LAW REPORT : WHITTLER & OTHERS v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2013 )

In this landmark High Court case a group action civil  law suit was taken out against Bigot-Johnson under The Occupiers' Liability Act, when the ceiling roof collapsed on visitors as they were playing bridge at the Slaughter House bridge club. As owner-occupier of the premises Bigot was being sued for over £500,000 in damages to cover pain and suffering , physical injuries, trauma , loss of earnings , and all past and future medical expenses. Once again Bigot decided to call in the services of the law firm Shyster, Shyster and Flywheel. A short extract from the trial's transcript can be seen below. )

Shyster ( Defence counsel) : Your honour ....I see no way in which my client can be in breach of a duty to care owed to these plaintiffs..... who visited to his infamous and dilapidated , death trap of a bridge club that fateful evening
Judge : Why is that ? Is he not the owner -manager of the place .......and as such deemed to be the occupier ?  The one who the law sees fit to impose a duty of care upon.....requiring him to make the place safe for visitors to enter
S : Yes.....but my client does not deny the existence of this duty of care.....but I am maintaining that he is not in breach of it 
Judge : Good grief man ......a ceiling collapsed on these poor folk as a result of weak rafters unable to carry the weight of 6 tons of paper stored in the loft space above. Most of this comprised of letters of complaint , surveillance reports , secret files, and well over one thousand three-inch thick dossiers kept on every club member past and present  
S : Ah....but the law relating to breach of duty requires my client to display a sub-standard level of care below that which is seen as  "reasonable "...... given the surrounding and unusual circumstances......a standard of care that relates to the reasonable occupier
Judge : Yes....that appears to be an accurate summary of the law
S : Well , your honour.....because my client is a paranoid , under-achieving emotional retard
B-J : What the devil are you up to Shyster ?.......I wish to object....
Judge : You can't .....he's your defence counsel
S : You see what I mean your honour....he is without doubt a half-witted incompetent who is incapable of being negligent ,  since he is incapable of anything which involves the neurological activity of several brain cells working together simultaneously....
B-J : I object...these statements amount to gross defamation of character 
Judge : Overruled...
S : Under the law of negligence the standard of care expected depends upon the skill and ability of the group to which the defendant belongs. For instance , if a roadside assistance to a car accident victim is botched up..... resulting in further injuries being sustained.....then the standard of care to be applied .....on which the defendant will be judged.....is that of the reasonable man. Similarly , if the assistance voluntarily given was by a off-duty doctor , then the standard of care to be applied would be that of a reasonable doctor.
Judge : Yes...yes... so get to the point...
S : Well , my client belongs to a group of morons........... brainless idiots renown for their awesome stupidity.......why he even objects to his own defence counsel 
Judge : Good point....
S : So I ask the court  to just look at this nincompoop . This apology of the human race. This joke of a man...
B-J : I object....
Judge : If you object once more to our own counsel ,  I'll hold you in contempt of court......
S : Thank you your Honour.... so to sum up....I contend that this dork of a man can not be liable in negligence....... because having been born a cretin.....................he was only ever capable of ineptness and incompetency. Therefore ....he is only liable for being Bigot-Johnson. That happens to be his genetic curse......and also his lifetime punishment
Judge ( with a tear in his eye ) : You're right.....he needs to be pitied or put down.....case dismissed
S : There Bigot ...now that's what I call a cracking good defence 
B-J : Shyster.....I haven't finished with you yet
S : What about my fees then ?
B-J : Bugger me....you've got no chance there