SLAUGHTER HOUSE BC DISCIPLINARY HEARING No. 3468........

( Yet again another pantopod  was hauled before the club's committee headed up by the paranoid and delusional chairman , Bigot-Johnson. This time it was the turn of Pendragon Pantopod , who up to this moment in time had a track record of being well behaved , polite and gracious. But Bigot-Johnson wanted rid of this potential nuisance and irritant. From a secretly recorded tape, an extract from the hearing's transcript can now be published. )

B-J : Well Pendragon....you've been summoned here to answer a trumped up....oops , sorry.....I mean .....this trumpery charge
PP : What's that ?
B-J : A frail elderly member , with a very delicate and sensitive disposition , claimed you assaulted him in the bar
PP : What !......Who the hell was that ?
B-J : Me...as it happens
PP : I don't remember assaulting you
B-J :  Oh but you did....last Sunday night when you grabbed hold of my hand
PP : Yes...but that was to congratulate you on not coming last in the consolation pairs final....and although I may have been a bit over zealous.......that never amounted to an assault
B-J : Excuse me....but the initial investigation committee reported back that the tightness of your grip nearly crushed my brittle-bone fingers....and this was tantamount to an unwarranted and vicious attack
PP : But it wasn't.....there was no malice intended whatsoever
B-J : Excuse me yet again....because we have in our possession..... a superbly crafted 30 page dossier on all your past misdemeanours.......which in my opinion would convince even impartial observers....let alone a biased committee like this one......that your actions can only be interpreted one way....namely,  GBH with intent
PP : This is absurd....and I demand to know what's in this dossier
B-J : No....confidentiality wont allow me to divulge 
PP : But I insist.......
B-J : Ok....if I must......but I need to warn you now..... that all these reported incidents paint a very dark , disturbing and demonic picture of who you really are
PP : Hold on....how many of these relate to alleged misconduct at this club
B-J : Just 3...........so naturally all the other 389 are all relate to your misconduct outside this club....shocking and shameless behaviour , which clearly shows how impossible it is for you to remain a member of this fine and highly respectable club
PP : Such as ?
B-J : Surely, you don't need to know all the sordid details, which outline this wretched , wicked life you have led ?
PP : Yes....I do need to know 
B-J : So be it......it lists 27 parking fines, 3 speeding convictions , 4 magistrate court appearances, including a fine for urinating in a public place, 6 messy divorces where unreasonable behaviour was cited in all of them, 13 statements from ex-girlfriends who claimed unpaid rent and misappropriation of property, 116 school detentions, 3 work-related dismissals, 27 work-related warnings, six of which were final written warnings, 76 incidents of using threatening behaviour towards your neighbours, 7 cautions for being drunk and disorderly, 28 missed hospital and dental appointments, 14 restraining orders taken out by women you stalked and harassed, 6 recent sightings of litter dropping, 4 recent sightings of kerb crawling in a local red light district, 2 suspected instances of fly-tipping, 17 reported cases of non-payment for goods and services .....and 26 cases of late payment......
In short....you are an utter scoundrel and a rogue....a danger to the public , who clearly intended to cause me harm....and on the basis of this fabricated....oops, I mean fabulous dossier ....it is incumbent on us to terminate your membership from this club
PP : I protest....this hearing...this process.....it's not right..... anyone can see it was flawed, .....it was rigged......it was ruthless..... for you were clearly out to get me
B-J : By any means Pendragon........by any means