( Having already brought the Slaughter House BC into disrepute on several previous occasions , Bigot-Johnson yet again found himself up before the Magistrates to face charges of a rather despicable nature . Bigot of course elected to defend himself . )
B-J : What the blue blazes is this prosecution all about ?......I run bridge club not a doss house or a cesspit
Prosecutor ( P) : We will come to the charge in question in due course.......All I want from you are just honest answers to a few simple questions.....
B-J : If you insist .....fire away....
P : Is it true that you and your committee spies sift and root through the garbage bins of your members in order to obtain all manner " of dirt " on them ?
B-J : Yes.....and why not.....we cannot afford to have members in our club who might be up to no good
P : And is it also true that most of the important committee decisions are made by the chosen few who secretly meet up in dark corners and corridors ?
B-J : Of course........that's the way that all organisations carry out their political decision making
P : But please tell the court the number of times ordinary members have come to the club in good health only to leave with all manner of illnesses and complaints
B-J : Too bloody right..... crikey , the complaints we get to hear about you could fill a book
P : So you don't deny then that way you , and your lackeys , run the premises is the sole cause of too many members leaving the place desperately sick and upset ....and feeling like death warmed up ?
B-J : That's what happens when you're playing bridge in a highly volatile and competitive environment
P : And is it not the case that you and other committee members scurry around in packs , looking to feed on others, and always sinking their teeth into a whole load of things that are of no concern to you
B-J : Yes....yes...but what are all these questions leading up to ?
P : In short Bigot....you have allowed your club house to be infested with vermin...... meaning that you have failed to keep the premises free of pests and rodents ......allowing them to run amok as an ever growing environmental health risk
B-J : Oh...
P : Indeed, following dozens of complaints a team of undercover officers visited your premises only to be amazed at how many big nasty rats there were .....all running about in the open. The place was overrun with them.....it was horrible.....the health risks were immense .... and what's more these poor souls all left the premises feeling seriously ill and in need of urgent medical attention..
Magistrate : I've heard enough... this is the most flagrant breach of environmental health legislation I have ever come across....how is it that this bridge club has become a breeding ground for such vermin ?.....The place needs to be shut down.....or better still.....burnt to the ground
B-J : Would you mind issuing this order after we've had our big pairs competition.... planned for this weekend ?
Magistrate : No...
B-J : Bugger....
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