CLASSIC EXCUSES GIVEN BY WELL BEATEN PAIRS AFTER ANOTHER TOURNAMENT DEBACLE....( Article by Carp )

Show me players in constant self-denial, the obnoxiously conceited.....players with over-inflated opinions of themselves....... refusing to face up to the truth about their mediocre performances ....and I will show you players who are the grand masters in making excuses. 
These sad, pathetic individuals possess, at best, above average skills yet they will always excel at finding reasons for their " disappointing " results, stating a multitude of external factors which have all conspired against them. Naturally,  there's never any mention of their internal shortcomings and weaknesses at playing the game.
Excuses will come fast and furious but none will ever hint at the root cause of their failings : namely a crippling inability to succeed. So let's look at a few of their bland excuses, whilst dwelling on the perceptive words of George Washington Carver ......." Ninety-nine per cent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses ".


- We didn't get the cards
- The cards were against us
- The cards didn't suit our bidding system ( or style )
- The hands were evil
-  It was never meant to be
- We never received any gifts
- We were born under the wrong sign
- All the decisions we made turned out wrong
- All the decisions the opponents made turned out right
- TD rulings all went against us
- The field was packed with cheating dogs
- Neither of us had a good night's sleep beforehand
- The room was too noisy ( or too cold )
- The lights were too bright
- The only luck we ever get is bad luck
- We were robbed
- Our minds were elsewhere
- It's been a long season
- We didn't concentrate enough
- We concentrated too hard
- Someone up there had got it in for us
- We weren't really bothered about this tournament
- We were never drawn against an easy pair
- All our opponents were dead jammy

12 THINGS THAT WOULD PUT PEOPLE OFF FROM JOINING YOUR BRIDGE CLUB......... ( Article by Carp )

1.  Scratch marks on the insides of all the exit doors
2.  Blood on the walls
3.  " We're Watching You " signs on every wall and door
4.  A committee room that is a shrine to The Spanish Inquisition
5.  Metal grilles on all the downstairs windows
6.  Cupboards full of ready-to-use body bags
7.  Committee members called Mengele 
8.  Uniformed members all wearing Zero Tolerance Law Enforcement Officer arm-bands
9.  Dead bodies still to be removed from their sitting seats
10. Cries of help and agonising pain emanating from the downstairs cellars
11. Unmarked gravestones dotted all over the club's grounds
12. TDs wearing black balaclavas and carrying baseball bats 

NEWS FLASH :  NEW EXCITING GROUND BREAKING RABBIT BASHING BIDDING SYSTEMS ABOUT TO BE UNLEASHED ON NOVICES, NODDIES AND EXPERTS ALIKE ....... ( Article by Carp )

 Yes.... Auken and Welland may believe they have develop the mother of all convoluted and complex bidding systems, but my researchers have unearthed others, which are currently being developed to surpass theirs in terms of being completely unfathomable to novices, numpties and experts alike. These systems are at the cutting edge of obscure, nebulous bidding vagaries . 
So sit back and await their introduction at the forthcoming major events across the world. Young, smart arse, geeky, bridge obsessed maniacs will trumpet the arrival of their mind blowing systems, which will take ordinary mortals a lifetime to comprehend and understand :

- Enigma Variable Club
- Paradox Imprecise Precision Club
- Gordian Knot Blue Diamond
- Infinite Possibility Club
- Transfer Orientated System from Hell ( TOSH)
- Super Imprecision
- Opaque Glass Diamond
- Poser Puzzle System
- The illusory Magic Diamond
- DONT ASK System
- Question Mark Two-Club
- Overly Modified Modified Club
- Conundrum Club
- Discombobulate Diamond
- Fabricated Spade System
- Flummox Amaze and Befuddle Club ( FAB )
- The new ACOL ( Amazing Concoction Of Lies )
- Multiple Personality Disorder System
- Weavers Tangled Web
- The Morass Spade
- Labrinth Super Diamond
- The Bent Club
- Italian Rainbow Club
- The Magic Now You See It Now You Don't Club
   
     

DEVELOPING THE PERFECT BIDDING SYSTEM : THE 10 UNDERLYING PRINCIPLES.......... ( Article by Carp )

1. Make sure your bids convey far more information to partner than they do to the opponents 

2. Keep natural bids to an absolute minimum ( preferably zero ), using artificial bids to describe your hand in a far more obscure but effective way.

3. Use a multitude of rarely known and cleverly adapted gadgets and conventions, not to mention a stack of multiple meaning bids, making sure the majority of them deny the opponents an effective defence or counter-measure.  

4  Fill your system card with as much information and detail as possible, such that the sheer volume of it is enough to put off, or bamboozle, the inquisitive opponent

5. Use at the one level a " forcing a game " bid, which avoids having to use wasteful jump bids. This way,  there is far more time and bidding space to convey additional information about your hand to partner.

6. Bedazzle and bemuse your opponents with a relentless onslaught of " alert " cards, and if the opponents have the effrontery to ask what they mean, then resort to using one or more of the following tactics
(i) give highly complex and technical answers which would blow anybody's mind
(ii)  provide lengthy, long-winded, extremely convoluted explanations which would leave opponents more perplexed than they were before
(iii) state a lot of half truths, which are guaranteed to lead the opponents down the garden path to misunderstanding and misinterpretation

7. During a competitive auction make far greater use of the  pass, double and redouble cards. For instance, the pass card for every situation should have a different meaning, such as
(i)   I really do have absolute crap
(ii)  I've no further interest in this auction
(iii) I'm worth another bid but I'm far more interested in defending
(iv) I would have bid no trumps, but such a contract plays better from your side
(v)  forcing

8. In an uncontested auction ensure that bidding proceeds in a slow and very elaborate way, such that after 20 or more bids to complete the auction, you know exactly what 13 cards partner has got   ( and vice versa ).....even down to the last pip 

9. Use time delays to convey essential information to partner. For instance, after a bidding sequence 1C - 2D overcall - 2H - Pass- ?
An accurately timed response of 3D might well carry the following information :
 0-5 seconds   = sign off in 3H
 6-10 seconds =  looking for no trumps if you can help out in diamonds
11-15 seconds = bid NT partner if you have a guaranteed diamond stop
16-20 seconds = forcing, agreeing hearts                                                         
21-25 seconds = I have 6 clubs and 4 decent spades

10. Make clever use of the imaginary bidding square in which to place your opening bid. Each  of the 4 sides can convey an extra but vital bit of information. For instance, your INT bid ( 12-14)
can be more accurately described if the card is placed down on the correct side :
Top : Good 11
Right : 12
Bottom 13
Left : 14

  
  

REBECCA ROOD'S MAILBAG..............

Dear Rebecca,
I have just read on Howard Bigot-Johnson's blog about how many clubs have taken to the idea of giving awards to their members for good behaviour, as a way of promoting these much heralded Zero Tolerance Policies.
Well, our little club strives very hard to maintain its social and friendly image, and we welcome the idea of handing out good behaviour awards. Have you any suggestions which might inspire the members to hold their tongues a bit more ?

Yours Tabitha Goody

Dear TG,
Yes, I've got quite a few suggestions, which are as follows :

- Quiet As A Church Mouse A|ward
- Clean Slate Award
- Walking On Egg Shells Award
- Staying On An Even Keel Award
- Good As Gold Award
- Turn Over A New Leaf award
- Butter Wouldn't Melt In The Mouth Award
- Toeing The Line Award
- Kowtow To Others Award
- Hold Still Award

Most of these have been recently introduced into my club, which has now encompassed the soulless characteristics of both a monastery and a morgue.

Yours almost on the verge of leaving, Rebecca Rood  

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB ZTP Rule No.680.......

Twenty grotesque acts you must never perform on your partner within the confines of the club house and grounds :

1.  Have his guts for garters
2.  Beat the living daylights out of him
3.  Beat the living crap out of him
4.  Give him what for
5.  Nail him to the wall
6.  Come down on him like a ton of bricks
7.  Shove it right up him
8.  String him up by his balls
9.  Beat him black and blue
10. Rap his knuckles
11.Slap his wrist
12. Thrash him within an inch of his life
13. Run him into the ground
14. Fit him up with concrete shoes
15. Put him under the cosh
16. Roast him alive
17. Give a right good pasting
18. Give a right good licking
19. Put the heebie jeebies up him
20. Put him through the wringer 

Players at the table must learn to live and let live, keep a stiff upper lip, bite the bullet, grin and bear it, and suffer in silence. 

Footnote : We the committee have endeavoured to make our rules unequivocally clear cut, so that members are in no doubt whatsoever about what they allowed to do their partners ( by omission ), and what they are not permitted to do.   

BENIGN BRIDGE CLUB : ZTP Rule No. 678

No member, irrespective of how extreme the circumstances are, is allowed to berate, carpet, lambast, rap, rebuke, reprimand, scold, harangue, decry, lecture, remonstrate, mouth, rail, rant, badger, bedevil, chafe, henpeck, nag, needle, rile, accuse, or criticise his/her partner, let alone cause an unpleasant atmosphere by moaning, whining, bitching, carping, griping, groaning, grousing, growling, grumbling, snivelling, whimpering, and squawking under his/her breath.

At all times every effort must be made to suppress the natural urge and desire to tell your partner he is a complete idiot, bozo, clown, fool, prune, dolt, blockhead, imbecile, jerk, bumpkin, chuff, oaf, yoke, bonehead, muttonhead, cretin, moron, dimwit, dork, pudding, dumbbell, ignoramus, dunce,nincompoop, nitwit, twit, donkey, duffer, feather brain  or clod. 

All members are expected to smile and look happy, endeavouring to treat partners with the utmost respect, courtesy and politeness, irrespective of the extreme grief, pain, suffering, anxiety and frustration they may be experiencing. 

( Footnote : Any member, who is clearly distraught by the inane antics of his partner,  needs to be reminded that a black balaglava and baseball bat is available for hire, if he wishes to vent his spleen in an anonymous and self-satisfying way.......well OUTSIDE the boundaries of the club house. )  

BIGOT-JOHNSON SEES DR.JOHN...........

B-J : Doctor I feel terrible......
Dr.J : In what way ?
B-J : I'm a bad person.....full of sanctimonious twaddle and self-righteous bullshit
Dr.J : No.....
B-J : Who loves taking the higher moral ground
Dr.J : No....
B-J : Yes....who writes a monstrous bridge blog which is nothing more than malicious drivel 
Dr. J : No...
B-J : Packed with vulgar, vitriolic and vile articles
Dr. J : I would never have guessed.....
B-J : Where a single grain of truth gets embellished by fictitious bile.... supposedly under the pretext that the article is clever and inventive writing , rich in parody and satire
Dr. J : You do yourself a disservice.....
B-J : Doctor.....my sick, bitter and twisted mind needs to be thoroughly cleansed, sterilised ....purified....freed from invasive poison that has corrupted it over the years .....I desperately need your help
Dr. J : There....there.....no need to cry.....you're just a bit depressed.....that's all
B-J : Really ?
Dr.J : Yes....so why not take one of my own brand happy pills
( Bigot-Johnson swallows one down and the effect is immediate )
B-J : Wow.....do I feel better
Dr.J : In what way ?
B-J : I have this wonderful feeling of euphoria.....
Dr.J : Yes ?
B-J : I feel the need to go out, buy a gun, rush back to the Slaughter House, drag out a pantopod and shoot him there and then in cold blood
Dr. J : Back to your old self I see
Br. J : Tell me doctor how much do you want for those pills ?....I've got my cheque book with me so just name your price
Dr. J : £5,000
B-J : It's a deal....why with £1.3 million in my personal bank account that's just small change
Dr.J : Well, thanks for the cheque
B-J :  Duty calls....time I buggered off....important things to buy
Dr.J : Yes...no time like the present.....
   
  

THE LEGAL STATUS OF BRIDGE CLUBS : THE RISKS AND DANGERS OF BEING AN UNINCORPORATED ASSOCIATION........ ( Article by Professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

Any sports and social club has a choice over its legal status : the options being ( i) an unincorporated association (ii) a charity, or (iii) a private limited company. However, the purpose of this article is not to look and the pros and cons of each, but to explore the implications of being an unincorporated association.
Having no separate legal identity or personality puts the club members into a very awkward situation right from the start. Since the club is not a legal entity in any shape or form it cannot sue or be sued, or hold property in its own name. Accordingly, when an outsider is trying to sue the club the first crucial question to answer is this : who is actually liable ? 
Certain individuals in the club must therefore be made legally responsible for the actions alleged to be wrongful. Instances of ordinary members becoming liable for debts incurred are very unlikely, especially when the officers of the club have consented, under the provisions of the constitution , to take on full management responsibilities.    
Often third parties are sometimes unsure as to which individual members and officers to sue, never confident of the legal outcome of their actions, even when successful. For instance, can the damages and costs awarded to them be met by the losing defendants ?
Sadly, the law relating to unincorporated associations is both a scant and confusing, and because of the lack of case law it is difficult to be definitive on what questions need to be explored, and how those questions might be answered.  Can clubs borrow money ? What powers of borrowing, if any, have been conferred on the committee, or the club's trustees, and what limits and restrictions are in place ? Does substantial borrowing have to be secured against club property?  Do committee members or officers have put themselves up as guarantors, or as named individuals who are prepared to be personally liable in the event of any repayment default ?
The distress, so often felt by many concerned members,  is often compounded by uncertainty and hopeless attempts to determine what their actual liability is. Ask the complacent club member and you will get two conflicting views of the position : either they are not liable for any debt, or they all face the risk of unlimited liability. Some quite rightly believe that a member's liability should be limited to the amount of the subscription, because when he joins a club he does not intend to incur any liability beyond his subscriptions payable under the rules. However, given that a member or an officer could be found liable for a debt,  his liability is usually unlimited.
Then there's the issue of differentiating  between members' donations and members loaning money to the club. Donations should be considered as income as no liability is incurred on receipt of the funds handed over. Loans however do involve some form of contractual undertaking, where the funds received place a financial short-term ( or long-term liability ) on the club's balance sheet. Indeed, when ever the club borrows money, from whatever source, legal advice would well be advised. Any loan taken out by the committee, or the club's trustees, needs to be an authorised and/or permitted activity within both the club's internal rules, and the law of the land. But in what ways might this authorisation come about ? Given that loans are contracts  will members,  who subsequently ratify such transactions entered into on their behalf without previous authority, become equally liable ? Tough questions even for those some basic knowledge of the relevant law. 
The irony of course is that unincorporated associations are usually managed and run by willing, enthusiastic volunteers, who by having little or no idea of the law allow obscure and difficult legal issues to be ignored, or overlooked. Ignorance in law is never an excuse. Therefore, when risks and dangers lurk in the uncharted waters of legal uncertainty, it is perhaps better to sail in well mapped seas, preferably in a ship registered as a private limited company.  


       

  

DR.JOHN'S CASE NOTES : THE CRONOS COMPLEX

The stereo-typical male bridge player, irrespective of his level of ability, tends to harbour the notion that he is by far the stronger half of a partnership, or the strongest link in the team. Vanity, conceitedness, and self delusion are just the incidental characteristics,  possessed by those who fall victim to this particular complex .
However, the most crucial and important component of this tragic condition is that whenever the victim perceives any threat to his perceived status as the " stronger " player, he immediately sets about the task of devouring his doubting partners and teammates. His desire to eat them alive becomes overwhelming. The risk of being disposed as " king " requires a brutal response, and the verbal assassination of any pretender to his crown.
Unable to cope with the thought of being the weaker link or playing second fiddle, the Cronos sufferer might eventually be forced to take even more drastic action, such as taking on new partners and team mates, who no doubt will be in awe of his status. Careful selection will ensure these recruits are close to his standard, but never exceeding.
Sadly, the Cronos Complex is one that cannot be treated without the victim experiencing the urge to commit suicide, if asked to face the unpalatable truth. The reality that others are, or could become, better players than him is one he doggedly sets out to reject.   

BRIDGE BOOKS BEST KEPT OUT OF SIGHT.......( By pays-to-be-cautious Pun )

• Bigot-Johnson Prefers Rearing Sheep To Bridge ..............Josh Kyn
• Beef Up Your System Card With Fancy Gadgets.............Sir Leon Stake
• Bidding Systems Which Are A Load Of Bollocks............Poppy Cock
• Bridge Tactics For Men Who Like Coming From Behind.....Betty Buoys
• Getting To Grips With Those Awful Bottoms....................R. Swipes
• Partner, Keep Your Hands To Yourself............................Hew Groper
• Boy, You Should See My Hot Dog Stand........................Thomas Everard
• Partnership Bust Up Leads To An All Out Fight ..............R. G. Bargie
• Spoonerisms In Comic Bedside Bridge Books................Mary Hinge
• I'll Tell You What Our TD Is Like !..................................Ariel Payne
• At Our Bridge Club You'll Have A Ball............................Ann Chain  

THE REVEALING CONVERSATION RESUMES......

A day later as Bigot was making his way to the County Court, he bumps into the very same highly inquisitive student member.

M : Hello there........but please tell me if I'm wrong.....the SHBC is an unincorporated association, yes ?
B-J : Correct....but so what
M : And didn't you tell me that the club borrows money from its members to set up an ongoing legal expenses fighting fund ?
B-J : Yes I did.....but what of it
M : And this borrowing is carried out by means of numerous loan contracts ?
B-J : Yes....so what are you trying to say ? 
M : Well....if the club is an unincorporated association then it has no separate legal identity or personality......which means in effect that members can only loan money to other club members. The reality is that " the club " as non-legal entity has no capacity to contract with its members.
B-J : If you say so....but what's the big deal ?
M : Well....it seems to me that the club officers.....or its trustees......are best placed to act as parties to a series of loan contracts.....and this in turn means they must be the ones who are personally liable for the repayment of the loan debt. Otherwise the liability of this loan debt would fall upon all the club members........ including those who loaned the money
B-J : That hopefully will be the case......repayment will simply come from the future income generated by the table money and members' subscriptions 
M : But what if the only members left in the club are the very same members who are owed money by the club ? This would mean they would be liable to themselves......or to put it another way they would be repaying themselves from their own table money and subscriptions. Moreover, if problems arose over repayments, then they would end up having to sue themselves !
B-J : Sounds very logical to me......
M : I'm shocked.....
B-J : And I'm in a hurry.....so bugger off.....and let me get on with my business 

          

A MOST REVEALING CONVERSATION.............
( As Bigot was  walking down the street he bumps into a student member from one of his classes.)

Member (M ) : Hello there..... where are you heading ?
B-J : The bank.....to salt away the substantial legal fees I recently charged the club    
M : How come ?
B-J : Well, whenever I put myself, or the club, into a legal scrape I feel obliged to rescue the situation by taking on the role of counsel for the defence
M : What !........ you don't volunteer your legal services for free ?
B-J : Absolutely right.......I charge the same rate as any highly qualified court room barrister
M : Oh...so how much I have earned from these court appearances ?
B-J : About £1.3 million
M : Wow......but how can a small bridge club like the Slaughter House afford it ?
B-J : Easy....I just get the members to loan the club money which immediately shores up the legal expenses fighting fund
M : Wow.....so how much money does the club now owe its members ?
B-J : About £1.3 million
M : So let me get this straight......your reckless actions as chairman all involve blatantly flouting the law.........to such an extent that you, or the club, get prosecuted or sued.........whereupon you get the members to finance your legal fees in defending these law suits........money which goes straight into your personal bank account. This simply means that as the club sinks further and further into debt, your personal wealth rockets up......
B-J : Yep....I think you've summed all that up in a very nice and succinct way
M :  I'm shocked....
B-J : And I'm in a hurry.....so bugger off and let me get on with my business     

LAW REPORT : LUCY PANTOPOD v. SLAUGHTER HOUSE BRIDGE CLUB ( 2013)

With the purge of the Pantopods now in full swing, another soon found herself ruthlessly thrown of the club on a serious disciplinary charge of assault and battery,  against one of Bigot's most feared and respected committee members, Ronnie "  The Vice Man "  Kray. Taking her grievance all the way to the High Court, Bigot yet again stepped up to the plate   to take on the role of defence counsel for the club. A short extract from the trial's transcript appears below. 

Counsel for the plaintiff ( CP ) :  Ronnie " The Vice Man " Kray is a vicious bully....a real nasty piece of work
B-J : The man is a saint....
CP : My client is a frail, delicate old lady who has so little strength she's even unable to throw bridgemate........whereas Ronnie weighs in at 20 stone... and is all muscle
B-J : Nevertheless, it was your client that assaulted poor Ronnie, by rushing towards him and thrusting her upper arms into his hands........the force was such that one of his little fingers got hurt as a result
CP : Excuse me.....but I have a witness who will swear blind that Lucy Pantopod was..... at the time..... standing still, and that it was Ronnie who came towards her like a rampaging bull....only to hold her very firmly in one of his vice-like grips..... before shaking the woman to near death
B-J : Well, according to Ronnie he was merely trying to shake himself free....but hey, why not call this star witness of yours........because so far none of the other witnesses have said a dicky bird
( A very nervous, panic-stricken, white faced witness gets up and takes the stand )
B-J : Please tell the court what really happened ?
Witness : Can't recall.......
B-J : Thank God for that....so there you have it.....no evidence at all against Ronnie 
Judge : So I see......but where is all this leading us ?
CP : Your honour, please allow me to put a few questions to this witness. I'm sure that everything will become apparent if I can just jog a memory a tiny bit
B-J : You'll not get a peep out of her........she's knows what in her best interests !
CP : My God.....I'm beginning to believe that strange, damnable , almost diabolic threats..... in this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue...........are choking all my witnesses here. A plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous has surely been hatched..... not just to get my client convicted at her club for a crime she didn't commit.........but to deny her justice in a court of law
Judge : Well, that's life......case dismissed......and Bigot.... does that now mean you can release my wife and daughter ?
B-J : Absolutely....... 
       

LAW REPORT : BIGOT-JOHNSON v. THE ARTS COUNCIL 
( 2013 )

With the SHBC in such dire financial straits its beleaguered chairman, Bigot-Johnson, made a rather audacious bid to secure a quick injection of some desperately needed cash. He had asked the Arts Council of Great Britain for a £200,000 grant in order to promote bridge as " one of the fine arts " to the wider public. His application was refused outright  on the grounds that    " nothing took place inside his club which could even be remotely classified as a fine art ".  Not surprisingly Bigot took real umbrage over this remark, deciding to take The Arts Council to court over breach of its constitutional remit. As usual Bigot elected to represent himself, and a short extract from the trial's transcript appears below.

B-J : As a leading representative of the Arts Council is it not a duty of yours to promote through funding the fine arts in Great Britain ?
Representative ( R) : Yes, that is fundamentally our remit under the Royal Charter of 1941
B-J : ..............and to award grants to all organisations which are actively involved in the practice of fine arts ?
R : Yes, but bridge does just not qualify as a fine art
B-J : Well, according to my research you have shelled out millions to organisations actively involved with music, drama, poetry, festivals ....not to mention a whole stack of art clubs
R : Yes....
B-J : So why not bridge clubs, where the game is without a shadow of doubt a fine art...... a game of sublime skill and abstract beauty
R : It's just a game of cards.....one which I'm led to believe only fills people's minds with rancour, bitterness and anger 
B-J : What !.....Snap is a game of cards......but bridge demands a creative and inventive mind if it is to be played at the highest levels......in fact there is more of an art to playing bridge than there is to playing music or character parts in Shakespearean play
R : Surely bridge is more of a science than an art..... with its very prescriptive bidding systems,  counting, probabilities.... and the technical handling of every type of suit combination ?
B-J : You sir are an ignoramus !
R : Well,  I'm sorry you feel this way about me.........but if you could prove to me that bridge clubs are centres, where indeed the fine arts are practiced......then your club can have the £200,000 grant which you applied for
B-J : So please remind me what the definition of fine arts is ? 
R : Originally, fine arts may be viewed as embracing all those arts in which the power of imitation or invention are exerted , chiefly with a view to the production of pleasure by the immediate impression they have upon the mind. However, the phrase has of late been restricted to a narrower and more technical definition : namely to all those activities by which their genius and creativity fill people's minds with pleasure.
B-J : Yes....yes.....and let me tell you there are activities taking place inside my club which require a tremendous amount ingenuity, imagination and creativity.......all giving immense pleasure to all those involved
R : Such as ?
B-J : First off.... there's the cheating that goes on all over the place.....some of which has achieved such a degree of perfection, it has become a fine art...... then of course there's the fine art of lambasting and crucifying your partner, which requires a level of sarcasm which can only be achieved through creative thought and twisted imagination.....BUT the activity which really epitomises invention and creativity at the highest level is the committee's work in expelling undesirable members from the club for the benefit and pleasure of the majority. This ongoing process really has been developed into the finest art of all. 
R : By George....you're right. I've heard such amazing tales about the highly creative methods your club has employed to kick members out....especially the wonderfully inspired,  trumped up, completely spurious and fictitious disciplinary charges against those known as pantopods. Sheer genius. Hell's bells....the money is yours.
B-J : Thank God for that.....now we can all bugger off and enjoy a swift pint or two down at the pub
                   

THE IRRATIONAL BRIDGE PLAYER...... ( Article by professor Hu Chi Ku Chi )

I have often wondered why bridge turns a quiet, polite and caring individual into a mean spirited, nasty piece of work. Does bridge bring out the beast in man, or is it a case of the flawed individual demonstrating the irrational nature of the human condition ?
Do bridge players belong to a group of people who cannot cope with failure,  having experienced so much success in their marriages, jobs, hobbies and sporting pursuits ?  Perhaps bridge players,  by virtue of getting so passionate over a game of cards,  are bizarrely  unbalanced ?  Moreover, are bridge clubs respectable places where decent people go to play cards  ......or places which have been turned into mad houses by undiagnosed lunatics who admit themselves voluntarily  ?    
If unconvinced by such views,  then please read the following passage from Herman Hesse's Book  ( Reflections)  to obtain a rational perspective on the irrational bridge player. 

" What is great or small, important or unimportant ? The psychiatrists call a man unbalanced if he reacts sensitively and violently to small upsets, small irritations, small injuries to his dignity, when quite possibly the same individual will bear up bravely under sufferings and shocks that most men find it very hard to take. A man who is insensitive to constant humiliations, who puts up with the most wretched music, the most miserable architecture, the most polluted air without complaint, but who pounds the table and cries bloody murder when he loses so much as a trifle at cards, is regarded as healthy and normal. In  ( bridge clubs ) I have often seen men of good reputation, generally regarded as perfectly normal and honorable, curse and fume so fanatically , so crudely, so bestially.....especially when they felt the need of blaming a fellow player for their losses...that I very much wanted to seek out the nearest psychiatrist and have these unfortunates committed. "





    
  

YET ANOTHER NEARLY TRUE STORY............( By Bridgemeister Gibson )

Slow players as we all know are the proverbial pain in the arse. They ruin the enjoyment of the game with their indecision, dithering and never ending uncertainty. No matter what hand they have been dealt,  every bid and play of the card requires careful thought and deliberation, even when they are following suit with a singleton.
Well, last week at my club a hand was rigged up for one of the slowest players on God's earth.
Effectively,he had 12 top cards in a 7-3-2-1, only missing the Ace of hearts. After what seemed an eternity he eventually opened 2C, only for partner to give a negative 2D. Then, after emerging from the tank for a second time, he spluttered out a bog standard blackwood 4NT.  On hearing that partner did indeed have that missing Ace, 13 tricks in 7NT was now a formality.
Nevertheless, it took a good while before the bid was made.
As his LHO placed the King of clubs down on the table for the opening lead, the slowcoach pondered long and hard at his hand before taking the trick with his singleton Ace. Even then the play of the remaining twelve tricks was long and laborious affair. 
At the end of this torturous ordeal,  an exasperated opponent asked " Why the hell did you take so long....... you had nothing but top winners ? ". The tortoise looked up, clearly offended by the remark. " Well sir, even with 12 certain tricks  I had decisions to make along the way...... especially over the order in which to play out all my remaining winners. "
     

Slaughter House Bulletin Board

NEWSFLASH :
WITH
MEDIATION
HAVING FAILED
PERCY
PANTOPOD
FINALLY TAKES
SHBC TO COURT
........
LEAVING BIGOT-
JOHNSON AND
AND SYLVIA 
SWAMP TO FACE 
A TRICKY AGM

BRIDGE BOOKS THAT WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY......( Discoveries by Pun )

• My Idiotic Partner Deserves To Be Sacrificed............I. L. Naylor
• Up Before A Disciplinary For Cheating ?....................Courtney Act
• What ! You Can Pull Off A Complex Squeeze ?..........Azif U. Khan
• Bigot-Johnson Has Been Arrested Again !................Watts E. Dunne
• Partner, There Are Times I Wish I Was Dead.............Midas Wellbay
• Bridge Makes A Comeback In The Deep South........Louis Yanner
• Playing Bridge On A Tight Budget............................Penny Pincher
• Use The Occult To Help You Read The Cards............Luigi Board
• Partner, I Can't Help Being A Cowardly Bidder...........Lilly Livard
• Yes, I Sell My Services : But That's My Business.......Ima Hore 

THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY............

• Disciplinary Appeal : a second hearing to reconsider the decision made,  and/or the manner and way that decision was reached, at the earlier one . If in the event a player was unbelievably banned for life without ever having an initial hearing, the appeal of course can " double up " as both. 
• Witness : a casual observer, who mistakenly believes that his/her subjective view of what happened bears some resemblance to the factual reality
• Letter of Complaint :  (a) a grievance put in writing where the boundaries between truth and fiction get extremely blurred, (b) a heaven sent opportunity to vent one's spleen or have a good rant
• Zero Tolerance :  where players'  petty intolerance of others is immediately cracked down upon by committees, who believe any intolerance on their part is fully justified, and that severe sanctions and punishments must be handed out accordingly 
• Best Behaviour : a foolish pipe dream or absurd notion that bridge players are capable of achieving any level of civilised co-existence and mutual respect
• Club Constitution : a set of internal rules which,  although designed to resolve conflicts of interest and petty squabbles,  serve only to create them by the bucket load 
• Disciplinary Hearing : a non event, especially when the committee considers the alleged wrongdoer to be so guilty, the idea of holding one seems utterly pointless
• Investigation Committee : hand picked members assigned to obtain all the relevant facts, and to sift through conflicting and contradictory evidence. Often at the risk of overlooking crucial facts, and merging irrelevant material with jaundiced assumptions,  to arrive at a completely absurd set of conclusions
• Mediation : a wonderful opportunity for both parties involved in a long running, bitter dispute to re-establish and confirm their determination to fight it out to the death 

NEWSFLASH : MEDIATION PROCESS BREAKS DOWN CREATING A NEW GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS ENTRY AS THE WORLD'S SHORTEST EVER HEARING

( With Bigot-Johnson and Percy Pantopod at complete loggerheads over ending their long running dispute, both parties were eventually persuaded to resolve their differences through mediation. Forking out for a top class, well qualified legal expert to help steer them towards reconciliation, the prospect of avoiding a costly court case now seemed a reality. A transcript of the hearing in full can be seen below. )

Mediator : Welcome....I'm am so pleased that both of you have come here today with open minds and a positive attitude towards making concessions....in a genuine attempt to resolve your differences and reach a settlement......
B-J ( turning to Percy ) : You're a nasty piece of work......so don't think for a minute you'll get any concessions from me
Mediator : Well, that's enlightening.....and Percy......what agenda have you come with today ?
PP ( turning to Bigot ) : I'm only here to stick the knife in..... and see you squirm and suffer 
Mediator : Guess that's it.....no point in continuing.......I'm off....but I'm still taking with me my £2,000 fee.....which by my reckoning works out at £120,000 an hour
B-J and PP ( in unison ) : Bugger off then.....you blood-sucking, money grabbing parasite !


    

BRIDGE LAWS AND ETHICS : BIGOT-JOHNSON SETS UP
HIS VERY OWN SUB-COMMITTEE
( With so many ordinary club members stepping out of line, Bigot-Johnson decided  drastic action was called for. What was needed was a determined and robust attempt to inject discipline, order and control, where chaos and unpredictabilty existed before. Standards of behaviour were not to his liking and something had to be done.The three members of the sub-committee were all hand-picked, because of their known  "strange ways " reputation. Behind closed door secret interviews took place to make sure they were the right men for the job. Details of the job description and job specification are listed below.) 

Job Description:
1. To propose and implement new laws and rules, ensuring that enforcement is extremely thorough and effective.
2. To deal with law/rule breakers in keeping with the club's well established sub-zero tolerance policies. 
3. To ensure that all club members conduct themselves in a manner and way that meets the committee's high expectations.
4. To convert all potential troublemakers into faceless, bland, compliant, passive, harmless and gentle patsies.

Job Specification :   ( Candidate must have.... )
1. Excellent communication skills in getting across to club members the message that laws and rules have to be obeyed.
2. Expertise in motivating potential troublemakers to change their annoying and disruptive behaviour.
3. Expertise in determining what is the right and proper thing to do in all circumstances, and in all situations.
4. Great observational skills and all round vigilance in order to spot actual or potential breaches of the laws/rules.
5. Exceptional skills in dealing with wrongdoers, utilising a vast range of highly efficient and effective techniques.
6. Focus and initiative,  revealing an ability to work in the dark without any fuss, and making doubly sure their work does not attract any unwanted attention from genuine law enforcement agencies .