DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : EMPTY NEST SYNDROME

This syndrome, originally associated with mothers who have seen their children leave home, is the name given to a psychological condition that can also affect mediocre to average bridge players. The symptoms always occur around the time that one, or more, of their partners sever their long-standing arrangements to play with them. Victims with this syndrome, who then encounter sudden and unexpected departures, quickly succumb to feelings of being abandoned, and bouts of depression.

" Empty nest " is not a term that you will find in many medical text books, but syndrome has became a useful label to encapsulate the feelings of sadness, loss, rejection and inadequacy that sufferers experience. Being snubbed by partners who no longer wish to play with them causes their levels of self-esteem to reach new lows.

Strangely, the syndrome tends to rear its head around autumn time, when for most bridge clubs the new calendar year starts. This is when there are fresh rounds of club competitions, plus the arrival of both local and regional league fixtures. The symptoms become even more severe when victims see their ex-partners setting up new relationships with each other. This gives a clear signal to them that anyone but them offers improved chances at being successful at the game. This all too often results in the painful acknowledgement that their useful bridge lives have effectively ended. However, some will either fall back on unsuspecting new beginners to take under their wings as partners, while others seek temporary solace from forming partnerships with fellow sufferers. Many will turn to anti-depressants, but the sight of seeing so many ex-partners performing so much better at the game, with huge smiles on their faces, quickly negates the beneficial effects of these drugs.

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.........................................

• Score : something you have to settle........ usually against an old adversary, or ex-partner
• Tempo : refers to the particular rhythm or beat a player employs when strumming his fingers on the table
• Inverted raise : an absurdly illogical bidding tactic, in which a jump raise takes you to a level beyond where you need to be, in contrast to a single level raise which takes you to a level below where you ought to be
• Advanced sacrifice : yet another absurdly illogical bidding tactic, where responder ( on hearing his RHO double his partner's 3 level pre-empt ) jumps to the 5 level on garbage. This insane manoeuvre guarantees them a minus 800/1100 for 4 off doubled, when the maximum loss they could have otherwise incurred, by simply passing, was minus 660 for a game bid and made by their opponents.
• Novice : one without sin : a rarity in the world of bridge
• Bust : something every vain and conceited bridge player has of himself in his home, usually his most treasured artifact
• Length : ( alternative definition ) the size of a club member's member

LAW REPORT : PERCY PANTOPOD v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( AND OTHER )

Following his recent pairs triumph whilst out on parole, Bigot was determined to wallow in glory and boast about his success. That was until Percy Pantopod read the Reuters news flash, which compelled him to bring a private prosecution against Bigot and his partner. Charges were brought against them under various sections of the Theft Act, including " obtaining property by deception" . The final part of the trial's transcript can be seen below, where Bigot as usual was defending himself.

Percy: Are you familiar with the rules of bridge, Bigot ?

B-J : Yes

Percy : Well, by Third-eye's own admission he was able to read the cards by virtue of coded pattern markings on the backs.......... because he was of course the pattern designer. This amounts to blatant cheating. And according to the rules of bridge, this unacceptable behaviour completely invalidates your score-card.

B-J : Oh dear.....

Percy : Indeed, Third-eye's cheating was in effect a form of deception, whereby he pretended to play by the rules when in fact the opposite was true. This means that by taking the trophy, you were both guilty of obtaining this valuable piece of silverware by deception. Furthermore, you Bigot....by your stubborn refusal to hand it back....are guilty of wrongful possession......or should I say.... handling stolen goods.

B-J : Bugger.....

Percy : Therefore, as runners-up in this competition, my wife and I declare ourselves as winners, and that the trophy is rightfully ours.

Judge : I concur with these two declarations......

B-J : Just a minute.....just a minute....You Pantopod, and your wife, followed directly behind us throughout the whole event. What's more....you both cranked up your hearing aids so that you could listen in to all our post-hand discussions. Or else, please explain to this court the curious fact that you ended up in the same contracts as us, making the very same judgement calls, decisions and plays as Third-eye. You might call this an unbelievable set of co-incidences.....I call it cheating. The only reason we pipped you by 0.4% was that we beat you on the boards that you played first....boards you had to bid and play without any prior knowledge of the outcomes.

Percy : Damn you Bigot...

Judge : Well, I never.....this means in the light of these new startling revelations, I must award the trophy to the third placed pair.

Percy : You can't.....they're a couple of accomplished mind-readers.

Judge : Good grief ! Then the trophy must go to the couple coming fourth.

B-J : You can't....Jeremiah and Joshua Fielding are known to be telepathic twins.

Judge : This is getting ridiculous....then I award the trophy to the fifth placed pair.

Percy : You can't.....they're both experts in behavioural studies and body language communication.

Judge : That's it. I've heard enough. This bizarre and crooked world of bridge is too much for me. This ridiculous case is at an end. Give the bloody trophy way to charity.....

B-J : You can't...because Charity poor soul came last... she hoisted herself to death on her own pitchfork, having paid a vast fortune to hire a top class player of international standing to be her partner. It seems she took her 32% score very badly indeed, especially when they started out as odds-on favourites to win the event.

Judge : Someone find me a pitchfork.....

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT TOOK MY FANCY................... ( By Pun )

• I'm Forever Giving Opponents Gifts........................Jenna Rossity
• Don't Keep Pinching My Players...........................Bill Jerome Teem
• Bridge Can Be Electrifying....................................A. C. Deesey
• The Contracts I've Binned......................................Philippa Bucket
• Let's Play Bridge..................................................Y. Knott
• Keep Your Mouth Shut, Partner.............................Ulrika Garlick
• Bridge In Calfornia................................................Sandy A. Goe
• Husband And Wife Partnerships............................Mick Stubbles
• My Partner Needs Sorting Out..............................Alf Hooker
• How Good Is Zia Mahmood...................................Ray Sersharpe

BIGOT TRIUMPHS AT LAST : REUTERS NEWS FLASH

At long last Bigot Johnson has laid his hands on a pairs trophy. This happened very recently at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC's grand jamboree fund-raising event. Bigot turned up without a partner, having lost his last one in tragic circumstances. Fortunately, there were a few floaters around, and one seemed quite happy to play with him. Introduced as Ivor " Third-eye" Yurno, Bigot had his doubts about whether this guy could play bridge at all, but these very quickly disappeared as his partner brought off contract after contract. Every guess he had to make proved correct. He seemed to have an uncanny knack of knowing the position of all the key cards. Nothing provided greater proof of this than hand 26.

The contract was 3 NT in which Bigot found himself yet again as dummy. All he had in his hand was AQJ1098 in clubs and 3 small doubletons outside. Third-eye had a goodish hand but only a small singleton club. Having mustered 6 tricks from the first seven, the time had come to play clubs. Bigot, for once had counted the opposition's distribution. Third-eye's RHO clearly had length in the three other suits, leaving his LHO to hold the majority of the outstanding clubs. That favoured the RHO to hold the King. At trick 8 Third-eye lead a small club toward dummy and without any thought or hesitation played the Ace.....felling the stiff off-side King ! Then after gathering up the next 5 tricks, he entered up a score of +690 with Bigot's jaw still firmly fixed to the floor.

Later on after walking away with the trophy, Bigot turned to Third-eye and said : " I know now why you went up with the Ace on that 3NT hand.......because if the LHO opponent holds the king of clubs..... yes.... the finesse will work, but only two tricks are possible since he will have sufficient length in the suit to protect it . The only chance you had of making the contract therefore was to rise with the Ace, and find your RHO with the stiff king. Such simple logic. "

But to Bigot's great surprise, Third-eye replied ; " Logic never came into it. I knew it was there. You happen to be playing with Bill Boy Bunko's oldest and best friend......you know, the one who worked for a major card manufacturer. I was incredibly fortunate to come across packs of cards with of one of my patterned designs on the back ".

Bigot was almost lost for words.....except for three......."Well, bugger me..."

POETRY CAN SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST............ ( Says Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Nothing bugs me more than really slow players, especially when they partner me. Their procrastination over each bid and play of a card sends me crazy. Hard as it is for me to ever agree with the Bigot, I fully endorse his views on how to deal with such irritating players : " Do the buggers in ".

However, not being a violent man I went to see my psycho-analyst and close friend, Dr. John, for some therapeutic advice. He suggested that I write a poem to help release all my inner frustration and anger over being made to wait time and time again. And to an extent writing this poem did have a calming effect. So please share my enjoyment over this little masterpiece, entitled " I Need To Get Even ".

My partner's so slow, its no idle boast

When it's his turn to play, I make myself toast

My partner's so slow, I just bury my head

Thinking why am I alive, I'm better off dead

My partner's so slow, he gets filthy looks

But at least I get time to read a few books

My partner's so slow, his brain must be sludge

Can someone out there give him a nudge

My partner's so slow, he grinds to a stop

If I had an axe on me I'd give him the chop

My partner's so slow, I've not heard a peep

I think the poor sod has fallen asleep

My partner's so slow, it makes my life hard

He takes all of a minute to play his last card

My partner's so slow, I can't take no more

I need to get even to settle the score

IS BRIDGE A SPORT......DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH .......... ( Article by Bigot-Johnson )

I'm on the verge of giving up this game. Why ? Well, I'm an expert for heaven's sake, and yet I'm forever coming second to Mr. and Mrs. Bloody Mediocre.

Now don't get me wrong for this article is not a sour grape diatribe about me just missing out on glory in numerous regional congresses and national competitions, to undeserving, anonymous, moderate ability, ludicrously lucky, jammy toe-rags.....Oh no....This article is about why bridge should never be classified as a true sport.

Not only is the game never played on a level playing field, but players half my calibre can very often succeed, leaving us top class players to question how could this happen. This phenomenon would never happen in any other sport.

Firstly, only in the world of bridge can one find players of all ability levels permitted to enter a premier competition. Perversely, this huge gulf in ability enables moderate players to find themselves catapulted to the top tables by virtue of meeting bus loads of rabbits early doors. Sometimes these extremely average players can even walk away with first prize, if the fickle hand of fate provides them with favourable draws against other non-experts pairs during the final rounds of the competition. This situation would never happen in any other sport.

However, my main point is this. In bridge the luck element is immense. It's not how well a pair does on a particular hand, the score they get depends on what the field is doing. Why just the other day my partner and I defended like trojans a 2S contract taking it one off for a top...or so we thought. But no....we met, of course, a timid pair of gross under-bidders. The field score was 4S doubled minus 1 or 2. So those tossers got a top by virtue of rank bad bidding and inept declarer play.

Indeed, the fact remains that in any pairs event, no pair will ever share the same experience as the others. Yes, a North/South pair will pick up and play the same hands as all the other pairs in their direction.....but different boards against different opponents. Luck might well determine that the mundane, wooden-headed pairs will meet the experts on boards destined to be flat, such as 3NT + 2 scores, because the defence only have 2 Aces to cash. But when the boards are particularly swingy, lo and behold they meet numpties, who will gift them unsolicited tops. And if that's not enough, then Lady Luck contrives to allow these unknown Janets and Johns to miss out altogether some extremely strong East/West pairs in their section. So by taking all these factors together, these undeserving luck merchants end up walking on water, having a charmed life, and submitting impressive scorecards.......without doing anything of any note.

And one other point is worthy of a mention. Sometimes the cards are all in favour of one direction. This could result in par players having hands of either no significance, or of no difficulty in terms of bidding or play. Their fate is determined by how the opposition set about their problematic holdings. Certainly, both experts and rabbits may over-bid on hands destined to fail, whilst rabbits also have a tendency to underbid or get complacent about over-tricks. On too many boards fortuitous tops are handed out willy-nilly fashion to these ordinary Joes.

On a final note, I would like to come back to my first point. In most sports it is only the best that are allowed to compete in a major competition, but if bridge continues to open its doors allowing the numpties to completely saturate the field.....then the potential for distorted outcomes becomes that much greater. And on that basis alone bridge should never lay claim to being a proper sport.

YES, BRIDGE IS A SPORT..........................SAYS CARP

Most people associate sport with an organised competitive event involving physical activity. Other requirements involve commitment, fair play, and a set of rules or customs by which the event is governed. However, although bridge is non-physical ( being only card game ), it is without doubt a mind sport requiring mental skills and agility of the highest order. Players in effect have to perform mental gymnastics in what can be described as an intellectual competitive event. Indeed, bridge requires participants to demonstrate their mental stamina, by maintaining their ability to stay extremely focused for very long periods of time.

If one is to look at the more traditional sports associated with the Olympics, you can't help but notice the role that sports psychologists play in mentally preparing the competitors before an event. It is important they go out into the arena with the right "mind set". Developing competitors' strategic and tactical decision-making skills becomes equally as important as developing their physical capabilities. The huge overlap in terms of " mind sets " is there for all to see.

I can think of several other reasons why bridge ought to be considered as a mind sport worthy of Olympic recognition:

- the mental stamina required

- the years of intense training and practice needed to achieve world class status

- the degree of effort, competence and determination needed to win

- the fact that success also depends upon unrelenting concentration, fighting spirit

and quick reflexes

- often, competitors are required to work together as a team, which means they must strive to develop a perfect understanding and tactical awareness of what to do in any given situation

Bridge also encompasses many other elements that are so characteristic of a sport: fair play, discipline, rules, ethics, application, and dedication. The game encourages competitive spirit, dialogue, communication, aggregation, friendship and solidarity. It is, without doubt, one of the greatest mind sports of all time, and those that aspire to world greatness deserve the same recognition and kudos given to Olympic heroes and heroines. Boxers battle in the ring with their fists for up to nine minutes, but bridge players battle with their brains for up to 4 hours in any one session. The stamina requirements may be different, but both sets of participants will come away from the experience shattered and exhausted.

THE POWER OF SUPERSTITION............ ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Barry Crane was reported to have several superstitious rules to which his partners were obliged to abide...or else. One of these was that if you had a two-way guess for a queen, you did not have to think about it. It was all too obvious and straightforward. The queen was over the jack in minors, and under the jack in the majors. So if you held Axxx and dummy had KJ109, you would lay down the Ace and lead to the jack, if the suit was a major. If the suit was a minor, you played low to the king, and finesse the queen coming back to hand. How easy is that ?

Then in a national competition, Grant Baze was playing with Barry Crane, and after ending up in 7 NT, Baze needed to pick up the missing queen of clubs to make all 13 tricks. With a two-way guess available, Baze had no worries about what to do. " I'll just follow Barry's rule, and if it doesn't work....well at least he'll keep his mouth shut . " However, during the play of the hand, Baze got a count of the clubs : LHO had 3 and the RHO had 2. This meant the odds favoured the LHO holding the queen, and so ignoring Barry's rule he finessed for the queen to be under the jack .

It lost ! Meanwhile on the other table, Mike Smolen was playing the same hand, and being familiar with Barry's rule decided to follow it......utterly convinced that if Barry played the contract the board would be flat. However, he also had a sneaky feeling that Baze, with his superb technique, would try to get a count of the suit, and play it correctly in accordance with the odds. To Mike's immense relief, the doubleton queen was offside, and he made the contract.

At this point, Mike turned to his partner and said, " If Baze is declarer in this contract, then listen out for an explosion upstairs ." How true that prediction was. Baze misguessed the queen and Crane went ballistic, screaming like a lunatic, and then running out of the room. When he came back he appeared to threw the next 6 boards in a row, only to discover the team ended up losing the event by 0.2%. Naturally, he blamed it all on Baze.

And the moral of this story is never under-estimate the teachings and wisdom of superstitions. They are powerful pointers to help you succeed in both life and bridge. And should you choose not to abide by them....you will be punished.

( Footnote : After this incident, Baze tried, in the following tournaments to keep track of how many times Barry's rule succeeded in such 4-4 layouts with two-way guesses available. To his great surprise, the rule worked twice as many times as the percentages would give it credit for. Clearly, superstition has an important role to play in bridge...that is , of course , if you want to be a winner. )

A STRANGE THING HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY.............. ( True story by Dr. John )

A wild looking man, sporting a horrendous black moustache, blue and white striped T-shirt and a mariner's hat, entered my office and demanded my help.

" Doc....I need your help right away ."

" I can see that " I replied, with a keen observant eye, " So please lie down on the couch and tell me your problem ."

" You blithering idiot.....I don't have a problem. Have you no bloody idea who you're talking to....I am Lord Admiral Horatio Nelson. "

" Well, I never......."

" Yes....and let's get this straight.....it's my wife who I am here about. Because God bless her soul, she's in deep mental trouble ."

" Please, do explain.....I'm really intrigued........So what pray seems to be her problem ? "

" For some bizarre reason, she's under the delusion that she's Mrs. Bigot-Johnson . "

BIGOT IS MADE TO REFLECT.....................................

( Over the years Bigot-Johnson has mentored many students, but sadly the last one decided to take his own life. However, before he launched himself off a high tree with a cord tied around his neck, he left his mentor ....or should one say tormentor....this heartfelt and deeply moving poem.)

Partner, tell me tell me where I went wrong

Was it the time my careless revoke

Caused you to have that minor stroke

Or was it that time my mind was a haze

Where I completely forgot to make a game raise

Partner, tell me tell me where I went wrong

Was it that slam I put in the bin

Having committed the ultimate sin

Of letting the oppo make a small ruff

Because not pulling trumps was a tad duff

Partner, tell me tell me where I went wrong

Was it the time I pulled your double

And got the oppo right out of trouble

Or was it the time I missed your call

And your clever signals with cards so small

Partner, tell me tell me where I went wrong

Was it the time I miscounted my hand

Which caused you to bid the unmakeable grand

Their double was nasty, that was for sure

Minus two thousand was not a nice score

Partner, tell me tell me where I went wrong

I know once I had honours in the enemy suit

But spurned the chance to stick in the boot

Then I can remember trumping your trick

Which caused you to shout " you total dick "

With nothing more to add to this lamentable song

I have a sense now of where I went wrong

So farewell Bigot.... I off up this tree

You'll have no worries now....... about playing with me

...............Yours Fergus Fretwell

BRIDGE WITH THE BIG BOYS............. ( By Johnny Supremo )

What often amazes me about myself and top class players is our desire to push for game, despite the handicap of being short of a few HCPs. Give us the distribution and shape and the bidding will race away. Take this hand for instance where most of big boys reached 4H on a combined 22 count, after South had opened the bidding 1NT.

South held Q5....AK9....A532....9432 . So what would be his best opening lead ? He knows West has a good club suit, and that East ( outside his 6 card heart suit ) must have some useful values in diamonds and spades. Well, both defenders in these two stories kicked off with a cunning queen of spades ( supposedly promising the jack ). The plan here of course was to obtain a spade ruff to go alongside 3 red suit winners. And even if partner turns up with the jack, declarer might well spurn the chance to finesse him for it. This by far turned out to be the best lead possible.

So now it's over to East as declarer to steer this contract home. The East/West hands are as follows:

West: A63....104...97...AK10875

East : K1072...QJ7653...KQ6....(void)

Potential losers look to be 1 spade, 2 hearts and 1 diamond. So let's see what happened at my table first. I took the spade queen with the king ( spurning the unlikely possibility of finessing the jack through North ). However, I did have another plan. At trick two I volunteered the queen of diamonds, and the unsuspecting South ducked. Quickly, I shot across to dummy with the ace of spades, pitching two diamonds on the A/K of clubs. With only a spade and 2 hearts to lose the contract was made.

On another table, the declarer's story here was one of regret and misfortune. It was of course Bigot. He too took the opening lead in hand with the king of spades, but at trick 2 he chose to lead the 3 of hearts. Oops...South quickly hopped up with the Ace , cashed the King and returned the six of spades ! Bigot not surprisingly allowed this to run round to his 10, but to his horror North popped up with the jack to win the trick, and return a spade for South to ruff. With the Ace of diamonds coming next the contract was 2 off.

And what is the moral behind these 2 stories ? Well firstly, if you are in thin games, subterfuge may be your best bet to bring home the bacon. Similarly, if you are defending a contract where the only source of defensive tricks is most certainly coming from your hand, then a little subterfuge on your part might well cook declarer's goose.

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : WURRILLUS JEPHILIA

Bridge players succumb to more mental disorders, afflictions, and abnormal character traits, than any other group of individuals. The damaging impact the game of bridge can have on the human mind is immense. Bridge can turn sane men into crazies in no time at all. Bridge can transform very ordinary and rational people into irrational, highly unpredictable monsters. The disorder known as Wurrillus Jephilia has the effect of turning male players in particular into control freaks, each with an extremely possessive nature, not to mention other obsessive compulsive behaviours.

Victims with this disorder quickly resent their partners playing any of the contracts. Moreover, their partners must play to their system and instructions at all times, never being allowed to make any changes or offer input of their own.

Striving always to seize control, victims look to take over the captaincy of teams, where all members are expected to do as they are told. Any dissent or grumbles will result in automatic expulsion. If other captains come looking to "borrow" players, they inevitably are sent packing with fleas in their ears. Should partners or team-mates express a wish to play elsewhere, or with different people, the wrath of God will descend upon them.

Not surprisingly, sufferers look for partners who are unbelievably compliant and subserviant, or who foolishly believe they can perform acts of exorcism. However, once these unsuspecting partners fall into their clutches, they are trapped and then isolated from all others in the club, especially ex-partners and friends. These people in the eyes of the control freak represent a serious threat. It becomes imperative therefore to take themselves and their partners away from the club, choosing instead to join quiet, remote, rural bridge clubs. These of course are guaranteed to have only a few geriatric members on their books.....harmless strangers who are unable to offer anything in the way of meaningful competition.

The more extreme the condition, the more likely the victim is to reveal his under-lying inferiority complex. This is often hidden alongside deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy, which is at the core of his problem. It is a curious fact that sufferers are small in stature and short in hospitality. Although I pride myself on being a non-judgemental psycho-therapist, I have to confess I am do not like dealing with such clients. This is simply because I cannot overcome my own painful experience, where one wurrillus jephila tosser rail-roaded my favourite partner to quit me, and play away with him. The bastard.

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............................................

Dear Rebecca, The other day I went off in 6 diamonds losing to both an off-side king of diamonds....and an on-side king of clubs ! In dummy I had three small in both these suits, opposite my AQJ1098 in diamonds and AQJ in clubs.

At trick one my LHO led the queen of hearts which I took in dummy with the king. I then elected to take the diamond finesse, and joy upon joy the jack held. Using up my last entry to dummy with the Ace of hearts, I was now ready to pick up the king of diamonds.....and just concede a club to make the contract. However, when I played a second diamond from dummy my RHO showed out. Bugger. I now had a certain loser in diamonds not to mention a loser in clubs, having to play the wretched suit away from my own hand. Am I plonker or what ? Yours forever cocking things up, Harry Huffsnuff

Dear Harry, Yes, you are indeed a plonker....a total and complete prat. For this slam to make you only need one of the missing kings to be right, but entries to dummy of course are limited to two. Your line of play was utterly inept and lacking in foresight. The obvious finesse to take at trick two is THE CLUB FINESSE, which given the lay out of the cards works. Next, you must play the Ace of diamonds, followed by the queen, which of course your LHO will take with the king . His best option will be to persevere with hearts, enabling you to take the marked club finesse. Then, having got back to hand, it becomes a simple task to clear the remaining trump and claim the contract.

Even if the two kings are the other way round, this line of play still offers a better chance of success. The club finesse at trick two would lose if the defender's instinct is to seize the trick at the first opportunity. And once you are back in dummy with the Ace of hearts, now is the time to take the diamond finesse, relying of course that your RHO comes up with either a singleton king, or a king doubleton. Yours always in ascendancy, Rebecca

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY................................

• Bottom : the part of your partner's anatomy, on which the imprint of your boot can usually be found
• Bridgemate : a fellow blogger who actually likes your articles
• Committee : a group of power-hungry members who, on a tidal wave of apathy, are able to elect each other ( unopposed ) to run the club for the benefit of themselves.... and possibly one or two of the hangers-on
• Short suit : a term which refers to the appalling dress sense of male club members, who often turn up with trousers barely reaching their ankles, and jacket sleeves riding well up to their elbows
• Unbalanced : the state of mind most bridge players possess if one is to believe the research findings outlined by Dr. John
• Deck : what your head hits first after receiving a hefty blow from your partner, who is far from pleased with your abject bidding and declarer play
• Length : the measurement partner takes of you, to make sure that the coffin he is planning to put you in is suitably long enough
• Void : the empty space inside a bridge player's head, where one would expect to find a brain

BIGOT'S VERY OWN HALL OF FAME IDEA HITS THE ROCKS........... ( Following lengthy correspondence by letter, Bigot has had a major rethink on his proposed HOF )

Dear Bigot, What right do you have making yourself an honorary member in the World's Best Players Hall of Fame ? Please do enlighten me as to what you have accomplished as a bridge player ? Yours wanting to know Percy Pantopod

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Dear Percy, I won the World Junior Teams Championships for 3 consecutive years ( 1971-3 ), playing alongside such greats as Freddie Flywheel, Sylvester Shyster and Billy Boy Bunko. We were awesome. Yours feeling very smug at this moment Bigot

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Dear Bigot, Well I've never heard of these characters ? What on earth has happened to them since ? Yours wanting to know more Percy

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Dear Percy, Freddie Flywheel was a grand master at reading the cards.....or at least the backs of them. His best friend was a top designer for a major card manufacturer, until he was sacked after being caught marking the cards. As for Freddie he turned his back on bridge for the lucrative pickings of the poker world. However, after fleecing his opponents, he unwisely accepted their offer of a lift home.....and he was never seen again. Sylvester of course was renown for his trick pulling ability, but his over-confidence got the better of him. After pulling one trick too many, a disgruntled client broke every bone in his body, and poor Sylvester paralysed from the neck down is now confined to a life in a wheel chair. And as for Billy Boy Bunko, he went down for the "Swindle of the Century", and is still serving time in prison. Such wonderful team-mates...such tragic lives. Yours with a tear in my eye Bigot

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Dear Bigot, It seems to me that your team-mates were both reprobates and cheats. Indeed, these revelations certainly undermine your credentials as a " top player ". It would be a travesty of justice to allow you to stand alongside the truly great players of our time. So what else have you achieved in bridge, hopefully with players who you could describe as highly ethical and honest ? I would love to know. Yours increasingly concerned, Percy

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Dear Percy, How dare you question my credentials. Hell, I've won plenty of trophies in my time, most of which were picked up at the Walnut Tree Allotment BC congresses. Here I partnered some of the best bridge players in England today. ( Mind you their hire fees were a bit steep ). Names like Curly Coxcomb, Martin Milquetoast, Ivor Inky-Pinky, Melvin Mundungus, Horatio Nudnick, Quinten Quicksilver, and not forgetting Willie Whangdoodle. Surely, you must have heard of them ? Yours still feeling a little smug, Bigot

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Dear Bigot, I've checked these names out and none of them have even attained regional master status. Moreover, the Walnut Tree Allotment events rarely get fields of any size, perhaps four tables at best. You Bigot are a disreputable and most objectionable man. The only thing great about you is your infamy. Yours ashamed even to know you, Percy

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Dear Percy, You're absolutely right. I must drop this silly notion of me belonging in a HOF without ever having that label of greatness being placed upon me. But you dear Percy Pantopod have changed all that. You have acknowledged my greatness.And therefore, I am going to set up instead...... the Howard Bigot Johnson's World's Best Players Hall of Infamy......... a Hall in which I'm definitely worthy of a place. Yours forever in your debt Bigot

LAW REPORT : R v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2010 )

( This startling and shocking case, yet again involving the infamous Bigot-Johnson, came up before a Crown Court judge. Unfortunate for Bigot, the judge was having trouble that day with his hemorrhoids and was hell bent on having a speedy trial. The indictment was one of assisting a suicide of a young novice bridge player, who the accused had been asked to mentor. An extract from the trial's transcript appears below. )

Judge : Bigot-Johnson....How do you plead ?

B-J : Can't say.......I haven't heard the evidence yet

Judge : Surely as an intelligent man.....you must know whether or not you are guilty. If you plead "guilty" there is no need for this trial to go on any longer than it needs to. I have piles......of other important work to get through.

However, should you plead "not guilty", then it is up to a jury ( not you ) to decide on the evidence given, whether your plea of innocence was just a sham....or perhaps in the most unlikely circumstances..... a genuine and correct statement.

B-J : .....Well, if I must....then I plead "Not Guilty"....

( The judge fidgets somewhat before letting out a stifled moan )

Prosecution Counsel : .....So I put it to you Bigot....and the court...that you did wilfully assist in your partner's tragic suicide by hanging.

( Gasps from around the courtroom )

B-J : Absolute balderdash....that man took his own life by his own accord,,,,with a cord of his own...without any help from me. I was not anywhere near that tree at the time.....and therefore I could not be in any position to offer him assistance even if I wanted to.

PC : Allow me to explain the meaning of the word "assist ". In the most obvious sense, it means providing the means by which a suicide can take place. Say for instance by handing over the poison, knife, or rope....or perhaps kindly opening the oven door, and turning on the gas, as he gently rests his head inside. But in a more subtle and indirect way you can assist a suicide, by providing someone with the motivation and inspiration to carry out such a tragic act.

B-J : ...Oh.....

PC : So let the facts be known....that you Bigot on September 22nd 2009 behaved so appallingly towards your partner, that he.....being of a delicate and sensitive disposition ( not to mention a mental disorder which bordered on manic depression and suicidal tendencies )..... left the club in a highly agitated state.....only to be found hours later swinging......from a tree.

B-J : ...Oh....

( More gasps from around the court )

PC : Hand afer hand you pointed out his mistakes in your loud booming voice for all to hear. Several times he asked you to stop...but no....you had to have your say. Your behaviour was such, it was as if you were putting the cord around his neck and pushing him off the branch.

B-J : ....Oh....

PC : Let's take the incident on hand 17, where you opened 1NT on 15-16 HCPs, and your partner held : xxxx...x...KJ1098xx...x. Under instructions, he bid 2C having a four card spade suit in an attempt to find a safe 4-4 fit. So when you bid 2H denying a 4 spades, partner's rebid of 2NT now meant a weak hand with a long minor. You were obliged to make a puppet response of 3C which he could either pass...... or convert to 3D, which is what he did. But no........you had to play the contract and bid 3NT...doubled...vulnerable.....going 5 off for minus 1400. Despite only having Qx in his suit, you rounded on him....claiming that he should have pulled the double to 4D. Would he have not assumed you had at least Ace to three in diamonds, plus two outside tricks ? Would he have not thought you knew what you were doing ? The truth is Bigot ....you chanced your arm and got punished for it. The blame rested solely on your shoulders.

( A cry " Hang the bastard " is heard from the gallery. A dejected Bigot looks up. )

B-J : .....Ooops

PC : And there's more hands I wish to tell the jury about...........

Judge : I think not...that one was proof enough. People in this courtroom are getting very uncomfortable listening to these stories of such awful behaviour. I am going to recommend to the jury that we find this man guilty right now. This will allow me to pass .......a sentence straightaway. Because I need get away, as I have really pressing engagements elsewhere. So members of the jury do you find Bigot-Johnson guilty of an assisted suicide.

Jury (in unison ) : We do.....

Judge : Well Bigot, you're going down alright.....

B-J : Well, that what I kept saying to partner each time he found himself as declarer in contracts he had clearly overbid on...

Judge : ......for up to 2 years.....

B-J: .....Bugger

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY..........................

• Rank : ( Adverb ) usually the word that precedes the adjective "bad" , when players choose to comment on their partners' inept play
• Red : the colour of a player's eyes as he is about to erupt at the table
• Red against red : a situation which occurs when two players involved in a heated exchange are about to erupt simultaneously
• Scramble : the frenzied manner in which some players rush for the front places in the mid-interval buffet queue
• Rule of 11 : if as a player you have counted out 11 cards played from one suit, then it is odds on there are still 2 out
• Rule of 13 : a rule often ignored by many players who, having failed to count their cards before bidding, enter the auction holding 12 or 14
• Roman : an absurd convention, which owes its origin ( no surprise here ) to a Mediterranean man who wears a skirt and something resembling a metal waistcoat
• Second hand : the type of bridge books tightfisted bridge players choose to buy ( but more often choose to borrow )

HALLS OF FAME ?.......BIGOT-JOHNSON HAS HIS SAY

As you know, or may not know, the Yanks have set up a Hall of Fame to honour those who really know how to play the game. At present it seems to be an American HOF, because only Americans were selected to enter it by the front door. Apparently, Canada felt that two of their best players were overlooked, and after voicing concerns, justice was eventually served, when they were later added to the list by decree.....or should I say " allowed in by the back door" . However, some criticism has been made from various quarters ( even from within the Hall itself ) , that a few too many players have sneaked in at the expense of more deserving cases. These questionable selections apparently concern a small group of big money sponsors, who by regularly hiring professionals have achieved success on the big stage. Success which some observers believe results from being " carried " on the shoulders of giants.

Well, hopefully all that is about to change, because I'm going to set up Howard Bigot-Johnson's World's Best Players Hall of Fame. And I can assure you that there's going to be (1) no secret bulging brown envelopes, (2) no mutual back-scratching societies , ( 3) no secret cabals, ( 4) no unhealthy conspiracies, ( 5) no nepotism, and (6) no despotism. In other words, players who get into this Hall will have to meet the following stringent conditions:

• They have never " hired" players to be their partners, or to play in their team. Successes by virtue of this practice are discounted agaist them ( but not their partners or team-mates).
• Nominations by regular partners and/or team -mates are out of the question, in that mutual back -scratching societies are banned.
• Nominations only count if made by highly placed OPPONENTS involved in the same big stage or world stage competition..... who are not of the same nationality . Moreover with each nomination, evidence of hands must be provided where the player nominated really showed his/her genius at work.
• Players with the most nominations over a given period can qualify for a " player of the year award " confined to their own particular country.
• Players, who achieve several player of the year awards, can be put forward by their country to be considered for Howard Bigot-Johnson's World's Best Players HOF.
• Those nominated to get into this great Hall will have to sit Howard Bigot-Johnson's " Lets see the final proof of how good you are " examination. This will consist of a five 90 minute papers covering the following topics: (1) bidding on awkward hands, (2) opening leads and defence, (3) awkward contracts for declarer, (4) declarer squeeze play , and (5) reading the cards. Scores below 90% will be deemed " a fail" ... earning them the big "F" certificate and " better luck next year" condolences. Those players who pass will be allowed to join Bigot ( who of course is an Honorary member ) in the Big Hall for a badge of merit and a slap-up meal.

Now if any Tom, Dick or Harry can think up a better system than that, then either send me a post, or submit your views on some other blog ( and advise me where to look ). Or if it's your wish, where to get off .....Yours full of cracking good ideas Howard Bigot-Johnson.

BRIDGE BOOKS FROM BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN......... ( Brought Back by Pun )

• I Must Have The North Seat, Partner.......................Ivor Winterbottom
• I Wonder, Would He Play For Us ?.........................Woody Ellaslike
• They're So Keen To Learn Bridge............................Igor Beevers
• What Me ?... A Timid Bidder ?................................Lily Livard
• Excuse Me, Are You Peeking At My Cards ?..........Ava NutherLuk
• Flooring Your Opponents.......................................Lynn O'Leum
• I'm Making A Note Of All Yours Mistakes................Reggie Sturr
• Bidding Technique: How To Sign Off.......................Ova N. Howt
• I Can't Help It If I Monkey Around............................Bob Boone
• If Your Team Mates Get Agitated...........................Carmen Downe

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS...... ( Article by Bridgemeister Gibson )

Bridge is not a game for born losers, or anyone for that matter born under a bad sign. Moreover, for many of those cursed never to win, the only luck they get is bad luck. As for the fortunate ones, they have all experienced from time to time Lady Luck sitting on their shoulders. For me, she has been a regular and most welcome companion, but on one occasion she deseted me completely. Never in my life have I been so gutted at the table. So let's look at what happens when it doesn't just rain....but chooses to pour instead ! The opposition was a team from Manchester which included the highly-rated Evans brothers. It was the quarter-finals of the NICKO teams.

It was a very closely contested match all the way through, but on the pen-ultimate board I was dealt as North : Jxxx....xxx....(void)....Axxxxx, opposite his partner's A10x...AQ......xxxx.....xxxx. After bold bidding on our part, we reached 5C, which they doubled. Their diamond Ace was ruffed at trick one, and with only one trump trick, and one spade trick available to the defence (courtesy of a cleverly engineered throw-in ), the contract was made for +550 to us. Good result...this would surely win us the match.

In other room my team mate opened the bidding 1S with West hand, holding: KQxxx....Jxx...KQxx...Q. This recieved a 2H response from East with his x.....KJ19xx....AJxxx...KJ. So with the opposition pair not entering the auction, our team-mates sweetly sailed into an ambitious but not unreasonable 4H contract. This was speculatively doubled by South as a belated gesture of defiance. A diamond was led at trick one and ruffed. And with 2 losing top trumps, another diamond ruff, PLUS two black Aces.....the contract was 3 off.....vulnerable ....for minus 800 !! The net gain of 6 imps to the opponents was just sufficient to enable them to progress forward to the semi-final round of the competition. And to cap it all off, as I made my weary way home on foot, the heavens opened up once more to piss on me yet again......

THE TOWER OF BABEL : THE TRUE STORY......( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

It is a little known secret that this biblical story was in fact pinched from the earliest historical writings about the greatest of all card games. A story which owes its origins to the bizarre world of bridge.

Years before Christ was born, the game of bridge was played in one city. Here players from all over the world came to settle down to play the game they so dearly loved. But they used only one language....ACOL.....a bidding system for all players to use and understand. So it came as no surprise when every player in this micro-bridge world became skilled in Acol's simple construction. With all this knowledge and understanding, they decided to build a library tower, placing rack upon rack of Acol-related books so that they could reach the heavens. By building this impressive tower library, the Acolites wanted to make a name for themselves, believing their system to be God inspired.

However, God was not impressed, and being a bridge player himself He came to loathe Acol, the tower library, and all the books contained within. He perceived the Acolites as both narrow-minded and misguided. And in His infinite wisdom, He knew this tower had to be destroyed, if only to spare the Acolites from bidding their way to hopeless and inferior contracts .

God also felt uncomfortable about their unity of purpose, which He interpretated as closed minds and blind obedience. As a result He decided to create hundreds of new bidding systems....... strange new ones, which players suddenly discovered that's all they could speak. So each player was destined to bid and communicate in a different way, using a different bidding language. So in an attempt to destroy this Acol-only bridge world for good, God decided to scatter the players across the face of the earth to pass their new systems onto others........systems that were more inventive, complex, subtle, scientific, accurate and precise.

However, although God succeeded in one sense, the plan clearly back-fired. For what we have today is a multiplicity of bidding systems brought to any bridge event. Bidding systems that even partnerships which use them don't fully grasp. Bidding systems that opponents haven't got a-cat-in-hell's-chance of understanding, especially when they receive inaccurate and botched explanations of bids they query. Players will be seen babbling away about the meaning of bids to their opponents causing even their partners to question their level of understanding. During any sequence of bidding, confusion and misunderstanding becomes so commonplace TD's are overwhelmed with panic-stricken table calls. Ultimately, the misunderstandings lead to accusations...even blows....as the frustration of not knowing what the bid means becomes too much to bear.

And the moral of this story ?......God may have boobed. Why ? Well, it seems to me that the world of bridge is far better off with having just one bidding system in operation....a simple one like ACOL ?

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : OVA LOADUS BOOTIS

Not so long ago I wrote about a disorder known as Infla Tedego, but new research has uncovered an interesting variant, which has been given a revised name of Ova Loadus Bootis. Originally labelled bridgus grandiose, this particular affliction has a distinct set of symptoms, which if observed by others makes them feel nauseous and sick. Bridge players who are most likely to succumb to this disorder are the big money sponsors, who hire professionals to be their partners, or join their teams, achieving both status and success as a result.

Not once do they ever stop to think these glorious achievements are purely down to those they pay, preferring instead to love the image of themselves as an equal. Could anything be further from the truth. The notion that they could have possibly played a key part (say) in the team's success becomes absurd.

The two most obvious symptoms are (1) grossly inflated egos, and (2) feet that begin to grow in size at an alarmingly rate. So much so, their grotesquely swollen feet become too big for their boots. All too often their smug self-congratulatory smiles are wiped off their faces, as pain shoots up both legs whenever they stand up or walk anywhere. Inevitably, victims with this condition have to divert much of their money into buying specially-made elasticated shoes that can accommodate any additional foot growth. Indeed, many have seen walking around in flipper-size shoes with splits everywhere, and rather large fat toes protruding out of exposed over-stretched, hole-ridden socks. A most unpleasant site.

The self-delusions that victims have of themselves, contrast differently with how others view them from outside. Their bridge ability may well be good ( but never that good ), but it is their vanity which triumphs over realism. They feel compelled to present themselves as belonging to the same category of players as the extremely talented professionals. As one psycho-analyst observed about one of his clients " their egos write cheques their talent can never cash ".

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE JOB COMPLEX

This complex is most unusual in that the majority of its victim's "cure" themselves, by undergoing a self-induced personality change. However, it is necessary to review the biblical story of Job in an attempt to explain what this disorder is all about.

Job was a good man who took up a crude form of bridge, which was popular in pre-Christ days with the rich and the well-off. He was a fair, courteous, sporting and polite player, who would always make the perfect partner. Other players saw him as a man without fault, utterly charming, generous in defeat....................a person who played the game in accordance with its laws, the highest ethical standards, and in a real spirit of goodwill and social harmony.

But unknown to Job, God and Devil made a bet where he became the unsuspecting victim of a cruel and vindictive test. Could Job remain upright, faultless, and true to his principles if he was condemned to losing every time he played a game of bridge, irrespective of who he played with and who he played against. His losing streak would owe much to the unscrupulous antics of cheating opponents, and biased TDs. Reeling under the onslaught of highly questionable goings-on, unethical practices, and outrageous behaviour, Job's tolerance and acceptance of his persecutors was put to the severest of tests. Not surprisingly he lost it, turning angrily upon his tormentors. The Devil had won his bet, especially when Job turned on God for letting him suffer in this way. At this point God thundered at Job, whereupon he elected to change sides. For now on he was happy to surrender to the Devil's own mantra " if you can't beat them then join them" .

Indeed, victims of the Job Complex are in fact victims of an acute persecution complex, but for one or two major differences. Firstly, this disorder causes bridge players to feel so bad about their poor results and lack of luck, that they feel it necessary to undergo a complete and permanent personality change.....to break that crucifying losing streak. Moreover, the disorder only seems to affect those who were originally perceived as "good players". Why it should only affect honest and decent players no-one really knows, but one thing is for sure.....................the Job Complex completely transforms its victims into " bad-uns".

Inevitably, this self-induced cure always leads to a return to the good results of old, justifying their decision to turn their back on honest principles and respectable behaviour. The desire to escape from a never-ending sequence of bottoms, abuse and humiliation becomes all too irresistible.

( Footnote: It has been noted by other eminent psycho-analysts that self-cured victims of the Job Complex are often seen huddled together at the end of a bridge event reminiscing about their successes , all of which were the result of wicked and unscrupulous antics. This phenomenon led to one observer to remark " now that's what I call a right Job lot ". )

OH......WHAT A NIGHT...........( Article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Picture the scenario. You've had a bad year. Your verrucas are playing up. That retirement deal you thought was in the bag has somehow been sabotaged. Your investments have taken another sharp dive on the stock exchange. Kicking that crutch away from that little old lady made you feel worse, not better. And now you are having an awful night at the club.

You had come to the club as a place of sanctuary, but hey that can't be right.....it's Thursday night and the dark forces are always out there ready to get you......one way or the other. Some observant toad noticed you were wearing odd shoes, and wasted no time in taking the Michael at your expense. The evening had indeed startly badly.

You have this cold niggling feeling as you occupy the North seat, that the dark forces are already at work. How else can one explain why you completed the names sheet incorrectly ? And before you realised it was partner's name that was wrong, the sheets had all been collected in. At the tables, you are getting more desperate by the minute. Everything that you have tried tonight has been a diasaster. Will it be the bottle as usual when you get back home....that is, if you can find one that isn't empty. Or will it be a hot bath and the knife ?

With Maverick ( the self-proclaimed bridge maestro ) as your partner you had hoped for better results. Playing to his system, which you had been told would always land you in the optimum contract each and every hand, you begin to wonder why so many of your contracts had been doubled for big penalty scores. Your confidence is rapidly draining away. And while you are thrashing around in a sea of despair, your partner is still blaming the duplimator for the atrocious splits, and cruel distributional hands.

Then you arrive at the table against another formidable partnership. Bigot-Johnson is there, eagerly waiting to tell you about his recent pairs triumph in a big field event run by Walnut Tree Allotment BC.....but you have your doubts. Why ?....Well. isn't this the same person who often pairs up with Maverick on Monday afternoons.....but have never won once. This makes you think there is an unresolved issue here. It can't be the system...that's too perfect. It can't be the quality of the Monday opposition.....they are all beginners. It must be that their combined egos far outweigh their bridge know-how and ability.

Anyway back to the action. So desperate are you for a score, you feel compelled to do something different, if only to prove to yourself that you are not the victim of the dark forces, which seem determined to de-skill and destroy you. The opponents opened one heart which was promptly raised to three. You decide to butt in with three spades on what can only be described as a load of tram tickets. Not surprisingly you hear an immediate double. You prey that the vulnerable opponents have a lay down game in hearts, and that minus 500 will still be a good score. Down comes dummy with the Ace x of spades and a few other useful cards. Not enough to avoid going one off. Pleased with your score, you allow yourself to be a little smug, only to hear a rather miffed Bigot blurt out " you cocky little blighter ". Another example of the dark forces at work. Yet worse was to come when the score sheet revealed 4H failing all over the place. And this was followed up by an even more galling experience during the play of the cards on the next board.

The contract was a routine and simple 3NT. Bigot "The Miffman" had spotted his partner quitting a winning trick as a loser, so he politely pointed this out to him. You step in of course to alert the guilty party as to this gross infringement of the rules, only to be told " Hold on there......aren't we all friends at this table....what's the big deal ? ". You bite your lip as you decide to overlook this blatant breach.......because let's face it, the dark forces would no doubt compel the TD to let the score stand anyway. But later on you hate yourself for not getting this act recorded as "unfair play". Since the TD had never been to Eton, then there was no chance whatsoever of getting to grips with Bigot's flamboyant school boy attitude to authority and rules. The sea of despair had now finally engulfed me. , Surely now, when the evening had come to an end, the dark forces would loosen their grip, permitting you a safe and weary journey back home. " Oh, what a night... " you say to yourself over and over again. But then a terrible realisation stops you in your tracks......you have completely forgotten to correct the names sheet after all. And so your pitiful score is now going to be reduced by the inevitable administrative fine.

Dark forces never allow you any respite.

HOW TO RECOGNISE A TRUE EXPERT....... ( Article by Carp )

Most players, no matter how how good they are, like t0 define themselves as " experts ". But what they fail to recognise is that everything is relative. Compared to that baboon over there I'm an expert at bridge, but once I'm outside the cosy confines of my club, and thrown into the national arena of top class competition, I revert back to being a brain-dead novice. True experts have to possess many skills at the highest level, and top of the list is the ease and completeness they can analyse the hands at the table. True experts even under intense pressure can quickly see the best line of play, or perhaps the only successful line of play, whereas the rest of us others are condemned to live in the world of the blind.

This rare quality of being a brilliant card player can be clearly shown in this following example. The man at the helm was Dr. Harry Molnar of Hungary, who played this hand with such consumate skill that Dr. Paul Stern ( who felt honoured to witness the incident ) was completely enthralled.

Dr. Molnar, sitting South, was in 6S holding : AJ975....AJ...98...A975 facing a dummy, which came down with K43....KQ2...AK72...K84. It quickly transpired that West, his LHO, held a 4-4-3-2 blizzard, but one which contained a very awkward four to the 10 trump holding.

West made a standard heart 10 opening lead from top of a sequence, which declarer captured with his Ace. A small spade went to dummy's king, dropping East's stiff queen ! Declarer now had the problem of having to avoid losing 2 tricks, a club and a trump. However, a true expert always comes up with an ingenious plan:

- So the A/K of diamonds were cashed next

- Followed by a diamond ruff

- Then came the A/K of clubs, ending in dummy

- The K/Q of hearts took the next two tricks

With four tricks to play for, a small diamond was played from dummy and ruffed in hand with the jack of spades. West, who was down to 1086 of spades and the heart 9, elected to lob away his useless heart. Dr. Molnar

then calmly played his "losing " club confident in the knowledge West was obliged to take it with a trump.....and in doing so end playing himself......having to lead away from his 108 into declarer's A9.

But his genius didn't stop there, because as West heaved a forlorn sigh of resigned admiration, the good doctor pointed out that the line he had taken was in fact flawed.....in that West could have beaten the contract by avoiding the end play. All he had to do was under-ruff , when declarer ruffed the diamond with the jack of spades. So when the losing club was played, the heart could now be safely thrown knowing that East was able to take the trick. So then with his partner on lead, West was bound to score with his trump 10.

But the analysis was far from over, because the visionary doctor stepped in again after hearing another forlorn sigh from West. This one, however, was loaded with shame and regret. " Six spades.. " he said reassuringly "... was in fact unbeatable, if I had adopted this superior line of play". This involved declarer, at trick 3, playing a small spade from dummy and inserting the 9 from hand......letting West take his trump trick with the 10. Now the play would go as follows:

- take the inevitable heart return in dummy, followed by the two top diamonds

- next comes the diamond ruff, followed by two rounds of spades clearing West's remaining trumps

- re-enter dummy with the king of clubs

At this point dummy is left with the heart king, 3 0f diamonds and 8 of clubs, opposite declarer's A97 of clubs. Poor East is left desperately clutching the boss diamond queen, and the QJ of clubs. At trick 11, when the heart King is finally played, and East has to throw in the towel.

Dr. Molnar's superb ability to make the well bid slam on a cleverly engineered end play against West, followed by an instant analysis of how that line of play could have been scuppered......only to be followed up by an acknowledgement that a superior line of play ought to have been adopted, which involved a cleverly engineered squeeze against East.....was there for all to see and hear. Analysis which seemed effortless . Yes, true experts are those gifted individuals who take very little time, and mental effort, to spot actual or potential problems, never failing to arrive at the best solutions within seconds of discovering (or surmising ) the shape, distribution and holding of the opponents' cards.

Now if you claim to have that ability , then you are either a liar, or someone lucky enough to have just one of those essential skill requirements needed to classify you as " a true expert ".

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WORLD'S BEST BRIDGE PLAYERS SWEAR BY ...... ( Research by Pun )

• I Like To Play Bridge On A Regular Basis........................Avery Day
• Let's Give This System A Try, Partner.............................C. Howett-Goes
• What The Devil Must I Do To Win ?.................................Selma Sole
• Do As I Do, And You Won't Go Far Wrong.......................M.U. Layte-Mee
• When Bridge Giants Meet Head On................................ Kay Rash
• Who's In The Team Then ?..............................................Allan Sundry
• Bridge Does My Brain In.................................................A. Kinghead
• So What If Partner Has A Bad Day !................................Stan Byerman
• Did Your Partner Threaten You Then ?.............................Zoe Didd
• Most Of Us Can Only Dream Of Success.........................Jason Rainbows
• The Bridge Players' Curse...............................................Arthur Itis
• Planning The Play and Looking Ahead.............................Crystal Ball
• I Know She Cheated......................................................Tom Sawyer
• Necessary Pre-match Preparation..................................Bud Wiser
• Please, I Would Like A Quiet Game Of Bridge.................Danielle Soloud
• Who Says I'm A Clown...................................................Abe Ozo
• Old Bridge Ways Are Best.............................................B. Ridgeways ( Senior)
• If You Don't Want To Play Tonight...................................Colin Sick
• I Would Do Almost Anything For A Top...........................Kermit A. Kryme
• The Art Of Dummy Reversal...........................................U. B. Hymn