? Are you out to humiliate them ? To educate them ? To seek revenge and retribution ? To entertain those in close attendance ? My own preference is to inform them in a quiet corner somewhere in a gentle soothing and reassuring voice. But if that fails to achieve any improvement in their performance next time out, then I do very quickly move onto verbal and whip lashings, after first chaining them to the walls of my sound-proofed cellar.

4. Yes, I agree with you....if the laws give you rights of redress, then you must use them to undo any damage which any breaches may have caused you. Similarly, some opponents may need to be taught a sharp lesson, so they know not to commit any similar breaches in the future. Moreover, if you do choose to use them purely to gain an undeserved advantage, then in my eyes that also seems fair.....if only to redress the number of times that you were once " done over " in this way. Everything, you see, has a habit of balancing out. Anyway, can you name me any other sport where " an opponent " isn't someone you want to completely crush and destroy.

Yours the Goddess of wisdom and insight, Rebecca

" DOCTOR JOHN....I'VE HAD THIS STRANGE DREAM "

- Yes Bigot......why don't you tell me about it....."

- Well, the scene is a courtroom.....and Percy Pantopod has been chosen for jury service, but he very much wanted to avoid it. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. Now, on the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. So just as the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your honour" , he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant, who I have told is the infamous Bigot-Johnson. I have heard stories about him being a loud, obnoxious, bullying bridge player, a wife beater and a serial flouter of the law. I took one look at that man over there with that hideous moustache, ill-fitting pin-stripe suit, beady eyes and dishonest face.....and I said to myself there is a truly wicked man, who is as guilty as hell.....guilty, guilty, guilty ! "

The judge thought for moment or two, only to give a very stern reply : " Get back into that jury box....You're just the kind of juror we want in this trial.....a good judge of character.....for that man is Bigot-Johnson's shyster of a lawyer. So let's get this most despicable villain up from the cells, and get this trial underway. "

- Upon my soul Bigot, this self-abasing dream of yours tells me you've suffering from a serious and severe mental disorder....

- Oh bugger.......

BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES.......BIGOT-JOHNSON SPEAKS OUT

Bridge club committees in my experience achieve very little. I should know.....I was chairman for one for 3 years running, until irate members called an extraordinary general meeting to have me ( and all my lackeys) voted off. What with accusations of rigging the AGM elections, disappearing club funds, declining membership and expensive perks for committee members, we were all scapegoated to take the blame ! Mind you, handing back to the club the keys to the porsche 911 did upset me a bit.

But since then..... have subsequent committees turned round the fortunes of the club ? I think not. Uselessness has replaced irresponsibility. In my time we had no problems reaching agreement on issues : members did as I instructed. You see, the essence of an " effective committee " requires it to be composed of 3 people, with one who is always sick and the other who is always absent. Recent committees here tend to be large gatherings, where they argue and procrastinate on issues, almost to the point of standing still. However, it is my contention that bridge club committees, the world over, can only reach agreement on 12 things, as listed below :

• How best to arrange the tables and chairs prior to the start of the meeting
• The number of teas and coffees required for the interval session
• That nothing can be done of any significance concerning major issues, given the problems and contraints they would encounter..... so therefore there's no point in trying
• If something could be done regarding less important matters, it would be so much wiser to put them on the back burner for a while.....then later on throw the balls up into the air and see how they land
• Things of a completely trivial and petty nature should be tackled immediately
• Who should pour out the tea and coffee when it arrives
• The best place to go to buy the tea, coffee and biscuits for the next meeting
• What needs to be done to maintain the status quo power bases within the club
• What the barriers are ( and why they can't be overcome ) to achieve innovation and change
• What needs to go in the published version of the minutes, which gives the impression that something useful had been achieved during the meeting
• What time to finish the meeting
• When to hold the next meeting

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG....................................

Dear Rebecca,

Why is that so many sour grape losers come up to me and say " we would have beaten you if my partner had not messed up on board X " . Don't they realize my partners may have messed up big time on boards A,B and C !

Yours looking for sympathy here, Dave

Dear Dave, I'm with you all the way on this one, because every time I come top ( as I usually do ) I also end up with disgruntled runners-up telling me the very same thing.

What these poor miserable sods have yet to grasp is that most pairs in the top 6 have encountered a few bad boards along the way. And it should be obvious to them that success ultimately depends on how good their scores are on all the other boards.

It is quite evident that these whinging pairs, who claim to have had just one lousy board, can not be taking many risks......settling for a load of field average plus all the time. Good players in my book are risk takers, always willing to concede a few bottoms knowing that several well-earned galactic tops will cancel them out twice over. The hallmark of great players is their ability to complement their genius and flair with an aggressive gambling instinct.

Too many players bemoan the fact they don't seem to have any luck, but none of them seem to realize that in the game of bridge you make your own luck, by taking calculated risks that could lead opponents astray or into troubled waters.

Yours of a like mind, Rebecca

BRIDGE CLUB COMMITTEES : PROFESSOR HU CHI KU CHI INVESTIGATES A RISING TREND IN RESIGNATIONS......

Intensive research has shown that all bridge clubs the world over have experienced a rising trend of committee member resignations. Why is this happening I ask myself ? What on earth possesses these willing volunteers to throw in the towel ? Or to storm off in a huff ? To me, the obvious thing to do was to survey all those committee members, who have resolutely stayed the course, to find out all the qualities, attributes and character traits one needs to have....to survive the trials and tribulations of the job. And out of the hundred or so different answers I received , the list below represents the top 20. Survival, therefore, seems to depend on committee members having the ability to :

1. Ignore guilt feelings about being voted in on a tidal wave of gerrymandering
2. Overcome gut-wrenching tedium and extreme boredom
3. Suffer fools gladly
4. Allow control freaks and/or lunatics to run the show
5. Remain calm even when nit-picking arseholes keep side-tracking discussions with trivial points of order, and pointless irrelevancies
6. Always vote with the majority irrespective of who they are. or what they are proposing. ( This is based on a Bigot-Johnson time-saving principle that states: the larger the minority group, the greater the likelihood of protracted discussion and debate. )
7. Make yourself at ease with people you would otherwise kill or maim
8. Suppress any desire to scream out in anguish, pain, despair and frustration
9. Develop a real masochistic liking for drowning in verbal diarrhea
10. Have no useful alternative pursuits at the times committee meetings are scheduled, or better still to have no useful life at all
11. Develop a passionate interest in agenda items of a trivial nature, or matters that have no real significance whatsoever
12. Vote if necessary opposite to what common sense or your conscience dictates
13. Abide by the Law of Committees, which states that the amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item must be inversely proportional to the importance of the item ( or its cost )
14. Have no concept of time which has been lost, wasted or ill-used
15. Switch yourself " off " and " on " as and when the occasion demands
16. Never say or do anything, which allows the nit-pickers to enter the fray and rail-road discussions into the barren wilderness of puerile and pointless debate
17. Never introduce worthwhile initiatives, which might well result in you being made to implement and take responsibility for overseeing
18. Avoid making the mistake of volunteering to undertake positions on existing or new sub-committees
19. Remain utterly oblivious to any remarks or criticisms about your performance as a committee member : treat statements like " you incompetent, useless twat " as comic banter
20. Support every suggestion that the next meeting should be put back a few weeks, and that potentially lengthy and difficult agenda items should be put on the back burners

( So if you can see yourself meeting all these requirements, then you have got real potential to survive bridge club committees. In other words, you are the ideal candidate to get involved with a multitude of mundane, soul destroying tasks ..... to step in and fill the boots of those who just couldn't hack it. )

DON'T LET IMPETUOSITY TAKE OVER FROM THINKING.... ( Article by Johnny Supremo )

Many players get sloppy in their declarer play.....just like my partner did the other day. All he did was fail to consider a 5-0 trump break. He held: AKQJx...x...Axx...AKJx opposite my dummy hand of 10xx...xxx...xxx...Q10xx. The contract was 4S and the opening lead was the Ace of hearts, followed by another. Initially it looks an easy contract with 4s, 4c, 1D plus the one heart ruff at trick 2. So when my impetuous partner ruffed the second heart, he was doomed after the subsequent discovery of the 5-0 trump break. He was now forced to concede two diamonds and a club ruff !

What should he have done ?.... Well, given the possibility of such an extreme break happening, he ought to have guarded against it.....by simply pitching his 2 diamond losers on the inevitable heart force. This meant that 4S was an absolute certainty despite the adverse trump position. The loser on loser principle would have ensured ( without any undue alarm ) the last ten tricks courtesy of 5S, 4C and 1D.

BIGOT-JOHNSON UNDERGOES THERAPY................................

( This is a short extract borrowed from the confidential notes kept by Dr. John, as he tried to get to grips with Bigot's severe multiple personality disorder. )

DJ : So what do you remember about your parents before they suddenly disappeared from your life.........leaving you as a small disfigured child on the steps of the orphanage, without any letter or form of identification ?

B-J : Not much...because my mother spent most of her time cleaning all my soiled and sodden bed sheets and clothes, while I spent most of my time down in the cellar as part of my punishment. As for my father, I rarely saw him at all since he spent most of his time locked behind the toilet door trying to overcome a persistent and nagging problem of acute constipation.

DJ : You mean to say you never spent any time with your father ?

B-J : Oh...I wouldn't say that.....because I had many conversations with him through the wooden toilet door about all sorts of things.....but his constant grunting and groaning did make meaningful communication very difficult.

DJ : And what about your memories.... and experiences.....of the orphanage ?

B-J : I was extremely unhappy there. I was bullied, laughed at, mocked and rejected....

DJ : In the same way as you are at the bridge club ?

B-J : Not quite....at the orphanage my club feet were a huge source of embarrassment to me, but a huge source of entertainment to all the other kids. Thankfully, after a few corrective operations I became less of a freak. Nevertheless I was obliged to play with myself, which I did quite successfully with all my imaginary friends.......

DJ : Who now of course have all become your alter egos......which in turn explains why you have this multiple personality disorder ?

B-J : Possibly so...because some my troubles at the bridge club do stem from my violent mood swings, personality changes and unpredictable bouts of extreme behaviour.

DJ : Well...I never would have guessed.....

B-J : However, I firmly believe it's my bridge genius and outrageous arrogance....that rattle the cages of the bridge club members......far far more than my bullying, loud offensive behaviour, my blatant disregard for the rules, ethical codes of practice, etiquette and protocol.

DJ : You surprise me.....

B-J : And it's because I'm so good at the game ......that's the very reason why I want to be liked and respected......but I cannot stop my other selves from being the demons there are.

DJ : Yes....as a child you allowed these demons to possess you, as a way of protecting yourself, and keeping your sanity....but now as an adult they are only out to destroy you and make you insane.

B-J : Hell yes....you're so right. So you can cure me then?............

DJ : Hell no....I'm a psycho-therapist not a exorcist !

B-J : Bugger