IF EVER
A GAME
WAS
INVENTED
BY THE
DEVIL
THEN 
BRIDGE
IS SURELY
IT........

( As seen
opposite  
in H.T.
Webster's
wonderful 
1930 cartoon 
depiction of
its true 
origins )

NEWSFLASH : BIGOT-JOHNSON AVOIDS TRIAL AND ESCAPES HEFTY DAMAGES AWARD

A group action by ex-members of the infamous Slaughter House BC stopped dead in its tracks , allowing the mightily relieved defendant , Bigot-Johnson ,  to walk away from the court exempt from paying any legal costs and damages. Apparently , when none of the plaintiffs turned up to direct and instruct their lawyers, the judge had no option but to find in Bigot's favour. Indeed , as the big man walked away a huge smile, ridden with smugness and offensive satisfaction , filled his face. 
Why these determined and vengeful plaintiffs failed to appear in court has now become a major concern to all their friends and family. Overnight they disappeared off the face of the earth. Rumours as to their current whereabouts are rife . One theory is that they have all gone into hiding , fearful that Bigot might yet again triumph in court at their expense. Others believe that if Bigot lost in court then he would make sure there would be hell to pay, and the thought of being hounded for life by this man was too much to bear. However, a small group of conspiracy theorists believe that their sudden and unexplained absence has more to do with the fact that somewhere in the grounds of the SHBC several new mounds of soil have been spotted , all having the appearance of hastily dug makeshift graves. Either that or the invasion of a family of nomadic moles.
       

NEWSFLASH : THE BENIGN BC MEMBERSHIP FINALLY BEGINS TO GROW

For the first time in months new members brought in exceeded old members booted out. The list of last month's applicants accepted by the committee as "suitable " are shown below :

Mr & Mrs Boring                    Sir Ian Lee
Ellie Gantt                             Amy Abel
Sue Goode                            Ann Nice
Fuller Love                             Len Suffering
Mr & Mrs St.Leigh                  Sue Pine
Biddy Bull                              Ima Darling
Jen E. Hall                             Bess Manners
Noah Greeson                        Reverend N. Godley
Mr & Mrs Caring                     N. Dearing

NEWSFLASH : BENIGN BC ( USA ) TAKE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ONTO A NEW SEMANTIC LEVEL

A few days ago the committee decided upon initiating a major cull to remove all unruly and undesirable members from the club. Top of the list were those renown for their awkwardness and vocal opposition with regards to the implementation of the best behaviour zero tolerance policy. 
The committee of course felt the need to relabel the cull as " a targeted membership restructuring , realignment , and reduction strategy for the spiritual well being and integrity of the club ". 
Semantics aside , members who believed they too might be under threat were naturally horrified at the implications of such a program being undertaken. However, the moment they voiced their opposition to this latest initiative , they unfortunately found themselves to be in the first wave to be thrown out on their ears.       

THE BENIGN BC ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY RULES 727-32

727. Under no circumstances whatsoever must a player call an opponent " a filthy low down cheating dog " , even though he/she just happens to be a filthy low down cheating dog.

728 . In the event a player breaks the above rule , requiring a TD to be called over to admonish
his/her most unwelcome slur on a fellow club member , that person must refrain from slagging off the official for failing to deal with the real villain of the piece , namely the cheating opponent.

729. If both the above two rules have been broken , the player concerned must not be seen or heard ranting and raving about the committee after receiving a summons to attend a disciplinary hearing, even though no action at all has been taken against the cheating dog who he felt obliged to chastise and expose. 

730. Should the unfortunate player find himself in breach of the above 3 rules , he must not challenge or contest the severe punishment metered out by the committee , having shown him/herself to be nothing more than a thoroughly foul-mouthed, objectionable psychological bully. 

731. If this obnoxious irritant insists on his/her right to an internal appeal , the blackguard must not berate , criticise or condemn the appeal panel " as useless tossers " especially when they are hand picked to endorse the committee's original decision, keen to deny that the player was a victim of extreme provocation perpetrated by the cheating antics of a rather unsavoury opponent.

732. In effect the club is more than willing to condone the widespread cheating that goes on in the interests of keeping its members happy , but it will not tolerate loud mouthed gits who get so pissed off with it all they fail to keep their emotions in check , or their thoughts strictly private.    

           

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG........

Dear Rebecca ,
What on earth is the blog Bizarrebridgeworld all about ? In my opinion it's the insane ravings of a man, who has massive hangups and an extremely warped multiple-personality disorder . Not only that he is crude , bigoted , and an all round nasty piece of work,  his blog is a sham having nothing to do with the game itself.
Do you agree ?

Yours utterly gutted by it all ,  Ima Herring 

Dear Ima,
Unlike you I find this blog both revealing and enlightening. If you care to read the blog title it should be obvious , even to a simpleton , that its content is about the " world " of bridge, focusing far more on the administration of the game , the way clubs are run , the types of people the game attracts , their psychological profiles , their petty politics , dealing with many of the contentious issues that forever blight this beautiful game. 
Moreover , the blog exposes and ridicules our human frailties and shortcomings. The author's observations are nothing more than a genuine attempt to prove that the world of bridge is truly bizarre. For beneath all the satire , lampooning , sarcasm , and crudity there lies unpalatable truths that very few of us are prepared to acknowledge and accept. And if bridge clubs are depicted as " asylums "  then this simply reflects the madness that goes on inside them. 
So my advice is this : if you only want to read about bridge hands then explore the many excellent blogs which are out there in abundance on the internet. Otherwise , take off your rose-tinted glasses and see the bridge world as Howard Bigot Johnson does.


Yours another realist and a hard nosed critic , Rebecca Rood
  
  

MORE GREAT WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE POETIC GENIUS DR. SIGMUND T. SCHUKELGRUBER

Good golly
Miss Molly
What a wally
Off her trolley
Wasting lolly
On such folly
As sponsoring over-charging, parasitic professionals who treat you with disdainful contempt

BRIDGE BOOKS ANY UP AND COMING PLAYER SHOULD READ..... ( Recommendations by Pun )

• That Nasty Officious TD Really Laid Down The Law..............Didi Harpon
• I'm Really Struggling To Find A Decent Partner....................May I. Askew
• How The Hell Are We Going To Beat This Crack Team ?.........Annie I. Deers
• Either You Do As I Bloody Say Or Else...............................Heidi Manditt
• There's Nothing That Man Can't Turn His Hand To................D. I. Wyman
• I've Got Some Unfinished Business With That Bigot-Johnson....Noah Hitman
• What Happened To You On Those Exciting Hands ?...............I .Camalott
• Losing Out To A Pair Of Cheats Is Really Hard To Take...........Art Hake
• He Only Likes To Play If There's An Edge...........................Cliff Walker
• My Club Is Run By A Load Of Power Crazed Individuals...........Des Potts

CATEGORISING BRIDGE PLAYERS........ ( By Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Bridge players can be categorised in many different ways , but for me there is only one way that makes any sense.
In both their hearts and minds , a large number of players have a strong desire and  inclination to behave unethically ,  in the hope that this level of dishonesty will get them further down the road to glory than doing things the right way. 
The next category of players , which account for nearly all the rest , are those who choose to behave ethically , either because  ( a ) they are too frightened of getting caught , or ( b ) they are incapable of developing the dark art of effective cheating.
Finally, we are left with a minority of gifted players , who are so talented at the game they are more than able to get good results without ever resorting to underhand tactics and unethical behaviour. 

BIGOT-JOHNSON FORMS THE  NEW CO-INCIDENCE CLUB WITHIN THE SHENANIGANS APPROVED CENTRE FOR CHEATING 

Yes the man has done it again with yet another stunning bold initiative. Certain members have been invited to join a club within a club , having been party to some amazing and spectacular co-incidences at the table. 
The latest pairings to join were..........

Flinch & Fox.....who on every occasion they quizzed their opponents about the meaning of an artificial suit bid always sat over the bidder with a huge holding in that particular suit

Coxcomb & Smug....who always managed to lead out an Ace whenever partner held a singleton in that suit , immediately setting up a ruffling position on the play of the next trick

Shyster & Flywheel ......who never failed to know the exact point count of partner's immediate double of an opponent's opening suit bid , given the precise lapse of time between the two bids

Little & Large.......who despite proving themselves to be completely useless at the game when partnering others , always managed as a pair to do extremely well in big money competitions and tournaments

Bluster & Bragg......who perfected the art of indecision and hesitation whenever they held a singleton in the suit being played , or a holding without the queen

Payne  &  Gripe .....who without exception psyched whenever the following circumstances presented themselves ( a ) two opening passes , ( b) favourable vulnerability , ( c ) weak opponents ,  ( d ) two good boards already bagged in a round of 3 , ( e ) player to bid in third position held a singleton spade or less but instead a long weak minor , (  f ) compulsory pre-empt bid of 3 spades

ARE BRIDGE PLAYERS INSANE ?............. (  Short article by Carp ) 

Albert Einstein once said " The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results ".
Well, I have witnessed many bridge players who habitually wander into the realms of magical thinking. Time and time again they believe that this time their deceptive , off-centre bids,  or their anti-percentage play of  the cards will create a difference ,  and earn them a great result . Inevitably their results are always the same : complete disasters. Bidding outside the system and playing against the odds are ploys destined never to succeed : ploys which define these players as complete lunatics.
So if clubs are overrun with crazies then surely they should be classified as asylums, where magical thinkers can safely lock horns with one another to turn this bizarre world of bridge into the theatre of the absurd .   

IN THE
SURREAL
WORLD
OF THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
COMMITTEE
MEETING
BIGOT-JOHNSON
MAKES A
DESPERATE
PLEA
........

" I need you bloody lot to change tack and face up to the gravity of the situation , by fighting tooth and nail to get me out trouble...."

DEFINING JUSTICE................... ( A short article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Justice has many components but some are more important than others. Aristotle , one of the greatest philosophers of all time , believed that the key element of justice is treating like cases alike. This idea however set later thinkers the problem of working out which similarities were most relevant. For Aristotle a parking offence warrants the same £50 fine, whoever the offender might be . Even if the offence was committed by someone for a second or third time , the fine should be the same. The whole notion of eventually hanging someone for a repeated offence would be a totally disproportionate punishment in relation to such a petty crime.
Similarly , Aristotle remarked that it is unjust to treat unequal things equally. Punishment and reward have to be in proportion to the offence committed or the act undertaken. Therefore , it would be totally wrong for a committee to impose a life ban on a member for an act which by any stretch of the imagination could only be defined or established as petty. Even if this petty misdemeanour was one of several complained about over the years, should that person's previous history now elevate it this latest incident into one of gross misconduct ? No, it should not , in that a parking offence still remains a parking offence , and not one which suddenly equates to murder. Moreover , if a person has been punished once for a crime it would be unjust to include that crime again in determining a more severe punishment for a similar offence.     
In work related situations , however ,  the law sees fit to regard repeated petty acts of misconduct , in spite of numerous oral and written warnings , as solid grounds for establishing gross misconduct, for which the dismissal becomes a justified option. But the situation here is fundamentally different in that every previous incident of petty misconduct complained of ,  no punishment had been handed out at all . The process here is to consider the whole episode of misconduct in just one single hearing to arrive at a fair and proportional punishment. 
On a final note, does justice permit mercy and magnanimity ? In my opinion , yes. Where wrongs were committed unintentionally , or with innocent intent , leniency should be applied. Moreover,  only he who is without sin should cast the first stone. No one should be judged against standards the rest of us fail to achieve. Justice and hypocrisy should never be allowed to walk hand-in-hand.  
    
    

BACK TO THAT 
SURREALISTIC
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
COMMITTEE
MEETING
AND ITS
LUNATIC
CHAIRMAN
......


" The club's in real trouble.........and I think Bigot-Johnson is about to nail our colours to his bloody mast !  " 

SURREAL
MOMENTS OF 
UNBEARABLE
TENSION
EXPERIENCED
BY ALL THOSE
ATTENDING
THE LATEST
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
COMMITTEE
MEETING
........


" Bigot-Johnson means business......he's gonna hammer away at us until we all toe the line....."

 BRIDGE BOOKS LOVED AND REVERED BY GAY PLAYERS........ ( Research by Pun )

• Have I Got A Bridge Story To Tell You..........................................Ariel Belta
• Against These Boys It's A Rear Guard Action.............................Baxter Thirwall
• If You Haven't Got A Partner There's Always A Stand-by............Ann Jobb
• Being A Member Of A Gay BC Does Have Its Advantages..........Seymore Butts
• I've Been Watching You For Quite Some Time............................Onya Case
• What Do You Do After The Bridge Session Is Finished ?..........Humphrey Knightley 
• My God He Never Keeps His Hands To Himself..........................Randy Aldman
• Tell Me Partner Do You Have You Any Preferences ?.................Dougie Stiles
• Partner's Sexual Orientation Is A Mystery To Me..........................Ann E. Nigmar
• That Young Bridge Protege Is Just Like His Father..................... Ria Henderson

JUSTICE AND TD RULINGS.............. ( Article by Carp )

Many TD rulings require the use of both discretion and judgement. Either the incident is not adequately covered by Book rulings , or that Book rulings fail to provide an adequate resolution to the problem. The sole objective of a TD should be to administer justice, which in essence is giving to each side what they are due.  The problem is knowing what is due ?
Indeed , an understanding of justice should be a prerequisite in any training programmes for TDs. For instance , justice requires that within the basic structure of fair play , benefit  ( or the benefit of doubt ) should go to least advantaged. Experts can expect , and therefore see through , incorrect explanations of bids nervously stuttered out by inexperienced novices. In the same way they can spot a psych , they can always tell when a mis-description has taken place. Similarly , justice requires a balanced overview of the infraction incident , and subsequent dispute , free from bias and prejudice. Moreover , justice requires a certain rectitude of mind , whereby the TD does what ought to be done as opposed to what he feels should be done, given the particular set of circumstances confronting him. 
Knowing what is due certainly involves administering either a deserved reward or punishment , and in some circumstances both. So when an infraction occurs it is vital to assess the degree of damage suffered by the injured pair. But this is no easy task. Damage may be impossible to quantify and decide upon , and if cannot  be determined then how does one know what should be done to address the wrong to meet the deserving needs of the victims.
In the case of failing give a proper explanation to a bid, surely no reward should be given to the injured pair if it can be established that the infraction did not affect the result . In such circumstances no damage has been done. Often the victims know that the description is wrong or incomplete , and as a result they are not steered into making wrong assessments about the layout of the cards. Again , because no damage has been caused to them , it is far more likely that they will benefit from playing a pair who are bidding on different wavelengths.
Nevertheless justice does require imposing some form of punishment on those who break the rules, and even although victims should not be allowed to profit from an infraction which caused them no loss , the perpetrators need to be dealt with in an appropriate way. This course of action may be necessary if only to serve as a deterrent against repeated misdemeanours. Depending on their degree of experience , the extent of how the bid was incorrectly explained, previous history ( if any ),  and whether or not they were a scratch or regular partnership, punishments should vary between a verbal reprimand and the forfeiting of imps or a percentage from their final score.

            

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED......

• Pack : the prevalent mentality of those hell bent on taking control of bridge club affairs
• Deck : the usual place an opponent gets laid on ,  after a table tiff turns nasty
• Eavesdropping : a widespread activity carried out by those determined to gain an unfair advantage , by secretly tuning in to overhear the catalogue of mistakes owned up to by others on nearby or adjoining tables 
• Prune : a highly descriptive term used to describe a wizened old player with a brain of a similar size 
• Bridge convention : devised by players in the hope that their names will live on long after they have departed  
• Friendliness : a concept or character trait alien to players sitting around a bridge table
• Committee : a body of elected individuals charged with high duties and misdemeanours
• Rumour : the perfect device so often employed with a high degree of success by unscrupulous club members ,  who wish to assassinate the good character of another 
• Bridge bore : an extremely annoying and irritating person , who never stops talking to those who never stop wishing that he would drop dead 
• Holding court : the popular pastime of a bridge bore 
• Insult : a derogatory remark next up in degree of enormity to a unwelcome snub or slight
• Discrimination : what takes place inside a bridge club when the particulars noted in one member are declared more objectionable than the same particulars observed in another

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY REVISITED........

• Defence:    what timid players tend to fall back on when unwilling or unable to launch a bidding attack
• Blind faith :  having a firm but misguided belief that a 7S contract can be made when missing the ace of trumps
• Bridge magic : the amazing ability of bringing home a 7S contract when missing the ace of trumps
• Nepotism : the common practice of recruiting family and friends onto a committee in order to consolidate power and eliminate resistance  
• Bridge club : a social and friendly setting which strangely appeals to both anti-social people and social misfits 
• Chairman : a power crazed individual who believes the pestilence of despotism is far far better than the plague of anarchy
• Indecision : the character trait you wish upon your opponents as the key to your success
• Serial psycher : a maverick bidder with a roving commission to do as he/she sees fit 
• Partnership harmony : a phenomenon rarely seen or achieved in the bizarre world of bridge
• Absurdity : a declared line of play which is manifestly inconsistent with one that uses elementary logic and basic counting to achieve success
• Self abasement : a decent and customary practice adopted by most inferior bridge players when apologising to their expert, extremely talented partners
• Social bridge player : a person whose vices and follies make him/her extremely unsociable   

MEANWHILE
BACK AT
THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE
BRIDGE
CLUB
........

BIGOT-JOHNSON PULLS OFF AN AMAZING COUP AT THE SHENANIGANS CENTER OF APPROVED CHEATING......

It was committee time and a crucial vote was about to be taken on an amendment to The Constitution , which would give even more power to the chairman " to do as he sees fit ". Bigot knew well in advance that quite a few of the committee members had grave reservations about this proposal, and might well vote against it. And so slyness and deception was needed.
Not surprisingly a fierce debate took place between Bigot and his main adversaries , which as planned gave no opportunity or scope for the silent majority to have their say or voice their opinions. Many of them just simply looked on in sheer disbelief.
As soon as tempers settled down the voting forms were handed out with a yes/no box to be ticked ( in secret ). The folded forms were collected in,  and carefully scrutinised, before being separated into two piles. As planned the larger pile represented the " yes " votes , and a declaration was made stating the 8 members voted in favour of the proposed amendment for change. With only 4 voting against, this meant that the 2/3 majority requirement had been met to give Bigot his hard earned victory. 
After the meeting had ended , all the disgruntled committee members headed off into the night to drown their sorrows. Shyster , the Center's exceedingly sly and shadowy secretary , approached Bigot to query how the vote went 8-4 in his favour  " when the secret surveillance cameras revealed that 6 had definitely voted against the proposed amendment ".
" Ah " said Bigot , " I anticipated this scenario ......and with slight of hand any magician would have been proud of........ I switched a doctored set of voting returns for the set that was done in the room. Relying on the fact that some of the objectors would not know about others , no one would suspect any foul play on my part. And that's why..........of course....... this place is called Shenanigans ! "
   

NEWSFLASH : ALARMING DEVELOPMENTS AT SHENANIGANS BC CAUSE  THE EBU TO GET EXTREMELY WORRIED............

It was bound to happen with Bigot-Johnson in charge. The ultimate chairman is on the verge of changing the name of the club to Shenanigans Center of Approved Cheating , such is the widespread practice of peeking , eavesdropping , walkabouts , expressive body language , coded card placements and gestures , loaded questions , hesitations and cunning use of TDs.
When questioned the chairman firmly believed that the best way to create a level playing field    " was to provide everyone with the same opportunities to develop and harness their cheating methods to the same universal standard ".
As a result of this bold brave initiative, special classes are being planned by the Bigot to educate those not yet familiar with the dark arts. Students will be taught and encouraged to use all the techniques so successfully employed by him over the years.
Indeed, the potential take up for these classes seems to be massive, with non-members from far and wide expected to join up. These are likely to include keen tournament players yet to achieve any level success , given their modest ability at the game.
Even the £100 session fee is not expected to curb demand as everyone seems utterly fascinated by the abstract beauty and subtlety of Bigot's dark and dastardly table antics, so full of invention , creativity and cunning. 
        

VOTED THE MOST SENSATIONAL BRIDGE  BOOKS EVER WRITTEN....... ( Survey results by Pun )

• I'm Almost Certain I've Got A 70% Scorecard Here.........................Shirley Isa Winner 
• She Doesn't Give A Damn About Over Bidding.............................Blythe Lee Gunn-Hoe
• Changing The Constitution To Give The Committee More Power....Ivan I. Deer
• This Legal Dispute Is Going To Set A Landmark Precedent............Tess Case
• As For Court Costs Whatever Will Be Will Be.................................Kay Sarah Serrah
• As Chairman I Never Let Anything Get Pass Me..............................I. C.Hall
• That Troublemaker Is Wasting His Time Seeking Readmission.....Enid Knott-Bother
• How Come That Flying Bridgemate Sent Him To Hospital ? ...........Ed N. Jurie 
• Did The Bridgemate Tosser Have A Target In Mind ?......................Hugh Noes
• She's Renown For Lambasting  Her Partners.................................Ruth Leslie Krule
• I'll Tell You Why I Passed Your  2 No Trump Rebid..........................Ivor Porrand
• Couldn't Help Overhearing Your Disagreement Over The Bidding....May I. N. Trude
• Our Exit From The NICKO Was In Round Two................................Earl E. Dawes
• Please Tell Your Players Not To Form A Disorderly Queue..............Stan N. Lyne
• Be Warned Partner , I'm Renown For My Explosive Temper.............T. N. Tee
• Don't Ever Let Opponents Bully Or Intimidate You.............................Mo M. Downe
• What Would You Have Done If Accused Of Cheating ?.....................Ida Dide
• It's Win Or Bust Time , Partner............................................................Orla Nuthin
• Please Don't Drop Me From The Team...............................................Ava Haart 
• If I'm Dropped From This Team I'll Top Myself...................................Harry Carrie

NEWSFLASH : MORE SHENANIGANS AT THE SHENANIGANS BC

Typically it is the club chairman, Bigot-Johnson , who  calls all the shots at committee meetings, but for once he was kowtowing to a higher authority within the ranks of the membership.  
Fearful of upsetting the club's star players he felt compelled to respond.  With their threats to leave the club ringing in his ears,  the beleaguered chairman had to take the bull by the horns. Bigot had to meet all their demands and steer the committee towards endorsing some unpalatable decisions , which in the normal course of events would have been rejected out of hand. 
Bigot had to box clever. There were going to one or two dissenting committee members who might well challenge these decisions and ask awkward questions. He needed to nail them down straightaway,  by hammering home the message " needs must when the devil drives ". So five minutes into the meeting, Bigot declared in no uncertain terms that any opposing points of view would cruelly undermine all the predetermined outcomes he, and his close confidantes ,  had previously worked so hard to engineer. The chairman also informed the group that any dissent would be treated as " acts of betrayal ,  injurious to the best interests of the club " . This would result in objectors facing disciplinary hearings with serious consequences. A super fast schedule for the meeting had also been drawn up , in order to reduce both the time and opportunity for objections to be lodged. Furthermore, the decisions that had already been made were all based on sound evidence and argument, which the chairman is his infinitive wisdom had prejudged as the only " credible and permissible " kind. Finally , in a bold attempt to let everyone know he meant business , Bigot handed out voting papers with pre-ticked  " yes " boxes, which was just as well as no-one had access to any pens , which happened to be safely locked away inside a stationery cupboard with no one being allowed to look for the keys. 
All in all then,  a thoroughly well executed exercise in getting one's way.
   

NEWSFLASH :
BIGOT-
JOHNSON'S
REVAMPED
COMMITTEE
IMPOSES
A NEW
ORDER
AT THE
SLAUGHTER
HOUSE BC
AGM
   









 

BLATANT HYPOCRISY ? WELL THIS LITTLE PIECE OF HISTORY  CERTAINLY TAKES THE BISCUIT......... ( A really really true story by Bridgemeister Gibson )

It always amazes me that people love to quote the rules when it suits them , but should such rules impede their aims and objectives they are immediately forgotten or ignored.
The hypocrite in question was adamant that the club had a policy , already implemented and working , which " prohibited naming individuals in notices or public display of minutes without their permission ".
This view was certainly advocated when this person on committee objected quite strongly about the transparency requirement to publish detailed minutes , which were prepared to name individuals and be quite explicit . 
However , when the same person was part of a new committee, and a key player within the inner circle , then this  particular view ( policy ) now had to be conveniently abandoned and ignored.   This was evidenced by the obvious approval of the chairman's decision , that the circumstances were right and proper to cast aspersions on named individuals in a widely publicised AGM report. 

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT ONCE MADE IT BIG IN ALASKA....( Claims Pun )

• So What If You Can't Beat An Opponent Legitimately ?.............Troy N.Conner
• One Bad Board And My Partner Threw In The Towel...............Gavin Quigley
• Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Taken Up This Damn Game.........Myra Grett 
• I'm So In Love With This Game Of Bridge.................................Hedda Vereels
• My Partner Thinks He's Good But He Talks A Load Of Crap....Bill Loney
• To Say All Those Wonderful Things About Me Is Great............Olive Yew 
• Partner, Your Walkabouts Will Give Me a Heart Attack............Buster Bloodvessel
• What To Say When You Catch People Cheating At Bridge......L. O. Hellow 
• In Bridge You Often Have To Feed Off Scraps.........................Carrie Ann Crowe  
• Are You Sure That This Is Where The Bridgemate Landed ?...Mark Z. Spott 

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............

Dear Rebecca,

Like all men of my age who play naff bridge , I feel obliged to go home and go over each bad board I played that night.
Although this practice could be described as a pointless form of self abuse , I see it more as a way of cleansing my sins in the pursuit of improvement and self learning. However, the time I spend punishing myself eats into my sleep to such an extent ,  that I'm lucky to get three hours kip before my alarm goes off for work.
Now into my early sixties I find it harder and harder to recover from this madness of self-inflicted sleep deprivation. I spend all day at work looking and behaving like a zombie. This of course is exacerbating my inability to focus and concentrate on my bridge at night, resulting in even more errors and more painful analysis when I get home.

Yours desperately needing help , Wally



Dear Wally ,

It seems to me that you are locked into a vicious circle , or should I say cycle of disadvantage.
Lack of sleep is clearly responsible for your careless mistakes and bad boards. Why you feel compelled to review your performance is beyond me unless it has a positive outcome, which in your case the opposite is true. Learn to forget about bad boards. Learn to accept failure and defeat , and focus on improvement in other less stressful ways. 
In order to break this cycle of late night post mortems of where you went wrong, rip up your scorecard on leaving the club , and go straight to bed when you get home. Moreover, it is so much more invigorating to bollock others rather than yourself.....and this needs to be at the table when your partner is still aware of his crass stupidity and inane play. Also it is necessary to go into a state of self denial regarding your own mistakes , and if you do then you will feel so much better for it. Hell , most players at my club have mastered this amazing art to perfection.

Yours forever cocooned from criticism , Rebecca  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............

Dear Rebecca ,
I have recently started up a partnership with a woman, who not only has a drop-dead gorgeous figure but can bridge like a champion. To watch her expertly bid and play the cards is like a breath of fresh air, especially after having spent 20 barren , trophy-less years partnering a complete dunderhead .  However, this breath of fresh air contrasts sharply with that being exhaled from her mouth . The poor woman has shocking halitosis. In fact I would say she has cavities , tartar, plaque, staining and gum disorders, all of which make silent bidding boxes a god send. 
Naturally , I feel obliged if only for my own health and well being , to keep conversation with her to an absolute minimum . Mind you , on every occasion we pair up I always remember to bring a bottle or two of mouthwash, insisting that she takes a swig or two before and after each set of boards. Surprisingly she didn't object , but despite having been on this regime for over a month her breath still continues to make me feel both uncomfortable and nauseous. The smell of rotting cabbage is the only way I can describe it.
What I need to know is how much longer should I be prepared to wait to give the treatment a chance to work ? Or should I consider going back to old partner and give up any hopes I have of winning a trophy ? What do you think ?

Yours in a quandary , Ronald


Dear Ronald,

These questions are tough ones indeed. In my opinion, I believe success at the bridge tables is worth the sacrifice. Could I endure hours of being bombarded with foul smelling exhalations of breath just to lay my hands on a trophy or two ? I guess the answer would have to be " yes ".
There is no greater feeling of joy and ecstasy than winning a competition in a top class field. So don't let your nose get in the way of success, glory and prestige. Live out your bridge dream.
But might I suggest  that you sit further back in your chair at the table, and douse yourself in the most powerful smelling aftershave available on the market.

Yours always looking to sniff out clever solutions to tackle difficult problems , Rebecca
    

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S FOOLPROOF GUIDE ON HOW TO SPOT CHEATS..........BECAUSE THERE'S PLENTY OF THEM OUT THERE !

12  CLASSIC TELL TALE SIGNS

1. They regularly leave their seats for reconnaissance walkabouts
2. Pricked ears at all times eager to tune in any loose table talk  nearby
3. An inability to fully explain their system card or a sloppy understanding of it
4. Constantly fidgeting in an attempt to fully utilise the genius of body language
5. Complementing the bidding and playing of cards with appropriate facial expressions
6. Regularly getting scores way beyond their level of ability
7. Forever seeking the assistance of directors to get bad scores adjusted ( on any pretext  whatsoever )
8. Asking questions about an opponent's artificial or system bid when it just so happens to be their suit 
9. An inability to sit upright , often leaning one way and then the other in an attempt to capitalise on their bendy necks and eagle eyes
10. Hesitating in a multitude of different ways to cater for each different set of circumstances and/or particular situations
11. Highly competitive result merchants with nasty, unforgiving dispositions
12. Unprincipled and unscrupulous in other aspects of their lives         

MOMENTUM
GATHERS
PACE AS 
PLOT TO 
OUST
BIGOT-
JOHNSON
IS PUT
INTO FULL
SWING
.......

" Heavens above.......just how much dirt , scandal and damning information is there going into this dossier of evil on Bigot-Johnson ? "

BIGOT-JOHNSON'S SUPERB GUIDE TO HELPING YOU DECIDE " AM I A CRAP BRIDGE PLAYER ? " 

THE CLASSIC TELL-TALE SIGNS :

- seeing problems where none exist
- failing to see problems which are blatantly obvious
- unable to see the bigger picture 
- selling out too easily in competitive auctions
- allowing numpties to put one across you
- forever making the same mistakes
- a firm believer in magical thinking
- capitulating even under the slightest pressure
- difficulty to recalling what cards have been played
- opponents looking pleased when you arrive at their table
- never being able to keep regular partners
- never being asked for your opinion or advice about a hand
- leaving post mortems on difficult hands confused and bewildered
- seeing novices also prepared to take liberties against you
- unable to work out what went wrong
- hearing raucous laughter in the bar when stories about your bidding and play are being 
  told
- unable to remember the last time anyone asked you to make up a team
- partners regularly phoning in with cancellation apologies
- averages scores well below 50%
- any score above 50% seen as a major triumph
- numerous lapses of concentration as your mind goes on " walkabouts "
- filling up system cards with conventions that are ( a) completely useless , ( b) never
  fully understood, and (c) pose more problems than solutions
- always happier when partner is declarer
- playing in a suit contract on 6-6 fit but allowing an opponent to make his singleton trump

FICTION FROM WONDERLAND......OR IS IT ?..... ( Another strange tale from Bridgemeister Gibson )

The trial  was over in minutes. The Mad Hatter had been found guilty despite all reasonable doubt, and the sentence off-with-his-head  shocked Alice to her core. As his defence counsel , why had she been forbidden to speak up on his behalf ?
" I shall challenge this decision in a higher court " she told the distraught and despondent Mad Hatter, " The Queen has to acknowledge our right of appeal ". And so it came to pass that an appeal was granted. The Queen of course invoked her right to randomly select a judge from her pool of acceptable candidates. Lord Grief Justice , Oliver Stead ,  was the man hand picked to do " the job ". 
Immediately , he wrote to Alice informing her that he agreed with the Queen's decision to have her client beheaded, uttely convinced that the original trial was fair and above board. Alice was gobsmacked. How could Stead prejudge the outcome of the appeal without hearing her case first ? So weeks later,  it came as no surprise when her appeal fell on deaf ears. Stead's blinkers were well truly on throughout the whole trial. The sentence stood, and all Alice's witnesses were declared liars only to be tried later for contempt of court.
Poor Alice was left to reflect on the gross injustice that been inflicted upon the Mad Hatter, and how in this absurd world the die had been cast, and his fate sealed ,  right from the outset. 
" I do hope that nothing like this ever happens in my world " she said. 
" No...." replied the Mad Hatter " it's only in Wonderland where one is left to wonder why things are so awfully strange and incredibly bizarre ...." 
" Or is it ? " chirped in a bleary eyed but intuitive dormouse.     

NEWSFLASH ( by Pun ) : RUMOUR HAS IT THAT BIGOT-JOHNSON.........

- is completely bent and in denial
- finds men more fun to play with
- regularly sponsors ringers
- tells members at a gay bridge club that bottoms can be very painful
- loves to stuff opponents new to the game
- doesn't like peaking too soon preferring instead to come from behind
- once partnered an Aussie fast bowler renown for ball tampering
- let it slip out that his single raise had nothing much to commend it
- really enraged dwarf supporters by confessing to feeling grumpy throughout an entire 
  bridge match
- lacks balls when it really matters
- was caught with his pants down inside a toilet cubicle eavesdropping on two players
  discussing hands
- got shafted in a 6 spade contract on a 4-4 trump fit when LHO turned up with a stiff in
  his suit

SHENANIGANS
BC CHAIRMAN
( THE
INFAMOUS
BIGOT- 
JOHNSON )
YET AGAIN
PUTS HIS
COMMITTEE
MEMBERS
RIGHT
ON A
POINT  OF
CONSTITUTIONAL
IMPORTANCE
.......

" How dare you insinuate that we are not doing things by the rules........of course we are......but unfortunately for the unknowing membership they just happen to be MY RULES  "

SHENANIGANS
BC CHAIRMAN
PUTS
COMMITTEE
MEMBERS
RIGHT
ON A
MATTER
OF
PROTOCOL
.......


" What do you mean ?........We're conducting our meetings in secret , demonstrating a total lack of transparency........For God's sake you lot.......... just look at the door......it's not closed at all.......in fact it's completely wide open "   

BIGOT-JOHNSON IS TO INTRODUCE ANOTHER    EXCITING BATCH OF AWARDS AT THE CLUB'S FORTHCOMING AGM PRIZE GIVING CEREMONY....

Yes , Bigot-Johnson has done it again ,  by taking another giant step to ensure that no member leaves the AGM without an award of some kind . With so many trophies going to the usual suspects year after year , Bigot was determined to acknowledge the outstanding achievements of those who were destined never to win at bridge. As far as he was concerned bridge is all about using one's head, and so in recognition of this fact all the new awards are " head " related....

1. Toffee Nose Award ....for the member whose overly supercilious and pretentious   behaviour caused even hardened bystanders to experience nausea and sickness

2. Pinocchio ( long nose ) Award ....for the club officer renown for telling  the biggest porkies and most outrageous lies 

3. Bare Faced Cheek Award .....for the player whose table behaviour is so audacious, brash , brazen and shameless several death threats have been made against him

4. Pricked Ears Award.....for the player who has demonstrated an awesome ability to tune into any table conversation ( about boards ) from even the other end of the room

5. Head In The Sand Awards.....for all those members who refuse to hear and accept the painful truth , preferring instead to believe the clap trap coming from those who speak with forked tongues

6. Brown Nose Award .....for the most sycophantic club member who is willing to go to almost any length to obtain acceptance and approval from those regarded as top dogs

7. Brown Tongue Award....for the member who has been prepared to debase himself fully ,  by going that extra length in an attempt to curry favour with the club's elite 

8. Giraffe Neck Award.....for the player who has developed an uncanny knack of stretching his neck out a very long way in an attempt to peek at his opponents' cards

9. Bone Head Award.......for the dunce who has gained the most publicity for his/her completely inept play, which happens to be a consequence of his stupidity, slowness and mulish stubbornness 

10. Big Mouth Award.....for the loudest attention-seeking  member, who insists on holding court to all those foolishly stupid enough to give him the time of day 

11. Brass Neck Award.....for the player who received a bucket load of complaints for the most staggering and daring display of rudeness towards harmless and overly sensitive   opponents 

12. Split Hair Award.....for the most pernickety  club member , who by setting out to be both argumentative and awkward constantly quibbles over the smallest details, forever making petty and pointless distinctions  

13. Blind Eye Awards.... for club members who choose to ignore information , which contradicts  either their prejudices and beliefs , or the behaviour of others which they know to be wrong  

14. Eagle Eye Award.....for the player who loves to leave his seat for walkabouts , intently watchful of dummy's exposed cards on boards soon to be played at his table 

15. Evil Eye Award......for the player who has developed a particular skill of gazing or staring at opponents because he/she suspects foul play or cheating        

THE FARMER WHO KILLED HIS NEIGHBOUR'S HORSE ( INSTEAD OF HIS OWN )........... A follow up article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi

J.L. Austin was a 19th century metaphysical philosopher who was interested in the use of language and the ways that it could be utilised deliberately to influence the listener.
This type of thinking was demonstrated in The Farmer Who Killed His Neighbour's Horse I instead of his own ). There is one scenario which establishes guilt for a nasty, vindictive crime ,  in that he intended to kill his neighbour's horse. A deliberate and premeditated act.
However , there are also two other scenarios which might suggest innocence on his part.
Having marked the selected beast with indelible dye before performing the task, in the second scenario he discovers that he had indeed shot the intended animal but had marked the wrong beast. In the third one, having marked the correct horse and on taking aim, at the moment of firing the marked horse ran away and the farmer 's shot hit the other beast , which was standing several yards further away , but directly in the line of fire. Austin decided the outcome of a trial would depend a great deal on which scenario was accepted as the likely truth , and whether words to explain an unintentional mistake in the second situation , or an unfortunate accident in the third,  would achieve the desired effect of establishing some degree of innocence on his part.
Scenarios two and three would always establish the absence of intent,  but for many who sit in judgement the facts relating to taking deliberate aim , and brutal killing of his neighbour's   horse might well paint the farmer as a merciless villain , who needs to be severely punished.
So what a player who moves a heavy object across a table towards an opponent sitting to his left. Facts could be dressed up in a language that describes the act as " offensive and aggressive ", being tantamount to an assault intending to cause fear. However, as in the farmer's story, a number of other more innocent scenarios might also exist. The movement of the object was carried out to make a sarcastic point, to demonstrate a feeling of frustration and annoyance, or to attract attention through a petty act of childish petulance.   All acts of " inappropriate behaviour  " but ones which fall well short of intentional harm.
For any one who is asked to make a judgement as to the degree of misconduct and what would be a proportionate punishment , a thorough investigation is needed to ascertain what  were the intentions of the accused at the relevant time, relying only ( one hopes ) on the choice and interpretation of words submitted in evidence, which are devoid of subjective bias, gross under/over statements, and emotionally-charged prejudices. And if intention can not be established by objective and impartial analysis, then the presumption off innocence must be duly applied.  

     
     

THE PROBLEM WITH JURIES .......AND OF COURSE DISCIPLINARY  PANELS       ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Disciplinary panels , which set out to deal with complaints about a player's alleged misconduct ,  are required to undertake a similar role to that of a jury. They must review the evidence ,  and reach a verdict regarding the question of guilt in relation to the breach of a specific rule or offence.
Well, according to the author of an article in the Buffulo Law Review juries often make mistakes, especially when prevailing attitudes, beliefs and prejudices blinker their thinking. When prejudgement precedes a trial , then justice is in jeopardy.
In an ideal world , juries are formed from randomly chosen people on the electoral roll , who are then accepted by both sides as having no prior knowledge of the accused, or his past history, which might well colour their judgement. So how does this square up with a disciplinary panel who knows the accused member all too well, having strong opinions about that person ,  based on their own observations, past experience and snippets of gossip which have come their way ?  It doesn't . Their ability to remain impartial , and to approach the task with open minds , can be summed up in one word....zero. Bias in these disciplinary scenarios can not be avoided or denied , and so the crucial question becomes  " to what level is it at ? ".  In the cases quoted in the article, the degree of racial prejudice was so extreme , that innocent black people were all found guilty, when facing all white juries . 
Disciplinary panels , like their criminal court counterparts , will often encounter committee members who have initial doubts about an accused's guilt. These " hold outs " are unconvinced at first , having recognising a lack evidence to establish any wrongdoing , or that the case against the accused has no real merit. However,   others who with closed minds and a desire to punish ,  will then set about convincing the waverers to see things their way. The doubters , finding themselves trapped within a culture riddled with prejudice and bias, inevitably decide to toe-the-line. Might is right is it not ?. 
Indeed, in the cases quoted in the article, irrespective of how magnificent the defence has been , the jurors choose to believe the worst , focussing only on those facts which confirmed their initial beliefs,  no matter how flimsy or questionable these facts were. No rational explanation of innocence was ever likely to be acknowledged or accepted. " It was if some contour in their minds prevented them from seeing and perceiving facts as humans otherwise would ". Therefore, whenever a prevailing lynch mob mentality is present ,   the likelihood of a fair trial or disciplinary hearing taking place becomes almost zero. The more an accused is perceived as " bad ", the more likely jurors will hear only what they want to hear , and see only what they want to see. When the blinkers are on they stay on.
Ingrained belief systems , cultural, race or gender bias , will always determine which facts are going to be accepted or ignored ,  and how the accepted facts are going to be interpreted. Bias has a habit of distorting rational thinking, and causing people to act in bad faith. Prejudice distorts one's use and understanding of language , along with one's sense of proportionality and fair play.
I can always recall a murder case where one of the accused yelled out to the other " let him have it ". The jury was quick to agree that the words were an evil command " to shoot the officer using both barrels " as opposed to an alternative , and more innocent interpretation , of "  just hand the shotgun over to the officer  ".
Therefore , in all those cases where intent is not known or cannot be proven , it would be totally wrong to allow bias to provide an answer.