NEWSFLASH : MEDIATION PROCESS BREAKS DOWN CREATING A NEW GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS ENTRY AS THE WORLD'S SHORTEST EVER HEARING

( With Bigot-Johnson and Percy Pantopod at complete loggerheads over ending their long running dispute, both parties were eventually persuaded to resolve their differences through mediation. Forking out for a top class, well qualified legal expert to help steer them towards reconciliation, the prospect of avoiding a costly court case now seemed a reality. A transcript of the hearing in full can be seen below. )

Mediator : Welcome....I'm am so pleased that both of you have come here today with open minds and a positive attitude towards making concessions....in a genuine attempt to resolve your differences and reach a settlement......
B-J ( turning to Percy ) : You're a nasty piece of work......so don't think for a minute you'll get any concessions from me
Mediator : Well, that's enlightening.....and Percy......what agenda have you come with today ?
PP ( turning to Bigot ) : I'm only here to stick the knife in..... and see you squirm and suffer 
Mediator : Guess that's it.....no point in continuing.......I'm off....but I'm still taking with me my £2,000 fee.....which by my reckoning works out at £120,000 an hour
B-J and PP ( in unison ) : Bugger off then.....you blood-sucking, money grabbing parasite !