REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG...................

Dear Rebecca ,

Am I destined to be the victim of yet more blatant acts of gamesmanship ? And what's worse is that on the rare occasions I make a few pointed remarks to the offenders, my unpopularity rating goes up another notch,  and then I become  the subject of venomous complaint letters , lambasting me as the naughty boy. Now where's the justice in that !

Anyway back to the bridge table antics......which never seem to stop...........

First off , there was an incident involving Bigot-Johnson, when he told his partner that he had quartered a trick incorrectly. On being informed of his transgression , he promptly replied    " Hey, we're all friends here " , and continued to play on as though nothing had happened. Such brazen arrogance !

Several boards later another shameful incident occurred , from which I was unable to obtain either sympathy or redress . At risk again of being unfairly damaged , I began to wonder what this game was coming to. When I asked an opponent " how many times are you going to glance at partner to gauge the reaction of your bid/lead ? ", he replied " I never did that...but what if I had ?......try proving it ? " . I could hardly restrain my annoyance, and not surprisingly I found myself the subject of a complaint letter.

Am I in the right or what ?

Yours drowning in despair Neil Peck

Dear Neil,

It seems to me that you would be better off calling over a TD to do the job of protecting you from any damage that flows from these shameful antics.

The first incident isn't such a big deal but the second is a shocker. No opponent should look intently at any other player during the auction and play. Looking with intention at an opponent usually has intimidation in mind, or the desire to extract information from their quirky behavioural traits and mannerisms. Looking intently at partner could well be with a view to encourage or inhibit partner, or to perceive a negative or positive response by partner to your bid/lead. 

Mind you it is very difficult for you to prove, and a TD to confirm , the case against an offending player, because only he/she knows what was in their mind at the time. The point of doing it is to register the allegation, which if followed by others in later incidents , adds up to a prima facie case of cheating. Moreover, the offender can't claim ignorance once informed of the rules.

So please be careful......by all means load the gun with bullets.....but let the TD do the firing. Otherwise your own misconduct will overtake you...... and then it's you who becomes the next headline in Bridge Table Antics.   

Yours it pays you not to be too rude,  Rood

BELIEVE YOU ME.... WITH REGARDS TO BRIDGE " THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN' "........( An adapted Bob Dylan classic by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber ) 

Come gather 'round players
Wherever you cried
And admit that the game
Around you has died
And accept it that soon
You'll be playing alone
If your club
Is worth savin'
Then you better start
Recruitin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'
Come complainers and
Critics
Who whinge hard and long
Who observe with their eyes
All that is wrong
So they have to act
Soon
To stop the decline
Or there's no way
Of telling
If bridge can survive
One year or nine
For the times they are a-changin'
So come on you chairmen
And officers alike
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the
Doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he who leaves it to others
Will be he who has
Stalled
There's a battle out there
And it's ragin'
When attendance is down
Revenues fall   
Which will bankrupt us all
For the times they are a-changin'
The game's in crisis
But who can solve
Problems
They don't understand
When numbers are down 
It's beyond their command
The old guard is weak
Rapidly agin'
So get in new members
By lending a hand
For the times they are a-changin'
The game's downward spiral
Is a curse
That's been cast
The slow death of bridge
Will later be fast
The game as we know it
Will later be past
Its once great appeal is
Rapidly fadin'
'Cus the newcomers now
Might well be the last
For the times they are a-changin'

ANOTHER SHOCKING INCIDENT AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB........

( The Mafia-styled committee had just moved onto the several disciplinary cases listed 4-13 on the agenda , when loud banging noises could be heard from outside. Ronnie immediately got up from his chair to peer through a dirty upstairs window. )

Ronnie :  Bigot....there's a woman out there gesticulating that she can't get in.....

B-J : Not surprising.....I've locked all the doors....

Ronnie : Why....it's Candide Twelvetrees....and she's the one who's first up on the list to attend these disciplinary hearings.....

Bigot : Trust her to turn up .....that woman is barking made......anyway, we don't require her input ....and so let's crack on....

( Several minutes later Candide enters the room in a rather dishevelled state , having shimmied up the drainpipe, removed a few roof tiles and entered the building through the loft space )  

Candide : I want to protest.....I have a right to enter this club and be present at my disciplinary hearing

B-J : Ronnie.....call the police and have this trespasser removed from the premises...

Candide : You can't.....I'm a fully paid up member of this club

B-J : You were until a few minutes ago .....when the committee unanimously decided to ban you for life

Candide : On what grounds ?

B-J : Firstly....by failing to attend this disciplinary hearing that you called for....

Candide : But the doors were locked...

B-J : No excuse....and secondly, by failing to notify the committee about your absence...

Candide : But I tried to gesture to Ronnie that I was unable to get in.....

B-J :  Might I remind you that....notification has to be either in writing or by telephone.....the regulations are quite clear about this....they do not permit the use of gestures

Candide : What !

B-J : And now that you have entered the club like a common criminal , causing damage no doubt to the property in the process.....such disgraceful behaviour like this only serves to endorse and justify the committee's decision to terminate your membership...

Candide : This is an outrage.....

B-J : Listen Twelvetrees you are the biggest sap I know ...who has failed to twig onto the fact we don't want you in this club........your face doesn't fit.......you need to branch out and take up a new pastime.....like origami or crocheting......ah.....I hear the police cars arriving....thank God for that...........Ronnie take Candide downstairs and have her cuffed......

A RECENTLY RECORDED CONVERSATION AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB.......

Club member (CM) : Bigot ....I wish to make a complaint

B-J : About what ?

CM : Rude behaviour...

B-J : It's the norm....

CM : But that's  what the complaint is about !

B-J : Listen you ignoramus....if rude behaviour is the norm  ,  then what on earth can you be complaining about ......because the reality is this.... complaints are only valid when something adverse  happens out of the ordinary......

CM : But rude behaviour is out of the ordinary...

B-J : Not at this club it isn't.... you see.... the majority members believe in freedom of speech , witty sarcasm , tit-for-tat banter , hard-hitting home truths and the joy that comes from nurturing sado-masochistic partnerships

CM : Nevertheless .....despite your pathetic defence for such behaviour.....I still want to put in a complaint

B-J : No point......because if the committee cracked down on rude behaviour ....... only to sling out all those found guilty of it......the club would end up having only one member left on the books.....namely you

CM : Well, in that case I will be  sending in my letter of resignation tomorrow.....

B-J : Madam, with an attitude like that you can sod off now.... and take your prudish, holier than thou moral values with you....

CM : Why ....you arrogant , obnoxious, pig-headed , foul-mouthed , evil-minded monster

B-J : Hey...you're getting into the true spirit of this place after all.....why I'm even beginning to warm towards you this very second ....

CM : Too late.....and by the way ....that desperately needed £50,000......which I promised to loan the club......well, guess you can kiss that goodbye instead of my arse

B-J : Bugger....

  

MORE

HARD
HITTING

HEAD-

STONES
...........

YET
ANOTHER 

CLASSIC

HEAD-
STONE

FROM
THE

BRIDGE

PLAYERS'
CEMETERY

BRIDGE BOOKS WHICH BLEW ME AWAY ...... ( Claims a windswept Pun ) 

• Deceptive Bidding Is A True Art...................D. V. S. Barstard
• Stamp Your Authority On The Bidding.........Penny Black
• My Partner Always Looks For Tells..............Andy Peakes
• Partner, What Is Your Problem ?..................R. U. Cummin  
• Captain, For Pity's Sake Take My Advice...Stan Downe 
• My Partner Is Forever In The Tank............... Jerry Cann
• The Best Trick Of Them All............................April Foole 
• Where Did His Mental Stamina Come From ?.....Doug Deep 
• Gambling For Tops.........................................Orla Nophin
• Calling A Spade A Spade.............................Les B. Frank

SYLVIA GETS THE WRONG END OF THE STICK AGAIN....

( Whilst playing away at a weekend congress , a telephone call came through to Bigot's hotel room , where his shapely young bimbo partner was getting ready for the next session. With Bigot messing around in the bath , she felt obliged to answer the call .)

Sylvia : Yes...who do you wish to speak to ?
Caller : Bigot .....if he's there
Sylvia : Well , he can't come to the phone yet ......
Caller : That doesn't matter so long as you give him this message......
Sylvia : Ok ..I 'm listening....
Caller : Tell him this....... his wife is not getting any better , come home straightaway
Sylvia : Got it...bye now
Caller : Bye
Bigot :  Who the bloody hell was that ?
Sylvia : Some bloke with a message from your wife....
Bigot :  What was it ?
Sylvia : Apparently ....your wife says ....she is not getting any , better come home straightaway
Bigot :  What ! .....That friggin'  contrary woman......why I leave her at home because she's ill in bed......and no sooner do I get here than she's ringing me up asking for nookie....the bitch

                                                                                     WHAT DO SOME PLAYERS NEED TO HAVE TO BID A GRAND ?

The answer it seems is a combined 40 count with at least two long running suits....... and no communication problems ?

Why just the other day I was dealt the North hand only to hear partner ( no surprise there ) open 1S. I quietly bid 2C showing 10+ points,  and partner responded with a strong 3D hoping no doubt to hear a 3H bid from me with no trumps in mind. . Instead ,  I went straight to 4NT , then 5NT , confirming  1 ace and 3 kings opposite ......and so bidding the grand was a formality. 

On a heart lead 14 quick  tricks were on view ( 6D, 3H, 3S and 2C ) and so this had to be the flattish board of the session....... BUT NO.

In a small mixed ability field, two inexperienced pairs did not venture beyond game. Five pairs settled for the small slam ....heaven knows why . And so there we were ....bidding the obvious on a combined 35 count , with a long running 6 card suit of real squeezing potential......for a fortutious top.

Clearly , caution , timidity , fear , self-doubt and  cowardice still continue to inhibit many players , who ought to know that bold bidding and playing with the odds is what this game of bridge is all about . 

JOHNNY

MEETS
HIS MATCH

WHEN

OPPONENT
STEERS 
HOME
A SEEMINGLY
DOOMED
CONTRACT

This proved to be a bad board for Johnny. If this 3NT contract could be defeated , then his name was on that trophy.
Sitting East , he had opened the bidding with 1H , but soon found himself having defend 3NT.  In a flash his partner West plonked down his jack of hearts as the opening lead, but declarer dived in with the queen to take the trick. Two rounds of clubs saw East discard a small spade . This gave declarer a very important clue.

On the bidding Johnny was marked with a probable 6 card heart suit, a singleton club and surely 4 spades.....for to throw a spade away from a three card holding would not have been a sensible move.  Surely , East had to have the king of diamonds for his bid......but what was it Kx or Kxx ?

If the holding was Kxx , declarer figured the contract was dead in the water because he needed to harvest the suit for 4 tricks....and East would certainly hold off from taking the first diamond trick . Yet , even if East had the Kx , then West with his four to the 10986 would have the suit stopped anyway !

But there was a way to harvest 4 diamonds tricks if East did hold Kx............and that was to duck the first diamond trick letting West in with his 6 or 8 ! Now when a second heart comes back declarer can take  the trick, play over to the Ace of diamonds dropping Johnny's stiff King, and enjoyed 4 diamond winners, to go alongside 3 C and 2H , for the contract.
When Johnny pointed out to declarer that this line would have failed if he held Kxx , South   looked at him the eye and said  "  your partner's play of the heart jack at trick one convinced me he had a doubleton, giving you a 6 card suit. Moreover, his play of the diamond 8 suggested he was looking to force dummy to play the jack , suggesting that he also possessed the 9 and 10 of diamonds as well. So everything pointed to you having a 4-6-2-1 distribution. "
So Johnny for once had truly met his match....but who was this the unknown bridge maestro ?

BIGOT GETS A BOLLOCKING.........

( After losing an intercity league match against a bunch of puddings , the captain of the Walnut Tree Allotment A Team rounded on Bigot in no uncertain way . Here is a short extract from the conversation that took place during the post-match briefing. )

Captain ( C)  : Your score card Bigot was a disgrace......and it was all down to you that we lost this match......
B-J : Things didn't go my way......
C : Rubbish......you were going down in games and slams that were making.....without any difficulty....on the other three tables
B-J : Those contracts went off because finesses failed .....nasty trump breaks....and other suits not behaving...
C : You butchered those hands because you failed to engineer simple throw ins , end plays , cross ruffs , squeezes.....and essential unblocking plays . It seemed obvious to your partner , and those looking on , that you played each hand without  a plan in mind
B-J :  Too bloody right I did.... 
C : Well , what in God's name made you do that ?
B-J : About a month back I read a book by an eminent philosopher who said if you don't have a plan then nothing can go wrong.... 
C : Bigot....you are without doubt a complete and utter prat ....and what's more you have played your last match for us.......you're fired !
B-J : Bugger...

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG.........

Dear Rebecca,
The other day I visited a club that made me believe I was in a dream world, where the absurd had become a reality.
The members to a man and woman seemed completely held back and restrained , not wishing to even whisper boo to a goose !
Moreover , the feigned smiles and congratulations were totally out of context with the appalling standard of play. The sweet sickly bon hommie and exchange of social pleasantries was enough to make me feel quite ill.
Indeed, I had this sense I was part of a scene from the film " The Stepford Wives " , such was the apparent level of perfect behaviour of  all those around me. So can somebody please tell me what the bloody hell was going on at this club ?

Yours rather perplexed , Ena Fogg

Dear Ena,
You unfortunately just happened to stumble upon yet another club which has thoroughly embraced zero tolerance and best behaviour policies. My local one..... damn  it .......went the same way a couple of years back. 

Yours (gone are the days where even I can be myself ) disbelievingly Rood

A CLASSIC HEADSTONE FOR THE ULTIMATE NAFF  PLAYER.....

YET ANOTHER NAFF HEADSTONE FOR YET ANOTHER NAFF BRIDGE PLAYER.....

ANOTHER CLASSIC GRAVEYARD HEADSTONE MADE FOR A SOON AND BEST FORGOTTEN BRIDGE  PLAYER..... ( As unearthed by Pun ) 

BACK AT THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC.......

( Bigot-Johnson had convened an emergency disciplinary hearing to deal with an anonymous letter of complaint about Pellegrina Pantopod ,  regarding an incident where she removed and replaced her false teeth during the play of a hand  )

B-J : As you know , one careless mistake by us and we could be subjected to a costly law suit .  This disciplinary hearing must be carried out in a just and proper way. Therefore , if there are any members here who feel they might have even a suspicion  or hint of bias towards this dreadful woman , then they must declare their personal interest straightaway , with a view to stepping down and abstaining from subsequent discussions and votes. This committee is required in law to be impartial , objective and fair..... at all times..... throughout the whole disciplinary process.....which I might add needs to be done and dusted within the next 15 minutes....

Committee members :   Yes...yes...yes

B-J : Well then....does anyone want to declare a personal interest or prejudice before voting on expulsion begins

Ist CM : Yes I do.....that bitch of a woman continues to bug me just by being in the same room. I hate her picky attitude.....especially when she catches me out cheating.....and her abrasive tongue when she has the cheek to scold me off . In fact just recently I've started to poison her cups of tea brought to her during the evening....

B-J : Thank you for that.....but I've see no problem whatsoever with you voting the right way

2nd CM : Well , I'm afraid I must confess to harbouring an intense dislike for the woman. For years I've tried to organise petitions to have her slung out of the club , but to no bloody avail. Far too many dim witted members couldn't be bothered to sign.....others utterly refused too....despite countless bribes , threats and impassioned pleas. Why...if I had my way I would kick the whole bloody lot of them out in one go....

B-J : Dear ....dear.....please don't get too upset.....you're quite right to feel aggrieved and annoyed by their lack of vision and short-sighted stubbornness......but by jingo... do we need your commitment and level headedness on board to steer the forthcoming discussion and voting down the right path...

3rd CM :  Let me tell you .....that Pellegrina is nothing more than a old wizened bag of puss.......who once  cruelly and with malice aforethought  ran down my cat in her over-priced Rolls Royce . For years I've been planning my revenge......and it's only just recently I've handed over £10,000 to a rather unsavoury man.....with a history of arson and violence....to torch her property and to rough her up a bit...

B-J : Very understandable indeed......for I too believe in biblical justice....but sadly , I feel we could have spared you the money. Nevertheless , I see nothing wrong with you remaining here to cast your vote.....................anyone else ?

4th CM : Hang her....

B-J : An admirable sentiment ...but is that your declaration of personal interest in this matter ?

4th CM : Yes....I am a firm believer in capital punishment
B-J : Any final declarations of personal interest ?

5thCM :  Yes ....but please forgive me.........I'm so sorry.... I must confess to liking and admiring Pellegrina.......she's been god send to my family.....helping me out when I was seriously ill........and loaning my husband £50,000 to keep my his business afloat when the economy was in crisis.....I feel I owe this wonderful lady a real debt of gratitude....

B-J : WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU SAYING !.....Declaring a prejudice like that is both shocking and shameful. There's only one sensible thing you can do.....and that's to clear off.....we can't possible allow deep rooted obscene bias like that to undermine our efforts to see this disciplinary process through to a proper conclusion....and oh yes.....while you're at it I would to have your letter of resignation in by the end of the week....  

  

RUMOUR HAS IT ............ ( Research article by Dr. Sigmund T. Schukelgruber )

Speculation abounds that A. A. Milne based his Winnie The Pooh story books on the seriously troubled characters he encountered at his local bridge club. Indeed , the Hundred Acre Wood is a metaphor for a typical bridge club ,  where hundreds of members will have psycho-social problems , many of which are not recognised...... let alone  treated.

The characters in his stories , just like their counterpart bridge players , would all be better off with psycho-active drugs and ongoing counselling. One researcher claims that  the purpose of Milne's stories was to remind the world at large that people who love to play games , often fall victim to a whole raft of unusual and disturbing disorders.

Pooh , of course , depicts a player with limited brain power , who clearly suffers from the condition known as ADHD ( attention deficit hyperactivity disorder ). His fixation with honey equates to a player's fixation with cards , and his repetitive counting behaviours mirrors the practice of counting up to 13 over and over again. This suggests that bridge players , like Pooh , have obsessive compulsive disorders as well. Add to that acute learning problems ,   observers  might well reach the conclusion that Pooh-like bridge players suffer from " skaken bear syndrome ", having been regularly thrown downstairs by irate partners , their heads bumping on each and every step.

If one was to take a look at the piglet type player , being one who clearly has a generalised anxiety disorder , then we soon recognise that bridge clubs are over-run with dozens of these panic-stricken little piggy-wiggies. As for the Eeyores of the bridge world there are plenty of them too . Chronically depressed and forever bemoaning their wretched luck , lack of points and lack of the success . In sharp contrast to them ,  clubs will have their fair share of Tiggers , who love to " bounce in " unannounced , show off and take outrageous risks.

However, the story character who  depicts players suffering from an embarrassing form of brain disorder is the owl, who clearly has an unfortunate condition linked to dyslexia. The Roos represent players who behave like delinquents for lack of good role models , while the Kangas are simply  who the thwarted and frustrated types , who suffer as a result of the club's woeful lack of ambition. Their plight is that  club management teams tend to focus on promoting a social and friendly atmosphere , at the expense of developing intense competition in order  to drive up standards to tournament level. 

Finally , we come to the stereotype that most players can be easily associated with : the Christopher Robins. Here we have adults behaving like complete lunatics spending all their time talking to animals , namely other stereotype bridge players. Moreover , they behave like children , the Peter Pans of this world ........ boys who refuse to grow up.  Constantly regressing back to their childhood  the Christopher Robins have only one aim in live , and that is to have adventures and fun with all their friends in the Hundred Acre Wood.

In conclusion , it has to be said that A. A. Milne overlooked one thing. The story book characters somehow turned the Hundred Acre Wood into a place of enchantment , whereas their human counterparts are only capable of turning bridge clubs into  places of disenchantment . Mad houses in fact..... where neuro-developmental and psycho-social problems abound . And because  no one as yet is  prepared to acknowledge this tragedy,  the disenchantment will linger on indefinitely. 

So for all you readers  who were on the verge of taking up duplicate bridge , then I suggest you think again....very very carefully. 

(  According to a BBC News report in Decembber 2000 ,  the original research was first published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal . However  subsequent research , as undertaken by Dr. John and his team ,  then discovered A. A. Milne's must have  based  the psychological profiles of his story book characters on real-life bridge players .  Dr. John himself once remarked " I cannot but wonder how much richer the lives of bridge playing Poohs might be today were they to have a trial of low-dose stimulant medication " . )               

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE WILD GOOSE SYNDROME

Most bridge players , and I must be honest here , have no idea or ability to play the game at an expert level. Many commentators have described these hopelessly  inept players as " headless chickens " having no sense of direction at all.

However , research has shown that these random and unpredictable players behave more like wild geese , who embark upon all manner of chases but never to any meaningful conclusion. They chase after victories. They chase after tops. They chase after overtricks . They chase after green points. But they never succeed. They are all victims of the Wild Goose Syndrome.

Fuelled by blind optimism they set out in pursuit of goals that they haven't got a cat in hell's chance of ever achieving. For them bridge has become an endless wild goose chase , which is destined to prove pointless and unfruitful .

Historians, mistakenly claim , that the phrase wild goose chase originated from a type of horse race which took place in 16th century England . This bizarre sport  involved a pack of horsemen following a leader through woodland countryside , but finding real difficulty in predicting  which paths would be chosen . Add to that the difficulty in following the paths that were chosen , and one had the recipe for a futile exercise . Yet the real truth behind the origin of the phrase is something completely different. During the time that bridge was beginning to get firmly established in this country , a certain Mr. Wildgoose , a most eccentric player by all accounts, amazed everyone  by his totally unpredictable , random , off-the-wall ,  and utterly hapless card  play . Eventually , concerned members took him to a psychiatric doctor who , by virtue of diagnosing him with as yet  an unknown mental disorder ,  felt obliged to name the syndrome after him.  

One unfortunate consequence of being a  bridge player, diagnosed with the wild goose syndrome , is that other players  will start to take the piss. Exasperated by the inevitable  bird-brained, scatter gun approach to both the bidding and play of the cards ,   endless sarcastic and cutting remarks will be directed towards the victim without mercy or forgiveness. Examples include...

- let's cut to the chase....you're useless

- as soon as you played that card your goose was cooked

- your inept  play has made my bowels movements as loose as a goose

- boy, do you get my gander up

- no wonder opponents cackle when they see you coming

- your random play gives me goose bumps

- be warned.......I'm more than prepared to say boo to a goose like you

In some clubs , the majority of the members will be cursed with this awful syndrome, which usually means they flock together and pair up with up with one another. When both players in a partnership are affected by this disturbing condition ,  nobody at the table will have any idea of what is going on with regards to their bidding and play. Indeed , the wild goose chases they then embark upon will usually lead everyone up the proverbial garden path ...or on a merry dance. And as for a possible cure or effective treatment....... your geese is as good as mine.      

DEFENCE  
NEVER
SEEMS
TO BE A
PROBLEM
FOR 
JOHNNY
.....
.....

The other day I was sitting East defending a regulation 3NT shown above ......and surprise surprise  my partner found the only lead to give declarer a problem , namely a spade.

At my table declarer eventually triumphed with 4C, 4S and 1D to get his 9 tricks. Indeed, looking at all four hands it is difficult to see how the defence can arrive at 5 tricks ?

However , when scoring up  the bridgemate revealed that one declarer had failed , and this was because Johnny Supremo had been defending the contract !  

Sitting East , he had managed to work out the killing line of play...... all in a matter of seconds. 

His partner too had led a spade , and when Johnny played his jack declarer swiftly covered it with the Ace. Straightaway , he set about clubs . West ducked the first round but was forced to take the next with his bullet . Again a passive spade was returned by West . Clearly , either a heart or diamond switch would have proved fatal. So yet again declarer was back in hand by taking the trick with the spade 10. 

Sensibly , he played the heart queen next , which  without blinking Johnny took with the Ace. But what did the great man do next , one might ask ?

The answer of course was to resist temptation of a diamond switch....but to play a third spade into dummy's KQ .  Declarer , poor sod , was now locked in dummy  quite content to enjoy his black suit winners......but at what cost ? For as he set about cashing out these lovely winners , the reality of what was unfolding soon filled him with horror. He was squeezing himself to death , and nothing could stop Johnny smiling away as the defence calmly gathered up the last three tricks. 

EXPULSION OF MEMBERS : A CAUTIONARY TALE.......
( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Having covered this topic ,  in earlier articles , from several  different points of view and perspectives , I sincerely believe that all bridge club committees should take on board the following advice : study very closely all the constitutional rules which relate to the disciplinary process , especially when it results in a member being expelled.

In Lee v The Showman's Guild of GB , Lord Denning was of the opinion that a court has a right to intervene , where there was a contractual relationship between the parties , and where the committee's decision to expel  could not be justified , given a lack of supporting evidence.

However , in a more recent high profile Malaysian case ,  the judge posed a more pertinent question : to what extent can the court intervene into the affairs of private clubs and/or unincorporated associations ? His view was that courts should always be prepared to examine the decision , if there are genuine concerns as to whether the tribunal/committee had observed the law. Moreover , this observance includes the correct interpretation of its own constitutional rules.

So naturally , he proceeded to give an illustration along the following lines. If say a committee is given power by its rules to expel a member for  gross misconduct , such as  violent or threatening behaviour , does that mean.........

( a) the behaviour has to be both violent and threatening.... or..... is it only necessary to prove one type to the exclusion of the other ?

(b)  the committee is the sole judge of what constitutes " violent "  and " threatening " behaviour ?  

With regards to the first question , the issue is whether or not the word  "or " really intended  mutual exclusivity . If the word  " either " had preceded the word  " or " then the  answer would be definitely yes. But what if the word " or "  had  been an incorrect substitute for  " and " requiring both elements to be present to establish gross misconduct ?  Indeed , a third possibility might exist  if  "and " had been omitted from the intended phrasing "and/or " , where all options were open.    Not an easy interpretation to make.

However , it is the second question which is far more likely to be relevant. Suppose the committee had put an entirely wrong construction on the words, by saying  that " waving a fist at a player several yards  away "  fell easily  within their rather wide interpretation of what " threatening  behaviour "  should embrace . However , it is the court's role to judge  what words actually mean within a given context  , and as such it might well take a different  albeit  a much narrower   interpretation of its meaning . A guiding principle often used is based on the argument that the alleged offender cannot guilty of threatening behaviour if no reasonable man could so find. In other words , if no reasonable man would ever consider  waving a fist in the air several yards away as constituting a real and immediate threat to anyone's physical safety then no offence has been committed.  Therefore, if the club member had been expelled for just a demonstrative and theatrical gesture , then surely he is entitled to seek a remedy in law.

In conclusion , it seems that the court might well adopt the following rationale for resolving all such disputes. When the member joins the club , he only agrees to the committee exercising jurisdiction according to a correct and true interpretation of the rules..... and not according to a wrong and incorrect interpretation. One for instance  which could have come  about as a result of either a ground swell of bias against the accused, or as a consequence of the committee's fierce determination to implement strict new zero tolerance policies.

So the message is clear for all bridge club committees. It pays to seek legal advice over every contentious step of the disciplinary process,  including of course the original drafting of the words used in the constitution , and the subsequent interpretation of words where the meaning is suddenly thrown  in doubt . Clearly,  any meaning arrived at  needs to be logical, sensible and not too wide, if only to reduce the risk of court action ,  because ignorance and contempt of the law could easily allow incorrect interpretations to take place , leading  of course to wrongful expulsions .   

               

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY.......

• Seat - the target area of a well aimed kick ,  demonstrating to great effect the extreme disapproval of partner's play 
• Pack - a term used to describe predatory players of an unforgiving nature , who team up together in pursuit of easy prey
• Cross - what one has to bear when required to partner a numpty
• Enter ( dummy ) - to have it off with a life-size inflatable bridge player
• Force - what a fat bastard uses to get to the front of the buffet queue
• Go down - a term used in conjunction with " on one's knees "  to beg forgiveness for being so inept at bridge
• Open room - the place where one is most likely to find players bidding and making cold contracts
• Closed room - the place where the elite like to play to the exclusion of the riff raff
• Kick back - what any sensible red blooded player will do when provoked by an opponent
• Re-entry - a common occurrence when players are ( a) easily aroused , ( b) keen to score again ,  and ( c) blessed with unbelievable stamina  
• Unmakeable - a term used to label an attractive young female player , who has no interest whatsoever in sex. Other adjectives  often used to describe such a cold fish include impenetrable , inscrutable and insurmountable
• Deuce - a useless card destined never to make a trick . The term was originally used in 1936  by a visiting french bridge player to Stockport BC,  who on being dealt one hand after another with loads of twos screamed out " what the deuce is going on ? "  . This rhetorical question was purely aimed at conveying his extreme displeasure over picking up such lowly cards.  

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY..........

• Rescue  - an act occasionally carried out by concerned onlookers ,  who feel duty bound to protect a fellow member from his/her physically aggressive partner
• Ist position - the place where fat obnoxious players set out to occupy, when forming a  queue for the mid-interval buffet 
• 2nd position - the place where one expects to find the pot-bellied partner of the guy in front 
• Open pairs - an event which requires all well endowed  women to turn up in low slung dresses with plunging neck-lines 
• Double jump -  an unexpected bonus when teaming up with a more than willing partner
• First round - what the members of a winning team expect their captain to buy
• Bridge World - a strange and mysterious place full of geeks , social misfits and grumpy old people
• Dealer - one who  is renown for " pushing " , " sniffing " , and enjoying a " bit of crack "
• Turn - what mardy players tend to do when things go wrong
• Individual movement - a tragic consequence of being an incontinent bridge player

DR. JOHN'S CASE NOTES .........

The following information has been put together as a summary of my 5 year research into awkward , cantankerous, mule-headed, non-cooperative , extremely moody players. A good 40% of any club membership !

These are players who refuse to listen
                                   refuse to follow instructions and/or advice
                                   refuse to play to the agreed system
                                   refuse to lead back what you want
                                   refuse to bid their hand properly
                                   refuse to behave in an appropriate manner
                                   refuse to apologise, explain or even speak at all

These disciples of Dark Lord have what we psycho-analysts call a PERVASIVE REFUSAL SYNDROME . Normally associated with children and young teenagers , this shocking and highly disturbing condition also affects large numbers of bridge players, who are well into their 50's and beyond. The unusual state of affairs can be explained by the fact that the game of bridge causes many players to regress into their infant-like inner-selves, displaying all the character traits of Jung's  classic archetypal child : one who loves to challenge those in authority ,  by first  engaging in acts of infantile defiance before  " turning  " themselves into cold, immovable , emotionless statues. 

When things do not go well at the table table ,  and concerned partners  start to voice their concerns , the chronic PRS victims immediately go into a shut-down and lock-down mode. One form of refusal is quickly followed by another.  Indeed, my research suggests  they all  seem to develop a premorbid personality, where having started out with high self-expectations and visions of great scoring achievements , their response to coping with failure is to switch off completely.  As more effort is put into restoring communication with them , in the hope of resuming partnership normality , the more determined their resistance becomes .

I have seen victims slump in the chairs , almost into the foetal position , exhibiting a form of learned helplessness from the time as children  they experienced  traumatic stress disorders. Selective mutism is the most common symptom, alongside a whole range of somatoform disorders , such as a refusal to participate in any social or helpful activities , such as shuffling the cards , passing over the boards , checking the scores ,  making small talk,  and so on.

Victims seem driven to  create awkward atmospheres , by choosing to stay stubbornly silent and unresponsive. What little speech is used is barely audible , being either grunts or high pitched whines. In a nutshell ,  PRS turns players into complete bastards , who not only refuse to acknowledge they have a serious debilitating problem , but utterly refuse to consider any form of treatment. In other words they are " goners " and the bizarre world of bridge is stuck with them.    

                                          

AN OPEN LETTER FROM DR.JOHN.......

Dear Readers ,

The moment you entered the bizarre world of bridge , you unfortunately declared yourself as a "potential clients " for money grabbing psycho-analysts , who were wisely setting up practices in your local neighbourhoods .

When I first visited my local bridge club I quickly realised what a lucrative source of business I had fortuitously stumbled upon. Never in my life had I seen so many people under the same roof needing my services . Almost everyone I met or observed " had problems " , which left unattended would have required me at  stage to have quite a few sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

But what was even more amazing was the vast array of different syndromes , complexes , phobias and other psychological/personality disorders that only related  to bridge players  . Indeed , the more I researched into this phenomenon the more I realised that it was the game itself that brought on, and exacerbated , the symptoms of their disturbing afflictions. Bridge was clearly a mind changing drug ,  which simply triggered their inner demons to run rampant and take control. So part of my ongoing training , as with many other caring  practioners , involved taking up a religious oath in order to practice exorcism .

Tragically , only a few sufferers ever stepped forward me begging for help , willing and able to  acknowledge their deteriorating and highly embarrassing conditions . Others were brought kicking and screaming to my surgery by concerned friends and relatives , but always choosing to remain in stubborn self-denial . 

So I beg you to look at yourself as a bridge player and recognise the quirky , unusual and odd behaviours you have adopted since taking up this game . Accept the reality that bridge clubs are mad houses and theatres of the absurd. Therefore , by looking back at and reviewing my numerous posts , you can to some extent undertake a self-diagnosis , which could well be the starting point for your recovery. 

Yours touting as always for business,  Dr. John 

WHY
.....
WHY
.....
WHY
..... 

DO I

ALWAYS

FALL

FOUL

OF

SMART-

ARSED

DECLARERS ?

( Another tale of woe from Howard Bigot-Johnson )

This bloody game is causing me to develop a persecution complex big time. Why just the other day when I needed just a semi-decent score on the last very board to win the trophy of my dreams , I ended up with a rank bottom........courtesy of a declarer , who relied on his brilliance  , or unbelievable luck , to stumble upon the only way of bringing home the very popular 5D contract.

Looking at the full deal above , it seems that  most declarers will come to 3 losers ( 2H and 1C). After the queen of clubs opening lead , many of them obviously pinned their hopes on a 3-3 break in spades, ruffing the 3rd round ready to lob away two losers from clubs and/or hearts. But the 4-2 spade break scuppered their plans , inviting them to turn their attention to hearts.....hoping of course the Ace was with East. SInce there was no joy there... the score sheet was littered with 4D tick , or 5D-1.
However , at my table declarer took the opening club with dummy's Ace. Next , he played one cautious round of trumps , before playing the Ace/king of spades . At trick 5 a low spade was played from dummy, but then the bad break came to light. Ruffing with the jack he returned to dummy with a trump.  Now came the 4th spade on which declarer made the key play ( or hapless guess ) of discarding a club from hand . 
This meant I had been  well and truly end played with only hearts left in my hand. Forced to take the Ace of hearts , declarer had no difficulty whatsoever in wrapping up 11 winners, just losing the one spade and one heart .
So I ask myself....why is it that I get constantly thwarted, or should I say pulled up , just as I'm about to cross the finishing line ? Am I cursed ...or is it that God just doesn't like me ? Either way , coming second is like coming last....you're in amongst the losers , also-rans and wasters. And I don't like it one bit......

  

 " THE WAY THINGS OUGHT TO BE " DEPT :
 CARDINALS BC ETHICS AND  ETIQUETTE SUB- COMMITTEE v. BIGOT-JOHNSON ( 2009 )
It came as no surprise to anyone to see  Bigot being first up to  face charges of unethical behaviour , having brazenly signed a written confession about his questionable habits over the bidding and play of the cards. What follows next is a short extract from the hearing's transcript .

- Do you Bigot plead guilty to pulling cards out of your hand before it's your turn to play ? 

- Yes.....and I have submitted a written confession to that effect

- So what explanation do you have for this unacceptable practice ?

- Well , being an impetuous and impatient man , I like to crack on with both the bidding and play of the cards . I firmly believe in the principle of preparedness and so I know exactly what I'm going to do........ since it is so easy to predict the actions of others at the table

- But surely , this premature detachment of cards ......apart from being highly  unethical....doesn't make good bridge sense

- True....but I'm very good , for instance , at predicting what bid or card my RHO is going to play , such is the wooden thinking of most players I encounter . Moreover , there are many situations where I have no sensible alternative.......

- So tell me .....what is an opposition declarer  supposed to do ,  when pondering over what to play from dummy...... if you are waiting there. ....ready to play your pre-selected card ? 

- Yes , I can see how that might unnerve declarer....or perhaps put him under pressure to play faster......but hell it's the slowness of some players that is reducing this game to one of terminal boredom

- So have you anything more to say on this matter

- No.....other than to apologise for all my past misdemeanours . Furthermore , I solemnly swear not to force the tempo of the game , and to restrain my impetuous urges...... only reaching for a card when it is my turn to play

- Well I never....we are all very pleased to hear this, but despite the fact you have been very honest , upfront and apologetic , we cannot ignore the gravity of your misconduct. Therefore , we intend to publish your name on the club's newly conceived NAME AND SHAME NOTICE BOARD , which will feature every member found guilty of bad and shameful behaviour at the bridge tables

- Fair enough....so am I now free to go ?

- Regretfully no.....it appears you are also down for today's fourth hearning concerning your ultra quick passes over opponents' opening one-level bids......which in our view are clearly unethical by conveying obvious , albeit unauthorised ,  information about your hand to partner....

- Bugger....

BIGOT

ADMITS

HE WAS

WELL

AND

TRULY

FORKED !

..........

How Bigot cursed the day Morton's Fork came into being. Indeed , it was King Henry VII's chancellor ,  Cardinal Morton , who extracted taxes from London merchants with comfortable lifestyles on the grounds that could obviously afford to pay : and also from those that lived frugally , but  this time on the grounds that they must have salted their money away. This argument became known as Morton's Fork.

In bridge terms ,  this is a play that screws up a defender big time , whichever  way he chooses to play.  When such a manoeuvre was used to "f....k" Bigot , he becomes a very unhappy bunny. 

The contract was 3NT with South as declarer, and so Bigot confidently kicked off with the queen of spades. However , this South after taking the trick with the spade Ace spurned the diamond finesse !  Instead , he elected to lead a low club towards dummy's King. Bigot was well and truly f.....ked . 

If he rose with the Ace, declarer was home with 4C, 2S, 2H and 1D. If he ducked , then the king of clubs would hold , enabling declarer to switch to diamonds, happy to make instead 4D , 2H, 2S and 1C . 

Incensed like a rampant bull inside a cage full of waving red rags , Bigot rounded on South , who just happened to be the great Johnny Supremo  , spitting feathers like there was no tomorrow : " How come you declined taking the diamond finesse at trick 2 ........you bugger ? "

The answer was as swift as it was cutting : " You sir , by making that vulnerable 2 level overcall in spades made the contract a simple formality...... clearly , you were either in possession of the Ace of clubs or the king of diamonds. If you held the club Ace, I was home and dry ,  and even  if you didn't then I would succeed in 3NT anyway.... by simply picking up your diamond king. "